I wonder if it's acceptance

I wonder if accepting things that happen in life is kind of weak.

I'm not sure....but I wonder if that's what it is for me. Accepting the fact that I can feel life does not just end when we die. It makes it easier for me to see death as nothing more than another level. Which is tough....because I don't know if others feel this same way.

I keep talking about this because it bothers me. Seeing crying faces....those kinds of things at the lost of life...and me, I don't cry. Not for reasons like those. Hm...well, maybe it's that I may cry, but I don't grieve. I always feel that no one wants to see another grieve over them not being there.

I'm talking about the NYC incident. I'm not sad. I just accept what happened. I wonder 'Is it because it didn't happen to me?" but then I think about my grandma who passed recently *sighs* and I felt the same way. In the end I guess it's just me. Maybe there is more to life than I might think I know and my feelings reflect it. Or maybe in a past life I saw death so much or come into contact of it to the point where it doesn't effect me.

But I always find it tough to deal or even talk to people who lose a loved one. It's difficult to read them on whether or not it's okay for me to say what I truly feel. So in the end, I feel it's best to just sit with them and say nothing. I wonder if that's fine. In a sense, I always feel that words do not always account for actions. I think speaking has failed me in some ways and that's no ones fault. It's just that for the most part, I could be understood more by the things I do rather than the words I speak.

Hm....but truthfully when people grieve, I don't want to bother them. I feel it's a personally time and I would go off to the sides and just watch from afar. Maybe I do this because I don't know what I would want someone else to do for me if I were in the same situation. I guess because I often go off to sit alone when a tough situation arises, it's natural for me to do the same for others when tough situations arise for them.

I don't think I'm heartless. It's just I deal with things differently I guess. Hm...I won't say something is wrong with me. I don't believe that. I think it's acceptance. I kind of like it because its not tough for me. It's like having faith that the person who passed is fine and safe. Acceptances is like a kind of understanding I believe.

Hm......even though I question a lot of things, I feel this. I realized that my body doesn't lie to me...or rather somehow I know that something is working from inside me. Like if I'm not feeling well, I will automatically know whether i need water or air or space or time alone and act accordingly. Hm...it's nothing major. Hm...I wonder if I want to feel the same as others....maybe I don't truly understand....or maybe I do understand, but I've come to see that a life ends just as soon as it begins because a physical life is not eternal. Hm...and also strange enough, we always say "it's too soon" but in truth it's just at the right moment.

Ugh...sometimes I really don't like this feeling. But it never disappears. Maybe I should just accept what I feel and don't try to make it into something bad. I guess as long as I can experience knowing someone, it's better than not knowing them at all as the person they once were. I will admit it makes me a little sad that they lost that personality they had, but I think it's okay.


Well, this is how I feel. It's how I've always felt since I was young. And it hasn't changed. It's the one thing that hasn't changed. Anyways, it's said that energy never dies and that it just goes on.

Well, I'm a bit better now. It's just a piece of me that I can continue to understand.

Mon