I just woke up from a dream that kind of touched me.
In the dream I remember I had the same nervousness I have in life. Of having my voice heard by others (in singing). In the dream, I was with the lady who had a son (who asked me to be the godmom). I remember this part the most.
I was at this great big place. I had just visited this room where these kids were sitting. There were other people. It didn't have the feeling of a church to me, but something bigger. I was in this place of waiting for a while. And I sat next to this boy and he didn't look at me, he said "They said he's not gonna make it past tonight." In the dream I believe it was the lady's father's brother (his brother was old), and I went to his body, and I looked at his face.
I felt the same thing I felt when I saw my mom's father's body. I just felt, and that was all. It wasn't sadness.
So I make it back to this lobby like area. And I'm talking to someone. I think it's my younger sister. And the lady who had the baby, her aunt and some other older man greeted me. They were saying how they were going to church and asked if I wanted to join them. They were persistent, but the woman, her aunt said something about me having to pay her back by making her something (she said something). In the beginning of this conversation I knew she said she wanted me to sing. And that's what made me nervous. Then I tried to explain to her why I decided to not go to a church and why I COULDN'T sing.
But then someone walked over to them, and even though it was faint, I knew that person said that the father's brother had passed. And they walked away.
The people in the room continued to walk around and I stood there. I looked ahead. And I felt that I couldn't let them feel this....this depression I guess.
I started to sing "ohhhh, Lord, I want you to help me.....Ohhhh Lord, I want you to help me. Help me on my journey! Help me on my way"
I started off quiet. My sister looked over at me, but lowered her head and said nothing.
I started to walk towards the main doors leading to this larger room, which leads to the room where his body was. As I continued to walk, my voice got stronger and stronger. The people in the room began to sing along. And behind me, I felt the presence of light and love. Th support of not only the living but the unseen.
As I made it to the first door, there were crowds of people coming out and they stopped as they saw me. I stood alone and all the singing stopped. I stood before them. I felt a little nervous...
I swallowed and started singing again. This time alone. And I walked through them. There was this space between the two groups and I walked in the middle. The line stretched to the door where her father's brother was. Carrying my voice alone, towards this room, I was now in the room.
I walked to the family, I placed my hand on one of the women's shoulder and I stepped to the side of the bed. I looked at the father's brother and I grabbed his hand. And I stared at his body some more. Then I lifted my hand towards the ceiling and I could here the music in my mind. I asked to release the man from his pain to peace. And to help guide him to the afterlife.
And instantly the room became soft....
I knew he was pass on.
At that moment, I woke up. And now I'm here.
There is something I want to explain for a second. I've spoken about this before, but somehow, I'm starting to believe that trying to explain it in words is bit impossible ( not completely because I could try). Because it's a feeling I've always had. I don't think it will disappear.
It is this, although I don't claim a religion, it's because I don't feel the need to. I have a faith in my heart, deep down, a connection that I don't feel someone has to instill inside of me. Yeah, sometimes my head becomes lost, but I wold have to sit and feel this connection.
Even if I was to go to church, my enthusiasm (or trying to feel it) would be completely fake. It wouldn't feel real. From when I was in middle school, I felt that kind of thing does not fit me.
I'm perfectly fine with people having religions. And I don't mind visiting a church sometimes. But it has to be on my own willingness to go. I enjoy the oneness in this church I recently went too, but that doesn't mean I would like to go everyday. To me, that would be like robbing that religion. I greatly respect them, even if I question them sometimes.
The reason I say "robbing" is because I would really like to improve my singing. And I say I'll pay out of pocket for it. But my mom keeps saying "don't do that. Don't do that. Why do that if you can learn at a church for free?" And I would think "whhhhaaaattt?"
How could I do that? Just to learn to sing? Going to church for only that seems wrong to me.
Anyways, I do feel that when I can finally speak and truly speak, it will be the day I can truly sing from the heart.
I just wanted to share this dream.
There's something very....softening about someone passing on to me. I feel sad for the one who cry when a loved one passed. I want to cry for them more so than the person who passed.
I'm starting to get the feeling this may have something to do with either a time I've experienced as a baby, or before I was born.
Either way, it's there. And I always wonder "will I feel this way when someone I love, pass on?"
Mon
Here is the clip. It's only the vocals and I think someone recorded it from their t.v. lol
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKwdApJEps4&playnext=1&list=PL530DD636D68B912B&feature=results_video
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