I wonder if it's acceptance

I wonder if accepting things that happen in life is kind of weak.

I'm not sure....but I wonder if that's what it is for me. Accepting the fact that I can feel life does not just end when we die. It makes it easier for me to see death as nothing more than another level. Which is tough....because I don't know if others feel this same way.

I keep talking about this because it bothers me. Seeing crying faces....those kinds of things at the lost of life...and me, I don't cry. Not for reasons like those. Hm...well, maybe it's that I may cry, but I don't grieve. I always feel that no one wants to see another grieve over them not being there.

I'm talking about the NYC incident. I'm not sad. I just accept what happened. I wonder 'Is it because it didn't happen to me?" but then I think about my grandma who passed recently *sighs* and I felt the same way. In the end I guess it's just me. Maybe there is more to life than I might think I know and my feelings reflect it. Or maybe in a past life I saw death so much or come into contact of it to the point where it doesn't effect me.

But I always find it tough to deal or even talk to people who lose a loved one. It's difficult to read them on whether or not it's okay for me to say what I truly feel. So in the end, I feel it's best to just sit with them and say nothing. I wonder if that's fine. In a sense, I always feel that words do not always account for actions. I think speaking has failed me in some ways and that's no ones fault. It's just that for the most part, I could be understood more by the things I do rather than the words I speak.

Hm....but truthfully when people grieve, I don't want to bother them. I feel it's a personally time and I would go off to the sides and just watch from afar. Maybe I do this because I don't know what I would want someone else to do for me if I were in the same situation. I guess because I often go off to sit alone when a tough situation arises, it's natural for me to do the same for others when tough situations arise for them.

I don't think I'm heartless. It's just I deal with things differently I guess. Hm...I won't say something is wrong with me. I don't believe that. I think it's acceptance. I kind of like it because its not tough for me. It's like having faith that the person who passed is fine and safe. Acceptances is like a kind of understanding I believe.

Hm......even though I question a lot of things, I feel this. I realized that my body doesn't lie to me...or rather somehow I know that something is working from inside me. Like if I'm not feeling well, I will automatically know whether i need water or air or space or time alone and act accordingly. Hm...it's nothing major. Hm...I wonder if I want to feel the same as others....maybe I don't truly understand....or maybe I do understand, but I've come to see that a life ends just as soon as it begins because a physical life is not eternal. Hm...and also strange enough, we always say "it's too soon" but in truth it's just at the right moment.

Ugh...sometimes I really don't like this feeling. But it never disappears. Maybe I should just accept what I feel and don't try to make it into something bad. I guess as long as I can experience knowing someone, it's better than not knowing them at all as the person they once were. I will admit it makes me a little sad that they lost that personality they had, but I think it's okay.


Well, this is how I feel. It's how I've always felt since I was young. And it hasn't changed. It's the one thing that hasn't changed. Anyways, it's said that energy never dies and that it just goes on.

Well, I'm a bit better now. It's just a piece of me that I can continue to understand.

Mon

Hurricane on the East Coast

I've been hearing some things about a supposed hurricane that might hit the East Coast.

It's said it will hit Tuesday. I just hope people will heed the warnings. I wouldn't doubt that there wouldn't be a storm. Mainly because of the irregular storms we've been having. This summer and the last have seen many strong tornadoes. So I think ignoring these warnings would be a little.....

Anyways, I'm sure some people are getting away from the areas that are said to be hit. At least that way they can take their important items with them so they won't have to worry about their things being destroyed.

If anything I pray people will follow what they feel is right and not regret it afterwards. Storms are storms, and they can't be stopped. They're a part of nature.

Anyways, I hope it will not be so bad. And if it will be, I hope that many people will heed the warnings and leave.

Mon

Puns?

O__o I'm reading some puns..... (_  _  ) yeah, they just aren't funny.

Or maybe it's the ones written here. One of them was "I'm social studies teacher says her globe means the world to her."

Here's another one: " Having lots of good cookbooks only makes sense. They contain such stirring events."

Like I said, maybe it's just the ones written there. I can usually laugh at a lot of things....but if someone told a joke using this, they would just get the cricket noise from me.

Anyway, the reason I decided to look up puns is because I'm reading a manga, and I'm guessing using puns in Japan is common. *shrugs* This is my guess. But I find some Japanese comedians funny. I've never paid attention to whether they used puns or not. But I do know that when I chat with them (some) they're pretty funny.

I want to learn to use puns. :3 What I find to be "crappy" I will just look into it. I'm learning to not just judge off the bat. >__< I do. I know I do and I won't lie. For example, I would expect a bad out with my sisters and mom to be not so good. Or hanging out with friends wouldn't be very fun. And I would decide not to go, that I have better things to do. Which I don't, I just tell myself I do lol But recently I've been just telling myself to go and have fun and stop trying to study or read all the time. And in the end, I'm always happy I did! I would have a lot of fun.

Maybe I'm too lazy to enjoy fun stuff with others....I think it's possible.

Hm...I guess this is rooted back to my childhood. I'm not meaning this has a sob story because it does not make me sad at all. But anyway, as a kid I usually played alone. One, because both my sisters had made like super close friends and my mom would be busy...and me, I felt a bit out of place. Even as a kid I felt like i had to morph myself to fit well with the other kids. So I would end up hanging out with my teachers. And two, because we always moved, making me just give up all together trying to keep in contact with people because the family would just move again. And it's true. We'll be moving again soon lol

Anyways, I would choose to play alone after a while. That doesn't mean I don't talk to people. I actually enjoy it! However when it comes to getting close to people, I just don't know what that actually means. Even now I would wonder if it means telling a person a lot of things about yourself. But I think I'm a pretty obvious person because I'm kind of sensitive.

...............................................................

I'm wondering how I started talking about that.....

Oh! Okay, I scrolled up to read....so strange how I just jump from one thing to another. Anyways, puns can be interesting. I just can't judge it based off of one websites.

Advice for today: Try to see the situation for what it is, not what for you think it is.....hm...that may not work in every situation. Just use your mind wisely lol yeah, that one works.

Mon

Bad cat! NO!

My cat has been peeing and taking a crap all over the basement floor!!

I've lost all respect for her. When I use to let her sleep in my room, she would meow when she was ready to go back down stairs. I would usually let her stay in my room over night and then she would wake me up. However she stopped doing that, which I thought made her very good. But then I started to realize my room started to have this strange smell. Then one evening I caught her sitting in front of my closet door. She was peeing on my floor!! The carpet was soaked! And I was furious.

You see, the whole 2nd and 3rd floor of the house has carpet. Well, besides the kitchen, back porch and bathroom. I decided to just keep her downstairs until I forget the incident. Then I let her come back into my room months later, and she started peeing under my bed. I'm like "WTH!!! That's not a litter box!!"

Now she's doing it all over the basement floor. In specific spots. Before, when there was poop only outside of the kitty litter box, my mom said that maybe they would not like sharing one. So I got another one. It stopped, but then she started again. So I just took it away and say "forget it! If you're just gonna poop on the floor, what's the point!!?"

This was the last straw. If I see her doing it again, I'm just gonna get rid of her. I just got finish scrubbing the floor down there, and she's doing it again. (-  - ;)

Mon

The problem with young people....

I found 4 interesting post on this.

The answer to this question is that young people are just that...young.

Here are some post from 4 different people living in different centuries in time.

• "The young people of today think of nothing but themselves. They have no reverence [respect] for their parents or old age. They are impatient of all restraint; They talk as if they alone know everything and what passes for wisdom in us foolishness in them. As for the girls, they are foolish and immodest and unwomanly in speech, behaviour and dress" (Peter the Hermit, eleventh century AD).
• "Our young men have grown slothful. There is not a single honourable occupation for which they will toil night and day. They sing and dance and grow effeminate and curl their hair and learn womanish tricks of speech; They are as languid as women and deck themselves out with unbecoming ornaments. Without strength, without energy, they add nothing during life to the gifts with which they were born - then they complain of their lot" (Seneca, first century AD).
• "The children now love luxury; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in places of exercise. Children are tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when their elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties [food] at the table, cross their legs and tyrannise their teachers" (Socrates, fourth century BC)
• "I see no hope for the future of our people if they are dependent on frivolous youth of today, for certainly all youth are reckless beyond words... When I was young, we were taught to be discreet and respectful of elders, but the present youth are exceedingly wise [disrespectful] and impatient of restraint" (Hesiod, eighth century BC).

*********************************************************************************************

I guess not much has changed over all these years. Young people will just be young people and eventually they will gain experience through life. 

Every time I think of young and old, or think of the philosopher who talked about Human Nature. Immanuel Kant. Even in his time he was able to visualize what life would be life if we had no rules or restrictions. Of course I wanted to shake my head in disagreement as I believe there are people who I believe can live quite honestly without rule, but for the majority, I can see greed and lies running amuck to preserve one's own life.

I would be lying to myself if I say it wouldn't happen. That's human nature. And for some reason some people feel if they hide it in the dark everything will be fine. I guess that dark parts of human nature act out in us somehow. 

Since I'm speaking about this philosopher  I may  do some reading on other philosophers from this book.

In the philosophy class I took....I think last semester or the one before that one...yes, it was the one before, we only studied very few philosophers. The most common ones such as Socrates, Plato, Aristotle, Augustine etc. But since I took Philosophy and Ethics during the same semester, I felt like I had the had the best of both worlds! :D

Mainly because ethics dealt with moral code, which is the class I read the material by Immanuel Kant. And philosophy dealt with questioning for the sake of questioning. It dealt with possibilities. Whereas it seemed ethics put into view those double standards of life. 

I actually liked Ethics. And I also liked philosophy. I passed both, but got a higher grade in Ethics....even though I actually needed the philosophy class *shrugs* 

Anyways, that's all for now. It's just I thought of the saying I hear often from people of the younger generation "what's wrong with these young people?"or they'll make statements about the younger generation. I'm pretty sure some younger people see the issues as well. 

Mon

A negotiation.Studio? SINGING!!

I feel like I've been challenged! *_* hahaha

My mom told me about two nights ago "if you write lyrics for a song, I'll pay for you to go to a studio" because her and my sister are tried of hearing me sing around the house hahaha

But I wonder if she'll remember.

I find that song writing is the same as speaking. The lyrics should at least be different or unique (or the music) because it's the expression of a person's point of view. I've tried writing lyrics before, but I realized I was thinking way to hard. It's all about speaking what you feel. Not speaking what someone else wants to hear you speak. Kind of like with my blog. I'm not wondering how to blog. To be honest, I don't even know what I'm suppose to blog about. So I just write what I feel regardless of how sad it seems, or how strange it seems. I guess emotions are that way.

So I guess I've come to some idea why blogging helps me. When I push it out of my mind that someone else may read this some time in the future, it's easier. It's mainly like I know there is a possibility but I'm speaking to myself.

On the other hand, with lyrics it does consist of being vulnerable because others will hear your true feelings. To me, that's difficult. I don't completely speak my mind with %100 conviction. I would softly try to get my point across, whereas in the inside I'm shouting it loudly.

When I tried to write lyrics I was worrying to much. But I feel if I blog first then write it would be easier. For instance, if I'm trying to write something neat, like some kind of metaphor, I would be thinking to hard about what would rhyme would the first part lol I don't think that's what it's about.

Since writing is a form of art (or should I say self-expression) if you think to much about it, you stifle your creative flow. It brings back a time in high school where it was my first time painting and I was scared to make mistakes. It took me many days to finally just let go. And I could see the results.

It's the same with singing, or I think with a lot of things in life. For example, even though my sister and mom get tried of hearing me sing, to me it's more like trying to speak in my voice. Finding my own voice among the many. So when I feel I'm forcing it or it's weak (my voice) I become more determined. There are certain days where certain sounds come out and I would stop and say "That sounded so free! How did I do that?" and when I would try to go back and do it again, I wouldn't be able to because I'm thinking about it.

Hm....we don't think about what we will feel, we just feel it. It's the same thing with expressing ourselves I guess. It's like that instance "AH!" kind of feeling. A sudden urge.

Like now I just thought "I will try to write lyrics", which already started off on the wrong foot because I'm thinking of writing "lyrics" rather than just writing what I think or feel. Anyways, the first line I got was "You take it away..." I thought it sounded it neat, but I had no idea what "it" was or rather who this "you" is. So I just thought "Hm....well, what rhymes with away?"

Nope nope, that doesn't work for me. Mines usually come freely. Such as if I'm thinking about something. Like earlier today when I was walking to the library I was in awe, the leaves were coming down into the streets like they were dancing. Like snow flakes! And I started to feel a little sad because it felt like I was saying good-bye to something. Maybe I wouldn't be able to see that same leaf again or something. But I seriously felt sad.

Anyways, something like that could become a song. But I think, for the most part, even if I wanted to I could write some kind of story-form lyrics. Maybe I should say "lyrics" because I already have a notion of what I think "lyrics" should be like.

Hm...I think it's just difficult for me to find the words I need. I read that building my vocabulary would help. I agree. I mean I seriously listen to Eminem and wonder how he does it!! He's a genius at writing.

But I think it really helps me if I listen to some kind of music without singing. Images come to my mind. I even use music when I draw.

Mon

My mom saved a baby

I remember when I was young (I think in middle school), my family and I stayed in this apartment. This woman's baby had stopped breathing (an infant) and my mom performed CPR on the baby. The baby was revived.

That moment was so lovely to me.

I think my mom ended up explaining how to do the procedure. This is a great quality. She's able to act calmly sometimes.

Moments like those make me want to cry. Not out of sadness. I'm not sure what it is. But I can look at moments like those and say "there is light in dark time." with confidence.

My mom cares, but sometimes she speaks in a way that may contradict what she means. I'm learning to watch what she does over what she says. Sometimes people say things without thinking. Or they say things and regret them. Hm....of course they are responsible for what they say, do or think. For me, I know this, so I can say that yeah I can see, but they are still responsible regardless of whether I choose to forgive them or not.

By this I'm not saying I will allow someone to keep talking down on me. That would be ridiculous. But I mean it can help me understand that the outer shell is just a defensive gate while something hardcore may be going on on the inside.

This is why I can say I love my mom but I disagree with some of the things she say or do (says she will do). My mom has a giant heart I think. Even though she says she dislike things, she still tries her best. And she also raised my sisters and I on her own. I know that may be very tough! I don't take that for granted.

And as I said before, each and every person has lessons and challenges, so I can understand when someone loses it from time to time. They are human, regardless of their age. I'm actually kind of happy to be able to view things this way. Sometimes I wonder if it's a best too optimistic.  Hm...maybe my view is not completely right, and it may be an excuse to allow people to behave the way they do. But whose to say my way is correct?? Absolutely no one.

Mon

10.21.12 6:01 p.m.

Hi!

Right now I'm in a good mood! I'm actually quite surprised given the fact that I was rudely awaken by my mom talking very loud to the puppy early this morning!

But I woke up and continued watching a video on youtube. It's a pretty interesting one! Then I decided to straighten things up under my bed. I have a lot of papers and I haven't been in the mood for doing it. But today I did.

So halfway through I wanted to stop, but I got some chips and used that as my motivation hahaha "If I clean some, I can eat a potato chip!" is what I thought.

I got with that and I started to feel excited. So I decided to straighten up my whole room. Then I re-sweep the floor in the living room. And I felt more happy. Usually when I clean, I go into a clean mood and feel like cleaning a lot. However, it's only short lived because of my energy level.

So today I decided to clean what I can while I'm in a good mood. I didn't eat breakfast or lunch. The time went by quickly. I'm fine though because I guess I'm used to skipping them because I usually sleep in because I stay awake until around 3 a.m. or 4 a.m.

Anyways, what really surprised me is that I do not feel annoyed or irritated!! ヽ(*´∀｀)ﾉﾟ¨ﾟ･*

That made me super happy. I don't actually like getting irritated to be honest lol I guess I get irritated more when things are on my mind. At times like those I guess I just need to be alone to put my thoughts together. I guess I shouldn't judge the way I get sometimes, it's no use. But to me it feels like I close people out.

But I don't want to get angry with them about something that's not their fault. So I just steer clear of them. Then when I feel better, I'm like this.

I'm grateful for this moment. So I took advantage of it to do things that I've been wanting to get out of the way and to just put it to good use.

I'm sooo happy T_T I won't think about tomorrow. I'm happy now and won't wonder if I'll feel this way tomorrow.

Tomorrow is tomorrow, that's the future and now is the present. I figured that I should just try to accept my feelings for what they are and not try to hide what they are or deny myself to feel this. Just let it filter through. Feel it and let it go when I can.

A friend of mines said to just be myself. I will continue to try. I'm kind of glad I got this longer break. I'm still a bit antsy about starting classes again, but I'm happy that it's online classes T__T I have to thank everyone for putting this together. Even though it looks bad, it's not.

Oh! And I also read that when we feel like noting is happening, it usually is. And probably more happens when we don't think it is. I think it's probably because when things are happening, it's difficult for us to put into a complete view exactly what's happening. I guess that's why we should step back sometimes and view things in an objective matter.

So my advice for today would be to feel what you feel but don't judge it. It goes back to generalizing things. We can say it's either good or bad, when in reality it just IS. Hm.....Y'know, I actually wonder if God questions "What is GOD? What am I?"

Hm...and something else....was I reading this. I think so. Something about God existing always. And when God realized its own existences, it became what it is....it began to have an awareness that it exist.

^^; Also what we called God has many names in different places on Earth. Like Allah, Allah means One God. So their One God is the only God. The same as how many Christians or Catholics or Baptist believe their God is the One God.

Anyways, I decided to read about the Muslim religion and it makes sense to me. O__o I guess it's just how people deal with their religion. What they do.

In honesty, if you take the people away from the religion, it's actually nothing bad at all. Just a bunch of scriptures and words. We put actions to the words. The same as when we think a thought and it becomes intentions. The thought themselves don't actually cause the action. We do. The thought is just a thought and nothing else. When we choose to make it an action, that thought is then manifested into physical reality. And whether it's good or bad is entirely up to the person who see that's action and makes a claim.

Hm...to me this is just common sense. But I'm not sure if it is to some other people.

Anyways, I'm going now.

Bye

Take care.

Mon

About my previous entry

Hi!!

Today is an okay day. I want to go to the store. I may go, but my mom said "Why would you go? You don't want to spend money right?" True that is, I still want to get out of the house. I just need a place to go to. ^^ Besides I do need to buy something.

So! This entry is suppose to be about Subjective and Objective truth.

Read some pretty interesting things about it!

I've heard about being "objective" when viewing things, but I never actually understood the meaning.

I learned that Objective truth is a truth that stays the same no matter what. Subjective truth is a belief that is thought to be the truth,but in reality is based on someone's feeling rather than reality.

It stated that it's best for us to be objective when viewing situations in life. It makes it easier. The article states that people who view situations subjectively usually become stressed if disappointed if the situation does not go the way they BELIEVE it should go.

They say that business people go into situations with an objective view. Meaning they try to view all faucets of the situations, the good and the bad.

I think this is so interesting! I feel completely invigorating lol

Hm...I think I'm excited mainly because I've had an issue putting my feelings into words. Wondering what something means but not being able to understand the actually word and meaning in English.

You see, lately maybe I have been viewing things objectively. I usually start to go over the possibilities that something could go wrong. But I tell myself not to think that way, not knowing that it's good to consider the whole pie and not just the ingredients alone.

I still haven't completed the whole article, but it has opened my eyes a bit more. ^^

Hm....this bring me to the topic of school. Hm....I actually think as long as a person questions, they will eventually find the answer.

You know, I've had a few issues with the education system. For the most part, while sitting in class, I would wonder "what use will this information do for me?" Like, I understand some classes, but it doesn't help build US as the students. I think it's more so the way some teachers go about it. It's like they just toss the information at us without even trying to get us to really understand it. And as the students, we just show up, pass the class or not, and leave while also leaving the information we learned in that classroom.

I found that for the most part, I've learned a lot more asking others questions, or typing what I would like to know into google and getting answers, than I did in school.

I read books often. So I would always wonder why I would sit in a class for 16 weeks and listen to someone tell me what's in the book when I could just read it.

I'm sure it's just my personal thing. I don't think everything about the education system is bad, but I can say that when students start to lash out, something isn't right about it. People will make it known when something isn't working anymore. They rebel, but it's not for an unknown reason.

Mon

Objective truth, Subjective truth and the absolute truth

I will write about these things when I wake up later.

It's 3 a.m. so I'll be going to bed soon.

I'm reading about this now, so I'll write about it later.

Night

Mon

10/15/12

I've got nothing to talk about. Isn't that something?

I did a but of laundry today and learned how to fold towels properly lol

My sister made fun of me for looking it up. But I think it's a good skill to know. So when I stack towels in the closet they won't take up a lot of room.

I did a bit of Japanese listening today as well. But for the most part, I can hardly remember what happened today hahaha

I want to finish this book while I'm over my sister's house so she can give it back to her friend. I'm almost done with it so I guess I can finish it while I'm over there.

Oh! So I didn't draw the manga. I'm procrastinating, I won't even lie. I'm pumping myself up.

But I also told myself I won't push myself too hard. But I also don't want o procrastinate either.

I did some more singing. Got a little benefits with the lessons. At first I wasn't a fan of my voice, I think my voice sounds funny, but in the end, I don't mind. It's my voice, it's best to love it.

Well, this one will be short. Got nothing to talk about at the moment.

Mon

Final Chapter

I'm finally on the final Chapter of the book I'm reading.

It's only 206 pages, which isn't a lot.

Once I'm one with this book, I'll try to focus more on my manga. I want to start a new one, but I'll finish Chapter 2 first.

Today is kind of a quiet day.

Oh! And I've started to look around, it seems like there aren't many people around lately. Maybe they are all traveling before the snow hits.


Mon

What makes me happy

Okay! So I'm in a better mood!

I know I shouldn't say I hate being that way, because it's a part of me, but I wish I could understand it more. I guess I will in time. Or maybe I know, but I just don't quite get it.

Anyways, I have a youtube folder with all kinds of funny videos.

I really like watching videos of animals being cute, or people playing horror games and getting scared lol it's like "it's a video game, don't be scare of it." Plus I like scary movies, so it's an added plus.

Walking around trees and being able to see the earth makes me happy.

Learning something new makes me happy. Finishing a project makes me happy.

But there are things which make me nervous. Like if I finish something and someone starts to give me constant compliments about it. I start to feel uncomfortable. I'm really grateful, but the bashing of compliments really make me uncomfortable. Especially if I'm in a room full of people.

Actually I saw a video, in Japan this is common. When some Japanese people are complimented (I would say all, but I don't know if all Japanese people are this way) they will instantly downplay their ability because they don't want others in the room to feel they they are above them. And also because they are very grateful.

Hm...I don't know how to say it, but I like to be acknowledged for the work I do, but not to the point where someone else will feel inferior, where they will feel they can do what I do.

So if someone compliments me, I of course say thank you, but if they drill me I think "okkkaaayyy, enough now." hahaha

Hm....I like watching people have fun. Like little kids. Downtown they have this giant tower like structure and water pours off the two sides. A lot of kids love to play in the water. I like watching. Sometimes I want to play in it. hahaha Like really get into it.

I love having fun. I think by me saying "I can't hang out" with people who invite me to places may make it seem like I don't, but that's simply because I try to find a stable place for me to place my feet. Like now, I'm still trying to get my stuff together. I don't want to hang out with people and still live with my mom for the rest of my life hahaha

Plus I don't have a car. I hope to have one soon. I will get my drivers license before this year is over. I already promised myself this. I will not falter *___*

Also, I'm happy to be around people who can laugh! That way we don't have to be to serious. Hm...sometimes I'm a bit confused. I don't mind people speaking their minds, as long as it's not something where they try to tell me who I am. That annoys me. But if they want to say something, I don't mind. They always say "I'm sorry if I offended you." and I tell them they didn't. I find that so cute when people do that!

Hm....I like staying indoors, but I also like to get out. I like trying new things. Like new foods, new places etc. But I would have to have a purpose for going. I'll push myself out of thinking that way. I should go just because. Not everything needs a reason. ^^

Um....thinking about funny things makes me happy lol I often do this to laugh. I'd chuckle out loud sometimes lol

What makes you happy? ^^

Mon

Watching T.V again

My mom and sister are about to watch t.v. again.

I don't know why it annoys me that they do this every week, and almost everyday, but it really does.

It's like the t.v. is there life. We just don't do much together anymore.

To me, I wonder if this is normal for some families to do. Just sit in front of the t.v.

*sighs* It just make me very sad and annoyed. And I'm sure they know this because whenever they get together in front of the t.v. I come in my room. Just like now.

And neither of them exercise anymore.My sister keeps saying how she wants to. My mom keeps saying how she wants to. But they don't. That frustrates me. I don't know why, but it does.

What gets me is that the shows they watch come on every week and they feel the need to tune in every week. I stopped watching programs like this. I slowly started to turn myself away from watching t.v. One day I just stopped and looked at myself and I realized that what I'm doing was a waste. Yeah, it was fun seeing the actors and actresses act, it's a talent. But while they're living their lives, what was I doing? Watching them live their? What point does that serve? Ratings I guess.

But I understand that some things in life aren't gonna go the way I want it. And the only thing I can truly change is myself. I guess I continue to keep going by pursuing my interest and goals. Just thinking of that makes me happy. But I look at my family and it makes me sad that we are not close to each other. It's very distant. That makes me annoyed. Maybe that's why the t.v. thing annoys me the most.

It just feels very empty. Whenever I do try to talk to my mom or sister about something, they'll interrupt me and talk about something else. Then I'd just sit quietly. I would just give up. What's the point in speaking to someone who won't listen?

So now I just quit. *sighs* Honestly, when I take a deep breath, I'm not sad. I get sad thinking about it, but when I breath deeply I don't feel that way. It's like, just accept what they do, once I move on, I'll be able to live my life happily.

All I know is that I don't want to look back when I move on.Looking back won't solve anything.It's not that I don't have people I can talk to, I do. It's just the people I call "family" I wish I could talk them. But I don't think they completely understand this at the moment.

Maybe I should stop pursuing this because it will only make me sad.

Hm....I just thought, maybe deep down I'm trying to work something out with them, but they aren't letting me.

Well, I feel better now. I'm not annoyed anymore. I feel better. Now I'm a bit more happier lol

So I shouldn't worry about what they are doing. And when they're ready I'll be waiting. I also realize that a "family" can come not just from blood relations, but also from the outside world as well.

Mon

Oh! My birth chart says I should work on getting over my sensitivity. Any suggestions? I don't like being sensitive to stuff. But I know it's who I am. I read that it's best to see that not everything should be taken personally. And to have some humor. I think I take things seriously when it's directed my way. It will take some time for me to see myself from a higher place. But I really hate when people direct negativity my way. It makes me so irritated. And then I end up walking away or getting silent so I can calm down and not direct it back at them. It only takes a few minutes for me to cool down and I can approach the situation again with peace.

So, any suggestions?

I saw a light

I wasn't gonna write about this, but then I thought "why not?"

So here I am.

I wrote it in this tiny notebook I received from this church I attended for a baptism.

I was actually really happy to see people coming together in there. It was very nice and I was elated.

I wrote the date:

09/23/12

"I saw a light-like halo above this man's head while I was waiting to enter back into the church."

I wrote how surprised I was to see something like that. And how I was confused on whether or not I should say something to him lol

The light wasn't like a light we see here. It was like....it was a light, but it looked a little different. It was only there for a few seconds, and went away. But I remember staring above his head, then I looked away because I didn't want him to see me staring above his head in a creepy way.

I don't know what it was, but it was the first time I saw something like that.

Mon

The weather

I was originally gonna talk about what was bothering me earlier, but that feeling faded away instantly. I just needed some air.

I really wanted to go outside today because the weather felt very nice when I went to help my mom with groceries.

So I decided to take the dogs outside. My sister usually does this. She feeds and takes the dogs out. I clean up after the cats and feed them.

So I went outside and the weather was very nice. Lately it's been very nice. And that worries me a little.

It's fall, so the weather should be a bit cooler. But it's quite warm and breezy. Almost like Spring weather. And that worries me. Most people are happy for this weather, but I know it's irregular.

Also, I heard a few times, from some random people, they say it will be a cold winter.

I think so too. I like the winter. I guess it's time to prepare.

Oh! And also that whole December 21st prophecy is becoming nearer and nearer. I'm excited to see how people behave.

It's like being anxious and excited at once.

Speaking of prophecies, there have been some many right?

Well, it's like crying wolf because they never seem to come true. Hm....maybe not in physical reality, but probably in the unseen reality through energy. After all, we can't actually see energy (sometimes. And some people can....I think all people can to be honest).

But I always think to myself that someone may come forth with a message that is true, and no one will listen. I guess it's the same thing with many people claiming to be the Messiah. I wouldn't actually know because I didn't live in that time. But I do find the story to be interesting.

For instance, there was an author whose books I liked to read. Her name is Sylvia Browne. She is a medium and psychic. Her books were quite interesting to me. But something really turned me off of her books. Not what people said, but more for what she did. I disagreed with it, but I don't hate her or dislike her. I just stopped reading her books.

I watched a video of her on this television show. She did one reading for a couple who said that their daughter was killed and they wanted to know how she was killed. Without hesitation Sylvia answered that she was shot in the chest. The couple looked at her confused (this was on the Montel William show), and he asked if that's how she died, and the mom answered that their daughter just collapsed in her bedroom.

When the mother tried to explain to her that there was nothing wrong with her daughter's heart during the autopsy, Sylvia kept saying she was certain there was something wrong with the daughter's heart.

Anyways, here's why I do not dislike her. It seems people become so dependent on others to give them answers. I'm not saying that asking for advice or suggestions are bad, however I do believe we have the answers we seek within ourselves. And yes, sometimes those truths hurt a little because we become attached to them and we don't want to let them go.

I once read that when we feel that inner sadness during our journey to enlightenment, as souls, we know we have to let go of those past experiences in order to let go. I did read somewhere that 2000 was actually a time where we are beginning to accelerate forward, so we are letting go of things a lot quicker (or something like this).

Now with Sylvia, I don't want to say she's a fake because everyone has those powers we think are only given to certain people, but I do feel that when a person may take advantage of it and use it for purposes of greed, they may be given false information.

I don't know if that's how it works. I just base it on made up examples. For example, let's come up with a scenario. The people are A and B. Let's say that A tells B secrets. But B goes and tell someone else A's secret (typical experience right). So A finds out what B has been doing. So A begins to give B false information. But B doesn't know this and continues to tell everyone. However, B pretends this information is his/her own. So when everyone goes to check to see if this information is valid and find that it isn't they will think B is lying. But behind the scenes A was teaching B not to do things like that to gain popularity or whatever.

I'm not sure if that example gives a good idea of what I'm trying to express. But I hope the point gets through. I'm not saying this is what happened to Sylvia, but to me it goes like this, if you are given a gift to help people, who use it to win something over people??

People might say it's human nature to do something like that, as an excuse to justify what they did. For beings who consider themselves to be rational, that shouldn't justify anything. They say "we have logic" or "we have reasoning" and yet it seems when they need that the most, it's gone. So as humans, as we really as great as we claim to be?

Put things into the correct perspective. Why continue to lie? We may be advanced technologically, but mentally, maybe no so. I'm not trying to speak with conviction, but this is what I see. Not just from some others, but from myself as well.

Heh heh, I'm wondering how I got from weather to something like this.

Oh! And my grandma. Oh goodness, she's such a sweetheart sometimes. But she got a headache from being around my grandpa and cousin. They live in Mississippi. Anyways, I think she feels like no one listens to her there. She usually gets on their case for no reason sometimes. Mainly my grandpa, and he hates it lol he just sit quietly.

Anyways, in situations like that I just look at them. Yes I have things to say about what may work and what doesn't. But in honesty :/ I just feel it's of no importance. That's not to say I don't feel what I have to say to be important. But I do feel that in time, things will fall into place. Hm....I guess to help someone accelerate their learning is why teachers are here *shrugs* I dunno.

But lately I just don't have much to say. For example, I spoke on the phone to someone recently. Even though she is with the father of her baby, is isn't so supportive and she likes someone else.

She was talking about how she would shoot the baby's father and fight his mom and dad. This is the way my mom speaks sometimes, and I don't like it. I expressed this to her and asked her what she planned to do. In the end, she posted some photos of him and the baby on facebook lol so obviously she is still with him. So it didn't matter in the end.

I would much rather someone tell me how they feel, rather than how they want to harm the other person. I don't want to hear that. I don't like to see it, so why would I want to hear it? I guess to look cool. *shrugs* Because I have heard conversation where people will get all hyped up when someone talks about fighting and the other people would be pumping them up to fight. It's like, why is that so cool? I just don't get it.

Sometimes I'd think "just let them fight. I wonder what happens once they are done." And I played it in my head and saw two things that could happen. A) one person could kill the other and walk away (realistically speaking) or B) they would get tired and walk away.

Either which way it goes, someone walks away. I never understood fighting. I only got in one fight in my life, and that was in elementary. And at the time, I didn't know I was in the fight because the girl jumped me from behind and I was confused....*Squints*

Besides that, no fights. Oh! It wasn't actually a fight but an altercation. Another girl from when I was elementary tried to get me out of a chair. She told me I stole her chair and wanted it back And I told her she didn't buy the chair, so she doesn't own it. She then tried to grab the chair from under me, but I held on to it. I have no idea where the teacher was during this time lol

Another time was also in elementary school lol This boy who sat at the same group as me, but sat across from me got angry for some reason...I don't remember. He threw his crayon box at me. I think I told him to stop it and don't throw anything and started doing my class work again. hahaha

I don't like fights because I feel it's damaging to the body. Why would you try to destroy something you were given? Unless, of course, you don't appreciate it or like it.

It's kind of like if someone gave a gift to someone else and the person who received the gift would toss it around and break it and beat it up and throw it in the garbage. Wow, how grateful huh?

Well, I'm rambling.

Bye for now!

Mon

I know I can't everything my way but....

So I was singing just a while ago. I'm in my room alone right now. Just a while ago my sister came into my room from the living room and said "Could you please stop singing? Or sing quietly?"

There's nothing wrong with that.But what really irritates me is the fact that all they do is watch t.v.!

If it's not t.v. it's on the computer. But mainly t.v.

Sometimes I would do it, but it just leaves me feeling unproductive. I'm not claiming to be one who doesn't just laze around.

But it just really frustrates me. When we come into the house, the first thing they do is go watch t.v.

It makes me sad because they consider this the family get-together. I actually like to do things. But since this is all we did growing up (eat dinner, watch t.v., go our separate ways, which consisted of watching t.v. in another room) it's very tiring for me. So I just spend all my time in my room. Either reading or watching videos on youtube, sighing and being annoyed by the loud t.v. outside my bedroom.

Usually I just sing in my room for hours. So sometimes I watch videos, or I'll draw or I'll blog or knit. I want to learn cooking. This house is driving me nuts. It's like, not a REAL family. It's annoying.

My older sister recently started going out with me and my younger sister. She complained about the same thing I am. At the fact that my mom always makes up and excuse not to do anything with us.

Oh! I also started reading The perks of  being a wildflower again. It's pretty good. I'm almost done.

I also visited the library. My younger sister came with me. I like the weather lately.

Actually, this makes me think of a funny story! When the lights go out when theirs a storm, I'm usually very happy hahahaha I always think "Yes!!" Because they won't have a choice but to talk about something.

Oh! Today I also visited the college again to get everything prepared. I have to turn that essay in soon. I spoke to her about having writers block and she told me to just start off with that. I will just write from my heart like I do here.She told me to have it in by Sunday evening. So I'll start on it now.

I was a bit happy being there. While on the drive there I started to feel a little sick. My mom was being negative and it was making it difficult for me to breathe. I really don't like being around her where she's talking negatively about someone. She was talking badly about my older sister.

I just sat quietly, because every time I ask her to stop, she says no. So I just try to ignore her. When I got out of the car, I felt a bit better (slowly but surely) and I felt positive about the college.

I started to worry about being able to pay the amount of the beginning quarter. But I told myself I shouldn't worry about that now. Just keep an open mind to opportunities. Because if I worry, I stifle myself from seeing things. So I'll try harder.

Well, good night. I'm gonna work on that essay for a bit.

Mon

A dream of a death, a dream of a rebirth

I just woke up from a dream that kind of touched me.

In the dream I remember I had the same nervousness I have in life. Of having my voice heard by others (in singing). In the dream, I was with the lady who had  a son (who asked me to be the godmom). I remember this part the most.

I was at this great big place. I had just visited this room where these kids were sitting. There were other people. It didn't have the feeling of a church to me, but something bigger. I was in this place of waiting for a while. And I sat next to this boy and he didn't look at me, he said "They said he's not gonna make it past tonight." In the dream I believe it was the lady's father's brother (his brother was old), and I went to his body, and I looked at his face.

I felt the same thing I felt when I saw my mom's father's body. I just felt, and that was all. It wasn't sadness.

So I make it back to this lobby like area. And I'm talking to someone. I think it's my younger sister. And the lady who had the baby, her aunt and some other older man greeted me. They were saying how they were going to church and asked if I wanted to join them. They were persistent, but the woman, her aunt said something about me having to pay her back by making her something (she said something). In the beginning of this conversation I knew she said she wanted me to sing. And that's what made me nervous. Then I tried to explain to her why I decided to not go to a church and why I COULDN'T sing.

But then someone walked over to them, and even though it was faint, I knew that person said that the father's brother had passed. And they walked away.

The people in the room continued to walk around and I stood there. I looked ahead. And I felt that I couldn't let them feel this....this depression I guess.

I started to sing "ohhhh, Lord, I want you to help me.....Ohhhh Lord, I want you to help me. Help me on my journey! Help me on my way"

I started off quiet. My sister looked over at me, but lowered her head and said nothing.

I started to walk towards the main doors  leading to this larger room, which leads to the room where his body was. As I continued to walk, my voice got stronger and stronger. The people in the room began to sing along. And behind me, I felt the presence of light and love. Th support of not only the living but the unseen.

As I made it to the first door, there were crowds of people coming out and they stopped as they saw me. I stood alone and all the singing stopped. I stood before them. I felt a little nervous...

I swallowed and started singing again. This time alone. And I walked through them. There was this space between the two groups and I walked in the middle. The line stretched to the door where her father's brother was. Carrying my voice alone, towards this room, I was now in the room.

I walked to the family, I placed my hand on one of the women's shoulder and I stepped to the side of the bed. I looked at the father's brother and I grabbed his hand. And I stared at his body some more. Then I lifted my hand towards the ceiling and I could here the music in my mind. I asked to release the man from his pain to peace. And to help guide him to the afterlife.

And instantly the room became soft....

I knew he was pass on.

At that moment, I woke up. And now I'm here.

There is something I want to explain for a second. I've spoken about this before, but somehow, I'm starting to believe that trying to explain it in words is bit impossible ( not completely because I could try). Because it's a feeling I've always had. I don't think it will disappear.

It is this, although I don't claim a religion, it's because I don't feel the need to. I have a faith in my heart, deep down, a connection that I don't feel someone has to instill inside of me. Yeah, sometimes my head becomes lost, but I wold have to sit and feel this connection.

Even if I was to go to church, my enthusiasm (or trying to feel it) would be completely fake. It wouldn't feel real. From when I was in middle school, I felt that kind of thing does not fit me.

I'm perfectly fine with people having religions. And I don't mind visiting a church sometimes. But it has to be on my own willingness to go. I enjoy the oneness in this church I recently went too, but that doesn't mean I would like to go everyday. To me, that would be like robbing that religion. I greatly respect them, even if I question them sometimes.

The reason I say "robbing" is because I would really like to improve my singing. And I say I'll pay out of pocket for it. But my mom keeps saying "don't do that. Don't do that. Why do that if you can learn at a church for free?" And I would think "whhhhaaaattt?"

How could I do that? Just to learn to sing? Going to church for only that seems wrong to me.

Anyways, I do feel that when I can finally speak and truly speak, it will be the day I can truly sing from the heart.

I just wanted to share this dream.

There's something very....softening about someone passing on to me. I feel sad for the one who cry when a loved one passed. I want to cry for them more so than the  person who passed.

I'm starting to get the feeling this may have something to do with either a time I've experienced as a baby, or before I was born.

Either way, it's there. And I always wonder "will I feel this way when someone I love, pass on?"

Mon

Here is the clip. It's only the vocals and I think someone recorded it from their t.v. lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gKwdApJEps4&playnext=1&list=PL530DD636D68B912B&feature=results_video

Thanks to him★

Yesterday was eventful!!

My mom may have been bummed out, but I was excited by the challenge.

I'm not sure why things are easier when it isn't completely dependent on just one person.

Anyway, yesterday my mom rented this Uhaul truck to take this old fridge and dryer we have, to the scrap yard.

The scrap yard closed at 5 p.m. and we had to come back home. We left the scrap yard at about 4:40 p.m. and we were determined to return before 5 p.m. She had to leak this fluid from the fridge (I forgot was it was called). She decided to come back home and use a towel to break the thing open and leak the fluid. She said it would be damaging for the environment if she leaks it on the ground (which was amazing to me because her liters sometimes :P).

So our house is only like 3 minutes to 4 minutes away. But then as my sister was going inside for a tool to leak the fluid, she realized that back of the Uhaul truck was open the whole ride back!

Now just that, but as my mom went to check, one of the dolly's was missing. D:

And not only that, but the door was jammed and we couldn't close it!!!

So then I thought "challenge accepted!"

So I kept trying to get closed. It had something to do with the latch. It wouldn't move. That's what caused it to stay open.

THEN out of now where, this man comes and says "do you need help?", jumped in, and started helping us with the door!!

I was like "Yes! That's what I'm talking about" <---I said this in my head. But what I really like is my mom didn't give up. She said we should, but me and my sister urged her not to. So the guy helped us get it down.

And he left very swiftly after we said our thanks and laughed a bit. I didn't get the chance to see what his face actually looked like because he was wearing this cool shades. ^^

Anyways, I felt I should write a thank you blog! That really made my mom. And even though we weren't able to make it to the scrap yard of time and had to unload the fridge and stove, I was still happy!

I immediately said "thank you" not just to him, but to the unseen ones. :3 Well, they are view-able, but not in my eyes. Events like these always make me feel the Oneness in life. It's always refreshing!

Well, I woke up way to early. I only got 5 hours of sleep. So I'll lie down for a bit longer. But I really wanted to write this and say thanks again to all those who have helped me so far. In all ways possible.

I do this now while my outlook is positive. I want to thank even those who have made things difficult for me, because without those things I wouldn't be able to know who I am in comparison to the situation.

Besides, those difficult times help me to strengthen my skill of understanding that not everything will go the way I wish. But that's the good part because I can place myself in the position to accept this and have an understanding and loving outlook.

I don't want to be the kind of person who just speaks, but experienced it and can understand it a bit better.

Anyways, thanks to everyone who has come into my life! Even the people who were here for only a short time. ^___^

Mon

Goals+Determination= OHHHH YEAH!!

While I'm waiting for the video I'm watching to finish loading, I'd like to talk about goals.

Well, I'm watching two videos. One by this guy. He's playing a game called Persona 3 and his character scored highest in his class on the exam. And I though to myself "Can anyone do that?"

I realized one doesn't necessarily need to be smart. That's just a title. It's more like, you set a goal, move towards that goal with determination.

For example, my older sister is trying to lose weight. I say trying because she constantly falls back into eating pizza. I guess I can toss the words motivation and self-discipline into the equation.

You see, people can set goals, but do they always reach them?

I wonder if their faith in themselves are as strong as they wish it would be.

But please understand that it's up to you. You have to pull and push to get through it.

It's like with exercise, you can either do it half-heatedly or give it all you got! Personally, I'm the kind of person who does well sometimes because I want to, and don't do well other time because I don't wanna.

So I don't point fingers and say you suck because you can't do it. Because I know the feeling. However, people who may ask me "how is it done?" I can't really tell you because it's up to you to find that strength. You won't believe how some people have asked me to help them with their habit but they fall back into it when I'm gone or away.

It's like "even if I'm here, you have to try to y'know!"

I speak with conviction because I've experienced this many time. Especially in high school. During my sophomore and junior year I slacked off. I was stressed and didn't want to do anything. So I just gave up (it was my choice). But during my last year I thought to myself "I can do this! I'll give it my all" just because I wanted to. And I did. I passed so many test. But it wasn't because I felt like I had to wreck myself to remember anything. It was that determination which made it easier.

I think when a person is truly ready they will bring it and give it their all.

So the next time you feel like you want do something, but you find yourself slacking, stop and ask yourself "do I really want to do this?"

Oh! As for school, I have to register for November. I have high hopes. I really am antsy about taking classes online. But I'll have to because I don't have a way to commute. The only one would be a 2 hour and 45 minute commute. Which is worse than when I went to school downtown.

Anyways, I'm hoping for the best for everyone!

Mon

Heating Blanket

My mom bought me and my younger sister heating blankets!!! (-  v  -)

I'm so happy!!

The furnace doesn't work, so we often use electrical heaters.

I think it's okay. It saves a lot more money on heating bills.

I like snuggling under mines. But I hate coming from under it because it's so cozy and warm.

Also, a friend of mines from Japan told me that they turn their heat off when everyone is going to bed to save energy. I didn't know that! How efficient. So if I go to Japan, I will probably be use to it being cold during the night (^  u  ^)

Mon

I'm watching a tracheotomy being performed

I always get nervous watching things like this. But I want to watch it.

Actually I'm amazed by people having the knowledge of this. It' said to have been a very old procedure.

I'll share the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SloXwGG2n-Q&feature=related

Neat huh?

But I actually do not like hospitals...well, I don't mind them. I'm not scared of them....I'm actually kind of curious about them. But I hate needles lol  So that makes me dislike hospitals.

In the past whenever I was see a hospital I would get nervous because I knew it was that time to get a shot. So soon I would get a headache lol Mainly because I had a bad experience when I was very young. I think it was the booster shot, where they give you a shot in the rump. Yeah. I remember after getting that shot I told the doctor I want more than one lollipop because it felt like they stuck me with the needle more than once. They laughed lol

I only remember that because it was traumatic for me. I was very upset lol but I remember it.

Anyways, I still like watching medical videos or videos where they show the procedure being done. I always wonder "why am I watching this??" but it's so interestingly disturbing.

Oh! And even though today I was a bit bummed about the whole school thing, I felt myself smiling earlier today when I thought about it. I feel like everything will be okay.

*sighs* Sometimes I feel like being nervous isn't worth it. In the end, if it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Being eternal beings does not stop our lives from going. If I truly believed this, I wouldn't be so worried I guess. I guess that's what having faith, true faith, is all about.

I have the hiccups too. I have no idea where they came from.  hahaha I jut realized I have them.

Mon

Going back to my old school

I'm nervous to go back to Ai.

But in this situation it's either, go back to Ai, complete my major and start paying off my loan. Or stop now and pay off  the 3 thousand and something dollar loan amount I have now (which isn't much) while trying to struggle to find a job before December.

I spoke to the woman at the school I will be attending now. She said I would have to be going to the school for 2 quarters before I can work on campus.  I hope those words were true.

I just had a tough experience with getting to and from school. It didn't seem like I had much support.It was very tough!

Hm....also while attending there I started to question if I really wanted to do this. Usually things aren't they way I imagine them. I don't want to make it to the end and be disappointed. I'm not sure if I even want to work for a company.

All I know is I want to help in some way. But I don't want to be restricted or forced to stay indoors all day.

I believe this is normal. I just wonder where I will end up from here.

I don't think the adult life is difficult, it's people who think it's difficult, that makes it difficult.

I still feel the same. I don't feel "adult-like", it's more like you have responsibilities that your parents would otherwise, been taking care of. But I think if a child can grow up with the thought "I want to do this when I get older" and have the support they need from loved one, it wouldn't be difficult.

They would have a general idea. And even if they change their minds, they will still have it in their mind that they can do whatever they pleas. The sky is the limit. It's vast and nothing is impossible.

I think, with this decision, since it involves money that I don't have at the moment, I won't worry about that. I'll just go! And keep going and don't stop!

I already said this before. Once my foot touches the base, I'm going for it.

I do wonder often will my life get better when I finally move out. I'm sure I won't have much to pay besides rent. I don't watch very much t.v. (that can be solved with netflixs haha) I don't use the telephone unless it's for calls from people or from schools. So gas would be the most important. That and rent. I don't need anything extra.

All I simply say is give me a job, and I'm set. I can save money and start over again.

I'm just gonna have to keep waiting. I don't believe I've been abandoned.Nope. I feel they are still here. I'm still happy from time to time. But sometimes I worry. I won't lie. I think to myself "am I wasting time?" but I have to have faith. I'm sure they won't abandon me. They never do abandon us.

Plus, my family and I have been through worst. I can handle this. It's just I hate being disappointed. But the good thing about this is I can learn to get over it.


Anyways, I hope your day is going well. Always remember, you are just as important as everyone else. No one is more important than another. It's your experience is different from that other persons'. And that you have a different lesson to learn than that person. Even though it seem harsh, you still have not been forgotten or abandoned.

I always think of it like this, Jesus was said to be poor. But he always had faith. I'm sure, because he was human, he was a little weary, but having faith in yourself and that everything is working the way it should be, should at least give us the strength we need to keep going.

Good luck!! Although I can't see you, I wish you the best!

Mon

My mom's friend

So early today my mom told me a friend of her's car got stolen. Her purse was stolen as well.

I didn't know what to say...but my emotions spoke loud in clear. In a lot of situations I don't have much to say.

I don't want to curse the ones who stole from her. Saying someone deserves some kind of punishment is not my style (I'm not sure if this will change when it becomes personal). But I do believe that a person reaps what they sow.

So, it's kind of like should I feel sorry for someone who may be reaping what the sew? Maybe because during my hardships I've kept them to myself for many years. I say "I'm becoming stronger because of this. I've become who I am because of this. Those things aren't bad, just very difficult!"

But I know not everyone is like me....but that feeling still stays with me.

That's not to say I don't feel for her friend. I just hope she will continue on as best as she can. I think that's all anyone could do.

In situations like this I always think the worst case scenario would be having absolutely nothing. With that in mind I say I'm glad she's still safe. But the people who did it.....I worry for them more.

People like that....I just feel for them. They are usually the ones who aren't connected to themselves. Those are the people I would like to understand. To understand why. *sighs* Even knowing some people just don't care. Or it would be naive for me to not think they are just doing this just because.

But the truth in me, the part of me that knows that it feels it can.....it's that part that is believing. That's the part I have to push back sometimes and say "You still have to be weary of the situation. Don't just jump in without knowing what's in the water first!"

It's a bit irritating sometimes. To feel one way, but knowing that I have to stay safe and not be reckless. As souls I think we are very very caring. On earth, I can understand why we need those human instincts lol

So to my mom's friend, please try your best. As for what will happen to the ones who did that to her, it's none of my business. The choice is up to the ones who will be responsible for their lives.

Well, it's time to go to bed. I'll probably have to think more on my logic tomorrow. Sometimes it's so indifferent it makes me want to eat some ice.

Mon

Living a dream reality

Good early early morning,

It's 3:30 am. and I'm trying to make donuts.....

Yeah. So anyways!

I wanted to talk about what else I'm doing....or rather what I do often. And that is live while always thinking...of course!

I'm guessing by now this isn't a surprise.

But I always think "Am I living to my fullest?" Then I'd think over that thought "Well....what is this "fullest" anyways??"

So that doesn't go anywhere *shrugs*

So recently I've been telling myself to just go for it! No use sitting and wondering.

For example, if I just want to sit at home and play The Sims 3 for a day. Why the heck not! So I do it.

When I take breaks, or just lounge around the house I use to feel guilty about doing it.

But I realized that I need to learn to relax and just....be! During school I would work so hard. I'm always multi-tasking. Then I would start to feel frustrated at who-knows-what. Then I'd think "just watch a movie...take a break."

I personally hate being unproductive. I have to use my mind. I feel if I just sit in front of a t.v. all day my brain will turn to mush. So I watch videos that are informing. Or something. Just anything but just sitting and letting my brain rot away lol

As a child I....hm...nope. As a child I remember swinging from doorknobs and experiment with mixing household chemicals or taking apart a game console. I guess not much has change lol

Hm...Also, I do remember my mom told me that in elementary they recommended putting me on renalin. She said that someone at the school told her that I needed it. In all honesty, I don't think I was super hyper. I just enjoy being. Sometimes some people can make crazy assumptions.

Anyways, I enjoy watching videos where people talk about interracial dating. I think it's awesome! To me, it's like a gateway to removing biased attitudes towards other races. Cultures can mend and people can began to understand each other.

And actually, I find myself wondering where I will be a few years from now. I don't plan things like "I will get married at this age. Have children at this age. Do this and this at this age!!"

That's not really my style. But I do think like this "I wonder if I will get married....Hm...Will I have children? Will I adopt? Giving birth looks painful!!"

It's nothing unique.

Oh! And with school. I'm still iffy. I'm starting to realize more and more that it's my choice. I feel that I should go for it. As long as I have a pathway, I'll go for it. I can't say what will happen. I was worrying to much...mainly because of my previous experience. However, I'm telling myself that if I DO go, GO and don't stop!

It's a choice I'm making. Don't stop. Once you feel you're making the right choice. But I also feel like I have a lot of things I'm interested in.So I don't think I'll just be choosing to do one thing in the future.

One thing I know I want to do is a marathon walk or something. Something to help with a cause. It will benefit me by me getting out of the house and walking for a reason. I don't usually leave if I don't have anywhere to go. Usually if I want to just enjoy being outside, I sit in the backyard. It's pretty spacious.

For the most part I stopped feeling bad about being unproductive. There's a lot of things I can do indoors. Besides a lot of the things I enjoy can be done inside. Such as read a book, paint write a story dance etc.

Also because of the summer heat I prefer to stay indoors. I'm an autumn-winter kind of gal. Oh! And Spring. But the heat makes me crazy. >__<

Well, that's not to say I don't enjoy going out. I really don't like visiting the same place over and over again. Visiting it maybe about 3 times is fine, but I don't like going so often. It gets very boring to me. For example, shopping for clothes in the same place. But going to the same salon is fine. I always wanted to become a regular at a salon lol

Y'know, maybe I've grown immune to moving. Growing up my family and I have always been moving from house to house. But it's always been in the same state. But I guess I enjoy being in different places. I've gotten use to it. I really love looking around at the view!

Hm...but I would like to live in a house someday where I will be able to know my neighbors names. Or grow old and have people wave to me from beyond my fence and say "Hey!"

I feel like it will be. But I have so much time ahead of me it's exhausting just imagining what I'll have to go through to get to that point! hahaha But I like Simon Cowell's thought on enjoying moments getting to the point you're trying to reach.

Well, the donuts are done....they don't look like donuts lol I hope my mom and sister will like them. I like the way my mom's came out. I ate most of them hahaha she walked into the kitchen and said "Hey....what happened to all the donuts?" and I told her "guilty..."

Well, it's 5 minutes till 4 a.m. It's past my bedtime once again.......I should really follow through on a good bedtime.

Mon

It's better to have loved, than to never have loved at all

There is a Japanese singer I enjoy. I think I said who this is.

He is a great inspiration for me. Also a Japanese animator as well. Anyways, this is about that Japanese singer.

He writes a lot of songs about heartache. And honestly, songs about love do not appeal to me very much because most of the words are to simple. It doesn't pain an image. But with his music and lyrics, it paints a picture and I say "ahhhh~ I can understand a little." Not that I know, but I can understand even just a little.

I'm listening to a song by him now. It's an unplugged version. I like how the different instruments came in softly. I say "I want to write something beautiful like this!"

Anyways, he's talking about being heartbroken. And I thought "why fall in love?" but that question was very short lived lol A person can choose who to love, but the true feelings of who one really loves will be there on display. But people can choose to toss a cover over it.

He seems quite heartbroken. He was married before, very young. And I think he still thinks about the person he was married to.

The phrase "it's better to have loved, than to never have loved at all", because it's an ultimate experience.

Hm....I once asked a friend of mines "are there levels of love?" and she replied "yes."

She said more. But I take her word for it. She's quite wise. hahaha but I wonder if she thinks I don't because I always question her on so much.

Anyways, I believe humans complicate matters. If we're honest, and accept what is, we probably wouldn't want to harm anyone.

I was reading the book that guy let me borrow. On one of the parts he talked about how his dad quit baseball to be with his mother because his mom had become pregnant.

I think of scenarios like this and a part of me says "he should enjoy his dream. Nothing should stop him." but it seems harsh because it's like he's leaving her to raise a child on her home. But there's always a way right.

But then there's the side of me that say "there's a chance that if he becomes big, he'll just find someone else." lol I consider the true reality of human nature.

Hm.....I don't think "love" is bad. I think it's the way that is it handled by others that make it "bad".

I like to believe that, just like now, something doesn't exist and it's not bad. But when it becomes discovered, people determine whether it's good or bad.

Hm....I've also recently try to detach my emotions from a situation to see it clearly.

It's kind of strange, but I don't have anything to say. It's just me, I nod my head and say "yes. so it is." in an accepting matter and let what is be, and don't worry.

I think, sometimes, this can be good and bad. Good because it means I won't judge, and bad because I have nothing to say about a situation being good or bad lol and that it just "is". Hm....

Well, actually, it's more like, "is the situation just or unjust?" or "is it fair?" kind of like this. If there are lies attached to it, I will probably have something to say. But in the end, it is what it is unless the person whose involved in the situation decided other wise.

I'm not here to make a person's choice for them, but to deliver alternatives. To open minds. To show them another side. Harsh as it sounds, my side, mainly because I can't speak for someone else.

I think if I spoke with true conviction, people may take my words to heart. I could sell it. But I choose not to. Some people may try to take advantage of it. I'm not like that. But if I need too, I could choose to use it.

>__> I'm giving myself to much credit hahaha okay I'll end it here.

Mon

The Color Red

This is just a piece of a story I hope to turn into a manga. I'm never sure if I'll finish these. I'm already working on one, but ideas keep pouring in.

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                                                        Prologue 


You know the feeling, don't you? That feeling of being lonely even when the whole room is filled with people. Suddenly feeling unhappy even though you're in a house full of all the things you could ever want. It's more like, even though your face is smiling, your heart is screaming out. Could I really blame this feeling on my behavior than? I was still fairly new to this marriage thing....then he came along. And the only time I felt lonely is when  he wasn't near.....

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Yeah, this is all I feel like writing. But this just the prologue, or the thought of what it might be. It's a story about....well, I can't really say. However, it's test the emotions of the main character. A character who feels that she is perfect in the sense of living the way people want her to be, and finally realizing that there is a dark side to human nature. There is a side that she tried to hide that began to become expressed.

I'm not want who enjoy hearing about people who cheat. But I find it interesting. Hm....is that strange? hahaha I guess it would be to a person who has been cheated on "how the heck could it be interesting?!" they would ask. But it's more like, in that kind of situation, the people are being tested. How would you behave?

Yeah. I've never been cheated on, or ever cheated, or taken a relationship to the serious point of calling someone my boyfriend. It's not that I don't have male friends, but those thoughts slowly disappeared over the years. I don't feel it's necessary......And I find it strange when people ask me "how is that possible?" hahaha

But I'm not sure if my story will be convincing. Maybe it's not meant to be.

Oh! Also, the titled is based on the symbolism of the color red. Which is the color used to symbolize, desire, lust, all things that are intense. Things that deal with passion. It's not very creative. But it does coinside with a character in the story.


Mon