11/29/12

Today I only had a plate of oatmeal. That was at around 2 a.m. this morning. 

I went to bed at about 5 a.m. after getting some exercise and helping to correct blogs by Japanese learners. I woke up at 2 p.m. and when I woke up my mom "I'll  make you and your sister make the chili." 

I, of course, became annoyed because you can't "make" me do anything. I really hate when she talks that way. It's the way she's spoken to my sisters and I our whole life. It's like no kind of respect in her words. It's like saying "I don't have to respect you because I'm your mother." And even still, I'm a human being first. With emotions and everything. Not some trash. Not just a daughter. 

Hm.....My stomach is growling, but it's common. I'm more in thought today than anything. 

It's like whenever I began to trust someone or believe in their words, they start to disappear from me.This is why I feel I have to support myself as best as I can. That's not to say I don't have friends. Or people I can speak too.I do. Maybe I'm searching for support from home. Which I feel I, and no way, am actually receiving.

I look at he family I was born into, and love is definitely lost. My mom complains about her mom. My uncle is in this gang. My other uncle is way over weight and doesn't want anything to do with his son. My dad is off living his life somewhere. My grandma has my cousin who thinks that she's his mom. It's annoying. Sometimes I just want to hug them all, put them in a room and tell them to talk lol  I'm not lying.

You see, I feel like this place I should call "home" lacks so much. Love, morals, support etc. It's dry. No nourishment at all. And me being me, I feel I have to find the honest truth alone (in my family). 

That part doesn't make me sad, it's the lack of security and support and wanting to get close that makes me sad. I can feel it. It's not so much has things being said. But I don't feel like we all know each other (the real us) as a whole. 

That's what makes me sad. And me, I feel like the one who has to listen because no one else will. I think I said this before, but one day my grandma (on my mom's side) just started telling me things about herself. About how she thought she had cancer. My mom would tell me and my sisters how her father would hit our grandma. And I would think "why does she sound okay saying that?" she told us how her mom would make them clean up all the time. How she would call my mom ugly etc. 

Instantly a bulb went off in my head, I thought "I won't let that be me!" I won't live the vicious cycle that this family probably proclaimed many many years ago. Even as a child I'm happy to have had this innate ability to see things differently and to feel things without anyone saying a word. 

I say it's a blessing. But it's hard to deal with too because I'm understanding it alone. I also cry when it gets hard. Sometimes the feelings are very intense and I cry, but not because I'm like super sad, but because I feel it in my chest, it's like a huge amount of energy. 

Anyways, I just walked to the library. I will get a job soon! I felt like I wasn't taking the steps to getting one. My first job was by luck or rather, someone put it in front of me. Which I'm thanking for. I think I know why it was does. So I won't talk about that. I don't want to think anything else of it. But now I feel I will put in work to find a job. And since the library is nearby, I will do my best to get a job there. 

But I really want a job so I can get out of this house. It's driving me nuts! It's messy. Very annoying. I clean, but I hate cleaning when all someone would do is leave things lying around and don't care to clean up after themselves. I expect that from children, not grown people.

That even annoyed me at work. People would just leave garbage at the desk, push their chair out, get up and leave. That leaves a bad feeling in me because I could only imagine what they would do outside of the school. Throwing garbage on the ground. Not cleaning up.

So I feel like I NEED to leave. I NEED to leave for my own health. My mental health. Because of the way my mind works, I have to do what I can to stay in a good state of mind. I can't really do that here. Too many demands. Too many demands at once. And I can't think about myself or health. 

For the most part, before I thought it would be selfish to relax. To stop and worry about me. But I realized I need that the most if I can help anyone. Of course I still like to help. But I realized I'm a little damaged and I need to repair myself. I know how to do it. I need to do things I like to do without distractions.Without feeling like I can't do it. If I'm in good spirits, I don't mind helping. It's something I would request.

I don't mind helping, but I would also like to be in a good state of mind to do it. I would put more effort forward. 

Oh! Before I go, I would like to share this song. I really like it *__* It makes me feel sooooo much better. I think it's her voice. But I want to try singing this song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqFy9S_3L14&list=PLFADA46C9ECDA45D8&index=24&feature=plpp_video

I think she's Russian. 

Anyways, I feel better now. It's just that maybe I feel like I may be starting to understand myself more than trying to understand others. Not saying I will neglect others, but it's just that I understand myself in comparison to them. Instead of understanding myself in the same light as them. Trying to mend and mold myself into their ways. 

So my advice, is to know who you are. You don't need to compare yourself to someone else. When you are yourself and people like you for who you are, then you will see that you are just as special.  It will become easier and easier and people will say "that person is really down to earth" or "that person isn't afraid to be his/herself." 

So no matter what you think about yourself, other people may not feel the same. They may like what you consider to be a flaw. And also if there is a quality in you that you feel is harmful, do your best to fix it. If you realize you are a bit to mean, find a way to fix that. Try viewing things differently it could help. Also realize that not everyone will like you. That's okay. Some people just don't like certain people. That's not your fault. At most you probably did nothing worth them hating you for. 

The ones who should mean more to you, who deserve your focus are the ones who do care. 

Also, I've come to wonder if the people who hate, have to much time on their hands. I wonder if they ask themselves why they hate. And if they come up with an answer, why do they hate the answer they came up with. 

Hate, in my opinion, is just a question that's has yet to be answered. 

Live today as you. 

Mon

P.S. Just because I vent a lot and whine, doesn't mean I don't try lol This goes to show that I'm just a squishy whiny human kind of person.