11.07.12

It's 2:20 a.m.

I'm surprised I'm still awake because I woke up early today. At like 4 a.m. because I heard my mom walking about. But I did doze off and on until 9 a.m. and I went out with my sisters.

It's quiet right now so I have some time to type out my thoughts. Without trying to put my thoughts down I will just type what I feel without judgement.

Recently I've been thinking about why I haven't been thinking about my future. I would think simple things such as "I need a car" and set a goal to get one (to me this is simple). But I look at others (not that I feel compelled to do what everyone else is doing) and I see people getting married straight out of college or people going off to try to make a lot of money or people striving to make ends meet by helping their family, and when I see this I just think of how small these things seem.

"There certainly as to be more to life than this" is what I would think. I started to think a person works their whole life to make money to support their children or whatever an their children do the same. And this continues. Just thinking this makes me go nuts!

And I think of the business' who seem to be on top now, they may not be on top 25-35 years from now, something else would. And the title The Most Beautiful Person in the World would seem to last until either the person gets very old to the point where people will say "that person was really beautiful" or they find someone else to replace that person.

Hm....I think maybe the experiences between these points are important. Such as that experience of anger and learning to get over it. It's simple, but I can see something coming out of that. Such as a person who is mean and bitter an angry all the time experiences a heart attack, lives but then learns that they were angry at absolutely nothing and they go off to help others deal with their anger.

Hm.....but seriously I've been a bit frustrated on the inside. It's containable, but even though I'm here, sometimes I feel just....just like a lot of the things that I thought were do important just aren't as important. I find the small times where I'm with my family doing nothing means more than watching t.v. with them. I find that drinking a cup of coffee watching the autumn leaves would make me feel more serene and happy than watching a wedding.

And lately I just don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone but myself. I don't plan the future. And I tell myself to stop expecting things. It's becoming easier. Today I did want to go home immediately because it was windy and I wanted to get under my heat blanket. But I pushed that aside and had fun hanging out with my sisters. I knew that the day would eventually end and those moments would only become the next hour's memory.

I also find that I let go of things that happened yesterday. Hm.....It's like I know that yesterday does not control my today or my present moment.

These things sound blissful, but I just feel.....I feel blank. But I feel emotions. :/ It's difficult to explain. Anyways I don't feel the need to talk about what I did the day before or whatever. And maybe it's because I blogged all my issues here, but I don't have much to complain about lol

Maybe that's why I feel like life is like a circle. It's like inhaling an then exhaling, only to follow that routine in a circle. Maybe not everything that happens has to have some kind of meaning. Maybe it just is because it's suppose to BE. And that's it. Just let it BE.

Kind of like with the creator of earth. We make it so much more than it is, when it just IS. It's the same with human existence. It just IS. I think when a person experience something, like when you can sit on a bench and just sit without thinking or wondering about the moment, their a certain life to it I believe. It's like out of all places, you could feel your place. And your place is occupying that space, and no one else can occupy that same place at the same time as you.

Oh! And I also realized my face seems a bit different. It's still my face, but I did see some of my old photos. I guess the face reflects experience. My face before is just so hard for me to look at. Like I have a picture of me when I was 6. I'm smiling and staring off and I have a twinkle in my eye. Then I move forward, not long after my hair is really short. One day it just fell out <---what my mom said. And from then on my face just seemed so....out of it. I think my face now may be softer. Even during that transition when I was in school people would start talking to be about their issues and I would think "is it my energy that that feel?" I don't know a lot about energy and I don't want to overthink the whole soul thing and live honestly without wording what I read, it but I think people just KNOW.

For example I read an <---(see, read? lol whatever) article about a guy named Mike who was washed about by the tides of Hurricane Sandy. After swimming in the cold water for 4 hours he reached a house and sought refugee inside. He's alive. But he had hypothermia and had used a lot of blankets that he said had just been sitting around (which is just great!). He said he was then taken in by a man who sat him next to a fireplace and made him hot chocolate. He said that he wasn't sure how he KNEW but he felt like he would be okay seeking refugee there. They have yet to be able to gain a statement from the lady's house he stayed in. He also stated that he didn't steal anything.

Maybe it's our guides, but I do believe there's a lot more to life than we actually truly understand. And I think  if we were more aware of it we wouldn't have so many issues. Each person has a purpose. But I think for the most part is fulfilling the purpose of being yourself %100. I think when a person understand themselves in comparison to earth and everyone else, they understand life.
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Actually even though I think "my blogs sound bitter" I'm not sad or anything. I'm just simply writing out my thoughts.

Oh. And I haven't been wonder why I type what I do. I gave up on wondering that.

My advice for today would be to have faith in yourself but don't try to force others to follow by your faith. Even though we all walk the same road, you could never truly know if they have some kind of mobility of sights they have to view before they can make it to the same place as you. Some people just aren't ready. As much as I want them to catch up, I must say it's the same as teaching a child math. You may understand a certain kind of math, but not everyone else does. And also someone may know how to solve some math problems that you can't solve.

I also have this thought that even people who criticize others for their actions in life and using their religion as a means to tell another they are wrong, that person is just caring. Sending messages that the subconscious could take in and make real isn't the best way to help someone. Such as calling a child who doesn't know any better is not best way to go about an action. It's painful to watch, yes, but having faith in them, I think, may help.

Anyways, that's my advice. I think faith is very much needed. It is a confidence in life.

Well, that's all for tonight. It's now 2:56 a.m. and I'm kind of sleepy. But I will go through the other tabs I have opened and head in. Goodnight~

Mon