A memory that haunts me Part 1

I wonder.....

Does typing these things out like this, will it make it better? Anyways I started to think of something that happened to me as a child, maybe I was 6 or 7. I was in elementary school. I was thinking about this when I was in the kitchen just now.This memory still haunts me. I don't find a need for it anymore. So I'll type it here.

Our family use to have these beach towels with characters from Space Jam the movie on them. Now that I think about it, we never went to the beach to use those.

Anyways, one of those beach towel's had a huge puddle of dry blood on it. The blood on the towel was mines.

In elementary my mom had me and my younger sister walk home together. We lived only a few minutes from our house. Maybe about 5 to 8 minutes from our house. But being young, it seems longer. Anyways, one day, I can't completely recall why, but I told my sister I would go ahead (home) and she could catch up with me.

I didn't think anything wrong of it. But I remember my mom pulled up on the side of me, and she looked angry. My heart dropped and I became scared. She was shouting, but the windows weren't rolled down. She rolled it down and told me to get in the car. I can't really recall how things happened the way they did. But I do remember she was very angry at me for walking home alone. Then she was hitting me in the face. Like hard. Not that soft slaps. But very hard and I guess my nose was bleeding and she tossed that Space Jam beach towel at me. And I held that to my nose. I didn't realize my nose was bleeding. I think she got mad at me for just sitting with a bloody nose.

I think I probably cried. She said something could've happened to my sister. But as a kid, I don't think I knew that. My mom never told me why me and my sister should walk home together. But that was the one incident where I didn't want home with her. Actually, I think this memory still hurts me because I want to cry.

Anyways, we found my sister. She was still at the school. I remember a few things my mom said has she was driving to the school. She said something like "if your sister isn't at the school. I'm gonna whoop your ass." and things like that. I was completely scared.

So I started to pray to God that my sister was there. I think  before that incident, I got a very bad beating for lifting my shirt up in school because everyone else was doing it and I thought nothing of it. I had to have been maybe 5 years old. Because it was before I was in the first grade.

Anyways, so yes. We found my sister. But I remember sitting in the backseat just very angry, confused and very sad. I was also embarrassed and crying because my sisters were in the car and they saw me holding this towel to my face. Not just them, but also people who were walking on the sidewalks. My mom told me to stop crying. So I had to stop crying. Maybe this is why I don't like to cry in front of people lol I never thought about this.

But I do remember my older sister making jokes about the bloody beach blanket. And whenever she did, I would just get quiet. That memory was not a happy one. I think back then I questioned "how could someone who say they love you, hurt you?" Yes, at a very young age I started to question that.

I started to realize that maybe I cared for my mom more than she cares for me. Or maybe it's just in my mind. But honestly, just like with any other relationship, a person who loves you would never hurt you on purpose. And that was certainly purposely.