It's like a wall has been built around them and the only thing they have for them are the things that are behind that wall. There are four walls, and they seem to be okay behind them.
Trying to enjoy doing something I don't just frustrates me more. It reminds me of that scene from Titanic when Rose is staring off and she thinks about how she sees her life, the same mindless chatter, the gossiping etc.
And that's how I feel. But it's not me, it's them. I don't want them to be like that. But it's not my life, so should it matter??
It frustrates me that I get annoyed by something like this. It really does. It's not tactful at all.
But I'm really irritated by the fact that every time I walk by, that t.v. is on. Or she's complaining about work. It's just to routine, and it's annoying. My sister is starting to feel the effect. And it seems like my mom is pushing her issues on us.
I try to understand my mom, but it's tough sometimes. But I guess her job is effecting her. For example, at work they have her do everything. They want her to clean etc. She comes home, complain about that and make a mess and want us to clean it up. >__> It's very annoying.
I've been thinking to myself "should I be saying this?" but I don't care anymore. I'm annoyed and it's very frustrating. What's worse is I don't think she realizes that she's doing it.
I'm sorry to talk about things like this. I could just save it to a draft, but I won't. Why should I be ashamed to talk about what's bothering me.
What gets me through, is imagining where I want to be. The things I want. The way I will be etc. A lot of great things. I don't want to keep living as her arm rest.
But sometimes I worry that when I do move out I will leave and won't look back. I say to myself "I don't want to be that way." but my feelings speak for me, it speaks over that optimism.
Oh! And I also read from my birth chart that I could be pessimistic when things don't go my way. That I could be optimistic too.
Fatty foods. Junk. All of that is just irritating me. Is this what it means to be truly restless to the point of annoyance. I need something different.
*sighs* I don't think I'm done. But every morning with having the same thing happens just makes me so annoyed.
*smiles* But living alone....Y'know actually I wonder if I could live alone. By myself. I like talking to people when I'm feeling better. But when I'm feeling rotten I go off on my own to get better. I don't feel like I should bring them down. But hearing that t.v. in the other room gives me no quiet.
This is why I stay up until 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. Everyone is usually in bed by 12 midnight. So I only get a little bit of quiet during those times. Yeah my sleep pattern is messed up, but it's the only time I can feel a bit sane and not want to jump off the wall.
If I live alone (so says my art teacher from high school) then I will be able to deal with them. I think so too. Right now it just seems unlikely lol However, I do feel if I'm able to go somewhere for some quiet time without any noise, just to be me and not trying to hide I would be okay. Then I could deal with people. I would be really happy!
But at the moment that's kind of hard. The limited amount of quiet I get here isn't enough. I sound very selfish, but I like being happy. If I could have it my way i would make my quick annoyance disappear. But I can't. So the only thing I can do is to just deal with it as best as I can.
I'm sure my sister thinks I'm mad at her. But I'm not. Honestly, I don't think I'm actually mad at anymore....or rather I get angry, but then I get over it very quickly. Besides, whenever I do find that I'll get loud or start to talk in a mean way I feel very guilty because I don't like directing those kinds of things at people.
However I have found that if I have a lot of things going on at once, like now (with my projects) and people bother me, I get very annoyed. I don't want to help them with anything. But I do it anyways in spite of that. Only because it's not their fault I took on those projects. But I do know that I'll never get anything done if I keep doing things for people. So knowing that, I wonder is it still considered selfish.
I like helping. But I don't want to be completely selfless too. There's a balance.
*sighs* If a guy would ever decide to date me lol he would probably have the patience of a saint and is very adventurous and can deal with me. If it comes to that I would be very grateful. I can understand how my ways could be an issue sometimes. But I need someone to understand that and give me my space.
Mon
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