I read that all things that a person is thinking does not need to be said or put out into the world....so I'm wondering why I do it. Well, not everything....mostly everything though.
Anyways, I feel like I understand what it feels like to want to give something to your loved ones, but you can't.
Right now I'm feeling very limited and it's taking about my Christmas spirit.
I was perfectly fine until I started thinking about it again.
What am I talking about now?
Well, I started doing some Black Friday shopping. At first I was really happy, but during it I started to think a little bit about the fact that I wasn't buying anything.
I don't have any money. :( And just seeing my sisters shopping for Christmas made me sad. My older sister said she would loan me the money and I can pay her back, my mom said the same thing. But it won't be the same.
I don't know why this makes me this sad. I'm literally crying lol it's kind of pathetic. I don't like crying over small things like this. It's weird. Like I don't cry at wedding of funerals, but I cry at things like this.
Anyways, the reason it makes me sad is because they might get me gifts. I just don't have the money to buy anything. I'll be honest, I only have $27 dollars in my bank account. And I know why too.
During the time I was working I was giving my money to my mom to help her pay the bills. I knew my money was decreasing, but my mom wasn't working. I did it willingly. Not with the thought that she would have to pay me back.
Reality hit when I found out I couldn't work at the school anymore.
It's like those parents who want to give their child the best, but they just don't have the money to (or they think money will do it). It's the fact they they may be getting me gifts. And I would be sitting with them while they have presents looking at the gifts, when I could only give them not much at all.
I would use that cheesy "I'm your Christmas gift thing" as a humorous way to look at it. But I'm still sad
This makes me wonder am I not a true receiver? I mean this is Christmas. The day of giving and receiving.
I like to give and I like to receive things as well. But honestly, this time around, I have no idea why this is bothering me as much as it does.
My younger sister asked me, as we were walking up the stairs to the house "you were fine shopping with us until now. Why don't you want to come with us anymore?" I couldn't answer because I don't know.
It's true I was okay up until now. I seriously wanted to cry in the backseat of the car while my older sister drove me home, but I read that negative energy like that could effect other people's energy. So I didn't want to bring them down with my out-of-no-where mood. >___>
Well, I'm sure I'll be okay tomorrow. It's just when the gifts start to roll in. I really want to tell everyone to not buy me anything at all. I'm half and half on it, but I don't feel like it would be so great if I can't buy anything. This is annoying.
*sighs* Oh well. I'll just have to keep living each day. Looking at this from a higher place, I'm seriously cry over absolutely nothing. This will pass obviously. I think it's just that I care so much for giving, that it's making me sad knowing that I can't give like I want to. It's similar to the situation my mom was in last Christmas. :( I wonder if this is how she felt. Honestly, I hope not. I think my mom is stronger than me. She's a Leo and I'm a Cancer. But well, I guess, whatever. I'm just happy she has a job.
And in seriousness, that puts a smile on my face. Oh! And a friend of mines is pregnant again! I'm excited. I really miss her, but I'm glad she's okay.
Anyways, I hope everyone else has a great and safe holiday. If or when it does start to snow, please be very careful. For some very strange reason, people tend to drive a bit crazier in the snow. I'm really no fan of people driving in snow or icy roads at all (because of the black ice). But I understand Christmas shopping too. So please please please try your best to drive very slow and safely.
Mon
No comments:
Post a Comment