Hiiiii~~
I decided to write one more post.
This one is for my Grandma. She passed away like 2 weeks ago. I'm actually not sad. My older sister was quite upset though. But I accepted it.
When in life I see a soul going through so much, when they pass, I'm not sad. I accept it. And even if I thought they had much more they could've done here, it doesn't matter what I think. It was just their time, and I accept it.
Now, this is tough. Because death seems like such a touchy subject for some people. But for me, it's just as normal as living, or breathing.
Everyday, I wonder, does someone pass on. I think they do. It can't be stopped. So why deny it, just accept it.
One person I enjoy is Socrates. He made a statement in the story The Apology, where he said something like, he doesn't fear what he doesn't know. And he also said something like, he was not sure what is after death and whether he would be better off in the afterlife than living.
Well, so, I'll explain the situation and why I just accepted my Grandma's passing.
You see, the grandma on my father's side is the one that passed. Now my dad's father and mother have both passed. But you see, even though I don't speak to my dad very much, that doesn't mean I don't care for his feelings. I think my dad is a caring person. So I feel for him and his brother. But I think his brother is quite tough. My dad seems sensitive to me.
Anyways, I haven't spoken to my grandma at all up to the point where she passed. I think I stopped talking to her maybe 3 years ago. I'm not sure. I didn't keep count. But time went very very quickly.
There was an incident which occurred that lead up to the reason why I stopped talking to her. You see, when I was younger, I always loved my grandma! We were very similar in a lot of ways. She ran on her tiptoes, I ran on mines. She liked dressing up, and so did I. I would try on her dresses, and wigs and heels. It was always fun.
But then her husband passed away. And she always seemed to be thinking about something. When I would sit in the room with her, it wasn't the same. I was very sad. So I would leave her alone with her thoughts. So one evening while me and my sister were spending the night, I had a very bad backache. She gave me some Bengay. I never used it before. A first, it was very cool, then suddenly it started to burn. Then it got worst and worst and it felt like my back was on fire. I told my grandma, but it didn't seem like she understood ho much pain I was in. I started crying haha yes I as a teenager, and at the time I didn't cry over physical pain, but I was in a lot of pain. I tried washing it off, but it didn't stop the burning. I don't remember exactly what she said to me, but I just wanted to go home.
So I called my mom and told her to pick me up. When my mom arrived, my grandma was upset wondering why I didn't tell her I was leaving. My head was aching and my back was burning. I didn't want to talk. This person who I thought understood me, it was painful, and I didn't want to deal with it. So I left. If my grandma had just said "it's okay" rather than getting angry with me, I would have spoken with her. But I think I visited her one other time and she brought up that situation again.
To me, it seemed very petty. I didn't think my grandma would ever do something like that. So I just left. Some time later, my older sister and younger sister went to visit my grandma and they said she brought up the situation again. My older sister told me I should have come with them. I couldn't face that situation. I'm very very sensitive, and I know I have to work on it.
So anyways, go forward a year or something later. Me and my younger sister called her. I think it was her birthday or a holiday. I don't remember. I started to speak to her, but she suddenly started to talk very negatively. After that, I didn't talk to her anymore. Than 2 weeks ago, my dad messaged me on facebook and told me she had passed.
I accepted it. Not because I was angry, but I feel that people seem to understand a bit better maybe before passing or after passing.So last week, I wrote a personal journal to my grandma. I wrote that I was not angry with her. That I felt there were misunderstandings. That I do still care. I something around me. Hm...I don't know how to explain it. But I had to tell my guide to move it away because it was bugging me.
And so :3 yeah. If I didn't add my dad i facebook I would not have known this. The only person who had my younger sister's cellphone number as my uncle (my dad's brother), but he didn't call at all. Even after my sister called and left a message asking him to call her back. And he still hasn't replied.
See, miscommunications are tough. But, I always try my best to explain to people what I feel. Sometimes they call me a lie, or say they don't want to hear it. And actually this makes me laugh. I just cut them off. It's kind of easy for me. Because I know people come and go. And I don't need people who will toss negativity my way. I don't need that. I'm usually quite happy. Unless, they are willing to work with me, or listen, then I will do the same. But if I'm talking and they talk. Or is I listen and they talk, and I try to talk, but they won't listen, there will be a some bad communication.
We need to listen to each other. How will we understand another if we don't listen. I wonder if those people who don't listen to others, listen to themselves.
Sometimes I wonder if I listen well enough to hear. I feel....I feel and that's tough. Always tough. Sometimes I hate it, but I read an article that said to embrace the sensitivity. I know that I need people in my life who are willing to at least be considerate of me, and not just throw dozens of punches my way. I can handle so much, but I break down. Sheesh, I'm not superhuman hahaha
Now, to my dad. My dad doesn't live with us. Which means my mom raised me and my two sisters. I see my mom as being tough. But I know she has difficult times too. She's not as tough as she pretends to be. But my mom never cried in front of us. She was always working. Always away from home working until late. So it was always me and my sisters. Anyways, my dad left when I was 6 years old. I don't remember much about the situation. But my mom finally told me that it was because she caught him cheating :O
So I see why now. But I don't ever hold the grudge my mom has to my dad against him. What happened between her and him is between her and him, not me. But that's the way my mom makes it. Growing up she would say "don't give him any information about where we live, or our phone number." So we didn't speak to him. We did see him once a few years ago on a holiday. But it was just sooo weird! haha
I didn't want to talk to him. My mom was there and so was he. But he sat on the front porch the whole time with his brother, and my mom stayed inside.
Seeing this makes me see that parents aren't perfect too. I'm glad I see this lol Agreeing with that situation is not my style. I learned from them. I sat and sat and thought for many days. Going through all that I had inside of me. The sadness etc. and came to terms with what happened. I don't hate him. I don't hate my mom. They had a situation in which I happened to be in the middle of.
But you know, I never blamed myself when I was younger. I always wondered why. I remember he was placed in...I think jail holding or something. I'm not sure why. But my mom told me that he picked me and my sister up from school one day, and she didn't know. He did it without her knowing. So she called the police. There is something in my mind. I remember it being night time and looking down out of a window and seeing police cars. I'm not really sure if that was a dream or if it happened or not.
So, I decided on my own accord to add him on facebook. He would try to type to me, but I wasn't ready to type to him. On a number of times I would think "I should send him a long message telling him that I don't hate him." but I would question "what might make me think that he thinks I hate him?" hahaha
And now to the present! ^^ That's how he messaged me. And that's why it's so significant! Because of all of this madness, this situation. And I think, I didn't make a mistake. I have to trust myself more. If I didn't decide to add him, I would not have known.
So yes, my grandma is now on the other side. And I'm not sad. Sometimes I think about people who cry or grieve when someone they love passes away. And I think "did I really love her?" and I wonder if I have a limit for how much I allow someone else to have of me for my own protection of my own sensitivity. I think I may have it. But I think I'm quite honest. I mean, look, I'm typing this for the world and I don't feel nervous telling it! haha
But, what makes me feel that crying for a loved one makes me sad, is because I imagine me dying, and people crying over me. I wouldn't want that. I already tell my family "don't cry if I die before you. Please celebrate! Have fun!" because I'm sure I'll be happy somehow lol I am most of the time anyways. xD
I think the worst thing for me, is someone being sad over me. That just pains me more than anything. I can tolerate so much, but not someone being sad or stopping their life for me.
If we are friends, we are friends, but when we move on, please try your hardest to move.
Is my way of being very harsh. When someone passes in someone else's family, I feel the same way. But I try my best to be there for the person who lost someone they care for. I guess people deal with passing loved ones differently. I wonder if someday I will love someone so much that I will grieve. I wonder if I know that feeling.
Well, I guess when a person accepts something, they accept it for what is it. For example, I like video games, if I broke a disk, I could cry hahaha, however, if I accept that it's broken. And just leave it at that, what's the point in crying. It's broken. That's it.
Hm...actually, I wonder if there is a part in history where the passing of someone was celebrated. My younger sister told me that in Mexico, when someone passes, they celebrate. They walk in the streets singing or something.
Well! That's all for now. I will just tell you, you don't have to follow how I feel. I do hope people can understand me just a bit better. I guess because I've been around hearing "_____passed away" at such a young age. Hearing it, it's very common for me.
Mon
