My Christmas~

Hi!

So I've been away almost all of this week. I stayed at my sister's house since Monday and just got home yesterday evening. My older sister said it's hard for her to sleep at home alone, so I decided to go over her house every day she doesn't have work.

Anyways, because it was the week of Christmas, it was already planned we would celebrate it at her house. So we did!

The actual day of Christmas just didn't have that Christmas feel. That happy happy joy-ish feel.

We didn't open gifts until about 1 p.m., which really sucked. I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. because my older sister had just woken up, and I had to wake for my cake to finish cooling off, so I stayed up with her until that time. Then I went to bed but was woken up by my mom talking very very loud on the phone and arguing with her friend over the phone over why her food IS season well. I ended up awaking up, nobody wanted to open gift. Someone would want to do something, then say "okay", but then someone else would start doing something. So I decided to start with the first gift giving and gave it to my younger sister, but my mom and older sister were in the kitchen and said they weren't ready. So I just decided just go study and wait. Of course I was upset.

They ended up coming upstairs some time later and told me that they were all ready. Anyways, we finally opened gifts. My older sister went all out. I know the gift she brought were not cheap! That did no justice to the fact that I couldn't spend money the way I wanted to. My mom had gave me $150 dollar for shopping. Last Christmas, when I had my own money, I spent more than that. Not to buy expensive gifts, but to give gifts that my family wanted. But I had to downgrade this time. I could only buy each person 2 gifts. So that means I only brought 6 gifts.

I challenged my sister next Christmas. I told her I would be the victorious spender lol I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but I really do like giving. I realized I had a difficult time wanting to receive the gifts I got this Christmas because of the situation I was in financially. But I didn't say anything about it. I just smiled an accepted the gifts. I told myself that people buy things out of the kindness of their heart. And when you decline them, you decline their generosity. I came to realize it's like turning the person down. Which saying "no thank you" or "you didn't have to do this" basically does. However, I do understand it's being modest.

But I realized that some people can see past this modesty! For example, my grandma, when me and my sisters went to visit, gave us money. My sister started to feel very bad. But I thought that our grandma wanted us to have this. She was just doing this has a loving gesture. And although I don't think money can buy love, I found that it was a symbol kind of. Just like with my mom. I've began to kind of understand seeing past the pain and realizing the possible intention. I can't say I'm always right, but if I'm following my intuition with trust, then maybe my feelings aren't wrong.

Anyways, they decided to return their money. I didn't say anything but I watched. And as expected, my grandma got upset at the fact that they wanted to return it.

Hm....I'll start to wonder when it came to the point where we would start to modestly accept something. Because being modest is mainly declining something you want, but don't want to seem to greedy if you say "yes." Where does this guilt come from? When did someone tell us "don't be greedy and just say yes"?

Well, I don't think being modesty is good or bad. It's just a simple trait. Hm...but I think it could cause a few problems, but also create a few good moments. I won't mention those, however, I guess the opposite of modesty is confidence. That's not to say a modest person isn't confidence, but maybe they will downplay their good points to make the other party feel comfortable.

Well, enough of that. Lately I've found that I don't have so much I would like to type. That's not to say I don't get thoughts. It's just that they're less abrupt. And I've also found another reason to blog more often. Well, first I would like to read more to build my vocabulary. And second I would like to blog using those new words to learn to speak more confidently. When I type or speak, it's the same. If my words when I type come out as "hm..." that means I'm taking the time to pause. Typing has made me a bit more aware of myself. It helps me to understand me in comparison to someone else. And it helps me to put into place my thoughts. I can often organize them too and allow some space in my mind for more thoughts.

One last thing, I had a very interesting dream last night! It was during a seminar. and I remember sitting near the back row. And in front of me are these girls who are making jokes about this other girl. Usually in my dreams I don't say anything in these situations. However, this time I stood up and said something. But I felt very strange.I felt like i wanted to faint. I don't remember the speech, but i remember telling them that judging another does nothing but satisfy their ego. And some other stuff. I remember everyone got quiet and was staring at me. These people led me to a podium and I spoke into the microphone. In the end, no one said anything. But after I left the room people came to me and said that they were really moved and that they agreed.

I just said "you're welcome"

This dream made me a little happier. I'm often one who wouldn't want people to agree with me all the time, but to have them have their own thoughts about a situation. However, we would end of debating. And I think I actually enjoy this a little and I mistake it as me being mean *shrugs* in the end, a person will have their thoughts and feelings, not based on me, but on what they believe. What I say is what I say. It's an energy, and a person's impression of that energy is their impression based on who they are. I can't change that. But I can only explain it if I feel they've changed the meaning too much. But at the end of the day, maybe some people are happy with what they gained from a situation. or maybe someone will get a bad impression. I can't, or rather, I've come to realize it would be a waste of energy to try to explain to the dozens of people who gain their own impression of my words. And I wonder if the people who came before us feel this way. The ones who made a huge impression. We are taught their words by a person who thinks they know their words, but are just basing their words on what they think they mean.

In the end, it doesn't matter does it. Some people will believe and others won't.

Is this what it means to be tactful?

Well, I'm heading to the store now. Bye for now.

Mon