12.06.12 My dream from earlier today

I almost forgot to type about my dream. Then after that I would like to talk a bit more about my dreams. I have this strange preconceived notion about my dreams.

Okay! So earlier today I had a dream about this very bad snowstorm. In the dream I was running with my sister (I think it was her). Anyways, we're running and it's very difficult to see. I don't think I was wearing a coat, but I wasn't cold. So the snow was coming down very hard and it was just amazing! So then suddenly, as we're running, we started to freeze. Seriously the ice was forming. And I remember us both running faster. we got away from the icy front. And behind us I could see this giant wall (almost like a sandstorm) of snow. It was like in a line straight across (horizontal) going down the streets. That was where the freezing icy cold snow was coming from. And wherever that horizontal cold line went, it froze things in it's path. I ended up flipping over and I didn't have that dream anymore.

So! I would like to talk about my dreams.

I realized that I enjoy taking naps and sleeping. I guess I know that it helps to keep my mind in check. It's the one place where my mind could wonder without distractions (sometimes). But I've had issues with them. Sometimes they would feel very real. Like if I were to get electrocuted in a dream, I would wake up shaking (seriously, it happened before). I've even woken up and bumped into my wall because I jump out of a dream before hahaha

Now I've read all about dreams. So I'm not so paranoid as before. However, they do kind of get to me sometimes.

I have recollections of feeling as if I'm talking to someone in my dreams. But I have no memories of them. It's just a feeling. During those times it would feel like I'm in a light sleep. Of course I don't tell anyone these things lol I'm not that crazy :P

As a child, I have this one dream in particular that I remember even to this day. I was in elementary (in the real life), but in this dream I remember it was snowing. My family and I use to stay in these apartments, so I was going to play out in the snow. The snow as very high (which is kind of normal to me because it's happened a few times in my life) and I was walking towards this opened circle area. There's a drain in this little circle (in real life. I still remember what this looked like. Me and my sisters and neighbors would play in these circles). So anyways, I'm heading towards this circle, but then I instantly realize that there are no other people around. It's just all white snow for miles, and it's quiet. I start to get nervous and I start to run back to the apartment. But then I feel something bit my leg! It's like a shark biting me! So I continue to run. And I know who it is. It's our family cat attacking my legs and he has these razor sharp teeth.

That dream was very scary to me. lol But now that I think about it, I can understand it a little. You see, as a kid me and my sister use to wear these footies (I hated those things so much lol) and whenever we would wear them, the bottom of them would make this scratching noise and the family cat would come out and attack our feet lol and me and my  younger sister would run away.

So anyways, when I woke up from this dream I went to my mom's room and told her I had a dream the family cat was biting my legs. So she let me sleep in her room. But then as I'm laying there still afraid, I flip over and I start to see the faces of the dead President's in the blankets. So as I started to flatten the blankets I would see another face and another. It was dark in my mom's room lol I know now my eyes were playing tricks on me. But now I wonder "why the President's faces??" And why the heck would I assume they were the President's faces? lol But at the time that's what I thought it was. I remember that time so well.

My eyes have always seemed to play tricks on me. In a way I think this is what caused me to feel different. It's like I know I'm seeing things, it's nothing paranormal, it's just my eyes or my imagination.

Like I remember this one time, this was about a 2 or 3 years ago.

I was sitting in the backseat the car. And I remember just staring out the window. I don't think I was feeling anything at the time. I was just chilling. So anyways this man in this car pulls up to the side of our car to turn (he was making a turn to the right and we were going straight), and his face freaked me out so much *__* Okay, it wasn't that major because I didn't scream or react in a strange way. But anyways, his face had changed. It looked very demonic and evil. I just had to blink, but he had turned already.

I remember just looking ahead and waiting for my mom to finish her conversation. Then I told her what I saw.

I've also seen a Native American man running through the forest as we were driving by it. It was....hm...I don't know how to explain it. But we were driving by some trees and it seemed like the trees were moving quite fast (it was normal speed if I were to stand outside of the car). Anyways, I saw this Native American man running through the woods with his bow and arrow. I didn't tell anyone about this.

What's interesting about these things is the time. Time seems to go by slower when I see them, but it only last a few seconds.

Hm...in honesty, I stopped thinking about all those things like being a psychic or seer or anything like that. It was way annoying. I do think we all have some kind of special ability. But I've come to realize that somehow if I just go with things than it's not wrong. It's like riding a line even though I'm making the choices.

Anyways, before when I would think about those things I would over think them. So I just stopped :/ It was driving me nuts to be truthfully honest lol I would seriously sit and tell myself "I want to stop looking these kinds of things up. I want to go back to the way I was" things like that.

I don't know if I've grown at all to be honest. Well, I don't feel like I'm sitting in the same place anymore. You know that feeling where you feel like you're just sitting, but you're still moving in physical reality? That's the feeling I don't like. It makes me feel unproductive.

Even though I'm getting through school, I still have no idea what I actually want to do job-wise. I do have a lot of things I want to do as far as building things etc. But I think to myself "how the heck will I get to that point?" During times like that I would feel unproductive. But I don't think I have to go overboard like I think I do. It's like just do what I have to do now and stop worrying about things like that.

I guess I get overly excited. Kind of like when a kid is looking under the Christmas tree and they are anticipating what might be in the gift. D: The wait is sooo cruel! I just wonder if I will be okay. I guess that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. If I work on what I have to now, I shouldn't have too many problems later. It's like "don't let your work pile up."

I think if I'm sincere in who I am, I'll be okay. Hm....being honest about my feelings is a different story. I can talk about what I think about a situation, but trying to explain my feelings to someone makes me a little uncomfortable. I would start to get antsy because I'm not sure if they'll understand what I'm feeling. I know I can't expect people to understand, I know people will judge my feelings too. But some people can just be so cruel. >__> My birth chart says I have to work on not taking these kinds of things to heart.

What's strange is that if someone says I can't do something that I want to do, I won't listen to them because it's what I want to do. I often put a lot of thought into things. Anyways, I'm not sure what the problem is when it comes to this. It's like if I tried to tell someone about a dream I had, I would feel uncomfortable, depending on the dream. Like if I really wanted to talk about what I said above, about feeling like I talk to someone while I'm sleeping, I get uncomfortable. Mainly because I know that it's not common and there are all kinds of accusations out there.

But hey, when I think of people who saw things, such as Jesus :3 I feel better. I say "I'm not strange!"

I also cheer myself up by saying things like "you could be that extra voice with the others that are trying to show others that they can speak up about what they feel!"

Then that would compel me to speak up. I get less nervous. If I can do something to help to get people to live as who they are, if it means I have to be completely me no matter what people think, than I'm happy.

I'm sure if I told people who know me this they might think "what the heck are you talking about? Are you saying you don't act like yourself?"

In a way I feel like multiple me's. It's like the happy me, the sad me, the angry me, the me that get irritated. I know those are emotions, but I feel like they are multiple me's. And beyond those other me's is the me that I'm talking about. That's the one I'm trying to bring to the forefront. You see what I mean?

In a classroom scenario I'm sure people would have started to ridicule me.That's fine, but do it in your head. I don't just come to conclusions the way I do for no reason. I base them off of some kind of experience, things I've picked up on from life.

I'm speaking from experience when I say things like "don't ridicule me", I care, but at the same time I say that that is that person's thoughts, y'know. Hm...it's hard to explain. It's like I care, but I don't care what other people say. If I work this hard to bring myself forward, why should I push myself back because someone thinks I'm silly.

But I have found people think the way I think is interesting. Hm...I'm happy, but personally I don't know if I would call it interesting. In the end, I want people to know who I am. I would like to show people that it's fine being who you are, even if it's a bit different from what people think is "normal".

This is why I like Gackt as a person! People have called him "strange", and he even said himself that if he had to describe himself in one word he would say he's an "eccentric."

I was happy! Not because he called himself an eccentric, but because he never stopped. He kept going. He was pretty shy in the beginning, but he's more opened now.  He's also had times in his life that were difficult. And I understand this. What makes me more happy is he is a Cancer too! *grin* Cancer's FTW!

Although it's kind of tough being a Cancer, I think it's still pretty awesome. :3 I'm happy to have been born in the same month as him. And I can understand him. I even had a friend in high school who was also a Cancer. ^__^ We got along very very well. He didn't think I was strange. Even if I looked at my hand and said "who's eyes am I looking through right now?" he would just laugh and say "what?" and tell me to stop lol then we'd talk about something else. *sighs* that was my awesome brother(for fun). We were born on the same day and the same year.

Just knowing I've met another Cancer makes me happy lol And sometimes when I'm too happy I have to stop. I would seriously get serious with myself and tell myself to stop lol Mainly because I would want to hug the person, and second I would start asking them questions. I like being happy, but I don't like being overly happy lol

Anyways, that's all for now. It's almost 5 a.m. @__@

Well, if you read all of this, or even a little, scrolled down (just to see what I wrote down here), I want to say "thanks!!"

I'm not sure how interesting my entries are. To me it's just me ranting and clearing my head.

Oh! Also I've been continuing with my manga :3 I've only been working on a few pages. I only got one page inked in lol I wonder if animation is really for me lol I mean drawing everyday. But then again, I think it's because I have a lot on my mind without a clear path, that may be why I can't really draw a lot like I use too. Recently it seems very tedious.

Well, I have to go now. I'm not sleepy...I think, well, my body may be tired, but my mind is wide awake!

So I'll type something else soon.


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My journal went from talking about a dream to talking about....who-knows-what

Mon