Learning to love work♥

Hi!

Today I'd like to talk about "working" because right now I'm about to start on more homework.

In in school I actually do not like to do work. Homework in this case. It's very very boring.

But I have come to realize if I think of it as something other than work, I can do it.

For example, I love to read! But when I know that it's for homework, I hate to read lol So I have to tell myself "I'm learning something just like I would if I were to read it alone."

It's like I have to tell myself that I could learn some about "blah blah blah" reading about this topic. Even if I don't want to do it, knowing that I could learn something I've been know can help me do the work.

If I think it's work, I over-think it and it becomes stressful. If I think it's for fun I don't care and I can do it.So of course I'm beginning to understand it's all what I perceive to be "work."

So, I'd like to bring good news. I'm passing my Biology class with an A and my Physics class with a B~♪

I still have two weeks left, so I'm not out of the woods just yet. Hm....am I lazy I wonder? hahaha But I know that laziness can be overcome. It just takes willpower. So I'll keep going. I told myself before the classes begin that in order to get out the school quickly without having to pay any extra money, just do my homework!

In the end I'm like my biggest trainer. If someone says "you have to do your work" I hear them, but it's only a halfway thing with me. I have to also put fourth effort from my own inner strength. That can't be given to me. But I do appreciate the effort on the other person's end. It shows that they care, and that makes me happy.


Mon

Race

I've written 3 entries today. I'm on a roll today!

Today I'd like to talk about race. In particular, black people. Y'know, I'm a little disappointed with the whole idea that black people have in their mind. I mean, some black people. Being black, they may think I don't have black pride. That's probably true. I'm more into the inner being than the skin color.

It's disappointing that some black people blame their skin color on the fact that they cannot succeed. I'm not saying that other people won't judge on skin color, no no, but it's the fact that they believe they can't do anything because they are black. Don't ever let that hold you back. Regardless of what race you are. This is what I want to stress.

People who get angry at someone of their race dating someone of a different race disappoints me as well. Personally I think it's a way to mingle different cultural backgrounds and bring people closer. Then there wouldn't be just one race of black people or Asian, Mexican etc. But people with different pieces within themselves. Then no one could judge another because everyone would be mixed with lots of things.
But then I guess they would judge on outer appearance *rolls eyes*

I've also come across some very disturbing information from the older generation of black people. And yes I'm telling it all. I think different race of people should know. In particular, white people. There is this thing that white people are trying to bring back slavery.

I told the woman that I was speaking to that I doubt that it would be successful. One because there are mixed relationships were whites are dating or even have married blacks, so those people would stand up. Second because in the past our they didn't know what they were getting themselves into. And Third, I doubt black people would just go into it without a fight.

That made me sad that people believe this. I'm not saying some whites don't like black people, because I know that's stupid. Some people do dislike people because of their skin color, which is just ridiculous to me. However, when I see that I think "well, some white people don't like white. And some blacks don't like black people." but I don't think it's the skin color they dislike, but the qualities that have been contributed to a certain group of people. For the most part I will say that yes, a majority of blacks here where I live are very loud. But not all of them are like that.

It's like:

Majority > Minority.

The majority is loud, but there are minorities who aren't loud. And this whole level system is very crappy and needs to be torn down. Of course I'm not saying anything new. Some black people will say "I hate loud black people."But I think it's the quality.

That kind of thing can't be helped. There are loud people regardless of skin color. But for the most part, some people aren't taught to be respectful of other people. Or if they were, they just don't listen. Why hold that against every black person?"

It's like if I had an oreo and only ate the cream. Then what's the point of the oreo? I wouldn't be enjoying he whole cookie. It wouldn't be a cookie at all. Why not just buy cream? Why buy oreos in the first place??

I dunno, some things in this world just always fly at me and I'd sit and think about the fact that it almost makes as much sense as a people walking upside down on ceilings wearing animal outfits while singing "Yalonjzbuoubfkj". And that pretty much makes no sense, which is how I feel when I think about that kind of situation. hahaha


I don't know if I'm the most open minded person in the world, but I can certainly say that some things just don't balance out quite well. It's kind of like double-standards. They work in some situations, but not others.

One last thing before I'm done. I  really do like other cultures. There are things, many things, we could learn from each other. For example, China has one of the best ways for curing the body of ailments using natural ingredients from the earth.

Oh! And also, I heard from one Native American that Native Americans are the lowest minorities in the U.S. O__o how is that even possible? She said they are lower than Mexicans.

This is why I'm not for levels. I talk to everyone. Everyone isn't me. That's cool. But it would be great if I had a tape player to play back some of the things that people have said to be over the course of my 22 years. Then I'd play it back and ask them "how does that sound to you?" and I'm sure they'll say "it sounds fine to me." Then I'd say "come back for another lifetime as the thing you dislike, then come back to me and tell me how that information sounded." hahaha then they'd say "I don't believe in reincarnation." and I'd say "say that after your next life", pat their shoulder and walk away.

lol I can't believe I just had a lot of fun typing that xD Anyways, that's all for now.

My advice look beyond what your eyes are seeing. Things aren't just the way they are for no reason. It started somewhere. For example, a ripple doesn't just appear, something caused it.

Mon

A memory that haunts me Part 2

I have this other memory. Hm...strange enough my good memory is only of that guy who said he understood how I felt. Whether he meant it or not, I'm not sure, but I felt happy.

Anyways, there was this one incident where my older sister poured hot water on a this little boy's back. The little boy was a friend of mines, brother. The friend I'm talking about is the girl who got me interested in drawing.

She used to live across the basketball court from our house. So it was an easy walk. We went to elementary and a year of high school together.

Anyways, that day my mom was working. And I can't  really recall what happened. But I think we were having a water gun fight together. And I guess the boy did something my older sister didn't like. So she went into the house and put a pot of water on the stove.  I remember watching her. I didn't say anything. I don't know why. Maybe I didn't know what would happen. But I was a little scared.

So she ended up pouring the hot water on him. I think the next day or so, the boy's mom came to our house. And his mom told our mom what happened. My mom called my sister outside. I'm not sure how it happened, but I remember standing inside the house staring out the window. My mom was on my sister punching her. And there was a crowd of people around watching.

Honestly that wasn't the first time something like them fighting as happened. But it was the first time it was really really bad. I remember crying silently next to my younger sister. At the time I think my older sister was in middle school. I doubt that my older sister knew that it would happen this way. But I remember looking at my younger sister. I don't think she was crying. I think she was confused because she was just staring. But I cried. I was scared. And I hated the situation.

Then somehow me and my younger sister was in our room. And from my old sister's room I could hear crashing and thuds. My mom had brought my sister inside to beat her some more because my sister called her out her name. I remember hearing my older sister shouting that she didn't mean to say that and trying to cover up what she said. And the constant thuds coming from her room (of course the door was closed).

I really didn't like what was happening. I wanted to stop my mom, but I was so tiny at that age. What could I do? Anyways, my mom was done. And I remember my sister saying that she'll call the police. My mom told her if she does she'll hit her some more.

But what really scarred me is my sister's face. She had lumps on her forehead. Her nose was bleeding. Her head was bleeding.  Her lip was busted. I felt the pain. I felt like I had been hit and my heart ached.

I remember the police came. But they didn't do anything. One other thing I remember was being in the car with my mom. She was talking about putting my sister in juvenile detention.

My mom never took her there. We just drove home.

And yet, we are still here. Like nothing happened. But I remember.

This incident reminds me of the day my dad left. That day I remember my mom and him fought each other. I remember seeing her hitting his with a fan. I think she's (my mom) the one that told us to go outside in the hallway of the apartment, or my older sister took me and my younger sister out to the hallway.

But this is another memory that haunts me.

Mon

A memory that haunts me Part 1

I wonder.....

Does typing these things out like this, will it make it better? Anyways I started to think of something that happened to me as a child, maybe I was 6 or 7. I was in elementary school. I was thinking about this when I was in the kitchen just now.This memory still haunts me. I don't find a need for it anymore. So I'll type it here.

Our family use to have these beach towels with characters from Space Jam the movie on them. Now that I think about it, we never went to the beach to use those.

Anyways, one of those beach towel's had a huge puddle of dry blood on it. The blood on the towel was mines.

In elementary my mom had me and my younger sister walk home together. We lived only a few minutes from our house. Maybe about 5 to 8 minutes from our house. But being young, it seems longer. Anyways, one day, I can't completely recall why, but I told my sister I would go ahead (home) and she could catch up with me.

I didn't think anything wrong of it. But I remember my mom pulled up on the side of me, and she looked angry. My heart dropped and I became scared. She was shouting, but the windows weren't rolled down. She rolled it down and told me to get in the car. I can't really recall how things happened the way they did. But I do remember she was very angry at me for walking home alone. Then she was hitting me in the face. Like hard. Not that soft slaps. But very hard and I guess my nose was bleeding and she tossed that Space Jam beach towel at me. And I held that to my nose. I didn't realize my nose was bleeding. I think she got mad at me for just sitting with a bloody nose.

I think I probably cried. She said something could've happened to my sister. But as a kid, I don't think I knew that. My mom never told me why me and my sister should walk home together. But that was the one incident where I didn't want home with her. Actually, I think this memory still hurts me because I want to cry.

Anyways, we found my sister. She was still at the school. I remember a few things my mom said has she was driving to the school. She said something like "if your sister isn't at the school. I'm gonna whoop your ass." and things like that. I was completely scared.

So I started to pray to God that my sister was there. I think  before that incident, I got a very bad beating for lifting my shirt up in school because everyone else was doing it and I thought nothing of it. I had to have been maybe 5 years old. Because it was before I was in the first grade.

Anyways, so yes. We found my sister. But I remember sitting in the backseat just very angry, confused and very sad. I was also embarrassed and crying because my sisters were in the car and they saw me holding this towel to my face. Not just them, but also people who were walking on the sidewalks. My mom told me to stop crying. So I had to stop crying. Maybe this is why I don't like to cry in front of people lol I never thought about this.

But I do remember my older sister making jokes about the bloody beach blanket. And whenever she did, I would just get quiet. That memory was not a happy one. I think back then I questioned "how could someone who say they love you, hurt you?" Yes, at a very young age I started to question that.

I started to realize that maybe I cared for my mom more than she cares for me. Or maybe it's just in my mind. But honestly, just like with any other relationship, a person who loves you would never hurt you on purpose. And that was certainly purposely.

A friend's daughter

I would like to take some time to write about someone's daughter. This person is like a consultant. Someone I feel I can turn to and talk about just about anything. To me, to be able to consultant or confide in someone anything about myself, I feel is more special than calling them a friend. It's more like family than anything.

However, with the words "friend" and "family", my eyes have yet to find the true meaning of this. But I can say that I really do appreciate her.

To your daughter, I wish her only the best. Pain is no joke at all. And if I had the powers to heal, I will heal her of her pain. I would wash away the wounds and scars of sadness from all that you are going through and shine a light so bright to cast out the darkness.

But I can't. The only thing I can do is give my words of encouragement. To your daughter I say look beyond the pain to the experience at hand. It's a kind of loving experience in a way. To have someone there doing their best to help you get better. Sometimes pain is a way to shine light on us. I think it's much more. I can say "I wish you the best" but I feel like it's not enough. If I could, I would rather sit beside you. But to me, that would still not seem like enough. So I would rather reach my heart out to you and say that I sincerely and give you my blessings.

And I wish you a very safe and quick recovery.

Hm....I'm not sure what else to say. But I am concerned for your health. I am concerned for the feelings the people and your family may have. This is for you. This blog. So I'm writing to you as if I may be sitting beside you, telling you these words from my own mouth. In times of pain, I think if you look within for the strength to get through it, you can do it. I believe this.

Even in a room full with people sometimes the feeling doesn't fade. And I know this. I won't pretend I don't. But I do believe that those kinds of things, the answers, are within. And you can reach it. That strength. That extra push. The energy to heal.

So to my friend, I wish your daughter the best. I just hope my words are rude or offensive. Oh! And I know I say this all the time,but I really think atmosphere is important. I remember being in the hospital and the room was not comforting at all. Even a simple fountain could help I think.

Symbols are for the soul. These things could be comforting and ease the pain a little. The only thing I could offer are words or suggestion. But I do wish you daughter the best.

Mon

11/29/12

Today I only had a plate of oatmeal. That was at around 2 a.m. this morning. 

I went to bed at about 5 a.m. after getting some exercise and helping to correct blogs by Japanese learners. I woke up at 2 p.m. and when I woke up my mom "I'll  make you and your sister make the chili." 

I, of course, became annoyed because you can't "make" me do anything. I really hate when she talks that way. It's the way she's spoken to my sisters and I our whole life. It's like no kind of respect in her words. It's like saying "I don't have to respect you because I'm your mother." And even still, I'm a human being first. With emotions and everything. Not some trash. Not just a daughter. 

Hm.....My stomach is growling, but it's common. I'm more in thought today than anything. 

It's like whenever I began to trust someone or believe in their words, they start to disappear from me.This is why I feel I have to support myself as best as I can. That's not to say I don't have friends. Or people I can speak too.I do. Maybe I'm searching for support from home. Which I feel I, and no way, am actually receiving.

I look at he family I was born into, and love is definitely lost. My mom complains about her mom. My uncle is in this gang. My other uncle is way over weight and doesn't want anything to do with his son. My dad is off living his life somewhere. My grandma has my cousin who thinks that she's his mom. It's annoying. Sometimes I just want to hug them all, put them in a room and tell them to talk lol  I'm not lying.

You see, I feel like this place I should call "home" lacks so much. Love, morals, support etc. It's dry. No nourishment at all. And me being me, I feel I have to find the honest truth alone (in my family). 

That part doesn't make me sad, it's the lack of security and support and wanting to get close that makes me sad. I can feel it. It's not so much has things being said. But I don't feel like we all know each other (the real us) as a whole. 

That's what makes me sad. And me, I feel like the one who has to listen because no one else will. I think I said this before, but one day my grandma (on my mom's side) just started telling me things about herself. About how she thought she had cancer. My mom would tell me and my sisters how her father would hit our grandma. And I would think "why does she sound okay saying that?" she told us how her mom would make them clean up all the time. How she would call my mom ugly etc. 

Instantly a bulb went off in my head, I thought "I won't let that be me!" I won't live the vicious cycle that this family probably proclaimed many many years ago. Even as a child I'm happy to have had this innate ability to see things differently and to feel things without anyone saying a word. 

I say it's a blessing. But it's hard to deal with too because I'm understanding it alone. I also cry when it gets hard. Sometimes the feelings are very intense and I cry, but not because I'm like super sad, but because I feel it in my chest, it's like a huge amount of energy. 

Anyways, I just walked to the library. I will get a job soon! I felt like I wasn't taking the steps to getting one. My first job was by luck or rather, someone put it in front of me. Which I'm thanking for. I think I know why it was does. So I won't talk about that. I don't want to think anything else of it. But now I feel I will put in work to find a job. And since the library is nearby, I will do my best to get a job there. 

But I really want a job so I can get out of this house. It's driving me nuts! It's messy. Very annoying. I clean, but I hate cleaning when all someone would do is leave things lying around and don't care to clean up after themselves. I expect that from children, not grown people.

That even annoyed me at work. People would just leave garbage at the desk, push their chair out, get up and leave. That leaves a bad feeling in me because I could only imagine what they would do outside of the school. Throwing garbage on the ground. Not cleaning up.

So I feel like I NEED to leave. I NEED to leave for my own health. My mental health. Because of the way my mind works, I have to do what I can to stay in a good state of mind. I can't really do that here. Too many demands. Too many demands at once. And I can't think about myself or health. 

For the most part, before I thought it would be selfish to relax. To stop and worry about me. But I realized I need that the most if I can help anyone. Of course I still like to help. But I realized I'm a little damaged and I need to repair myself. I know how to do it. I need to do things I like to do without distractions.Without feeling like I can't do it. If I'm in good spirits, I don't mind helping. It's something I would request.

I don't mind helping, but I would also like to be in a good state of mind to do it. I would put more effort forward. 

Oh! Before I go, I would like to share this song. I really like it *__* It makes me feel sooooo much better. I think it's her voice. But I want to try singing this song. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqFy9S_3L14&list=PLFADA46C9ECDA45D8&index=24&feature=plpp_video

I think she's Russian. 

Anyways, I feel better now. It's just that maybe I feel like I may be starting to understand myself more than trying to understand others. Not saying I will neglect others, but it's just that I understand myself in comparison to them. Instead of understanding myself in the same light as them. Trying to mend and mold myself into their ways. 

So my advice, is to know who you are. You don't need to compare yourself to someone else. When you are yourself and people like you for who you are, then you will see that you are just as special.  It will become easier and easier and people will say "that person is really down to earth" or "that person isn't afraid to be his/herself." 

So no matter what you think about yourself, other people may not feel the same. They may like what you consider to be a flaw. And also if there is a quality in you that you feel is harmful, do your best to fix it. If you realize you are a bit to mean, find a way to fix that. Try viewing things differently it could help. Also realize that not everyone will like you. That's okay. Some people just don't like certain people. That's not your fault. At most you probably did nothing worth them hating you for. 

The ones who should mean more to you, who deserve your focus are the ones who do care. 

Also, I've come to wonder if the people who hate, have to much time on their hands. I wonder if they ask themselves why they hate. And if they come up with an answer, why do they hate the answer they came up with. 

Hate, in my opinion, is just a question that's has yet to be answered. 

Live today as you. 

Mon

P.S. Just because I vent a lot and whine, doesn't mean I don't try lol This goes to show that I'm just a squishy whiny human kind of person.  

I'm annoyed, ONCE AGAIN

It's like a wall has been built around them and the only thing they have for them are the things that are behind that wall. There are four walls, and they seem to be okay behind them.

Trying to enjoy doing something I don't just frustrates me more. It reminds me of that scene from Titanic when Rose is staring off and she thinks about how she sees her life, the same mindless chatter, the gossiping etc.

And that's how I feel. But it's not me, it's them. I don't want them to be like that. But it's not my life, so should it matter??

It frustrates me  that I get annoyed by something like this. It really does. It's not tactful at all.

But I'm really irritated by the fact that every time I walk by, that t.v. is on. Or she's complaining about work. It's just to routine, and it's annoying. My sister is starting to feel the effect. And it seems like my mom is pushing her issues on us.

I try to understand my mom, but it's tough sometimes. But I guess her job is effecting her. For example, at work they have her do everything. They want her to clean etc. She comes home, complain about that and make a mess and want us to clean it up. >__> It's very annoying.

I've been thinking to myself "should I be saying this?" but I don't care anymore. I'm annoyed and it's very frustrating. What's worse is I don't think she realizes that she's doing it.

I'm sorry to talk about things like this. I could just save it to a draft, but I won't. Why should I be ashamed to talk about what's bothering me.

What gets me through, is imagining where I want to be. The things I want. The way I will be etc. A lot of great things. I don't want to keep living as her arm rest.

But sometimes I worry that when I do  move out I will leave and won't look back. I say to myself "I don't want to be that way." but my feelings speak for me, it speaks over that optimism.

Oh! And I also read from my birth chart that I could be pessimistic when things don't go my way. That I could  be optimistic too.

Fatty foods. Junk. All of that is just irritating me. Is this what it means to be truly restless to the point of annoyance. I need something different.

*sighs* I don't think I'm done. But every morning with having the same thing happens just makes me so annoyed.

*smiles* But living alone....Y'know actually I wonder if I could live alone. By myself. I like talking to people when I'm feeling better. But when I'm feeling rotten I go off on my own to get better. I don't feel like I should bring them down. But hearing that t.v. in the other room gives me no quiet.

This is why I stay up until 4 a.m. to 5 a.m. Everyone is usually in bed by 12 midnight. So I only get a little bit of quiet during those times. Yeah my sleep pattern is messed up, but it's the only time I can feel a bit sane and not want to jump off the wall.

If I live alone (so says my art teacher from high school) then I will be able to deal with them. I think so too. Right now it just seems unlikely lol However, I do feel if I'm able to go somewhere for some quiet time without any noise, just to be me and not trying to hide I would be okay. Then I could deal with people. I would be really happy!

But at the moment that's kind of hard. The limited amount of quiet I get here isn't enough. I sound very selfish, but I like being happy. If I could have it my way i would make my quick annoyance disappear. But I can't. So the only thing I can do is to just deal with it as best as I can.

I'm sure my sister thinks I'm mad at her. But I'm not. Honestly, I don't think I'm actually mad at anymore....or rather I get angry, but then I get over it very quickly. Besides, whenever I do find that I'll get loud or start to talk in a mean way I feel very guilty because I don't like directing those kinds of things at people.

However I have found that if I have a lot of things going on at once, like now (with my projects) and people bother me, I get very annoyed. I don't want to help them with anything. But I do it anyways in spite of that. Only because it's not their fault I took on those projects. But I do know that I'll never get anything done if I keep doing things for people. So knowing that, I wonder is it still considered selfish.

I like helping. But I don't want to be completely selfless too. There's a balance.

*sighs* If a guy would ever decide to date me lol he would probably have the patience of a saint and is very adventurous and can deal with me. If it comes to that I would be very grateful. I can understand how my ways could be an issue sometimes. But I need someone to understand that and give me my space.

Mon

Good morning

Well, actually, good afternoon~

I have an assignment to due. My Biology assignment isn't actually due until tomorrow. But I'm gonna do it today anyways.

Today I really don't have a set plan. I think I'll just continue to try to finish Chapter 2 of my comic. I'll try to get more done today.....Hopefully :P

Mon

The true meaning of receiving

I read that all things that a person is thinking does not need to be said or put out into the world....so I'm wondering why I do it. Well, not everything....mostly everything though.

Anyways, I feel like I understand what it feels like to want to give something to your loved ones, but you can't.

Right now I'm feeling very limited and it's taking about my Christmas spirit.

I was perfectly fine until I started thinking about it again.

What am I talking about now?

Well, I started doing some Black Friday shopping. At first I was really happy, but during it I started to think a little bit about the fact that I wasn't buying anything.

I don't have any money. :(  And just seeing my sisters shopping for Christmas made me sad. My older sister said she would loan me the money and I can pay her back, my mom said the same  thing. But it won't be the same.

I don't know why this makes me this sad. I'm literally crying lol it's kind of pathetic. I don't like crying over small things like this. It's weird. Like I don't cry at wedding of funerals, but I cry at things like this.

Anyways, the reason it makes me sad is because they might get me gifts. I just don't have the money to buy anything. I'll be honest, I only have $27 dollars in my bank account.  And I know why too.

During the time I was working I was giving my money to my mom to help her pay the bills. I knew my money was decreasing, but my mom wasn't working. I did it willingly. Not with the thought that she would have to pay me back.

Reality hit when I found out I couldn't work at the school anymore.

It's like those parents who want to give their child the best, but they just don't have the money to (or they think money will do it). It's the fact they they may be getting me gifts. And I would be sitting with them while they have presents looking at the gifts, when I could only give them not much at all.

I would use that cheesy "I'm your Christmas gift thing" as a humorous way to look at it. But I'm still sad

This makes me wonder am I not a true receiver? I mean this is Christmas. The day of giving and receiving.

I like to give and I like to receive things as well. But honestly, this time around, I have no idea why this is bothering me as much as it does.

My younger sister asked me, as we were walking up the stairs to the house "you were fine shopping with us until now. Why don't you want to come with us anymore?" I couldn't answer because I don't know.

It's true I was okay up until now. I seriously wanted to cry in the backseat of the car while my older sister drove me home, but I read that negative energy like that could effect other people's energy. So I didn't want to bring them down with my out-of-no-where mood. >___>

Well, I'm sure I'll be okay tomorrow. It's just when the gifts start to roll in. I really want to tell everyone to not buy me anything at all. I'm half and half on it, but I don't feel like it would be so great if I can't buy anything. This is annoying.

*sighs* Oh well. I'll just have to keep living each day. Looking at this from a higher place, I'm seriously cry over absolutely nothing. This will pass obviously. I think it's just that I care so much for giving, that it's making me sad knowing that I can't give like I want to. It's similar to the situation my mom was in last Christmas. :( I wonder if this is how she felt. Honestly, I hope not. I think my mom is stronger than me. She's a Leo and I'm a Cancer. But well, I guess, whatever. I'm just happy she has a job.

And in seriousness, that puts a smile on my face. Oh! And a friend of mines is pregnant again! I'm excited. I really miss her, but I'm glad she's okay.

Anyways, I hope everyone else has a great and safe holiday. If or when it does start to snow, please be very careful. For some very strange reason, people tend to drive a bit crazier in the snow. I'm really no fan of people driving in snow or icy roads at all (because of the black ice). But I understand Christmas shopping too. So please please please try your best to drive very slow and safely.

Mon

A little reading

I'll be heading out soon. I still haven't taken that nap! lol

Anyways, I'm reading about charisma. I want to be out there so badly, by out there I mean having my voice heard! I'm just so sick and tired of sitting in the background. It's annoying and very boring.

Of course I don't want to be followed, but I do feel like I have a lot to say about the things I've seen. I want to be a kind of voice. Something that tells people that they are just as important as the next and to not give up.

With sincerity, I really mean this. It's about me getting that message out there.

Someday I will. I'll make sure of it. This feeling is inside of me and it feels like it will explode. So I'll do it.

Mon

Something interesting

I love googling. It's my favorite past time.

Sometimes I can't even watch youtube videos without googling. Mainly because there's like a million things in this universe to be read about.

Anyways, I came across this. It's very interesting and I agree (is it because I do this?)

"We have a bad habit as a culture of wanting everything to be test and assessment ready. We now send kids to college programs that aspire to job placement (even when there might not be jobs to be had) but offer little in the way of critical thinking. Why not learn something because it should be learned? Why does everything have to have a monetary reason or result? Isn't that what has India and China beating us academically in the first place?"

I agree mainly because this is what I was questioning before....hm...maybe agree shouldn't be the word I should use...but I understand because this is what I was questioning before.

Learning things just to learn them. I've been often wondering why we do things in the first place. To meet some kind of end right? Not negatively speaking this time, but just in general. Necessities I understand. Go to the store to get food. However it comes into question when I see people pile up on food. Isn't that going beyond the amount needed. I guess people may think we are at a point where food is sparse. 

However, now that I'm reading a few pages from my Intro. to Biology digital book, it's got me thinking that maybe doing this is going to limit the amount of resources me have.

Now, these are just my guesses, and I'm not saying I'm completely observant, but I think I can possibly put two and two together.

Take for instance  the war that was going on in Iraq. I'm not into politics (so I won't speak like I know what I'm talking about), but I've heard people say they were their for oil and some other things. Does that bring up the question "are we running low on fuel, so much so that we have to kill over it?" 

In the biology text it states "density-dependent factors decrease birth rate or increase death rates, and they come into play or worsen wit crowding. Competition among members of a population for limited resources leads to density-dependent effects."

Now moving on to the cloning of animals. Why actually would people want to start cloning? To gain a larger amount of animals to produce more food? This brings up my point of stocking up on more food than needed. I can understand how it can help in times of a disaster. Yes, that's understandable. I won't argue with that point. To me, that's a little sad because I can see selfish ways in this situation. People will give what they can to others, but after some time, they hide what they have because they're running low.

So I wonder about this situation. What can we as a whole do? This is why I think the education isn't the best. I learn more from doing my free reading than I would sitting in a class for an hour. Yes I love art. But I was doing art on my own before taking classes. If I wanted to improve I could learn on my own. But that's not the point. The point is this, learning the essential is key.

Learning about the land. Treating it kindly. Not treating it like crap and throwing waste everywhere. It's like we're still living in old times, but place a curtain over it and pretend it doesn't happen.

I think if we learned to cultivate the land properly, such as learning to grow the essential foods for our bodies, rather than depending on farms to quickly produce everything for us. I think it could help them a lot. Plus we wouldn't have to worry about chemicals infested vegetables.

Also critical thinking. I don't think (even in college) we think critically anymore in class. It's annoying to have a teacher stand in front of the class 5 days out of the week for about an hour just trying to drill stuff in our heads. Yeah we'll retain that information only long enough for a test. Then we may never use it again anymore. In class (the classes I took) they just don't ask us "what do you think about this situation?" or "what would you do in this situation?" what's worse is that they say "nope, that's wrong" or "hm...I don't think so" to our answers.

Survival. This is essential too. A desk will not help to protect me in a major kidnapping situation. Or if I were approached by wolves. In the past people learned these things, I'm going to go no a limb and guess that it was because they had no choice. They lived in the open. And that's what's not healthy. Yes! We live on the inside. But there is still an outside out there that we don't know how to protect ourselves against (without violence if necessary).

The outside hasn't left. Those things are still out there. We've just been put INSIDE this kind of bubble. A bubble I call a society of a mind box, where everything is okay. I'm not gonna say it's not okay, but I think the moment we were placed in this box, those natural human instincts went out the window. The were toss out the window and closed in a shed. So then, when in this society, a person loses it, I say "a natural animalistic moment?"

It's not gone. It's that part we call dark, dangerous and dirty. It's the part that craves pleasurable situations, excitement, it's just as natural as breathing air, but it's become contained.

Now please understand I'm not saying the way things are is bad, it's both. It's healthy because it gives a steady footing, but it's unhealthy because of the containment portion.

Imagine if you bought a bottle of soda. It's good because the soda is in the bottle. Of course you wouldn't want your soda not in a bottle or container. It keeps in less messy. But now you shake the body okay. The ingredients become rattled up. It stays contained until the cap comes off and the soda end up all over the place. It's a  messy situation.

Humans, in my opinion, are like bottles of sodas (bear with my analogy lol), they have natural ingredients that are contained by what is said to be right and wrong. But there are lots of different sodas out there. And they have different ingredients. But if shaken to a certain point, they lash out. Can we get angry at this if it was never taught out to control it in a healthy way? Yeah, I've had teachers say "keep your hands and feet to yourself" as a child, but do people listen. Nope.

I once read that it's because, as children, just saying "no" doesn't explain anything. Explain to people. Don't just say "no". By the time they get older, it may be too late (not really) because it's ingrained into their head that what they are doing is a part of themselves.

I also have an issue with this ban on gay marriage thing too. But I'll save that for another time.

Now I'm gonna take a nap and get back to my homework when my nap is over.

See you soon!

Mon

It makes me happy

Hi!

I'm a bit overwhelmed with the work I have planned today.I have Biology and Physics reading to do. And assignments due tomorrow. It's not due today, but because I'm thinking it will be a bit much, I'm not pleased to do it. But one way I can do it is by just starting. Once I start that feeling will fade. It's always this way....

Anyways, I want to talk about something that makes me happy. Well sometimes I feel detached. Because I can take things quite personally, I have to stand back a bit to take in the situation without my feelings trying to guide me. There's a time for it to work, and time for it to make me not want to do anything at all (just like the example above). Anyways, when my grandma passed I wasn't sad. As I said I was actually relieved. I don't think death is a bad thing at all.....Hm...depending on the situation. But when I sat with my grandma after my grandpa passed, she just seemed so sad. That was harder for me to watch because it was very quiet in the house. When my grandpa was around it wasn't very quiet, even though he always worked in the garage, when he came in he would sit at the kitchen table with the t.v. on and fall asleep hahaha

But anyways, I guess to me it's like a relief because I felt very sad for her. I believe when we pass we meet up with our loved ones. That makes me happy.

But what really makes me happy is this. It's something very small, but I'll share it. My grandma always had long finger nails. When I would visit her she would say "grow out your nails, it would look very pretty" but I would always bite off my nails or they would break. But I did like my grandma's finger nails. I would polish them (she had a lot of finger nail polish).

So at the beginning of this year (I believe) I decided not to bite on my nails and let them grow out. I'm starting to wonder if on the inside I knew this. Because now when I think about my finger nails, I feel like my grandma lives on in a way hahaha it's like because I'm growing out my nails I'm keeping a promise to her. If I can do something for someone who has passed, I'm very happy.

Although, this is the only time this has happen. Hm....me and my grandma were very similar. Well, I'm not sure what makes me not sad, but I'm happy I can keep this promise.

So this is what makes me happy. It's something very small, but it makes me very happy.

Mon

Something I'm starting to get tired of....

Something I'm getting tired of is people negative opinions of others. 

Before I just thought it was okay because it was their opinion. However, there's like no line. They just spit words out like fire, without regards to the other person's feelings. And that's where my problem lies. 

For instance, if the person is a friend of mines, but they aren't around and someone starts talking about them like they know them but they don't, I would say "okay, that's enough." But it's not enough because they keep doing it anyways. Those are the kinds of people I feel would just bad mouth another behind their back.

But lately I thought to myself "if I know it's not true, why should I care?" The only thing that should matter is how I see the person, not how everyone else sees the person.

A perfect example of this is Beyonce and Jay-Z. I've read all kinds of comments about them (I'm gonna stop reading those comments, I don't know why they're tempting to read O__o), anyways without anyone bothering me, I think to myself that she looks happy with him, and they are married and still together. Obviously she sees something in him that she loves and she knows the guy more than any of these people out here would (by people out here, I mean people who do not know any TRUTH about him as a person). So in my mind I say that I wish them the best. And if they make some kind of blunder in public, I think it should show people that they are still human and make mistakes. >__> I just don't understand some people's perceptions sometimes. EVERYONE makes mistakes.

I think this goes back to the way a person was raised. What one person would find okay to do, another probably wouldn't. But how would it make the other person wrong if they don't know what the other person knows. 

After taking ethics, and learning more about the Japanese culture it has opened my eyes that what some of us consider "common sense" isn't very common at all based on where a person grew up or was raised. 

What we say is "different" is only different because we're not use to it. 

I know I can't dispel this from the face of the earth, but I most certainly can ignore it or turn away from it, pay it no mind. It's like those negative thoughts that surface. We do have control over what we listen to, what we will believe, what we consider to be good or bad, healthy or not healthy. So I choose to just see things and gain my own perception on it.

Also, it's always easier to ask someone to elaborate, rather than to come up with our on notions of something. I've learned that sometimes we make take things the wrong way.

I've seriously come to understand my younger sister a bit more. We've had time were she or I had said something but it turns out it was misinterpreted. That can happen. No one is at fault though. It's just a simple mistake. And it does happen. So I feel that instead of guessing what the other person meant to say, just ask them. 

I want my relationships to be like this. I want to understand the people I meet as who they are, not who I think they are. 

I smell it again

I can smell that burning smell again. This is the third time this week. I don't know what it is still. But I can tell it smells like something burning. I'm not sure what that something is. Maybe like old cigars, or something. Or burning wood. Anyways, there's nothing burning in the house.

My insane hate to give up

I hate giving up on things! I've been trying to get this mp3 player to work for the past hour and a half >__>

My projects

Okay! So I'll talk about some projects I'm working on.

But before I start, to me it feels like I'm doing nothing with my life. I feel sooo unproductive. Is it possible to want to just relax all the time but also search for work to do. :/

Anyways, I'm working on a manga (or comic book). I'm almost done with Chapter 2. But recently I haven't been working on it due to class assignments online. Luckily they give us a 3 day break into between weeks!

I've been studying Japanese on and off for 4 years. I've recently enjoyed helping Japanese people with English! It's a lot of fun because it's fun to see other people learning!

Then I'm also learning how to create 2-D animation using this new program I downloaded online called Gimp. I would really like to learn to make at least one good animation in my life! Which means I'll have to work very hard on it and focus my attention on it.

Next, me and my sister decided to turn one of my story ideas into a movie animation using these little characters called Sims. It's a game. And it's very common for people to make series or movies. I've always wanted to do one.

I sing. This usually reduces the amount of time I have per day because I could sing for hours (has done it before).

I've been also looking for a job. Which sucks because no one has called me back yet. I'm not really worried, but I really want to work at Pier 1 imports! I love that store. The atmosphere is great!

See? My list isn't long. However, each of the things above take time, focus and effort. So it seems like it's taking forever.

But I have a plan! I want to really finish Chapter 2 of my comic! Then I can focus on my next goal. I know that learning Japanese is a long term goal. But if I can get to intermediate or advanced level, then I would start learning Chinese (I want to speak in Chinese with my friend in China).

Besides the things I'm doing now, I have things I want to do in the future. Which I'm wondering how I will get from one point to the other lol I guess that's why I feel unproductive.

I really want to travel. I see my drivers license in view recently. I hope that will come soon!

And on top of all of this, I'm wondering what I want to do in life. I have a lot of things I'm interested in. I always say that I would hate to give them all up just to pursue ONE thing in life! That would be boring. It's like in order to do one thing, I have to give up another.

For example, I like art, however, I haven't drawn much lately. How will this help me in the animation career? I don't want to sit in from of a computer all day long just animating. I have to move from one thing to another to keep me active and feeling alive!

My sister mentioned becoming a translator. But as you can see, I haven't been studying Japanese recently because of the other stuff I'm trying to finish..

And recently I've been wanting to knit or crochet things or create things to give to charities. I've always wanted to visit a charity place. It seems interesting.

I also want to be a regular. I've already expressed to my mom how I want to live in a neighborhood where I could become friendly with everyone in my neighborhood.

It would be similar to when I work on campus. I would meet the same people everyday, and of course some new faces, and we would talk about new events happening with them. I enjoy those kinds of things! But there were times when I would think "this routine is getting annoying." So not only do I flip flop from activity to activity, my mood is the same way. Which sucks. I've realized that in order to keep it in line, I have to move about. I get restless if I stay in one place for too long.

I don't have to go super far to feel better, but it's more like, just a simple walk. I guess my energy would become to pent up. I found that when I get like this cleaning or cooking helps, or exercising. Singing does too. And walking. Anything physical to get out of my mind.

Anyways, that's just about it. It's nothing completely interesting and new. What really surprises me is when people think it's cool. To me, it's not very cool because it's been this way a while now. Not trying to make the person feel like what they said is not meaningful to me, it is. But because it's normal, it just seems normal for me lol

Oh! And also, I want to be the kind of person who has learned something, and if someone finds it's cool and want to learn it, I want to teach them!

Mon

I wanna try it!

I always wanted to audition for one of those singing shows!

I don't think I have the best voice (singing wise, such as technique, and honestly hearing the sound of my own voice makes me cringe sometimes haha), but I've always wanted to try out for one.

I don't know why. I don't know if I expect to make it through. I don't know what I'd do if I'd make it through lol I guess I would just keep singing.

I did win one talent show back in my last year of high school. It's not that I'm cocky, but I was not surprised. Like I was shocked and giggly and crying. Mainly because I didn't really think much about winning in the first place. I was more worried about doing my best. '

I can admit, I'm competitive when it comes to challenges, like video games, or cooking a new dish. I don't like to give up. But since I just sing to sing, it doesn't phase me. But if someone thinks I'm good then I get very very happy and nervous lol But it's a good thing because I'm really grateful.

I do look for criticism, which is something vocal teachers give. But I don't have one of those at the moment. So it's all self learning.

But I feel when I get to technique with things, it comes out strange. So I'm just learning to just allow it to be. Don't think too much and just enjoy the moment. Like trying to sing powerfully. Because I don't think my voice is very strong to begin with lol even though I want it to be stronger. But even when I try shouting at my dogs for doing something wrong, I start coughing and would think "my voice isn't strong enough for shouting..." haha

But this is just something I want to do someday! I think it could be fun. I actually did like the talent show thing. Being on a stage for the first time was very different for me, but I was overthinking it. Wondering if I should move my hands, stand up, etc. Those things shouldn't be thought about. It comes off as strange I think.

But when I'm at home I like to jump around and sing. I do this just about everyday.

Also, a friend of mines, her daughter is in the hospital. I wonder if she's (her daughter). Personally, I think my friend as been through a lot so far. But I really like how she is staying strong. I may not be able to see her face to face, but her strength is a great motivation to me. I'm always amazed by certain qualities in people.

Like for instance, my older sister seems selfish, and sometimes I think she is, but she does a lot for people. Well, in my opinion anyways. She knows when she needs to care for herself, so she's okay with saying "no", but when she's gotten everything out of the way, she'll help out. She even told me "I'll get around to doing something that someone ask me eventually. When I'm ready." I feel this way sometimes too. Than maybe we are both selfish lol But I think a little selfishness if okay. I wonder if some people think being selfish is a negative thing. I learned that being too giving could strip you of your own life.

But I've come to understand my older sister a bit more. I don't bug her about things because I know that she'll get to it when she can. And she does. But this quality annoys my younger sister lol "ugghhh! She get's on my nerves!" is what my younger sister would say and I'd laugh.

My mom has great strength too. And my younger sister is able to just allow someone else's anger to pass right by her.

Actually, I realized I enjoy finding out interesting qualities in people! It's  very fun. But for the most part I just don't feel the need to show who I am. I'm interested in them! It's like, I don't want to over-shadow them. That doesn't mean I'm not being myself, it's just I would shut up and listen to them.It's like I go into Mon shut down mode and I'm engulfed in the other person. I get very very quiet lol

I wonder if to some people it seems like I'm  not interested. One guy told me it feels like I'm interrogating him. I told him to stop talking to me if it feels that way lol

I feel that talking about myself doesn't amount to who I am completely. I want me to show through my actions. Which I think it does. For instance, I could say "I don't want to do that for you" but end up doing it because I would think of the things that person did for me. It's like my words might be harsh, but my heart is like a squishy squid. It's just too soft! lol

I got off topic.

Oh! One more thing, I'm also happy my entries have gotten shorter. I've also felt that I don't necessarily have much to talk about (complain about) anymore. My mind is completely clear of those kinds of thing.

I also find it a bit easier to get things done. I'm always happy to complete things! Because for the most part I'm moving from one thing to another. Which is kind of irritating. But I realize I work better this way lol I hope this won't bug people in my future career. But seriously if I stay working on something for way to long I get bored. It's like "okay, I'll do more later", when in reality, if I just finish it I won't have to worry about it anymore. I know that last part is true because I've done it before. And finishing something makes me very happy and puts me in a very good mood.

I'm not lying! I honestly just finished a homework assignment and I was so happy I swept the floor lol The reason I was so happy is because when I went to preview my assignment on the website, the window shut down! And I put a lot of effort into that. I felt defeated! What's worse is that I was typing everything on that webpage. I thought to myself "I should have saved it in wordpad first", but that's to tedious for me. But I regretted it. So I wasn't gonna type it all over again. But I decided too. I was so upset. But when I finished it again, I was happy! The wording seems a bit more confident because I knew what I was going to write about.

So I guess not every moment like that is bad. It's like sometimes it could set you up for something even better. I'm sure I'll end up feeling defeated again the next time a similar situation arises lol xD I'll remember what I was thinking now, but at that moment I would just want to quit.

So let me tell all of you, just because my words here seem encouraging, just know that I know how you feel. I don't speak out my neck, these are the words and thoughts I give to myself everyday, to pick myself up and keep going. So that's why I write them here. In hopes that it will help pick someone else up.

So yep! I just went random again. But hey, who cares. It's not like there's some law that states that I have to write a certain way. :P As long as everything is spelled correctly!

Mon

Getting to know who you are through faith, having confidence in you♥

I think confidence is knowing who you are in relations to the rest of the world. I don't think being in a certain place will make a person more confident. Such as being a movie star, or having the best things etc.

For the most part I've seen celebs break down. I'm not sure if I would blame that on being confident, but it does show me they are certainly human. Sometimes it makes me a bit sad for them, because doing the thing they enjoy doing the most will put them in the public eye if they are very good at it.

Anyways, I think confidence comes from having faith in yourself. Being right in yourself.

There are billions of people in the world, they are all quite different, but so similar. Here, I see people wearing styles of clothing that are so common, but I watch them and their actions (such as their body language) helps me to see their individuality.

But I do think it may be tough because of the billions out there. Especially in societies. Since I am leaning more and more about the Japanese culture, I can compare that. There are these people called hikikomori. They are people who shut them off from the rest of society. That's a sad thing to me.

When it gets to the point where someone feels like they could not possibly belong with the rest of the world, it's very sad to me.Everyone belong. And everyone can contribute somehow. It's just finding that place.

But it seems societies shout out in silence for others to follow THIS or THAT way. I understand order, and maybe I should say some places are brainwashed by the media and what's considered normal.

They think abnormal is weird. That eccentric people are off. It's like has anyone every wonder what prize that person who judges receives for judging someone else. Does their words win over yours? Remember that you have your own mind. You are only as weak as you believe. Shyness can be overcome.

For example, I was watching this up close and personal video of this man who decided to stop taking heroin. In my mind, there was this harsh thought that he is dealing with the consequences. But I rooted him on because, yeah, even though it's his choice, and he's responsible,but I believe people deserve the chance for redemption, understanding, and support. They are people too after all. I'm happy he's putting forth the effort to stop. But I knew it was his choice and that he had to deal with the pain he went through because of he pain he put his body through. It's the cause and effect....um...thing (?)

So saying "I can't overcome this." is a weakness of the mind. And the mind living in habit. Habits in my opinion are addictions to the OLD WAYS. It's become a comfort zone. A very comfortable place.

Here's how I believe others can understand this. Think about being in your room. It's your personal space. Regardless of how messy or destroyed it is, you've become so use to it. In your room, you have all your things. You've gone attached. But now imagine you realize I have to get out, but you've haven't been out of your bedroom in years. You decide not to leave. You're afraid of what outside of that door.

This is comfort. It's that state of mind that things should just continue to be the way they are even though it's no the best.

However, I do believe we have all the resources we have if we aren't to greedy. There would be even more if we learned how to grow our resources, take care of our resources, rather than pollute it, overindulge, etc.

So what do I have to say to those people who are dealing with things such as these? Well, for one, you are DEFINITELY DEFINITELY NOT ALONE! Never ever. If you are in a town or city and you look around at the people who seem okay but you're not, I can understand how you feel alone. But take it from me please, I've seen all kinds of videos, read all kinds of blogs, and there are a lot of people with relatable situations.

"But I feel alone....", I think that's normal. You feel different. But understand, that is better than following everyone else. Think about all the revolutionist. They had a different vision, and they contributed to the world. I always think of the Wright Brothers. Everyone thought it was impossible to fly, but now we have planes, and it's the norm. What you call "different" is unique. But to those who start to harm themselves over feeling different, I urge you to please stop. Harming yourself does not but harm you. I think to people who harm themselves are silently searching for a true and sincere ear. Trust me, there are people who will understand you. You are NOT ALONE.

Second, if you want to get better, believe that you can. The mind is very very powerful. But understand, YOU make the choices, not your mind. Your mind is your mind. And you are the driver. Would you really let your mind push you over and take control? Not if you have to legs and a heartbeat....I hope your answer if no. Now I want to tell you something, all those habit people. It is very possible! Here's why I say this. I stopped eating junk food. I knew it was not good for me. It's yummy yes, but I want to stay as healthy as possible. So I started my journey. I started small by eating a small amount, then moved to a better and healthy alternative. But at my college they sold only junk, and it was tempting. But I knew I could do it.

Soon, I didn't care for it. And when I would try it, it didn't feel the same anymore. I did this with soda, and junk food. I did this with the thought I couldn't pass my classes etc.

So I say, yes yes yes!! YOU can do this. Even if I believe in you, You have to believe in you.

My proverb for you would be this: There is no such thing as an unwanted raindrop. Each can water a plant, growing the most beautiful future for the rest of the world to see.

You are all raindrops, and I believe you are very important♥

Mon

Smelling something burning

For the past half and hour I've been smelling something burning. There's nothing on in the house. I'm trying to remember what this smell it. It's a smell I've smelt before, but I can't put my finger on it.

Online Classes Begin!

Hi!

Today the online classes I registered for started. I'm excited to take physics! I'm not sure about biology even though I chose it. But physics always sounded so difficult to me, but this time around I'm excited because the first week explains how to convert different units of measurements. I've been wanting to learn how to do this for a while :/ I don't know why.

I will do my best! I've told myself to prepare big time because I will try to pass all my classes to graduate finally! I actually know I can do it because during my finally year of high school I was able to pass all my classes with an A or a B when in the past I didn't really care. It was just I didn't want to concentrate because of some things I was dealing with. But afterwards I thought to myself "anything is possible is I was able to pass my classes." It just takes focusing your mind in whatever area you are trying to accomplish. It makes sense. For instance, if you want a job, sitting on the couch won't help. You have to apply yourself to finding it. I know that even if I sit and say "I want a job." I still have to go out to sign some applications. I'm also waiting for a phone call. But never give up! This is key.

Mon

11.07.12

It's 2:20 a.m.

I'm surprised I'm still awake because I woke up early today. At like 4 a.m. because I heard my mom walking about. But I did doze off and on until 9 a.m. and I went out with my sisters.

It's quiet right now so I have some time to type out my thoughts. Without trying to put my thoughts down I will just type what I feel without judgement.

Recently I've been thinking about why I haven't been thinking about my future. I would think simple things such as "I need a car" and set a goal to get one (to me this is simple). But I look at others (not that I feel compelled to do what everyone else is doing) and I see people getting married straight out of college or people going off to try to make a lot of money or people striving to make ends meet by helping their family, and when I see this I just think of how small these things seem.

"There certainly as to be more to life than this" is what I would think. I started to think a person works their whole life to make money to support their children or whatever an their children do the same. And this continues. Just thinking this makes me go nuts!

And I think of the business' who seem to be on top now, they may not be on top 25-35 years from now, something else would. And the title The Most Beautiful Person in the World would seem to last until either the person gets very old to the point where people will say "that person was really beautiful" or they find someone else to replace that person.

Hm....I think maybe the experiences between these points are important. Such as that experience of anger and learning to get over it. It's simple, but I can see something coming out of that. Such as a person who is mean and bitter an angry all the time experiences a heart attack, lives but then learns that they were angry at absolutely nothing and they go off to help others deal with their anger.

Hm.....but seriously I've been a bit frustrated on the inside. It's containable, but even though I'm here, sometimes I feel just....just like a lot of the things that I thought were do important just aren't as important. I find the small times where I'm with my family doing nothing means more than watching t.v. with them. I find that drinking a cup of coffee watching the autumn leaves would make me feel more serene and happy than watching a wedding.

And lately I just don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone but myself. I don't plan the future. And I tell myself to stop expecting things. It's becoming easier. Today I did want to go home immediately because it was windy and I wanted to get under my heat blanket. But I pushed that aside and had fun hanging out with my sisters. I knew that the day would eventually end and those moments would only become the next hour's memory.

I also find that I let go of things that happened yesterday. Hm.....It's like I know that yesterday does not control my today or my present moment.

These things sound blissful, but I just feel.....I feel blank. But I feel emotions. :/ It's difficult to explain. Anyways I don't feel the need to talk about what I did the day before or whatever. And maybe it's because I blogged all my issues here, but I don't have much to complain about lol

Maybe that's why I feel like life is like a circle. It's like inhaling an then exhaling, only to follow that routine in a circle. Maybe not everything that happens has to have some kind of meaning. Maybe it just is because it's suppose to BE. And that's it. Just let it BE.

Kind of like with the creator of earth. We make it so much more than it is, when it just IS. It's the same with human existence. It just IS. I think when a person experience something, like when you can sit on a bench and just sit without thinking or wondering about the moment, their a certain life to it I believe. It's like out of all places, you could feel your place. And your place is occupying that space, and no one else can occupy that same place at the same time as you.

Oh! And I also realized my face seems a bit different. It's still my face, but I did see some of my old photos. I guess the face reflects experience. My face before is just so hard for me to look at. Like I have a picture of me when I was 6. I'm smiling and staring off and I have a twinkle in my eye. Then I move forward, not long after my hair is really short. One day it just fell out <---what my mom said. And from then on my face just seemed so....out of it. I think my face now may be softer. Even during that transition when I was in school people would start talking to be about their issues and I would think "is it my energy that that feel?" I don't know a lot about energy and I don't want to overthink the whole soul thing and live honestly without wording what I read, it but I think people just KNOW.

For example I read an <---(see, read? lol whatever) article about a guy named Mike who was washed about by the tides of Hurricane Sandy. After swimming in the cold water for 4 hours he reached a house and sought refugee inside. He's alive. But he had hypothermia and had used a lot of blankets that he said had just been sitting around (which is just great!). He said he was then taken in by a man who sat him next to a fireplace and made him hot chocolate. He said that he wasn't sure how he KNEW but he felt like he would be okay seeking refugee there. They have yet to be able to gain a statement from the lady's house he stayed in. He also stated that he didn't steal anything.

Maybe it's our guides, but I do believe there's a lot more to life than we actually truly understand. And I think  if we were more aware of it we wouldn't have so many issues. Each person has a purpose. But I think for the most part is fulfilling the purpose of being yourself %100. I think when a person understand themselves in comparison to earth and everyone else, they understand life.
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Actually even though I think "my blogs sound bitter" I'm not sad or anything. I'm just simply writing out my thoughts.

Oh. And I haven't been wonder why I type what I do. I gave up on wondering that.

My advice for today would be to have faith in yourself but don't try to force others to follow by your faith. Even though we all walk the same road, you could never truly know if they have some kind of mobility of sights they have to view before they can make it to the same place as you. Some people just aren't ready. As much as I want them to catch up, I must say it's the same as teaching a child math. You may understand a certain kind of math, but not everyone else does. And also someone may know how to solve some math problems that you can't solve.

I also have this thought that even people who criticize others for their actions in life and using their religion as a means to tell another they are wrong, that person is just caring. Sending messages that the subconscious could take in and make real isn't the best way to help someone. Such as calling a child who doesn't know any better is not best way to go about an action. It's painful to watch, yes, but having faith in them, I think, may help.

Anyways, that's my advice. I think faith is very much needed. It is a confidence in life.

Well, that's all for tonight. It's now 2:56 a.m. and I'm kind of sleepy. But I will go through the other tabs I have opened and head in. Goodnight~

Mon

Needing someone else to push you up + What you like YOU like

Okay, so I'm watching a video about stereotypes. It's an old episode of Tyra. Anyways, she's mainly talking about black men. But that's not what caught my attention, what caught my attention was someone who said that she didn't want her cousin falling into the statistic of being another black male who plays basketball, or wants to rap or whatever. She then uses the same statement that I'm getting tried of hearing "Our President is black, we as black people should be wanting to do something with ourselves." This statement irks me so bad.

It makes me question "well, what were you doing before he became President?"

It's like do you seriously need someone who is black to be in a position that you consider to be higher in order to actually make something of yourself. I understand people become inspired by others, but based on skin color...that really irritates me.

On one episode Tyra talks about how she hopes to see black men pull up their pants because Obama said so. I'm sure others have told them, what makes you think because Obama said so they will listen?

All I have to say is I'm sure some people think "if I do something, I will do it for me." One man even made the statement that he dresses for himself and no one else because it's what he likes. I don't like the sagging style, but I accept what he said because if I liked something I wouldn't want someone trying to put me down.  

Also he's not hurting anyone so I could care less on how far down his pants are. :/

Speaking of sagging, there will always be some kind of fashion we will and will not like. Some people like certain things and other don't.....just thinking this makes me cringe a little. I understand that it's difficult to accept when you take it personally. But just ask yourself "is it killing me?" because if it's not you're okay. Just ignore them. You wouldn't argue with a little kid who thinks rainboots are cool would you? So why would you someone who thinks loads of piercings are cool??? 

This is only part 1. I have to step out for a while. 

What I've learned

Something are difficult to accept right? 

Such as some human behavior, or natural disasters etc. I've come to learn that we cannot control everything in our lives....we can only control ourselves in relation to the situation. Which means our thoughts or actions. But we can't actually control someone else. We can manipulate them, but in turn that is an action that we are in control of. 

Hm...I wonder if some people know this isn't the healthiest behavior.

I've read a few times that these actions actually harm our souls. I've also read about this shower we take on the other side that cleanse the energy away. I've also read that although there is a tunnel we enter and it's like we are gravitated towards it, not everyone goes into it by choice. I've read a few accounts of souls who would stay behind just a bit longer because they wanted to make sure their loved ones will be okay before they go on completely. Then they will go through the tunnel. 

I feel this may be true. 

Well, this is all for now.

Mon

Happy November!

I'm refreshed! I'm always excited to begin a new month. It's like a New Year to me.

Well all of last month doesn't matter anymore. I look forward to completing one of the projects I've been working on. I kind of neglected it last month. So I hope I can finish it this month. I also begin my online classes this month as well. On the 8th of this month. I thought it was the first, but it's the payment that is due today. My mom said she'll pay it, so I'm happy.

So it begins! I told myself I will push to pass my classes so I can graduate immediately. Overall I want to do my best. I told my friends I will, it's not something I should do just because of them, but I feel obligated because I said I would. But overall I do it for myself. I have to do use sheer willpower to put my mind forward to produce the work from my mind. I will focus and concentrate to my fullest. The work I produce from my animation class will be presented at some kind of film festival where students present their work *__* I will make sure mines will be outstanding! So I will do my best for this purpose. ^^

Oh! And also I've been working on my physical body as well. I feel great! But the DOING part take some time. It's all about taking that first step. After the first step it's a bit easier. I workout 3 days out of the week (sometimes 4), I do it because I would like my blue jeans to fit  better lol plus I was feeling sluggish and I thought it I should either exercise or go walking. I chose exercise, but sometimes I walk to the library.

But I feel great. Besides those things up there I don't why else I exercise hahaha My blue jeans fit fine now...I mean they were okay the first time, but my thighs....*shakes head* It was the thighs. It's always tight at the thighs, but everywhere else was okay.

Hm......I think that's  all that I've done last month. This month may be work month. Hm.....I still haven't gotten my license yet. But I will not despair. I hope I will still be able to get it before it starts to snow. Which means before the end of this month. Or I can just go to the driving place on a bike and say "okay, let's get this over with." With this kind of thing I actually have to depend on someone with a car. My mom's car isn't usable there's some issue with it, and my sister said she may take me and my younger sister. *__* I will be so happy. Then that would be one goal out of the way and I can focus on the job aspect to finally get my own car! Then save up money to pay off as much as my loan as possible while also saving for my own apartment. I've already determined that it would be okay for me to start off in an apartment. I don't need a house right off the bat. I don't need all that space.

So these are my goals. Hm....as far as my job. Well, I am going to school for animation. But I haven't thought of a place I would like to work at after I graduate. It never even crossed my mind when I decided to do animation as a major. I just thought "I want my characters to move! So I'll go for animation." hahaha It seems like a hopeless reason, but it's true. Animation is a lot of work....but even with the manga I'm working on, I'm always really happy to see the results. Sometimes my work is crappy (My drawings) because I get bored and stop putting a lot of effort into it. But some pages look fine or a panel would look very nice and I'd say "I really like it."

For example, here is the contest drawing:

http://kumikoangeloflight.deviantart.com/art/The-Color-blue-334846511

I was happy with it. When I got up towards the skirt I lost interest and it started to look kind of crappy because I slapped the green in there. hahaha

On mu assignments my teachers would write that I need concentration an focus. I won't say I CAN'T do it, but it's very difficult for me. I get antsy and it's like in my nature to move from one thing to another. I've always been this way since a child. HOP Hop HOP! Even when I speak lol but I won't say it can't be fixed.

Usually when I'm focused I'm happy. Because there would be some great work I can make. But when I sit for way to long (because I once took a drawing class that was 3 hours long and we would have to sit for about an hour drawing) I get antsy. But if I move around to get rid of some of the energy I can start working again. I guess that's called having excess energy and that's also why I work out.

For example,stippling. This creating a picture using all dots. We had to do these tiny scale images. I started off with the cat and it looks awesome. It was the one I put a lot of focus on since I had just started. Then the horse was second, and the last two just look like I didn't care hahaha stippling is a very long and tiring process. It gets boring after a while. And honestly this way I behave can also be attributed to people. >__> I know it sounds bad. But I just get bored easily. That's why I like to do things alone so I can flip flop. So I can say "well, I'm bored here! Let's move on to the next!" whereas other people might try to stop me and say "can't we stay a bit longer? I'm still having fun."

Don't get me wrong, I still talk to people I knew years ago, but after a while if they talk about the same thing again and again I feel like a fish swimming in a circle.

Well anyways, affirmations, determinations, motivation, discipline, and willpower activated!! ^__^ We have to learn to be our own trainer to push ourselves.....or rather I believe this. ^___^

Everyone have a great November! And good luck! ^^

Mon