Hi!
In 3 hours it will officially be the New year. Yay~
I've already planned what my main goal will be this year. Last year was about accepting my thoughts and being who I am. Learning to speak as myself and not speaking the way people want me to. Also to not talk so much but to listen. Honestly, I still need to work on this. But I think that I've gotten a bit better at it.
This year I will continue with this. I definitely don't want to be a person who can't go forward unless someone tells me where to go. Learning to use my inner resources to live. I mean, that's what it there for right? Of course it's easy to ask someone what we should do in life. However if we make a mistake based on what we feel we should do in life, then we can only blame ourselves and not someone else.
Well, this year I would really like to meet some new people and hang out. I feel like I don't hang out with anyone but my family. I would like to hang out with people and be who I am. Where I can behave as myself, take photos and laugh. This is what I'm looking forward to this year. Last year it was always work and stress, study and work.
I do intend to work, but I would also like to hang out and have some fun. I thought about my high school years and I didn't hang out with people outside of school. When I think about it, I realize that my life up until now is a bit boring.
Well, I will also work to pass all my classes no matter what. I am a bit worried, however, because I still don't have a means of transportation to get to and from school. In the end it still turned out this way when I decided to attend my original college. But I will keep trying.
Anyways, I can't really focus in the room where I am.
I look forward to this year. To be honest, I'm actually a bit optimistic right now!
Mon
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
My Christmas~
Hi!
So I've been away almost all of this week. I stayed at my sister's house since Monday and just got home yesterday evening. My older sister said it's hard for her to sleep at home alone, so I decided to go over her house every day she doesn't have work.
Anyways, because it was the week of Christmas, it was already planned we would celebrate it at her house. So we did!
The actual day of Christmas just didn't have that Christmas feel. That happy happy joy-ish feel.
We didn't open gifts until about 1 p.m., which really sucked. I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. because my older sister had just woken up, and I had to wake for my cake to finish cooling off, so I stayed up with her until that time. Then I went to bed but was woken up by my mom talking very very loud on the phone and arguing with her friend over the phone over why her food IS season well. I ended up awaking up, nobody wanted to open gift. Someone would want to do something, then say "okay", but then someone else would start doing something. So I decided to start with the first gift giving and gave it to my younger sister, but my mom and older sister were in the kitchen and said they weren't ready. So I just decided just go study and wait. Of course I was upset.
They ended up coming upstairs some time later and told me that they were all ready. Anyways, we finally opened gifts. My older sister went all out. I know the gift she brought were not cheap! That did no justice to the fact that I couldn't spend money the way I wanted to. My mom had gave me $150 dollar for shopping. Last Christmas, when I had my own money, I spent more than that. Not to buy expensive gifts, but to give gifts that my family wanted. But I had to downgrade this time. I could only buy each person 2 gifts. So that means I only brought 6 gifts.
I challenged my sister next Christmas. I told her I would be the victorious spender lol I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but I really do like giving. I realized I had a difficult time wanting to receive the gifts I got this Christmas because of the situation I was in financially. But I didn't say anything about it. I just smiled an accepted the gifts. I told myself that people buy things out of the kindness of their heart. And when you decline them, you decline their generosity. I came to realize it's like turning the person down. Which saying "no thank you" or "you didn't have to do this" basically does. However, I do understand it's being modest.
But I realized that some people can see past this modesty! For example, my grandma, when me and my sisters went to visit, gave us money. My sister started to feel very bad. But I thought that our grandma wanted us to have this. She was just doing this has a loving gesture. And although I don't think money can buy love, I found that it was a symbol kind of. Just like with my mom. I've began to kind of understand seeing past the pain and realizing the possible intention. I can't say I'm always right, but if I'm following my intuition with trust, then maybe my feelings aren't wrong.
Anyways, they decided to return their money. I didn't say anything but I watched. And as expected, my grandma got upset at the fact that they wanted to return it.
Hm....I'll start to wonder when it came to the point where we would start to modestly accept something. Because being modest is mainly declining something you want, but don't want to seem to greedy if you say "yes." Where does this guilt come from? When did someone tell us "don't be greedy and just say yes"?
Well, I don't think being modesty is good or bad. It's just a simple trait. Hm...but I think it could cause a few problems, but also create a few good moments. I won't mention those, however, I guess the opposite of modesty is confidence. That's not to say a modest person isn't confidence, but maybe they will downplay their good points to make the other party feel comfortable.
Well, enough of that. Lately I've found that I don't have so much I would like to type. That's not to say I don't get thoughts. It's just that they're less abrupt. And I've also found another reason to blog more often. Well, first I would like to read more to build my vocabulary. And second I would like to blog using those new words to learn to speak more confidently. When I type or speak, it's the same. If my words when I type come out as "hm..." that means I'm taking the time to pause. Typing has made me a bit more aware of myself. It helps me to understand me in comparison to someone else. And it helps me to put into place my thoughts. I can often organize them too and allow some space in my mind for more thoughts.
One last thing, I had a very interesting dream last night! It was during a seminar. and I remember sitting near the back row. And in front of me are these girls who are making jokes about this other girl. Usually in my dreams I don't say anything in these situations. However, this time I stood up and said something. But I felt very strange.I felt like i wanted to faint. I don't remember the speech, but i remember telling them that judging another does nothing but satisfy their ego. And some other stuff. I remember everyone got quiet and was staring at me. These people led me to a podium and I spoke into the microphone. In the end, no one said anything. But after I left the room people came to me and said that they were really moved and that they agreed.
I just said "you're welcome"
This dream made me a little happier. I'm often one who wouldn't want people to agree with me all the time, but to have them have their own thoughts about a situation. However, we would end of debating. And I think I actually enjoy this a little and I mistake it as me being mean *shrugs* in the end, a person will have their thoughts and feelings, not based on me, but on what they believe. What I say is what I say. It's an energy, and a person's impression of that energy is their impression based on who they are. I can't change that. But I can only explain it if I feel they've changed the meaning too much. But at the end of the day, maybe some people are happy with what they gained from a situation. or maybe someone will get a bad impression. I can't, or rather, I've come to realize it would be a waste of energy to try to explain to the dozens of people who gain their own impression of my words. And I wonder if the people who came before us feel this way. The ones who made a huge impression. We are taught their words by a person who thinks they know their words, but are just basing their words on what they think they mean.
In the end, it doesn't matter does it. Some people will believe and others won't.
Is this what it means to be tactful?
Well, I'm heading to the store now. Bye for now.
Mon
So I've been away almost all of this week. I stayed at my sister's house since Monday and just got home yesterday evening. My older sister said it's hard for her to sleep at home alone, so I decided to go over her house every day she doesn't have work.
Anyways, because it was the week of Christmas, it was already planned we would celebrate it at her house. So we did!
The actual day of Christmas just didn't have that Christmas feel. That happy happy joy-ish feel.
We didn't open gifts until about 1 p.m., which really sucked. I didn't go to bed until 3 a.m. because my older sister had just woken up, and I had to wake for my cake to finish cooling off, so I stayed up with her until that time. Then I went to bed but was woken up by my mom talking very very loud on the phone and arguing with her friend over the phone over why her food IS season well. I ended up awaking up, nobody wanted to open gift. Someone would want to do something, then say "okay", but then someone else would start doing something. So I decided to start with the first gift giving and gave it to my younger sister, but my mom and older sister were in the kitchen and said they weren't ready. So I just decided just go study and wait. Of course I was upset.
They ended up coming upstairs some time later and told me that they were all ready. Anyways, we finally opened gifts. My older sister went all out. I know the gift she brought were not cheap! That did no justice to the fact that I couldn't spend money the way I wanted to. My mom had gave me $150 dollar for shopping. Last Christmas, when I had my own money, I spent more than that. Not to buy expensive gifts, but to give gifts that my family wanted. But I had to downgrade this time. I could only buy each person 2 gifts. So that means I only brought 6 gifts.
I challenged my sister next Christmas. I told her I would be the victorious spender lol I know Christmas isn't about the gifts, but I really do like giving. I realized I had a difficult time wanting to receive the gifts I got this Christmas because of the situation I was in financially. But I didn't say anything about it. I just smiled an accepted the gifts. I told myself that people buy things out of the kindness of their heart. And when you decline them, you decline their generosity. I came to realize it's like turning the person down. Which saying "no thank you" or "you didn't have to do this" basically does. However, I do understand it's being modest.
But I realized that some people can see past this modesty! For example, my grandma, when me and my sisters went to visit, gave us money. My sister started to feel very bad. But I thought that our grandma wanted us to have this. She was just doing this has a loving gesture. And although I don't think money can buy love, I found that it was a symbol kind of. Just like with my mom. I've began to kind of understand seeing past the pain and realizing the possible intention. I can't say I'm always right, but if I'm following my intuition with trust, then maybe my feelings aren't wrong.
Anyways, they decided to return their money. I didn't say anything but I watched. And as expected, my grandma got upset at the fact that they wanted to return it.
Hm....I'll start to wonder when it came to the point where we would start to modestly accept something. Because being modest is mainly declining something you want, but don't want to seem to greedy if you say "yes." Where does this guilt come from? When did someone tell us "don't be greedy and just say yes"?
Well, I don't think being modesty is good or bad. It's just a simple trait. Hm...but I think it could cause a few problems, but also create a few good moments. I won't mention those, however, I guess the opposite of modesty is confidence. That's not to say a modest person isn't confidence, but maybe they will downplay their good points to make the other party feel comfortable.
Well, enough of that. Lately I've found that I don't have so much I would like to type. That's not to say I don't get thoughts. It's just that they're less abrupt. And I've also found another reason to blog more often. Well, first I would like to read more to build my vocabulary. And second I would like to blog using those new words to learn to speak more confidently. When I type or speak, it's the same. If my words when I type come out as "hm..." that means I'm taking the time to pause. Typing has made me a bit more aware of myself. It helps me to understand me in comparison to someone else. And it helps me to put into place my thoughts. I can often organize them too and allow some space in my mind for more thoughts.
One last thing, I had a very interesting dream last night! It was during a seminar. and I remember sitting near the back row. And in front of me are these girls who are making jokes about this other girl. Usually in my dreams I don't say anything in these situations. However, this time I stood up and said something. But I felt very strange.I felt like i wanted to faint. I don't remember the speech, but i remember telling them that judging another does nothing but satisfy their ego. And some other stuff. I remember everyone got quiet and was staring at me. These people led me to a podium and I spoke into the microphone. In the end, no one said anything. But after I left the room people came to me and said that they were really moved and that they agreed.
I just said "you're welcome"
This dream made me a little happier. I'm often one who wouldn't want people to agree with me all the time, but to have them have their own thoughts about a situation. However, we would end of debating. And I think I actually enjoy this a little and I mistake it as me being mean *shrugs* in the end, a person will have their thoughts and feelings, not based on me, but on what they believe. What I say is what I say. It's an energy, and a person's impression of that energy is their impression based on who they are. I can't change that. But I can only explain it if I feel they've changed the meaning too much. But at the end of the day, maybe some people are happy with what they gained from a situation. or maybe someone will get a bad impression. I can't, or rather, I've come to realize it would be a waste of energy to try to explain to the dozens of people who gain their own impression of my words. And I wonder if the people who came before us feel this way. The ones who made a huge impression. We are taught their words by a person who thinks they know their words, but are just basing their words on what they think they mean.
In the end, it doesn't matter does it. Some people will believe and others won't.
Is this what it means to be tactful?
Well, I'm heading to the store now. Bye for now.
Mon
Friday, December 21, 2012
12.21.12
Hi!
Yesterday I spent almost all day at the hair salon. I got there at 9 a.m. but didn't leave until about 4 p.m.
It was because the beautician thought my sister scheduled our hair appointment for Friday and not Thursday. So she didn't get to the salon until 10 a.m. And then it took forever after that. But in the end, I wonder if she believed me when I said "it's okay" because honestly it was.
I've come to realize that something become misinterpreted when communicating. Such as the meaning is taken the wrong, the wrong tone is used, or we hear something different than what is meant to be heard. This happens. I think it's best to just accept that sometimes we just don't hear things correctly. Either we are busy doing something or don't feel like listening.
Although stating those two facts may annoy me if someone had done it to me at this moment (because I would wonder if what I'm saying is unimportant) it's very true.
I know that sometimes certain people just become a bit insignificant to us once we've gained what we could. This would seem cold, but it happens. I'm learning that when I come to accept what is of someone, it rules out my expectations of them. I always believe people can do better. But my expectations of them being better may not be what they see in themselves.
I learned this because someone did it to me today. I will admit that often I may try to push something I learned on someone. Once I'm convinced that it may be true, I start the drilling lol So of course I say to myself "why the heck am I doing this?", and often times, it the person who doesn't even need that information. It's like a radar is on my head that points to some poor innocent by-standard minding their own business.
I guess I become so overwhelmed by the information I gained that I want to share it. However, that's not an excuse to lack in tact. Allow people to be who they are (but don't be dumb and let them get away with whatever they want).
Anyways, I'm gonna stop trying to make an excuse for my actions I view as "wrong." I won't say "but they needed help, so I gave it to them" because who told me that person needed help? Certainly not them. So why enforce something on someone else? Besides, I'm still working on my inner turmoil, I can't keep jumping into everyone else's inner war zone without at least bringing about peace in myself.
Anyways, the beautician, once again, was set out to tell me why I should read the Bible AGAIN. I told my mom that all the pressure to read the Bible by people I've known in the past, makes me not want to read it. I don't want to read it! It's not for me. I even told her I cried reading the Bible, and when I told her the reason why, she went on to explain how I was interpreting the Bible incorrectly and I had the wrong impression. :/
I ended up telling her how I viewed this Divine energy is based on what helps me. I view It differently then some of the people I know. To me, it would seem more metaphysical. I just find it easier this way.
But while she kept talking, I thought about myself and how I am. And I thought to myself 'poor people who had to deal with me" (mainly my younger sister lol)
But I agreed to continue to practice being tactful. Even if it's just a little bit. Learning to shut my mouth, even if someone says something I disagree with, could help me tremendously. It's like that saying where it goes something like "opening your mouth and removing all doubt..." or something like that.
Anyways, I just let her talk. I was listening to what she was saying, and some points did match up with what I believe in. So I thought that even though I chose not to "fear" what people call God, some traits are similar. Such as, yes, I believe he is all knowing, all loving. But I don't think he will banish people to hell for wrong doings. If that's the case we would all be in hell because I'm sure we've all done something wrong. Maybe a time out would be more appropriate than tossing someone in hell for all eternity. That's not all loving, that's just cruel!
I also found that I find it easier to be me if I can make simple statements like this. I simply think "well, if I think something and I say it, He will know. And if I think something and don't say it, He will still know" lol So in the end I just chose to say it. He already knows what I'm thinking lol Besides, I'm sure He has a sense of humor. A doubt of place of bliss will only cause a person to be angry at every little mistake we make.
It's kind of like if we fail a class multiple times, yeah,we'll get the talk, but at the end of the day He will still love us.
Also, I'm sure this may sound harsh,but I need to get it off my chest. I love Him and everything, but it really bugs me when people use Him and every little sentence. It's like, "okay I get it! He exist, can we please talk about you please!"
I even explained to the beautician how I've had people say I will go to hell. It's a shame. Who are you to make a statement like that. I once told a friend of mines that I don't believe there is a hell. She said, if you don't believe in hell then you don't believe in God. And I thought "ohhhhhh okaaayyy, why is that??"
That's like saying if I don't believe in Santa Claus, I can't celebrate Christmas. Or because I don't like to eat eggs, I can participate in an egg hunt.
*sighs* Well, I would never disown a friend over something so dumb like this. Of course I still like my beautician and my friends regardless of what they think. I just find it easier if we don't talk about it. Because it's a touchy subject for us all.
In my opinion, I'm sure He knows on earth we'll all have different ideas of who He is, or what kind of being He is. But maybe deep inside we all view Him in a different special way. Because each person is different, it would make sense that their view would be different too. But the one thing that we could agree on is that something created earth. Be it the Big Boom, evolving from apes, being created by aliens, everything started from somewhere. That we can agree I believe.
And I'm sure, that's enough for Him. Because we may acknowledge His existences in some way, shape or form.
Also, I find it like how a parent is special to a child in a certain way. Hm...I wonder if there is One kind of love there. Maybe their are many levels like here. *shrugs*
Well, I'm gonna get to bed. Tomorrow I hope I can work on my comic. I will be updating this weekend.
G'night
Mon
Yesterday I spent almost all day at the hair salon. I got there at 9 a.m. but didn't leave until about 4 p.m.
It was because the beautician thought my sister scheduled our hair appointment for Friday and not Thursday. So she didn't get to the salon until 10 a.m. And then it took forever after that. But in the end, I wonder if she believed me when I said "it's okay" because honestly it was.
I've come to realize that something become misinterpreted when communicating. Such as the meaning is taken the wrong, the wrong tone is used, or we hear something different than what is meant to be heard. This happens. I think it's best to just accept that sometimes we just don't hear things correctly. Either we are busy doing something or don't feel like listening.
Although stating those two facts may annoy me if someone had done it to me at this moment (because I would wonder if what I'm saying is unimportant) it's very true.
I know that sometimes certain people just become a bit insignificant to us once we've gained what we could. This would seem cold, but it happens. I'm learning that when I come to accept what is of someone, it rules out my expectations of them. I always believe people can do better. But my expectations of them being better may not be what they see in themselves.
I learned this because someone did it to me today. I will admit that often I may try to push something I learned on someone. Once I'm convinced that it may be true, I start the drilling lol So of course I say to myself "why the heck am I doing this?", and often times, it the person who doesn't even need that information. It's like a radar is on my head that points to some poor innocent by-standard minding their own business.
I guess I become so overwhelmed by the information I gained that I want to share it. However, that's not an excuse to lack in tact. Allow people to be who they are (but don't be dumb and let them get away with whatever they want).
Anyways, I'm gonna stop trying to make an excuse for my actions I view as "wrong." I won't say "but they needed help, so I gave it to them" because who told me that person needed help? Certainly not them. So why enforce something on someone else? Besides, I'm still working on my inner turmoil, I can't keep jumping into everyone else's inner war zone without at least bringing about peace in myself.
Anyways, the beautician, once again, was set out to tell me why I should read the Bible AGAIN. I told my mom that all the pressure to read the Bible by people I've known in the past, makes me not want to read it. I don't want to read it! It's not for me. I even told her I cried reading the Bible, and when I told her the reason why, she went on to explain how I was interpreting the Bible incorrectly and I had the wrong impression. :/
I ended up telling her how I viewed this Divine energy is based on what helps me. I view It differently then some of the people I know. To me, it would seem more metaphysical. I just find it easier this way.
But while she kept talking, I thought about myself and how I am. And I thought to myself 'poor people who had to deal with me" (mainly my younger sister lol)
But I agreed to continue to practice being tactful. Even if it's just a little bit. Learning to shut my mouth, even if someone says something I disagree with, could help me tremendously. It's like that saying where it goes something like "opening your mouth and removing all doubt..." or something like that.
Anyways, I just let her talk. I was listening to what she was saying, and some points did match up with what I believe in. So I thought that even though I chose not to "fear" what people call God, some traits are similar. Such as, yes, I believe he is all knowing, all loving. But I don't think he will banish people to hell for wrong doings. If that's the case we would all be in hell because I'm sure we've all done something wrong. Maybe a time out would be more appropriate than tossing someone in hell for all eternity. That's not all loving, that's just cruel!
I also found that I find it easier to be me if I can make simple statements like this. I simply think "well, if I think something and I say it, He will know. And if I think something and don't say it, He will still know" lol So in the end I just chose to say it. He already knows what I'm thinking lol Besides, I'm sure He has a sense of humor. A doubt of place of bliss will only cause a person to be angry at every little mistake we make.
It's kind of like if we fail a class multiple times, yeah,we'll get the talk, but at the end of the day He will still love us.
Also, I'm sure this may sound harsh,but I need to get it off my chest. I love Him and everything, but it really bugs me when people use Him and every little sentence. It's like, "okay I get it! He exist, can we please talk about you please!"
I even explained to the beautician how I've had people say I will go to hell. It's a shame. Who are you to make a statement like that. I once told a friend of mines that I don't believe there is a hell. She said, if you don't believe in hell then you don't believe in God. And I thought "ohhhhhh okaaayyy, why is that??"
That's like saying if I don't believe in Santa Claus, I can't celebrate Christmas. Or because I don't like to eat eggs, I can participate in an egg hunt.
*sighs* Well, I would never disown a friend over something so dumb like this. Of course I still like my beautician and my friends regardless of what they think. I just find it easier if we don't talk about it. Because it's a touchy subject for us all.
In my opinion, I'm sure He knows on earth we'll all have different ideas of who He is, or what kind of being He is. But maybe deep inside we all view Him in a different special way. Because each person is different, it would make sense that their view would be different too. But the one thing that we could agree on is that something created earth. Be it the Big Boom, evolving from apes, being created by aliens, everything started from somewhere. That we can agree I believe.
And I'm sure, that's enough for Him. Because we may acknowledge His existences in some way, shape or form.
Also, I find it like how a parent is special to a child in a certain way. Hm...I wonder if there is One kind of love there. Maybe their are many levels like here. *shrugs*
Well, I'm gonna get to bed. Tomorrow I hope I can work on my comic. I will be updating this weekend.
G'night
Mon
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Awake!
Morning!
Yes, I'm up early. I'm going to get my hair done today~
I actually didn't want to once I thought about it. But my hair needs a good professional wash.
Since my plan is to save money, I go by extremes. The only thing which seems the most important to me when it comes to saving money is 1. food and 2. washing my clothes lol Besides that I don't feel the need to spend money on clothes to stay fashionable. I'm not all to crazy about buying dozens of outfits.
But I am awake. I will go Christmas shopping today...maybe. My mom said she's give me money to go shopping. In the end it just turned out like when I was younger.
I remember I was talking to my younger sister, I told how when we're younger we usually just take and are so happy! When did we start to consider the other person's feelings? I tried to think back, but I honestly don't know where it started,
Anyways, I'm a little excited! I'm still not quite sure what to get. I also came across an article this morning that said that there will be a snowstorm. I would tell the snowstorm to wait until we've done all our Christmas shopping so everyone can stay home and be safe, but I'm sure the weather will be the weather and blow through anyways. So everyone please don't drive recklessly. Drive safe and drive slow on the roads. Black ice is pretty tricky, so no speed-demons please. You'll make it to your destination eventually.
And if you feel you'll be late, try leaving early. I know at times, this is easier said then done, that's why I said try.
Anyways, I'm wishing everyone a safe holiday. And "Hello!" to other people around the world.
Mon
Yes, I'm up early. I'm going to get my hair done today~
I actually didn't want to once I thought about it. But my hair needs a good professional wash.
Since my plan is to save money, I go by extremes. The only thing which seems the most important to me when it comes to saving money is 1. food and 2. washing my clothes lol Besides that I don't feel the need to spend money on clothes to stay fashionable. I'm not all to crazy about buying dozens of outfits.
But I am awake. I will go Christmas shopping today...maybe. My mom said she's give me money to go shopping. In the end it just turned out like when I was younger.
I remember I was talking to my younger sister, I told how when we're younger we usually just take and are so happy! When did we start to consider the other person's feelings? I tried to think back, but I honestly don't know where it started,
Anyways, I'm a little excited! I'm still not quite sure what to get. I also came across an article this morning that said that there will be a snowstorm. I would tell the snowstorm to wait until we've done all our Christmas shopping so everyone can stay home and be safe, but I'm sure the weather will be the weather and blow through anyways. So everyone please don't drive recklessly. Drive safe and drive slow on the roads. Black ice is pretty tricky, so no speed-demons please. You'll make it to your destination eventually.
And if you feel you'll be late, try leaving early. I know at times, this is easier said then done, that's why I said try.
Anyways, I'm wishing everyone a safe holiday. And "Hello!" to other people around the world.
Mon
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I had a dream
I had a dream that I was giving a presentation for class (which was going horrible by the way). Suddenly I was out in the hallway and I saw this boy holding a gun to another guys head. They were arguing over something. The police was able to stop them, but I remember making it to the first floor. I think I was all the way on the fourth floor. Anyways, it suddenly started to ran very hard.
I work up and I realized how much that shooting event on Friday affected me. I felt very sad. But as with any death, it still seems unbelievable. I started to wonder how those children and teachers must have felt maybe even witnessing the events up close. Of course I still feel the same way I do about it before, but I do realize that it has affected me more than I thought.
My second dream was about escaping this place. I forgot what happened. But I was staying in this place with a lot of girls. I think it was some kind of boarding home for women or something because we would all put our clothes together to get them taken away to be washed. The issue is that some of the girls, when the clothes that have been clean are brought back, would take the other girl's clothes. I got into one fight with a girl. I ended up pushing her over this railing. Somehow she was okay (dream world) lol It's because I had placed my purse in this sink, and I had went into another room to get something. And when I came back she went over to the sink and turned the water on while my purse was in the sink. I just went over to grab it and she grabbed it to pull it into the sink. I told her that I was just gone and was going to come back. I just wanted my purse. So I pushed her away from the sink, and she flipped over the railing lol So is that really a fight?
Anyways, she was mad at me. Later I remember running out of the building and there were all these helicopters tilting and slowly spinning towards the courtyard and falling to the ground. It wasn't just 3 or 4 but maybe about 15 or so. So I started running down the street away from the area they were falling at. All the people from inside the building was safe and started to head home. I remember needing a ride. So I caught a ride with this girl I knew. And we started to search for my bus stop. Then I woke up.
I also had a dream before where I was taking care of some young girl. It was a time where people's clothes looked like rags, and there was this giant thing that looked like a train. It was kind of smokey like. And it looked like some of the people around were sitting and waiting. They didn't look happy. This dream is kind of old, so I don't really remember it in full detail. But I do remember helping this young girl and seeing that giant metal train.
Mon
I work up and I realized how much that shooting event on Friday affected me. I felt very sad. But as with any death, it still seems unbelievable. I started to wonder how those children and teachers must have felt maybe even witnessing the events up close. Of course I still feel the same way I do about it before, but I do realize that it has affected me more than I thought.
My second dream was about escaping this place. I forgot what happened. But I was staying in this place with a lot of girls. I think it was some kind of boarding home for women or something because we would all put our clothes together to get them taken away to be washed. The issue is that some of the girls, when the clothes that have been clean are brought back, would take the other girl's clothes. I got into one fight with a girl. I ended up pushing her over this railing. Somehow she was okay (dream world) lol It's because I had placed my purse in this sink, and I had went into another room to get something. And when I came back she went over to the sink and turned the water on while my purse was in the sink. I just went over to grab it and she grabbed it to pull it into the sink. I told her that I was just gone and was going to come back. I just wanted my purse. So I pushed her away from the sink, and she flipped over the railing lol So is that really a fight?
Anyways, she was mad at me. Later I remember running out of the building and there were all these helicopters tilting and slowly spinning towards the courtyard and falling to the ground. It wasn't just 3 or 4 but maybe about 15 or so. So I started running down the street away from the area they were falling at. All the people from inside the building was safe and started to head home. I remember needing a ride. So I caught a ride with this girl I knew. And we started to search for my bus stop. Then I woke up.
I also had a dream before where I was taking care of some young girl. It was a time where people's clothes looked like rags, and there was this giant thing that looked like a train. It was kind of smokey like. And it looked like some of the people around were sitting and waiting. They didn't look happy. This dream is kind of old, so I don't really remember it in full detail. But I do remember helping this young girl and seeing that giant metal train.
Mon
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
A sudden thought
I just got this sudden though from reading this article, I will post it once I state my thought.
My thought was: what happens when something intense goes on inside of us? It comes out right? Kind of like an explosion.
I thought about the disasters that have been happening. Most of the most difficult ones seem to be by humans. Natural disasters are like the explosion from the Earth from holding to much inside. So much intensity from the surface.
Hm...there's this thing called grounding. I'm not sure if it's different for everyone, but it's when you send the old energy down into the planet's core. Could that energy be building up? Also with all the energy being tossed around here, would that be building up?
One thing I've come to realize is that during the most intense time, it's like a test of faith in one's self. It's like an "end" is coming near in terms of letting go of past luggage.
Why do I say this? Well, I think it was last year, I had these very intense feelings. It was very disruptive. I felt completely alone and paranoid. It was horrible! I thought "will this end!?" For the most part, I wonder if it's over. However, my mind has a bit more peace than before, that much I can say.
But why am I saying this, now this is only my theory, but what if it's the same with Earth. The disruption, and then the explosion, and then,what we consider to be, the "end", and then the peace.
You see, we can make this harder than it is, or make it a bit more easier by making choices. I read an article where, not just in America, but in other countries people are sending in their worries about how the world will end on the 21st and that they will commit suicide.
Now let me tell you, from the many books I've read and articles I've read dealing with reincarnation, life on the other side, things people have told me, when you commit that act, you will be sent back instantly. You will have to start off where you left off at. Is it worth, if you will survive, throwing your life away? Why not finish what you can, and if it happens it happens.
At some point, I hope people come to accept death as not something that is bad. I guess it's because there are these statements of judgement, being tossed to hell, etc.
I have read accounts that people do see these like demonic like figures when they astral project, but it's do to their thought or minds that these things appear. The judgement I believe is done by our own self. When we go to the other side, we are our biggest critics. I've heard accounts that souls, for the most part, know what they could have done better in certain areas of their life. But the one I most often see if that a soul will feel bad about committing suicide. They will admit that life is very tough. And as souls, we are in a state of bliss and that things don't seem to be difficult until we come here.
Hell, I think, is in our imagination. Why would God, a being who is all loving, and all knowing, want to toss you into such a place? If He is all knowing, He will know when you will make a mistake. There are no secrets. Everything is out in the opened with Him.
Now, as I don't claim a religion, I do enjoy the many stories from different religions. Even though I say this, I have a different vision of this ultimate creator. It came to the point where I would wonder should I use the word God? Creator? And in the end, it doesn't really matter. Because this Creator knows that I'm speaking about it. We sweat the small stuff. I sweat the small stuff. How should I do this? etc. Contemplating ever little aspect of our lives, and then something "unexpected" happens! Oh no!
It's because we expect all kinds of things. And sometimes, those aren't the things we really "need" (to learn/ understand/ see) etc.
"So what, should I just sit like a rock and do nothing?" No. And why so much sarcasm when someone makes statements like this. Enjoy life! But know that when something arises, see it as an opportunity. When we go to school as children, we go to have fun, experience and well, play and have fun! We experience the happiness of being with friends, playing along with them, talking and laughing. But the real fun begins when we get a "pop quiz" when our teachers (guides) place in front of us a test. "WHAT IS THIS!? I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS!!" And that's why it's a pop quiz. To test our knowledge of all the things we've learned. To see if we "get it" yet.
If you don't "get it", it's okay. They don't hate you lol You go on your way. And soon they approach you unexpectedly again with the same quiz, but worded "differently" and you with the same thought "WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS??"
Until one day, you will know. You will look and know "Oh! I know how to deal with this!" and with a wave of your hand, you pass it. You get it. You understand it. And now you know it! Congrats, you have passed.
"Ohhh~! But why do you talk so matter of fact-ly(that's not a word is it?? lol)?" Well, let me tell you, for the most part I have been asking myself "who am I to be saying these things? Why should I?"
Then I came to the thought "why shouldn't I? I'm not trying to hurt anyone am I?"
My answer is "no", I want to help build people. To help them stand up when they just want to stay down. I'm not the kind of person who will be there all of your life. I will help you until I see that you don't need me anymore. And honestly, I've done this with people i know. I will just suddenly disappear, because they started to live their lives. "This person doesn't need me right now", it's not out of sadness that I think these thoughts. I'm a little happy and a bit relieved. But when I get a call, I listen, and we talk. It's great to hear from them! I've come to understand people will come and go out of our lives. Sometimes they are there for a small amount of times, maybe for some small karma, or they are there for a very long time to work out some past karma that may take a longer time.
Sometimes I wonder myself "do I really know this?" and as many times as I say "I don't know" these same feelings come up. At least in this place I know I feel accepted. And in the end I say "well, on the outside, it doesn't matter. I'm happy in this place. I'm accepted."
Like yesterday, I started to feel like I wasn't going anywhere in my life. I've found two ladies I went to school with in high school. One is married with two children, and the other has I think 1 child (I saw a picture with 4 children, I don't know if they are her, but she did show one picture where she said it's her child) or two children. And then I thought that all this time I've been saying I want to get myself together, and now I want what they have just because lol I stopped. And I'm truly happy for them. I was bummed out, but I feel better now. :) I'm happy where I am. And yes, I still am working to learn some drawing stuff (that was my purpose in the first place. To see my images move, and write some stories that will touch people's hearts).
For the most part, I feel like in order to do one thing I have to sacrifice another. And that's not true. It's a matter of finding where I can place certain things in my life. For example, I like creating stories! But I also like to study new languages, I would like to learn to cook, and knit and crochet and all of these things. Soon I started to feel overwhelmed, and I realized it's because I felt that I had to do one or the other. And now I'm thinking "just space them out! Do fret it! Just do it when you feel like it. There is no rush."
And this is the massage. I don't want people to feel they can't believe what they don't want to believe. Please do. By all means, it's what makes the world interesting. It gives me something to read. But it does become a problem when it's instilling fear or negativity. I know negative things can't be completely distinguished. However, I feel like it gets the most attention. For example, a person could go on and on about how bad things are that they seem to forget how good things are too.
There are times when I would come across something where a person would go to another country, a country where the people don't have as much as us, and yet they are so darn happy! And the person would think "how could they continue to smile this this?"
Isn't that amazing?
So you see, we have things, it's just we forget where to look. Those happy things may be our memories for all time. Because if you lose that physical thing, it never disappears from your heart. From our subconscious mind. That place your soul knows deep inside.
Personally I find it sad that people fear God. It's really sad. Before I was way to nervous to turn to a higher power for anything. I went through that "but they may too busy to worry about me" mindset lol Yes I've had it too. Of course I still don't ask, I just think "well, what are they gonna send me now?" lol just waiting, like waiting for a package. Just doing what I do and enjoy doing and just waiting.
But if I do ask, it's for things like "where did I put this item?" to which I would be able to find it (no surprise lately) and I would say 'thank you" even if I would continue to wonder if I just found that by coincidence or not.
Also my artistic rut has gone away. I felt like I had way too much in my head. And I needed a break to get all of the garbage taken care of. I still have a few things to deal with.
So you see, even with me saying these things, I have a load of things I'm dealing with too. It's mainly "me" stuff. Like inner stuff. Self acceptance. And although at the time I didn't quite get it, I'm getting it now. A friend of mines would say "you can't help anyone, until you can help yourself" and it's become more and more truer. And I would think "how will I know when I know myself?"
And my answer is this: When you know yourself, you know that when you are with a group of people, they can never pull you away from what you find to be right and wrong. When they say "You want to smoke" you won't feel pressured. You know who you are in comparison to them. Not that you are any higher, or any lower. That you are all the same. When you know this, you know there is no great race, Although we would like to be at the same level as other. Sometimes I believe we can even feel when someone is farther ahead of us, and we want to be like them. They may inspire us! And we know they are very close to finishing. But there is no rush. Just take our time~♪
Also you have this knowledge. It's kind of like an "I know" kind of knowledge. Not in the sense that you're a "know-it-all" but more like because you lived it, you can understand, kind of knowledge.
I know that I may continue to make this mistake until I get it, but I always do this. Where a person would tell me something, I hear them, but I'm not really getting it. So I'm not listening. But has I experience what they may have experience internally, I would say "Oh! I get it know" and I would be annoyed if I told someone and they just don't "listen" lol because I would think "I didn't listen! But don't be like me! Get what I'm saying!" Because I want to help them. But they will get it. It's just the way things are.
Now, that's dealing with the universal system. The civilization system is a little out of whack. It's like we can pinpoint the errors. One guy stated it perfectly in one of his videos on youtube, "how can we be so advanced, but don't have a cure for a lot of things?" How is that possible? I don't think it's possible. I think it's on purpose.
Some people seek control. It makes them feel empowered. "People are following me!" they may feel god-like. But the answers are there.. And I think, they know this. But if people had the knowledge of how to do these things on their own, who would follow them? You see?
I've heard way to many times from some blacks that "the white man wants us to stay ignorant" and in my mind I have to not want to correct them aloud, and think in my head "what they mean is there are people who do not want people to know. People with Egos. People who are doing things the shouldn't"
It's not the "white man" or the "black man", it's a being. Not a color. The being inside, not the skin color. The skin color can't hurt us.
Besides, their are different races of people in office. So it's not just a one person kind of job. And besides, we give them that power. I think some people know they aren't giving them power. They know. They may shop at the stores, or use the medical insurance, but they know that those people are just like them.
Some things work, and some things don't. I think eventually, something will be done about the things that are corrupt.
Anyways, I'm going to play Harvest Moon. It's this farming video game lol I haven't played it in a whole year. My mom laughed at me for playing it, but I really enjoy this game.
Mon
My thought was: what happens when something intense goes on inside of us? It comes out right? Kind of like an explosion.
I thought about the disasters that have been happening. Most of the most difficult ones seem to be by humans. Natural disasters are like the explosion from the Earth from holding to much inside. So much intensity from the surface.
Hm...there's this thing called grounding. I'm not sure if it's different for everyone, but it's when you send the old energy down into the planet's core. Could that energy be building up? Also with all the energy being tossed around here, would that be building up?
One thing I've come to realize is that during the most intense time, it's like a test of faith in one's self. It's like an "end" is coming near in terms of letting go of past luggage.
Why do I say this? Well, I think it was last year, I had these very intense feelings. It was very disruptive. I felt completely alone and paranoid. It was horrible! I thought "will this end!?" For the most part, I wonder if it's over. However, my mind has a bit more peace than before, that much I can say.
But why am I saying this, now this is only my theory, but what if it's the same with Earth. The disruption, and then the explosion, and then,what we consider to be, the "end", and then the peace.
You see, we can make this harder than it is, or make it a bit more easier by making choices. I read an article where, not just in America, but in other countries people are sending in their worries about how the world will end on the 21st and that they will commit suicide.
Now let me tell you, from the many books I've read and articles I've read dealing with reincarnation, life on the other side, things people have told me, when you commit that act, you will be sent back instantly. You will have to start off where you left off at. Is it worth, if you will survive, throwing your life away? Why not finish what you can, and if it happens it happens.
At some point, I hope people come to accept death as not something that is bad. I guess it's because there are these statements of judgement, being tossed to hell, etc.
I have read accounts that people do see these like demonic like figures when they astral project, but it's do to their thought or minds that these things appear. The judgement I believe is done by our own self. When we go to the other side, we are our biggest critics. I've heard accounts that souls, for the most part, know what they could have done better in certain areas of their life. But the one I most often see if that a soul will feel bad about committing suicide. They will admit that life is very tough. And as souls, we are in a state of bliss and that things don't seem to be difficult until we come here.
Hell, I think, is in our imagination. Why would God, a being who is all loving, and all knowing, want to toss you into such a place? If He is all knowing, He will know when you will make a mistake. There are no secrets. Everything is out in the opened with Him.
Now, as I don't claim a religion, I do enjoy the many stories from different religions. Even though I say this, I have a different vision of this ultimate creator. It came to the point where I would wonder should I use the word God? Creator? And in the end, it doesn't really matter. Because this Creator knows that I'm speaking about it. We sweat the small stuff. I sweat the small stuff. How should I do this? etc. Contemplating ever little aspect of our lives, and then something "unexpected" happens! Oh no!
It's because we expect all kinds of things. And sometimes, those aren't the things we really "need" (to learn/ understand/ see) etc.
"So what, should I just sit like a rock and do nothing?" No. And why so much sarcasm when someone makes statements like this. Enjoy life! But know that when something arises, see it as an opportunity. When we go to school as children, we go to have fun, experience and well, play and have fun! We experience the happiness of being with friends, playing along with them, talking and laughing. But the real fun begins when we get a "pop quiz" when our teachers (guides) place in front of us a test. "WHAT IS THIS!? I WASN'T EXPECTING THIS!!" And that's why it's a pop quiz. To test our knowledge of all the things we've learned. To see if we "get it" yet.
If you don't "get it", it's okay. They don't hate you lol You go on your way. And soon they approach you unexpectedly again with the same quiz, but worded "differently" and you with the same thought "WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS??"
Until one day, you will know. You will look and know "Oh! I know how to deal with this!" and with a wave of your hand, you pass it. You get it. You understand it. And now you know it! Congrats, you have passed.
"Ohhh~! But why do you talk so matter of fact-ly(that's not a word is it?? lol)?" Well, let me tell you, for the most part I have been asking myself "who am I to be saying these things? Why should I?"
Then I came to the thought "why shouldn't I? I'm not trying to hurt anyone am I?"
My answer is "no", I want to help build people. To help them stand up when they just want to stay down. I'm not the kind of person who will be there all of your life. I will help you until I see that you don't need me anymore. And honestly, I've done this with people i know. I will just suddenly disappear, because they started to live their lives. "This person doesn't need me right now", it's not out of sadness that I think these thoughts. I'm a little happy and a bit relieved. But when I get a call, I listen, and we talk. It's great to hear from them! I've come to understand people will come and go out of our lives. Sometimes they are there for a small amount of times, maybe for some small karma, or they are there for a very long time to work out some past karma that may take a longer time.
Sometimes I wonder myself "do I really know this?" and as many times as I say "I don't know" these same feelings come up. At least in this place I know I feel accepted. And in the end I say "well, on the outside, it doesn't matter. I'm happy in this place. I'm accepted."
Like yesterday, I started to feel like I wasn't going anywhere in my life. I've found two ladies I went to school with in high school. One is married with two children, and the other has I think 1 child (I saw a picture with 4 children, I don't know if they are her, but she did show one picture where she said it's her child) or two children. And then I thought that all this time I've been saying I want to get myself together, and now I want what they have just because lol I stopped. And I'm truly happy for them. I was bummed out, but I feel better now. :) I'm happy where I am. And yes, I still am working to learn some drawing stuff (that was my purpose in the first place. To see my images move, and write some stories that will touch people's hearts).
For the most part, I feel like in order to do one thing I have to sacrifice another. And that's not true. It's a matter of finding where I can place certain things in my life. For example, I like creating stories! But I also like to study new languages, I would like to learn to cook, and knit and crochet and all of these things. Soon I started to feel overwhelmed, and I realized it's because I felt that I had to do one or the other. And now I'm thinking "just space them out! Do fret it! Just do it when you feel like it. There is no rush."
And this is the massage. I don't want people to feel they can't believe what they don't want to believe. Please do. By all means, it's what makes the world interesting. It gives me something to read. But it does become a problem when it's instilling fear or negativity. I know negative things can't be completely distinguished. However, I feel like it gets the most attention. For example, a person could go on and on about how bad things are that they seem to forget how good things are too.
There are times when I would come across something where a person would go to another country, a country where the people don't have as much as us, and yet they are so darn happy! And the person would think "how could they continue to smile this this?"
Isn't that amazing?
So you see, we have things, it's just we forget where to look. Those happy things may be our memories for all time. Because if you lose that physical thing, it never disappears from your heart. From our subconscious mind. That place your soul knows deep inside.
Personally I find it sad that people fear God. It's really sad. Before I was way to nervous to turn to a higher power for anything. I went through that "but they may too busy to worry about me" mindset lol Yes I've had it too. Of course I still don't ask, I just think "well, what are they gonna send me now?" lol just waiting, like waiting for a package. Just doing what I do and enjoy doing and just waiting.
But if I do ask, it's for things like "where did I put this item?" to which I would be able to find it (no surprise lately) and I would say 'thank you" even if I would continue to wonder if I just found that by coincidence or not.
Also my artistic rut has gone away. I felt like I had way too much in my head. And I needed a break to get all of the garbage taken care of. I still have a few things to deal with.
So you see, even with me saying these things, I have a load of things I'm dealing with too. It's mainly "me" stuff. Like inner stuff. Self acceptance. And although at the time I didn't quite get it, I'm getting it now. A friend of mines would say "you can't help anyone, until you can help yourself" and it's become more and more truer. And I would think "how will I know when I know myself?"
And my answer is this: When you know yourself, you know that when you are with a group of people, they can never pull you away from what you find to be right and wrong. When they say "You want to smoke" you won't feel pressured. You know who you are in comparison to them. Not that you are any higher, or any lower. That you are all the same. When you know this, you know there is no great race, Although we would like to be at the same level as other. Sometimes I believe we can even feel when someone is farther ahead of us, and we want to be like them. They may inspire us! And we know they are very close to finishing. But there is no rush. Just take our time~♪
Also you have this knowledge. It's kind of like an "I know" kind of knowledge. Not in the sense that you're a "know-it-all" but more like because you lived it, you can understand, kind of knowledge.
I know that I may continue to make this mistake until I get it, but I always do this. Where a person would tell me something, I hear them, but I'm not really getting it. So I'm not listening. But has I experience what they may have experience internally, I would say "Oh! I get it know" and I would be annoyed if I told someone and they just don't "listen" lol because I would think "I didn't listen! But don't be like me! Get what I'm saying!" Because I want to help them. But they will get it. It's just the way things are.
Now, that's dealing with the universal system. The civilization system is a little out of whack. It's like we can pinpoint the errors. One guy stated it perfectly in one of his videos on youtube, "how can we be so advanced, but don't have a cure for a lot of things?" How is that possible? I don't think it's possible. I think it's on purpose.
Some people seek control. It makes them feel empowered. "People are following me!" they may feel god-like. But the answers are there.. And I think, they know this. But if people had the knowledge of how to do these things on their own, who would follow them? You see?
I've heard way to many times from some blacks that "the white man wants us to stay ignorant" and in my mind I have to not want to correct them aloud, and think in my head "what they mean is there are people who do not want people to know. People with Egos. People who are doing things the shouldn't"
It's not the "white man" or the "black man", it's a being. Not a color. The being inside, not the skin color. The skin color can't hurt us.
Besides, their are different races of people in office. So it's not just a one person kind of job. And besides, we give them that power. I think some people know they aren't giving them power. They know. They may shop at the stores, or use the medical insurance, but they know that those people are just like them.
Some things work, and some things don't. I think eventually, something will be done about the things that are corrupt.
Anyways, I'm going to play Harvest Moon. It's this farming video game lol I haven't played it in a whole year. My mom laughed at me for playing it, but I really enjoy this game.
Mon
Monday, December 17, 2012
Happy for what you got~
Hi!
I've been working on some TOP SECRET stuff!! (*_*)
But I got to thinking "I complain too much!!"
Well, okay, maybe not as much as the next person, but I realize that sometimes I just forget to look at the things I have and be happy. And when I think of those things, I usually become happy.
I also realized that I've been talking about moving out a lot. I've come to realize when adults say "the real world isn't easy" I should take their word for it. But I do believe it's in one's perception though. But moving out into the world is just a new step in life. And like all new steps there are challenges that arise.
I would think "I don't fit in my family" or "it's tough here! They annoy me" but in the end, I think that's normal. O__o what family members don't get on our nerves from time to time. And for the most part, we may all think our family is a little weird.
So yep, I'll still complain,but I'll be a happy grateful complainer lol
In the end, I'm happy with what I have. I realized that we're more similar than we think. And when the time comes, I'll go on. But for now I should enjoy my time with them.
Hm....and when I move out, I always have this idea that it will be so grand lol but I come to realize this as well, things do not usually go the way we expect that they would. It always happens. I have no idea why. I guess that's why it's best to take whatever life throws at you, try to deal with it as best as you can, and keep on living.
Mon
I've been working on some TOP SECRET stuff!! (*_*)
But I got to thinking "I complain too much!!"
Well, okay, maybe not as much as the next person, but I realize that sometimes I just forget to look at the things I have and be happy. And when I think of those things, I usually become happy.
I also realized that I've been talking about moving out a lot. I've come to realize when adults say "the real world isn't easy" I should take their word for it. But I do believe it's in one's perception though. But moving out into the world is just a new step in life. And like all new steps there are challenges that arise.
I would think "I don't fit in my family" or "it's tough here! They annoy me" but in the end, I think that's normal. O__o what family members don't get on our nerves from time to time. And for the most part, we may all think our family is a little weird.
So yep, I'll still complain,but I'll be a happy grateful complainer lol
In the end, I'm happy with what I have. I realized that we're more similar than we think. And when the time comes, I'll go on. But for now I should enjoy my time with them.
Hm....and when I move out, I always have this idea that it will be so grand lol but I come to realize this as well, things do not usually go the way we expect that they would. It always happens. I have no idea why. I guess that's why it's best to take whatever life throws at you, try to deal with it as best as you can, and keep on living.
Mon
Developing critical thinking skills D:
"Write things down. Writing down thoughts, even journaling, encourages organized thought processes that lead to critical thinking and deductive reasoning."
How neat is that? So journaling has it's benefits. And I know that I definitely need to learn to organize my thoughts.
So anyone with any kinds of thought, write for yourself.
I'm gonna keep on going and stop trying to judge every thought that comes out of my head.
Mon
How neat is that? So journaling has it's benefits. And I know that I definitely need to learn to organize my thoughts.
So anyone with any kinds of thought, write for yourself.
I'm gonna keep on going and stop trying to judge every thought that comes out of my head.
Mon
4 hours of sleep, my thoughts (battle tactics)
So I only got 4 hours of sleep. I had woken up earlier, at about 1 a.m. to go to the bathroom. I had laid down at about 11:42 p.m. and woke up again at about 1 a.m. ( I didn't check the clock).
Then I went to bed at about 5 a.m. and now I'm woke again. The sound of the t.v. woke me up, them my mom told me she was getting ready to go to work. It's 9:57 a.m. This is why, when I can get sleep, I am very irritable. Because it's hard for me to stay asleep. Yeah, I get annoyed.
The reason I'm still up is because I'm thinking of military tactics. Disarming people. Pressure points etc. Things like this. About the bodies anatomy. Being observant. About how the mind works in certain situations. These kinds of things I think are important. I remember maybe 3 or 4 semesters back during a Psychology class I was chatting with two students in the back of the class. it had surprised me that there were no windows or vents and I told them that the classroom was not very safe because there's only on exit.
I told them that if a gunman were to come in, what they would do? Of course I took this situation serious. I always wonder about situations like this. Although, at the time, I felt it was unlikely, I felt it was very possible. Often I would stop and notice my surroundings.
Now I'm thinking, teaching these kinds of skills would be helpful. That way people won't feel helpless. Maybe a class about it. Drills works, because it's a procedure based on repetition. But sometimes situations arises that aren't what we planned they would be.
Although on the outside I feel like I would be a wuss, on the inside I feel like some kind of disarming military person. Of course I dislike harming people, but at the same time I know the people on Earth aren't as friendly has we would like them to be. I know first and foremost, a clear mind is needed to think clearly under stress. Adrenaline kicks in, but under certain cases, it needs to be calmed down in order to function at our best.
Also, I'm not as observant as it seems I may be. For the most part, I don't pay particular attention to everything like I feel I should, or need to. As I think these skills are very important.
Growing up without having a plan was common for me. So I feel like I'm lacking. I even remember times when I was younger, playing tag, I would go into military mode lol I would crawl as if "an enemy were approaching" and planning my next move so I won't be spotted. Ohhh yeah, the classic game of tag lol
If somehow I was in some kind of military force in a past life, I could see how it could be helpful. Especially how I have the feeling of not wanting to harm anyone. The fact that I dislike wars for the reason that I feel it is pointless killing. Maybe people who have this feeling, have it for a reason.
I often feel that our skills aren't high enough. Such as our analytical skills.
Anyways this is why I'm still up. After thinking back on that thought I had before about a gunman in our school, I realized that my thoughts are not as strange and random as I thought. So why not share them even if some people may find it strange or harsh or whatever.
They're just thoughts after all. They aren't anything but thoughts and can't hurt anyone if they don't want them to. They mean something if it touches you, and doesn't mean anything if it doesn't. As simple as that.
So now I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. Hopefully since I typed this I'll be able to go to sleep.
Mon
Then I went to bed at about 5 a.m. and now I'm woke again. The sound of the t.v. woke me up, them my mom told me she was getting ready to go to work. It's 9:57 a.m. This is why, when I can get sleep, I am very irritable. Because it's hard for me to stay asleep. Yeah, I get annoyed.
The reason I'm still up is because I'm thinking of military tactics. Disarming people. Pressure points etc. Things like this. About the bodies anatomy. Being observant. About how the mind works in certain situations. These kinds of things I think are important. I remember maybe 3 or 4 semesters back during a Psychology class I was chatting with two students in the back of the class. it had surprised me that there were no windows or vents and I told them that the classroom was not very safe because there's only on exit.
I told them that if a gunman were to come in, what they would do? Of course I took this situation serious. I always wonder about situations like this. Although, at the time, I felt it was unlikely, I felt it was very possible. Often I would stop and notice my surroundings.
Now I'm thinking, teaching these kinds of skills would be helpful. That way people won't feel helpless. Maybe a class about it. Drills works, because it's a procedure based on repetition. But sometimes situations arises that aren't what we planned they would be.
Although on the outside I feel like I would be a wuss, on the inside I feel like some kind of disarming military person. Of course I dislike harming people, but at the same time I know the people on Earth aren't as friendly has we would like them to be. I know first and foremost, a clear mind is needed to think clearly under stress. Adrenaline kicks in, but under certain cases, it needs to be calmed down in order to function at our best.
Also, I'm not as observant as it seems I may be. For the most part, I don't pay particular attention to everything like I feel I should, or need to. As I think these skills are very important.
Growing up without having a plan was common for me. So I feel like I'm lacking. I even remember times when I was younger, playing tag, I would go into military mode lol I would crawl as if "an enemy were approaching" and planning my next move so I won't be spotted. Ohhh yeah, the classic game of tag lol
If somehow I was in some kind of military force in a past life, I could see how it could be helpful. Especially how I have the feeling of not wanting to harm anyone. The fact that I dislike wars for the reason that I feel it is pointless killing. Maybe people who have this feeling, have it for a reason.
I often feel that our skills aren't high enough. Such as our analytical skills.
Anyways this is why I'm still up. After thinking back on that thought I had before about a gunman in our school, I realized that my thoughts are not as strange and random as I thought. So why not share them even if some people may find it strange or harsh or whatever.
They're just thoughts after all. They aren't anything but thoughts and can't hurt anyone if they don't want them to. They mean something if it touches you, and doesn't mean anything if it doesn't. As simple as that.
So now I'm gonna try to go back to sleep. Hopefully since I typed this I'll be able to go to sleep.
Mon
Sunday, December 16, 2012
Planting flowers♥
I can't wait until Spring. I have some flowers I would like to plant. They are very pretty flowers. Pink, yellow and blue. I'm not sure what kind of flowers they are, I just like the color.
These can only be planted in warm weather.
And since I have yet to see snow, what else can I possibly enjoy about this season. D: It's not autumn without the leaves.
Well, in this kind of situation, I would probably have made my own snow out of paper and confetti. Only to have my mom and sister standing in the background asking me "what's wrong? Why are you doing that?" while staring at me in a strange way,.
Hm....also I don't know if I know how to garden. Me and my mom were working on growing vegetables. Halfway through she just stopped taking care of them. So I was left doing it alone. Then I stopped because they all died. :( There was one more left and I was trying my best to protect it!
But I would love to start a garden. It's the act of growing something that I would enjoy the most. I love creating and growing things. It's my favorite thing to do. But I don't like being forced or told to do it.
Recently I'm working on a rug. It will be a long horizontal rug. The pattern is a dark chocolate brown for the rim, a white strip, and the middle will be a light brown. I just started two days ago and I'm kind of excited!★
I want to work on it now, but I think I should give my wrist a break. My wrist were aching after the first day of crocheting. But I guess it's because it's been a while.
Mon
Saturday, December 15, 2012
The Incident from yesterday
So I took down my previous post because I found that the boy involved in the shooting probably didn't have a motive. What I said before still applies. I don't think anything is ever SO bad that it means you have to take someone else's life. That's just thinking with your emotions.
Now I just read all of the names of the children and adults involved in the shooting. Most of the children were 6 years old, and I think maybe two or three were 7. Now at six, I can remember things. So I'm sure the children who witnessed this incident will remember.
I'm a believer that people do not die, their energy just transform into another form. So that part makes me happy because I don't believe those children are gone. But what does make me sad is the taking of another life. I just do not condone this at all! There is never enough reasons in the world that would make me understand why someone would kill another, unless it was accidently and for self-defense.
So for those beings who were involved with this incident, I hope you have all made it to the otherside safely. I'm sure you are all quite confused to have had your life taken away so suddenly, but I do hope your guides and angels are there for you. They love you and so do your family.
I really wish that these souls can send the positive messages to their family that they are okay. I know this kind of event, especially because it's near the (what's suppose to be) the merriest holiday in the year. So my best wishes to them on recovering from this event.
To the boy who did this, I won't judge him. I won't hate him. Hate only brings more hate. But to him, I'm sure you know what you've done wrong. And that such acts really mean nothing on the other side but cause pain. I just wish you the best on your journey and hope that you will become better over time. Of course I'm sure you've come to realize your error.
To the other souls who are torn by this event, I truly believe this is a message for us to listen and pay attention. We need to wake up and stop ignoring our family, which includes everyone. If you see someone hurting, don't just turn your back them if you can help them. Some souls are so damaged beyond repair, and that makes me nervous. It makes me sad. We have to be there for each other. Also, please pay attention to your children. Some children, even from what I've seen on buses, get spoken down upon or ignored so much. Children are very susceptible to neglect, it could cause problems in the long run.
I know that some parents try their best. I can understand that it's tough. But for the love of humanity, it is not that hard to keep your legs closed!! Honestly it's not. I understand humanly desires. But if you do choose to have sex, please be protected until you're sure you're ready for the responsibility. Consider everything. It's a new step in your life. You don't have to rush it!
For the parents who just making it, be strong. These are the parents I truly respect. The ones who are always trying. You have a child, trying to work and go to school at the same time. The parents who are just barely making it but still ask their child how was their day. I applaud you. Whenever I see parents like this, or even single parents, I smile at them. They may look at me strange for staring at them, but when I can I tell them I appreciate them. I'm sure they need to know that someone respect their hard work.
And also, I know that life isn't as easy as we want it to be. It's not suppose to be completely easy! Our guides and God aren't gonna step down and do everything for us. They are there. But we have to work too. If we don't work, how will we ever learn?
Anyone who reads this, I would like to tell you I'm very serious. Please read these words and know that I'm sincere. Please be strong. We are all here together. We breath the same air. So why can't we be considerate, compassionate and understanding to everyone else. Regardless of race, gender etc. respect the person because they are human just like you. They make mistakes just like you. The blunder, they fall, they have emotions just like you. They hurt just like you. They are human!
When you realize this, and truly realize this, you'll realize that when you judge another, you are judging yourself because you are just like that person. Maybe not in the sense that you would commit the same crime, but in the sense that you are a living, breathing human who could have made that same mistake, or been caught up in that same mindset and felt lost. I'm not saying just to allow people to hurt another. No, I want to avoid this whenever possible. I would like for everyone to do this.
Some acts are inexcusable. We say "where is the justice?" and there is a justice system. It's a system which sees all, and sends back the appropriate "punishment." So to you, that justice system is what some of you may call God. Oh yes, this creating energy is understanding, It's also loving, always loving. So when you do an act that you may claim to be "unforgivable", it is forgiven by this Being. So I choose to be forgiving for such an act.
Also, I'd like to say that, although I don't claim a religion, I do like the story about Jesus. He is the figure, as a human, that I respect. I wonder if in this instance he would be forgiving. Maybe he would know that that boy did not know any better. I choose to walk the path that many other great teachers have walked. That is the path of understanding, compassion, forgiving and most important loving. For two wrong do not make a right, and hate over hate only creates more hate.
Which path do you choose?
Crying is okay. This is fine. But do not damn anyone. Would you like it is someone told you to go to "hell" or said "damn you!" :( Yes his acts were very harsh. But let's be the stepping stones to make a better tomorrow. Please everyone.
Mon
Now I just read all of the names of the children and adults involved in the shooting. Most of the children were 6 years old, and I think maybe two or three were 7. Now at six, I can remember things. So I'm sure the children who witnessed this incident will remember.
I'm a believer that people do not die, their energy just transform into another form. So that part makes me happy because I don't believe those children are gone. But what does make me sad is the taking of another life. I just do not condone this at all! There is never enough reasons in the world that would make me understand why someone would kill another, unless it was accidently and for self-defense.
So for those beings who were involved with this incident, I hope you have all made it to the otherside safely. I'm sure you are all quite confused to have had your life taken away so suddenly, but I do hope your guides and angels are there for you. They love you and so do your family.
I really wish that these souls can send the positive messages to their family that they are okay. I know this kind of event, especially because it's near the (what's suppose to be) the merriest holiday in the year. So my best wishes to them on recovering from this event.
To the boy who did this, I won't judge him. I won't hate him. Hate only brings more hate. But to him, I'm sure you know what you've done wrong. And that such acts really mean nothing on the other side but cause pain. I just wish you the best on your journey and hope that you will become better over time. Of course I'm sure you've come to realize your error.
To the other souls who are torn by this event, I truly believe this is a message for us to listen and pay attention. We need to wake up and stop ignoring our family, which includes everyone. If you see someone hurting, don't just turn your back them if you can help them. Some souls are so damaged beyond repair, and that makes me nervous. It makes me sad. We have to be there for each other. Also, please pay attention to your children. Some children, even from what I've seen on buses, get spoken down upon or ignored so much. Children are very susceptible to neglect, it could cause problems in the long run.
I know that some parents try their best. I can understand that it's tough. But for the love of humanity, it is not that hard to keep your legs closed!! Honestly it's not. I understand humanly desires. But if you do choose to have sex, please be protected until you're sure you're ready for the responsibility. Consider everything. It's a new step in your life. You don't have to rush it!
For the parents who just making it, be strong. These are the parents I truly respect. The ones who are always trying. You have a child, trying to work and go to school at the same time. The parents who are just barely making it but still ask their child how was their day. I applaud you. Whenever I see parents like this, or even single parents, I smile at them. They may look at me strange for staring at them, but when I can I tell them I appreciate them. I'm sure they need to know that someone respect their hard work.
And also, I know that life isn't as easy as we want it to be. It's not suppose to be completely easy! Our guides and God aren't gonna step down and do everything for us. They are there. But we have to work too. If we don't work, how will we ever learn?
Anyone who reads this, I would like to tell you I'm very serious. Please read these words and know that I'm sincere. Please be strong. We are all here together. We breath the same air. So why can't we be considerate, compassionate and understanding to everyone else. Regardless of race, gender etc. respect the person because they are human just like you. They make mistakes just like you. The blunder, they fall, they have emotions just like you. They hurt just like you. They are human!
When you realize this, and truly realize this, you'll realize that when you judge another, you are judging yourself because you are just like that person. Maybe not in the sense that you would commit the same crime, but in the sense that you are a living, breathing human who could have made that same mistake, or been caught up in that same mindset and felt lost. I'm not saying just to allow people to hurt another. No, I want to avoid this whenever possible. I would like for everyone to do this.
Some acts are inexcusable. We say "where is the justice?" and there is a justice system. It's a system which sees all, and sends back the appropriate "punishment." So to you, that justice system is what some of you may call God. Oh yes, this creating energy is understanding, It's also loving, always loving. So when you do an act that you may claim to be "unforgivable", it is forgiven by this Being. So I choose to be forgiving for such an act.
Also, I'd like to say that, although I don't claim a religion, I do like the story about Jesus. He is the figure, as a human, that I respect. I wonder if in this instance he would be forgiving. Maybe he would know that that boy did not know any better. I choose to walk the path that many other great teachers have walked. That is the path of understanding, compassion, forgiving and most important loving. For two wrong do not make a right, and hate over hate only creates more hate.
Which path do you choose?
Crying is okay. This is fine. But do not damn anyone. Would you like it is someone told you to go to "hell" or said "damn you!" :( Yes his acts were very harsh. But let's be the stepping stones to make a better tomorrow. Please everyone.
Mon
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Still no Snow
It still hasn't snowed yet. Personally I love the snow! It's tasty and very beautiful.
Chicago is known for being windy. It's true, especially in the winter. But it's been okay so far. It was like this last winter, then the snow really hit us. People were actually trapped in their cars because of the snow.
I want to eat some snow D: Of course I know that the pollution in the air can make the snow not so good. So I limit the amount I eat. The family dog loves to eat it! He even loves to eat ice! It's so cute.
Also, my camera works. So I will take some pictures of the extreme snow in Chicago. ^^ Then you can see it live.
Mon
Chicago is known for being windy. It's true, especially in the winter. But it's been okay so far. It was like this last winter, then the snow really hit us. People were actually trapped in their cars because of the snow.
I want to eat some snow D: Of course I know that the pollution in the air can make the snow not so good. So I limit the amount I eat. The family dog loves to eat it! He even loves to eat ice! It's so cute.
Also, my camera works. So I will take some pictures of the extreme snow in Chicago. ^^ Then you can see it live.
Mon
Monday, December 10, 2012
Some things I've read about with dying and the afterlife
Hi!
I realize I speak about this topic a a lot don't I? Mainly because to me it's just as important as being born.
But here's the thing, were we afraid of being born? If not, then why are we afraid of dying?
When I think about death, I think about pain. I hate pain to be truthfully honest. But here's the thing, pain into so bad. I think it depends on the level of pain. For instance, when I was hit by that car years ago, there was no pain when the car actually hit me. I think this is because our body's adrenaline kicks in. Anyways, I didn't feel any pain until after I left the hospital. I was lucky because I had no injuries. However, I do look at that incident as a good experience and not a bad one.
Anyways, when I do hurt myself to a point where I have to stop and say "ouch!" the pain is there for a few seconds and subsides. Now I'm quite cautious and well aware of my movements, however sometimes I'm not and I would end up stubbing my toe or something. It's never nothing insanely bad.
But I realize that when I do stub my toe, I would focus on the pain or focus on just continue going and the pain would go away very quickly. Lately I try to do this instead of taking painkillers. It makes me feel more in touch with my body.
Anyways, about what I read about the afterlife. Now speaking from experience I do believe we are not our bodies. When that incident occurred I do remember for a split second leaving my body and returning to it almost instantly. So I wouldn't consider my incident to be a NDE.
So I will explain that yes I could see. It was just like looking through my normal eyes. It happened very very quickly, but I do remember seeing my body. But my awareness my mind was with me the whole time. So after that incident all thoughts about possibly rotting in the ground disappeared.Sometimes I do wish I would have saw the tunnel and got to speak with other beings that are always near, but I doubt it would be allowed for me because I wouldn't have wanted to come back. I mean that day I had school lol so I definitely would rather have wanted to stay lol
But I have read that the soul leaves the body before the body actually dies. I have read past life hypnosis stories where the person in the trance would mention the fear of dying, but the pain would last for a few seconds and then they would feel relaxed and leaved their body.
So I'm guessing since my incident happened so quickly I didn't feel anything. Also, I can see how certain people or should I say souls, would stay here wondering what happened because their death was very quick.
As for the souls who suffer with a slow and painful death, I feel for them. But I know that once it's over they won't feel pain. I do really feel for souls who suffer pain very slowly. That's one part I don't understand *shrugs*
I also read that we plan the day we come into this world and when and how we leave this world. We sit with our guides, tell them what we wish to accomplish. I also read that when we die we go to this room to review the life we just left. :/ To me it sounds like a lot of work being a soul than it does being a human lol As a human I feel very lazy and I feel like I don't do enough. But I think with having emotions and makes life seem difficult.
So what really made me understand that we are not our body is my own experience. If we were our bodies, I would have been in my body throughout the whole experience. I was confused yes, but when I was out of it, I wasn't scared. Hm....even after the accident I wasn't scared. Just in shock. Afterwards I was laughing and telling my mom how it felt like I was on a roller-coaster.
One thing I wish I could do is help people through that pain. I think I wrote once about something like this, but certain words that exist in English don't exist in other languages. For example, there is no word for flirting in Japan. So the people there have no true concept or what's considered flirting like we would in the West. Or there is no word for pain in...hm...I forgot what country it was. But a lady gave birth on her on. And the man who was American was very surprised and asked a villager and the villager asked him why would childbirth be painful?
It's kind of like how in English, we don't have a true understanding of what 「よろしくお願いします」<--"yoroshiku onegaishimasu" but in Japan it has a huge meaning that I couldn't really begin to truly understand.
Oh! And also, like Socrates once said, something like "why would I fear what I don't know?" as he was walking to his death (death by drinking poison).
In the end, we die. Why it's scary to some and not to other, I think it's our idea of what it's like to die. Before my accident, I never ever thought about car accidents. I wasn't afraid of cars. I never believed I would be a person to be in an accident like that.
But strange enough I do wonder how I will die. >__> Something keeps telling me I have more time here than I think I do, and to stop worrying. But I am cautious. I look around. And yes I still get nervous while in cars. But it's because when I drive with my sister and mom they have serious road rage and it makes me nervous.
But I'm not afraid to cross the street etc.
So in the end, maybe it's the thought of how one might die that make people nervous. Because death seems to be out of our control.
For the most part I have heard from Monk's in China that we are moving into a new age, just like we have in the past. And that it's a stage of renewal. As for the incidents that have been happening on earth, I read that the earth is going through a cleansing. The Earth is living as well, and just like us it knows what it has to do in order to get better. I have also read that there will be changes in the earths continents. That new mountains will rise etc. But I believe it won't happen in just one day O__o that would be surreal. I think that will take years.
As for asteroids, earth has been hit by them in the past. But I think the moon takes much more of a beating than Earth. I was also telling my sister about how even through the Ice Age and the asteroids, humans are still on Earth and have been on Earth for so many years. Obviously they didn't all just die out. the same for dinosaurs. Yes, the ones we have seen in museums are not around, but lizards exist and they are like cold blooded mammals like the dinosaurs.
We, as humans, fear to much. I think we really fear the unknown. But technology was unknown to us years ago, and it exist now and we aren't afraid of it. Is it only not feared if we think it's good for us? And feared if we thought it was good for us, but it's not so good and it bad??
Wow, it's 6 a.m. I have to get to bed now.
Good night.
Also, I'm not saying that fear will disappear completely. No that's naturally in the brain. It's a signal. But I think sometimes we let our fears stop us from living. I can understand that traumatic things may have happened in your life, but do understand that you can go on fearing for so long, but eventually you'll have to let that fear go in order to move on and continue your mission.
Mon
I realize I speak about this topic a a lot don't I? Mainly because to me it's just as important as being born.
But here's the thing, were we afraid of being born? If not, then why are we afraid of dying?
When I think about death, I think about pain. I hate pain to be truthfully honest. But here's the thing, pain into so bad. I think it depends on the level of pain. For instance, when I was hit by that car years ago, there was no pain when the car actually hit me. I think this is because our body's adrenaline kicks in. Anyways, I didn't feel any pain until after I left the hospital. I was lucky because I had no injuries. However, I do look at that incident as a good experience and not a bad one.
Anyways, when I do hurt myself to a point where I have to stop and say "ouch!" the pain is there for a few seconds and subsides. Now I'm quite cautious and well aware of my movements, however sometimes I'm not and I would end up stubbing my toe or something. It's never nothing insanely bad.
But I realize that when I do stub my toe, I would focus on the pain or focus on just continue going and the pain would go away very quickly. Lately I try to do this instead of taking painkillers. It makes me feel more in touch with my body.
Anyways, about what I read about the afterlife. Now speaking from experience I do believe we are not our bodies. When that incident occurred I do remember for a split second leaving my body and returning to it almost instantly. So I wouldn't consider my incident to be a NDE.
So I will explain that yes I could see. It was just like looking through my normal eyes. It happened very very quickly, but I do remember seeing my body. But my awareness my mind was with me the whole time. So after that incident all thoughts about possibly rotting in the ground disappeared.Sometimes I do wish I would have saw the tunnel and got to speak with other beings that are always near, but I doubt it would be allowed for me because I wouldn't have wanted to come back. I mean that day I had school lol so I definitely would rather have wanted to stay lol
But I have read that the soul leaves the body before the body actually dies. I have read past life hypnosis stories where the person in the trance would mention the fear of dying, but the pain would last for a few seconds and then they would feel relaxed and leaved their body.
So I'm guessing since my incident happened so quickly I didn't feel anything. Also, I can see how certain people or should I say souls, would stay here wondering what happened because their death was very quick.
As for the souls who suffer with a slow and painful death, I feel for them. But I know that once it's over they won't feel pain. I do really feel for souls who suffer pain very slowly. That's one part I don't understand *shrugs*
I also read that we plan the day we come into this world and when and how we leave this world. We sit with our guides, tell them what we wish to accomplish. I also read that when we die we go to this room to review the life we just left. :/ To me it sounds like a lot of work being a soul than it does being a human lol As a human I feel very lazy and I feel like I don't do enough. But I think with having emotions and makes life seem difficult.
So what really made me understand that we are not our body is my own experience. If we were our bodies, I would have been in my body throughout the whole experience. I was confused yes, but when I was out of it, I wasn't scared. Hm....even after the accident I wasn't scared. Just in shock. Afterwards I was laughing and telling my mom how it felt like I was on a roller-coaster.
One thing I wish I could do is help people through that pain. I think I wrote once about something like this, but certain words that exist in English don't exist in other languages. For example, there is no word for flirting in Japan. So the people there have no true concept or what's considered flirting like we would in the West. Or there is no word for pain in...hm...I forgot what country it was. But a lady gave birth on her on. And the man who was American was very surprised and asked a villager and the villager asked him why would childbirth be painful?
It's kind of like how in English, we don't have a true understanding of what 「よろしくお願いします」<--"yoroshiku onegaishimasu" but in Japan it has a huge meaning that I couldn't really begin to truly understand.
Oh! And also, like Socrates once said, something like "why would I fear what I don't know?" as he was walking to his death (death by drinking poison).
In the end, we die. Why it's scary to some and not to other, I think it's our idea of what it's like to die. Before my accident, I never ever thought about car accidents. I wasn't afraid of cars. I never believed I would be a person to be in an accident like that.
But strange enough I do wonder how I will die. >__> Something keeps telling me I have more time here than I think I do, and to stop worrying. But I am cautious. I look around. And yes I still get nervous while in cars. But it's because when I drive with my sister and mom they have serious road rage and it makes me nervous.
But I'm not afraid to cross the street etc.
So in the end, maybe it's the thought of how one might die that make people nervous. Because death seems to be out of our control.
For the most part I have heard from Monk's in China that we are moving into a new age, just like we have in the past. And that it's a stage of renewal. As for the incidents that have been happening on earth, I read that the earth is going through a cleansing. The Earth is living as well, and just like us it knows what it has to do in order to get better. I have also read that there will be changes in the earths continents. That new mountains will rise etc. But I believe it won't happen in just one day O__o that would be surreal. I think that will take years.
As for asteroids, earth has been hit by them in the past. But I think the moon takes much more of a beating than Earth. I was also telling my sister about how even through the Ice Age and the asteroids, humans are still on Earth and have been on Earth for so many years. Obviously they didn't all just die out. the same for dinosaurs. Yes, the ones we have seen in museums are not around, but lizards exist and they are like cold blooded mammals like the dinosaurs.
We, as humans, fear to much. I think we really fear the unknown. But technology was unknown to us years ago, and it exist now and we aren't afraid of it. Is it only not feared if we think it's good for us? And feared if we thought it was good for us, but it's not so good and it bad??
Wow, it's 6 a.m. I have to get to bed now.
Good night.
Also, I'm not saying that fear will disappear completely. No that's naturally in the brain. It's a signal. But I think sometimes we let our fears stop us from living. I can understand that traumatic things may have happened in your life, but do understand that you can go on fearing for so long, but eventually you'll have to let that fear go in order to move on and continue your mission.
Mon
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Almost done!
Have you ever had that feeling when, at the very start, you would think "I don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this"?
And then halfway through you'd probably be thinking "urgh! This is taking forever,when will it end?!"
And then towards the end you would be looking back and saying "wow....that wasn't so bad. It seemed like such a short time!"
Well, that's how I feel lol
This is my finally full week of online classes. It doesn't feel like I started in October. But it will feel strange to start going to class again because I haven't been there is a few months.
Anyways, I'm passing both of my classes with a B. My Biology grad went down because of this assignment I didn't quite understand. I was highly upset >_< because I had an A. But hey, I've never been the kind of person to be upset over the fact that my grade went from an A to a B. But I am quite determined to get both of my grades to an A.
For physics I'm at a 86.59% and for Biology I'm at a 89.44%. Which I believe I can easily get an A in Biology if I focus on it a bit more. But I started focusing on Physics because I had a C in this class and I wanted to raise it.
Anyways, I remember I did get in a dispute with my younger sister about something like this. She doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to passing classes.Maybe I was too hard on her. But I'm a huge believer in if someone can do something, so can I. It just means I have to practice and train at it. It's either I can or I can't. There is no in between for me.
Anyways, she dropped one of her class. Although I didn't agree with it, I didn't say anything. They told her if she drops another class she will be on probation. And that happened to me. So that's why I didn't agree with her dropping this class. I would keep telling her "you have to work hard" and she would say "I am" and I would say "then you'll have to work harder than you were" and she would say "I can't do it" and I would tell her "you can't do it with that attitude."
Mainly I was scolding her because I'm doing exactly what I'm instructing her to do. But I gave up talking to her. It's like this, if you think that way it will be that way. You will feel that way.That thought will manifest itself into your reality, into your mind. And it would seem as so.
The reason my sister feels this way is because (she explained this to me many times) she finds certain subjects very difficult. Math is definitely not her strong suit. Which is understandable. I get that. However she's gonna need to pass math to continue with her college education, it cannot be avoided. So I told her that math is simply a skill, and like any skill it needs to be learnt and repeated to understand it.
For example, I forgot how to change a whole number into a decimal lol it's elementary math. But for someone like me who hasn't taken a math class in a while, or who's only done things using letters and not numbers, it's easy to forget it.
But anyways, when I talk to people such as my family, I come off as sounding mean of harsh, and I can hear this. But deep down inside it's only the truth I see. Such as with my sister's example. I could sit with her and continue to tell her I understand. Or I could give her suggestions. In the end, she'll have to pass math, even if it's with a C.
My sister has had a difficult time passing math test. I understand this. Math is not easy for some people. Even my mom suggested she go see a tutor. But my sister has yet to even do that. The only thing I can hope for is the best. In situations like this that's all I usually do. My sister isn't me. So I can't live her life or control her. But I'm sure I look like someone who would be sitting off in the distance sighing and waiting for her to understand it! lol I would say "Finally! You got it!"
In a way I find life lessons like this. Oh! And also I had this thought recently....um......well, I forgot it. It was very interesting and I wish I would have wrote it down.
Well anyways, I've kind of found a way to remember things.Both physical things and remembering things. With physical things I found that most of the time (and I'll only speak from my experience) I would place things down without being aware of what I'm doing. I realized if I place my awareness on where I'm placing something, it's easier to find. But I'm guessing this was simple. But when in a rush, it could be something I would forget to do.
With mental things I found that I can't force myself to remember something. It's like I would have to ask the question and get out of my sight. Like what I'm seeing. Because my sight would distract me. Hm...I can only explain it as daydreaming. For the most part I've never consciously daydreamed, and it was never daydreaming, it was just me staring off and my head is completely blank...of images.
That's the kind of thing I would have to do with remembering things. Such as what I typed above, about remembering something interesting I wanted to type here. I tried doing that dozing thing but it didn't work. So I don't feel like remembering it now.
Also the bathroom smells like fresh clean laundry!! Do you know how happy I was that it smelt that way! I love that smell! I love aromatherapy. I also read that mildew could cause depression. I'm running a tiny test. The house was quite untidy, but I'm running a test. I cleaned because I wanted to test out my sister and mom's mood based on the state of the house. When the house was messy it didn't seem so friendly. So now that I've cleaned the house a little I will check to see what changes occur. I still have a bit more cleaning to do though.
Oh! I also cleaned the basement a bit too. Mainly where the cats are. They roam around more.
Hm...one thing I have notice about the cleanliness of the living room and kitchen is that when it's just been clean they'll put things back where they're suppose to be. For example, I just realized the stuff my mom bought, she placed it neatly on this little table thing.
Oh! One more thing, I watched Sherlock Holmes 2! *smiles* Ahhhh~ Robert Downey Jr.! He's sooo handsome to me!!♥
Anyways, I really like him in that movie. I like Sherlock Holmes. I never read the books, but I do like how observant he is!! *O* I was very amazed. I would like to be the way he is.
I also like Robert in the movie Iron Man :3 I watched Iron Man and Avengers because he was in it. I really like the movie Avengers. In the past I had a disliking for all things Marvel. The comics were annoying. I know it's a biased behavior lol but I didn't like them at all. Not even the movies. But I'm telling myself to give things a try and stop behaving like that!
In the end, I really like the movies. Even if I think the way I do. But it's because it's a habit. And all habits can be counter-attacked with new habits.
So my advice today would be believe in yourself. Don't let your words defeat the goal you've set in front of yourself. It may be hard, but it becomes easier. Really trust me on this! I'm not just speaking out of the side of my neck. I'm living it, and so can you~♪
Mon
And then halfway through you'd probably be thinking "urgh! This is taking forever,when will it end?!"
And then towards the end you would be looking back and saying "wow....that wasn't so bad. It seemed like such a short time!"
Well, that's how I feel lol
This is my finally full week of online classes. It doesn't feel like I started in October. But it will feel strange to start going to class again because I haven't been there is a few months.
Anyways, I'm passing both of my classes with a B. My Biology grad went down because of this assignment I didn't quite understand. I was highly upset >_< because I had an A. But hey, I've never been the kind of person to be upset over the fact that my grade went from an A to a B. But I am quite determined to get both of my grades to an A.
For physics I'm at a 86.59% and for Biology I'm at a 89.44%. Which I believe I can easily get an A in Biology if I focus on it a bit more. But I started focusing on Physics because I had a C in this class and I wanted to raise it.
Anyways, I remember I did get in a dispute with my younger sister about something like this. She doesn't have a lot of confidence when it comes to passing classes.Maybe I was too hard on her. But I'm a huge believer in if someone can do something, so can I. It just means I have to practice and train at it. It's either I can or I can't. There is no in between for me.
Anyways, she dropped one of her class. Although I didn't agree with it, I didn't say anything. They told her if she drops another class she will be on probation. And that happened to me. So that's why I didn't agree with her dropping this class. I would keep telling her "you have to work hard" and she would say "I am" and I would say "then you'll have to work harder than you were" and she would say "I can't do it" and I would tell her "you can't do it with that attitude."
Mainly I was scolding her because I'm doing exactly what I'm instructing her to do. But I gave up talking to her. It's like this, if you think that way it will be that way. You will feel that way.That thought will manifest itself into your reality, into your mind. And it would seem as so.
The reason my sister feels this way is because (she explained this to me many times) she finds certain subjects very difficult. Math is definitely not her strong suit. Which is understandable. I get that. However she's gonna need to pass math to continue with her college education, it cannot be avoided. So I told her that math is simply a skill, and like any skill it needs to be learnt and repeated to understand it.
For example, I forgot how to change a whole number into a decimal lol it's elementary math. But for someone like me who hasn't taken a math class in a while, or who's only done things using letters and not numbers, it's easy to forget it.
But anyways, when I talk to people such as my family, I come off as sounding mean of harsh, and I can hear this. But deep down inside it's only the truth I see. Such as with my sister's example. I could sit with her and continue to tell her I understand. Or I could give her suggestions. In the end, she'll have to pass math, even if it's with a C.
My sister has had a difficult time passing math test. I understand this. Math is not easy for some people. Even my mom suggested she go see a tutor. But my sister has yet to even do that. The only thing I can hope for is the best. In situations like this that's all I usually do. My sister isn't me. So I can't live her life or control her. But I'm sure I look like someone who would be sitting off in the distance sighing and waiting for her to understand it! lol I would say "Finally! You got it!"
In a way I find life lessons like this. Oh! And also I had this thought recently....um......well, I forgot it. It was very interesting and I wish I would have wrote it down.
Well anyways, I've kind of found a way to remember things.Both physical things and remembering things. With physical things I found that most of the time (and I'll only speak from my experience) I would place things down without being aware of what I'm doing. I realized if I place my awareness on where I'm placing something, it's easier to find. But I'm guessing this was simple. But when in a rush, it could be something I would forget to do.
With mental things I found that I can't force myself to remember something. It's like I would have to ask the question and get out of my sight. Like what I'm seeing. Because my sight would distract me. Hm...I can only explain it as daydreaming. For the most part I've never consciously daydreamed, and it was never daydreaming, it was just me staring off and my head is completely blank...of images.
That's the kind of thing I would have to do with remembering things. Such as what I typed above, about remembering something interesting I wanted to type here. I tried doing that dozing thing but it didn't work. So I don't feel like remembering it now.
Also the bathroom smells like fresh clean laundry!! Do you know how happy I was that it smelt that way! I love that smell! I love aromatherapy. I also read that mildew could cause depression. I'm running a tiny test. The house was quite untidy, but I'm running a test. I cleaned because I wanted to test out my sister and mom's mood based on the state of the house. When the house was messy it didn't seem so friendly. So now that I've cleaned the house a little I will check to see what changes occur. I still have a bit more cleaning to do though.
Oh! I also cleaned the basement a bit too. Mainly where the cats are. They roam around more.
Hm...one thing I have notice about the cleanliness of the living room and kitchen is that when it's just been clean they'll put things back where they're suppose to be. For example, I just realized the stuff my mom bought, she placed it neatly on this little table thing.
Oh! One more thing, I watched Sherlock Holmes 2! *smiles* Ahhhh~ Robert Downey Jr.! He's sooo handsome to me!!♥
Anyways, I really like him in that movie. I like Sherlock Holmes. I never read the books, but I do like how observant he is!! *O* I was very amazed. I would like to be the way he is.
I also like Robert in the movie Iron Man :3 I watched Iron Man and Avengers because he was in it. I really like the movie Avengers. In the past I had a disliking for all things Marvel. The comics were annoying. I know it's a biased behavior lol but I didn't like them at all. Not even the movies. But I'm telling myself to give things a try and stop behaving like that!
In the end, I really like the movies. Even if I think the way I do. But it's because it's a habit. And all habits can be counter-attacked with new habits.
So my advice today would be believe in yourself. Don't let your words defeat the goal you've set in front of yourself. It may be hard, but it becomes easier. Really trust me on this! I'm not just speaking out of the side of my neck. I'm living it, and so can you~♪
Mon
Friday, December 7, 2012
Heading to bed
I just finished! I really am happy with the results.
However I wasn't able to reach the ceiling .__. But I did spray it with this Lysol Bleach stuff! That stuff is great!
Later today I have two Physics assignments I have to do. This week is my finally full week! So I have to pull through and not half do anything. I've made it this far so I'm very happy.
G'night!
Mon
However I wasn't able to reach the ceiling .__. But I did spray it with this Lysol Bleach stuff! That stuff is great!
Later today I have two Physics assignments I have to do. This week is my finally full week! So I have to pull through and not half do anything. I've made it this far so I'm very happy.
G'night!
Mon
Thursday, December 6, 2012
She's losing her voice + Mildew Madness D:
HI!
Today I feel great! Although earlier I wasn't in such a great mood because of the thought of Christmas coming and I didn't have enough money to buy gifts. Well, my mom paid me back $70 dollars. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.
Well anyways, my mom just came in my room a while ago. D: Her voice is almost gone. I want to help her get her voice back. So I made her some peppermint tea :3
I love natural things.....maybe not food wise, but I really want to get into the whole natural everything kind of thing. Such as naturally grown vegetables and fruits. I have two herb books, and I would like to read them through someday. I only know one herbal medicine and that's hot water mixed with lemon and honey lol That's it because it's the most simple one. But it helps the throat....now that I think about it, maybe peppermint wasn't the best choice. I read somewhere that it could dry out the vocal chord. I'm not sure if that's true.
Now to the huge problem I'm about to tackle. *___* I'm so ready! So we have mildew in the bathroom. And it's like no one cares lol it's not just in one corner but all on the ceiling, in the bathtub, behind the toilet. I'm not sure when this happened, but it's been like this for a while. I'm irritated looking at it. But I guess since no one else will tackle it, I will. I don't have a healthy mask, so I'll just wrap a scarf over my face lol I used all my mask when my sister had the flu and came over to sleep.
Also I did a bit of shopping with my mom today.
I'm in the cleaning mood, so I thought why not surprise them in the morning with clean bathroom walls.
Hm...I've also realized we don't really have a lot of health aid products :/ They always come to me. Band Aids? They come to me. Rubbing alcohol? They come to me. haha Me and my older sister always carry the essentials. I buy aid products because their important. And can you believe we don't even have an emergency plan in case something happens >__> I plan these things on my own. I usually look up this information online.
Anyways, because medication can have severe side effects and may require some other kind of medication to counter-attack another kind of medication I'm a believer in natural healing if at all possible. I know sometimes medicine is crucial. I understand that part.
But I do remember a friend of mines telling me that pain relievers aren't good because it lowers our pain tolerance. Of course I played the devil's advocate with myself and placed myself in a situation where all created medicine was gone and all I could rely on is the natural ingredients. And I thought that I knew nothing at all.
I would really like to go to some country and learn how to use the land as best as I could. I mean after all, all that is created was created from earth. For example, for biology class I read that some medicine originated from soil.
What's a bit funny is I'm sure certain "people" wouldn't want normal people like us (what we might call ourselves in comparison to those "people") to know how to create these things for ourselves. I'm not sure when someone thought "I should make them ignorant, so that they can pay me for the knowledge they will never seek to have. And in return I give them a great living." But in reality, it's not so great. But that's how it is. Give us what we believe we truly need, and we wont' ask question. This seems to be the system. But there are people who question. But for the most part, their voices are as quiet as a sneaky mouse and no one really knows about them. And also, not many people may watch the news. I mean heck! Why watch the news when Vampire Diaries is on? :P
Well that's all for now. Time to tackle tat mildew! I fear taking a before picture because it's pretty bad *_* But I will not lose!
Mon
Today I feel great! Although earlier I wasn't in such a great mood because of the thought of Christmas coming and I didn't have enough money to buy gifts. Well, my mom paid me back $70 dollars. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.
Well anyways, my mom just came in my room a while ago. D: Her voice is almost gone. I want to help her get her voice back. So I made her some peppermint tea :3
I love natural things.....maybe not food wise, but I really want to get into the whole natural everything kind of thing. Such as naturally grown vegetables and fruits. I have two herb books, and I would like to read them through someday. I only know one herbal medicine and that's hot water mixed with lemon and honey lol That's it because it's the most simple one. But it helps the throat....now that I think about it, maybe peppermint wasn't the best choice. I read somewhere that it could dry out the vocal chord. I'm not sure if that's true.
Now to the huge problem I'm about to tackle. *___* I'm so ready! So we have mildew in the bathroom. And it's like no one cares lol it's not just in one corner but all on the ceiling, in the bathtub, behind the toilet. I'm not sure when this happened, but it's been like this for a while. I'm irritated looking at it. But I guess since no one else will tackle it, I will. I don't have a healthy mask, so I'll just wrap a scarf over my face lol I used all my mask when my sister had the flu and came over to sleep.
Also I did a bit of shopping with my mom today.
I'm in the cleaning mood, so I thought why not surprise them in the morning with clean bathroom walls.
Hm...I've also realized we don't really have a lot of health aid products :/ They always come to me. Band Aids? They come to me. Rubbing alcohol? They come to me. haha Me and my older sister always carry the essentials. I buy aid products because their important. And can you believe we don't even have an emergency plan in case something happens >__> I plan these things on my own. I usually look up this information online.
Anyways, because medication can have severe side effects and may require some other kind of medication to counter-attack another kind of medication I'm a believer in natural healing if at all possible. I know sometimes medicine is crucial. I understand that part.
But I do remember a friend of mines telling me that pain relievers aren't good because it lowers our pain tolerance. Of course I played the devil's advocate with myself and placed myself in a situation where all created medicine was gone and all I could rely on is the natural ingredients. And I thought that I knew nothing at all.
I would really like to go to some country and learn how to use the land as best as I could. I mean after all, all that is created was created from earth. For example, for biology class I read that some medicine originated from soil.
What's a bit funny is I'm sure certain "people" wouldn't want normal people like us (what we might call ourselves in comparison to those "people") to know how to create these things for ourselves. I'm not sure when someone thought "I should make them ignorant, so that they can pay me for the knowledge they will never seek to have. And in return I give them a great living." But in reality, it's not so great. But that's how it is. Give us what we believe we truly need, and we wont' ask question. This seems to be the system. But there are people who question. But for the most part, their voices are as quiet as a sneaky mouse and no one really knows about them. And also, not many people may watch the news. I mean heck! Why watch the news when Vampire Diaries is on? :P
Well that's all for now. Time to tackle tat mildew! I fear taking a before picture because it's pretty bad *_* But I will not lose!
Mon
12.06.12 My dream from earlier today
I almost forgot to type about my dream. Then after that I would like to talk a bit more about my dreams. I have this strange preconceived notion about my dreams.
Okay! So earlier today I had a dream about this very bad snowstorm. In the dream I was running with my sister (I think it was her). Anyways, we're running and it's very difficult to see. I don't think I was wearing a coat, but I wasn't cold. So the snow was coming down very hard and it was just amazing! So then suddenly, as we're running, we started to freeze. Seriously the ice was forming. And I remember us both running faster. we got away from the icy front. And behind us I could see this giant wall (almost like a sandstorm) of snow. It was like in a line straight across (horizontal) going down the streets. That was where the freezing icy cold snow was coming from. And wherever that horizontal cold line went, it froze things in it's path. I ended up flipping over and I didn't have that dream anymore.
So! I would like to talk about my dreams.
I realized that I enjoy taking naps and sleeping. I guess I know that it helps to keep my mind in check. It's the one place where my mind could wonder without distractions (sometimes). But I've had issues with them. Sometimes they would feel very real. Like if I were to get electrocuted in a dream, I would wake up shaking (seriously, it happened before). I've even woken up and bumped into my wall because I jump out of a dream before hahaha
Now I've read all about dreams. So I'm not so paranoid as before. However, they do kind of get to me sometimes.
I have recollections of feeling as if I'm talking to someone in my dreams. But I have no memories of them. It's just a feeling. During those times it would feel like I'm in a light sleep. Of course I don't tell anyone these things lol I'm not that crazy :P
As a child, I have this one dream in particular that I remember even to this day. I was in elementary (in the real life), but in this dream I remember it was snowing. My family and I use to stay in these apartments, so I was going to play out in the snow. The snow as very high (which is kind of normal to me because it's happened a few times in my life) and I was walking towards this opened circle area. There's a drain in this little circle (in real life. I still remember what this looked like. Me and my sisters and neighbors would play in these circles). So anyways, I'm heading towards this circle, but then I instantly realize that there are no other people around. It's just all white snow for miles, and it's quiet. I start to get nervous and I start to run back to the apartment. But then I feel something bit my leg! It's like a shark biting me! So I continue to run. And I know who it is. It's our family cat attacking my legs and he has these razor sharp teeth.
That dream was very scary to me. lol But now that I think about it, I can understand it a little. You see, as a kid me and my sister use to wear these footies (I hated those things so much lol) and whenever we would wear them, the bottom of them would make this scratching noise and the family cat would come out and attack our feet lol and me and my younger sister would run away.
So anyways, when I woke up from this dream I went to my mom's room and told her I had a dream the family cat was biting my legs. So she let me sleep in her room. But then as I'm laying there still afraid, I flip over and I start to see the faces of the dead President's in the blankets. So as I started to flatten the blankets I would see another face and another. It was dark in my mom's room lol I know now my eyes were playing tricks on me. But now I wonder "why the President's faces??" And why the heck would I assume they were the President's faces? lol But at the time that's what I thought it was. I remember that time so well.
My eyes have always seemed to play tricks on me. In a way I think this is what caused me to feel different. It's like I know I'm seeing things, it's nothing paranormal, it's just my eyes or my imagination.
Like I remember this one time, this was about a 2 or 3 years ago.
I was sitting in the backseat the car. And I remember just staring out the window. I don't think I was feeling anything at the time. I was just chilling. So anyways this man in this car pulls up to the side of our car to turn (he was making a turn to the right and we were going straight), and his face freaked me out so much *__* Okay, it wasn't that major because I didn't scream or react in a strange way. But anyways, his face had changed. It looked very demonic and evil. I just had to blink, but he had turned already.
I remember just looking ahead and waiting for my mom to finish her conversation. Then I told her what I saw.
I've also seen a Native American man running through the forest as we were driving by it. It was....hm...I don't know how to explain it. But we were driving by some trees and it seemed like the trees were moving quite fast (it was normal speed if I were to stand outside of the car). Anyways, I saw this Native American man running through the woods with his bow and arrow. I didn't tell anyone about this.
What's interesting about these things is the time. Time seems to go by slower when I see them, but it only last a few seconds.
Hm...in honesty, I stopped thinking about all those things like being a psychic or seer or anything like that. It was way annoying. I do think we all have some kind of special ability. But I've come to realize that somehow if I just go with things than it's not wrong. It's like riding a line even though I'm making the choices.
Anyways, before when I would think about those things I would over think them. So I just stopped :/ It was driving me nuts to be truthfully honest lol I would seriously sit and tell myself "I want to stop looking these kinds of things up. I want to go back to the way I was" things like that.
I don't know if I've grown at all to be honest. Well, I don't feel like I'm sitting in the same place anymore. You know that feeling where you feel like you're just sitting, but you're still moving in physical reality? That's the feeling I don't like. It makes me feel unproductive.
Even though I'm getting through school, I still have no idea what I actually want to do job-wise. I do have a lot of things I want to do as far as building things etc. But I think to myself "how the heck will I get to that point?" During times like that I would feel unproductive. But I don't think I have to go overboard like I think I do. It's like just do what I have to do now and stop worrying about things like that.
I guess I get overly excited. Kind of like when a kid is looking under the Christmas tree and they are anticipating what might be in the gift. D: The wait is sooo cruel! I just wonder if I will be okay. I guess that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. If I work on what I have to now, I shouldn't have too many problems later. It's like "don't let your work pile up."
I think if I'm sincere in who I am, I'll be okay. Hm....being honest about my feelings is a different story. I can talk about what I think about a situation, but trying to explain my feelings to someone makes me a little uncomfortable. I would start to get antsy because I'm not sure if they'll understand what I'm feeling. I know I can't expect people to understand, I know people will judge my feelings too. But some people can just be so cruel. >__> My birth chart says I have to work on not taking these kinds of things to heart.
What's strange is that if someone says I can't do something that I want to do, I won't listen to them because it's what I want to do. I often put a lot of thought into things. Anyways, I'm not sure what the problem is when it comes to this. It's like if I tried to tell someone about a dream I had, I would feel uncomfortable, depending on the dream. Like if I really wanted to talk about what I said above, about feeling like I talk to someone while I'm sleeping, I get uncomfortable. Mainly because I know that it's not common and there are all kinds of accusations out there.
But hey, when I think of people who saw things, such as Jesus :3 I feel better. I say "I'm not strange!"
I also cheer myself up by saying things like "you could be that extra voice with the others that are trying to show others that they can speak up about what they feel!"
Then that would compel me to speak up. I get less nervous. If I can do something to help to get people to live as who they are, if it means I have to be completely me no matter what people think, than I'm happy.
I'm sure if I told people who know me this they might think "what the heck are you talking about? Are you saying you don't act like yourself?"
In a way I feel like multiple me's. It's like the happy me, the sad me, the angry me, the me that get irritated. I know those are emotions, but I feel like they are multiple me's. And beyond those other me's is the me that I'm talking about. That's the one I'm trying to bring to the forefront. You see what I mean?
In a classroom scenario I'm sure people would have started to ridicule me.That's fine, but do it in your head. I don't just come to conclusions the way I do for no reason. I base them off of some kind of experience, things I've picked up on from life.
I'm speaking from experience when I say things like "don't ridicule me", I care, but at the same time I say that that is that person's thoughts, y'know. Hm...it's hard to explain. It's like I care, but I don't care what other people say. If I work this hard to bring myself forward, why should I push myself back because someone thinks I'm silly.
But I have found people think the way I think is interesting. Hm...I'm happy, but personally I don't know if I would call it interesting. In the end, I want people to know who I am. I would like to show people that it's fine being who you are, even if it's a bit different from what people think is "normal".
This is why I like Gackt as a person! People have called him "strange", and he even said himself that if he had to describe himself in one word he would say he's an "eccentric."
I was happy! Not because he called himself an eccentric, but because he never stopped. He kept going. He was pretty shy in the beginning, but he's more opened now. He's also had times in his life that were difficult. And I understand this. What makes me more happy is he is a Cancer too! *grin* Cancer's FTW!
Although it's kind of tough being a Cancer, I think it's still pretty awesome. :3 I'm happy to have been born in the same month as him. And I can understand him. I even had a friend in high school who was also a Cancer. ^__^ We got along very very well. He didn't think I was strange. Even if I looked at my hand and said "who's eyes am I looking through right now?" he would just laugh and say "what?" and tell me to stop lol then we'd talk about something else. *sighs* that was my awesome brother(for fun). We were born on the same day and the same year.
Just knowing I've met another Cancer makes me happy lol And sometimes when I'm too happy I have to stop. I would seriously get serious with myself and tell myself to stop lol Mainly because I would want to hug the person, and second I would start asking them questions. I like being happy, but I don't like being overly happy lol
Anyways, that's all for now. It's almost 5 a.m. @__@
Well, if you read all of this, or even a little, scrolled down (just to see what I wrote down here), I want to say "thanks!!"
I'm not sure how interesting my entries are. To me it's just me ranting and clearing my head.
Oh! Also I've been continuing with my manga :3 I've only been working on a few pages. I only got one page inked in lol I wonder if animation is really for me lol I mean drawing everyday. But then again, I think it's because I have a lot on my mind without a clear path, that may be why I can't really draw a lot like I use too. Recently it seems very tedious.
Well, I have to go now. I'm not sleepy...I think, well, my body may be tired, but my mind is wide awake!
So I'll type something else soon.
......
My journal went from talking about a dream to talking about....who-knows-what
Mon
Okay! So earlier today I had a dream about this very bad snowstorm. In the dream I was running with my sister (I think it was her). Anyways, we're running and it's very difficult to see. I don't think I was wearing a coat, but I wasn't cold. So the snow was coming down very hard and it was just amazing! So then suddenly, as we're running, we started to freeze. Seriously the ice was forming. And I remember us both running faster. we got away from the icy front. And behind us I could see this giant wall (almost like a sandstorm) of snow. It was like in a line straight across (horizontal) going down the streets. That was where the freezing icy cold snow was coming from. And wherever that horizontal cold line went, it froze things in it's path. I ended up flipping over and I didn't have that dream anymore.
So! I would like to talk about my dreams.
I realized that I enjoy taking naps and sleeping. I guess I know that it helps to keep my mind in check. It's the one place where my mind could wonder without distractions (sometimes). But I've had issues with them. Sometimes they would feel very real. Like if I were to get electrocuted in a dream, I would wake up shaking (seriously, it happened before). I've even woken up and bumped into my wall because I jump out of a dream before hahaha
Now I've read all about dreams. So I'm not so paranoid as before. However, they do kind of get to me sometimes.
I have recollections of feeling as if I'm talking to someone in my dreams. But I have no memories of them. It's just a feeling. During those times it would feel like I'm in a light sleep. Of course I don't tell anyone these things lol I'm not that crazy :P
As a child, I have this one dream in particular that I remember even to this day. I was in elementary (in the real life), but in this dream I remember it was snowing. My family and I use to stay in these apartments, so I was going to play out in the snow. The snow as very high (which is kind of normal to me because it's happened a few times in my life) and I was walking towards this opened circle area. There's a drain in this little circle (in real life. I still remember what this looked like. Me and my sisters and neighbors would play in these circles). So anyways, I'm heading towards this circle, but then I instantly realize that there are no other people around. It's just all white snow for miles, and it's quiet. I start to get nervous and I start to run back to the apartment. But then I feel something bit my leg! It's like a shark biting me! So I continue to run. And I know who it is. It's our family cat attacking my legs and he has these razor sharp teeth.
That dream was very scary to me. lol But now that I think about it, I can understand it a little. You see, as a kid me and my sister use to wear these footies (I hated those things so much lol) and whenever we would wear them, the bottom of them would make this scratching noise and the family cat would come out and attack our feet lol and me and my younger sister would run away.
So anyways, when I woke up from this dream I went to my mom's room and told her I had a dream the family cat was biting my legs. So she let me sleep in her room. But then as I'm laying there still afraid, I flip over and I start to see the faces of the dead President's in the blankets. So as I started to flatten the blankets I would see another face and another. It was dark in my mom's room lol I know now my eyes were playing tricks on me. But now I wonder "why the President's faces??" And why the heck would I assume they were the President's faces? lol But at the time that's what I thought it was. I remember that time so well.
My eyes have always seemed to play tricks on me. In a way I think this is what caused me to feel different. It's like I know I'm seeing things, it's nothing paranormal, it's just my eyes or my imagination.
Like I remember this one time, this was about a 2 or 3 years ago.
I was sitting in the backseat the car. And I remember just staring out the window. I don't think I was feeling anything at the time. I was just chilling. So anyways this man in this car pulls up to the side of our car to turn (he was making a turn to the right and we were going straight), and his face freaked me out so much *__* Okay, it wasn't that major because I didn't scream or react in a strange way. But anyways, his face had changed. It looked very demonic and evil. I just had to blink, but he had turned already.
I remember just looking ahead and waiting for my mom to finish her conversation. Then I told her what I saw.
I've also seen a Native American man running through the forest as we were driving by it. It was....hm...I don't know how to explain it. But we were driving by some trees and it seemed like the trees were moving quite fast (it was normal speed if I were to stand outside of the car). Anyways, I saw this Native American man running through the woods with his bow and arrow. I didn't tell anyone about this.
What's interesting about these things is the time. Time seems to go by slower when I see them, but it only last a few seconds.
Hm...in honesty, I stopped thinking about all those things like being a psychic or seer or anything like that. It was way annoying. I do think we all have some kind of special ability. But I've come to realize that somehow if I just go with things than it's not wrong. It's like riding a line even though I'm making the choices.
Anyways, before when I would think about those things I would over think them. So I just stopped :/ It was driving me nuts to be truthfully honest lol I would seriously sit and tell myself "I want to stop looking these kinds of things up. I want to go back to the way I was" things like that.
I don't know if I've grown at all to be honest. Well, I don't feel like I'm sitting in the same place anymore. You know that feeling where you feel like you're just sitting, but you're still moving in physical reality? That's the feeling I don't like. It makes me feel unproductive.
Even though I'm getting through school, I still have no idea what I actually want to do job-wise. I do have a lot of things I want to do as far as building things etc. But I think to myself "how the heck will I get to that point?" During times like that I would feel unproductive. But I don't think I have to go overboard like I think I do. It's like just do what I have to do now and stop worrying about things like that.
I guess I get overly excited. Kind of like when a kid is looking under the Christmas tree and they are anticipating what might be in the gift. D: The wait is sooo cruel! I just wonder if I will be okay. I guess that's why I'm doing what I'm doing. If I work on what I have to now, I shouldn't have too many problems later. It's like "don't let your work pile up."
I think if I'm sincere in who I am, I'll be okay. Hm....being honest about my feelings is a different story. I can talk about what I think about a situation, but trying to explain my feelings to someone makes me a little uncomfortable. I would start to get antsy because I'm not sure if they'll understand what I'm feeling. I know I can't expect people to understand, I know people will judge my feelings too. But some people can just be so cruel. >__> My birth chart says I have to work on not taking these kinds of things to heart.
What's strange is that if someone says I can't do something that I want to do, I won't listen to them because it's what I want to do. I often put a lot of thought into things. Anyways, I'm not sure what the problem is when it comes to this. It's like if I tried to tell someone about a dream I had, I would feel uncomfortable, depending on the dream. Like if I really wanted to talk about what I said above, about feeling like I talk to someone while I'm sleeping, I get uncomfortable. Mainly because I know that it's not common and there are all kinds of accusations out there.
But hey, when I think of people who saw things, such as Jesus :3 I feel better. I say "I'm not strange!"
I also cheer myself up by saying things like "you could be that extra voice with the others that are trying to show others that they can speak up about what they feel!"
Then that would compel me to speak up. I get less nervous. If I can do something to help to get people to live as who they are, if it means I have to be completely me no matter what people think, than I'm happy.
I'm sure if I told people who know me this they might think "what the heck are you talking about? Are you saying you don't act like yourself?"
In a way I feel like multiple me's. It's like the happy me, the sad me, the angry me, the me that get irritated. I know those are emotions, but I feel like they are multiple me's. And beyond those other me's is the me that I'm talking about. That's the one I'm trying to bring to the forefront. You see what I mean?
In a classroom scenario I'm sure people would have started to ridicule me.That's fine, but do it in your head. I don't just come to conclusions the way I do for no reason. I base them off of some kind of experience, things I've picked up on from life.
I'm speaking from experience when I say things like "don't ridicule me", I care, but at the same time I say that that is that person's thoughts, y'know. Hm...it's hard to explain. It's like I care, but I don't care what other people say. If I work this hard to bring myself forward, why should I push myself back because someone thinks I'm silly.
But I have found people think the way I think is interesting. Hm...I'm happy, but personally I don't know if I would call it interesting. In the end, I want people to know who I am. I would like to show people that it's fine being who you are, even if it's a bit different from what people think is "normal".
This is why I like Gackt as a person! People have called him "strange", and he even said himself that if he had to describe himself in one word he would say he's an "eccentric."
I was happy! Not because he called himself an eccentric, but because he never stopped. He kept going. He was pretty shy in the beginning, but he's more opened now. He's also had times in his life that were difficult. And I understand this. What makes me more happy is he is a Cancer too! *grin* Cancer's FTW!
Although it's kind of tough being a Cancer, I think it's still pretty awesome. :3 I'm happy to have been born in the same month as him. And I can understand him. I even had a friend in high school who was also a Cancer. ^__^ We got along very very well. He didn't think I was strange. Even if I looked at my hand and said "who's eyes am I looking through right now?" he would just laugh and say "what?" and tell me to stop lol then we'd talk about something else. *sighs* that was my awesome brother(for fun). We were born on the same day and the same year.
Just knowing I've met another Cancer makes me happy lol And sometimes when I'm too happy I have to stop. I would seriously get serious with myself and tell myself to stop lol Mainly because I would want to hug the person, and second I would start asking them questions. I like being happy, but I don't like being overly happy lol
Anyways, that's all for now. It's almost 5 a.m. @__@
Well, if you read all of this, or even a little, scrolled down (just to see what I wrote down here), I want to say "thanks!!"
I'm not sure how interesting my entries are. To me it's just me ranting and clearing my head.
Oh! Also I've been continuing with my manga :3 I've only been working on a few pages. I only got one page inked in lol I wonder if animation is really for me lol I mean drawing everyday. But then again, I think it's because I have a lot on my mind without a clear path, that may be why I can't really draw a lot like I use too. Recently it seems very tedious.
Well, I have to go now. I'm not sleepy...I think, well, my body may be tired, but my mind is wide awake!
So I'll type something else soon.
......
My journal went from talking about a dream to talking about....who-knows-what
Mon
Monday, December 3, 2012
Don't play into their ignorance
Playing into someone else's ignorant behavior if almost like climbing your own fence to jump into a dog fight that had nothing to do with me.
Hi!
That thought just came to my mind, so I typed it. It made me chuckle. Hm...do I have issues like this? Hm...in the past I have situations where I felt the need to defend all of my thoughts if no one agreed. But lately I find it easier and easier to deal with. Just let what the other person say, just flow right past your face and right into the wall.
It's okay to take a stand for things that you are really passionate about. But only if you truly know what you're talking about. However, if the situation goes nowhere but back and fourth, I recommend just letting it be. Sometimes some people have a head of stone that even water couldn't break down.
Some people just feel like they're right about everything. Just let them have their glory. Personally, what makes me feel better in situations like this (because yes I do fee defeated at times like those) is to just think of the situation in a different light. When certain people behave a certain way I see a child in them. I stop being mad instantly and I would think "how would I deal with this situation with a child?"
For the most part, I think people become so annoyed that they can't control themselves. For instance, when I worked at the school I attended, there would always be the one older person who would get angry. They would sound very childish, but I would wonder how I could make things a little bit easier for them. I mean, why make it more difficult? In the end, we would end up talking and they would tell me about their day.
Once a lady wanted to fight another lady who she accused of stealing her print card. I just bought her another one. No use arguing about it. And if I had something to help the situation, why not use it.
However, sometimes certain things aren't that easy. Sometimes people get angry and want to just be rude and disruptive. These are the troublemakers. They are the ones who want to see what you're made of because, chances are, they are just bored and can't sit still.
I've had only one of these recently. But because I was working I was able to call security on him. I always tried to avoid doing something like that, but I know when enough is enough.
But when it comes to someone trying to tell you about who you are, and you know who you are, don't buy into it. When you are confident in yourself and you know who you are, it's easy to know when to correct someone, and when not too. Also, if you know who you are, I understand wanting to correct someone's perception of you, but at the end of the day ask yourself "do I want to be friend with this person?" because to me, that would be the only reason you'd want to give someone who you don't know, the time of day to explain anything about yourself.
That's what people do when they want to create a friendship. Some people just try to get under someone's skin. I'm use to hearing "it's because their insecure, don't let them bother you" but that statement is become overrated.
So I say, if you want to be a friend of that person, sure try to correct them, but if a person will give you that much trouble to just befriend them, why waste all that energy and effort on nothing.
Is my logic off? I'm not sure.
But I've certainly learned from those tough 4 years of high school that it's tough when you're stuck in a classroom with people who are just out to get you. To those people in situations like that, yes, I did the ditching thing. I told teachers and they did nothing but make the situation worse. It never got so extreme to physical bullying, but my advise to those dealing with situations like those, yes, if it's physical bullying, get away. You're no coward. It's your life that's being threatened. If it's verbal, it hurts all the same. But that's only if you believe what's being said. Don't! The people who say things about you don't know anything about you. And it's not worth getting violent either.
Understand that those things do make you stronger. I've been through the verbal abuse. It's no joke, I know. But if I can make it through, so can you. And that's what I want to stress. Yes we all have different levels of tolerance, but just keep trying your best. Find the best options for you, but don't ever let their words cause you to harm yourself.
You are special. You are lovely. Yes you may have flaws and you may not be like everyone else. But, I will say that I'm sure there are people out there just like me who like people who are different. I personally love those kinds of people! They are the flowers which paint our worlds.
You're an interesting person. Find yourself beyond what people think of you. Find the love in yourself. Find something about yourself you absolutely love! Find a hobby you enjoy. Join a club or do something you like. 9 times out of 10 you will find people who like that same thing. There ya go, an interest buddy!
When you feel like giving up, don't look down, look up. You'll find something new. Maybe even a bird that's finally learn to fly on it's own.
I believe the best thing a person could do is to try.
I don't expect people to be perfect. I know people have flaws. It's what you do with those flaws (not physical) that makes the difference. Don't let your flaws overthrow you. They are the "flaws" you are the person who control those things.
Mon
Hi!
That thought just came to my mind, so I typed it. It made me chuckle. Hm...do I have issues like this? Hm...in the past I have situations where I felt the need to defend all of my thoughts if no one agreed. But lately I find it easier and easier to deal with. Just let what the other person say, just flow right past your face and right into the wall.
It's okay to take a stand for things that you are really passionate about. But only if you truly know what you're talking about. However, if the situation goes nowhere but back and fourth, I recommend just letting it be. Sometimes some people have a head of stone that even water couldn't break down.
Some people just feel like they're right about everything. Just let them have their glory. Personally, what makes me feel better in situations like this (because yes I do fee defeated at times like those) is to just think of the situation in a different light. When certain people behave a certain way I see a child in them. I stop being mad instantly and I would think "how would I deal with this situation with a child?"
For the most part, I think people become so annoyed that they can't control themselves. For instance, when I worked at the school I attended, there would always be the one older person who would get angry. They would sound very childish, but I would wonder how I could make things a little bit easier for them. I mean, why make it more difficult? In the end, we would end up talking and they would tell me about their day.
Once a lady wanted to fight another lady who she accused of stealing her print card. I just bought her another one. No use arguing about it. And if I had something to help the situation, why not use it.
However, sometimes certain things aren't that easy. Sometimes people get angry and want to just be rude and disruptive. These are the troublemakers. They are the ones who want to see what you're made of because, chances are, they are just bored and can't sit still.
I've had only one of these recently. But because I was working I was able to call security on him. I always tried to avoid doing something like that, but I know when enough is enough.
But when it comes to someone trying to tell you about who you are, and you know who you are, don't buy into it. When you are confident in yourself and you know who you are, it's easy to know when to correct someone, and when not too. Also, if you know who you are, I understand wanting to correct someone's perception of you, but at the end of the day ask yourself "do I want to be friend with this person?" because to me, that would be the only reason you'd want to give someone who you don't know, the time of day to explain anything about yourself.
That's what people do when they want to create a friendship. Some people just try to get under someone's skin. I'm use to hearing "it's because their insecure, don't let them bother you" but that statement is become overrated.
So I say, if you want to be a friend of that person, sure try to correct them, but if a person will give you that much trouble to just befriend them, why waste all that energy and effort on nothing.
Is my logic off? I'm not sure.
But I've certainly learned from those tough 4 years of high school that it's tough when you're stuck in a classroom with people who are just out to get you. To those people in situations like that, yes, I did the ditching thing. I told teachers and they did nothing but make the situation worse. It never got so extreme to physical bullying, but my advise to those dealing with situations like those, yes, if it's physical bullying, get away. You're no coward. It's your life that's being threatened. If it's verbal, it hurts all the same. But that's only if you believe what's being said. Don't! The people who say things about you don't know anything about you. And it's not worth getting violent either.
Understand that those things do make you stronger. I've been through the verbal abuse. It's no joke, I know. But if I can make it through, so can you. And that's what I want to stress. Yes we all have different levels of tolerance, but just keep trying your best. Find the best options for you, but don't ever let their words cause you to harm yourself.
You are special. You are lovely. Yes you may have flaws and you may not be like everyone else. But, I will say that I'm sure there are people out there just like me who like people who are different. I personally love those kinds of people! They are the flowers which paint our worlds.
You're an interesting person. Find yourself beyond what people think of you. Find the love in yourself. Find something about yourself you absolutely love! Find a hobby you enjoy. Join a club or do something you like. 9 times out of 10 you will find people who like that same thing. There ya go, an interest buddy!
When you feel like giving up, don't look down, look up. You'll find something new. Maybe even a bird that's finally learn to fly on it's own.
I believe the best thing a person could do is to try.
I don't expect people to be perfect. I know people have flaws. It's what you do with those flaws (not physical) that makes the difference. Don't let your flaws overthrow you. They are the "flaws" you are the person who control those things.
Mon
A good day for me
Hi~~~~
I'm still working on my paper....kind of. I did get most of it done, but now I'm watching videos on youtube when I suddenly thought "what would my perfect day be like?"
Well, it would start off like this. No alarm clock blaring in my ear! First and foremost. An absolute No-No. Also no loud talking or loud noises. *smiles* Ahhh~~ The peacefulness.
Then I'd eat, get dressed or whatever. The thing is, first thing in the morning, I don't talk much at all. I'm usually enjoying the morning.
Then I'd like to grab a latte or something. And if the weather if at about 70 degrees, I would be super happy. One of those days where the wind is very gentle. I would sit outside at a park or something and enjoy my latte and watching swans in the lake or something.
Then I'd hit the bookstore. I love the peacefulness in bookstores. I actually spent 2 hours in a bookstore once. There's just so many books out there!
Then I'd come home to enjoy a nice hot bath with some bath soak, bubbles and incense or candles *__* Can you say "OH YEAH!" because that's how I would be feeling.
Strange enough I would probably try to get some work done. But with a day like that, I'm willing to lend a ear for whoever.
Oh! And a great meal would be something different. I really like a certain kind of sushi. So that would be cool.
I also like shopping for home decor. *__* It's my favorite thing. But since I'm still (sadly) staying with my mom, I've only bought small things or received things as a gift. Such as cups, tea kettles, things like that.
But I like stylish stuff. But I like rooms to have a theme as well. I'm quite an organizer and I don't like small rooms. I have a load of clothes (which I still have to go through).
But if I had the storage, I'm super tidy.
Hm...I went from talking about my perfect day to talking about things I like.
Oh! And I also found out from my older sister that my mom was upset with me and said that if I go to my sister's house again, she doesn't want me coming back.
Honestly, this is the second time my mom has said that. The first time was when she was trying to force me to clean up her mess in the kitchen and I told her that I'm not her maid. My mom has this habit of thinking that because I'm her child, she can just force me to do things. I don't like that. I would definitely respect her more, if she wouldn't talk like I was some kind of inanimate object or an animal. I have feelings!
Anyways, I'll be going to my sister's house tomorrow evening. My mom hasn't said anything. But seriously all of the things she's saying doesn't make me want to stay around when I leave. I've had enough of it seemingly like I'm unimportant or just gum on the ground. I know my worth, and I know when someone's trying to make me feel unworthy. Like I can't do anything.
So I have another application. And I'll work on my resume tomorrow. I will get this job!! *__* I already sent in an application to the 2 places I would really like to work at. I will keep trying because I'm sure I could tolerate that kind of job above all else.
Personally I don't dislike my mom, I just dislike the things she says sometimes. She doesn't like for people to disagree with her. But anyways, I do care a lot for my mom. But I feel that she needs some time away from me. So fine whatever. I don't feel bitter about that. At the end of the day, there will be days when I'm off and away and she won't have to worry about things such as me.
But on a happier note, I'm kind of looking forward to the future. I'm a little antsy, but I'm looking forward to it. Mostly what I'm looking forward to are the happy days lol those difficult days could go kick rocks!
But of course I wonder what my life will be like. I'm sure I'll find my true passion in life above all else. Hm...as for sharing my life with someone. I don't know. To me, I don't see that as being completely important. But I would like to hangout at new places with people I know so we can experience it together.
Recently I'm having a tough time understanding that I don't have to feel insignificant being myself. But what's funny is no one seems to mind me being myself. Of course I don't say those kinds of things out loud. Like I don't ask people "is my hair okay?" or "Does this look okay on me?" because for one, I choose my clothes based on whether I think they look good on me. But it's more like I don't want to irritate people with my over the top behavior lol
For instance, I really like to play. I like to try to climb trees (but fail). I like things like playing in fountains or at the beach. But I get very nervous doing that around my friends. Mainly because one they'd be like "what's wrong with that nut?" and even though I say this, I don't stop being me. I just control my impulse to go running off and playing lol
Hm....so maybe I don't have an issue lol It's more like, I have strong impulses to do certain things, like start to sing out in the open, or on the train, but I'd stop myself out of respect to the other people who are driving the train.
Well, I just talked about 3 different things in this one post.
But I have to say my entries aren't as long as they use to be. ^^ I also find that this helps me to stick to one topic when chatting. So in many ways it helps me out. Not just venting.
Mon
I'm still working on my paper....kind of. I did get most of it done, but now I'm watching videos on youtube when I suddenly thought "what would my perfect day be like?"
Well, it would start off like this. No alarm clock blaring in my ear! First and foremost. An absolute No-No. Also no loud talking or loud noises. *smiles* Ahhh~~ The peacefulness.
Then I'd eat, get dressed or whatever. The thing is, first thing in the morning, I don't talk much at all. I'm usually enjoying the morning.
Then I'd like to grab a latte or something. And if the weather if at about 70 degrees, I would be super happy. One of those days where the wind is very gentle. I would sit outside at a park or something and enjoy my latte and watching swans in the lake or something.
Then I'd hit the bookstore. I love the peacefulness in bookstores. I actually spent 2 hours in a bookstore once. There's just so many books out there!
Then I'd come home to enjoy a nice hot bath with some bath soak, bubbles and incense or candles *__* Can you say "OH YEAH!" because that's how I would be feeling.
Strange enough I would probably try to get some work done. But with a day like that, I'm willing to lend a ear for whoever.
Oh! And a great meal would be something different. I really like a certain kind of sushi. So that would be cool.
I also like shopping for home decor. *__* It's my favorite thing. But since I'm still (sadly) staying with my mom, I've only bought small things or received things as a gift. Such as cups, tea kettles, things like that.
But I like stylish stuff. But I like rooms to have a theme as well. I'm quite an organizer and I don't like small rooms. I have a load of clothes (which I still have to go through).
But if I had the storage, I'm super tidy.
Hm...I went from talking about my perfect day to talking about things I like.
Oh! And I also found out from my older sister that my mom was upset with me and said that if I go to my sister's house again, she doesn't want me coming back.
Honestly, this is the second time my mom has said that. The first time was when she was trying to force me to clean up her mess in the kitchen and I told her that I'm not her maid. My mom has this habit of thinking that because I'm her child, she can just force me to do things. I don't like that. I would definitely respect her more, if she wouldn't talk like I was some kind of inanimate object or an animal. I have feelings!
Anyways, I'll be going to my sister's house tomorrow evening. My mom hasn't said anything. But seriously all of the things she's saying doesn't make me want to stay around when I leave. I've had enough of it seemingly like I'm unimportant or just gum on the ground. I know my worth, and I know when someone's trying to make me feel unworthy. Like I can't do anything.
So I have another application. And I'll work on my resume tomorrow. I will get this job!! *__* I already sent in an application to the 2 places I would really like to work at. I will keep trying because I'm sure I could tolerate that kind of job above all else.
Personally I don't dislike my mom, I just dislike the things she says sometimes. She doesn't like for people to disagree with her. But anyways, I do care a lot for my mom. But I feel that she needs some time away from me. So fine whatever. I don't feel bitter about that. At the end of the day, there will be days when I'm off and away and she won't have to worry about things such as me.
But on a happier note, I'm kind of looking forward to the future. I'm a little antsy, but I'm looking forward to it. Mostly what I'm looking forward to are the happy days lol those difficult days could go kick rocks!
But of course I wonder what my life will be like. I'm sure I'll find my true passion in life above all else. Hm...as for sharing my life with someone. I don't know. To me, I don't see that as being completely important. But I would like to hangout at new places with people I know so we can experience it together.
Recently I'm having a tough time understanding that I don't have to feel insignificant being myself. But what's funny is no one seems to mind me being myself. Of course I don't say those kinds of things out loud. Like I don't ask people "is my hair okay?" or "Does this look okay on me?" because for one, I choose my clothes based on whether I think they look good on me. But it's more like I don't want to irritate people with my over the top behavior lol
For instance, I really like to play. I like to try to climb trees (but fail). I like things like playing in fountains or at the beach. But I get very nervous doing that around my friends. Mainly because one they'd be like "what's wrong with that nut?" and even though I say this, I don't stop being me. I just control my impulse to go running off and playing lol
Hm....so maybe I don't have an issue lol It's more like, I have strong impulses to do certain things, like start to sing out in the open, or on the train, but I'd stop myself out of respect to the other people who are driving the train.
Well, I just talked about 3 different things in this one post.
But I have to say my entries aren't as long as they use to be. ^^ I also find that this helps me to stick to one topic when chatting. So in many ways it helps me out. Not just venting.
Mon
Sunday, December 2, 2012
The hardest part is taking the first step
Hi!
I decided to write here. Maybe it will help me get going on this assignment. I have this lab report for my Biology class that I have to do. It's not due until 12 midnight tomorrow, but I really want to finish it today!
But I'm having a difficult time starting. It's always this way.
But once I get started, it becomes easier. I guess it's a matter of knowing where to began.
I think this applies to a few things in life. When we will completely stuck and we don't know where to start. We have an idea of where we want to get to but since we're far from our goal, it seems impossible.
But I don't think it is. I think that's the thought that comes with not having what you need at that very moment. If you want to cook a pie but you don't have the ingredients, you go to the store right? That's the thought "I want to...." Then when you get to the store, that's the tricky part. "What should I buy first?" "Could this be on sell at another store?"
It's a simple example, and I don't know if people go through all of this debating. But if you wanted to make a pie to satisfy your sweet tooth, or for the holiday, would you just toss the whole plan aside because you're not sure where to start? Of course not! Especially if it's something you want.
The same thing applied. Now let me tell you, I would have people say "it's not the same thing!" if I were to use that example. But it is. It's just he situation isn't as severe as making a lifestyle choice. Shopping is such a small thing. TO YOU.
But take for example a person who does not have much money. They will try to put it to good use right? Not just toss everything away. To them, it's not a small choice. The choice they make is very important!
So what to do? This is what I want to know. I have a lot of moments in life (just like now) where I wonder "what should I do...to get this done?" It never fails me because I get it done.
So the first thing is to get those thoughts out of your head. I have a lot of energy to the point where I have no idea where to put it. So I'd end up taking a nap lol
But start with just starting. A friend of mines told me to just write, even if you have nothing to write about. It sounds easy to the person, but to us, the one's dealing with it, it's annoying. It's like "don't say that! This is tough!" and like a child we want to fold our arms and give up.
But here's what I found helps. Cut them into small pieces. For instance, with this assignment, I'm thinking I want to do the research first. However, I'm not sure what I want to research. So I go over the things I do know, and start there. Then fill in the extra parts by doing a deeper research on the things I've only scarped the surface of.
I find that viewing things as a whole if very overwhelming. For example, have you ever walked into a messy room that you decided you wanted to clean, but then turned around and said "I'll just do it later" and later turned into days, then weeks, then month?
Even if it's just a little, do just a small amount. It's a bit to a bigger goal. This is what I intend to do. When I do work, I can't do it in one sitting unless I start to focus. But I can't focus until I know exactly what direction I want to go in. Once I have an idea, it's a bit easier.
But here's the great part. Reward yourself with a little relaxation. Or make an ending reward for yourself. For example, go to the arcade or play a video game only after you've finished a bit. But don't play for long. Will power!
So now I will start on my assignment.
I wanted to share this feeling I have. Just try not to think of it as work. Because personally, when I think of work, I think of a stressful time that I won't enjoy. Think of it as a direction. A direction towards something. Also, you could use these directions to your advantage. They create another doorway for you to go through.
So my advice to everyone, don't allow that part of you that says "I can't do it" to get the best of you. Will you really let that thought defeat you?! Even if it's just a little at a time, just keep at it and it will become easier.
This comes from personal experience. The hardest part is taking that very first step.
Good luck!
Mon
I decided to write here. Maybe it will help me get going on this assignment. I have this lab report for my Biology class that I have to do. It's not due until 12 midnight tomorrow, but I really want to finish it today!
But I'm having a difficult time starting. It's always this way.
But once I get started, it becomes easier. I guess it's a matter of knowing where to began.
I think this applies to a few things in life. When we will completely stuck and we don't know where to start. We have an idea of where we want to get to but since we're far from our goal, it seems impossible.
But I don't think it is. I think that's the thought that comes with not having what you need at that very moment. If you want to cook a pie but you don't have the ingredients, you go to the store right? That's the thought "I want to...." Then when you get to the store, that's the tricky part. "What should I buy first?" "Could this be on sell at another store?"
It's a simple example, and I don't know if people go through all of this debating. But if you wanted to make a pie to satisfy your sweet tooth, or for the holiday, would you just toss the whole plan aside because you're not sure where to start? Of course not! Especially if it's something you want.
The same thing applied. Now let me tell you, I would have people say "it's not the same thing!" if I were to use that example. But it is. It's just he situation isn't as severe as making a lifestyle choice. Shopping is such a small thing. TO YOU.
But take for example a person who does not have much money. They will try to put it to good use right? Not just toss everything away. To them, it's not a small choice. The choice they make is very important!
So what to do? This is what I want to know. I have a lot of moments in life (just like now) where I wonder "what should I do...to get this done?" It never fails me because I get it done.
So the first thing is to get those thoughts out of your head. I have a lot of energy to the point where I have no idea where to put it. So I'd end up taking a nap lol
But start with just starting. A friend of mines told me to just write, even if you have nothing to write about. It sounds easy to the person, but to us, the one's dealing with it, it's annoying. It's like "don't say that! This is tough!" and like a child we want to fold our arms and give up.
But here's what I found helps. Cut them into small pieces. For instance, with this assignment, I'm thinking I want to do the research first. However, I'm not sure what I want to research. So I go over the things I do know, and start there. Then fill in the extra parts by doing a deeper research on the things I've only scarped the surface of.
I find that viewing things as a whole if very overwhelming. For example, have you ever walked into a messy room that you decided you wanted to clean, but then turned around and said "I'll just do it later" and later turned into days, then weeks, then month?
Even if it's just a little, do just a small amount. It's a bit to a bigger goal. This is what I intend to do. When I do work, I can't do it in one sitting unless I start to focus. But I can't focus until I know exactly what direction I want to go in. Once I have an idea, it's a bit easier.
But here's the great part. Reward yourself with a little relaxation. Or make an ending reward for yourself. For example, go to the arcade or play a video game only after you've finished a bit. But don't play for long. Will power!
So now I will start on my assignment.
I wanted to share this feeling I have. Just try not to think of it as work. Because personally, when I think of work, I think of a stressful time that I won't enjoy. Think of it as a direction. A direction towards something. Also, you could use these directions to your advantage. They create another doorway for you to go through.
So my advice to everyone, don't allow that part of you that says "I can't do it" to get the best of you. Will you really let that thought defeat you?! Even if it's just a little at a time, just keep at it and it will become easier.
This comes from personal experience. The hardest part is taking that very first step.
Good luck!
Mon
Saturday, December 1, 2012
A memory that haunts me Part 3
COFFEE~ ( ^^) _旦~~
This memory is about coffee. I can't forget this. It's why I started liking coffee. I don't drink coffee to wake me up, but because I like the smell and sometimes the taste.
When I was in the 5th grade, I was 10 years old, my teacher use to always drink coffee and the smell would stick to his clothes. *__* It was like heaven to me. So I would pretend I had a question so I could go next to him and smell the coffee lol
This is how I got my love of coffee. I really like Starbucks coffee. Recently I really like Chai tea. I like the Vanilla Chai Tea. This kind is cold and very delicious. (｡◕‿◕｡)
The bottle is pretty big, but it's kind of expensive. But it's like a reward kind of drink for me.
I also like regular green tea. I usually drink Tai Chi Green Tea. I read that the leaves can be eaten. I tried it and I didn't really like it. It was gross. But I do like to drink the tea plain. It does just taste like hot water, but it has a kind of bitter taste.
Anyways, it's very beneficial. I really like to learn about new drinks. I tried Coconut water >__> It was....
Well, that's all!
Mon
This memory is about coffee. I can't forget this. It's why I started liking coffee. I don't drink coffee to wake me up, but because I like the smell and sometimes the taste.
When I was in the 5th grade, I was 10 years old, my teacher use to always drink coffee and the smell would stick to his clothes. *__* It was like heaven to me. So I would pretend I had a question so I could go next to him and smell the coffee lol
This is how I got my love of coffee. I really like Starbucks coffee. Recently I really like Chai tea. I like the Vanilla Chai Tea. This kind is cold and very delicious. (｡◕‿◕｡)
The bottle is pretty big, but it's kind of expensive. But it's like a reward kind of drink for me.
I also like regular green tea. I usually drink Tai Chi Green Tea. I read that the leaves can be eaten. I tried it and I didn't really like it. It was gross. But I do like to drink the tea plain. It does just taste like hot water, but it has a kind of bitter taste.
Anyways, it's very beneficial. I really like to learn about new drinks. I tried Coconut water >__> It was....
Well, that's all!
Mon
Good memories and a few thoughts
I've spoken about things that have made me cried, however, I have some happy times as well.
When I think about these two these, the happy times, and the sad times, I think of souls as something great! If it's really true that we have had many lives I think the end of the journey would be a sad one. By the end I mean the end of incarnating on Earth with other souls who we may have come here with multiple times.
It's kind of like everyone would get together many years later and say "remember that time when *insert memory*"
It's like it only becomes a memory and those things can only be remembered. They only relive when we think about them, but it becomes the past.
I think of this and I say "am I doing all I can with the souls I've come to know" and also things like those souls may not even really behave that way in spirit.
Anyways, I think the good memories are the ones that keep me going with people. That's not to say I'm a push over. But the way I continue to see them in a good light is by viewing how they were when they were stressed out. When they were joyful. Almost childlike. Sometimes as adults people lose that. But I find that part to be the most precious.
I know for sure my mom, sisters and I have definitely had a tough run this time around. And before I thought "I can't leave them behind like this." In the end I never figured out why I thought something like this. I feel that more things await me. I feel like here I can't be who I really am. I'm always nervous or I feel that someone in my family would try to intimidate the way I really am.
I don't want to think of them or believe they are negative. I don't want to tarnish what's in front of me now. I have no problem with moving on. And that's the issue. I don't think I would leave the situation feeling bitter because I know I haven't done anything wrong. I try my best to be considerate and to be just. So I would much rather just keep it where it is....
Hm...I have no idea what I'm talking about now lol
Anyways, today I was reading some translations by a lady who I'll call A-chan. She translates a lot of Gackt blogs and tweets from Twitter. I really appreciate them, but I would like to understand Japanese so I can read his true words.
He's a huge hep to me. There are a few people who are helpful to me. It's more like I appreciate what they have done, not for me, but for themselves. What I mean are the people who I look at and say "I can do this" when I face a difficulty, those who keep me going. It's like if I can see someone struggle, or they tell me a story and they are here in the present, I would be very amazed by them! I would like to talk with them.
Those are the kinds of people I would like to know. Because they know what it's like to overcome an obstacle. I mean those very tough obstacles.
Gackt is one of those people. He always tries his best. And I say "I want to meet him" but I feel really embarrassed thinking something like that because I would think that he doesn't know he's done anything to help me.
During my tough times in the past, I listened to his music. His music was very inspirational. And one day during a really tough day I started to re-read his Jihaku. And I thought things must have been tough for him too. What's great is that he's a Cancer too :3 And that makes me more happier.
Also, it's not like I'm a fan of his, but more like I would like to....Hm...kind of like you know how when you meet someone and it seems like you could learn a lot from them, something like this. I'm usually this way. With my art teacher I was this way.
So I tell myself I hope to meet him someday. I really do. First I would say "thank you".....then that might be it lol would I walk away just like that?? hahaha maybe. But of course I would feel like I should explain my reason.
Well, I know other people who aren't celebrities who have opened my eyes or who have inspired me and I don't even have to say anything to them. But I really want too.
For instance, if a person does something like help someone out with something I would want to talk to them hahaha its like their helping opened a gateway for me. Hm...is this called being overly friendly?? I like to talk to people. But sometimes it seems I come off too friendly lol
But one negative to this is if I talk to guys. They may get the wrong idea :( I like talking to guys, but not like that. I like to just talk to get to know them. *shakes head* I know not all of them are this way, but I don't like people to get the wrong idea. Bette yet! It would be best if they just told me. I'd be honest and tell them the truth. :3
Oh! I also learned that miscommunications can happen a LOT. I read that it's because verbal language could contradict our nonverbal messages.
Which makes sense. Since I've read about souls, it seems our souls are more nonverbal. Which means that we would often look for nonverbal cues as clues. But that doesn't mean we don't listen to the words either. Anyways, since that has been the case for me a lot in life I decided to do something about it.
I learned that it's helped me to understand people a little better. I'm still a little shy when it comes to asking, but I certainly do not shy away from someone who wants to ask me something. I do not mind people asking me questions. It doesn't bother me. By question I mean simple things like "what do you think about..." or "is this what you meant when you said...." things like that, not things like "*points* can I get your phone number?" hahaha things like that make me nervous. It really does.
I don't know why, but I feel like I would like to know the person first. Mainly because in the past I would give out my number but when the person would call, we had nothing to talk about. So why give you my number if that would happen? However, if I know the person I know what things we could talk about. So I can give them my number. But recently I don't even talk on the phone at all. The last time I spoke on the phone to someone was maybe earlier this summer. And it was to my best friend who moved to stay with her bf and his mom. But we spoke for a few hours.
But in high school I spoke on the phone a lot. But now I find it to be a waste. I would much rather speak face to face.
Well, that's all for now!
Night~
Mon
When I think about these two these, the happy times, and the sad times, I think of souls as something great! If it's really true that we have had many lives I think the end of the journey would be a sad one. By the end I mean the end of incarnating on Earth with other souls who we may have come here with multiple times.
It's kind of like everyone would get together many years later and say "remember that time when *insert memory*"
It's like it only becomes a memory and those things can only be remembered. They only relive when we think about them, but it becomes the past.
I think of this and I say "am I doing all I can with the souls I've come to know" and also things like those souls may not even really behave that way in spirit.
Anyways, I think the good memories are the ones that keep me going with people. That's not to say I'm a push over. But the way I continue to see them in a good light is by viewing how they were when they were stressed out. When they were joyful. Almost childlike. Sometimes as adults people lose that. But I find that part to be the most precious.
I know for sure my mom, sisters and I have definitely had a tough run this time around. And before I thought "I can't leave them behind like this." In the end I never figured out why I thought something like this. I feel that more things await me. I feel like here I can't be who I really am. I'm always nervous or I feel that someone in my family would try to intimidate the way I really am.
I don't want to think of them or believe they are negative. I don't want to tarnish what's in front of me now. I have no problem with moving on. And that's the issue. I don't think I would leave the situation feeling bitter because I know I haven't done anything wrong. I try my best to be considerate and to be just. So I would much rather just keep it where it is....
Hm...I have no idea what I'm talking about now lol
Anyways, today I was reading some translations by a lady who I'll call A-chan. She translates a lot of Gackt blogs and tweets from Twitter. I really appreciate them, but I would like to understand Japanese so I can read his true words.
He's a huge hep to me. There are a few people who are helpful to me. It's more like I appreciate what they have done, not for me, but for themselves. What I mean are the people who I look at and say "I can do this" when I face a difficulty, those who keep me going. It's like if I can see someone struggle, or they tell me a story and they are here in the present, I would be very amazed by them! I would like to talk with them.
Those are the kinds of people I would like to know. Because they know what it's like to overcome an obstacle. I mean those very tough obstacles.
Gackt is one of those people. He always tries his best. And I say "I want to meet him" but I feel really embarrassed thinking something like that because I would think that he doesn't know he's done anything to help me.
During my tough times in the past, I listened to his music. His music was very inspirational. And one day during a really tough day I started to re-read his Jihaku. And I thought things must have been tough for him too. What's great is that he's a Cancer too :3 And that makes me more happier.
Also, it's not like I'm a fan of his, but more like I would like to....Hm...kind of like you know how when you meet someone and it seems like you could learn a lot from them, something like this. I'm usually this way. With my art teacher I was this way.
So I tell myself I hope to meet him someday. I really do. First I would say "thank you".....then that might be it lol would I walk away just like that?? hahaha maybe. But of course I would feel like I should explain my reason.
Well, I know other people who aren't celebrities who have opened my eyes or who have inspired me and I don't even have to say anything to them. But I really want too.
For instance, if a person does something like help someone out with something I would want to talk to them hahaha its like their helping opened a gateway for me. Hm...is this called being overly friendly?? I like to talk to people. But sometimes it seems I come off too friendly lol
But one negative to this is if I talk to guys. They may get the wrong idea :( I like talking to guys, but not like that. I like to just talk to get to know them. *shakes head* I know not all of them are this way, but I don't like people to get the wrong idea. Bette yet! It would be best if they just told me. I'd be honest and tell them the truth. :3
Oh! I also learned that miscommunications can happen a LOT. I read that it's because verbal language could contradict our nonverbal messages.
Which makes sense. Since I've read about souls, it seems our souls are more nonverbal. Which means that we would often look for nonverbal cues as clues. But that doesn't mean we don't listen to the words either. Anyways, since that has been the case for me a lot in life I decided to do something about it.
I learned that it's helped me to understand people a little better. I'm still a little shy when it comes to asking, but I certainly do not shy away from someone who wants to ask me something. I do not mind people asking me questions. It doesn't bother me. By question I mean simple things like "what do you think about..." or "is this what you meant when you said...." things like that, not things like "*points* can I get your phone number?" hahaha things like that make me nervous. It really does.
I don't know why, but I feel like I would like to know the person first. Mainly because in the past I would give out my number but when the person would call, we had nothing to talk about. So why give you my number if that would happen? However, if I know the person I know what things we could talk about. So I can give them my number. But recently I don't even talk on the phone at all. The last time I spoke on the phone to someone was maybe earlier this summer. And it was to my best friend who moved to stay with her bf and his mom. But we spoke for a few hours.
But in high school I spoke on the phone a lot. But now I find it to be a waste. I would much rather speak face to face.
Well, that's all for now!
Night~
Mon
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