Juding

Hi!

I decided to blog today. Recently I've just been relaxing and I started working on a Victorian Lace blanket. It will be crocheted, so it will take time. I will post a picture when I'm done.

Anyway, I read an article about Nicki Minaj, yes the rapper, in which it stated things about her recently album and an abortion she had as a teenager. After reading the article I headed to my favorite section, the comment section.

Now, I'm all for people having an opinion about things. What I do find to be interestingly annoying are the judgement. I think somewhere along the line people don't quite understand the line between stating an opinion about something and judging someone. Most of the time they'll claim that they're just brutally honest.

Some of the things I read on there were things such as calling her a hoe, a slut and saying that she's not innocent and that she's evil. Most people would consider these people "haters." Regardless of what people call people who slam others for the choices they make, I can't help but wonder if they truly think themselves to be "innocent" or "perfect" people.

So I decided to do a bit of research about why people judge and also the difference between discernment and judging.

The first thing I found was this:

"The human mind was designed to fill gaps, we assume the intentions of people when we have missing information and this leads to incorrect judgement most of the time."

In this kind of situation I don't think the person doing the judging should not be responsible for incorrect judgement. Mainly because it's up to them to find out the truth rather than to make biased statements.

Yet, just because it's a natural ability for our minds to do this it doesn't mean we should just accept things our minds come up with.

What's interesting about this is that people are usually quick to assume that anything see in the media is true and they make assumptions about it. I'll admit I do believe my mind will instantly make assumptions, I won't pretend that it doesn't. I will also admit that I find myself saying things that I don't know are completely true. Afterwards I would think "Why the heck did I do that?" and I'd investigate my reasoning behind it. I found two things to be the possible reason:

1. Wanting to be seen as "right" or knowing about a certain topic. I think this has to do with making one's self feel good. It's a boost of confidence to know that you know something.

2. Not wanting to be wrong. I think the concept of the word wrong has led people to think that being wrong in a bad thing. My theory is because as we go to school and get graded on our homework and whatnot, we are marked as right or wrong. Of course during the 12 years (college not included) of having this drilled in our heads can do a number to us.

Yet I will always say that it's up to us on whether or not we want to move beyond this. I feel that people think that opinionated judgement are justified just because it's considered an opinion. Well, here's the thing. You likely have no idea what you're talking about.

I've kind of gotten tired of people judging others. I've kind of moved beyond it in a way. I don't hang around people who do it. I mean, what good does it to you to judge someone?

Anyway, getting back on topic. Discernment. I looked this word up a few months back to gain an understanding of it. There's a lot of definitions, but I'll go with this one:

Discernment is the ability to see and understand people, things, or situations clearly and intelligently.

Without any kind of researching (be it through questioning and getting an answer) most things we spit off are usually just our own made of conclusions. I think this causes hostility in the people being judged. I think it causes division between people.

I'll give an example. I have a friend who told me that she thought I was mean and stuck up. I'll tell you this, it is a natural thing for us to read the body language of people, more so than what we pick up from them verbally. Anyway, this friend goes on to tell me that she was dead wrong.

Now I will admit I may have a don't-bother-me look sometimes, but I exampled to her that it's when I'm thinking. I also take a while to warm up to people, but I'm usually, if not always, a goofy person. I enjoy being happy and I enjoy people being themselves without fear and worry that they can't be who they are around me.

No guy told me that he believes immature guys wouldn't gain my attention or try to talk to me because I carry myself in a no-none sense way. Interestingly enough, it may be true, but I give everyone a chance regardless.

Throughout everything I've been doing since the past two years, I decided that there's really no need not to be honest with myself. If I can't be honest with myself, than how can I consider myself to be an honest person? If I feel I'm passing judgments even in my thoughts I'll evaluate them.

Another reason we may judge is because we base it from our past experience. I can say that I believe this to be true. Most of the time if you watch or listen to someone who holds some kind of hostility about a certain thing or person, they will probably say something like "I've seen/heard/watched such and such happen myself."

Here's the thing, there are people out there breaking traditions and splitting boundaries. Things are changing and things have always been changing. If you don't believe this, look at what's been recording from history. Look at the eras that have pasted. Of course there are still people who want to hold true to those traditions. So be it. But I always feel that if something is meant to a thing of the past, it will be regardless of whether we want it to or not.

I know what it's like to have something that is truly liked and have it taken away and for me to keep thinking back on it. And this advice is coming from me. There will be new things. We will always find new interest. There is always something better.

As a kid I remember me and my sisters having lots of toys. Because we moved a lot, a lot of our toys were left behind. I was sad! I had a pink plastic seahorse toy that I would always carry around, but now I look at what I have now and I think those things don't matter anymore. The best thing that those things can give us are the memories.

The thing is never truly gone. It has left an everlasting impression on our hearts and in our minds never to be forgotten. I think that certain thing is worth appreciating for what it was and what it meant to us in our lives during that time, not that it isn't. Stop focusing on what isn't and what's not, and focus on what is and what can be. This is the most important thing,

Well, I'll cut this short. There are many more reasons people may judge. But know this, whether you want to continue to judge and bring people down, rather than to help lift people up as we are all living and breathing humans who share the same planet, this is up to you to choose. There's no rush of course. But know that you can make this choice at any minute or any second.

Mon

Classes nearing an end

I'll be officially stating my holiday break next Friday. I'm nervous and excited because my finals will be due. Actually, I feel quite blessed to have had the teachers I had this quarter. If it were for the way they decided to run their classes, this quarter would have been quite stressful for me. So I will say I'm very grateful to them. 

Well, what's due?

I have a 15 page paper that is due! It's my first fifteen page paper EVER. Yet what I like about it is the fact that it's more of a personal paper. The research is to back up what we write about. I still have to make adjustments and add in information, but I've reached nineteen pages after making the page adjustments that my teacher wants for the paper. In the beginning I felt very stifled and stuck because the teacher let us choose the topic. She constantly told me to stop worrying and write. This took me so long to get over! Eventually I made it. Now I need to gather up a few more sources to add to my bibliography. I only have tomorrow, but I'm going to do my best not to stress. As long as I have something I think it will be okay.

I also have three characters I have to completely model, rig and pose. This one is a bit more tricky, but if I manage my time wisely I should be able to complete two of the three characters. Everything isn't due until next Wednesday and Thursday, but I'm not gonna wait until than. 

I'll also continue with my webcomic beginning next Saturday (I hope!). Yet I'm gonna hold off one putting a pencil to paper until I feel more confident in my class finals begin complete. 

Overall I'm pretty happy. I did slack a bit this quarter, but not so much so that I didn't get much of anything done. The thing is is that this quarter I spent the first couple of months getting myself to a decent modeling workflow as the rest of my class. This is what took the most amount of time. The first two and half the of the third month was me literally cramming all kinds of video information and new information from my teachers into my head. 

This wore me down like crazy and I was constantly sleepy. Yet, I played video games or watched something funny in order to keep my sanity lol At one point I even had to tell myself that it was okay for me to go and hangout with my sisters and mom every once in a while. One thing I don't want to do is sacrifice my free time and time with chatting with friends and hanging out, with work work work because I feel I could definitely do something like this. When I become passionate about something, and I mean really passionate, I shut myself off from a lot of things just to focus on getting it done.

Most people would think this is good, but it's not worth shutting out your loved ones for the sake of work. This kind of thing has it's pros and cons, but it must be used efficiently and in a balanced manner. This is why I make time to chat with friends. This is why I make time to watch a funny video. Sometimes I feel that if I take a break I'll run out of time, but I imagine if I lose that occupation or that school gets shut down, then what? I couldn't go back there and I'd have to turn my attention to those I turned my back on...unless they decided to leave because I shut them out. These are things I consider. 

Now, I do find that if I take a long break it's very difficult for me to find that flow. Sometimes I can't seem to get to work. I know I can, but it takes a bit of time for me to concentrate. I guess this is what I want to avoid if I decide to stop working on something. It's like "will I be able to do decent work like this again?" or "I won't be able to get to that this point, I better take advantage of it!"

So when I'm away without typing a blog for long, it's probably because of something like school lol School is the ultimate reason. I'm usually too tired to type or my mind is too focused on school to type about anything else.

Well, on that note, I'm gonna get ready for bed.

I have quite a few things I'd like to accomplish over break, but I think I'll keep it fairly simple. I seriously owe it to my readers for waiting patiently for me to return to complete my webcomic. So I'll get to that and work on that during break. I'll have to put my other projects on hold.

Until my next Blog

See ya

Mon

Memory recall (12/02/14)

Hi!

Happy December 2nd everyone!

It's officially December. Luckily there is still no snow here. Well, I don't mind there not being any snow yet. Most people still have to go to school and I prefer that people do not have to drive in it. Although I really love the snow, I'm more concerned for others safety! ( T u T) How generous of me, right? Hahaha

Well, today I'd like to talk about memory recall. I honestly have done no research on this topic beforehand. So, just like a lot of what I type, I type this mainly for my experience, a bit of reading and my own theories. I'll probably do some research.

In the past I have (and I still do sometimes) read about dreams. I just started reading a book about how to use the brain properly. I've done a bit of reading many years ago about how the brain works in regards to the body. However, the main reason I decided to write this was because of something that happened to me the day before yesterday.

In short, I had two dreams the night before. These were the two dreams that may have been closer to the point of me waking up because I remembered it. Yet, I didn't write the dream down because I felt it didn't have any definite meaning. So I went about my day. While going about my day I began to wonder what my dream was about (and even at this moment I don't quite recall it). So I started to try to recall even a tiny piece of my dream (just like I'm doing now), and suddenly I was about to remember the gist of the dream.

One dream was about a woman who stayed in, what seemed to be, a basement living space. The day was late afternoon, possibly about the time when the sun is beginning to set and it's winter. I vaguely remember what her living space was like. But I do remember someone had broken into her home.

The second dream a was about two twins who were living in a post apocalyptic town. There was this larger lady that they couldn't stand and they left her alone to fend off zombies by herself lol they had been released from her bonding chains lol

While I was tuning in on these details I started to wonder if this is similar to recalling a memory of the past. I think what's the most difficult thing is begin able to distinguish if we're making it up or if the memory is %100 accurate. I'll explain why. Imagine if you're trying to remember something from your childhood, yet you seem to be blocked or the memory seems made up. This could very well be a memory that your mind just isn't ready to remember, or something so traumatic that your subconscious mind blocked in order to protect you from harm. I have read that this is very possible.

I find that this can be handy, and not so handy. It can be handy as a kid because as children we want to stay carefree, we're not use to mental and emotional disturbance. So we build a wall up between us in the problem. Now, this can become a problem when we carry this with us throughout our lives. It's a hidden depth in our mind that we have forgotten, yet it causes us problem in the future because we may instinctively find displeasure in something that is harmless to us, or even harmful to us in some way.

A good example of this is from a show called Trisha. I saw one particular episode in which there were two sisters. One of the sisters was into girls, and the other was okay with getting money by having sex with random men. It turns out (later in the show) that one of the girls was molested while the other watched. This created psychological damage to both of them, which caused one to dislike men, and the other to think very less of her body.

It doesn't occur to us how hurtful something from the past can be, until we realize that something is actually wrong. In a way, it hinders us from moving forward in life.

This is why, sometimes, I can't always blame people for acting up. I do become disappointed, but some people are usually in denile that there is anything wrong. So they go through life acting out.

Another good example was a serial killer. I don't recall his name, but he was a highly talked about serial killer who would store the body parts of young boys/men in the freezer of his home. Of course he was convicted. This begged me to wonder why he acted out the way he did. It turns out he had quite a few things happen to him in his childhood as well.

Now, I this doesn't excuse harmful actions, and people do have to deal with this consequences of their actions, but I do find that I have a bit of understanding for negative behavior. Do I like it? Of course not, but I do understand that a lot of things stem from somewhere.

So what does all of this have to do with anything? Well, looking beyond just the surface of this, it's what made me looking into past lives. A lot of people do not believe in past lives, but I do believe in past emotions and memories. So I respect the idea of past lives.

I do believe that it's possible that we carry with us past hurts, not just things from our childhood, but also from past lives. Yet, I feel that reaching them is very similar to remembering a dream. Dreams are at the farther and deepest depth of our mind. It's at the point when we are the most relax and have no awareness of our bodies. It's at the point where our conscious mind isn't trying to rationalize and calculate everyone (mainly when it isn't in the way to judge what's going on). However, at the very moment upon waking, what's the first thing we do when we have a crazy dream, we may say "well that was stupid" or "there's no way that could happen in real life!"  But in our minds when we're sleeping, everything is real. Have you ever had a dream where you're running away from something and it seemed so real that you were terrified? Only to awaken in your bed and find that you're completely safe.

Yesterday I was reading a book about Past Life Experiences and the author was talking about the different kinds of Psychic "gifts". I put that in quotes because I'm under the impression that everyone has a gift. Everyone is special and unique in their own way. It's just some take the time to further develop the gifts they have (I'll get back to this later). The one "gift" I want to mention is Clairvoyance. This is the ability to "see" things in your mind, or in your minds eye. After reading this part I felt that there is actually nothing quite so abnormal about this clair. A great example that they gave is imagining that a person saw a nice car at a dealership. This person is so excited about this car so when they go to tell their friend about this car, they can recall it in full detail. How? By seeing the image of the car in their mind. You get where I'm going with this right? Recalling a memory is a psychic ability. It's so natural to us that we wouldn't even claim it to be one.

Another example is imagining. From what I'm constantly reading (and I keep getting the same message again and again) is that imagining is the life of the soul. This is the world of spirit. In our world we would think it's ridiculous, but that's because we have a left-sided sidekick that sit on the left side how our head called the logical little thinker. This bugger is what helps us reason if something is good or bad for us.

This is never wrong. Using the left side of your brain isn't wrong. Some people will be more left sided, and other right sided, yet sometimes being logical can stifle your creativity. Well, some people might not care for it. Yet creativity is innovation manifested in physical reality. It's like being able to come up with the perfect dinner night so you can be lovey dovey with your mate. Or coming up with party plans for a holiday event. Some people don't care for things like this and others do.

But for all those die hard logical thinkers, I have a surprise. I definitely believe that you have a little imagination in your and you aren't always so "thinky" :) You have a presentation coming up. You plan and plan away. You want to create something different. This is even a matter of being creative. You're dwelling in a place that artist dwell. You are imagining something different.

Hm...my examples are becoming a bit bland lol Anyway, what I'm trying to say is don't just toss things away because it sounds ridiculous. Look into it. You never know what you'll find. I'm not a religious person, but I do find some parts of different religions interesting. And not just that, but if people find that you're at least trying to understand or considerate what they enjoy, there would probably be a lot less arguing and fighting. You don't have to accept or believe what someone else believes or accept as true, but you can certainly try understanding it.

Now, I can't claim to be the saint of understanding this concept in it's entirety, but I can say that even making the tiniest bit of effort has always led me on some kind of journey of discovery. If something just doesn't work for you, then just don't deal with it. But I can say that we all meet on a similar ground, maybe not in our interest, but in what we all are searching for. One thing most of us can agree on is that we have something we're interested in.

I seriously steered off topic lol The point of this is to give my theory on memory recall, and that I believe that if we did have many many lives that we have lived, I can understand why we would get a glimpse or a piece of one in this lifetime. Perhaps some event in this life trigger that memory. It's kind of similar to if you use to eat a certain kind of food, but you don't anymore, and then you get the feeling of nostalgia when you do try it.

The only reason I find past lives interesting is because there is more to us as humans, than just being buried in the ground and that being the end. I find that there is more depth to us and us living than we think. It makes more sense, to me, that the reason we have certain fears or feel a certain way is because of some incident that happened to us long ago. And not just those factors, but that the fact that we are eternal beings. Also there is an answer to why we come to live on earth, but I'll save that for another time. I will tell you this, if you'd like an answer, it will be there. It's always there and it will always be there.

In a future blog I'd like to talk about this book I recently read. :) It's really interesting. Let's just hope i remember to type it lol

That being said, I hope everyone had a lovely holiday, and if you didn't celebrate anything, I hope you had a wonderful week and are having a wonderful day.

Until the next blog
Mon

I can't take the ignorance! lol

Hi!

So I was just having a discussion with this guy. He's older than me by a couple of years. He said I was standing up with white people lol Okay, I'll explain it.

So I guess there is this case with someone named Ferguson (I don't know the actual story), and there is a protest in the location where I live. He called the people stupid for doing what they're doing. I explained to him that I don't know much about this case, but I don't think people are dumb for protesting. He said it was a waste of time. Now, I explain that I've had the pleasure of actually knowing someone who protested once before. When they protest they're trying to have their message heard by whomever they're protesting against.

I also explained to him that I think protesting can only do so much. I based this on the past, and even if things are fulfilled, the question is whether it will continue to stay that way. Moving on, he goes to say that there are white people there and that they are all show. He then started to shame white people and saying they aren't human. I started to get upset and a little shaken up, but I tried to keep my composure. I asked him why he felt that way. He said because they kill people.

Moving ahead a bit, I made the statement that people of what one white person did, does not make them all inhumane. He was trying to go against me, saying that white people are caveman, and they they stole a lot of things from people. He also was trying to school me on the world human. Breaking it up this way:

Hue, which means colors. Black is the true color. White isn't a color.

Seriously?! It seems he was trying to break the word up in this favor. Rather than doing that, look up the origin of the word. We then had a discussion about the origin of words. I dunno, it was kind of all over the place lol

Overall, he started passing judgement on me on the fact that I'm standing up for white people (in other words, standing up for my beliefs and not trying to separate people based on skin color), and that I don't care for black people lol honestly, how are you going to make a claim like that. He wouldn't stop talking, and I had to wait for him to finish making his claims. I told him I'd stick up for anyone despite the color of their skin.

Simply, this man who happened to be white, killed a black man and he's not going to jail for it. I understand the fury behind why people feel the way they do. My problem is this, are they looking at this situation as a man who killed another man? Or are they seeing it as a racial thing?

Killing someone is not right. I don't believe taking someone's life is right, I don't care what color skin a person has. Here's the thing, black people kill black people !WHOOOO. WHAT? You don't say!? Is this a serious crime? Yes! Do people make such a huge problem out of it as they would had it been a Latino or an Asian that killed a person of another race.

I just don't get it. Am I suppose to dislike a certain race because of what one person of that race did? Am I suppose to dislike the same thing you dislike because it'll make you feel like you can connect to me? What kind of sense does that make? It's like disliking me because I prefer to put only ketchup on my hotdog and not mustard. It's like feeling as if you can't connect to me or want to talk to me because I like wearing pink clothes? Have we really moved that far away from each other that, you're not consider one of "them", if you don't do and like and dislike what they like? Them being a group. If it means that I have to force myself to dislike something or someone to benefits you, I rather not. It wouldn't be true to me.

Anyway, make the statement "men are usually logical right?" and yet, he said he's not logical, and that he takes things he's experienced and put them together, that he uses "common sense". I told him that logic is a way of reasoning (he didn't know the meaning of the word). So it seems he makes claims, based on his own ideas of them. Which is fine. I have no problem with this. I just didn't feel it was okay for him to be putting people down and saying they aren't human, and calling them cave people. I stated what I felt needed to be stated.

Now I will admit (and I told him this as well), that he has a strong personality. He speaks his mind, but I don't think he's met anyone like me lol I take what people say and I flip it around and see if they get where they're going with their statements.

Oh, about the word thing (the word human), he told me I was getting technical. I think he thought I wasn't listening, or even cared to remember, to what he mentioned before. Before he was telling me how words originated from somewhere. That English isn't just something people from Europe made up. We both confirmed that English came from Latin roots, and possibly even some Greek (don't quote me on the Greek lol), and we agreed on this. So, when I started to look up the word, he told me it wasn't necessary. I decided to be more specific and find facts (no one likes facts, and I will admit that facts can sometimes, not be the true facts because things change). I tell him the word is of Latin root. He asked me why it's important, and I explained that if you want to get to the root of the word, find it's origin. He didn't like that.

The word Human is a Latin word. The original word was not human, but Homo, then to Humanus. Homo means "men, human being", think of the word Homosapien.

He wasn't satisfied. After a while I just started ignoring him lol I was getting to shaken up over nothing. I came to the conclusion that this man obviously wanted to continue to believe this. So I just told myself that it's okay, and to let him just vent and leave. Which is what he did lol If a person wants to feel or think a certain way, go ahead. Just don't try to pull me down to your level. Don't talk about people around me, and don't try to make me negative.

He classified me as an optimistic. I'll admit, that I am, but I also think....hm...I'm not sure if it's realistic, but I think like this, I see a problem, I begin to think of ways to resolve that problem. Sometimes the best ways to solve a problem is not always easy, and can even be a way that we don't necessarily want to do, or think will solve the problem. But until we do that, I truly believe we'll continue to see this lesson appear over and over again in our media.We'll keep creating situations that fuel what we believe and think. This is a collective consciousnesses thing.

Hm....I'll say this, for those who say "I bet (something negative) will happen)" and they keep saying that over and over again in their heads, and then it happens, well, this happens because you are intending for it to happen. Now, imagine this on a grander scale. If people are all constantly sending out that thought that such and such will happen, it will be. People will find this hard to believe, but let's not state this as some religious thing. Let's take this from things normal people may experience in life.

If you keep thinking you won't pass a test and you spend all of your time worrying that you won't pass it, how can you ever focus enough to study well enough to get a good grade? Then you fail the test, and feel defeated and you "knew that it would happen". Well of course you did, you created it for yourself.

Think of it like this, when you place your attention on something, you put your attention on it. It is not in your field of vision and it's something you see. This is how consciously thinking something over and over again can come into your field of vision.

That doesn't mean that if you think positively for a day everything will change overnight. No. But it is the beginning. It's something that has to be constant. Everyday, starting with you, start the intent that you will be loving, that you will show compassion, that you will not judge. The people you affect will began to mirror this!

I'm not making this up. I can tell you that the person who sabotages me the most is myself. I never sabotage others, and I realize that I actually have met a lot of nice people, and I've also realize that if I did pass judgement in the past, and I made the mistake of saying some inappropriate things to someone else, the people I knew were a reflection of this. After I stopped, those people suddenly fell from my life (no joke, I lost the cellphone with all those people's contact numbers in them), so yes, I'm a believer in this.

So, even after reading all of this, if you choose to continue to stay where you are, and you're happy. Go ahead. As long as your happy. The thing is, is that I'm not speaking of religions, I'm only speaking of togetherness. We'd work a lot better if we learned to work together. Yeah, we're individuals, but we're individuals sharing one planet. You know, I can see how things can become hectic lol Think of us as living in one house lol we're gonna have arguments, some of us will be inconsiderate of others, and some of us will not clean up our mess. But it's until we learn to cooperate with one another that we will, little by little, be able to stand each other lol

On that note, I'm off!

Mon

Fear of scrutiny

Hi!

So recently I haven't been in the mood to type....wait, I'll rephrase that, I have been wanting to type, but I haven't been in the mood to actually do the typing. It's been this way for about a year now....but it's become more intense these past few months.

I think it's seriously boiled down to my fear of messing up. I have a pretty idea of why this has surfaced and is a problem now. Throughout my life I've taken suggestions or words that others have said very personally. Yet, I understand now that doing this is kind of pointless. Why? It's simply because those people aren't living your life. If you're happy living a certain way and it's not harming anyone, than what they say really shouldn't matter.

Yet, we live in a culture where fitting in seems to be essential. No one wants to be a true outcast, as much as they would want to be an individual. This is the obstacle I'm faced with. Here's the thing, and I'll explain why I find this situation so perplexing to me. I'm aware of the issues, I know what I have to do, I'm just having a tough time doing it.

In the past (growing up), when I would draw a picture I never colored my human characters with dark skin. My sister and mom would always question why I didn't color my characters with darker skin. Of course I didn't feel compelled to. It had nothing to do with anything. I just thought "this color would look best for what I'm going for." So if I was to draw a character that is suppose to be of some humid and summer-like climate, I would probably color them with darker skin. Them constantly making that statement made me wonder if I was being biased with my drawings. I started to feel compelled to draw and color the way that would satisfy them.Then came my classes where I would do things the way I wanted to, only to have my teachers make comments that a different way is better. I would follow by this even though I didn't want to.

Suddenly, I soon began to realize that I just can't produce work without effort like I use to. During my middle school and early high school years I felt my work was effortless. I wasn't trying to please anyone. I was just drawing and I enjoyed doing it when I was bored in class. Yet, I started to realize that something was wrong. Things were flowing, but I was stifled. I had ideas, I would write them, only to find that I'm too tired to write. I had things coming, but I just don't feel like doing anything. Am I becoming lazy? Have I lost my "thing"?

I've come to this conclusion. Actually, it's been this way for a few days now that I've shut myself off. I'm being lazy from wanting to write (which is causing me to fall behind in my capstone class because I don't feel like writing and I have a 15 page paper that's due...I'll get to this later), drawing or creating anything in general. I'm just SO tired. The conclusion is that I've done this to myself. It's kind of like, if I can't be who I am, then why should I create anything? My soul has responded in this way.

I've been sleepy and all I want to do is sleep. Most days I'm just sitting and thinking absolutely nothing. I would feel so miserable! While everyone else is in my household having fun, I'm slump in my room trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I accounted this to me becoming very restless to the point of it being unbearable, and it truly has been. I pitch these ideas to people and they enjoy them, yet, I just can't seem to produce anything.

So what's the point in typing this? Well, I figured that if I write what I'm thinking and feeling, I will find some kind of release. I know that the most obvious thing to do is to just DO. Seriously, before I wrote this, I walked through this door and there were all these papers posted on the wall and all kinds of quotes from people who are story-writers. They all said similar things "just do it without restricting yourself" is the message I got. My teachers have been saying it. They say "you over think!" and I didn't think I did. I thought I was just trying to understand. I still think I do try to understand, but I try to understand things so well and so much, that I miss the true purpose, and that's just the experience of it.

I've lost light of my true enjoyment, and that's learning without trying to learn. It's understanding through experience, not trying to understand the experience. In the past, I would take what I get, feel something about it, dislike it or not, and move on. It was that simple. Now, I think think and think.

Art is not about thinking. It's simply about doing. It's not about understanding what's being done, it's about just feeling it and going along with it. These words that I'm typing now are flowing freely.

Even with blogging, I've been boggled down with wondering what I should and shouldn't type. The purpose, that I've come to understand, is that I should type what's on my mind or my heart. It means something to me, and it may or may not mean anything to me.

You see, when I type stories, I started to consider the people who will be viewing it, rather than what the characters would and wouldn't do, regardless of how silly or sad it becomes. I began to wonder what the viewers would like. This isn't a bad thing, but I've become so focused on this that I limit myself to my free flowing ideas.

From few experiences I've had where people questioned my work, I thought "I'd like to make them enjoy my work" when in reality, I can't make anyone like anything. They'll like or dislike what they want and the same holds true for me.

So to my capstone class. We have this paper that we have to write. Out of the whole 7 weeks, I've only gotten 4 pages done. As I said, I limited myself. So I would write what I can and feel miserable that I just don't get it. So my teacher ended up scolding me yesterday lol she told me I was complaining. I didn't want to believe I was complaining. She said that I should just write and that she's given me all the advice that she can, but I may not be getting it.

I'll say this, I was complaining, but not at her, at myself. It was frustrating that, although she gave me all this advice, I couldn't bring myself to just write. I know I can write because I blog so much lol

So, I won't just type this without a resolution. Here is my solution. I take what I learned about writing, consider the things I've been thought, but create the way I want. For example, in my 3D modeling class, my teacher was suggesting that I model to scale. Well, I like math, but I'm not good with measurements, or even simple math (don't judge me lol) So I instantly retorted "what if it's suppose to be this way?" he told me not to get sassy with him lol I won't lie, I do this when I'm trying to make a point lol What's funny is that it works?

Anyway, after researching why I should learn to build to scale, it was simply because it lights more realistically. WOOOO HOOOO! Why didn't he just say that? lol My question is, what if I didn't want realistic lighting? Anyway, I was being difficult. I ended up following his suggestion. In the end, I didn't have to. I never have to take anyone's advice but here's the thing: I did. And I've learned new things that I can use, but I that I don't have to.

So in respects to that, I do believe, in some way, I should learn to balance out what I learned with what I'm use to. It's advancing what I already enjoy, with what I learned. I think I have a difficult time incorporating things subtly.

Now I know what I should do. I will do my best to just DO. It's the most important thing. It's not wrong. If I find something that can be improved, I can improve it. I'll never have anything to show for myself, if I never create it. In my mind it will tend to dwell and live, but I won't see the results if I don't bring it to physical existence. More than anything, it's moreso for me and if people like it, I'll be happy. I will admit honestly, that having people enjoy something you create, kind of brings a feeling of togetherness. It shows that maybe I'm not so unusual in regards that I'm still very human. My ideas may be different, but that togetherness that we reach for with opened hands, is what brings us closer and closer together.

I'm all about togetherness. Be it near or far, beyond the limitation of skin, gender, and race, there is something in all of us that is very similar. It's not just the air we breath, the lungs in our chest, the heart that beats or the brains we fill with knowledge, it is this tiny piece we can't seem to reach because it's so silent and it observes, and it knows.

This is what I'm trying to reach.

With that said, I feel better. I'm going to get to work on reaching that point as much as possible.

Oh, by the way, I will start affirming every morning, that I do not lose sight of this purpose I'm purposing. I find that it's all to easy....with time, to fall off the true path. I understand that this can or will happen, it's all about connecting back to that true purpose. I will muster up strength, and I call forth supporting help to help me. Everyday I'll affirm that my head and my heart will stay clear. The path I want to walk, is one in which I can bring people closer and closer together. How I'll go about that? I'll do it by the means I have available with me now, and that's through my art and my stories. Even if it doesn't seem that my art has the meaning that I'm trying to portray, it doesn't matter. If it's sad, it will be sad. And you know what? People will see that it's sad. And sadness is something that we all feel at some point, and on some level. If it's funny, that is good too.

It's not to judge or be critical on whether or not what I'm creating is something that is a message. By this I mean, I don't want to think to much about the message. This is where I messed myself up lol this may work for some people, but I'm much more organic. I don't need to think about that because I feel and my work is based on this. I feel what my characters should do. I feel what they should say. I don't need to think about whether or not the message will be clear, because with feelings people will take the message as a feeling and not as a thought....sometimes.

So in that regards, now I'm done. If in some way this has helped you, I'm happy.

Now I should get to work.

Mon

Things I've been up to recently

Good day fellow.....readers! Hi! :)

First thing first, I haven't worked out in like two weeks lol I feel horrible. I work out so I can feel as if I'm doing something good for my body. I do simple things such as drinking tea, I mainly drink water (besides coffee on some days) and I try to eat decent meals. I had a few kiwis these past few days *__* I was sooooo happy. And before that I had apples with peanut butter. I will say that I've been a bit of a piggy these past three days lol my sister got me a small bag of milano cookies on Friday. I had a few Friday evening, then I shared some with her, and yesterday I finished the whole bag. Of course I shared a few more with her when we had tea.

Then today I had two slices of cheesecake lol To make me more normal, I just woke up and haven't done a thing to my hair lol when I walked the dogs I just slapped a winter cap on my head. In other words, I've just been chilling and doing homework.

So yesterday I did only a 10 minute workout. I was winded lol It was horrible. You see, when I work out at least 3 times a week ( I find that 3 days out of the week is fine for me) I don't get winded quite as easily. Yet since I haven't worked out in two weeks, I didn't want to over do it. I thought a cardio workout would be good. TT__TT I seriously hate cardio but I wanted to burn off a bit of calories.

Since my school schedule is a bit strange, I don't get a chance to workout during the weekdays, but since I have off Thursday-Sunday, I decide to workout on those days. So I'm going to continue that workout. The total workout is 55 minutes. I was deciding to do 25 minutes yesterday and 25 minutes today....yeah that didn't happen lol So since I haven't been able to exercise much, instead of taking the train I would walk from campus to campus. It takes about 20 minutes to walk from one campus to the next. I also take the stairs instead of the elevator. It's not much, but it's better than nothing.

I've also been doing some 3D modeling stuff. Hm...I didn't know I could insert images in my blog lol I may start doing that. The amount of work they want us to do isn't a ridiculous amount...but I don't know what I'm doing lol so for me I'm trying my best to keep up. So on the days I have off, I'll play a video game for a while when I need to take a break from working on homework. So what I have to do is this, I have to watch these videos on the school portal. Most are about 3-10 hours in length, but not all at once, in order to learn as many skills as the teachers discuss in class, as possible. I have to do this while also trying to keep up with what they want us (the students) to have due the next class.

THEEEENNNN, I'm still dealing with my transfer credit situation. I'm seeing that this will be resolved soon. I have a bunch of great people trying their best to get my previous school to respond. So I'm just waiting.

I also checked out some new books and I've been reading those as well. :) Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I take a break. Sometimes I just want to take a break forever, but then I get bored of taking a break and I get back to work. I'm trying not to think of art as work. What I think it is is that I have to learn these new skills. In the past 4 months I've stuffed my brain with so much new stuff.

I read that this can cause the body fatigue....or something like this, because the brain can become tried. Our bodies rest in order to process all of this new information. When I found that out I thought it made sense why I always wanted to take naps in high school lol not only was my body growing, there were hormonal changes as well. At the time, during high school, every student would take 7 classes which would be about 50 minutes in length (if I remember correctly). That's like multi-tasking.  I read that multi-tasking is actually not good for us. I didn't do much research on this topic, but I thought that was interesting.

Most of us are always forcing so much information into our brains. Hm...actually I am reading another book about the brain and how to use it properly. In a way I feel that we store information in our short term memory, and then forget it by next month. There's suppose to be some way to properly store information in order to remember it for years and years to come.

Because I'm a flip-flopper, I wanted to read this book and see if there's some tips on focusing. I don't necessarily consider this multi-tasking (what I do) because, although I move from one thing from another, when I move from one thing to the next, I'll spend hours on the next thing that I'm focusing on.

For example, if I have two novels. I'll read one, and after about an hour, or a get through 2 chapters, I'll start to read the next book. I'll always remember what I read. Hm....I think I'm pretty good at retaining information. It does take me a few seconds to recollect what I learned, but it comes eventually. Now, I do think I retain things in my short term memory. Why? Because I'll learn something and then stop using it. It has to be constant in order for it to be something that can be considered a true piece of memory.

Well, on to better topics. Next month I'll be continuing my webcomic. I was actually dreading the time I would have to work on it....in the past :) but now I feel a bit ready more and more. It's been 2 months since my last update. D: Well, luckily I haven't gotten too far into the next Chapter.

That's just about it. Now I I'm gonna do some more reading. I'm reading about obesity in America. Sometimes I watch this show called Supersize vs. Super Skinny (it's a show from the UK, and I love their accents), and people were pretty much attacking this person who commented stating that America is an obese country. The person wasn't trying to be mean about it, but of course when theirs an opinion expressed about weight, politics or religions, someone's always there to disagree.

So I got interested in this and decided to do a bit of reading about other people's opinion on the matter. So I'm gonna continue this and sip on this peppermint tea. :)

Until next time
Mon

Odd dream

Hi!

My classes have officially began! Although it's only the second week I've been busy with brainstorming and homework...and trying to get in as many hours of sleep as I can!

So, for that very purpose, I'll get to the point.

Yesterday I had an odd dream. Recently I'll have odd dreams. It's the kind of dreams where I could feel what's happening in it. For example, let's say I get hit in the arm by a hammer, or splashed with cold water, I'd awaken suddenly feeling as if it really happened. I once had a dream where I was electrocuted and I woke up shaking like crazy.

Last night...or rather yesterday night I was sleeping (in quite a deep sleep may I add) when suddenly it I saw this giant spider. I remember the name I heard/saw a "wolf spider"! It took me by surprise!! I instantly thought "quit playing around" and I wasn't very amused.

Well, later (I can't recall if it was before or after I woke up)I wondered if there was a such thing as a wolf spider. I thought I just made it up. So I just looked it up now and it sent chills through my body.It exist! Most disgusting looking spider I've ever seen. *shivers*

When I immediately woke up from the dream I realized I was sleeping on my back. I don't often sleep on my back for this very reason, that strange things will happen. I will often, without doing so intention, flip over on my back while sleeping although I find that position of sleeping very uncomfortable. Also, sleeping on my back would often cause sleep paralysis or the feeling of falling. Since both of those sensations feel uncomfortable for me, I avoid sleeping that way.

I'll also have dreams where I'm certain I did something. I do think we dream, but I also think (and I can speak for myself mostly when I say this) that we do other things when we sleep. I've been able to differentiate this a bit for myself. Though I don't think I've had any past life dreams. Although I don't know if I'm psychic or have an enhances ability to tap into this (if I do, then it's probably so natural to me I can't even tell) I do believe in past lives. I don't need someone to tell me that it's wrong or right.

Most people would say that it's all in my head. Well, I won't argue, because it is. Every little thing I experience is all in my head. The reality I see is in my head. I could say my sense are my sense, but those sense are all connected to the mind. Everything is. That person is that person, and I'm me. I could try to argue what I see to someone, but it won't make a difference if they've never experienced something similar.

On another note, this makes me think. I haven't actually experienced this lately, but the topic of acceptance. I'll get to that some other time. For now I gotta get to bed.

Night

Mon

Feeling sluggish

I hate feeling sluggish!

Today I'm feeling sluggish again. This has been an on and off thing for the past few months. Before summer break, I had assumed it was because I was exhausted from doing a lot of school projects and constantly worrying about whether I'll make the project's deadline. Yet, I've been getting 9 hours or sleep each day and when I wake up, I feel sluggish. This normally carries up until the evening time. At about 9 p.m. I start to wake up. This leads to me being up until about 3-4 a.m.

At the moment I'm feeling drowsy despite the fact that I just woke up at around 11 a.m.

You know, usually this is what causes me to not work on drawing of animating. I guess I would consider this a lack of motivation, when it reality I'm actually just very tried. I wonder how long this has been going on. Perhaps I should exercise to get some blood flowing. I'll wait a while because I just showered.

On to my day!

Well, yesterday...or rather at around 12 midnight, I was working on a few sketches. I'm actually pretty happy with a few. When it comes to presenting anything, I realize I work fairly slow. I don't personally like it because I take so many breaks. Well, actually, sometimes I can complete something in one sitting. I guess it depends.

Also, I completed the blanket. I can't post a picture on facebook because I forgot to take a picture before giving it to my sister .__. I'll have to find another way to get a picture of it.

These past few days, the weather has been so nice. Sometimes I feel like a cat. I just want to stretch out in lie on the floor where the sun is beaming through the window.

Hm...typing this is bringing my energy level up!

Oh! You know, now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if this is a the effect of not having coffee. I haven't had coffee in about a month of two. I once read that it's common to have this kind of side effect lol caffeine sounds like an addition. It has withdrawal symptoms. The most common is feeling drowsy. Eventually I believe this effect will wear off.

I use to also drink Tai Chi green tea. It's recommended to have a cup everyday, which I did. Green tea has caffeine it in. It's a natural caffeine though. Since Tai Chi green tea is pretty expensive (about $17 per box), I bought a different brand of green tea. I don't think it's true green tea though. There's a huge difference in the taste.

Thinking on that, I can believe I'm feeling the effects lol So I've been thinking to water and/or chamomile tea. I also have these passion berry tea leaves which my older sister got me...I believe for Christmas lol the good thing is that I don't think it expires. I haven't had any because I still need to purchase a tea pot with strainer. I found a very pretty one on amazon, but I'm saving up money so I'll have to wait to get one.

All of that aside, I can see that autumn is near! It's creeping in closer and closer despite the temperature outside. I love the fall! The colors of the leaves on the trees are very beautiful to look at. There's only a hint of orange and red on some trees and others are still green. The weather is fluctuating between chilly and warm.

Oh! Speaking of weather, it makes me think of global warming. I'm a bit at ease with the change in weather. I read that this isn't anything new to earth. It's happened in the past, the fact that the earth tilts on it's axis. Supposedly this brought about the ice age. There is an insane increase in hurricanes, tsunami's and other natural disasters. That's the part I don't like.

Yet thinking on it, it became obvious that despite those events, humans are still here. Which mean some people survived all of those hardships. With events like this, new land will surface, or even old lands! This is why some people believe Atlantis will resurface. Last year there was an island that surfaced from the water. There was an article posted online about it. Honestly, it looked pretty eerie to me lol But it was definitely an island.

Also, due to the earthquake in Japan on March of 2011, some continents have moved closer together.

I veered off topic! lol

Anyway, the weather is nice. No one else is home but me, so it's really quiet. I really enjoy moments like this. Perhaps I should take a nap and enjoy it while I can! :)

Mon

Another happy mood blog!

Hi!

Today I'm in a great mood despite constantly being awaken when I was trying to sleep! Even though it's a bit chilly today, the sun is shining through the window. Actually, it was the same yesterday, but I'm really happy for some reason.

I don't have a specific thing to write about, so I guess I'll write about what I've been doing lately.

Recently I started posting more pages for my webcomic. Every time I take a break that expands beyond a month, I lose a bit of my momentum. I get rusty with using the program and planning out the panels, character position etc. However, I don't take a break completely when it comes to being creative. I read that creativity has many different meanings and it doesn't just link to being artsy!

Anyway, I've been working on that and I posted only four pages. I know it's not a lot, but I'd like to keep pushing to until I complete this webcomic. I found that I will start something and don't quite complete it. No matter how long it takes, I want to have at least a few projects that are completed and look nice. This is my own personal goal. I guess you can say it's long term.

Also I've been working on a baby blanket for my sister's baby shower. It's this week so I'm working hard on it. This time I'm weaving it. I never realized how time consuming hand crafting things could be. I like it though because I can craft whatever I want with originality. It's like having something that is completely different and (probably) not made anywhere else. So I'd like to craft many things for friends in the future :) I'm glad a friend of mines introduced me to crocheting. I do personally prefer knitting because the material comes out softer and lighter. Weaving is good for patch work I think.

Those are the two major things I've been working on, but there are a lot of other things I'd like to try! Y'know, I always look back on when I was a kid and I'd say "I'm bored!" Nowadays, I don't think I have enough time to do all that I want! Maybe because as a kid I didn't use the computer often (besides at school) and I relayed on t.v. and going outside as my source of entertainment. Yet, with the internet I can find a wide variety of new activities from all over the world! There's honestly so many, from different countries, that I'm sure can appeal to people if they're opened to trying new things.

Well, on that note I have to go out for a while.

See you in the next blog. Also, if you have any interesting hobbies, or things that interest you, feel free to leave a comment! :)

Mon

Competitive? + webcomic

For the past three days I'm been a part of this online challenge along with a team of other people from different parts of the states, Canada and the UK, and  let me tell you, with all honesty, I'm starting to realize I'm very competitive. 

Mainly the challenge is like this:

A person works with team, against other teams, to collect points. Each team as a group consisting of 5 people who are the top 5 on the leader board. These are the people who have contributed the most. 5 being the person who contributed the least, and 1 being the person who contributed the most. Although there is a leaderboard everyone on the team contributes points to the total amount. The reason for the leaderboard is to reward the top contributors with 500-100 points reward for redeeming prizes from this website. 

For the first time, out of all the challenges, I'm on the leaderboard! 

I started when the challenge first began which was about three days ago. It started at 2 a.m. and I saw that 5 people had already shown up on the board and they had small numbers of points they contributed. So I thought I'd give it a shot to see what it's like to be on the board. Boy did I put myself in some mess lol 

The day before I had awaken at around 11 a.m....or was it 12 noon. Anyway, I woke up lol And I didn't go to sleep until about 9 a.m. the next morning. Then, after worrying while trying to sleep, I woke up at 11 a.m. to start contributing and collecting more points lol Then I stayed up again without a nap until about 4 a.m. the next morning, which was yesterday morning and now it's 5 a.m. lol I took a tiny 15 minute nap before 2 a.m.

Before taking my nap I thought about Albert Einstein and how he would take tiny 5 minute naps. I thought 5 minutes isn't enough and I realize that it would be too insane lol so I took a 15 minute nap. 

Now, I'm constantly trying to keep my place on the board and I realized that there is a challenge within a challenge (Inception?), I'm working against my own teammates to get the top position  lol with an honest heart this is the case. 

It's not so much that I want the reward points. Nope. I just want my name on the board lol I get to see my points against the number one spot. I can easily gain enough points myself to match the reward.

In the past I always tried to catch up, so actually being on the board is quite tiresome yet very exciting. Something like this must not go out of control lol it reminds me of my first time going to the casino. I had went in with 5 dollars I believe. I turned that into 25, and then 40. At that time my older sister's friend (it was my older sister, her friend and myself, and it was my birthday) said something like "wow. You doubled you're money. You should walk away."But noooo. I didn't reply, I simply thought, smiling on the inside "What if I can double this?" and walked to a new slot machine. I walked out empty handed and defeated lol Luckily I didn't bring much money with me lol 

I'm always thinking "there's definitely something to improve on" it's like perfectionist mixed with a competitive nature. 

Besides that I like typing back and forth to my teammates. In the past when I wasn't on the board I always thought the people on the board were...well a bit too reserved lol they didn't really communicate with the team and seemed more to themselves and collecting points for themselves. Of course it sounds similar to me right?  lol But I share my techniques willingly. I like typing with everyone :) 

Also, they have this idea that I'm very good at the challenge lol I keep telling them that it's my first time. I share what I can. I dunno, I guess people look at the people on the leaderboard as well...leaders lol It's funny and cute because I would do this too. Like *falls on the ground with hands out, crawling towards the people on the leaderboard* "Please shed some of your leadershipness to my head oh great one" as if forgetting that they're humans lol 

Well, being acknowledged for putting forth effort to accomplish something is great. But I had one person excessively stating that I was better than them at this. That's not the case at all. I never believe that. If only they knew my secret hidden motivation lol 

WEBCOMIC**

Recently...okay for the past few months, I haven't been such a dedicated webcomic artist. Of course I still have many ideas, it's just that I have to work out the details to properly tell the story. This is something I didn't do in the beginning and I'm paying dearly for it! 

I'm quite serious when it comes to the matter of properly making a story flow. It's honestly taken me a lot of times and I have many drafts. I like to come up with ideas and more and more ideas and try to figure out how to either summarize it into a few scenes, or into actions rather than words. I've also been reading a lot about story writing. 

My sister says that I'm over-thinking everything lol Ha! I'm honestly getting use to this. Perhaps it's more like a compliment now. My reason for this is because I've seen quite a few movies where I became upset with myself for watching it. I would wonder if the writer thought things through properly. I would honestly think it's an very bad movie overall. Plotholes everywhere! I would wonder if they even tried!!

So I don't want to be that kind of storyteller. I want to understand my characters completely. When I understand them, no matter what, when a person see its,they will understand the character as well. It takes time to bring something to life. I don't want to just toss something together and hand it to my readers. No. They deserves a good story. By good I mean a story that makes sense and is easy to follow. 

This goes for a lot of things I do in life. Whenever I choose to pursue something, I work hard at it. This is actually something I've recently picked up after my senior year in high school. It hasn't failed me. 

Such a thing isn't so hard at all. It just takes effort. It does take time. Most people would probably call it work perhaps because it involves physical work (such as drawing), and yeah, that part can be a bit annoying, but hey, it's necessary isn't it? 

I find the difficult part to be taking something completely intangible, something that is completely from my mind and sharing it as best as I can in a tangible fashion. When I realized that artist who sculpt or paint or draw have to deal with this, I question if they have moments like this as well. 

I remember during my art history class I learned that Leonardo Da Vinci had a lot of incomplete work (he's one of my favorite artist!). It helped me to realize that, although his work is beautiful and surreal at times, he was still very human. He had images that were also about muscles and the golden ratio, devices and inventions and sculptures. He probably flip-flopped as well lol

Y'know, if I astral project he's the one being I could think about meeting lol Most people would want to meet Jesus or God, but me? No, I want to meet the soul of Leonardo lol 

Okay, I feel myself steering off topic. 

So, back to the point. My readers have become my focus, that and creating a story worth reading. I try to make sure I don't get TOO serious or else I'll lose the purpose of being creative and enjoying things altogether. Art isn't always about getting it or having a story or purpose. Sometimes it's just about a feeling or an image or something random. It doesn't mean much of anything but to exist from where it came from.

:) Some art is that way, but because I'm dealing with a story, I need to consider many things. After all I don't have an editor. I have a friend who has helped me in the past. I called her my editor for fun. But overall, I'm the creator of the story and of whether or not it will have meaning or a purpose. 

Well it's 6 a.m. now lol I need to go to bed. 

Night

Mon

Missed the signs

This weekend I'll be staying at my older sister's place. Today my mom, younger sister and I will surprise her with a baby bed. As I'm packing my stuff I came across a box with a baby magazine and it occurred to me that it was a possible sign, a very obvious yet confusing sign.

 I've read that spirits don't communicate the same as humans. Meaning they don't actually use human languages...or something like this. Most of the time they send signs. 

Anyway, to the point. Months ago I kept receiving these baby magazines in the mail. I constantly kept questioning "why am I receiving this? I don't remember subscribing to something like this!" but I ended up saving the magazines anyways. At one point my older sister jokingly asked "are you pregnant? Is there something I don't know about?" Hee hee well the tables have turned my friend lol 

As soon as I saw the magazine I thought "Oh! Ah-ha! That's what that was all about!" 

A coincidence? Or an obvious sign? 

Well if it's a coincidence I've had plenty of those in my life. Way too many. Yet it takes me months after the event to understand the reason for it. 

Mon

What looking on the bright side has taught me

Hi!

How are you? Me? I'm doing a lot better today!

Today I want to write about looking on the bright side. I enjoy doing this. I enjoy seeing that things will get better. However, looking on the bright side has actually taught me something and that something is that being optimistic all the time can have its disadvantages as well.

I think it raises that thought that nothing could go wrong and we expect a great deal. For example, if I look forward to a certain day I may expect so much with a bright heart. This isn't wrong nor bad, but I learned to just, although I have a plan, take what I get. Of course we can crave our own path, but it's really what we do while on that path that really matters.

This is mainly about being realistic. I found that I would often give myself a huge project to do and at the time it sounds like a really great idea. In my mind I see what amazing thing I can create to present to the world. Only to find out that I've depleted all my energy after the second day. Then I'd look at the project out of breath (not literally) thinking "what the heck did I get myself into?" and then I'd end up playing a video game....and then the procrastination sets in.

Although I've had teachers ask me "are you sure about this?" or I'll read a guide that says "set realistic boundaries" I just think "Pfft! Away with your rules" with a wave of my wrist.

It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I'm a flip-flopper and I don't like deadlines.

In a way I find that knowing who we really are as a person can really help because we know what are strength and weaknesses are. That way, you can look at a situation realistically and say "well, I know I can do this, but I'm having a problem in this area when it comes to working on something" and while working out that problem, slowly make the needed adjustments to improve that weakness. Weaknesses can be strengthen! It just takes time.

I'm a pretty optimistic person and I believe in giving chances, but I also understand that some people can be harmful without a care. I'll even say that when I write blogs here with the intention of lifting people, I wonder if people will read in between the lines and see the gray areas as well.

For example, I may say that it's good to acknowledge people's weakness and if they try hard to work at it but they fail, give them a chance. Yet, I don't think I have to say that if the person fails and they want you to stick around to constantly do the work for them, then walk away because they aren't going to learn that way.

In a way I would hope that people can understand or come to understand that there's another side to these blogs than that.

Yet, I feel that sometimes some people need these kinds of things spelled out to them. With things like knowing looking look both ways before crossing a street, or wearing extra clothing in the cold, most people would consider this common sense, but some people may either think their indestructible or they don't know...or maybe they do know but they don't care for safety...or they like the thrill lol either way I'm always wonder if I should elaborate on something or not. I wonder this for the simple reason that regardless of what I example, a person may interpret it however they want, or however their brain processes it simply due to what they know.

I don't think people will get it the way you GET IT, simply because they aren't you or living as you. You've experienced things from a unique perspective that is completely for you. Now, that doesn't mean people can't relate, it's just things can't be completely understood the way you may want it to. Which is why I've come to see that I don't need to explain every little detail. What does matter, however, is whether or not you've gain some kind of answer from my blogs.

If you feel or think "I knew it" or "I needed someone to say that" or anything like that, that's the whole point.

Also, I've come to think my blogs sound harsh. I think it's because there are times when there is no nice way to say something.

For example, you can't throw your girlfriend a your-boyfriend-is-cheating-on-you party and expect that the cake, ice cream and balloons will make things better lol Sometimes things will get serious, but it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Think of it like this, when you know you have to actually get to work, you become serious right? But you can still have fun!

I've had my younger sister tell me I"m harsh. The way she puts it makes it seem as if I'm mean or inconsiderate. Well, that incorrect. I can tolerate things only for so long. After a while the eyebrows draw closer to the eyes and neck starts to rotate lol

So, although I say view things realistically, it doesn't mean give up on being optimistic. Balance is key! Don't worry though, I'm still learning to balance things out too! I'm wobbly when it comes to physical work, but I think I'm pretty decent when it comes to working with my mind. So I'm read about self-discipline because I know it's what I should learn if I want to improve.

Yet, this is by choice. No one in my family tells me I have to do this.All the work I've done up until is by choice. I tell myself I have to work harder. I tell myself I have to work out.

Now, a family member can tell me to do something, but it's really up to me on whether I want to or not. :)

Be happy. Smile. Be healthy~

Mon

Mini accident

Today was....quite eventful lol oh boy.

I was involved in a mini car accident. Luckily no one was majorly hurt. The guy and I only had minor scraps.


I'll tell the story. I decided to go to the zoo with my sisters. As we were driving I was resting my head near the window but decided to lean more towards the center. As we're coming up to this intersection downtown I see this man on a bike. My sister proceeds through the intersection and the man proceeds through the intersection and comes riding his bike dead onto the door and window where I'm sitting!! The glass of the window shatters all on me and on the seat in the back. Before the impact I tried to warn my sister, and honestly I wasn't even sure if I said anything because suddenly just seeing the glass break in front of my face took me by surprise.

The funny thing is is that I had time to process that something was about to happen.

So anyway, I tell her to pull over to the side and she does. She's the first one to hop out of the car. I'm still a bit in shock, but I move to the other side of the car and get out. When I get out I see two guys standing near the light and I started searching the ground for a body lol but the guy was standing up on the corner with his bike.

Honestly I was seriously worried and I'm so glad he was okay. He only had like two scratches on his side and had tiny bruises on his arm. I had tiny pieces of glass in my hand and wrist. My sisters were perfectly fine and the guy and I had most of the impact lol

Urgh, honestly I've been thinking "there will be some kind of accident" these past few months. I try to avoid thinking that way and push the thought away.But I only think that way because of the way my sister drives. She often text while driving, and despite me constantly telling her not to, she does it anyways. So I don't really like driving with her.

Back to the accident, I'm so happy that it wasn't as bad as it looks. The door on the side I was sitting on was dented up a little and the window was completely smashed. I tried to push out the parts that I could, but there's a chunk dangling.

The guy decided to not press charges.

Honestly it was nothing more than an accident. I guess he couldn't process to brake quick enough. He just came out and slammed into the car. His bike was okay. And he just hopped back on after the ambulance showed up and patched him up.

All I kept thinking was how happy I was that I moved my head a few minutes before it happened.

Ugh, the worst part about things like that is that it kind of sticks with me. Although it's not a car on car collision it really bothers me. I've been hit by a car only once, and I instantly started to wonder if that's how the person felt when they hit me. The difference was that they hit me and I flew over the car lol I was a superhero was a while!

But in all honesty, I was disappointed that my sister kept making a joke of it. I look at this situation very seriously. It could've been worst. Her and my mom started joking on the phone about how many people they have hit and my sister kept constantly saying "I already hit one person today, I'm not afraid to hit another" to pedestrians crossing the street slowly. I'm all for lightheartedness, but that's a situation where you're joking about someone's life.  She even told me she was planning on just driving off after the guy impacted the car.  *sighs* I always imagine if it were a child or friend of mines how it would devastate me to find that someone just did a hit and run. Just take half of the responsibility and learn from the lesson (if it's you and the other person's fault). Perhaps they wanted to make the situation less stressful. No true harm done, right?

Well, we went to the zoo still. Which was a but weird for me at first because of what happened, but I tried to enjoy the trip. Besides that problem, the rest of the day went pretty well. All I can say is I'm happy.I took a few pictures and got some awesome animal model shots lol I pretended the animals were model and I put on my best Aussie accent while filming them. Then we went to get food from a vegetarian restaurant and after that we went for ice cream!

I actually didn't mind getting out of the house today, although it was hot! I try to avoid the sun and heat. I like to go out when it's around 5-ish because the sun is not has harsh.

But I do wonder why my side of the car?? lol Well, I'm still alive and that's great. It was a bit surreal, but hm...maybe it's a lesson on being aware of your surroundings. I really hope that guy stops at all stop lights before crossing. He said he was only looking at the walk-sign. Well, that's certainly no good.

Even at a red light I make sure to check before crossing. Sometimes people may drive through not seeing that the light is red. I'm cautious in that situation as well.

This is the second accident I've been in, and the third life threatening event I've been in in my life thus far lol My body might be like "wait...not yet. I still got stuff to do" lol


Realllyyy sleepy. Time to head to bed!

See you in the next blog :)

Mon

More on seeing with the beliefs (mind)

Hi!

Boooyyyyy do I have a new blog for you! Okay, it's not completely new, it's about viewing things in life. Why do I keep talking about this you ask. Well, it's very simple, what we view in life is very important to what we intend to do in life!  What we view can set motion to intentions. So I feel it's very important to discuss. From the moment we can see things in life as a baby we are constantly processing information. Also, I started reading an article which kind of ticked me off.

Well, I'll explain what it was about.

So there is this thing in the black community of not having an equal share, or equal rights, or things of this nature. This really REALLY bothers me. It also bothers me when they speak as if they've never picked up an English book, and yet they complain that they can't find a decent job.

Anyway, that's not the point (I'll probably make a blog about the things I've experienced when it comes to conversing with people who are more skin-oriented than they are with the bigger picture), the point is about why I allowed myself to get irritated, and then I'll move on to the blog.

Mainly I will get an idea to read something regardless of how ridiculous it may seem, or how I may feel about it. I do this because I'd like to gain a better understanding and try to put aside my own ideas about things. IN other words, I'd like to hear the other side speak.

So, I decided to do this as a way to become more tactful. Allow people to believe, think and feel what they like, as it's their life and they are free to live it as they please. I made this rule for myself as a way to ALLOW life for others. Yet, I still find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" because there's a very large amount of questionable moments and words I've read and I have experienced in life.

I read this article in which someone was...well they had a question mark, but in a way it seems as if they were insinuating that white people are mean.

Honestly, this whole skin color thing is annoying. I know that there are some people who have moved past this, but there are still a huge handful of...well blacks who are still dividing themselves from others. This separation is no good, and in the end they'll likely just end up being upset. No matter how you look at it, things are moving in the direction where people will began to intermingle with each other regardless of skin color.

I'm also tried of hearing people say "We bleed the same color" lol It's a nice saying, but it's kind of worn our. If you really want to give an interesting speech, speak from the heart. Let your message be heard!

I've seen enough interracial relationships to understand that this is not a problem for some people. I'm all for whatever kind of relationships as long as the people are happy. I'm all for people being happy, but not at the expense that they deprive someone else of their happiness. I don't care if two white people are married, or two black people are married or two Asians are married or two Latinos are married, I just care about their happiness. If they treat each other right, it's not a crime. They aren't hurting anyone.

People look at the problems from history, the bad things, but what about the good that have come from it. Those people didn't fight so we can still make a big deal out of the problem they worked so hard to try to fix. Imagine (and I'm not sure if this is even a problem) if North and South America still waged war with one another. A bloody battle down the tube! Just for more people to kill themselves.

I expressed to my sister (very disappointed) that all the ignorant people will likely get rid of themselves. I really don't like calling people ignorant, but it's the only word I can think of that doesn't seem to harsh. I don't want to call them stupid or dumb, because I'm sure they contain some kind of sense. It's just they choose to want to lack knowledge and understanding. It's seriously by choice.

"*POINTS* How do you know its' by choice?! You're probably the idiot behind your stupid laptop typing away and calling me ignorant!!"

A choice is simply this: if you choose to wage war with someone over their skin color and calling them names, you are certainly choosing a negative and hateful action. This requires choice. You're choosing that action. If you're not than I think you seriously need to speak to someone about that.

I really don't like to speak like this, but I'm just seriously disappointed and ashamed that some people still feel this way. There's honestly nothing wrong with diversity. We can seriously learn a lot from each other. We need to stop thinking that we're either A. above others or B. below others. No. The difference is that some people work harder than others.

I'll give an example. Rich and poor. I became curious about this so I looked up a few answers, from rich people, about how feel about being rich. Seriously, they really seem like normal people. A few of them said they want to collect their own money based on their own accomplishment. Some people are born into wealth, others actually acquire it by making smart investments and budgeting their money properly.

Planning is key!

That being said, rich people do commit crimes as well! Because they have money does not mean they don't have problems too! The same holds true for any person of any skin color! Japan has a very low crime rate, but that doesn't mean they don't have crimes! Some people do crazy things.

It's not the problem of skin color, but the lack of not wanting to look beyond that and see that those biased ideas are ignorantly based on our own subjective perception.

Which finally brings me to the point of the blog lol

Skin color is something that is completely based on the sense of sight. If we had no eyesight we would likely be reliant on our sense of sound to determine if the person sounds good or bad to us. It then becomes a judgement of character.

Now, this is the important part: CHARACTER. Tear away sight and you can't rely on that.

Sight is a very great thing! If you believe in a creator or not, some of us were lucky to be born with it! Imagine, you could've been born without it. Some people would say "Well, I'd be happy! This world is nothing good to look at!" And even that statement is based on what you think you see, rather that what really is.

I'll give an example. Have you ever had someone start speaking to you and instantly you butt in, assuming that you knew what they were going to say before they even finished.....just to find out they weren't going to even say anything about it? Well, I have PLENTY of times.

So who am I to speak on something like this when I'm dealing with the same thing? Well, I'm a person who is aware of this habit and I'm working to improve that portion of myself.It's called SELF improvement for a reason. In the end, it really is the individual's choice to improve who they are.

Here's what I noticed happens as I continue my improvement journey (it's mainly just self-discovery, but whatever):

People notice these qualities and become happy!

They say "Well that's really nice of you!" and their mood is lifted, AND if they took anything from the situation, they may want to practice what I do and help someone else out. This is called the ripple effect. I've learned a few things from a friend of mines, she's very wise and she helped me a lot with understanding that I can't save the world, but I can definitely lend a hand!

I've finally figured out how. By doing just what I'm doing now. Being ME. When I'm who I am, people will meet me and come to either say "I like" or "I don't like", the ones who "like" will probably take something from our encounter. Seriously, I'm not looking for people to compliment me on my behavior, if they take something from our conversation or they learned something new, then I'm happy. Mainly because there was a shift.

A shift is very small sometimes, but over time it moves from one place to the next. Seriously, knowing this has helped me to not feel I have to keep jumping into every little problem, or want to intervene in everything little heated discussion between my mom and siblings. I do, however, observe the situation and wonder what might be the reason behind it.

You see, I'm slowly, but surely, shifting the way I view things. It's a little strange because I don't have very many worries, but my mind is not as cluttered.

Shifting...or better yet, I'll say considering, other things can open you up to other possibilities. Don't just toss all your beliefs away! You don't have to do this. Considering things is not about getting rid of who you are, it's taking something new into account. It's not just automatically believing, it's giving something a chance.

Sometimes we may be so stuck on the fact that we know, and we assume that we know, but honestly there's not just one way of knowing.

What I found to be interesting is that most of what we feel we know is a branch of the same tree. Yet, if we're so stuck clinging to one little leaf to allow ourselves to drift freely in the wind and see the tree, we're gonna miss the bigger picture.

Is this wrong? Absolutely not. But eventually you'll probably get bored and let go lol

So, the point of all of this?

Give things a chance. It may not be easy at first, but at least try to see things from another perspective. Speaking from experience, I know it's not easy. I still have a tough time with doing this.

I will give a bit of advice. If something just isn't for you, then let it go and move on with your life. If you don't think interracial dating is for you, then just accept that it's not for you and leave it be. But slamming people over what they like is just plan...well it's not what you would want right? Because then there will be a pointless argument that could've been avoided altogether.

Well, that's all for now.

Mon

What I've come to understand about life

It's late, as always. After this blog I'll head to bed,but before this I want to share a few thoughts I have about life.

A few years back I went through a very VERY tough internal  battle. It was really horrible! But I look at it now as a growing experience. In a way that experienced helped me to see things differently. All of the troubles and worries that I had during that time doesn't seem to phase me as much. Yeah, I still get irritated and annoyed, but if I take a minute to sit down and see the situation, I think it through and see that there's really not fault or any blame. Now, I won't say I make excuses for others, but I do excuse them. I don't blame them. I do understand now that people are, as hard as it is to believe, responsible for what they speak, think and feel. The moment you actually grasp this concept the easier things become.

In a situation, isn't it true that we're responsible for what comes out of our mouths (the words we speak). I can understand that most people think that whatever they think they will think. Yet, meditation is a great teacher. And it teaches that you ca silence the mind with diligence, patience and time. It may be possible that some people do not want to find the time. If we really want to do something, and I mean we really want it, then we will pursue it with determination! But most people may be happy with constantly blaming and pointing fingers. Honestly, the change really does come from within.

Luckily I've had the privilege of having my eyes opened to understanding this. I met someone who I could vent to during the tough times. In a way, I guess I was trying to put the pieces together. And although I'm still not quite sure of my purpose, it doesn't make life any less enjoyable. I've found that I'm more at peace just walking around outside than I am thinking about how to fill my schedule. And, perhaps our purpose of being here is as simple as us just learning to live.

I think if our purpose was to just live and experience, most people would go nuts because it doesn't pave a clear path for them! This is t he purpose, that path or paths are craved by us, and there are multiple paths!

We may think "well, I took that path and it didn't give me good results", and that's okay, it's all about living and learning. You mess up, what do you do? Will you just sit there and let the experience consume you and take the best of you? Or will you get up and try something new?? I sometimes see people sticking with the first one.

Rather than admitting that they're really staying in the situation because they choose to, they rather blame someone else because it's easier and it makes them worry less. I mean, if you had told yourself "it's me who's choosing this" wouldn't it make sense that you'll start to wonder why? Why deal with such a problem? Why question yourself?

Well, respects to everything I just typed, everyone views life differently. Okay, before I say what I'm going to say, I'll admit that I'm still learning to be tactful. So, with that in mind, I'll say that I don't think my views are the only way of living life. That's definitely not what I'm saying at all, but I'm sure that a lot of time when I speak or type, it may come off as it seeming as if my way is the right way.No.

Now I will say that viewing things or even considering things in a way that will help you positively, could benefit you. And that's why I share what I do. So, I'm sharing advice and suggestions to give you. Think of it as someone who has experienced things and have a bit of and understanding. What I'm giving to you isn't a way of saying "You must live this way" but I'm providing insight to improving what you see.

I'm can't make you see what I see, and our life paths are likely different, but I can say that what you view in your life and how you react to those things can either benefit you and help you grow, or cause unwanted and unnecessary complications.

With that being said, I'd like to continue.

Life is only as difficult as we view it/ think it is.

Recently I've come to understand that a lot of religions pretty much help people view life in a certain way. It gives them some kind of hope/faith and it provides them with morals to live by. The fact that there are many different religions out there to suit different people, seems very similar to different fields of studies which suit different people. Yet, the only issue I have is that some of the religions try to instill fear based behaviors and cause people to...well pick at people who don't believe what they believe. In a way, I find that very contradicting. Treat the people in your religion nicely, but look down on the one's who aren't and try to convert them to your side.

That constant struggle to make other believe another is always just going to be a struggle. Why? Well, I'll give you my theory. Imagine if you have a passion for something. You really love this thing, be it art, music, whatever. Now, imagine if someone comes in and tells you that what you love is wrong WRONG WRONG. How could something I love be wrong?

Now that pushing and pulling leads people to believe that violence is the answer. That killing is okay because it's what their god would want. Honestly, this just sounds like something a human with a hateful heart would want. Humans are this way. If gods are strong, they would be able to do everything. Why work through you? Allow them to do what they do, right? A lot of those things really bother me (I'm making this personal now lol) because these are honestly things from humans.

Humans have anger and hateful thoughts. If there's a way to eliminate that which causes them those feelings, it would seem that they can just say their god wants them to eliminate it. Then it's not THEIR fault, and it's not GOD'S fault, it's the person who causes the problem's fault. You can't blame the god because this god is superior and could never do any wrong, and you can't blame the messenger because because they were doing the will of god. It's always this thing.

Anyway, this blog is suppose to be about enjoying life lol  In a way, I guess people won't be able to enjoy it very much if this is the problem, right? If there's always this pulling and pushing, how can you enjoy anything. It's like tugging on a rope all your life, constantly placing your focus on the opposing team rather than putting the rope down, looking around, and realizing that there's more to see in life than red! In my opinion, I definitely see this as being key.

A few days ago I was thinking about how, years ago when I was in middle school, I said my apologies to God when I decided I won't follow a religion. At the time, I was honestly afraid, and more and more I thought "bad things will happen!" but I was wrong. No, I think that dark void I was in those past years was because I was working through all that stuff I was told to believe. I was torn between staying the way I was and moving on to something new.

It's a tough battle! It doesn't make much sense, and sometime it may not even feel as if you're battling your beliefs, opinions, feelings, but it's honestly this. You have all the things coming at once.

I don't regret the choice I made. I feel a lot more love, I feel less stress and I feel as if there are no boundaries or limitations. That I can question just about anything. Now something I've realized is that I don't question this Creator, I question the way that people go about describing It. I don't say things like "How do I know you're real?" well that's dumb, because even if I didn't believe something was real or not, it exist for that second because I questioned it. It can cease to exist, but it exist because you had a thought about it. So in a way it still exist even if you put it out of your mind.

Once I stopped wondering what was, and what isn't, I realized that just about everything can be! And what's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing. I think when what we think is actually put into life and made physical, that's when it may become a problem.We can do so much, and yet people tend to forget that.

"Words can't hurt me!" but it seems that words are what cause people to lose their motivation, it kind or tears us down a bit at a time. But we're so strong, we believe we can do just about anything! But I do believe what we say about others can tear at their pieces.

How to enjoy life? When you become you, when you understand yourself, when you understand that no one can rip apart who you truly are at the core, and that they are experiencing their truth for their own learning experience, I definitely believe that you will be able to enjoy life. Why? Because you stop worrying about what the other person is.

What I mean is this, people are experiencing things as they need to. They are experimenting with life. I'm not saying don't help others, that's far beyond it. I'm saying that when you understand that there is you and then there is them, but you're both living separate human experiences for the same purpose, there's an understanding of a connection.

Hm...Oh! The best way I can describe it is as a family. Now, if you don't have a family and you have no idea what it's like to live in one, that's a journey that you can learn to understand. Don't think you're not worthy of being able to create a family. Family doesn't have to be related by blood. Hm....prepares I should say a close-knit relationship. Being with people who actually understand you, who at least try to get you. People with whom you can feel close with.

In life, some people's purpose in life is very different from our own. That doesn't mean they're torn apart from us. No, they are the other half to our globe. Maybe it's even split into tiny sections.

What I'm trying to say is, try viewing everyone as a relative. Some are distant cousins, some our mothers and fathers. Now, with this, I've come to realize that even my own mom is dealing with her own problems, so are my sisters, my grandma, my uncles, etc. They have their weaknesses and they have their strong points. I like to focus on the strong points. I like to focus on the parts that irk me and dig deep into why it irks me. I like to bounce off of their quirks and see what I can do to improve. I can't say "that's my brother!" to people out in the world, I do see them as different people from different places, but I don't consider them foreign or alien. I understand that they're different by how they view things because of what they've been through, and their culture. But I don't see them as not being human.

Most people can say brother or sister to relate to others, I just say human. But whatever suits you, go for it.

Well, that's all for now.

Mon