Fear of scrutiny

Hi!

So recently I haven't been in the mood to type....wait, I'll rephrase that, I have been wanting to type, but I haven't been in the mood to actually do the typing. It's been this way for about a year now....but it's become more intense these past few months.

I think it's seriously boiled down to my fear of messing up. I have a pretty idea of why this has surfaced and is a problem now. Throughout my life I've taken suggestions or words that others have said very personally. Yet, I understand now that doing this is kind of pointless. Why? It's simply because those people aren't living your life. If you're happy living a certain way and it's not harming anyone, than what they say really shouldn't matter.

Yet, we live in a culture where fitting in seems to be essential. No one wants to be a true outcast, as much as they would want to be an individual. This is the obstacle I'm faced with. Here's the thing, and I'll explain why I find this situation so perplexing to me. I'm aware of the issues, I know what I have to do, I'm just having a tough time doing it.

In the past (growing up), when I would draw a picture I never colored my human characters with dark skin. My sister and mom would always question why I didn't color my characters with darker skin. Of course I didn't feel compelled to. It had nothing to do with anything. I just thought "this color would look best for what I'm going for." So if I was to draw a character that is suppose to be of some humid and summer-like climate, I would probably color them with darker skin. Them constantly making that statement made me wonder if I was being biased with my drawings. I started to feel compelled to draw and color the way that would satisfy them.Then came my classes where I would do things the way I wanted to, only to have my teachers make comments that a different way is better. I would follow by this even though I didn't want to.

Suddenly, I soon began to realize that I just can't produce work without effort like I use to. During my middle school and early high school years I felt my work was effortless. I wasn't trying to please anyone. I was just drawing and I enjoyed doing it when I was bored in class. Yet, I started to realize that something was wrong. Things were flowing, but I was stifled. I had ideas, I would write them, only to find that I'm too tired to write. I had things coming, but I just don't feel like doing anything. Am I becoming lazy? Have I lost my "thing"?

I've come to this conclusion. Actually, it's been this way for a few days now that I've shut myself off. I'm being lazy from wanting to write (which is causing me to fall behind in my capstone class because I don't feel like writing and I have a 15 page paper that's due...I'll get to this later), drawing or creating anything in general. I'm just SO tired. The conclusion is that I've done this to myself. It's kind of like, if I can't be who I am, then why should I create anything? My soul has responded in this way.

I've been sleepy and all I want to do is sleep. Most days I'm just sitting and thinking absolutely nothing. I would feel so miserable! While everyone else is in my household having fun, I'm slump in my room trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I accounted this to me becoming very restless to the point of it being unbearable, and it truly has been. I pitch these ideas to people and they enjoy them, yet, I just can't seem to produce anything.

So what's the point in typing this? Well, I figured that if I write what I'm thinking and feeling, I will find some kind of release. I know that the most obvious thing to do is to just DO. Seriously, before I wrote this, I walked through this door and there were all these papers posted on the wall and all kinds of quotes from people who are story-writers. They all said similar things "just do it without restricting yourself" is the message I got. My teachers have been saying it. They say "you over think!" and I didn't think I did. I thought I was just trying to understand. I still think I do try to understand, but I try to understand things so well and so much, that I miss the true purpose, and that's just the experience of it.

I've lost light of my true enjoyment, and that's learning without trying to learn. It's understanding through experience, not trying to understand the experience. In the past, I would take what I get, feel something about it, dislike it or not, and move on. It was that simple. Now, I think think and think.

Art is not about thinking. It's simply about doing. It's not about understanding what's being done, it's about just feeling it and going along with it. These words that I'm typing now are flowing freely.

Even with blogging, I've been boggled down with wondering what I should and shouldn't type. The purpose, that I've come to understand, is that I should type what's on my mind or my heart. It means something to me, and it may or may not mean anything to me.

You see, when I type stories, I started to consider the people who will be viewing it, rather than what the characters would and wouldn't do, regardless of how silly or sad it becomes. I began to wonder what the viewers would like. This isn't a bad thing, but I've become so focused on this that I limit myself to my free flowing ideas.

From few experiences I've had where people questioned my work, I thought "I'd like to make them enjoy my work" when in reality, I can't make anyone like anything. They'll like or dislike what they want and the same holds true for me.

So to my capstone class. We have this paper that we have to write. Out of the whole 7 weeks, I've only gotten 4 pages done. As I said, I limited myself. So I would write what I can and feel miserable that I just don't get it. So my teacher ended up scolding me yesterday lol she told me I was complaining. I didn't want to believe I was complaining. She said that I should just write and that she's given me all the advice that she can, but I may not be getting it.

I'll say this, I was complaining, but not at her, at myself. It was frustrating that, although she gave me all this advice, I couldn't bring myself to just write. I know I can write because I blog so much lol

So, I won't just type this without a resolution. Here is my solution. I take what I learned about writing, consider the things I've been thought, but create the way I want. For example, in my 3D modeling class, my teacher was suggesting that I model to scale. Well, I like math, but I'm not good with measurements, or even simple math (don't judge me lol) So I instantly retorted "what if it's suppose to be this way?" he told me not to get sassy with him lol I won't lie, I do this when I'm trying to make a point lol What's funny is that it works?

Anyway, after researching why I should learn to build to scale, it was simply because it lights more realistically. WOOOO HOOOO! Why didn't he just say that? lol My question is, what if I didn't want realistic lighting? Anyway, I was being difficult. I ended up following his suggestion. In the end, I didn't have to. I never have to take anyone's advice but here's the thing: I did. And I've learned new things that I can use, but I that I don't have to.

So in respects to that, I do believe, in some way, I should learn to balance out what I learned with what I'm use to. It's advancing what I already enjoy, with what I learned. I think I have a difficult time incorporating things subtly.

Now I know what I should do. I will do my best to just DO. It's the most important thing. It's not wrong. If I find something that can be improved, I can improve it. I'll never have anything to show for myself, if I never create it. In my mind it will tend to dwell and live, but I won't see the results if I don't bring it to physical existence. More than anything, it's moreso for me and if people like it, I'll be happy. I will admit honestly, that having people enjoy something you create, kind of brings a feeling of togetherness. It shows that maybe I'm not so unusual in regards that I'm still very human. My ideas may be different, but that togetherness that we reach for with opened hands, is what brings us closer and closer together.

I'm all about togetherness. Be it near or far, beyond the limitation of skin, gender, and race, there is something in all of us that is very similar. It's not just the air we breath, the lungs in our chest, the heart that beats or the brains we fill with knowledge, it is this tiny piece we can't seem to reach because it's so silent and it observes, and it knows.

This is what I'm trying to reach.

With that said, I feel better. I'm going to get to work on reaching that point as much as possible.

Oh, by the way, I will start affirming every morning, that I do not lose sight of this purpose I'm purposing. I find that it's all to easy....with time, to fall off the true path. I understand that this can or will happen, it's all about connecting back to that true purpose. I will muster up strength, and I call forth supporting help to help me. Everyday I'll affirm that my head and my heart will stay clear. The path I want to walk, is one in which I can bring people closer and closer together. How I'll go about that? I'll do it by the means I have available with me now, and that's through my art and my stories. Even if it doesn't seem that my art has the meaning that I'm trying to portray, it doesn't matter. If it's sad, it will be sad. And you know what? People will see that it's sad. And sadness is something that we all feel at some point, and on some level. If it's funny, that is good too.

It's not to judge or be critical on whether or not what I'm creating is something that is a message. By this I mean, I don't want to think to much about the message. This is where I messed myself up lol this may work for some people, but I'm much more organic. I don't need to think about that because I feel and my work is based on this. I feel what my characters should do. I feel what they should say. I don't need to think about whether or not the message will be clear, because with feelings people will take the message as a feeling and not as a thought....sometimes.

So in that regards, now I'm done. If in some way this has helped you, I'm happy.

Now I should get to work.

Mon