12/22/15 Updates

I'm kind of getting tired, so I'll try to keep this brief.

So recently I started my Japanese studies again. It's not that I truly stopped, it's just that I don't move forward with as much zest as I use to. I've learned so much about Japan, and they're having a tough time there as well. I guess in a way the thought of visiting during tough times aren't so appealing. Also it could've been my "false" outlook on what I thought Japan is like, versus what it's really like. I mean false impression. But regardless every country will have it's faults and flaws, it doesn't mean I won't go though. If I do I already have some places in mind :3

I also have a friend in China who wants me to visit her! Recently she is moving forward in life and is now dating. Congrats to her~~~~ :) I often told her that I'd like to have some kind of stability before traveling. My need for stability likely stems from my childhood. Honestly, constantly moving, my mom being in and out of jobs, just all kind of unexpected things really got me looking at my future like "should I just go with the flow?" lol I am a go with the flow kind of person. By that I mean if I want to do something I'll do it, if not, I won't. But I feel it helps to have some idea/goals in life. Not just letting yourself be swept away by the tides of life. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. I guess this can be applied to what I feel.

Actually, when I think about adulthood, I don't think it's TOO hard. Here's my  feelings on it. Mainly, when I look at the adults nowadays it seem as if they aren't too happy with where they are. Or rather, I've seen quite a few. Older people working in jobs where they aren't happy. I have a few friends who work in retail and they complain all the time. We think that we should accept whatever we can because "It pays the bills", and that kind of thing is super sad. Rather than doing what we enjoy, we spend so many years working in a place where we aren't happy. What good is that??

So I've been thinking about that. I've been wondering what I'd be happy doing. I have a lot of interest, but nothing concrete. I feel that if I were to start a job, it'd have to keep me interested in it. It can't be a routine kind of thing. I mean, I use to work at the community college I use to attend. My first job, and I loved it! But the only reason I did was because I got to chat with people who came in and out. So maybe I'd need a job like that, where I can help people in some way. I thought that by doing animation I could, in some way, help people through an animated medium. :) It's so simple.

During middle school I would write stories in a notebook and pass it around to my classmates. It was awesome that they enjoyed the stories and joked about them. Then in high school it was all about art. But the thing is that, although I love those things, I can't do them EVERYDAY. It irritates me when my teachers say "you have to be willing to do this everyday!" I'm not a dog!!

As a human being, a break and a vacation is needed. I refuse to be worked and stressed out and overwhelmed because someone tells me that that's the way it has to be. Who made that rule??

I saw a short documentary that a digital effects teacher showed the class about 3 quarters ago. It was about how special effect artist don't get much recognition for the amount of work they do. They're the reason why movies look so good!! But the actors/director get all the recognition. In the documentary they stated how they were underpaid too. Here's the thing, as artist, most likely we'll accept any kind of payment as long as we can do what we love. But we have to be wise as well. You won't get recognized for your work if someone else keep presenting as their own! I think some artist can be taken advantage of because of this.

It's kind of like the people who know someone has a passion for something thinks "Oh! If they enjoy it, it doesn't matter how hard I work them. They enjoy it!" And that's wrong.

Perhaps that's my deal. I'm learning more and more about certain workplaces. That's not to say that ALL are that way, but I'm sure there's enough around because I'll see that people are complaining about it. That's not to say we shouldn't do anything to earn money. No! I mean if we did nothing, it comes to easy and we get lazy. Put forth some kind of effort. It's kind of like if I wanted to create something, but hire others to do the work for me, yet I take the money from their labor. There's no growth on my end, but I do think there are people out there. I refuse to allow myself to be subjected to something like that. It's like a form of brainwash that if we don't, we won't have a job, and if we don't have a job, we have no money, but if we have no money, we won't have a decent house or other necessities, and without those things, our status is ruined and people may not want to talk to us, and without people, we are alone. In other words POWER OVER OUR MINDS!

I could be just flying off the handle here, but I consider thing. I'm not saying I believe this wholeheartedly about every place, because I don't. But I can tell you that I've run into some pretty interesting people. At my college, the campus I'm at now, years ago a lady who worked in the financial aid department started to talk to me about how didn't like the job of telling students bad news about their financial dilemma, but that she enjoyed culinary, and that her true dream was to open her own bakery!

I was stunned! Of course she doesn't work at this campus anymore. As it go, they let a lot of people go. So a lot of people I knew before I transferred out, are not at that campus anymore. I just hope that lady started to work on the thing she loves the most.

I guess that's all that matters right. If you're happy, make something of it.

I didn't update much of anything did I? Lol I steered off topic. Let's get back to it!

So besides Japanese I've been working on my gaming channel and been practicing some singing stuff. I seriously miss being in choir! On the weekends I decided to do some practice some animation stuff, and on the weekdays work on 3D modeling.

For my gaming channel I created a Christmas themed banner using my sims from The Sims 3 :)

 I've honestly never done a "THEME" kind of thing for anything. Not even for my webcomic. But I'm figured I'd just give it a shot. I had a lot of fun doing it too~~

Besides wondering if I'm going to move or not, I've been trying to do things that can help me better my craft somehow. I've been reading lots of articles about improving story writing skills with tips, suggestions and advice :) So I've been working on fleshing out some characters.

My sister is often saying how she'll believe that I'll do any of what I say I do, once I do it. But I've explained to her that things have to start from the basis first. Being quick to get straight to the product doesn't help. I was that way before! And I've honestly never finished much of anything. So nowadays I'm pacing myself and not trying to rush despite the fact that I want to.

I'm not saying that working slow will produce a masterpiece, but there the benefit of increasing one's self-discipline. That and self preservation or things I want to improve upon! It's tough for me, but I'm working slow in order to learn those things. To put forth my best effort. I will say that it can be annoying when I'm watching tutorials and I scroll down to see that I have 20 something more videos to watch. I'd tilt my head back and think to myself "can I be good at this now?!" xDD

But in order to get better, we gotta put forth the effort. Once it becomes second nature, only then can I move forward to more challenging things.

I haven't done any 2D artwork, I've been mainly focusing on 3D. That and trying to relax. O__o I never knew the challenge of actively trying to balance things. In the past I DID just take things the way they are. Not knowing I had a thought and choice in the matter. For some things I feel I don't have a choice for, I remind myself that if I'm staying in that situation, I'm making THAT choice. Simple. If I do't like, simply move on. Anyway, in the present I'm always being my awareness to what I'm doing. Trying to balance somehow. I have no idea if I'm doing any of this correctly, but I guess I'm doing something if I don't feel like I'm being bumped around. I do get overwhelmed easily though. But at least I don't get too stressed. Usually when I feel myself getting overwhelmed I talk it over with my friend. Sometimes I let the thing slip my mind to see if it comes up again.

Recently I've been doing that with things I want to buy. I'm fortunate that my bank and prepaid card don't sync up immediately. I mean that I have to wait 3-5 days for money to transfer from my bank account to my prepaid card. So because of that, when the day comes when it transfers over, if my feeling about that thing I wanted suddenly changed to "meh" then I won't get it lol It's how I've been saving myself some money.

Also to have even a tiny amount of income coming in, I do this thing called swagbucks. I also do app trailer, viggle, bing, and gifthulk, but mainly swagbucks.

I was just talking to someone I knew a few days ago. She was telling me how she was working two part-time jobs and going to school full time, and that she has exams coming up. She told me she quit one of her jobs in order to focus on school. .__. ugh, that kind of lifestyle, that working like a dog until stressed is just not for me. I don't ever want to get to that point! I don't like seeing people struggle >__>  It's sad, and I always feel that we're wasting time! It's sad and it sucks!

Do I sound spoiled? Some people would look at me and say "Well, that's life", and it's because they accepted that for themselves. I guess it's similar to how I feel that my vote doesn't matter, so I don't vote lol It's simply accepting something, that we just decided to come to terms with. Like a relationship that just ain't working for us. O__o you can't tell me that isn't sad?? It's really sad xDDD

I feel that this blog is more depressing than anything, isn't it? lol I didn't intend for it to be that way.I'll talk about something a bit more festive.

Well, I finished my Christmas shopping! But then I realized that I didn't get my younger sister enough gifts! I got more for my mom and older sister, but not my younger sister. Well, I'll buy her something else even if Christmas passes. She's easily pleased with simple things I think lol She likes food. Maybe I'll but her something tasty.

I haven't wrapped all the gifts just yet because I need some boxes to wrap them properly. I would like to send out Christmas/New Years cards....I shouldn't say "I would like to", actually I will lol You know what, I'm tired of saying 'I'll try" or "I'd like to" what's with that attitude! That's some indecisive thoughts. I'll send off some Christmas cards :3 But they may arrive late. I don't like being late sending things off, but I'll do it anyways. The thought that counts, right?

Oh!! I also finished crocheting a pillow for my dog! I was in the process of crocheting a scarf for a friend, but ran out of yarn. For some reason they didn't have the correct red I needed when I visited the store. Well the only thing to do is try another store. I was planning to mail her the scarf and a card. I think it's a nice gift. :)

That's about it! Just doing simple things. The day before yesterday my older sister dragged me and my younger sister around for Christmas shopping (that's when I did my shopping), and my legs are still sore from that. It's not surprising. I have't been exercising much lately. I did yoga the week before last and hurt my back...or rather, it was a back workout, and my back was sore for most of last week! I couldn't twist my spine, or hunch over lol So I was afraid to workout and hurt myself trying. So I just sat it out. But I'm glad I did all that walking through those stores. My back usually aches when I stand for too long or sit for too long, but I still enjoyed it.

Well, I said this would be brief, yet it's far from it. I need to sleep. It's 4 a.m. Somehow, this continues to happen. What's strange is that I woke up at 11 a.m. yesterday and didn't even take a nap O__o which is surprising that I'm not sleepy. Just tired. Oh well!

Time to sleep.
Night~~



................


Morning~~~

Mon

You take yourself way too seriously!

I'll start with this:

The Internet is full of people who take themselves too seriously. Just look around. You don’t have to wander far to find people arguing on someone’s Facebook wall or arguing in the comments section of a blog and so on. And that leads us to the #1 problem for a person who takes himself or herself too seriously:

You’re not open to advice, differing perspectives, or opposing opinions.

This is from an article I decided to start reading, Mainly it started with me wanting to go to bed at around 10 p.m. It's now 2 a.m. I'm sure you can tell my plan didn't work. So I started thinking "Darn! Will I be able to get my regular sleep pattern back?" so I decided to blog lol

I figured that since I'm already this far, I minus well milk it xD First I'll start by saying that I often take myself serious. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be goofy. Usually that happens when I'm working on something or doing something, thinking or tried. But for the most part, I'm usually doing some really weird stuff or making weird noises while I walk around the house!

There. I said it first. Your turn. I always feel that the best way to clear the air is by stating my flaws first. Then it makes it less weird for the person I'm talking too. Honestly, I'd like to believe we're all a little weird or we have weird thoughts. I don't think we're all as serious as we look on the outside. I mean, who can keep that up for long? 

Anyway, this post from the blog made me laugh because it's so true lol Ever so often you'll find a comment section of people just acting goofy, and I love that! It's fun to read. 

I think I don't take myself as seriously as I use to when I was growing up. I mean during that time I was still on the journey of self-discovery. I mean I still am, but I understand a bit more about myself and I don't feel as if I have to follow others. I feel that I'm free to be plain if I want to. By plain I mean in the sense of fashion. 

But that's cool :) I think it would be nice to be a bit more looser though, but I don't think being a bit conservative sucks. Mainly because I feel that I should have a balance. I say should because if I relax too much, or goof off too much, I'll enjoy it too much, and won't feel the need to get anything done. 

I like having fun! I enjoy taking naps and relaxing. But I know I can procrastinate too. You see, because I'm not in school at the moment, and I have all these ideas of things I'd like to see be completed, someone has to do it. I have to make sure I focus when I need to, but not take it so serious...which is something of a challenge for me. 

Example. If I'm working on something I'm all like:

Me: *focus focus focus* 

Family member: *Comes into my room* Hey do you...(inserting something)??"

Me: *irritated, trying to be nice about it* No. 

Family member: *not taking the hint* Do you think you can help me?

Me: *Thought to self* Crap. *irritated, speaking* Now?

Family member: Yeah

Me: *to self* crap....ugh...

It may not seem like much, but I'd like to be able to put down what I'm doing without being annoyed. I had a friend who, when we were both working on a class assignment, just for the life of me WOULD.NOT.STOP.TALKING. On the inside I'm thinking of how much I'd love to just tell her to shut up or push her out of the room, and I think that part started to show because I could feel the steam coming off my body lol Of course I wouldn't tell her to shut up, but I did tell her I wanted to focus on my work. C'mon I'm not THAT heartless lol 

Completely random but it reminds me of a character from my webcomic. He's suppose to be a smart aleck and a know-it-all, but the reality is that he doesn't know as much about normal life stuff as he thinks he does. :) He ends up meeting a rival and a friend. Told you it would be random lol 

Well, since I'm in this deep now (this not sleeping thing) I'll just work on some other things. 

Night!
MON

What if...

What if one morning we all woke up that life is simply about living it??

Wouldn't that be something? You just sit up and go "Hm. None  of whatever I was worried about yesterday, doesn't mean anything. Only today!"

I think it would be a strange thing because it may take everything we thought we were fighting for, and toss it on it's head. Most of us believe in something. In a way I think it gives us some kind of purpose, some kind of goal or direction, and that, without, it would seem as if life is way too simple.

Perhaps people love challenges. I once read somewhere that some people actually seem to enjoy pain. Not physical pain, but painful situations. Kind of like those people who constantly place themselves in situations they say they actually don't like. I've been seeing this quite a bit from people around me...mainly on fb lol or just hearing stories. The answer to dealing with the situation is so clear to us, the people on the outside looking in, but not for the person who's been trapped inside.

Today I'm feeling that way a bit. Not the conflicted part..okay a bit conflicted. I feel indifferent lol Recently I've had the time to work on projects, and I've even completed a few, but sometimes I'll just sit and do absolutely nothing but sit lol and it drives me nuts xDD According to my birth chart I become restless when it comes to routine and that I get bored easily with mundane task. My days are often the same, so perhaps I'm just like "meh", but I don't know how I'd feel with having a lot of things to do. It's a very confusing thing,

At the moment it's more of a feeling than a thought....what I typed above. This thought came based on a feeling I have. To suddenly wake up with no worries, or rather, if you have worries you realize that it's pointless to worry because all that is happening is what happened, not what can continue to be. It's ever changing. Because I believe that once we pass we go on living, and that is something that is eternal.

This just becomes more and more real to me when I think about what I learned in chemistry. Everything is made up of energy, and energy can not be destroyed, For example, if you boil water it evaporates, but it becomes a gas instead....or rather I think that's how it worked lol I don't remember.

It has been scientifically proven that we have an energy field around us, So it's only natural to conclude that we are energy and that that energy cannot be destroyed. I think it's all a matter of what happens to our consciousness. You know that thing that makes us aware of the fact that we are who we are. That I can't say. But my theory is that if when we dream and we have some kind of consciousness, then in any other state we will have some kind of consciousness, just in an altered state.

One thing I think we have to understand is that we are not just a body, but energy as well. How this energy is effected is something that is written about in metaphysics quite a bit.

Also, I think when it comes to me placing what I've read and what I believe onto this concept, it seems real simply because I say "Oh! Well that makes sense" and so it does, and it seems that it is that way. It's because I shifted my perception of a certain thing, where it took on the shape of something I came to see it as being, perhaps, not as it truly is.

So this what if statement. To wake up to just living. I say it's strange because it's almost as if walking into a museum and taking in the art with no thought about it. Just appreciating it as it IS, and nothing else. I think it's strange because I'm often placing thoughts/impressions to things without just taking it in.

Now that's not to say that using our brain is NOT useful. Quite the contrary. It's actually quite useful. I think we, as humans, are quite complex. There's some kind of system here. But I am saying we may make things out to be a lot harder than they actually need to be. THAT part of our brain, the logical one, can work in accords with our feelings of things, and vice versa. If it weren't meant to be, then some people would only have a half a brain on the right and others a half on the left. I think we take it for granted, or, we just refuse to even consider this.

What's interesting is that I think finding a balance may be quite challenging. Simply because of the way we are now. We live a certain way now, and it's considered normal. Which is why I said these things would be strange to us.

Personally, I can't say which side of my brain I use more. Actually, if I had to say I would say that I use to use the right portion of my brain much more often than I do now. But I also use my feelings quite a bit. Sometimes it seems a waste to use it, but I have it for a reason. I guess questioning it is actual waste!

If you have a skill/ability why hide it. Don't exploit it, but use it in good intent. If it's something you've worked on improving, embrace it. What I find interesting is that most people are interested in sporting it to the rest of the world. I have a tiny issue with this, but it's just my own opinion. I think it's actually kind of pointless. But it's similar to how I felt when I first started typing blogs. I would think "What's the point in sharing my thoughts?" not because I was ashamed of them, but I thought that because everyone live their own lives, what I say doesn't apply to them. So neither do my thoughts and feelings! So it's what made me think it's a waste, but not my thoughts, just the fact of sharing them and putting in time to type them.

But the thing is then I got to wondering if we learn for ourselves, or to share with the world. If it's to share with the world, than self-expression is not a crime, and should be nothing to be offended by if someone to express themselves openly. Some people say that some things are proper and others are not. But that is just an opinion based on that person's like or dislike.

For example, in art the nude figure is not seen as a crime. There are books at my library with nude figures, but it's for examining purposed. It's not taboo or sexualized. BUT, if someone were to post a picture of themselves nude and post it online, people would say it's distasteful! It's always back and forth with people.

And again, this is why I said that what if statement would be strange lol

I'll say that I wasn't expecting to type this much. I didn't expect to type any of this,but it's given me something to think about. I'm not sure where I'm going with any of the thoughts I get, or if they even mean much of anything. But I will say that someday I'll just feel completely indifferent and it's a strange and unsettling feeling to be content and worry about nothing. It's like, then what should I do now?? I guess that's why meditation drives me nuts xD

I guess I decided to dig into the concept a little. Why not give it a shot and see what results you get? Do you feel a sense of peace? Or do you feel restless like me?

I will say that I don't intend to accept my restlessness, and blame it in the future, but I'm very aware it's there. It simply takes discipline to overcome that trait :) It can be done with time. Always remember that you can always improve, and that if you made a mistake, you don't have to live in that mistake for the rest of your life. Your life is what you choose to do with it, and the moment you realize that you're responsible for the way you live it, the thoughts you decide to have (as the thoughts are what give way to what you feel), and the actions you choose, you'll start to feel that you are quite powerful. Look at the people who stopped caring what other people think and say about them! They may seem egotistical (and they may be vain lol who knows), but at least they know that they own their lives and that no one can change that for them.

MON

Visited my teacher

Hi!!!

I'm so happy right now :) Recently my I've been on quite an emotional roller-coaster with the current issues occurring in the world. I don't often vocalize what I feel towards those events, but I do go into deep thought about them. During those moments I find that my feelings/thoughts can be conflicting. Fortunately I only become grumpy with others when I'm sleepy or really into doing something, never for no reason at all (despite what I'm feeling). So I have to say that that's a plus.

Annnnnyyyway, I visited my old campus in Tinley Park! I also visited the Target there. I love it! The people waiting in line where so nice. One old man, while putting his two items on the conveyor belt, said "you can go ahead and buy mines too if you want" lol I couldn't help but laugh. Sometimes I wonder if I seem uninterested in what people say, but that's not the thing at all! I just can't think of what to say at the moment so I just get quiet lol The cashier didn't seem so happy.

Back the point, I visited my old campus. I felt great afterwards! It was the one thing I wanted to do because I didn't feel like I had a proper departure. Also my old teacher got married in August! I couldn't stop smiling~~ xD I ended up getting her a gift, a pair of glasses, and she said I was nuts for coming all that way to give it to her. I explained that before I left I wanted to get her a gift. The moment I found out that she was engaged I wanted to get her a gift.

A lot of people that I knew weren't there, supposedly a lot of people from that campus that attended the one downtown, dropped out :/ I can't say why, but I was explaining to the security guard that there's a noticeable difference between the two campuses and the way the teachers teach. Luckily I've attended the campus downtown before, so I had an idea of what to expect! I also think the campus could be too far for a lot of the students. I hope they're all well and good though :/ I wonder if they made it far in their major. Well, hopefully they find something else they enjoy doing, or at least find another school to attend and things work out.

I did speak to one student that I knew when I attended. He's a senior now too, and he got engaged in March....or was it May? It was one of those months. He's a funny guy and he always loved talking, so I was surprised and imaging him proposing seems for foreign to me! But I was happy for him too. It seems a lot of people are getting married :)

I looked around  the school a bit, it felt very empty, almost similar to when you're moving things out of a house to move into a new house, but it was the same school. The departments were closed, and the security guard told me that they let a lot of people go already. I feel for those who may have lost their jobs, but I at least hope they were simply just relocated. At least then they wouldn't be out of work.

As I was leaving the building, I felt like I could simply close that door and wait to make it to another one and open it. My teacher wants me to keep in contact of all the new projects I'll be working on. Of course I'll do the same here. :)

Today was a pretty good day. Oh! I also tried a Hazel Latte! It was amazing! I can't quite describe the taste and I can't tell if it Hazel is spice. I mean, it might be right? Because nutmeg is a spice. Anyway, I've never had Hazelnut before. I was tempted to try a pumpkin spice latte, but I already told the guy Hazelnut and he walked off while I was thinking "But I wanted to try the pumpkin spice" lol xD Well it was yummy regardless and I thought that it's a good replacement for it.

I also had a great conversation with the manager of one at my bank...it was at a different location. She was super nice and very informative! We talked for a long time despite the fact that she was suppose to be helping my sister lol She even said "this started out with me dealing with your sister" and I had to apologize, but the information she was sharing made me so happy and grateful to her for going through the trouble of answering my questions.

After that event, that's when I got a coffee.

You know, on some days like this, I think to myself that it's a great day and I'm not sure how the next will be, but all that matters is this day and the feeling it gives me. :)  I'm happy that even though I'm on another break from school, despite minor issues, things have been going well.

Well, that's all for now. :)

Mon

The Creation of Adam

During my last year of high school I decided to go all out. I don't mean I asked for a prom date or anything (prom was pretty weird for me lol but I had fun), but I tried out for two plays, tried out for a lead part in choir, and made the conscious choice to pass all my classes with As. I'm not sure if I got all As, but I remember passing my Algebra class all the way up until graduation. But of all of those things, as an art project I painted a picture of Leonardo Da Vinci's The Creation of Adam.

I think it was just an unconscious choice during that time, but since I took an Art Appreciation class at a community college, I can say I've grown to really like a lot of his work. He seemed to have been a very brilliant man. I'm always thinking that it would've been nice to just spend a day chatting with him, then again, I'm not sure what his personality was like lol

Anyway, during my senior year I painted the image you see above on a chair. I'm wondering if the school still has the chair. During the time when I painted it and the time when I finished it, I thought it turned out very well. Since viewing a few of his pieces I've really fallen in love with the softness that his painting exhibits! I'm a fan of soft earthy pastel colors, so a lot of his works are very pleasing to my eyes.

To be honest, I would often think "I wish I kept that chair!" lol I wonder if the chair is still there. I'd love to visit and check it out when I can. When I do visit, I'll take a picture. It might not look as good lol But I feel out of all of the things I decided to try, I was happy to have taken that painting class. When I first practiced painting (and even now that I tried it again recently) I found I was so stiff, rigid and a but timid and intimidated by the experience because it was so new to me.

The teacher would say "Just relax, allow your wrist to do the work" because I was painting as if I were drawing. She would explain that painting is loose and free. For me, I guess this life I'm the opposite lol Interestingly enough, I'm in the field of art and I always assumed artist are free people.

Anyway, two or  three paintings later I found that my work looked quite decent.

This was one based on a still life. It was a class assignment. I have another one of clouds and mountains but have to find it. This was way back in 2008. I haven't painted anything since. Recently I've been quite tired and haven't produced anything worthwhile, but *shrugs* meh, the only thing I can do is wait. Well, actually I've been doing other things. During my high school days art was a way for me to escape the fact that I was there lol I loved the art room with it's paint covered sinks, and drawing tables. It was the one place, besides choir, that I felt relaxed.

Mon

Psychic Investigators

I'm watching this show on Netflix called Psychic Investigators and I thought "It would be so awesome if more people came together to mix both intuition with facts." I wonder if this is more common than I know. Perhaps I should look into it more.

Mainly the show is about missing persons' cases, and the police turn to a psychic for information that could help.

Now the issue with this is those psychics who are sitting on a high horse lol I don't want to say they're wrong, but I wonder if there are people out there who sit on a pedestal after honing their abilities. I'm guessing it can be similar to those who claim they're better than another because they are vegan, or a Christians, or a good actor/actress, or a great singer, etc. Things of that nature.

It reminds me of a lady, I use to enjoy her books, her name was Sylvia Browne, but she passed a few years ago. I saw a video on youtube and people were mocking her, calling her a fact and all. They said that she was usually benefiting from people's money. I'm not gonna deny that she may have been psychic, but I can see how people would feel a bit of disdain towards her.In one video she was so stuck on the way of how two parents' child died, that even though they told her that wasn't how it happened, she constantly stated that it was. I actually felt kind of bad and it makes me wonder if people who use their gift in such a way will be given false information from their source, as a hopeful way of the person being able to look within themselves and realize that the way they're doing thing is actually not the best.

Back to the point! So I was thinking, it would be interesting if doctors were assisted with this. I got the thought of a psychic lending information to a doctor, and a doctor can look into it to find a possible cure.

I mean, a do believe everyone as psychic abilities, but there are some who are naturally tapped into it. By this I mean that some people have to hone their skill, but others just have it. Kind of like a natural born pianist or any other skill that a child just HAS and it comes naturally, while there are those who have to take classes and practice. That's not to say that people who naturally tap into their abilities without a problem don't have to hone their abilities, it's just their abilities just happen.

I use to watch this show on t.v. called Paranormal kids (can I just say how much I love Chip Coffey!) and the children often felt that their gifts were a burden and couldn't control them. Other mediums would come and teach them not to fear, give them advice and suggestions to follow when they become terrified, and tell them that they are in control of their abilities.

I would often think "it would be neat to be able to see auras, or assist the dead!" but in my bones I would feel a bit frighten and wonder if that's what I really want lol My whole deal is that I would love to help people in some way, but I don't have to see the dead to assist them, I could help someone they know that if living. I don't have to see aura to help heal someone with alternative medicine.

My theory is that some have the ability without issues because they are meant to, and others like me, we have it to a degree, but maybe during the stages of our life, it isn't completely necessary and we have other things we should focus on. That doesn't mean we neglect our ability, it's there, it's just that we are on autopilot! And if needed, we'll be alerted by higher beings :)

But I still think it's awesome to blend the two. A world where psychics aren't called crazy because the truth that they gain from the Other side can be found with proof from the material world. I say this, and I'm sure it can easily be disputed, because if I can an idea, I can work to manifest it into physical reality. The difference is that what I see no one else can see until I make it something that can physically be seen, BUT, it still exist within the invisible realm.

That's where ideas and inventions come from. I'm a bit baffled that people rebuke the imagination as childish and ridiculous and not able to live within the real world, when in reality, a lot of what we have actually came from that world.

*childish voice* "What world???" The world of the unseen. Ideas and dreams are nothing more than that. They stop being an idea and an actual word when we give it definition and categorize it. That's why I don't think we should separate ourselves so much. It may happen to an extent, due to grouping, but it can be due to programming and culture.

Anyway, that's all I have to say. No ranting from this lady :)

Until the next Blog

Mon

Projects

Hi!

Today I figured I'd just write a bit about what I've been up to. Usually I would say I'm relaxing, and don't get me wrong, I have, but I've also been trying to keep up with the programs I learned from school.

One of the things I've been doing is following along with a few tutorials on this website called digital tutors.

My main focus for now is understanding the basics of modeling. Although I'm in my senior year I've been thought a few techniques that...well aren't the best lol Because I attended two different schools that taught things differently, when I returned to the original campus where I started out, they were confused by the way I was modeling and said the way I worked was time consuming.

I've also started over with learning the basics of 3D animating. This weekend I'd like to set aside some time to work on a 2D animation I haven't gotten around to finishing. I have two that are quite a bit of time and I'd like to complete those so I can add them to my demo reel.

I've also started learning the basics of a gaming program called Unreal Engine. I started this only a few days ago out of sheer excitement. I'll only learn a few things and continue working in Maya (the screenshot above is from the maya software).

What I'm planning to do is to finish up this model, then watch a few videos on texturing (although the tutorial I'm using has a texture portion), then I'll watch some videos on lighting so I can light the scene. I would like to rig this squirrel character that I downloaded from the project file and animate them in this environment. So that way everything I'm working on as a purpose ;)

But I have been relaxing. I started watching American Horror Story. It can get bizarre sometimes, but it's pretty interesting. I like weird stuff lol

With my nephews birthday out of the way and I don't have to work on any small projects for that, I decided to dedicate my time to doing/learning a few things that I'm interested in. I have all of this month and all of next month, then I return to school the month after that. If I can up my skill level and modeling abilities, I'd be super happy. So I'm putting forth the time and effort to do so.

If I'm lucky I'd like to start working on the next chapter to my webcomic. I already posted to the readers that I'd be taking classes this quarter, I haven't told them that I'm not. Shhhh! Don't say anything! lol I didn't say anything because I will be working behind the scenes on a few pages. I want to finish up a few of my projects, and then focus on that. Then I'll surprise them when winter break rolls around. :)

I told them it would be a while until I post anything, but I think it'd make a nice surprise to shower them with a bunch of updates. :) That's my grand scheme. heh heh

That's what I've been working on, and that's what I plan to work on for these next few weeks.

Oh! Btw, I finished up my scarecrow model. I also found a few human face references that I'd like to practice modeling as well. It sounds like a lot, but I feel that if I manage my time, I can get quite a bit done. I make sure I have an hour of two where I play video games or watch something funny to relax. Or while I'm working I'll wonder off into the interweb and dally around lol

That's all for now.Until next time

Mon

Life is like a book

Soooooo

Hi~

I'm reading an inspirational article and I came across something I wanted to share. First, can I just say that sometimes when I walk into the self-improvement section of a bookstore I start to get really self-conscious lol But in libraries I don't. Isn't that weird!? What's even stranger is that no one is around lol I guess it's similar to purchasing feminine products for the first time xD I probably need to browse the self-improvement section often.

Back to the article I read!

There was this statement:

"Let today be the day you stop being haunted by the ghosts from your past.  What happened in the past is just one chapter in your story; don’t close the book, just turn the page."

I instantly thought "I agree!!"

Because I love reading, this rang as a very interesting statement. When I'm reading a book, if something sad happens to a character, I'm much more interested in knowing what good will happen to them, or will the story will take them. I'll never know if I keep reading the same part again and again, but as I progress through the chapters. The whole story makes sense, or the character has grown once I've gotten to the end....that is...if the author even cared lol

I've also been thinking a bit about how small I am in comparison to the rest of the universe. That's insanely small, but then I get to thinking about things that are small among us here on earth and I don't think those things are unimportant to life, so why should I think that way about myself? Recently a lot of things are quite lovely to me...besides fleas....and hornets, what are their purpose but to cause problems lol Maybe we have some hornets and fleas in life as well, but maybe they're there to help us appreciate them,even if we don't understand them very well. Pest? Definitely. Unworthy of life? Hm...no comment lol (I don't like fleas, just recently dealt with a flea infestation)

The thing is that I have a positive view on things, it's just I don't want to become too much of a dreamer. Growing up, I've always been very right brained. For example, in elementary (I can't believe I'm telling this story lol) I was a first grader, and I use to like this fifth grader. Everyday during lunch he would ask me for some kind of food from my tray, such as my fries or my dessert, and I'd end up giving him the whole thing rather than a piece of it lol I would still be a bit hungry, but I was happy in some way, yet I would hope he would notice my feelings for him (at that age I had no idea what I was feeling!)

But that's the mind I had as a kid. As I got older, the world started to become a little less bright and a bit more darker, and intimidating. But I think that it helps me to see things in a realistic fashion. I see beauty, but I also know there's the ugly in life as well. I tend to want to just ignore those things rather than accept them, but it doesn't make them disappear.

I think what's tough is...well, I imagine it like this. You are standing on a platform that spins clockwise in a very very slow manner. Now around you are images, and they play out in a linear fashion, kind of like seeing a movie. So when you see a movie for the first time, a lot of things don't make sense, sometimes even when you make it to the end, but it makes more sense than it did in the beginning right?

Each and everything intricate piece is a piece needed for the greater whole. So although it seems dark and dirty and wrong and all this other stuff, it may be used to raise self-awareness to the whole. I mean, if we don't see it, we don't know it exist and it's not a problem.

But each piece is a letter to a word, that is a word to a sentence, that is a sentence to a paragraph, that becomes a page to a chapter, and a chapter to a novel. And if we spend too much time getting caught up in the word, we miss the point, that there is a meaning behind those words. :)

Life, itself isn't complicated, it's the parts that we add to it, the parts we contribute to it, that make it complicated.

Have a great day
Mon :)

Aug. 30. 2015

I feel like I owe a blog to my cat Jordan. He passed away yesterday, and it's a day I would like to remember since he's been with my family for about 20 years. I was about 5 years old when my older sister found him. He's the only one of our many pets, who we have seen grow up until an elder.

We also buried him as well. I'm not so sad, or rather, I feel something that I can't describe. It's the same feeling I had with the passing of my grandma and grandpa on my dad's side of the family, and also the passing of my mom's dad as well.

I remember final moments, then I start to think about their lives, and I would think about memories I've had with them. It's a bit of sadness...or is it grief, but it's not torment. I would never want to make a soul feel horrible by wanting them to stay on the earth plane, as much as I care for the person, I would feel better knowing they moved on peacefully. I wonder if I'll always feel this way.

Well, in situations like this, I guess I spend a few days putting everything into perspective. This is the best way I can describe it.

So, I feel that this is a small memorial for him. To let him know that he was only true him, and I loved him deeply. :) In the end, I'm happy and sad. But I'm happy to have known him and to have had him within our family. *Sighs* It's always a bit sad letting go, but it must be done.

Mon

Honesty

Someday I sit and I think "Dang it would be good if I could write my own lyrics!"  I would seriously create an album with songs titled Love, Honesty, Trust, etc.

I'm sure I could, but writing lyrics with meaning is all about being honest with yourself. Well, actually, I've always felt an attachment to those songs where a person is truly pouring their heart out, or wearing their heart on their sleeves. There a sense of connection from me to their music, and those are the songs/musicians that I enjoy listening to.

I think it boils down to truly being honest with yourself. I mean, if you can't be truly honest to yourself, than who can you  be honest with??

When I think about honesty, I think that it's a tough thing to do if we become swayed by the rest of the world telling us that being a certain way is seen as strong. This creates a sense of denial on our end and we unintentional shut ourselves off from who we truly are, in exchange for what society/the media states is "the way". Then we act based on these feelings we cover up in an unconscious way.

Imagine if we were all bottles of soda and we're all in a box. Over time, some sodas start to think "hey! We're not soda! Let's me peanuts" or something else, whatever you choose to be. So, ignoring the fact that it's a soda, and being shaken up in the box, we don't realize that we need to release our bottle cap to in order to get rid of all that excess fizz, but in order to do this, we need to stop claiming to be something besides what we really are.

So instead of being a bottle of soda, we are humans. We are humans who feel.

When a kid starts to imagine that they can be whatever they want, and they feel invincible, and the world looks down on that kid and says "No, you'll have to be __________ instead" eventually the  kid just accepts it, and tries to fit in.

It is often said that we, as humans, enjoy fitting in. Yet our sense of self identification is disrupted. I believe we are connected in the sense that what one chooses to do, can have an effect on someone else, whether they think so or not. Yet, we are also complete independent in the sense that we aren't connected by flesh and we also have individual thoughts as well. Think of it this way, we are all tiny rivers and lakes, but we all connect back to the sea. Even so, we are our own lake or river.

I see this often, a person who is quite a sweetheart, loving and caring, builds up a tough act when talking to friends in order to not seem weak and defenseless. If I'm not mistaken, this is something that humans do as a way to protect themselves, and I understand all too well, but I often find myself thinking "Why? Because we don't want to be exposed?" Well, that's all good and everything, but we may get so into this habit, that we forget how to be honest with ourselves. It's not for the good of others, but for ourselves.

That honesty from to ourselves is not something we have to prove to the world. I'm sure people will notice it. Haven't you ever heard the phrase "that person is so laid back " or "that person is so down to earth", in other words, they aren't afraid to be who they truly are. They are confident in themselves. They are okay with looking like a fool, or saying something foolish because they know that they aren't perfect.

That's not to say that some people don't get the wrong impression, they do. But I'm simply making a point to say that some people are able to sense that kind of thing.

I've been thinking more and more about how I (we) can become more friendly with ourselves. The advice and suggestions I give I would say to myself "take it for yourself as well" so when I say "you're worthy!" I start to to tell myself "and so are you." It would be a waste to give advice to a friend, and yet, not  believe it for yourself, those helpful words. We should be as much of a friend to ourselves as we are to those we love.

One thing I will say, is that I do find it a bit tough to stand away from myself and view a situation objectively. To say "well this situation isn't working for me" due to the love I feel towards those I care about, but it should be done with an honest heart.

Mon

Feeling negative emotions is okay!

I'm always thinking that in order to better myself I should try not to get frustrated, annoyed or angry. Then I realize how much of an idiotic statement that is because I'm human lol If I didn't have those feelings, I'd be a robot. Always neutral or happy.

It'd be nice to not have to feel frustration, but I'd never understand the feeling of success if I never understood what it's like to be defeated.

I don't like those emotions, but to deny that I have them, would be to limit my experience in life. If I didn't have those, then how would I know what I like and dislike? I'd never be able to improve if I thought everything was okay.

What I mean by this is that if I were to see someone littering, which I actually dislike, and I felt happy about it, I wouldn't feel a need to not litter or feel compelled to at least do my part to stop the littering. Yet, because I do dislike it, I don't do it. Also, if my friends do, and I'm around, I'll give them "the look" or I'll complain or something until they pick it up. In the end, I'd pick it up and lecture them. "What do you think this is? You toss garbage on the ground because you assume someone is going to pick it up! Stop taking advantage of that!"

My mom says "I'm creating jobs" or "the bird will take it" as an excuse.

This isn't the point lol The point is that I woke up this morning annoyed, but I feel better now because I had to tell myself that it's okay to feel that way and not to deny that I'm annoy. I felt that I had good enough reason to feel the way I did, and so now, I feel better.

I once read that past life issues aren't necessarily the problem, but the feelings we had about the problems that is the issue. Whether or not this is true, I can't say, but I always look at my life today and I think back on the traumatic events from the past, and I realize that this may hold some truth due to the fact that I remember those things a lot better than others. The feelings are imprinted to the situation, not the other way around.

So I'm teaching myself to FEEL, but not get swept away into doing some irrational, or making a choice that I feel I can't control due to those feelings. I think it's this that helps us avoid dangerous or risky situations.

In general, I think it takes viewing the thoughts. I accepted my thought, but I changed it to view the possible reason behind the other person's actions. That also eased my annoyance. Trying to at least understand the other person helps. I think that often we aren't willing to do that because we're too angry, and seriously why even try to make excuses for someone's bad behavior that caused our annoyance in the first place?

I often hate to admit things like this because I feel it's an excuse on behalf of the annoyer (which I'm not saying it's bad to feel annoyed or angry), but that they don't often know that they're annoying you. How the heck is such a thing possible? Well, they don't know how your feeling until you lash out on them.

Overall, I think going through possible options behind a person's action (it's more like questioning their actions and answering them), gives more understanding to yourself. I mean, you'll never truly know until you ask the person, right? The point of proving a possible reason is to calm yourself, turning yourself from the thought that "this is annoying" and repeating it, because it will only continue to annoy you. You are pretty much stating to yourself "I want to continue to be annoyed"

I'm only stating that because I did that before getting out of bed lol Yes I was annoyed before my feet even touched the floor. I won't go into details, but before getting up I stared at the ceiling thinking negative things, such as "this was only left on me because that person was too lazy to do it" or "It could've been done last night, but instead they didn't do it, forcing me to do it and make the excuse that they'll be busy with something"

After some time, I started to consider the other factors involved. Then my views changed a bit. I was still slightly annoyed, but I was able to complete the task.

The thought that I had that I should onto this person as they have done unto me, doesn't help either. That's called being vengeful. What good does that do? Why take it into my own hands? It's something I don't have to do, despite that I feel it would help them learn a lesson. Yet it's still vengeful intentions nonetheless. It takes a lot of strength to not allow yourself to be swayed by what you're feeling. I've read that feelings are nothing more than an  instrument, similar to that of the five senses. We're suppose to learn from them, not become a pawn of them.

So I'm doing my best to understand this concept and at least attempt to use it in my life to see if it gives me a sense of improvement. I feel that in order to tell people something works or not, I have to have tried it. Then again, everyone isn't the same, and what may work for one person may not work for another. However, going against this, I'll say that these things have more to do with the mind, than it does with eating something or doing some kind of strenuous activities. It's not like I'm saying "Do art, because you can" although I believe a person could learn.

It's more about helping people to calm themselves and reassure themselves that they are in control of what they choose to do in any given situation. Not about changing who they are....in the sense that you are a personality, an individual with your own dislikes and likes, yet living among others who are similar in that aspect, and understanding that in order to live in relation to each other, there has to be some kind of understanding on our part, for, not just ourselves, but others as well. I believe this is called Emotional I.Q. The ability to understand others.

It's not being a doormat, because I believe I'm far from that, it's just I enjoy knowing that the choice of words and actions lie in my hands. This gives me a personal responsibility. Think of it as building up on your own character. I don't think I'd enjoy being the same forever. I hope to elaborate on these ideas in the future :)

Mon

As vast as the universe

There's a bit of frustration that comes about in me sometimes when I'm going about my day. I've even sat down and spoke to  people who feel strongly about this topic, and they were older than me. Yet, moving past age, that's not the point. The thing I'm talking about is this whole race issue that's been the talk on most people's lips.

I'll tell you something, growing up, whenever I had an issue, I don't think I ever assumed it was because I'm black. Nope. Only once, and at the time, it wasn't me who said this, it was my mom. I was a third grade elementary student and I had a white teacher who had quite an attitude. I don't quite recall the incidents, but I remember at one point my mom said "she's a prejudiced white lady", I don't think I paid much attention to what my mom said because I had no idea what prejudice meant. So I went about my life.

Moving forward, I didn't have issues with white people, and if I did, it definitely wasn't racial. I'll put it this way, I've had just as many issues with black teachers/principals, as I did with white teacher. I've had more issues with black than I have had with whites. Does that make me racist?

I don't ever base anything on race, simply on attitude. I've had a black principal expel me once from middle school for no apparent issue. It still haunts me to this day that I got into trouble, and wasn't trusted on my word by my own mom. I've had an issue when I was in the second grade when I had a black teacher say to me "if you don't have any paper, then go tell your mom to go get you some" with an attitude rather than give me a sheet of paper.

I've had one black guy, last year, tell me that I'm a white-person-lover because I don't stick up for blacks.

I've never EVER, had a white person shame me over anything like this. Am I a white  person lover? What the heck does that really mean?? I'll make it simple, and you answer this for yourself. If one person treats you like crap, will you continue to talk to them, or find someone new to talk with?

I talk to any person who I feel is worth me talking to. I don't usually like to place worth in a sentence when it comes to who I will and will not associate with, but in this case I will. People I will give my time to are those who are respectable. When we can disagree without name calling and actually talk about it, this is worth my time. When we can sit and talk about different cultures, this is worth my time. When we can just sit and talk about our lives, and life and what we want to do in our future, this is worth my time.

This doesn't just go towards race, I feel the same for religion. I've been constantly smashed in the face with statements like "It's a shame that you don't want to go to church" or "you'll go to hell." I was seriously told that I would go to hell when I was a middle schooler.

I've taken two stands in my life. One was to release myself of the bounds of religion in search of some truth. Two, to release myself of the bound of skin color and choosing to make statements that my skin color is what holds me back.

Since I've done those two things, I've learned quite a lot. I don't need to make the same mistakes as others, because I look at them, and I say "that's something that I don't feel is me" and I work to improve myself to not be what I dislike. It's as simple as that. I look at a PERSON's attitude. This is what is important.

Some people are so closed off, and it seems that enjoy that. I have no idea why. They rather stay in their own little bubble or hate and misery, than to venture forward into the world.

There's this thing going about that black people can't make it in the world. Who says this? Who make this true? Who decides if you make it or not? What is making IT? What is this IT that you're striving for, and how do you know you haven't made it there??

There are all these ideas and I wonder if many of us even stop to question ourselves.

In the past, paths were paved for us, not to keep looking back, but for us to keep moving forward, to pave new paths for the future generation. They are the stepping stones that we place for the new generation to continue moving up. If we stop, the only place they may learn to do from us, is to go down.

The idea of skin color may very well be an illusion. I've always imagined that if we were all similar, we'd still try to find something to separate ourselves. Let's take a look at China.

In China, height is considerate an attractive trait. So there is a surgery that can be done in order to stretch out the legs. Those who are too short feel out of place. Despite the fact that they are all from the same origin, there is still that separation. People will always try to find someway to fit in.

In a way, I feel that some blacks are trying to find their place in this world. Yet, there are so many statements set by blacks from  the past, they've done some incredible things, and yet, what are you doing but talking about someone else's accomplishments? Why not start your own? Why not invent someone else? Look at Bill Gates. He worked doing what he enjoyed and made his marking in this world.

I'm not sure what some blacks are trying to prove to anyone. It seems like some want to place themselves on a pedestal, to hover over the world and scream "Look at how important we are!!" but this isn't a skin issue, it's a personal problem lol

Why do you have to feel the need to be above someone? When in reality, you are just a small piece of something bigger. In this vast universe, (and I really want you to go to google and look at a picture of the universe) is this really the only thing you can worry about. Earth, as important as it may feel, is soooo small in comparison to some of the other planets, and that planet is smaller than some other bigger planet. And guess what, our solar system is smaller than another.

We can learn something from this. An ant is small, yet it feels it's purpose in life is much bigger than we see it. Does it make it any less worthy to life? No. Honey bees are small, and yet they provide us with life as well. A simple cloud in the sky, among many, is just as important as all the rest as it provides us with shade.

You, a person among many, is just as important. Your worth, and how much you think you are worth, are only measured by your own expectations.

If you want to be a doctor, go be a doctor! It's not gonna come easily, it takes a positive attitude to persevere in the face of hardships (I know this all too well).

I'll say one thing, I think the reason why I've gotten along with white people, is because I see them as people lol I don't try to fight with them over something as small as something we can't control. I can't control my eye color, but I can wear contacts. I can't control the color of hair I was born with, but I can dye it or wear a wig. All in all, it's in my DNA regardless of what I change, but what can really make a difference is how I perceive life and the rest of the world.

If I can't tolerate being about negative people with a closed mind about such things, what makes you think that others can?

Think about that. Question yourself, and stop questioning others. Question yourself in accords with another. Ask yourself, what good does it do you. And if you feel it's something (whatever this something is) that is still worth fighting for, go for it? You may be some revolutionist.

The thing that I don't want people to do, is to waste their lives on trying to change something outside of themselves, when in reality, the true changing was to be from within.

With that being said, have a great day :)

Mon

Interpreting a dream 09/10/15

Hi!

Today I'm actually in a good mood, no particular reason. Well, I decided I want to try to interpret a dream I had last night. Upon waking this morning I thought "Oh no! I don't remember any" then I suddenly remembered one that I had before waking up.

It was a simple dream, yet if I applied it to my feelings during my waking hours, it has quite an interesting message.

One thing I'd like to point out first, I started reading this article in which the writer stated that our dreams are quite selfish, and 90 percent of the time, are about us. So I figured that even if this dream doesn't mean exactly what I'm imagining it does, it doesn't really matter. What does matter is how I feel afterwards, whether it will help me grow. This is how I feel when I take in the things people say to me. I'm not them, so I can't truly grasp in entirety their true message, just what impressions I'm given from them. I will admit, when I'm truly in the mood, I try my best to understand another...as  long as they return the same respect. If so, I don't care what your views are, all that matters is that we respect them.

So moving on!

I can't recall the beginning of the dream, but I believe that's normal because it wasn't an impact dream. An impact dream is one that is able to be recalled due the dramatic influence on your feelings. Such as having a dream where a loved one is killed or being chased by a killer.

Also, most of the time my dreams skip time. So at one moment I would be in a house, then when I step outside I would be leaving a pit shop.

In this dream, towards the end, me and my mom were driving in a car home when we got caught by a train. The train had stopped. Suddenly three of the trains cars started to fall over and the cars that were near the train started to reverse their cars to avoid being squashed. Then bunnies, wolves and dogs started to run out of the overturned cars and everyone started to get out of their cars to look. Somehow, I ended up in some building center, kind of like Chinatown square. I ended up with some Halloween mask that looked kind of like a small pumpkin. I out it on my forehead and walked to a man working behind a food stand and asked if I can help capture the animals and he gave me the okay.

I then went into ninja mode and started walking towards some bunnies slowly and grabbed one.

So, w hat I'm getting from this dream is....well I don't know. I had something but now that I'm thinking about, it sound kind of dumb lol

Well, welcome to my dreamworld. :D

What interesting dream did you have last night?

Mon

I'm talking to you! (づ￣ ³￣)づ + Health

Recently my focus has been on communicating with others and communicating with myself. I don't think this is coincidental. Perhaps it's for me to understand that the effort I put in towards others, is something I should give myself. I mean, if you got it, use it, right?

Beyond this I have nothing better else to do than to play video games, read a book or work on some stuff from Digital tutors. I'm not saying my summer break is boring, I enjoy being able to lounge around. It's  better to do it now than to wait until I go back to school. During that time I put myself into gear and push forward...or rather, it's my goal!

What I'm saying is that I'm currently feeling under the weather. At the moment I have a cold. I've had it for the past four days,and yet I've been telling myself "It's not a cold!" lol Well, it didn't change the fact. So I've been kind of isolating myself from my mom and sister because I don't have a mask to wear around. At this point I'm at the runny nose stage! Darn it.

I've seriously felt all stages. At first I didn't think it was a cold because I had a bad sore throat at first. It was to the point that I didn't want to speak because it hurt and all I wanted to do was cough. Then the next day the sore throat wasn't so bad. And the day after that the sore throat was gone, but I still felt very stuffy. Now today I'm still stuffy with a muffled voice and a runny nose. I've honestly never had a cold in the summer. Actually, I rarely catch colds.

My mom gave this to me lol darn her. I haven't had a cold for maybe two to three years at least. I'm often quite cautious and I look out for sick people and watch to see if they touch anything after they cough on their hands. But regardless, I haven't gotten sick until now.

Oh! Also on Saturday I went to the library in my old neighborhood with my mom. Surprisingly they had a book sale! My heart started to go nuts with excitement lol Unfortunately a lot of the books were old and weren't very interesting to me. Yet I did purchase one book. We ended up getting two books, one of my nephew and one for myself and the total was surprisingly low. Only 65 cents! I thought that was a steal seeing as the original price on the book I have is 23 dollars.

I've been trying to be a bit active despite my slight fatigue. Such as going for a walk with the dogs, or doing a short exercise routine with Cassey Ho from Blogilates (Love her channel!). I'm actually happy to have workout this week. I've cut down to doing absolutely no workout for the past three months. Yet I've been telling myself that if I don't work out than I won't eat junk food. Ha! I told myself lol Also, coughing while having a sore tummy from a workout is not fun at all lol that or laughing.

Now I see what people mean when they're out of high school. They say something along the lines of "well, I would exercise, but I don't have time" when in reality it's really like "I would exercise, but I just don't feel like it, and no one is forcing me to do it!" On the weekends when my mom isn't working, I'd ask her if she wants to work out with me and she says no lol Then a few days later she'll make the statement that she's gonna sign up to the gym/workout club. I'm always amazed by this.

If you really want to do something, you'd do it. The thing is that the particular thing you want to do seem nearly impossible, despite the fact that you want to do it. When it reality, it's not impossible, it's just your will is a little weak.

Don't worry. I'm not making this statement to say that certain people are not strong enough, I mean I have my days where I just want to be lazy, but my mind won't allow it. It won't shut up with it's persistent nagging of keeping in shape, working on my portfolio, the important stuff. If we just do a bit at a time, I feel that it can satisfy us.

So even if you workout for about five minutes per day, or fifteen minutes for three days out of the week, there is still a benefit. I tell myself this often, so I'm sharing this with you as well :) This is how I get through my classes as well. So be kind with yourself. Treat yourself as a student learning and understand that sometimes we just aren't feeling up to things. That's perfectly fine. Just don't try to make it a habit.

Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna rest a bit and have some tea.

Take care.

Mon

The Art of Character

I recently started reading this book by David Corbett titled The Art of Character. I've run into quite a few interesting lines that he's written, but the one I'll share is the one I just read. In chapter three there are questioned targeted towards the reader of the book. It prompts the reader to dig within themselves and write about either, some of the most troubling points of their lives, or the most rewarding. He mentions how reaching deep within ourselves, as it's one of the things most of us try to avoid, can help enliven our characters.

The line I liked was this:

"Heartbreak is a gift---it's self-pity that's poison."

It all started with Hands

Hi!

A very late blog today. I'm wondering if it's really the two cups of coffee I had at around 10 p.m. that's keeping me up...or is it my own will. Perhaps it's both!

I felt like talking about where all my questioning started....Hm...I was going to say it started with my hands, but honestly I've always been like this. Since I found out I could check out books for free at my elementary school library, I've been seeking and reading about just about anything. I remember reading a lot of my older sister's Goosebumps books. I had two that I enjoyed the most. I didn't start reading those until I was in middle school though. Back to elementary school! I once checked out a cat book. It was all about cats, and it even had images of a cat giving birth. Now that I think about it, as highly educational as it is, it's a strange book to have in an elementary school lol

I also checked out a hand painting book. I remember this one because of the colors and the faces that were drawn on the book.

Let's move beyond this simple thing! My truly deep questions started during my last year of high school. I was in art class, feeling completely silly, and I was going to talk to a friend of mines who was working on an art piece in this back room, when I suddenly stopped, looked at my hands and asked him "who's eyes are we looking through?" lol

During that time I was seriously mesmerized by my hands and sight lol I remember one of the art teachers was coming into the room behind me and she made this face that said "Really?" of course my friend and this teacher were use to my strange ways, but I was dead serious.

I think this was when my deep moments started...or rather it's the one I remember best. I don't ever want to stop asking questions, I'm sure there's so much to ask, but I'm not sure exactly where to continue from, or if I'm really searching for an answer rather than just to entertain myself from getting bored lol

I picked up the habit of asking questions just to be asking them from Socrates. My mom says he's annoying, but gotta say he seemed like an interesting man! He had a way of opening people's eyes to seeing themselves. To see that we aren't as "correct" as we like to think we are! When I took a Philosophy class about 3 years back, I remember being super excited for Ethics and Philosophy class. I honestly don't get excited for any class besides art and choir! This is a fact. So to be excited about this class was a big deal.

Anyway, since that time in high school, I've continued seeking questions to ask. I actually think I would rather not know the answer to any of the question, or rather, if I'm given an answer, I want to ponder over that answer with another question. Just because :) ya know. No particular reason lol

To be, it's similar to going into a library full of books. Can you imagine reading all the books in the library! That thirst for going on an adventure by being devoured by written ink would be weakened if I would have to be forced to read the same books again and again. What's new!

Of course, I'm sure life isn't like that. There's always something new. Different cultures, languages, people. Actually, you know what. I have this habit when I feel as if I'm getting to the end of something, I stop lol Recently I've been forcing myself to complete what I've started, but I will say that I do this. For example, I started learning Japanese during my senior year of high school. I stopped studying suddenly when I learned more about the Japanese culture and the behavior of Japan. After a while I thought "it seems to normal" and I've moved into reading about metaphysics lol Of course I'll still pick up a new Japanese word, or I'll pick up my language book and study a bit, but I use to have so much zest when I approached it in the past.

The same goes for singing, and...well, just about anything I take an interest in. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married at this rate lol Dear future husband, you must be a very VERY interesting person so I won't lose interest xD

With that, I'm heading off.

Mon

My flaw (Impulsive me!)

Hi Blogger nuts! <---I have no idea

I said before that I wanted to start posting some images to go along with my blogs. Hm....I may still do that, but only on the blogs that need them. I've been also considering vlogging, but the problem with that is keeping up with them everyday. Personally, I love vloggers who vlog everyday and have specific topics they cover each week. Unfortunately I have no idea what I would talk about. So I'm sure my videos would be sparse.

Anyways, I decided to share one of my flaws. Well, I don't know if I would call it a flaw, I think flaw has a negative connotation, I'll say it's a quirk. Quirk sounds cuter and less harsh.

Well, my quirk is that I can be impulsive. Urgh, impulsive urges are the worst lol It's like temptation is always standing behind me with an offer or pushing me towards an object. Why am I talking about this? Well, yesterday there was something a fb friend of mines sent me. It's supposedly a way to make money online. Instantly I felt "Yeah I don't trust this" despite the fact that I  do use website and have earned money doing things online. HOWEVER, the difference is the amount being offered.

On this website they say a person can make about 40,000 a month. What really got me was that I would have to pay $47 dollars per month. Hm....That made me skeptical lol I know it's funny that that small amount made me skeptical. And yet despite that feeling I was seriously about to visit my paypal account to transfer money to my card lol oh boy xDD

Now, as I said I've used websites to earn money, but I don't have to spend money, and it's not like I'm earning so much in such a short amount of time. It's not like I don't think it's possible to make a lot of money in a month, but not online, that sounds like a scam.

Now, luckily I didn't have the money on my card, and in order to transfer money from my bank account to my paypal would take 3-5 days. Which I didn't do.

Instead I looked up videos and reviews on youtube, and boy did I see a lot about people talking about how it's a scam. I researched through google as well. I also thought to myself that at least with a job I'd have a better idea of whether I will be getting a check or not. I also questioned myself on whether or not I'd keep up with dealing with that website, which was an absolute no.

Recently I've been reflecting on what's important, what I should focus on, and what I need in my life to accomplish those things. And using that website was not one and going to a woman's expo was not one. These are side things I can consider, but they may likely distract me from what I need to do in order to get to where I want to be. I just hope the people I let down in the future will understand this.

Anyway, because I've been reflecting on those things, I made a promise to myself to focus, and I'm starting to feel like it really will test whether I can control my impulse to act on things I'll regret. There will be that part of me that thinks I'll really need this and that when I truly don't, and yeah I may feel a little empty because I don't need it, but it'll fade away. Besides, when I complete my goals, and the opportunity is still present, I'll ask myself if I still want that thing, but for the most part they are nonsense things.

The reason I would have chosen to join that thing is to pay off my loans, but I shouldn't even be thinking about my loans. I am planning ahead on how I'll pay them off, but I'm not so worried. I'm keeping my mind free from worrying about that and leave it to a higher power to guide me to where I have to go and, perhaps, I will happen to stumble on a job I truly love and the loan won't even feel like a burden.

Also, I've been imagining the kind of place I'd like to work. If it's in art, or whatever, all I want in a place where everyone is open and friendly, where they don't judge each other, and where they would allow you to be yourself. If that's in the place I work, I'd be happy to work on projects with them. I love stuff like that!

So I'm sure my thoughts are being monitored. I'm not asking for much, but I'd at least like that much. :)

In my birth chart it recommended that I don't stick to an indoor job, but rather to take a job where I can travel or be outdoors. I do love being indoors, but it's only when I'm at home. When I'm working on things, I can sit for only about a few hours (5 hours is the most I can sit and work on something straight through) before I want to get up and walk around outside or get some air.

Back to the point, I feel that having a quirk is a good way to challenge yourself. If you would like to stop doing such and such action, I believe it's very possible. For one, you have to place your mind in the right place. Stop telling yourself you can't and start taking small steps to get it done. If you see yourself as being something, such as being happier, being more creative, etc, don't tell yourself it's impossible because it's not. I look at it like this, you just need the resources, and if you walk into a library you will see there are countless aisles of information and books to help you improve. The same is true for life.

Improve because you want to. This is key! When you want to do it, you definitely will. :) And you definitely can!

I shared my quirk as a well to give you proof that if I can stop making impulsive decisions (and I will continue to improve this quirk) so can you~~ So let's keep doing our best because the only place you can go is forward.

Mon

A thought (Warriors with wagons)

When you realize that you can't continue to carry your own weighted wagon and someone else's...

Struggle is a tough thing. I don't think a lot of people want to see other people struggle, I know I certainly don't. But, there's a way to look at it as something that isn't so bad. I think it has more to do with what I was taught growing up, not from my mom, but from the times I did go to church as a kid.

It's the compassionate and generous thing to give without requiring something in return. This is sad to be an ultimate kindness. Yet, some people take and take. Imagine it as if your restore your heart and then people come and began to take and take pieces of it, then you have to go heal again, and the same thing happens once more. After some time, wouldn't it make sense that you'll choose who you'll share it with? It's not out of being mean or rude, but the understanding that there are those who could truly need kindness  and those who simply want it because they can have it.

I imagine us all starting off with an empty wagon. As we proceed through our journey in life we began to pile on things we've picked up. Along the way we see other people carrying their own wagons as well. We can choose to help them if we want, we can even give encouraging words. Now, there is also the option of pulling their wagon and your own. It's twice the work, but it seems like they can use a hand right? But, what exactly does that person gain from this but a free and carefree ride at your expense.

It could just be my nature but I often feel very harsh when I say things like this, but I try my best not to feel guilty because I understand that it's a part of me that knows that there are people out there like that.

It's easy for them because they just toss all their problems on you.

This hasn't happened to me recently, but it came to mind when I started reading this article here:

http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com/3-symptoms-of-a-lost-soul/

I didn't get very far when this thought came to mind and I started to wonder why I though struggle is a "bad" thing. Well, of course struggling as helped me in many ways! But I definitely don't enjoy it because it can be tough, but...well think of it like being forced to eat your broccoli as a kid. You can either just get it over with or scoop it under your plate and hope your parents don't find out lol

But we know the saying that vegetables are good for us, well, I think similar of struggles. My theory is that it's a souls way of exercise. I know there are people out there who claim we aren't souls, but, okay, think of it as mental exercises then lol You go through life and you come across obstacles. Based on the past events, you very likely hold the answers to solving this new riddle.

What does this have to do with your wagon? Well, I think we pack on our wagons what we wish to. For example, when you go to a market and you see lots of cool things and lots of interesting people, will you go nuts and start tossing things and people on your wagon, or will you choose what's essential for you? Also, when you realize you don't need certain things in your wagon, will you toss it or will you continue to carry it?

I'm sure you get what I'm saying when I say "wagon" right? If not I'm talking about the weights, burdens, we carry on our shoulders.

Things seems to look a lot more complicated when viewed from the perspective of living, but I always find that thinking of it in terms of something else can make it a bit easier.

I love this Youtuber! Her name is Jenna Marbles, and I think she does a very good and interesting job of explaining why having low expectations is a good things. Despite her vulgar language at time, she makes a lot of interesting points lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RljdJzA1nhk

Mon

P.S

I'm not saying you can't help people, I'm saying that you have a choice who you help and should prepare to take responsibility/accept the outcome accordingly. I know someone who seems a bit bitter about all that they gave to someone only to have the person up and leave. I can imagine that such a thing is painful, but I often think that when a person chooses to let someone in their life, it's a choice on their behalf, not something they are forced to do. I've had my share of let downs, but I walk into things with the mentality that if things start to hit the fan I know it's a path I chose and must see it through. It's not always easy, but the things that aren't easy teach us or strengthen us.

I simply say this to give sword and shields to the great fighting warriors of life. I know quite a few and I truly appreciate their great strength and determination. Great warriors like to be acknowledge, I believe, so this is for all the people out there trying their best and those who are doing all they can but don't feel it's enough, let it be known that your efforts are never in vain.

Keep up the good work! If I notice your strength, I'm sure plenty of others do. They just don't say anything :)

Life updates + A few thoughts

It's official my finals week. Completely random, but I'm sure there are people who feel that their lives have more meaning when they're productive, right?

I feel like it's a benefit to feel this way, but also a sort of curse because if we're enjoying down time for an extended amount of time we feel unproductive and lazy. I'll say I certainly don't feel like I work TOO hard, but I don't like feeling as if I'm going to waste.

I find that my down time are simple times, or even a day where I would watch my favorite cartoon or movie, read a book or playing a video game. Things like learning a language can feel like a task to me!  Actually, would that even be considered a leisure event? I guess the leisure comes from being able to communicate with people from different countries right? Also being able to enjoy the country in all it's luxuries could be nice if you understood what was being said.

Anyway, as I said it's finals week! What does this mean for my school and being an animation student? Well, throughout the week we are given either small assignments (such as modeling an item in 3D) which could lead to an even bigger project (a full scene using lots of modeled objects to populate the scene). It doesn't sound like a lot, but the workload can get crazy if a person decides to overdo it. Me? Well, I never overdo it. I guess that's why I don't feel as insane and sleep deprived as some of my classmates express in frustration. They're literally like bottles being tossed around until they're ready to explode and their minds spill over the top. I learned that this does not help me because I understand my limits. Some days I don't feel like doing much work, other days I have a lot of energy. I dedicate this working on small assignments.

I read this also in a book teaching how to write webcomics. The author mentioned taking on only as much as you can chew. So I decided to keep things simple.

So anyways, my finals consisted of 6 animations shorts, pretty simple but I still haven't completed them all, two of the animations are finals. The other final is completing objects for a game. I'm not all to crazy about the props in the game, but it's cool. It was a team project so I enjoyed that the most.

For the summer, omg, my head is going to explode because of all the possibilities, but I will literally tell myself to focus on one thing at a time. It has come to me that I'm a flip-flopper. I may never see something through in it's entirety because I'll move from one thing to another. So I decided to finish up the chapter I started for my webcomic this summer.

Then I'd like to focus on improving my 3D modeling skills. I'm shooting for the stars when I say to myself "and then I'll model a character! Then I'll rig it! Then I'll make this game, and oh man, it's gonna be awesome!!" because I can be a huge dreamer and an optimistic. I'd take on more than I can chew.

I've spent a lot of time not typing blogs because I've been re-evaluating myself and I've been wondering how I can improve myself by means of being able to keep things simple, but also do what I enjoy doing. I think it takes time to find an approach that can mend into old habits and improve them, but it's not impossible. So I've been doing that and the thought of typing a blog seemed more like a chore than a pasttime.

So I decided to stick to modeling very very basic characters. One thing I'd like to do is to become a better texture artist. Texturing objects is an art I haven't quite grasped yet. I'm trying to look at 3D modeling as an art form, rather than a strain on my brain. You see, at my school, often our assignments require us to do multiple things that a full production of different teams would do separately. So there would be a team of texture artist, a team of 3D modeler, a team of animators and so on and so forth, but for us students, we are required to do them all. I find this to be a very flawed way to do thing and it can even cause unnecessary pressure on certain students because they're trying to do something they just aren't capable of doing.

It's like putting a paralyzed person in a race.

Back to the point, even though I have all these things I'd like to do, I think I should stick to maybe 2 or three of them at most. No more than three. That way I can reap the complete benefit of the experience. Besides, I don't have to rush anything. If I can gain an 100 percent benefit of something, it will likely stay embedded in my mind rather than if I were to gain only 65 percent or less or the true benefit. It would be like taking piano class but not learning to read the sheet music or learn the sheet music without the piano. It defeats the purpose of the whole.

Whelps! I gotta get to work. :)

Mon

06/10/15

If I can make it to one thousand post, that would be awesome!

Thinking aloud here.

I'm sitting here, at midnight, knowing that I have class in the morning. Luckily it's my late class and it doesn't start until 3 p.m., but that's not the point lol

I remember when I was younger I use to say "I'm bored!" it was always "I'm bored! I'm bored! I'm bored!" I I I I I. Me me me me me

Well, nowadays it's not easy to cram everything I'm thinking into one day. Perhaps it's because I have more interest than I did as a kid. Also, I'm sure it's not just me, but don't you ever think "I was that kid. Wait. I AM that kid!!" I find myself thinking about myself as a young kid....and honestly I'm just a big kid....with a brain and life experience lol The only thing that truly grew was my body. That never equates to wisdom, or smart or anything.

Back to the point, despite the fact that I drew, played video games and read books as a kid, I think there's more opportunities when you're old enough to enjoy them. Such as social gatherings and such. It use to irk me to have to "leave the grown-ups" alone. Mainly because I always chatted with my teachers when I was in school. I connected to older people a lot easier than I could my peers. That's not to say I didn't have friends, it's just teachers weren't very petty :P

Anyway, I still do those things that I did as a kid, but as time progressed I've taken an interest in many other things. I think what I really meant was my life is so tiny. I mean think, how many of us as children, actually understood how huge this world is. I mean, there are pros to being an ignorant kid, because we don't quite comprehend the troubles or life, but there's also pros to being able to comprehend those things as well.

One thing I've found I've been doing lately is just watching. I don't know if I've come to lack empathy, but I've been viewing situations as situations and nothing else. I detach myself, in a way, from emotional ties to see a bigger picture. Doesn't mean I don't necessarily feel anything, I guess if anything it's more like I've seen the same situation so many times that it's gotten to the point where I'm more aware of how I WOULD or COULD feel during a situation.

I try to give myself some distance. This has made it a bit easier for me to focus on my schoolwork. :)

For good or bad, I can't say, but it's obviously helped me with something. Also, I've found that, more likely than never, I would subconsciously do things that will help me improve in someway. I would think "Oh geez! I'm lucky" and say my thanks lol I don't think life is all about luck or being in the right place.

Even things that would bother me before kind of make me laugh. I do still get irritated, but I don't get upset as often or frustrated. I pace myself. I think I got more frustrated with schoolwork and irritated with things I can't change. But these past few quarters have been great! I'm not sure if I've been pacing myself in a way that works for me, or if I've just been given easy classes with easygoing teachers. Well I definitely won't take it for granted and I say my thanks very often.

Well, I'm gonna head off now.

I'm gonna try to get to one thousand journal entries. Not sure how long it will take. I'll also just start typing whatever comes to my mind.

Mon