09/14/13

So I haven't typed much here. It not because I have nothing to type about, but because I've been a bit "still" and just relaxing. I have two weeks left before my classes began and I've been working on my webcomic.

I did type a journal the day before yesterday, but I forgot what it was about. I guess I'll copy and paste that here.

Before I paste this, I'd like to add that my thoughts when typing usually skip or I go from thought to thought to catch each and everyone. It's easier to just sit and think without writing because my thoughts are usually faster than I can write. Also a lot of thoughts seem to be random, but I type them anyways. Also, I don't usually re-read my post lol it feels a bit strange. So if there are errors it's because I don't go back to re-check my work. I'd probably get nervous and try to change things.

So here we go! The time when I wrote this was about 3 something a.m. I didn't finish until 4:12 a.m.

"I think life is all about finding one's self. Being completely comfortable with balance and moderaity (that's not a word is it?). It's having the strength to live as who you are without having to consult someone else about who you are, what we are, and who we are. When we know who we are, there's no need to judge others, as we understand they are on the same path of discovery.

On good or bad choices, I feel that they are all parts of understanding who we are as a whole. Of course responsiblity for actions rest on the individual. And even though it's possible to destroy one's own home and others home as well, we are not, in the individual sense, held accountable for the actions of others.

I feel that choices are just that. Choices. We have pinned terms on everything and also categorized them. But if words had no meaning, then those things would be meaningless. They would only exist in their own right. Just as humans in their own right. And just has each and every person in their own right. And everyone's personality. And so on.

Consciousness. Maybe it's just me, but I experienced something the day of on incident with the car "accident". I don't believe it was an accident at all, believe it or not. To this day I still think about my easiness towards the situation. Of course I'm still a bit afraid of cars (not as stifled as I was after the accident) or should I say I'm cautious. Anyways, I remember being a little sore. I found the situation a bit funny because my sisters were worried about me. It was a school day, I believe they both stayed home. I remember just being happy and when my mom asked if I wanted to take the old lady who hit me to court, I answered, without hesitation, "no" it wasn't necessary.

At the time I didn't understand the situation. But now I feel like I do. Of course on the ride home I had horrible thoughts. Such as "She's old. She'll probably pass on soon, I should've just took her to court." I pushed those thoughts away and I'm happy with my choice.

Although it seemed like an accident, and it was a bit out of the norm from what I'm use to experiencing, I felt like if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Anyways, back to the point. That day I had an experience where I was out of my body. It was a very split and quick second. Possible 5 seconds. I felt myself seperate from the body I know. Of course I still felt feelings. But it happened so quickly that I couldn't process much. It was seriously no more than 5 seconds.

Of course to someone who may not have experienced this, it would seem crazy. Of course because they haven't experienced it. I take this situation and I apply to a situation where someone explains to me why they stay in a bad relationship. From the outside looking in, it's easy to say (and almost natural and common) "well that's just dumb" or "that doesn't sound right" because we aren't experiencing it the way they are with their "uniqueness."

Explaining how we see the situation is fine I believe. But in the end they are the one to experience it. Live it.

Anyways, applying me viewing a situation I've never been in before, and looking at my own experience, I can understand what some people may think or feel or believe about what I may say. There's doubt. And mainly, I think it may have something to do with them not knowing what to believe in.

And it brings me back to knowing yourself to such a complete and definite depth, that, regardless of what someone else says, it doesn't effect you personally. It becomes only words that they share.

I know I still have some says to go. I mean, seriously today my sister was sharing something with me and I thought "why is she telling me this? How is this relevant to me?" it was in a way of "okay, why should I care?" She was still talking, and I had to stop myself and say "She's sharing it because it's meaningful to her" and so I started listening. And after she finished I thought to myself "it must be really bothering her." even though I didn't say anything.

At this moment it makes me think about how things bother me, and I would like someone to listen. To truly listen and to understand. And now I understand a bit more about what true listening is. I think, it's not that the person wants someone to answer their questions for them, but lead them to the answer they already know.

It's like the situation where someone goes to someone, talk, and then answer their own question. Even if the person answers, the talkee may start to ramble and come to their conclusion lol I guess in a way it's a comfort thing, knowing that someone is beside you, just sitting with you during a time where you're trying to solve an issue. I think it has more to do with comfort.

I truly believe we are comfort beings! Learning new things take time. It deals with wrapping your mind and heart around a situation. To truly GET IT. It's more than just being able to solve the problem "2 + 2 = 4"

I don't think it's about programming either. I believe it's about connecting. Hm...the closest thing I could think of are relationships. They take work. And they continue to take work throughout our whole lives. There's always still so many obstacles.


And it brings me back to the main point of this all. Life is like a relationship with ourselves. Finding that connection. That understanding. It takes time.

My question is "why?", why does it take time? And why come to earth?

Well, this is only based from what I read and heard, but it's because we learn things quicker on earth. I'm not sure how true it is to have an old soul which has lived thousands of years and experienced many lives (I guess it doesn't matter much to me anymore), mainly I say I'm not sure because it would seem that they should be done right?

Well, I guess this next part may make sense. There are souls which return to help other soulds on their journey. I guess it's like guides, only in human form. They can still work on a few things, kind of like brushing up skills, or picking up a new language while helping others.

I'm not so much a fan of the whole teacher/student term. I prefer friend/friend, as it seems more heart to heart. Possibly my meaning of teacher may not be a positive one due to my outlook on teachers growing up.

I've had a lot of issues with dealing with "authoritative figures" there was always this "I'm the teacher, you're the student!" and that may be fine for some people, and I'm not saying it's wrong, but it felt like I was "little" compared to them. It made me feel like I could never reach high enough.

It's a bit overthought it would seem, but I seriously felt this way. I've had teachers seriously make me cry due to their "cruel" treatment. Of course I got to a point where I thought "not everyone is attacking you."

I felt like my mom wasn't "listening" to me. She would say "you always think someone is out to get you" and I won't lie, I seriously did. Lol I'm not sure if this is a teen phase, but yes, I went through it too.

I think it's a phase of discovery. I think there is a huge chuck of discovery that is taken place during the ages between 13-18. 19-30 is pretty much the finding one's place in life. 13-18 is like discovering who YOU are. And trying to fit with different mixes to find out which one sits right.

While doing this, it could seem that things are overwhelming. You got homework, teachers, friends, enemies, crushes, chores, bratty siblings. It's a lot. I think the ages 13-18 is all about juggling and learning balance. From birth to about 10 to 12 we were nurtured, taken care of. Then suddenly we are tossed into unknown territory.

I seriously remember my first day of high school (this is very true!), I was so shocked and sad when my older sister told me that there is no recess! lol Up until high school there has always been break time. In middle school it was more like they tossed us outside and let us hang out with friends. "Being stuck in school all day with no air? How would I survive!??"

Maybe I couldn't do it in high school, but in college I step out every once in a while for a breather..

I was happy that in high school I actually had teachers who seemed to "understand" and allowed me to breath for a while. I'm different, in the sense that I feel a bit...well, a bit on the sensitive side. I'm not sure if I feel energy. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel and that's all need to know.

And sometimes things become to overwhelming. I remember once it got bad to where my chest became tight and I couldn't breath. My body got really hot and I started to hyperventilate. This was during a very tough time in my second year of high school. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. I just couldn't breath there. My teacher wouldn't let me leave, so I left out and had to walk alone to the nurse's office, well alone halfway. These two guys who were walking ahead of me saw me and helped me. So I was happy for that.

I realized how much I'm affected if I don't get the chance to breath. That experience was enough for me to understand now that I'm not built like everyone else in the sense of ME. But on the outside I am. As I soul I am. As energy I am. But my make-up is different. It's not wrong different.  But it's where I can say "I'm ME. And you are YOU" because I can feel it.

Although I'm not completely good with feeling energy...well, I'm not aware of it anyways. I'm more aware of presence. Like, if my sister were to sneak into my room, I would just know there's something there and not know who's presence it is.

I should work on that.

Well, that's all for now. This is a lot of stuff lol "

The end! :3

Mon