04.28.13

In the past I use to read about the 7 chakras. I remember a lot of them, but I don't tackle them mentally. I found that that way doesn't suit me. I found that seeing and touching the world around me was more helpful.

At the moment I'm watching some videos about Tupac and Lisa Left Eye Lopes. And I'm sitting here staring at the screen, and everytime I hear one of them speak, or when I see them I think "Wow, they are so true to themselves." and I can feel that.

I think, it's kind of hard to com across people like this. People who are so true it can be felt. That's not to say they don't exist, but it's definitely not the kind of people I would run into everyday. I think that truthfulness, that acceptance of allowing themselves to be who are they, regardless of who says what about them, is what illuminates from their heart (or heart chakra). And that's felt.

It's kind of like the feeling of sitting with someone, and seeing a glow about them, feeling a warmth. It's probably more like hearing the person speak and they never break into an "um...." or sound uncertain about the truth which carries them through life.

I often fail at this. No sometimes no matter how confident or how my words come out to others, I still feel I have things to learn and I feel I can't speak with conviction.I can't say I know my beliefs for all time but now. I can't guarantee that my mind won't change.

But I do often think if I speak, I'd like to speak words which are enabling. Words that aren't degrading or trying to pull a person down. We have enough of that. Why add another?

Oh! And I just remembered. I remember my sister and mom were talking about...I just forgot, the dog started barking and it broke my train of thought lol

Lately, I haven't been necessarily speaking, but have been feeling. I've just been feeling. And I'm not sure if I could put in words what I'm feeling. They aren't bad feelings. Recently I've been listening. I've been listening to the way people talk to each other. But I do have an issue, my feelings would often become aroused and I'd want to step in lol

But I would like to be able to sit and listen without allowing my personal feelings to get in the way. My emotions are not my enemy but they help me to realize or see what bothers me, and I can ask why it bothers me. They are like signals. I believe our emotions are like signals. They make us aware of who we are. Hm...in a way they are who we are. But I don't think they should control our actions. That would only make us a puppet to our own emotions. We have minds. Mix our emotions with our minds, and create an intention, but even with those mixtures we control what we do. Maybe not everything we think, especially if it deals with the sense and a thought comes to mind such as "Fries." or whatever it is that's being smelled.

But we do generally control what we do. I would say what we say, generally speaking, excluding people with tourettes.

But back to the point. I would like to be just an observer. I know this will be a challenge because I'm quite a feeling person, and I can instantly tell if I dislike something, like it or feel content about it. But with being an observer, I have to be able to push those emotions aside. I know this isn't impossible, I believe it's very possible. But it will take me some time. I really think it would be helpful :3 This ability along with the ability to feel things could probably definitely help me in the future. So I'll keep trying.

Mon

An open heart is....

"An open heart is a heart that feels comfortable saying: “Let’s try.” “We’ll find a way.” “Let’s learn something new.” An open heart is a heart that is not afraid; it knows how to endure sadness. It knows how to heal and how to forgive. It is strong and loving. An open heart is not exclusively feminine or masculine. At its most basic, an open heart is a heart that is not afraid to love deeply. It is not blind to cost, or reason, or practicality–but it’s not necessarily governed by those factors either. An open heart sees possibilities. It has vision. It is patient, it is wise."

Random memory

Okay so here's the memory!

When I was younger I really wanted to be a gymnast! I really did. I even asked my mom to sign me up for classes. Unfortunately she never did :/ So never got to experience it. I use to watch the channel where gymnast would compete and I thought they looked so cool! (I really liked the attire)

However that dream changed. In elementary during gym I use to do headstands....but not the correct way though lol and I didn't know that. I would place my head on the ground and level myself against a wall and just chill that way.

But then one day I did that and SNAP! I ended up spraining my neck lol Everytime I think about now, I always think "I could've broken my neck back then!" haha

I was never told "don't do that, you can hurt your neck", so I didn't know.

So I ended up going to the nurse....I don't think I cried. But I did walk through school the rest of the day with my head tilted to one side and my ear connected to my shoulder like my ear needed a shoulder to lean on or something lol I even walked home that way.

So after that I realized how dangerous it can be doing headstands. And once during gym the teacher had taken out a balance beam, and it was way too high!

Since then I've never looked back down the road and thought "y'know, I think I'll do some gymnastics" lol

But now that I think about it, I would probably still learn some moves, just to get over that feeling I had before. I still think it's a pretty interesting activity.

Me and my younger sister were also interested in ballroom dancing. I think we may have just thought the dancers were fancy. We would watch a television program that broadcast ballroom dancing couples. Then we would slip on a pair of socks, push things to the side and make room in the living room and glide around on the floor like we were ballroom dancing lol Ohhh~ the memories~

Mon

I feel empty!

Okay, so besides being hungry right now, I feel nothing! D:

Okay, not "nothing" as in I don't have feelings. But if I read something I just shrug and go on. Could it be I'm tried or something? I don't even feel guilty for feeling this way lol does this mean I'll just randomly go through life accepting anything?

Okay, no, I mean, I don't let people treat me like crap, but with other people's issues, if they aren't opened to at least considering what I'm saying I'll just shrug and if they cry I'll just think "they're bring this on themselves."

Maybe I'm feeling empty about somethings because some people are bringing that  pain on themselves and it's like they want to be stuck there. So why should I be kissing their pain and saying "awww, everything will be okay."

Recently I just don't have much to say. I don't feel arguing is necessary. Negative thinking hasn't crept up on me, besides me saying "I have a lot of class assignments, I don't know if I'll be able to finish this."

But I feel okay. I feel like things will continue to move on, and that people and time and the world will continue to move on. As harsh as it sounds, why waste time standing behind with a bad situation when there's a whole life of possibilities.

I can't say I'll feel this way for the rest of my life, but I do feel this way now. I would stop and say "okay, I don't know what's going on, but I think I should be feeling something right now" lol

It makes me think I'm uncaring or insensitive towards other people. But I guess if I'm going to be caring of sensitive towards people I would rather do it sincerely rather than doing it because I think I should.

That's the way growing should be. We grow, but we don't think about growing . If we do, we'll think we're growing more than we actually are.

I guess the feeling is feeling contentment. After going through roller-coaster emotions, this is a bit foreign to me lol

04.19.13

Eventually the truth will come out.

Updates! My older sister's loneliness, ethics and reality

So recently my family and I have been moving stuff from our old house and into the new one. New furniture and everything! It's great. However my older sister was expressing her feelings of feeling like she's been pushed aside, or invisible in our family. >__< I think that's horrible.

I could try to make excuses for the situation and say "it's because of her selfishness sometimes" but in all honesty, I think my sister has a healthy dose of not letting people walk over her and helping when she has time. She's the kind of person that will help when she can, but also know that she has to be happy in order to do that, and I appreciate that in her. I can't really erase her feelings of loneliness with a magic eraser, and it has to be handled by her will, but I wish I could help somehow. I'm not sure. But I feel that it's something she has to learn to deal with. Besides, when it comes to trying to help her, it's like my words aren't completely heard.

What makes me more sadder is that I heard her crying some nights ago. Hm...she's cried in front of me once before when she spoke about my mom. But I guess I can understand. With my mom it's like reaching out to her for some kind of love that she just can't give. I can understand this because my mom has had her own issues.

I've come to think that it's best to not expect but to take gratefully for what a person can at least give, even if it's a little. That's not to say put up with negative behavior or anything. But when it comes to family (and yes I do believe the same rule I just stated applies to blood relatives) I feel that I should at least try to be understanding. It's a way of not having a negative outlook on them. So I can see the good and the not so good points. 

So that's pretty much that. I seriously do feel for my older sister and I hope she can get over this eventually and not hold a grudge against our mom. Honestly i don't think she likes our mom very much. She never says "mom" or calls our mom that. She'll say "your mom" or "y'all momma" or just "her/she." In the end I think it's something my mom and older sister have to work out together. My sister was telling me  how she felt that my mom was treating her like how her mom possibly treated her.

In this kind of situation I feel for it, but I just look at it and say a vicious cycle will only seem to repeat itself if a person can't see beyond the emotions of hate, or see beyond the surface. I often have the thought of digging deeper. What can be found when digging can shine a whole new light on the situation. And maybe even possibly consideration. This is what I did for my grandma. I use  to view her in a way that wasn't in light. I guess I was influenced by who I thought she was. But now I believe I see her for herself. It's so bright and shiny. 

But that doesn't mean people won't have their moments. It's just good to use one's best judgement. 

Now on to ethics! ^^ I got a book from the school's library. I'm not very far in it, but I find it interesting! Surprisingly I don't think any of the theories are wrong because each has an aspect that I think could be applied to life. I don't think I could just choose one. 

What's wrong with me not choosing one (or that I feel could come across as lack of confidence) is that it would seem I'm indifferent with a lot of things in life. I do have likes and dislikes, but I often am on the fence. Someone once said to me "you have to choose one or the other" and I thought "who are you to make that rule?" 

But I would like to understand where my mind is. Hm...it's strange to say it, but on a lot of topics I'm not so certain where I stand because my feelings aren't completely strong in either directions. Say for example terrorism. I find that it's not good. Especially when it involves people getting hurt. But I there's a reason for everything. But it's the force that strikes back that I turn and glance at. 

Take for example the bombing of Hiroshima. Of course I feel that Japan should not have bombed Pearl Harbor, and I wondered were they even prepared for a retaliation (as this seems to be the case with a lot of actions in human life)? So yes, it wasn't the best choice. But what was even worse was to attack back rather than to communicate. It reminds me of a cheating boyfriend, and a girlfriend retaliate by cheating back. You're not only hurting yourself, but that other person involved. It stops being about just the boyfriend and girlfriend but also the other two people they fooled around with. And who knows who those people are involved with. And it grows and grows and grows, until it seems unstoppable. 

It's like those balls on a string. The one that hits the ball causes a reaction in the last ball, but the situation is different with humans, as a human has the mind to say "wait...but I won't handle this situation this way." It seems like the best course of action for "getting even" but it always seems to result in more blood shed. "He cut my face! So I shall cut him back!"

*shakes head* Continuing to do things in this fashion will only result in what we have been receiving all these years. I do admit there are some people who realize this, but there is a mass majority who still think of cutting the cutter. But that's not to say I don't believe we won't excel past this eventually. I just hope it doesn't get to the point where things are destroyed and can't be restored and we finally realize it. Sad but true, it does seem humans learn through pain. What a shame....

Now on to reality!

I was thinking about this as I woke up this morning. I often just lie in bed for a few minutes and just think lol it's nothing different, but it's definitely new. I thought about how reality is what we perceive it has. For example, if I were to get 5 people together and point to a car. I could ask them "what is that?" and they would likely answer a car. But if I were to ask them "what kind of car? What do you think of the car?" the answers may vary. Some may not know what kind of car it is. Some may feel the car is a cool car. Some may say they don't like the car. 

So even though people may see the same objects, they may very well view it differently. What I'm questioning is "what is right?" and "what is wrong?", who is "correct" when it comes to saying a certain action is "bad" besides the person who is perceiving it has "bad"?  

Using one's best judgement. This is what some people would say. But what is the "best" judgement? What is someone's best judgement is different from your best judgement? In my mind I feel that a person should be free to do what they feel is best, as long as they don't harm or inflict any kind of emotional or physical pain on another. Because that's a form of imposing one's self on another. 

I may very well be living in my mind. But I don't feel it has to be something that is only in my mind. A ripple is only a small droplet towards creating a change in the course of the water.

So yes I do believe reality is what we make of it. I do believe that an act cannot be measured as good and bad but harmful and un-harmful. This is what seems to matter the most to me. But then the issue comes up on the fact that we cannot control someone else's emotions. 

*sighs* it has nothing to do with me using my best judgement. I feel I make pretty decent choices when it comes to certain situations, but I'd really like to understand where I stand on being one to speak on this topic. Saying what has been said before can get pretty old. Soon old things wear away and it takes something new to either polish up on the old or create something new all together. 

There hasn't been a huge change these past couple of years and I feel it's about time to bring forth some kind of revolution. Maybe we don't quite need a HUGE change, but more of a stable structure or understanding one another has living beings, rather than a separate foreign species. For the most part I wonder if a lot of people just wish to be understood. To have a person say "You think different from me, but that's okay because diversity keeps our world interesting. 

It's another tug-of-war thing with my mind recently. I could sit and sit for hours and still never come to a solid "Okay! I'll go with this!" kind of idea. It's always an ongoing process of  considering things that don't need much considering. So then at times like that I'd play a video game lol yes I've been trying to escape my own mind with video games. But it always creeps back up. It's not that I don't have control over my mind, it's just that I'm always questioning something. Even myself lol and that can be very annoying. 

Well, that's all!

I've been hanging out quite a bit! I'm looking forward to more days. Also the weather has just been a mess. Not just that but it doesn't seem like people can control themselves with at least trying to make an effort to use their best judgement. So far there has been two hundred and something traffic deaths so far this years. It hasn't even been a whole year yet! Not just that but there are people committing crimes left and right. 

If a person feels they are losing control, please just sit down and ask yourself "why do I feel this way?" and work from there. WORK yes I said WORK to fix it another way rather than shouting, and harming others. Those things will probably only give temporary relief and that pain or anger or whatever will just come back again. The situation isn't always the outer world as it is the inner world. And by inner world I mean your view of the world. If you need help understanding what I mean, if something is bugging you, take a deeper look at it. Research it. Because for the most part, it's probably something you don't quite understand about what you hate. There is a reason for your feelings, but it's for you to examine deeper, rather than bursting off into the streets hurting however.

I am a huge believer in the fact that although a person may physical harm another, they (the person inflicting the pain) will only feel it ten times harder. It's not that I want to encourage it, or even seem happy about this (which is why I would like to help eliminate or extinguish it as much as possible), but it is true. I do believe that all actions are recorded and dealt with accordingly. So if you harm someone, expect to have harm done to you. It's just the cause and effect way of life.

Ever lied to someone, or constantly lied about something? Then expect for someone to either lie on you, or a lie to catch up to you. It could cause a lot of problems.I don't encourage this! I really don't. I would like people to make better choices, but I'm not every person in this world, and I can only do what I can to help. I'm not completely sure of what that is, but I'm sure it will come to me eventually.

*sighs* And I just sigh lol I just sigh and go on.

Anyways, I'm gonna get ready for bed. 

Night

Mon

Strange feeling

No I'm not talking about a bad feeling.

But sometimes I'll get this floaty feeling. Kind of like a slight out of body experience, but I'm still aware of what's going on.

It just happened now. I was just thinking of something....it had something to so with a creative character design from my class textbook. It mentioned unconscious and conscious mind and I felt something in my chest. It's not a bad feeling. I just don't get it lol And that's the best way I can describe it.

Hm....maybe I can find some physical experience to compare it to. Oh! Maybe it's kind of like that feeling of coming back to reality after sitting in front of a television screen or movie screen after being completely engaged in the story and movie. Something similar to that. It's that quick feeling of coming back to reality.

It happens unintentionally, and it's often very quick. But I can feel it.

Well, I wanted to share that. Of course I would try to research what it might be if I knew what to call it lol  the annoying part about the internet or even a lot of things in this world is that it has to have a name in order for a person to research it. Take for example an unknown virus that a person suddenly catches. It has no information which could provide a specialist with information that could help this patient. 

Without a name, it like it doesn't exist in a way, when in reality it has always been there, just not known. 

Thought provoking lol I'm starting to think. But I can't always type what I think because my thoughts speed by quicker than my fingers can type.

Anyways, I'm gonna finish doing some more reading. I've been also watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer! :3 I use to watch this show when I was younger. But at the time I didn't care for catching the next episode. So I'm watching it from the beginning.

Mon

Evening~

So I'm in such a good mood today! Noting so out of this world happened, but I did wake up early and I believe that contributed to a bit of my happiness~

I had an awesome day and class and laughed a lot. I seriously enjoy my classmates! They are just so nice and warm (in my opinion).

But today I felt like I was a little loud lol which is no good. I don't want to disturb people who are working hard of their assignments.

Well anyways, today I worked on my animation assignment. I still have to adjust a few things. I was also working on a drawing. I was coloring it, so I think I'll enter that into the contest.

I gotta stop typing now. Too antsy! Too much energy. So I'm gonna play a video game for a while.

Mon

Good morning~

It's actually morning and I'm awake lol

I went to bed at 2 a.m. So I'm up earlier than normal. That makes me happy~

It seems that it may seem nice outside. We shall see~

So my older sister brought me these tiny vegetable plants. I was so happy! We ended up going to the store a few days later and brought some more. They are very cute! One is a daisy plant~

I'm excited to practice growing. I will read more about gardening. I'm quite serious about growing my own vegetables and food. I think it's a kind of survival skill to know how to live off the land.

Anyways, I'm going to relax for a while before class.

Bye~

Mon

A strange habit

First I'd like to start off my saying I walk right into my bedroom door.

Random? yes. But I felt like I should share that lol I thought the door was opened. I couldn't help but laugh at myself. And I'm sure my cat thought it was funny too.

So! I'm researching. Hm..okay, no, actually I just typed a short blog on another website. I should practice writing there more. It's a website for language learners. So I often post blogs in Japanese. I'm not very successful because I don't know a lot of vocabulary. But I gotta be persistent with learning it or it will all be a waste.

Before I started typing there I started reading the book I got from the school library. It's about ethics.

Now, the strange thing about this is the fact that I took the class a few semester ago. I enjoyed it. But I grabbed the book wondering exactly what ethics is..... ┐(‘～`；)┌  yeah...

So I grabbed it to learn more about ethics. But has I'm reading I realize it hasn't explained much to me about what ethics is, but it did mention morals, living ethically and unethically.

Soooo, I did what I always do, googled "ethics". It may not seem like such a bad or strange habit to some, but I honestly google everything! At first it use to be I would use the dictionary, but I have no idea where it is. .___.

So if I every ask a question in my mind, or even if I think of a simple word such as...well, I can't think of anything, but a simple word, I would google it. Even if I think "I know this word" I'll still google it to get the correct definition. lol I google everyday. I'm not lying!

So while some people may find facebook, tumblr, or whatever other social media is out there, I like google. It's my friend.

I've been recently reading about Kings and Queens. I'm not interested in the whole power structure of it, but I'm really amazed by the whole system of it. Having a Duke and Duchess overseeing only a small portion of land. Then there's upper and lower levels of this O__o who sat down to think of this whole system?

Now, imagine that, and imagine this whole system in the world. It's like an ant planet and we're all working in it!

Some people might scoff and say "Hey! I ain't no ant" but...but ants are cool (๑•́ ₃ •̀๑) I've grown a huge respect for these little critters. I even look down at the ground as I walk so I won't step on them. They work hard to y'know!!

Oh! Also, it's been raining. I like the rain and all, but I don't like thunder. Thunder is way too loud. I don't know if it's always been this way with me, but I also anticipate that it would get louder.

Well it's good and everything, but I'd really appreciate if the weather would choose whether it wants to rain or snow, or be cold and rainy. It can't be all at once!! >_< I mean it can, but be generous to us people who are caring for you dear Earth. Not every human is wanting to gnaw at you and take advantage of your kindness (´;ω;`)　

Well, that's all for now. I'm gonna do a bit more reading. I have class tomorrow. I'm surprised I'm not screeching inside of my head saying "NOOOOO! NOT CLASS!" I'm actually looking forward to it. And what's more surprising is that for the first day of class, I honestly couldn't sleep lol talk about feeling like the first day of school.

Mon

Art Contest

Hi!

So there's another art contest online for all Ai's (the school I'm attending) across the country. One of the prizes for finalist in Adobe Creative suite, which includes all the programs we use for the classes now, and future classes. Buying the adobe suite in stores would be quite expensive, and I don't have any money.

So I decided I'll join. I will become one of those finalist *___* But the all across the country intimidates me a little. Not that I should really be concerned with anyone else's work, and that's not exactly it. It's the fact that if a lot of people enter, it will lower the rate at which I can win. Unless, of course, I did something amazing.

The deadline in on the 14th. I have high hopes, but no idea what I will do! And that's the issue lol

I've decided to sleep on it, but nothing. So I'll just think up some ideas.

So I gotta get myself pumped up and work! I would really like that program. Then I won't have to worry about how I'm going to do my class assignments from home.

Wish me luck~

Mon

The one job I appreciate but don't think I could do

I really appreciate janitor!

I don't think they get enough credits. I would often thank them mentally when I walk by them. I would often have short conversation with them.

A lot of the public bathrooms can get so nasty here. It's really disgusting!

So that's pretty much it lol

This is why I believe each person can do something to help. If we didn't have people willing, or even people who considering to clean up public places, it would be a mess!

It wouldn't  be this way if people would clean up after themselves. I honestly don't know what's so hard about cleaning up after your own mess. I guess common courtesy is not very common nowadays. Especially if they think it's okay to leave a public place the way some of them do. O__o it's actually really horrible. *shivers*

Well, I gotta go out with the doggies to watch them.

TTYL

Mon

I want to learn a lot of languages!♡

Ever so often I would run across a page in another language or a comment or post or video in another language and I would think "I would like to learn that language!"

It's not that I think it's impossible, it may take a very long time is all lol

For one, Spanish is a language I would like to learn. My friend's mother use to try to speak to me in English, but she wasn't very good at it. I never put forth the effort to actually learn it. ._. I need stronger willpower!

At the moment I'm learning Japanese. I'm kind of learning Chinese. I have a friend who's Chinese and she'd constantly ask me (in English of course) "are you studying Chinese now?", she knows I'm studying Japanese. I feel so bad  D: Because I focus more on Japanese than Chinese.

I would also like to learn French! I love a few songs by Lara Fabian, and I'd like to attempt them. I also met a French girl in high school! She was very nice, and I think sometimes she would teach me French words.

I would also like to practice Swahili. Just for the heck of it lol German seems like fun too. I took a German class back in middle school. Luckily my teacher was German :3 She was very nice too!

I also tried learning Korean once before. I once knew a Korean guy who tried to teach me Korean. But I felt embarrassed because I couldn't pronounce the words correctly.

There's so many languages out there and I'd really like to connect and communicate with people. I find that actually speaking with someone from another country and hearing what they feel and think would really help me to understand other cultures and see the world in a border manner than I do now!

This is my main reason to learn languages. And hey! I'm still young so I better study as much as I can. It's time consuming and I do like to relax whenever I can, but it's my goal someday.

Mon