It's interesting sometimes to hear people say "You look mean!"
I haven't gotten it much recently, but it was a thing that a friend of mines once said when she said she felt like she couldn't approach me. A guy I knew in college also said the same thing. "You seem unapproachable" Like I'm suppose to be walking around all the time with a smile on my face<---does this sometimes, but also think it would be creepy to see someone just DOING this all the time...
Hm...have I written about this before? Feels like I might've lol Oh well!
Anyway, I'm NOT mean. I have a pug look about me lol Or like that grumpy cat meme. Would you make fun of a person who couldn't stop smirking? No. Because that would be rude. *Cough* It's really late. Don't mind this random blog haha
So the truth is that I'm kind of weird....like sometimes I'll randomly starting jumping around like a bunny or do something weird while I'm alone. My cat knows this. Sometimes she'll just be staring at me from across the room and I say to her "Don't give me that look! You're weird too! You poo in your litter box with one foot on edge of the box and the other inside the box!" TMI? Are there other cats out there in the world that does this? I remember she stood all the way up lol It freaked me out! I thought she looked like the Alien from the movie Alien. "My cat is possessed!" is all I could think *She's literally yowling while playing in a box. Mind you it's 2:31 a.m. Me and my cat are both awake lol*
I hope this blog dispels any preconceived notions about my face. If you want to see a mean face you should watch me rage out while playing Tlou haha
I think I can be sarcastic. But I think I'm only this way towards my little sister lol she hates it. She also hates when I question her >:D People don't like being asked questions because sometimes they don't have the answers. Mehehehe
Okay. I'm done.
Good night~~
Mon
Monday, December 23, 2019
Friday, October 18, 2019
Sharing
I meant to share this a few days ago, but oh well I'm sharing it now!
An interesting thing happened and it makes me wonder if maybe something will shift! I'm hoping so.
My older sister ended up sharing something with me that made her very happy haha Even after I wrote all of what I wrote in my previous blog. The moment she started telling me about a lady who just made her so happy, I instantly went back to our conversation.
That day she was working very long hours (10 hours! Which is absolutely ridiculous) and I remember expressing to my younger sister that I felt very bad/sad for my older sister. The time when I wrote the previous blog I was spending the weekend at her house to babysit my nephew and that Saturday she left at about 9 a.m. and didn't get home until about 10 p.m. :(
Anyway, this was the case again as she had dropped off my nephew that day. So back to the story. She tells me she has something to tell me and so I call her and she tells me that this elderly lady made her very happy, but it wasn't what the elderly lady DID, it was what my sister did for her and the fact that the lady acknowledged her work and appreciated her help. Instantly I was happy even though I didn't have much to say haha But of course it's often this way with me in real life.
I'm a feely kind of person, and so I can't quite put into words what I'm feeling. I find this is the case as well with my blogs. Yet my blogs are usually long because I'm writing the thoughts that come to my head and they're usually quite...extensive lol
My sister tells me that she wheels this lady to her room, which the lady was happy she did. Then my sister helped her get settled in AND helped fix her t.v.
Overall my sister said she was filled with such happiness. It made me realize how helping others somehow help us! This isn't much of an opinion, but I guess some people might think it is, but I don't think we were necessarily meant to be selfish. Perhaps I should say it's my "belief" but I feel that this has been preached so often by so many religious...person's of importance(?) or revolutionist, that it kind of seems a bit factual...or rather as a way of living that provides a state of well-being for everyone.
Although I believe being a bit "selfish" is okay, as we also have to look after our own well-being, the best kind of happiness is when we can truly give genuinely.
This is what I was hoping my sister could understand and experience. Witness that what she gave to this lady, other's have given her.
I think the issue is that sometimes we get so caught up in our worlds that we miss certain things. We simply can't see them. I don't know if I can blame them, because I think it's like playing a sport and getting very caught up in the game that you might get angry and frustrated that the other team scored when in reality it's simply a game.
I think of moments like these as human errors...or just being human. I think it might really be an ego thing, but I think blaming the ego is kind of harsh. I believe everything we have is at our disposal, we have for a reason. So the ego is something we have for a reason. The issue, I think, is having it take the wheel. And with that, I guess I should say that there has to be a bit of accountability, yet I also understand that some people just aren't sure how to deal with their situations. And so they deal with them the best way they can.
Aside from my sister, I find it easier to examine myself by looking at the outside world. See what others are doing, evaluate myself and see if I'm doing the same thing. Does that sound confusing? I'll explain. So if I see someone do something I consider dangerous, I will more than likely not even bat an eye at attempting it. Mostly, I don't structure my life around others, but I view them and I go "Oh! That seems interesting, I'll try incorporating that piece into my life!"
Honestly I think I'm either too lazy or too stubborn to want to be like everyone else lol There are days when I start to go "You know I wish..." and then just drop my hand down and go "well, yeah, nevermind" lol The fact that some people live that way is amazing to me.
I will say, as an update on my currently, I'm still job hunting. But I'm wondering if I'm really doing just that. The workforce seems soooooo depressing to me. I think I sound like a millennial, but I realized now why they say "work smart, not hard". A lot of people break their necks and are barely living. Just constantly working every single day and missing out on living.
Then it makes me wonder, what is living? Because I'm kind of a homebody...okay I really am. My day consist of me just reading and learning, then playing a video game for like an hour or so, then learning some more haha And I go "am I doing enough?" but somehow I feel content.
Somehow I feel that the feeling of getting up and going out there is just simply because some people have said that "that's living!" and I'm like "you know what, if I don't do _____, I'm not living!"
Yet, somehow I feel at peace with my simplicity. The truth is that I believe, aside from culture, no matter where I go, people will be people. They will be friendly, they will be angry. They will feel just as anyone would in America.
The experience, I think, is what they mean by "living". It's experiencing things outside of your own world. And perhaps I will do this eventually, but right now my goals are elsewhere.
Some people might be like "how can you feel that you're living, simply by reading and learning?!"
Honestly I have no idea lol and I thought this was a bit odd until I realized that I've always been this way. The only difference was that I was in a different building, and that building was called "school" lol I recall always visiting my school's library in elementary, as well as in middle school, and ever so often in high school (in high school I was in choir and art, so those kept be busy). I remember spending so long tracing pictures of Loony Tune characters in my bedroom without even knowing I was teaching myself how to draw lol I've always had my face in a book and my mom use to call me a bookworm.
I think the true issue is that without a job, I'm just wasting time! And I get it. Can't really make a living doing nothing. But I think to myself, am I really doing nothing? I'm gaining knowledge. The problem is that I'm not getting paid to learn. If I could get paid to learn or to just read, I'm sure I'd be set.
The same goes for my art, for my webcomic, I'm not getting paid to do any of it. I just do!
So it's not like I'm not "doing" anything. I am. I'm always doing something, it's just I'm not gaining income from it. Which is why I've been reading books by financial advisers or things about passive income! I think, more than anything, it's all about putting into action what I've learned.
So that's where I am right now.
I just want to say that I'm usually always happy when others are happy. The only time I won't feel that shared happiness is when I'm either extremely worn out or I'm deep in thought. I share in people's happiness, and I also share in their pain mostly because it's hard to not feel for others. I hope my sister can gain a bit more happiness in ways that are healthy and helpful for her as well. I hope this is the case for everyone.
There's way too many people out their that may be pretending to be something that they truly aren't deep down inside. This to me is sad because it hurts them as well as the person they're causing the harm to. The true issue is when they get to the point where they stop listening to themselves so much that they don't feel anything at all.
The "world" is a very odd place to me recently. I find myself saying "If we would do this it would be easier! It's something so simple!"
So a good example. I remember reading about honne and tatemae in Japanese. I can't recall which is which, but one of those is when a person only reacts and speaks the way other's would want them to, and the other is when they respond and speak in the way they truly feel. Pretty much, it's similar to what a lot of us do. The thing is that Japanese society is usually about trying their best to keep the harmony. Yet, the more I read about their society and watched videos and hearing their views about their society I thought to myself "They should just be honest with themselves"
But such a request/statement would seem "impossible" because it would disrupt the structure, or it's too difficult. I get keeping the harmony, but there seems to be a con to it as well, and it's possibly the lack of being able to properly express their feelings.
Whereas, America is the opposite. People express themselves too much, even to the point of not caring if they hurt another person's feeling!
This is when I call in balance. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself. Mostly I like to always think to myself "how would I feel if someone did/said this to me?" and work from their.
Now the problem is when people go "Oh! I would be okay if someone did/say that to me!" when the person in question really wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
First and foremost, it helps to at least try to understand where someone is coming from, even if it's something you don't agree with. It also helps to not think of them as being "stupid" just because they aren't as educated as you are. We all learn at different levels.
This is why I think the world is interesting...I should say people are interesting. We make things so complicated due to our own inner worlds expressed to the outside world. When someone think they're ugly, what do they do? Express this to the world outside of themselves!
Look, I'm even doing it now! haha But it's with the intent of somehow helping someone or at least resonating with someone.
I don't think I'm a person who could write a manual and say "this is how things should go!" but I think if I sit with someone for a few hours and hear them speak, I'll walk away feeling as if I know them. I think people are much more willing to open up when other's are willing to listen. Most of what I write here I base on my experience. I think it's very kind of people to share with me personally things about themselves, because they don't have to at all. I may have thought on their actions, but at the end of the day I know they're on their own journey, as hard as they may be for me. Sometimes I'd love to just shake people, grab their hand and lead them, but the truth is that they'll never learn if I do that. To truly "get it" you have to understand it. You can't do that while being led blindly.
It's like being blindfolded and being fed the answers.
Well, that's all for now! Wishing you all the best on your journey. If you're interested why not just out some metaphysics blogs or articles. Aside from talking to a friend of mines about spirituality and asking her questions like crazy I'd recommend metaphysics as a topic of interest for me. I don't remember how I found out about this genre, but it helped me form some of my views.
Good night...or rather good morning lol It's 2 a.m. here
Mon
An interesting thing happened and it makes me wonder if maybe something will shift! I'm hoping so.
My older sister ended up sharing something with me that made her very happy haha Even after I wrote all of what I wrote in my previous blog. The moment she started telling me about a lady who just made her so happy, I instantly went back to our conversation.
That day she was working very long hours (10 hours! Which is absolutely ridiculous) and I remember expressing to my younger sister that I felt very bad/sad for my older sister. The time when I wrote the previous blog I was spending the weekend at her house to babysit my nephew and that Saturday she left at about 9 a.m. and didn't get home until about 10 p.m. :(
Anyway, this was the case again as she had dropped off my nephew that day. So back to the story. She tells me she has something to tell me and so I call her and she tells me that this elderly lady made her very happy, but it wasn't what the elderly lady DID, it was what my sister did for her and the fact that the lady acknowledged her work and appreciated her help. Instantly I was happy even though I didn't have much to say haha But of course it's often this way with me in real life.
I'm a feely kind of person, and so I can't quite put into words what I'm feeling. I find this is the case as well with my blogs. Yet my blogs are usually long because I'm writing the thoughts that come to my head and they're usually quite...extensive lol
My sister tells me that she wheels this lady to her room, which the lady was happy she did. Then my sister helped her get settled in AND helped fix her t.v.
Overall my sister said she was filled with such happiness. It made me realize how helping others somehow help us! This isn't much of an opinion, but I guess some people might think it is, but I don't think we were necessarily meant to be selfish. Perhaps I should say it's my "belief" but I feel that this has been preached so often by so many religious...person's of importance(?) or revolutionist, that it kind of seems a bit factual...or rather as a way of living that provides a state of well-being for everyone.
Although I believe being a bit "selfish" is okay, as we also have to look after our own well-being, the best kind of happiness is when we can truly give genuinely.
This is what I was hoping my sister could understand and experience. Witness that what she gave to this lady, other's have given her.
I think the issue is that sometimes we get so caught up in our worlds that we miss certain things. We simply can't see them. I don't know if I can blame them, because I think it's like playing a sport and getting very caught up in the game that you might get angry and frustrated that the other team scored when in reality it's simply a game.
I think of moments like these as human errors...or just being human. I think it might really be an ego thing, but I think blaming the ego is kind of harsh. I believe everything we have is at our disposal, we have for a reason. So the ego is something we have for a reason. The issue, I think, is having it take the wheel. And with that, I guess I should say that there has to be a bit of accountability, yet I also understand that some people just aren't sure how to deal with their situations. And so they deal with them the best way they can.
Aside from my sister, I find it easier to examine myself by looking at the outside world. See what others are doing, evaluate myself and see if I'm doing the same thing. Does that sound confusing? I'll explain. So if I see someone do something I consider dangerous, I will more than likely not even bat an eye at attempting it. Mostly, I don't structure my life around others, but I view them and I go "Oh! That seems interesting, I'll try incorporating that piece into my life!"
Honestly I think I'm either too lazy or too stubborn to want to be like everyone else lol There are days when I start to go "You know I wish..." and then just drop my hand down and go "well, yeah, nevermind" lol The fact that some people live that way is amazing to me.
I will say, as an update on my currently, I'm still job hunting. But I'm wondering if I'm really doing just that. The workforce seems soooooo depressing to me. I think I sound like a millennial, but I realized now why they say "work smart, not hard". A lot of people break their necks and are barely living. Just constantly working every single day and missing out on living.
Then it makes me wonder, what is living? Because I'm kind of a homebody...okay I really am. My day consist of me just reading and learning, then playing a video game for like an hour or so, then learning some more haha And I go "am I doing enough?" but somehow I feel content.
Somehow I feel that the feeling of getting up and going out there is just simply because some people have said that "that's living!" and I'm like "you know what, if I don't do _____, I'm not living!"
Yet, somehow I feel at peace with my simplicity. The truth is that I believe, aside from culture, no matter where I go, people will be people. They will be friendly, they will be angry. They will feel just as anyone would in America.
The experience, I think, is what they mean by "living". It's experiencing things outside of your own world. And perhaps I will do this eventually, but right now my goals are elsewhere.
Some people might be like "how can you feel that you're living, simply by reading and learning?!"
Honestly I have no idea lol and I thought this was a bit odd until I realized that I've always been this way. The only difference was that I was in a different building, and that building was called "school" lol I recall always visiting my school's library in elementary, as well as in middle school, and ever so often in high school (in high school I was in choir and art, so those kept be busy). I remember spending so long tracing pictures of Loony Tune characters in my bedroom without even knowing I was teaching myself how to draw lol I've always had my face in a book and my mom use to call me a bookworm.
I think the true issue is that without a job, I'm just wasting time! And I get it. Can't really make a living doing nothing. But I think to myself, am I really doing nothing? I'm gaining knowledge. The problem is that I'm not getting paid to learn. If I could get paid to learn or to just read, I'm sure I'd be set.
The same goes for my art, for my webcomic, I'm not getting paid to do any of it. I just do!
So it's not like I'm not "doing" anything. I am. I'm always doing something, it's just I'm not gaining income from it. Which is why I've been reading books by financial advisers or things about passive income! I think, more than anything, it's all about putting into action what I've learned.
So that's where I am right now.
I just want to say that I'm usually always happy when others are happy. The only time I won't feel that shared happiness is when I'm either extremely worn out or I'm deep in thought. I share in people's happiness, and I also share in their pain mostly because it's hard to not feel for others. I hope my sister can gain a bit more happiness in ways that are healthy and helpful for her as well. I hope this is the case for everyone.
There's way too many people out their that may be pretending to be something that they truly aren't deep down inside. This to me is sad because it hurts them as well as the person they're causing the harm to. The true issue is when they get to the point where they stop listening to themselves so much that they don't feel anything at all.
The "world" is a very odd place to me recently. I find myself saying "If we would do this it would be easier! It's something so simple!"
So a good example. I remember reading about honne and tatemae in Japanese. I can't recall which is which, but one of those is when a person only reacts and speaks the way other's would want them to, and the other is when they respond and speak in the way they truly feel. Pretty much, it's similar to what a lot of us do. The thing is that Japanese society is usually about trying their best to keep the harmony. Yet, the more I read about their society and watched videos and hearing their views about their society I thought to myself "They should just be honest with themselves"
But such a request/statement would seem "impossible" because it would disrupt the structure, or it's too difficult. I get keeping the harmony, but there seems to be a con to it as well, and it's possibly the lack of being able to properly express their feelings.
Whereas, America is the opposite. People express themselves too much, even to the point of not caring if they hurt another person's feeling!
This is when I call in balance. There's nothing wrong with expressing yourself. Mostly I like to always think to myself "how would I feel if someone did/said this to me?" and work from their.
Now the problem is when people go "Oh! I would be okay if someone did/say that to me!" when the person in question really wouldn't feel comfortable with it.
First and foremost, it helps to at least try to understand where someone is coming from, even if it's something you don't agree with. It also helps to not think of them as being "stupid" just because they aren't as educated as you are. We all learn at different levels.
This is why I think the world is interesting...I should say people are interesting. We make things so complicated due to our own inner worlds expressed to the outside world. When someone think they're ugly, what do they do? Express this to the world outside of themselves!
Look, I'm even doing it now! haha But it's with the intent of somehow helping someone or at least resonating with someone.
I don't think I'm a person who could write a manual and say "this is how things should go!" but I think if I sit with someone for a few hours and hear them speak, I'll walk away feeling as if I know them. I think people are much more willing to open up when other's are willing to listen. Most of what I write here I base on my experience. I think it's very kind of people to share with me personally things about themselves, because they don't have to at all. I may have thought on their actions, but at the end of the day I know they're on their own journey, as hard as they may be for me. Sometimes I'd love to just shake people, grab their hand and lead them, but the truth is that they'll never learn if I do that. To truly "get it" you have to understand it. You can't do that while being led blindly.
It's like being blindfolded and being fed the answers.
Well, that's all for now! Wishing you all the best on your journey. If you're interested why not just out some metaphysics blogs or articles. Aside from talking to a friend of mines about spirituality and asking her questions like crazy I'd recommend metaphysics as a topic of interest for me. I don't remember how I found out about this genre, but it helped me form some of my views.
Good night...or rather good morning lol It's 2 a.m. here
Mon
Sunday, October 6, 2019
Offering thoughts, opinions and suggestions. A service!?
Trying to sleep, but my mind got to ticking away. At first I was thinking that I'd do a 30 day challenge of not taking the world so seriously. Then it narrowed it down to not taking myself too serious. Then I narrowed it down some more to simply solving the problem from my last blog.
My inner dialogue is very clever lol It goes "Why not ask people if they're interested in your opinions, suggestions or advice?" then I started thinking about how it's like a service some people are interested in and some people aren't. Plus it'll give people the option and me on whether or not they wanted to vent or they truly are looking for some words of guidance.
Some people just aren't looking to hear someone else's opinion. I also got to thinking about how I have to separate my feelings from the conversation as I did when chatting with my sister. And I also admit that I may not have been listening...actively I mean, because I was actually feeling, and listening. Plus there was a lot of back-and-forth.
Generally I'd like to be the one to carry the conversation, but give the illusion that the other person is in control of it. Why? Well, I think if someone is a good conversationalist they are able to maneuver the conversation in a favorable way for both parties.
Also in order for me to not to waste my time, perhaps just asking before I start stating stuff help. Then I can just oh "Oh, okay" and leave lol Move on to something better. The whole bickering with no hopes of it ending sounds tempting, but perhaps the other person isn't interested.
Also breathing and just listening is something I'd like to do as well. I do this just fine with people outside of my family, but because I have a personal attachment to my family, it may be harder, but not impossible :)
So these are the things I'll continue to attempt. I'm certain it will work. I think I did something years ago, I told myself I would work at something and it worked...more than likely it has to do with why I think and feel the way I feel now xD Now I guess I'd like to work on my conversation skills.
Before I go, as strange as this sound, I keep thinking about how life and society are nothing but a game. Like a TellTale game.There's a lot of different options, but there is one favorable option to get a good ending with each character. I feel that if I can understand this, as strange as this sound, I can somehow use it to my advantage. Mostly because some people are just unaware. It's like a magician that is able to deceive the observer.
With that, I'm off to not take things too seriously, and to also practice these tips! Now hopefully I can sleep, now that I've typed this.
Mon
My inner dialogue is very clever lol It goes "Why not ask people if they're interested in your opinions, suggestions or advice?" then I started thinking about how it's like a service some people are interested in and some people aren't. Plus it'll give people the option and me on whether or not they wanted to vent or they truly are looking for some words of guidance.
Some people just aren't looking to hear someone else's opinion. I also got to thinking about how I have to separate my feelings from the conversation as I did when chatting with my sister. And I also admit that I may not have been listening...actively I mean, because I was actually feeling, and listening. Plus there was a lot of back-and-forth.
Generally I'd like to be the one to carry the conversation, but give the illusion that the other person is in control of it. Why? Well, I think if someone is a good conversationalist they are able to maneuver the conversation in a favorable way for both parties.
Also in order for me to not to waste my time, perhaps just asking before I start stating stuff help. Then I can just oh "Oh, okay" and leave lol Move on to something better. The whole bickering with no hopes of it ending sounds tempting, but perhaps the other person isn't interested.
Also breathing and just listening is something I'd like to do as well. I do this just fine with people outside of my family, but because I have a personal attachment to my family, it may be harder, but not impossible :)
So these are the things I'll continue to attempt. I'm certain it will work. I think I did something years ago, I told myself I would work at something and it worked...more than likely it has to do with why I think and feel the way I feel now xD Now I guess I'd like to work on my conversation skills.
Before I go, as strange as this sound, I keep thinking about how life and society are nothing but a game. Like a TellTale game.There's a lot of different options, but there is one favorable option to get a good ending with each character. I feel that if I can understand this, as strange as this sound, I can somehow use it to my advantage. Mostly because some people are just unaware. It's like a magician that is able to deceive the observer.
With that, I'm off to not take things too seriously, and to also practice these tips! Now hopefully I can sleep, now that I've typed this.
Mon
Can't change the unchangeable!
Just had an interesting little hour and a half spat/debate with my older sister that I'd like to share.
So my older sister comes across has very negative to me, and honestly it's a little sad because she complains about how things are so difficult for her and overwhelming and how she can't find anyone to help her out.
Towards the end of our back and forth, she goes "So I want you do what I do and I'll do what you do" and I'm say "Okay, what's that?" and she goes "You call our grandma everyday and I'll copy you"
So as far as phone calls go or dealing with other people I don't do it often lol I'm an introverted extrovert. It's not that I hate talking to people, but I only talk if I need to talk. If I have nothing to say I don't see there being a point. So I decided to call my grandma at least once a week and my grandma calls to talk to myself everyday.
Now that you get the backstory lol So I say "hang on. Wait. What are you copying from me?" and she says "Only calling her once a week" and I tell her "No no. No. You don't even have to call her at all. For one week, I'll call her everyday and I want you to start thinking positively."
And she just instantly shot it down xD haha She goes "Well how would you even know?" And I told her "I want you to call me, and only tell me the good things that happened to you"
Then she proceeded to turn it on me and say "You don't even listen! I can call you and tell you positive things about my son (my nephew) and you don't even take that into consideration because you'll be playing a game or working on something"
And I tell her "Okay. So I'll turn it off. You have my word, for an entire week, if you call I will stop everything and listen"
And she just goes "Nope. Negative. Not doing it"
And when I asked her why she just kept saying no. Hahaha Honestly I was a little irked because of how childish she was behaving, but moreso annoyed by the fact that she won't even try.
In all honesty, I know I can't make people behave the way I want them to, but for the greater good of yourself, you guys (anyone in a negative rut) deserve to at least be able to have a decent outlook on life. I think if she stops thinking about the things she doesn't have and focus on the things she does have, it would help her.
Then again, I guess I wasn't really trying to change here, but as an experiment have her see it for herself.
And the funny thing is that she'd believe a personality test she took for class, over actual experience. Saying she's "impulsive" just because the test told her she is. The truth is that you don't have to be impulsive. It may have been something you've done without thinking in the past, but now that it's something you're aware of, you can work to change it, or even be less impulsive for your own good.
I get very interesting impressions from my family. I don't hate them, if I'm being completely honest. I actually feel quite sad sometimes. They do some things that leave me scratching my head. But I guess they aren't me, and I make them see what I see. But I can help them experience if they want to try.
I would really just like my older sister to speak more positive energy into her life and stop complaining about what she doesn't have. Focusing more on what she does have.
But I guess because it worked for me, and it still does (I even give thanks for finding a penny on the ground lol or if things just happen to go right).
If I'm somehow wrong about the universe and how things work, it would seem like a waste of time.
Hm....I wonder if this makes me less tactful. I know I was just sort of criticizing her for believing a sheet of paper lol but my birth chart stated that I should try to be more tactful. I do believe I have strong views and sometimes I try to convert people, but I do it with the intention of helping them.
I remember, years ago, being in a such a dark place. I wonder if I had someone like the person I am now, sit and tell me what I'm willing to share with those in pain or in a similar situation "just try tot think of the things that make you happy" as a way to pull me out of the dark, would it have helped?
My inner intention is to help. To help others love others.
It's a strange contradictions because I also will think "Well, you live your life however you please" and just want so badly not to care because I'm just one person.
Buuuut, the problem is that that doesn't mean it will never help.
I see the corrupt. I see the flaws. I hate them, but I understand that they're what make us human. I also think that they're the true obstacles in our lives.
Most people will say "But the outer stuff makes my life difficult" and me being all Buddist and monk-like will say "But it's up to you on how you will view those difficulties"
I've read that we learn the fastest through pain. I hate that! But it seems to be very true for some reason. A classic example, there is an RnB singer (whose name I won't write, but I'm sure some of you may know immediately based on what I'm about to say) who has alleged has relations with a lot of under aged girls. Although I had a bunch of thoughts about the situation, something that really kept striking me were the amount of people who possibly fell victim to the exact same thing. You can say "Well, maybe they didn't know" but a few of them said "I read about the allegations, but I didn't think they were true" and plus there was plenty of information for them to do some research, but still, countless victims.
Then they would cry and to be honest, I kind of rolled my eyes. To extent I felt for them, but at the same time I was like "warning flag! warning flag!"
But apparently it seems that the situations they were in were more psychological, and this is exactly why they were "targeted" even though they made the conscious decision to pursue this person as well. But of well.
What I'm getting at is, how many more people will fall victim to this, until others finally get the hint? It's seeing multiple people walking to a lit stove, placing their hand over fire, exclaiming that it's hot, and you still thinking "I want to put my hand over that fire just to see if it's hot or not"
I get it though. No one wants to be told what to do. How to live. How to think. Etc. But in this situation I will willing (and I was very serious about stopping everything to listen to her) to do what you asked, if she was willing to do what I asked. It seemed more like an experiment to me. But...nope :) She just wasn't having it. Oh well. At least I tried.
I just really can't stand negative people. I get venting sometimes. Sometimes we just want to say things to get it off our chest, and I will listen to this. But if it's consistent, it's like "Well, what do you want from me?" because the person is always complaining about the same thing. So I purpose some ideas and they just don't care to hear it.
It's very similar to me. My younger sister will pose ideas for me in regards to finding work in the arts and it will seem as if I put down everything she says, and to an extent this is true, and it's not done with me being unaware that I'm consciously making this choice.
I tell her that I need to update my website first, that there are skills I need to learn first in order to be qualified for the kind of work I'd like to get into. I know exactly what I have to do and have been working at this almost everyday since I quit my job. She's seeing it, slowly but surely, in my work, that I'm grasping the concepts.
Once I feel confident, as I've told her, that I can walk into an office and say with certainty that I can do this and that, I will apply with no looking back.
But what I'm getting at isn't about "not listening" it's about how I view other people. Yes, there are things that irk me. I get irritated rather quickly by people who are negative or speak badly about people because then I speak about how badly they were speaking badly about someone else and question who are they to speak badly about anyone.
Also, if I see that someone is trying, no matter how annoying they may seem to me, I acknowledge their work. I know some people may find this strange, it's like "Hey, how can you dislike this person, but still say something nice about them?"
Well, first of all, I don't make enemies. If someone makes me their enemy, it's a declaration on their part and I'll just leave them alone. But I don't hold grudges. If someone is willing to make amends with me, I'll shake their hand and give them a hug.
I will ignore. Stop talking to someone for a while. Or just flat out tell them what bothered me. But if they're willing to call it truce, so will I...until the next debate lol
Well, I guess what I should say about this situation is that it was worth a shot. It would be nice if she would at least consider doing this for her own sake. I think that, no matter the religion, it just helps to think about one good thing that happened that day. I will admit that my sister said that getting some doughnuts made her happy and I kind of wrote it off and asked her if anyone did anything that made her happy within the past month lol but I think it was more because I would like to to think about the kindness the universe sends her way that she is either unaware of, or disregards as being anything.
What really pushed my buttons was how it seems she thinks about our grandma in a negative way. She assumed I wanted her to do more in regards to our grandma and I told her I didn't want her to do anything at all, besides be grateful for the things she did for her in the past. When my mom kicked my sister out she stayed with my grandma. But my sister says "But I was staying in my friend's basement" and I told her "well, didn't grandma let you stay with her?"
It's like, if someone did something kind for you, why talk so badly about them? I mean, talk about what they did to irritate you, but don't act like they haven't done anything for you. It's something she does a lot. The issue is that she wants people to help her the way she wants them to help her. But that's not always how it's gonna work. Sometimes, just having someone listen to you after a bad day is a blessing. Or someone paying for your gas after you stepped in line to pay, only to find you lost your wallet, is a blessing.
I think more than anything, I think about the vastness of the universe and realize how minuscule our problems are. That's not to say they don't matter, but sometimes I just sit back and go "this is a really stupid thing to worry about!"
So in my case, I've been jobless for a few months now and I was frustrated. But then I looked at my mom and younger sister and I said to myself that I could be like them, spending hours and hours working, only to come home, be extremely sleepy, go to sleep, and then wake up and repeat this. I WAS them for a few months. And while I was working I was wondering "am I breaking out in hives because I need to just stop?" and now that things have slowed down, I want them to speed up again? I realized this and I thought "Wow, just savor it!"
My family shouts "You need to do this!" but the universe is like "It doesn't matter what they say, you NEED this"
And so, I feel a sense of balance and appreciation for my situation. Because my career field can be hectic with constant deadlines. I got a job quickly because my mom rushed me into it, even knowing I was having a very bad allergic reaction, I just prayed it wouldn't happen while I worked, but sure enough it did.
I realized that I should just listen. I'm always getting the instantly reaction to just give advice or suggestions. Maybe like myself, it's not my sister's time. But has I've stated before, I hate seeing suffering. It makes me very sad. But, also just like me, there's the possibility that they'll make it through. I guess I should just be there (or rather here), waiting for them to accomplish what they have to within their own time.
Then the question I have to wonder is who do I share any of my thoughts with? Ironically, it's interesting how I named this blog "A few thoughts" and I'm asking this question. But who? Am I meant to help anyone? Would anyone even care to listen? Or at least try, not or me, but for themselves?
Regardless, I'm sure I'm not gonna stop just impulsively spouting my thoughts. I'm like Socrates lol It just happens. Honestly I don't think Socrates was trying to be a pest. I think he just had questions and he wanted to see if anyone had proper answers. I think if he questioned me, I would be just debate with him all day lol I don't even care what about, just about anything.
This blog is getting weird. I just shared this to share my thoughts on a situation.
Hm....My lesson is that I can talk to anyone, share anything, and it won't have to mean anything, so what's the point? lol No I'm joking. I know that I can say things that can cause a ripple effect. I just plant the seed, and the person with the watering pot can decide if they want to water it or leave it. :)
My sister is stubborn, but so am I. I see myself, sometimes, in her lol And I've even told my younger sister "So this is what you deal with when it comes to me" xD
Life and conversation are very interesting!
Mon
So my older sister comes across has very negative to me, and honestly it's a little sad because she complains about how things are so difficult for her and overwhelming and how she can't find anyone to help her out.
Towards the end of our back and forth, she goes "So I want you do what I do and I'll do what you do" and I'm say "Okay, what's that?" and she goes "You call our grandma everyday and I'll copy you"
So as far as phone calls go or dealing with other people I don't do it often lol I'm an introverted extrovert. It's not that I hate talking to people, but I only talk if I need to talk. If I have nothing to say I don't see there being a point. So I decided to call my grandma at least once a week and my grandma calls to talk to myself everyday.
Now that you get the backstory lol So I say "hang on. Wait. What are you copying from me?" and she says "Only calling her once a week" and I tell her "No no. No. You don't even have to call her at all. For one week, I'll call her everyday and I want you to start thinking positively."
And she just instantly shot it down xD haha She goes "Well how would you even know?" And I told her "I want you to call me, and only tell me the good things that happened to you"
Then she proceeded to turn it on me and say "You don't even listen! I can call you and tell you positive things about my son (my nephew) and you don't even take that into consideration because you'll be playing a game or working on something"
And I tell her "Okay. So I'll turn it off. You have my word, for an entire week, if you call I will stop everything and listen"
And she just goes "Nope. Negative. Not doing it"
And when I asked her why she just kept saying no. Hahaha Honestly I was a little irked because of how childish she was behaving, but moreso annoyed by the fact that she won't even try.
In all honesty, I know I can't make people behave the way I want them to, but for the greater good of yourself, you guys (anyone in a negative rut) deserve to at least be able to have a decent outlook on life. I think if she stops thinking about the things she doesn't have and focus on the things she does have, it would help her.
Then again, I guess I wasn't really trying to change here, but as an experiment have her see it for herself.
And the funny thing is that she'd believe a personality test she took for class, over actual experience. Saying she's "impulsive" just because the test told her she is. The truth is that you don't have to be impulsive. It may have been something you've done without thinking in the past, but now that it's something you're aware of, you can work to change it, or even be less impulsive for your own good.
I get very interesting impressions from my family. I don't hate them, if I'm being completely honest. I actually feel quite sad sometimes. They do some things that leave me scratching my head. But I guess they aren't me, and I make them see what I see. But I can help them experience if they want to try.
I would really just like my older sister to speak more positive energy into her life and stop complaining about what she doesn't have. Focusing more on what she does have.
But I guess because it worked for me, and it still does (I even give thanks for finding a penny on the ground lol or if things just happen to go right).
If I'm somehow wrong about the universe and how things work, it would seem like a waste of time.
Hm....I wonder if this makes me less tactful. I know I was just sort of criticizing her for believing a sheet of paper lol but my birth chart stated that I should try to be more tactful. I do believe I have strong views and sometimes I try to convert people, but I do it with the intention of helping them.
I remember, years ago, being in a such a dark place. I wonder if I had someone like the person I am now, sit and tell me what I'm willing to share with those in pain or in a similar situation "just try tot think of the things that make you happy" as a way to pull me out of the dark, would it have helped?
My inner intention is to help. To help others love others.
It's a strange contradictions because I also will think "Well, you live your life however you please" and just want so badly not to care because I'm just one person.
Buuuut, the problem is that that doesn't mean it will never help.
I see the corrupt. I see the flaws. I hate them, but I understand that they're what make us human. I also think that they're the true obstacles in our lives.
Most people will say "But the outer stuff makes my life difficult" and me being all Buddist and monk-like will say "But it's up to you on how you will view those difficulties"
I've read that we learn the fastest through pain. I hate that! But it seems to be very true for some reason. A classic example, there is an RnB singer (whose name I won't write, but I'm sure some of you may know immediately based on what I'm about to say) who has alleged has relations with a lot of under aged girls. Although I had a bunch of thoughts about the situation, something that really kept striking me were the amount of people who possibly fell victim to the exact same thing. You can say "Well, maybe they didn't know" but a few of them said "I read about the allegations, but I didn't think they were true" and plus there was plenty of information for them to do some research, but still, countless victims.
Then they would cry and to be honest, I kind of rolled my eyes. To extent I felt for them, but at the same time I was like "warning flag! warning flag!"
But apparently it seems that the situations they were in were more psychological, and this is exactly why they were "targeted" even though they made the conscious decision to pursue this person as well. But of well.
What I'm getting at is, how many more people will fall victim to this, until others finally get the hint? It's seeing multiple people walking to a lit stove, placing their hand over fire, exclaiming that it's hot, and you still thinking "I want to put my hand over that fire just to see if it's hot or not"
I get it though. No one wants to be told what to do. How to live. How to think. Etc. But in this situation I will willing (and I was very serious about stopping everything to listen to her) to do what you asked, if she was willing to do what I asked. It seemed more like an experiment to me. But...nope :) She just wasn't having it. Oh well. At least I tried.
I just really can't stand negative people. I get venting sometimes. Sometimes we just want to say things to get it off our chest, and I will listen to this. But if it's consistent, it's like "Well, what do you want from me?" because the person is always complaining about the same thing. So I purpose some ideas and they just don't care to hear it.
It's very similar to me. My younger sister will pose ideas for me in regards to finding work in the arts and it will seem as if I put down everything she says, and to an extent this is true, and it's not done with me being unaware that I'm consciously making this choice.
I tell her that I need to update my website first, that there are skills I need to learn first in order to be qualified for the kind of work I'd like to get into. I know exactly what I have to do and have been working at this almost everyday since I quit my job. She's seeing it, slowly but surely, in my work, that I'm grasping the concepts.
Once I feel confident, as I've told her, that I can walk into an office and say with certainty that I can do this and that, I will apply with no looking back.
But what I'm getting at isn't about "not listening" it's about how I view other people. Yes, there are things that irk me. I get irritated rather quickly by people who are negative or speak badly about people because then I speak about how badly they were speaking badly about someone else and question who are they to speak badly about anyone.
Also, if I see that someone is trying, no matter how annoying they may seem to me, I acknowledge their work. I know some people may find this strange, it's like "Hey, how can you dislike this person, but still say something nice about them?"
Well, first of all, I don't make enemies. If someone makes me their enemy, it's a declaration on their part and I'll just leave them alone. But I don't hold grudges. If someone is willing to make amends with me, I'll shake their hand and give them a hug.
I will ignore. Stop talking to someone for a while. Or just flat out tell them what bothered me. But if they're willing to call it truce, so will I...until the next debate lol
Well, I guess what I should say about this situation is that it was worth a shot. It would be nice if she would at least consider doing this for her own sake. I think that, no matter the religion, it just helps to think about one good thing that happened that day. I will admit that my sister said that getting some doughnuts made her happy and I kind of wrote it off and asked her if anyone did anything that made her happy within the past month lol but I think it was more because I would like to to think about the kindness the universe sends her way that she is either unaware of, or disregards as being anything.
What really pushed my buttons was how it seems she thinks about our grandma in a negative way. She assumed I wanted her to do more in regards to our grandma and I told her I didn't want her to do anything at all, besides be grateful for the things she did for her in the past. When my mom kicked my sister out she stayed with my grandma. But my sister says "But I was staying in my friend's basement" and I told her "well, didn't grandma let you stay with her?"
It's like, if someone did something kind for you, why talk so badly about them? I mean, talk about what they did to irritate you, but don't act like they haven't done anything for you. It's something she does a lot. The issue is that she wants people to help her the way she wants them to help her. But that's not always how it's gonna work. Sometimes, just having someone listen to you after a bad day is a blessing. Or someone paying for your gas after you stepped in line to pay, only to find you lost your wallet, is a blessing.
I think more than anything, I think about the vastness of the universe and realize how minuscule our problems are. That's not to say they don't matter, but sometimes I just sit back and go "this is a really stupid thing to worry about!"
So in my case, I've been jobless for a few months now and I was frustrated. But then I looked at my mom and younger sister and I said to myself that I could be like them, spending hours and hours working, only to come home, be extremely sleepy, go to sleep, and then wake up and repeat this. I WAS them for a few months. And while I was working I was wondering "am I breaking out in hives because I need to just stop?" and now that things have slowed down, I want them to speed up again? I realized this and I thought "Wow, just savor it!"
My family shouts "You need to do this!" but the universe is like "It doesn't matter what they say, you NEED this"
And so, I feel a sense of balance and appreciation for my situation. Because my career field can be hectic with constant deadlines. I got a job quickly because my mom rushed me into it, even knowing I was having a very bad allergic reaction, I just prayed it wouldn't happen while I worked, but sure enough it did.
I realized that I should just listen. I'm always getting the instantly reaction to just give advice or suggestions. Maybe like myself, it's not my sister's time. But has I've stated before, I hate seeing suffering. It makes me very sad. But, also just like me, there's the possibility that they'll make it through. I guess I should just be there (or rather here), waiting for them to accomplish what they have to within their own time.
Then the question I have to wonder is who do I share any of my thoughts with? Ironically, it's interesting how I named this blog "A few thoughts" and I'm asking this question. But who? Am I meant to help anyone? Would anyone even care to listen? Or at least try, not or me, but for themselves?
Regardless, I'm sure I'm not gonna stop just impulsively spouting my thoughts. I'm like Socrates lol It just happens. Honestly I don't think Socrates was trying to be a pest. I think he just had questions and he wanted to see if anyone had proper answers. I think if he questioned me, I would be just debate with him all day lol I don't even care what about, just about anything.
This blog is getting weird. I just shared this to share my thoughts on a situation.
Hm....My lesson is that I can talk to anyone, share anything, and it won't have to mean anything, so what's the point? lol No I'm joking. I know that I can say things that can cause a ripple effect. I just plant the seed, and the person with the watering pot can decide if they want to water it or leave it. :)
My sister is stubborn, but so am I. I see myself, sometimes, in her lol And I've even told my younger sister "So this is what you deal with when it comes to me" xD
Life and conversation are very interesting!
Mon
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Lanuage
Language is defined as a system of communication used by a particular country or community
As well as the method of human communication, either spoken or written, consisting of the use of words in a structured and conventional way
I copied and paste the definition I found online. That's why the first line looks the way it does.
So today I'd like to write my thoughts on language...well, more so on something I observed in regards to communication.I came across a video that was titled "Deaf people hear for the first time"
What happened in the video isn't what interested me, but what people in the comment section said about the video. I wonder if it surprised them as much as it did me...okay well it first it didn't surprise me, but I sat on it for a while just now and I got to thinking.
I should specify that there was a particular portion in the comment section that I read. Some people were having conversations about how they thought it may have been abrupt for child in the video to suddenly hear so much noise, because in the video the mother and the lady who was controlling the ear piece were constantly calling his name.
Some of the other comments were about how the boy probably didn't understand a word they were saying because he never heard "speech" before. People who are deaf (some) will resort to using sign language right? To me, this is similar to any other language in the word.
Now, I'll tell you why this is interesting. The people had no qualms over this being bizarre and they actually agreed. I agreed as well. Now, when it comes to our domestic house pets, some people will swear their pets can understand them and they talk to them.
Some people believe that they listen to the inflections in our speech to gauge or determine what we're saying. I have two dogs and two cats, and I can call a pet from another room and that pet will come running. So I believe they understand certain words.
As far as them communicating to me or communicating back, well one of our dogs as a much harder time than the other. Sometimes I don't quite understand what they're trying to tell me. So for example, I'll ask them the obvious "Outside?" or "Water?" or "Food?" and depending on whether they respond to a word, I"ll understand what they're trying to tell me. So if I say "Outside" they run to the back door. If I say "Water" they go to their bowl or they'll twirl around.
What I'm getting at is that we somehow find a way to communicate. Yet, I believe we base it on what we can see.
But this isn't the interesting part. That was only half. The other half is what if we, or some of us, have not been able to hear anything?
I'll explain. So I'll take sight. Because we've been bombarded with consistent stimuli for so long, it's natural that our minds will only focus on what's important. For example, we don't have to think about breathing (or some of us) or our heart beating. These things are done without us having to think about them.
So due to blocking out certain things, perhaps we aren't fully aware everything. So imagine walking through a tunnel and seeing only light at the end. Now imagine if the walls were see through, but due to us blocking out everything, we're not focused on it.
Where am I going with this? So for me, I'm a spiritual person...sometimes. Sometimes I'm a normal person lol But I'm a spiritual person, and I believe in the possibilities of...well a lot of things. Due to this, it can be overwhelming. Now, because I'm a person who is open to the possibilities I still come across as having "strong views", and this is perhaps due to my ego *shrugs*.
Anyways, I'm saying this because although I can't see spirits or communicate with them, I do believe in the possibility of spirits.
The only reason I'm saying this all is because I'm posing the question to you, as well as myself, on what if the spirits are here among us, within a different plane of existence, but their form of communication is different? Though I pose this question, I've read a bit about how spirits communicate. I thought to myself "Why the symbolism? Why not just tell me what you want?" because some of them were once humans. And as I was showering I realized that it's because they don't posses the "physical" means to do so. They don't have a mouth or vocal cords like we do.
This is why I mentioned my dogs. Dogs communicate differently. The only reason we even have any sort of information about the way dogs communicate is due to people observing the animals.
The difference with spirits is that they are "invisible", but this is only because we don't know how to see them. This is why I mentioned the conversation is the comment section being so interesting. Without realizing it, these people were having a conversation about language and communication.
And if I'm honest, I don't think we've even scratched the surface on properly communicating with each other (especially through speech).
So although I can't "see" spirits, nor can I "hear" them, I think it has more to do with me just not knowing how to go about it, rather than it not being something that is possible. I also think, as spiritual beings, we all have the ability. We just don't remember.
I remember wondering why we would choose to have "amnesia" when we come into a lifetime, and my theory (and this is based on some things I've read as well) is that we either 1. we can truly test ourselves in this life without remembering 2. to not distract us from our currently lesson or 3. It's just not important (or past lives)...at the moment anyways
I have found it interesting that some people can be affected by things that happened in their past lives. For example, I once read a case of a client who was placed under hypnosis and did a past life regression where we stated that she put on a lot of weight in her current life due to a lifetime where she starved to death (I believe is how it happened). It was either she starved or there wasn't enough food for everyone in her group. So when she saw food, she felt the need to eat enough because she felt there wouldn't be much left over, or that it may be her last meal.
Now, to test whether or not I can see spirit is something I think requires a lot of discipline and focus, and I don't have that at moment lol But I do believe I can "feel" things. Me and my younger sister use to spend so much time with each other that we use to say the same thing at the exact same time and then start laughing (telepathy). I also remember being at a mall with my family and, I don't recall why we were doing this, but we were talking to a guy who worked for this store and he jokingly asked us to guess his age. Everyone was throwing their thoughts out and my first guess was his age.
A lot of people would say "Well, that's just a coincidence!" and maybe I would agree with them to extent. However, during my last few quarter at my college was full of "coincidence", so many in fact that I felt that it was very strange how things played out lol
Apparently coincidences are a casual amount of events with no apparent connection, but I don't believe this was the case with me. From leaving one college, at the exact time I did, to finish certain classes when I did, to just barely missing the closing of my school by one quarter, this is an interesting string of coincidences haha Now, I'll say this, had I not run out of funds to continue taking my Gen Ed. classes (and trust me, I wanted to stay a bit longer!) when I did, and this was years before the news about the school closing became any sort of "thing", I would not have graduated. I wanted to do certain things, but had I, I would have been months late and found out my school closed, I wouldn't have a diploma and I wouldn't have met the people that I know now.
To me, coincidences are a strange phenomena.
Back to language.
So imagine for a second that you are blind and that you've never seen anything ever. To you, your world is dark. Now you can't see, but you can hear on the side of you, someone tells you what they see. You can't imagine this because you've never seen it before. It doesn't exist in your eyes. And it's nearly impossible for the person to describe something to you that you've never seen. Pretty much, Plato's The Allegory of the Cave.
This is probably what it's like for a person who can see spirits, try to describe it to people who "can't see".
But, I get it. Because there are some "fake" seers out there. Some people may say that we should use our discretion, and I agree. But the best way to not have to deal with that is to learn to do it yourself.
It's interesting because people who just weren't believers or this who have had NDE or OBE have suddenly changed their minds about being against it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think skeptics exist for a reason. If we blindly went along with everything, we would never have any advancements in technology or our thinking.
I do believe we should be respectful of one another. Something I can't stand seeing are people calling each others names lol Honestly, what exist within your reality may not be what exist in someone else's.
For example, a few days I was walking home from the bank and the schools nearby was letting out. I watched as a bunch of kids exited their school. Can you imagine if they started telling me about their day and I say "No it didn't. None of that happened" to them lol They would probably say "How are you going to tell me? You weren't even there!"
Anyway, that's all of my thoughts for now. If anything else comes up, I'll try and type it here. I've been feeling very drained, so I'm trying to give myself time to recharge.
Good night!
Mon
As well as the method of human communication, either spoken or written, consisting of the use of words in a structured and conventional way
I copied and paste the definition I found online. That's why the first line looks the way it does.
So today I'd like to write my thoughts on language...well, more so on something I observed in regards to communication.I came across a video that was titled "Deaf people hear for the first time"
What happened in the video isn't what interested me, but what people in the comment section said about the video. I wonder if it surprised them as much as it did me...okay well it first it didn't surprise me, but I sat on it for a while just now and I got to thinking.
I should specify that there was a particular portion in the comment section that I read. Some people were having conversations about how they thought it may have been abrupt for child in the video to suddenly hear so much noise, because in the video the mother and the lady who was controlling the ear piece were constantly calling his name.
Some of the other comments were about how the boy probably didn't understand a word they were saying because he never heard "speech" before. People who are deaf (some) will resort to using sign language right? To me, this is similar to any other language in the word.
Now, I'll tell you why this is interesting. The people had no qualms over this being bizarre and they actually agreed. I agreed as well. Now, when it comes to our domestic house pets, some people will swear their pets can understand them and they talk to them.
Some people believe that they listen to the inflections in our speech to gauge or determine what we're saying. I have two dogs and two cats, and I can call a pet from another room and that pet will come running. So I believe they understand certain words.
As far as them communicating to me or communicating back, well one of our dogs as a much harder time than the other. Sometimes I don't quite understand what they're trying to tell me. So for example, I'll ask them the obvious "Outside?" or "Water?" or "Food?" and depending on whether they respond to a word, I"ll understand what they're trying to tell me. So if I say "Outside" they run to the back door. If I say "Water" they go to their bowl or they'll twirl around.
What I'm getting at is that we somehow find a way to communicate. Yet, I believe we base it on what we can see.
But this isn't the interesting part. That was only half. The other half is what if we, or some of us, have not been able to hear anything?
I'll explain. So I'll take sight. Because we've been bombarded with consistent stimuli for so long, it's natural that our minds will only focus on what's important. For example, we don't have to think about breathing (or some of us) or our heart beating. These things are done without us having to think about them.
So due to blocking out certain things, perhaps we aren't fully aware everything. So imagine walking through a tunnel and seeing only light at the end. Now imagine if the walls were see through, but due to us blocking out everything, we're not focused on it.
Where am I going with this? So for me, I'm a spiritual person...sometimes. Sometimes I'm a normal person lol But I'm a spiritual person, and I believe in the possibilities of...well a lot of things. Due to this, it can be overwhelming. Now, because I'm a person who is open to the possibilities I still come across as having "strong views", and this is perhaps due to my ego *shrugs*.
Anyways, I'm saying this because although I can't see spirits or communicate with them, I do believe in the possibility of spirits.
The only reason I'm saying this all is because I'm posing the question to you, as well as myself, on what if the spirits are here among us, within a different plane of existence, but their form of communication is different? Though I pose this question, I've read a bit about how spirits communicate. I thought to myself "Why the symbolism? Why not just tell me what you want?" because some of them were once humans. And as I was showering I realized that it's because they don't posses the "physical" means to do so. They don't have a mouth or vocal cords like we do.
This is why I mentioned my dogs. Dogs communicate differently. The only reason we even have any sort of information about the way dogs communicate is due to people observing the animals.
The difference with spirits is that they are "invisible", but this is only because we don't know how to see them. This is why I mentioned the conversation is the comment section being so interesting. Without realizing it, these people were having a conversation about language and communication.
And if I'm honest, I don't think we've even scratched the surface on properly communicating with each other (especially through speech).
So although I can't "see" spirits, nor can I "hear" them, I think it has more to do with me just not knowing how to go about it, rather than it not being something that is possible. I also think, as spiritual beings, we all have the ability. We just don't remember.
I remember wondering why we would choose to have "amnesia" when we come into a lifetime, and my theory (and this is based on some things I've read as well) is that we either 1. we can truly test ourselves in this life without remembering 2. to not distract us from our currently lesson or 3. It's just not important (or past lives)...at the moment anyways
I have found it interesting that some people can be affected by things that happened in their past lives. For example, I once read a case of a client who was placed under hypnosis and did a past life regression where we stated that she put on a lot of weight in her current life due to a lifetime where she starved to death (I believe is how it happened). It was either she starved or there wasn't enough food for everyone in her group. So when she saw food, she felt the need to eat enough because she felt there wouldn't be much left over, or that it may be her last meal.
Now, to test whether or not I can see spirit is something I think requires a lot of discipline and focus, and I don't have that at moment lol But I do believe I can "feel" things. Me and my younger sister use to spend so much time with each other that we use to say the same thing at the exact same time and then start laughing (telepathy). I also remember being at a mall with my family and, I don't recall why we were doing this, but we were talking to a guy who worked for this store and he jokingly asked us to guess his age. Everyone was throwing their thoughts out and my first guess was his age.
A lot of people would say "Well, that's just a coincidence!" and maybe I would agree with them to extent. However, during my last few quarter at my college was full of "coincidence", so many in fact that I felt that it was very strange how things played out lol
Apparently coincidences are a casual amount of events with no apparent connection, but I don't believe this was the case with me. From leaving one college, at the exact time I did, to finish certain classes when I did, to just barely missing the closing of my school by one quarter, this is an interesting string of coincidences haha Now, I'll say this, had I not run out of funds to continue taking my Gen Ed. classes (and trust me, I wanted to stay a bit longer!) when I did, and this was years before the news about the school closing became any sort of "thing", I would not have graduated. I wanted to do certain things, but had I, I would have been months late and found out my school closed, I wouldn't have a diploma and I wouldn't have met the people that I know now.
To me, coincidences are a strange phenomena.
Back to language.
So imagine for a second that you are blind and that you've never seen anything ever. To you, your world is dark. Now you can't see, but you can hear on the side of you, someone tells you what they see. You can't imagine this because you've never seen it before. It doesn't exist in your eyes. And it's nearly impossible for the person to describe something to you that you've never seen. Pretty much, Plato's The Allegory of the Cave.
This is probably what it's like for a person who can see spirits, try to describe it to people who "can't see".
But, I get it. Because there are some "fake" seers out there. Some people may say that we should use our discretion, and I agree. But the best way to not have to deal with that is to learn to do it yourself.
It's interesting because people who just weren't believers or this who have had NDE or OBE have suddenly changed their minds about being against it.
Now, don't get me wrong, I think skeptics exist for a reason. If we blindly went along with everything, we would never have any advancements in technology or our thinking.
I do believe we should be respectful of one another. Something I can't stand seeing are people calling each others names lol Honestly, what exist within your reality may not be what exist in someone else's.
For example, a few days I was walking home from the bank and the schools nearby was letting out. I watched as a bunch of kids exited their school. Can you imagine if they started telling me about their day and I say "No it didn't. None of that happened" to them lol They would probably say "How are you going to tell me? You weren't even there!"
Anyway, that's all of my thoughts for now. If anything else comes up, I'll try and type it here. I've been feeling very drained, so I'm trying to give myself time to recharge.
Good night!
Mon
Tuesday, September 10, 2019
Update: Webcomic. Art Station. Honing the craft!
Hiiiii!!
I don't type here very often. Actually I'm indoors a lot more to be honest. That might scare people, but honestly I can't think of very many places I'd like to go at the moment. That's not to I haven't done anything at all this year. I have!
In June I went to Wisconsin Dells with my sister for about four days where we stayed at the Kalahari Resort! It was a lot of fun.
A photo of the hotel room.
Back to the topic. So we went there near the end of June for your younger sister's birthday, but we were out every single day. I was dead exhausted by the very last day and decided to stay in the hotel room the last evening we were there! We went to an indoor water park which was great! :D I convinced my younger sister to get on a water slide with me xD and it was hilarious because she doesn't do well with rides. I'm not a sadistic I swear lol But her reaction was hilarious.
This was an awesome fountain in the lobby heading towards our room!
We also visited a tiny little farm and saw some Llamas! :) I love Llamas now because of the movie The Emperor's New Groove. I like Kuzco. He starts out as this very arrogant whiny baby, but he ends up having a heart of gold near the end of the movie. Mostly I like the scene where he starts turning into a Llama and his adviser and her sidekick hit him over the head with a tray. It's a really great movie!
Actually it wasn't a Llama, it was a giraffe and some camels. I don't know why I thought I saw a Llama lol
We were able to get extremely close and some people were feeding it with the carrot sticks in their mouth. It was really weird...lol *Cue Christina Aguilera's I Am Beautiful*
Anyway, in July was me and my older sister's birthday. Her birthday was the very first week of July and mines was the second week. I can see why my mom would celebrate our birthdays all at once when we were kids lol
When my birthday came around I was like "Yeah, June was enough for me" lol because we did so much! I had a lot of fun with everyone.
In August, we found out my grandpa passed away. So we traveled to Mississippi for about three days. We spent so many hours on the road. It was about 10 hours to get there. Then the following day we had to travel 4 to 5 hours to get to the location where he would be buried. Mind you, my older sister did all of the driving (I'm so grateful for this, honestly!). The drive to and from was a bit scary as some of the areas were cover my water due to flooding, on both sides of the road and there were no guard rails lol Overall it was a hilarious trip.
During the final day we went to visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley!
It was neat to see there was a logbook at the reception desk with the names and location of people from all over the world who came to that exact location just to visit his birthplace! I even saw a few from Australia.
Also can I just say that Elvis had a very handsome face! I think his dark hair really brought out his blue eyes~~
In May, I went to a parade with my older sister and nephew. It was nice and they threw out candy. It wasn't very far from my house so we could easily walk back. I mostly took pictures of the trucks and cars as reference material lol It's safe to say that this is what you'd get if you take an artist or a photographer to a new location
Unfortunately I missed the clowns because I had to use the bathroom lol I ended up running home, came back and I missed the clowns. But I did get to see one more truck drive pass before the parade ended suddenly hahaha
And finally in April we went to see the new Avengers: Infinity War movie! It was great~~~ It was like an event because my older sister and I was anxiously awaiting this movie. My older sister cried during the movie haha
In the end, I thought this year was pretty great mostly because last year I had that bad allergy situation. I ended up working and became way too stressed. Although I'm still searching for at least some decent work, I have to say I think if I stayed while I was that overwhelmed it wouldn't have been pretty. I had to listen to my body. I was really having a tough time getting out of bed and at one point I even called off from work due to it (well actually multiple times).
I'm better now :) So I'm very happy. I think the moment I found out what it was it started to make sense to me. I'm allergic to cow's milk btw :P
As far as my art goes, I've been working on my webcomic. Very slowly may I add. At the moment no one is rushing me to get a new job but me, but it's because I feel very bad staying indoors so much. But my excuse is that it's because a lot of my work is done from a computer :P
Here's a link to my webcomic here:
http://www.smackjeeves.com/comicprofile.php?id=117786
The problem with me is that I'd either relax way too much, or I'll work way too much lol If I relax I feel unproductive or a bit guilty that I'm not working. And if I work too much or even just a few hours a day I feel like I'm neglecting the world. But I'm passionate nonetheless, even though it's tough work sometimes.
Sometimes I just stop for a day or two to just reflect to make sure I'm not pushing myself too much. I am constantly telling myself that it's okay if I'm not cranking out pages like a madwoman!I'm also trying to determine if I should just do this kind of work mostly and try to make a living from this, or if I should push myself to do more 3D work and try to get a job in the Game's industry.
The fact that there are many options is tough for me. But in the end, my ultimate goal is to try my hand at getting employment at Naughty Dogs! It's a gaming company in California! I love their work and how passionate they are about producing quality work to their audience. That is very important to me.
So as I mentioned in previous blogs I'm slowly learning to use Zbrush and Maya together and also learning Substance Painter and Substance Designer. It requires a lot of self-motivation to keep going. At least in school the consequences of not having an assignment done was a bad grade,but in life, alone, there are no grades. The only person I have to push myself is me. My friends and family can say "You can do it!" But I have to believe it first.
I'm also very critical of myself and I will go "I can fix this" or "I can be better at this", and this goes for character traits in myself as well. But I try not to be too hard on myself. To not do that I'll often find some inspiring quotes in books I happen to pick up :) I even found one in a game design book. It made me feel much better about my work and how I tend to work at a snail pace.
Maybe I shouldn't say I work slowly, but that I work on multiple things at once.
So currently while I'm trying to keep myself in touch with Maya, texturing, Zbrush and all these other software, my goal at the moment is to finish chapter 5 of my webcomic. I took about a year hiatus while I was finishing up my last year in college and I felt bad for my readers, but I knew the final year would be hectic and stressful.
After this, my younger sister to anxiously awaiting my next webcomic lol It deals with fashion and will be a slice of life comedy story. For years I've been planning this, but due to having to prioritize school and finishing those projects, I would just jot down ideas and revise. I still have a lot of projects from the years prior that I have to work on.
I'd also like to fix up my website and include some of my 2D animation.
So as I write this, yes it does seem like a lot, but you can see why I'm not trying to rush to cram everything in at once lol I'm working at a pace to not get overwhelmed. I know for sure that it's important for me to finish what I've started, but I also know that it's not uncommon for artist to have a bunch of unfinished pieces. If I don't finish a few, that's fine. I should finish the ones that interest me.
I've signed up to Art Station as well.
https://www.artstation.com/
There's a lot of great work there. Yet I'm not interested in those lol I'm interested in Naughty Dogs! haha Their name is in the career section. I'm more interested in catching a possible future employees eye, rather than gaining attention from other artist xD That's a shame, but it's the truth.
One thing I don't want to do, but I found myself slightly doing, is comparing myself to other artist. I had a few teachers that stressed that we should try to make our work similar to the work coming out of these AAA studios. That's a lot of unnecessary pressure.
I think some people think art is a competition rather than a form of expression. I didn't know our willingness to express was in competition with someone else's willingness to express! I've been viewing art the wrong way all these years xD
I didn't start out like that. I did enjoy my school, aside from the loan I have, but I love learning to hone my craft. Yeah they jammed a lot of biases into my brain that I have to find a way to work around, but I found it gave me a great foundation to work from. Since I've graduated I haven't stopped learning. I'm always reading something new or watching a new tutorial or re-watching the same tutorial until what I learn sticks.
Somehow, I'd be happy if I can find a place that wouldn't mind me saying "I don't know everything there is to know, but I'm willing to learn" and they'd be okay with that. But a part of me assumes that they search for some mystical unicorn capable of doing everything lol
I think, if I can create something and feel satisfied with it, that's enough for me.
That being said, that's my year so far! haha If you made it this far I appreciate it.
Now I should at least attempt to get something done today.
Byeeeee
Mon
I don't type here very often. Actually I'm indoors a lot more to be honest. That might scare people, but honestly I can't think of very many places I'd like to go at the moment. That's not to I haven't done anything at all this year. I have!
In June I went to Wisconsin Dells with my sister for about four days where we stayed at the Kalahari Resort! It was a lot of fun.
A photo of the hotel room.
Back to the topic. So we went there near the end of June for your younger sister's birthday, but we were out every single day. I was dead exhausted by the very last day and decided to stay in the hotel room the last evening we were there! We went to an indoor water park which was great! :D I convinced my younger sister to get on a water slide with me xD and it was hilarious because she doesn't do well with rides. I'm not a sadistic I swear lol But her reaction was hilarious.
This was an awesome fountain in the lobby heading towards our room!
We also visited a tiny little farm and saw some Llamas! :) I love Llamas now because of the movie The Emperor's New Groove. I like Kuzco. He starts out as this very arrogant whiny baby, but he ends up having a heart of gold near the end of the movie. Mostly I like the scene where he starts turning into a Llama and his adviser and her sidekick hit him over the head with a tray. It's a really great movie!
Actually it wasn't a Llama, it was a giraffe and some camels. I don't know why I thought I saw a Llama lol
We were able to get extremely close and some people were feeding it with the carrot sticks in their mouth. It was really weird...lol *Cue Christina Aguilera's I Am Beautiful*
Anyway, in July was me and my older sister's birthday. Her birthday was the very first week of July and mines was the second week. I can see why my mom would celebrate our birthdays all at once when we were kids lol
When my birthday came around I was like "Yeah, June was enough for me" lol because we did so much! I had a lot of fun with everyone.
In August, we found out my grandpa passed away. So we traveled to Mississippi for about three days. We spent so many hours on the road. It was about 10 hours to get there. Then the following day we had to travel 4 to 5 hours to get to the location where he would be buried. Mind you, my older sister did all of the driving (I'm so grateful for this, honestly!). The drive to and from was a bit scary as some of the areas were cover my water due to flooding, on both sides of the road and there were no guard rails lol Overall it was a hilarious trip.
During the final day we went to visit the birthplace of Elvis Presley!
It was neat to see there was a logbook at the reception desk with the names and location of people from all over the world who came to that exact location just to visit his birthplace! I even saw a few from Australia.
Also can I just say that Elvis had a very handsome face! I think his dark hair really brought out his blue eyes~~
In May, I went to a parade with my older sister and nephew. It was nice and they threw out candy. It wasn't very far from my house so we could easily walk back. I mostly took pictures of the trucks and cars as reference material lol It's safe to say that this is what you'd get if you take an artist or a photographer to a new location
Unfortunately I missed the clowns because I had to use the bathroom lol I ended up running home, came back and I missed the clowns. But I did get to see one more truck drive pass before the parade ended suddenly hahaha
And finally in April we went to see the new Avengers: Infinity War movie! It was great~~~ It was like an event because my older sister and I was anxiously awaiting this movie. My older sister cried during the movie haha
In the end, I thought this year was pretty great mostly because last year I had that bad allergy situation. I ended up working and became way too stressed. Although I'm still searching for at least some decent work, I have to say I think if I stayed while I was that overwhelmed it wouldn't have been pretty. I had to listen to my body. I was really having a tough time getting out of bed and at one point I even called off from work due to it (well actually multiple times).
I'm better now :) So I'm very happy. I think the moment I found out what it was it started to make sense to me. I'm allergic to cow's milk btw :P
As far as my art goes, I've been working on my webcomic. Very slowly may I add. At the moment no one is rushing me to get a new job but me, but it's because I feel very bad staying indoors so much. But my excuse is that it's because a lot of my work is done from a computer :P
Here's a link to my webcomic here:
http://www.smackjeeves.com/comicprofile.php?id=117786
The problem with me is that I'd either relax way too much, or I'll work way too much lol If I relax I feel unproductive or a bit guilty that I'm not working. And if I work too much or even just a few hours a day I feel like I'm neglecting the world. But I'm passionate nonetheless, even though it's tough work sometimes.
Sometimes I just stop for a day or two to just reflect to make sure I'm not pushing myself too much. I am constantly telling myself that it's okay if I'm not cranking out pages like a madwoman!I'm also trying to determine if I should just do this kind of work mostly and try to make a living from this, or if I should push myself to do more 3D work and try to get a job in the Game's industry.
The fact that there are many options is tough for me. But in the end, my ultimate goal is to try my hand at getting employment at Naughty Dogs! It's a gaming company in California! I love their work and how passionate they are about producing quality work to their audience. That is very important to me.
So as I mentioned in previous blogs I'm slowly learning to use Zbrush and Maya together and also learning Substance Painter and Substance Designer. It requires a lot of self-motivation to keep going. At least in school the consequences of not having an assignment done was a bad grade,but in life, alone, there are no grades. The only person I have to push myself is me. My friends and family can say "You can do it!" But I have to believe it first.
I'm also very critical of myself and I will go "I can fix this" or "I can be better at this", and this goes for character traits in myself as well. But I try not to be too hard on myself. To not do that I'll often find some inspiring quotes in books I happen to pick up :) I even found one in a game design book. It made me feel much better about my work and how I tend to work at a snail pace.
Maybe I shouldn't say I work slowly, but that I work on multiple things at once.
So currently while I'm trying to keep myself in touch with Maya, texturing, Zbrush and all these other software, my goal at the moment is to finish chapter 5 of my webcomic. I took about a year hiatus while I was finishing up my last year in college and I felt bad for my readers, but I knew the final year would be hectic and stressful.
After this, my younger sister to anxiously awaiting my next webcomic lol It deals with fashion and will be a slice of life comedy story. For years I've been planning this, but due to having to prioritize school and finishing those projects, I would just jot down ideas and revise. I still have a lot of projects from the years prior that I have to work on.
I'd also like to fix up my website and include some of my 2D animation.
So as I write this, yes it does seem like a lot, but you can see why I'm not trying to rush to cram everything in at once lol I'm working at a pace to not get overwhelmed. I know for sure that it's important for me to finish what I've started, but I also know that it's not uncommon for artist to have a bunch of unfinished pieces. If I don't finish a few, that's fine. I should finish the ones that interest me.
I've signed up to Art Station as well.
https://www.artstation.com/
There's a lot of great work there. Yet I'm not interested in those lol I'm interested in Naughty Dogs! haha Their name is in the career section. I'm more interested in catching a possible future employees eye, rather than gaining attention from other artist xD That's a shame, but it's the truth.
One thing I don't want to do, but I found myself slightly doing, is comparing myself to other artist. I had a few teachers that stressed that we should try to make our work similar to the work coming out of these AAA studios. That's a lot of unnecessary pressure.
I think some people think art is a competition rather than a form of expression. I didn't know our willingness to express was in competition with someone else's willingness to express! I've been viewing art the wrong way all these years xD
I didn't start out like that. I did enjoy my school, aside from the loan I have, but I love learning to hone my craft. Yeah they jammed a lot of biases into my brain that I have to find a way to work around, but I found it gave me a great foundation to work from. Since I've graduated I haven't stopped learning. I'm always reading something new or watching a new tutorial or re-watching the same tutorial until what I learn sticks.
Somehow, I'd be happy if I can find a place that wouldn't mind me saying "I don't know everything there is to know, but I'm willing to learn" and they'd be okay with that. But a part of me assumes that they search for some mystical unicorn capable of doing everything lol
I think, if I can create something and feel satisfied with it, that's enough for me.
That being said, that's my year so far! haha If you made it this far I appreciate it.
Now I should at least attempt to get something done today.
Byeeeee
Mon
Friday, August 16, 2019
Daja Vu from Ancient Greece
I should've probably written about this years ago, but I decided to write about it now lol Because why not?
Years ago when I was a freshman in college (I think I was in my first or second year) I had this very bizarre incident happen to me. A very different kind of Deja vu experience, and something more like a memory or being with a memory for a split second. Was it mine or something being shared with me, I can't say. But I will say that I can still recall the incident quite well!
First I should probably explain why I think this happened in the first place, or how it became possible for it to happen. A few years prior to this I was in a car accident (I was hit by a car) and it seemed to come out of nowhere. I had a split OBE experience where I was out of my body and near my mom's car and I saw myself. I literally had the experience of being outside of myself, I was lifted (but I know I got up) and ran across the street where I collapsed onto the ground and was back in my body.
I seriously think the situation shook me to my core lol and pushed me out of my body. But literally, the strange thing is that I was sort of at peace with the incident (aside from being terrified of driving and cars...I still kind of am to this day lol). But I remember feeling as if everything was okay, and now I look at it as me knowing that that incident had to happen.
Anyway, I didn't want to sue the old lady who hit me. I didn't care for it. I just told my mom that it's okay. I had no broken bones or any sort of injuries despite flipping onto her car lol I was fine and they were constantly saying it was a miracle. But something did happen. One of the thing is that I'm now often having back pains and also I think something happened to my mind.
At around that time I started to have a lot of sleep paralysis and a lot of terrifying feelings of being watched. It made it difficult to focus in school and I was very overwhelmed and stressed out. I couldn't find any words to explain what was going on, and even to this day I can't explain it. So I just tried to cope with it as best as I could.
The reason I'm saying this is because due to the sleep paralysis I started to conduct my on research on what was happening to me and this lead me down the road of reading books about metaphysics. This opened a completely new door for me.
So now to the incident I had. I believe this happened only because my mind was open to the possible.
So what happened that day?
During that day our class was heading to another floor of the building. I don't recall where we were going, but I do remember we were taking the stairs. I was walking alongside a classmate of mines. And as we were walking down the stairs, I had the experience of me taking a step down a sort of clay-like/dirt-like step and the walls being made of this same material. It was like a small winding corridor stairwell and I was wearing a white...Well it goes over my shoulder, and the clothing draped. There was a tiny window (sort of like a cutout in the wall that was like a window) in this tiny corridor stairwell.
The attire was something like this:
But was short like the guy to the far right:
And of course I think I was wearing sandals. I don't know if I was a man or a woman. And I think I may have been a student or something. The corridor looked like this:
(Sorry that's a stock image lol but it's the best I could find to describe the space). But the texture and look of the walls and floor was like this:
Then I was just still walking down the stairs in the present lol It was literally a split second, and I remember I was just walking like normal and said "Wow, deja vu" and I never talked about it lol
Sometimes I'd think back to that day and go "Well, what was that?" and so I just decided to write about it.
I'm not sure if I saw a past life or just some random spirits passing thought...or however it might work lol But it was fascinating to experience nonetheless. Rarely does anything like this happen to me.
If I did happen to have a life in Ancient Greece, I think that would be pretty awesome! Mostly because three of my favorite philosophers were from Athens.
I will say that I had this experience long before I took my Philosophy class about two or three years after this incident. I knew nothing about Socrates, Plato nor Aristotle. :) And of course my favorite is Socrates. Since taking a Philosophy and Ethics class I always thought about how awesome it would have been to have studied or at least even meet Socrates or Plato! So if this was something that did happen, I would be happy xD haha
Well, since that incident I never looked farther into it. Mostly because I feel like I would try to hard to try to make the memories come and they'll be more fantasy than something that could have actually been. I found that when I'm not trying or searching, things come to me. But, very rarely of course!
But one other very bizarre incident I had was at a Baptism of a friend of mines from college, her baby son. A man walked into the church and I was sitting near the door. The door closed and I suddenly saw this bright golden like light around his head. I just sat there like something happened lol But I honestly couldn't tell what it was or if I saw an aura. I just let the incident go.
Because these kinds of things are so rare for me, and I can't explain them, I don't talk about them openly. And even if I did, I don't know if I could explain what they are. The only thing I can do is explain what I see.
Well, that was my experience. :) Maybe someone will find this interesting. I think it's a pretty interested experience~
Mon
Years ago when I was a freshman in college (I think I was in my first or second year) I had this very bizarre incident happen to me. A very different kind of Deja vu experience, and something more like a memory or being with a memory for a split second. Was it mine or something being shared with me, I can't say. But I will say that I can still recall the incident quite well!
First I should probably explain why I think this happened in the first place, or how it became possible for it to happen. A few years prior to this I was in a car accident (I was hit by a car) and it seemed to come out of nowhere. I had a split OBE experience where I was out of my body and near my mom's car and I saw myself. I literally had the experience of being outside of myself, I was lifted (but I know I got up) and ran across the street where I collapsed onto the ground and was back in my body.
I seriously think the situation shook me to my core lol and pushed me out of my body. But literally, the strange thing is that I was sort of at peace with the incident (aside from being terrified of driving and cars...I still kind of am to this day lol). But I remember feeling as if everything was okay, and now I look at it as me knowing that that incident had to happen.
Anyway, I didn't want to sue the old lady who hit me. I didn't care for it. I just told my mom that it's okay. I had no broken bones or any sort of injuries despite flipping onto her car lol I was fine and they were constantly saying it was a miracle. But something did happen. One of the thing is that I'm now often having back pains and also I think something happened to my mind.
At around that time I started to have a lot of sleep paralysis and a lot of terrifying feelings of being watched. It made it difficult to focus in school and I was very overwhelmed and stressed out. I couldn't find any words to explain what was going on, and even to this day I can't explain it. So I just tried to cope with it as best as I could.
The reason I'm saying this is because due to the sleep paralysis I started to conduct my on research on what was happening to me and this lead me down the road of reading books about metaphysics. This opened a completely new door for me.
So now to the incident I had. I believe this happened only because my mind was open to the possible.
So what happened that day?
During that day our class was heading to another floor of the building. I don't recall where we were going, but I do remember we were taking the stairs. I was walking alongside a classmate of mines. And as we were walking down the stairs, I had the experience of me taking a step down a sort of clay-like/dirt-like step and the walls being made of this same material. It was like a small winding corridor stairwell and I was wearing a white...Well it goes over my shoulder, and the clothing draped. There was a tiny window (sort of like a cutout in the wall that was like a window) in this tiny corridor stairwell.
The attire was something like this:
But was short like the guy to the far right:
And of course I think I was wearing sandals. I don't know if I was a man or a woman. And I think I may have been a student or something. The corridor looked like this:
(Sorry that's a stock image lol but it's the best I could find to describe the space). But the texture and look of the walls and floor was like this:
Then I was just still walking down the stairs in the present lol It was literally a split second, and I remember I was just walking like normal and said "Wow, deja vu" and I never talked about it lol
Sometimes I'd think back to that day and go "Well, what was that?" and so I just decided to write about it.
I'm not sure if I saw a past life or just some random spirits passing thought...or however it might work lol But it was fascinating to experience nonetheless. Rarely does anything like this happen to me.
If I did happen to have a life in Ancient Greece, I think that would be pretty awesome! Mostly because three of my favorite philosophers were from Athens.
I will say that I had this experience long before I took my Philosophy class about two or three years after this incident. I knew nothing about Socrates, Plato nor Aristotle. :) And of course my favorite is Socrates. Since taking a Philosophy and Ethics class I always thought about how awesome it would have been to have studied or at least even meet Socrates or Plato! So if this was something that did happen, I would be happy xD haha
Well, since that incident I never looked farther into it. Mostly because I feel like I would try to hard to try to make the memories come and they'll be more fantasy than something that could have actually been. I found that when I'm not trying or searching, things come to me. But, very rarely of course!
But one other very bizarre incident I had was at a Baptism of a friend of mines from college, her baby son. A man walked into the church and I was sitting near the door. The door closed and I suddenly saw this bright golden like light around his head. I just sat there like something happened lol But I honestly couldn't tell what it was or if I saw an aura. I just let the incident go.
Because these kinds of things are so rare for me, and I can't explain them, I don't talk about them openly. And even if I did, I don't know if I could explain what they are. The only thing I can do is explain what I see.
Well, that was my experience. :) Maybe someone will find this interesting. I think it's a pretty interested experience~
Mon
Monday, July 15, 2019
In my next lifetime I will be...
In my next lifetime I know what I will be.
I will be a book! But not just any book, but an encyclopedia!
It makes sense. I just like to learn a lot of things. I just hope people don't bend my binding or rip out my pages! I also want my cover to be red with a white trim.
I hope people don't write on my pages too....
Mon :)
I will be a book! But not just any book, but an encyclopedia!
It makes sense. I just like to learn a lot of things. I just hope people don't bend my binding or rip out my pages! I also want my cover to be red with a white trim.
I hope people don't write on my pages too....
Mon :)
Sunday, April 28, 2019
Road to Gaming - Part ll
Hi!
So kind of tired at the moment. I'm thinking it has to do with the shifting weather. It's like the sky can't make up it's mind and this portion of the earth is wondering what season it wants to be.
Besides the constantly shift in temperature I'm still keeping my mind busy!
Recently I've been watching tutorials on Lynda and also following the tutorial for a Block Breaker game. It's not perfect, but I did go in and recreated the assets myself. It is pretty fun creating something that can not be interacted with as is, being placed in a game engine, and then becoming something that can be interacted with. Anyways, I'll be posting the simple little levels here eventually.
Honestly this is the same fascination that got me interested in animation! Well, Hayao Miyzaki's film Spirited Away got me interested in animation. However, I've come to find out I was impressed by his story-telling abilities through art than the actual animation process itself.
Although I went to school for animation, the decision to brush up on game design and what goes into it was also based off my curiosity. What I like most about having the foundation of animation as my major is that it's more story-driven. Being able to take the fact that I can animate in 2D and in 3D (though I have to brush up on both), I feel I incorporate these things.
Mostly these past few weeks have been me following along with tutorials, learning C# and reading books on the topics. I'm well aware that there's just so much material to cover for me to feel a tiny bit satisfied. Believe it or not I've always enjoyed learning, I just didn't like school lol I like learning what I find is interesting and when I find it interesting. I also enjoy truly understanding why something works the way it does.
The reason I'm doing all this reading is to gain an understanding of how games are made and why certain things are important to consider. I'm sure I can't learn everything, but while I'm job hunting I need to do something in my spare time.
I have a few sketches, but I'll be posting those on my Instagram (mon_monmia) So feel free to follow me there. At the moment I haven't actually sat down to create anything substantial. I can blame the fatigue, but it's more so out of just a slack lack of motivation. Something I enjoyed about school was being around other people who are also into the arts. Due to this slump I've resorted to simply sketching. It's better than doing nothing creative at all.
Despite not putting anything out, I feel that it's kinda worth it. I would rather truly be in the mood and create something I want to create without pressure than to create something halfheartedly. At the moment I have a sort of love/hate relationship with my creativity and art. I'm constantly battling with myself on what my mind is showing me versus what I'm producing on paper.
So because of this I've decided to just build my way up again. It's exciting, but it can also be a bit slow. Reading and learning new things take time. If there's anything I've learned from the authors, it is that planning is crucial.
Also the laptop I have won't allow me to do a lot of what I want. Hence why I'm looking for work. I'm limited on what I can do at the moment in 3D unfortunately and it's kind of thrown a rock in me trying to do anything more. I guess my hate towards art and my lack of motivation comes from this. It's tough to explain this to people because no matter how often I say it, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still limited somehow. So I can only be patient.This is something I push myself to understand.
I also understand that all the information in the world means nothing if I can't implement it and finish what I've started. I have a bunch of work I haven't completed. A few 2D animations I can't complete due to not having the means to do so (hence why I'm now just searching for a local job lol).
All in all, it can take a toll on me if I let it and I pretty much refuse to. Since I enjoy reading anyways, why not read and learn something new in the meantime?
So this has been me since the last blog. It's a bit scary and a little intimidating as I wonder what it would be like to work in the arts. I wonder if my work would be up to their standards. If I will feel fatigued or just weighted down and find it tough to work (this does happen sometimes).
To combat this I've made an effort to work or something for at least and hour or more everyday. As far as feeling my work isn't up to par, this is why I'm learning from the ground up, 3D modeling, texturing, etc. If I find a weakness or I find myself doubting myself, I find the answers and a solution. I never want to say "I'm not very good at this" when I've had the time to improve. If there's something I don't know, I'll go learn it. This is something I want to say with sincerity and confidence. It's also a motto I'd like to share with others. If you'd like to do something, but you don't know where to start, simply start and see where it takes you. Look online to see where other people have started, and if it doesn't work out at least you did something you were curious about because being curious and never at least taking that first step will lead you to wonder what could've been.
Some people would even say that your 20's are the perfect time to try out all kinds of jobs or new things. I don't feel this should apply only to my 20's but my entire life. If I stop at 30, what will I do with the rest of my life (if there is much left of it...morbid, but it's the truth)? lol
With all of this being said I go where my curiosity leads me. If I take an interest in something I watch it with excitement despite the possible work that comes with it. Had I not been this way I wouldn't have pursued art. Had I not been this way I wouldn't have taken a philosophy class in college and learn about Socrates (random I know lol). I'm never sure what knowing these things will do for me, but I know I enjoyed them very much.I don't ever want to stop! Life is full of so many people and things we can learn from, it's almost impossible to say I know everything, or even a quarter or anything. If I can incorporate my bouncing about from project to project with art, I think I'd be happy.
Mon
So kind of tired at the moment. I'm thinking it has to do with the shifting weather. It's like the sky can't make up it's mind and this portion of the earth is wondering what season it wants to be.
Besides the constantly shift in temperature I'm still keeping my mind busy!
Recently I've been watching tutorials on Lynda and also following the tutorial for a Block Breaker game. It's not perfect, but I did go in and recreated the assets myself. It is pretty fun creating something that can not be interacted with as is, being placed in a game engine, and then becoming something that can be interacted with. Anyways, I'll be posting the simple little levels here eventually.
Honestly this is the same fascination that got me interested in animation! Well, Hayao Miyzaki's film Spirited Away got me interested in animation. However, I've come to find out I was impressed by his story-telling abilities through art than the actual animation process itself.
Although I went to school for animation, the decision to brush up on game design and what goes into it was also based off my curiosity. What I like most about having the foundation of animation as my major is that it's more story-driven. Being able to take the fact that I can animate in 2D and in 3D (though I have to brush up on both), I feel I incorporate these things.
Mostly these past few weeks have been me following along with tutorials, learning C# and reading books on the topics. I'm well aware that there's just so much material to cover for me to feel a tiny bit satisfied. Believe it or not I've always enjoyed learning, I just didn't like school lol I like learning what I find is interesting and when I find it interesting. I also enjoy truly understanding why something works the way it does.
The reason I'm doing all this reading is to gain an understanding of how games are made and why certain things are important to consider. I'm sure I can't learn everything, but while I'm job hunting I need to do something in my spare time.
I have a few sketches, but I'll be posting those on my Instagram (mon_monmia) So feel free to follow me there. At the moment I haven't actually sat down to create anything substantial. I can blame the fatigue, but it's more so out of just a slack lack of motivation. Something I enjoyed about school was being around other people who are also into the arts. Due to this slump I've resorted to simply sketching. It's better than doing nothing creative at all.
Despite not putting anything out, I feel that it's kinda worth it. I would rather truly be in the mood and create something I want to create without pressure than to create something halfheartedly. At the moment I have a sort of love/hate relationship with my creativity and art. I'm constantly battling with myself on what my mind is showing me versus what I'm producing on paper.
So because of this I've decided to just build my way up again. It's exciting, but it can also be a bit slow. Reading and learning new things take time. If there's anything I've learned from the authors, it is that planning is crucial.
Also the laptop I have won't allow me to do a lot of what I want. Hence why I'm looking for work. I'm limited on what I can do at the moment in 3D unfortunately and it's kind of thrown a rock in me trying to do anything more. I guess my hate towards art and my lack of motivation comes from this. It's tough to explain this to people because no matter how often I say it, it doesn't change the fact that I'm still limited somehow. So I can only be patient.This is something I push myself to understand.
I also understand that all the information in the world means nothing if I can't implement it and finish what I've started. I have a bunch of work I haven't completed. A few 2D animations I can't complete due to not having the means to do so (hence why I'm now just searching for a local job lol).
All in all, it can take a toll on me if I let it and I pretty much refuse to. Since I enjoy reading anyways, why not read and learn something new in the meantime?
So this has been me since the last blog. It's a bit scary and a little intimidating as I wonder what it would be like to work in the arts. I wonder if my work would be up to their standards. If I will feel fatigued or just weighted down and find it tough to work (this does happen sometimes).
To combat this I've made an effort to work or something for at least and hour or more everyday. As far as feeling my work isn't up to par, this is why I'm learning from the ground up, 3D modeling, texturing, etc. If I find a weakness or I find myself doubting myself, I find the answers and a solution. I never want to say "I'm not very good at this" when I've had the time to improve. If there's something I don't know, I'll go learn it. This is something I want to say with sincerity and confidence. It's also a motto I'd like to share with others. If you'd like to do something, but you don't know where to start, simply start and see where it takes you. Look online to see where other people have started, and if it doesn't work out at least you did something you were curious about because being curious and never at least taking that first step will lead you to wonder what could've been.
Some people would even say that your 20's are the perfect time to try out all kinds of jobs or new things. I don't feel this should apply only to my 20's but my entire life. If I stop at 30, what will I do with the rest of my life (if there is much left of it...morbid, but it's the truth)? lol
With all of this being said I go where my curiosity leads me. If I take an interest in something I watch it with excitement despite the possible work that comes with it. Had I not been this way I wouldn't have pursued art. Had I not been this way I wouldn't have taken a philosophy class in college and learn about Socrates (random I know lol). I'm never sure what knowing these things will do for me, but I know I enjoyed them very much.I don't ever want to stop! Life is full of so many people and things we can learn from, it's almost impossible to say I know everything, or even a quarter or anything. If I can incorporate my bouncing about from project to project with art, I think I'd be happy.
Mon
Saturday, March 23, 2019
Road to Gaming-Part I
Hi!
For about a year and a half I've been just jamming my brain with information about games and how they're made (mostly about coding/programming). Although I went to school and got a degree in Media Arts & Animation there were times when I was thinking that I'd like to transfer over to learning about games. But I stuck with animation due to the fact that it's the thing I had originally started going to college for.
Here's how it went. During my senior year in high school I was like "Oh! That's Hayao Miyazaki movie Spirited Away blew my mind, I'd love to know how to make my drawings move!" and so I applied to the school I graduated from and got accepted with flying colors lol Then I started taking classes and was put off by how quick everything was and how it felt like they were trying to control my creative flow, and I thought "they're leeching me!!" and was like "I could do gaming stuff" but then I thought back to the me that made the choice to attend the school to make my drawings move, and that kept me on the path of animation.
The thing is that I asked an adviser at my school how different was animation from game and she explained that I would only have to take a few extra classes that aren't offered to animation students and I was like "Yeah, I can learn that extra stuff" and so, that's what I'm doing! I stuck by what I had originally stated I would love to learn to do because I promised myself I would do this.
And so, here I am. I decided I want to start working in games. Now, it's a bit intimidating because I'm not sure where to start and I'm not sure if I will be what the companies are looking for. Yet, I will say that confidence speak volumes. I want to be the kind of person that, even if I feel a bit uncomfortable, can admit that, but also do something about the problem.
So although I've been learning for about a year and a half (basically since I graduated) I decided that it doesn't matter how long it takes, I will keep learning. Actually I wonder if I will ever be comfortable. The truth is when I worked at the animal clinic I worked at, I was kind of thinking to myself that it's not good that my co-workers felt comfortable in their work. I also think it's not good that I do things in habit. Mostly because when things become second-nature it doesn't require though. We start going on auto-pilot.
The issue is that our brains just isn't feeling challenged anymore. This isn't good for our brains, or us. Because if anything takes us out of our element we feel horrible. So I would like to learn to work with this uncomfortable feeling.
I also decided that instead of thinking "I've been learning for a year and I'm still not good enough" and instead start thinking that I learned something that I didn't know yesterday or a month ago.
It's the small steps that I'm missing out on because I'm not paying attention to the fact that each step helps me move forward,
So the reason I started writing this kind of blog is to record my thoughts and feelings about my progress. Perhaps someday someone who is also trying to get into some kind of career, and look at people in their career and say "how are they so confident?" without hearing the person's story, will witness my story. And when I do get into games or into a job that I thought I wasn't skilled enough in, and people are looking at me and thinking I'm some sort of 3D demi-god, they will know that I started off from the beginning.That it takes time and patience and determination.
I hope that somehow I can be some sort of guidance, or even an indirect friend who expresses that I just don't know how to approach certain things, or if I'm going about it the correct way. I never want people to look and say "well she seems confident" or "she wouldn't work with someone who isn't as skilled as she is!" because the truth is that we all start from somewhere.
So if you're interested in this kind of thing, feel free to follow this version of my blog.
Oh! One more thing, another reason I'm writing this is because I can't quite recall how horrible I was at using Maya for the first time. I do remember being in class and hearing all my classmates moan and groan about how the software was difficult. Why pressing E scales the objects, rather than the key being the S key haha And me being in awe at the people who just seemed to pick it up.
I remember thinking how I would never learn how to use Maya, and constantly asking my teacher "what's the correct way to do this?" and them telling me "There is no correct way" (I feel like they kinda lied to me, because there are a few things to follow to get the best results, but that's another story for another time).
At the moment I can say I'm pretty good with using Maya. Also at the moment I'm at a bit of a halt due to not having a good enough computer to render and do the things I'd like to do. So while I wait I'm learning Unity and Zbrush. I've touched up on Mudbox, but I'm starting to like Zbrush. But to this day I've seen videos on YouTube where someone shows something new in Maya and I go "Ohhh! That's pretty neat!"
I will also say that I do prefer traditional mediums over digital ones (by this I mean drawing), but I have found some things that I do enjoy about doing things digital. I also want to mention how I've started a journey of drawing 100 hands to improve my hand drawing skills and I will also practice drawing more things in perspective, rather than not using a ruler.
So mostly I'm a hot mess haha And I feel like I have plenty of room for improvements.
I just want you to understand that this is the position I'm in at the moment and that someday if I happen to make something of myself, that I wasn't also in that place. I'd also like this to be known to myself so that I can always look back and say "Oh! I remember how bad I was at this and that!"
That's all for now. Keep an eye out for the next part. Also don't be too concerned if I sound depressed or frustrated in my blogs while dealing with this haha somehow I push myself to keep moving forward.
Mon
For about a year and a half I've been just jamming my brain with information about games and how they're made (mostly about coding/programming). Although I went to school and got a degree in Media Arts & Animation there were times when I was thinking that I'd like to transfer over to learning about games. But I stuck with animation due to the fact that it's the thing I had originally started going to college for.
Here's how it went. During my senior year in high school I was like "Oh! That's Hayao Miyazaki movie Spirited Away blew my mind, I'd love to know how to make my drawings move!" and so I applied to the school I graduated from and got accepted with flying colors lol Then I started taking classes and was put off by how quick everything was and how it felt like they were trying to control my creative flow, and I thought "they're leeching me!!" and was like "I could do gaming stuff" but then I thought back to the me that made the choice to attend the school to make my drawings move, and that kept me on the path of animation.
The thing is that I asked an adviser at my school how different was animation from game and she explained that I would only have to take a few extra classes that aren't offered to animation students and I was like "Yeah, I can learn that extra stuff" and so, that's what I'm doing! I stuck by what I had originally stated I would love to learn to do because I promised myself I would do this.
And so, here I am. I decided I want to start working in games. Now, it's a bit intimidating because I'm not sure where to start and I'm not sure if I will be what the companies are looking for. Yet, I will say that confidence speak volumes. I want to be the kind of person that, even if I feel a bit uncomfortable, can admit that, but also do something about the problem.
So although I've been learning for about a year and a half (basically since I graduated) I decided that it doesn't matter how long it takes, I will keep learning. Actually I wonder if I will ever be comfortable. The truth is when I worked at the animal clinic I worked at, I was kind of thinking to myself that it's not good that my co-workers felt comfortable in their work. I also think it's not good that I do things in habit. Mostly because when things become second-nature it doesn't require though. We start going on auto-pilot.
The issue is that our brains just isn't feeling challenged anymore. This isn't good for our brains, or us. Because if anything takes us out of our element we feel horrible. So I would like to learn to work with this uncomfortable feeling.
I also decided that instead of thinking "I've been learning for a year and I'm still not good enough" and instead start thinking that I learned something that I didn't know yesterday or a month ago.
It's the small steps that I'm missing out on because I'm not paying attention to the fact that each step helps me move forward,
So the reason I started writing this kind of blog is to record my thoughts and feelings about my progress. Perhaps someday someone who is also trying to get into some kind of career, and look at people in their career and say "how are they so confident?" without hearing the person's story, will witness my story. And when I do get into games or into a job that I thought I wasn't skilled enough in, and people are looking at me and thinking I'm some sort of 3D demi-god, they will know that I started off from the beginning.That it takes time and patience and determination.
I hope that somehow I can be some sort of guidance, or even an indirect friend who expresses that I just don't know how to approach certain things, or if I'm going about it the correct way. I never want people to look and say "well she seems confident" or "she wouldn't work with someone who isn't as skilled as she is!" because the truth is that we all start from somewhere.
So if you're interested in this kind of thing, feel free to follow this version of my blog.
Oh! One more thing, another reason I'm writing this is because I can't quite recall how horrible I was at using Maya for the first time. I do remember being in class and hearing all my classmates moan and groan about how the software was difficult. Why pressing E scales the objects, rather than the key being the S key haha And me being in awe at the people who just seemed to pick it up.
I remember thinking how I would never learn how to use Maya, and constantly asking my teacher "what's the correct way to do this?" and them telling me "There is no correct way" (I feel like they kinda lied to me, because there are a few things to follow to get the best results, but that's another story for another time).
At the moment I can say I'm pretty good with using Maya. Also at the moment I'm at a bit of a halt due to not having a good enough computer to render and do the things I'd like to do. So while I wait I'm learning Unity and Zbrush. I've touched up on Mudbox, but I'm starting to like Zbrush. But to this day I've seen videos on YouTube where someone shows something new in Maya and I go "Ohhh! That's pretty neat!"
I will also say that I do prefer traditional mediums over digital ones (by this I mean drawing), but I have found some things that I do enjoy about doing things digital. I also want to mention how I've started a journey of drawing 100 hands to improve my hand drawing skills and I will also practice drawing more things in perspective, rather than not using a ruler.
So mostly I'm a hot mess haha And I feel like I have plenty of room for improvements.
I just want you to understand that this is the position I'm in at the moment and that someday if I happen to make something of myself, that I wasn't also in that place. I'd also like this to be known to myself so that I can always look back and say "Oh! I remember how bad I was at this and that!"
That's all for now. Keep an eye out for the next part. Also don't be too concerned if I sound depressed or frustrated in my blogs while dealing with this haha somehow I push myself to keep moving forward.
Mon
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