In the past, that means during my elementary years, middle school years and my high school years, I've always found myself either crying or feeling quite depressed. To be honest, looking back at it, it's kind of sad to me. The way I made it through was by constantly telling, no, pushing myself forward. Just one a few more months, a few more minutes,make it through the next few seconds! Just whatever you do, don't give up!
I don't know if it's just a pride thing or perhaps I like to see if I CAN do something before I say that I can't do it. Then again, I do often say "I can't" but still try anyways. Perhaps I have a lot of fight and determination in me.
Anyway, during those times I had some tough days. To this day I still do, however they are more bearable. You see, due to the teachers, the staff and the students kindness and understanding, it's made things a bit more bearable for me! Lately there's been quite a bit of transportation issues, and so far my teachers have been understanding, even with homework assignments.
I understand that such things shouldn't become a habit, but I'm kind of depending on this situation a bit, and that's no good either. However, I have to take what I am given now and just suck it up. In the past if I had give the reason why I couldn't do something or try to explain my situation, it would be looked down on, or they wouldn't want to hear it. Well, I'm such an honest person and for the most part, I'm quite truthful, so I'd hope that if I'm spilling my guts out to someone they won't just shrug their shoulders and shut a door on my face. I'm not asking for someone to pity me and pat my shoulders (honestly something like that makes me feel guilty and way too weak lol), but a little compassion really helps!
I really like this school because the staff are helpful, they would normally find the students to let them know if theirs a problem. I'd get a call every quarter from a lady who works in a department to make sure everything is going well. I even told her about my transportation issues and she went out of her way to try to find me some transportation options online! I was sooo happy! Those kinds of things make my day!They make me happy :) They are the moments in which the dark moments start to seem so petty. They distinguish my doubt. Then again, is it a shame to have to have some kind of fortune happen in order to realize the benefit of life?
Of course I don't want to be the kind of person who is dependent on having to experience good things in order to know that they exist. I'd like to know that they are there even if I can't see it. Hm...perhaps, it's the feeling of the experience rather than the experience itself.
Well, maybe I could make someone's day! I'd like to help people recognize that there are good days, and that they can overweight the so called "bad"
But even I know I can be a little "human" lol For example, I've been just pushing myself to work n my script for my webcomic. It's moving quite slowly recently and I believe it's because I'm trying "too hard"! But I made a promise to my readers and I haven't kept it, so I'm feeling a bit unreliable. I don't think I'm unreliable because I try to stick to my word whenever I can. I understand that sometimes we can't keep our words, and so far my readers are waiting. It's been 2 months now and I still haven't posted anything. Anyways, to the point. I become very irritated when someone bothers me while I'm trying to work.
For the most part, I catch myself doing this! Earlier today my sister had just arrived home. She was excited to tell me about what happened to her today, and I just didn't want to hear it! After I kind of brushed her off by staying in my room and continuing my reading and writing I thought to myself "that's so harsh!" so I closed my book and went downstairs to hear her out lol I'm glad she didn't take it in a bad way. Or perhaps she did and just brushed it off. But I seriously had to take a second to think how I would feel if someone did that too me.
I seriously need to stop being so serious with my work. If I finish it today, then I do, if I don't, then I have tomorrow. But if something happens to me before tomorrow, then would I be happy knowing I pushed aside people in my life at the expense of not having been able to finish myself work? No. I feel that people are more important. I could contribute what I see in my mind as much as I can now, but never to compromise the love of the people I care about :) Because they are golden.
Anyways, I'm quite human lol I do things like that and I even become ashamed at myself. But I people often tell me to not be so hard on myself. That I'm too critical and not to overwork! Wow! I don't see it that way, but I doubt that they'd say it if it weren't true. Could I really be too serious with myself? Lol Well we have a problem!
I came up with a plan to just give myself a break from side projects next year. All next year I won't do any side projects unless absolutely necessary. For now I can't do that because there's this animation thing coming up. I have an incomplete animation I still have to work on (and I am working on it slowly but surely), that I'd like to showcase for this animation event. :) I can also add it to my portfolio. But in order for me to get anything done, I have to put aside some of my projects and past time studying to do them. Recently I've dropped knitting, crocheting, and studying Japanese and Chinese in exchange for doing my class work, short animation projects, reading, working on my webcomic and some other miscellaneous activities!
But you know, I always feel great happiness when I finally finish something! Mostly I feel the most happiest when I actually put forth all my effort and ability to complete it. Recently I haven't done anything like that yet (even for my class assignments). Those kinds of things that a while for me to complete because I work kind of slow. :P It's true. I'm like a snail working to paint a masterpiece.
That's all for now! Ahhhh~~~~ But I am working on some things. And I can't wait to complete this animation. It's been so long, but hope it turns out okay.
Mon
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