Kind of blue

So today was okay!

My title doesn't make it seem that way, does it?

Well I'll get to that in a bit.

Today I worked for 7 hours on my animation assignment. I'm happy with the progress I made but it's not nearly enough. I'm hoping to be able to finish it. I'm planning to spend my time working on it in my Saturday, which is about 6 hours long. Then my older sister said she'll have to drop me off early on Tuesday, which is the day the project is due. So I'm gonna keep trying.

Honestly, my head hurts from sitting in front of that computer for so long.

So on to what's making me feel blue. It's just a small thing, but I think it's worth writing about.

So maybe the day before yesterday or yesterday my mom was complaining about how her job isn't paying hr enough to take care of the bills and whatnot. I took note of this. Of course at the moment I don't have a job. :/ So I can't do much.

Anyways, my mom only needs $120 for the bills. *shrugs* I don't have that much in my account lol I already told my sisters that my wallet smacks me everytime I look inside of it for money :P

But I do have enough for half.

But that's not what made me feel blue. It's my older sister. :/ Of course I don't think my older sister is wrong, I just feel that if the situation called for her asking for money, she'd expect to be given it. And that's exactly what bugs me.

So on the car ride home from the movies, she did say don't judge her and brought of the incident where my mom asked her for the money. My sister said she didn't tell her what the money would be used for. But she said it better not be for my mom's hair, so my sister concluded that it must be for a bill. So my older sister said she ignored my mom's text message and started complaining about how she needed work done on her car. Now that part I understand, but the part that bugged me was when she started saying that my mom won't pay for it to get done. Now that's what bugged me.

I already expressed to my younger sister how I feel that my older sister seems to expect things and if she does't receive anything, then why should she give? Now for me, she isn't that selfish. For the most part she isn't always this selfish. She gives from time to time, don't get me wrong, but she usually doesn't give during moments where it's really called for it lol

For example, I had to miss maybe two classes because my mom had to do some errands that, to me, seemed quite important. So I was okay with this. My older sister, however, was not. She complained that my mom only thinks about herself and that she would never let me miss school. To me it's kind of like my sister is trying to prove that she can do something that my mom wouldn't, and need praise for it. I expressed to her that it didn't bother me that I had to miss school. I understand that sometimes they can't take me to class.I know I'll be penalized for it, and yes I'm sure I'll be very sad. But that's why I'm grateful that my teachers are understanding. If it weren't for them being understanding things would be a lot harder for me. So I'm really grateful.

Anyways, this is what made me feel a little sad. I understand my older sister, I really do. But it's the reason behind her behavior that bugs me. I say more power to her for getting her car fixed. I hold nothing against her in that regards.

I'll just cash in my coins and with $50 from my younger sister I'll give my mom what I have left. It does make me a little sad but hey *shrugs* I'm not losing much. Since next week is the last week I'll start job hunting again. :D I wanna work at Pier 1 Imports. But I seriously think I haven't been allowed to find a job due to the fact that I've been dealing with other stuff.   I needed a serious break, and although I said "I want a job" I knew I didn't really want one, I just wanted to relax. I just feel kind of lazy when I'm not doing much.

Anyways, I don't feel blue anymore. I just hope my mom and sister won't turn out like my mom and her mom. If so, I don't want a part of it. If I do start my own family, I seriously don't want my mom and sisters ridiculing my family or my ways of raising my children or whatever. I already know my ways of viewing things are more non-violent and non-threatening than my older sister and mom. My  younger sister, in my opinion, is usually just the follower. I'm not painting myself in higher regards, it's just I don't express myself freely with them.

So I feel they don't quite know me. Because when I do express myself, well, I get ridiculed, or they start shoving their beliefs down my throat. So I just gave up *shrugs* besides, I read in my birth chart that I can even be a bit dogmatic and should learn even a little bit of tactfulness. :) Which I'm keeping in mind.

Of course I do believe people are entitled to their own thoughts. But I just don't like the ones that hold restrictions on someone else. Of course I've come to understand that the person being restricted just doesn't know what right they have to not be restricted. And I wonder, should they continue to be treated that way? I mean, think of  a person in a abusive relationship. If I see that I'd say "it's wrong", but looking at it farther, is it really?

Physical abuse  isn't right, I think, on a child, than on an adult. Because a child is a minor, and can't go anywhere. They would likely think they are restricted. Besides it's their parents. But with adults, it's like another story. But with an adult and an adult, I feel that they SHOULD know better. But that's not always the case. If they can allow that kind of behavior, should they be justified. They can get away, can't they?

It's like a push/pull kind of thing with me. It's really frustrating somethings. It's like I have no solid beliefs, but I do. I know if I encounter an action my feelings wouldn't lie. It would either be a feeling of like or dislike. Examining it on the surface I can say "I like___" or "I dislike___" but if I take a closer look at it and question it, I'll get that both side pull.

So this is what I feel towards the situation with my sister. Anyways, the situation calls for something else then. No use dwelling on it, as it won't benefits anything dwelling and not doing. :)

Well, I still have a headache and I'm kind of sore from yesterday's workout. So I'm going to head in.

Mon