Tried!

So today I worked on my character design work. I was able to flip-flop about and do piece for each different assignment. Honestly I feel pretty confident that I'll be able to finish all of the assignments. I'm working on the more detailed assignments now and saving the easier one's for last.

Next week I'm gonna go full gear with working on my animation assignment. I'm thinking I'll probably stay at the school a bit longer and next Saturday I'll dedicate more time to work on it and while I'm at home I'll work on my character design assignments.

Also, I was able to find the letter that guy gave me back in high school! Yay~~! I thought I threw it away. Which is strange because I tend to keep all the letter people give me. I even keep simple drawings people give me.

I stumbled upon it while I was searching for my bank booklet. I thought it was one of my written journal pages, but when I opened it I was like "Oh! This is that letter!"

I just put it in my wallet so I wouldn't lose it again. I haven't actually read it again because I haven't had time.

It's strange after going through a series of events in high school. Looking at myself now I feel that I have more confidence in myself and I'm learning more and more that I don't need everyone's approval when I'm working on something that I enjoy. Now when I feel the urge to look to see if someone commented on my work I question myself internally "Why am I searching for comments? This is for my self-enjoyment isn't it?" and if it's me just doing it to gain comments or approval, I feel that my reason for doing it isn't valid. I want to be the kind of person who, when I create something or do something, I do it because I enjoy it, not because I hope people will like it. Because not eveyone will like what i like, and I'd like to keep my mind clear of this reality.

I feel if I were to search for gratification all the time I could become dependent on it. That's not good because what if when I search for it, I can't find it, or it's not exactly the gratification I'm looking for? It becomes a search of what you want to hear, and not what another is sincere about, or what the other person means. I want  a person to like or dislike it because that's who they are, what they are interested in etc.

I would like to feel free to create without restrictions from myself. I would like to be this way even with relationships. Not searching for friendship, but for them to happen. For example, if I'm happy I won't be sad because someone else feels I should be. When I'm sad I'll be sad, and not be happy because I feel it's what others want me to do.

Because in the end, I would be pleasing the other person....but what about me? Is my worth not good enough to feel what I feel and honestly have someone accept that it's the way I feel? I can't say a person would, and that's why it matters to me to be honest with myself because i owe it to myself to know that I can say "I'm happy" and mean it. People can't read our minds or understand us the way we want them to. So I feel that if I can accept myself to the fullest, I wouldn't expect someone to feel the way I want them to.

:3 I feel like I'm reaching this point. Yeah I get annoyed, but I know I can look at my family now and say "that's them, and if I say something they may or may not listen" and most often it's the latter.And as long as a person tried, that's what matters and you shouldn't feel guilty for something that you tried to prevent.

The reason I'm typing about this is because I have been sitting sometimes and I would sometimes see myself trying very hard to relate to someone so they can feel that someone understands them. It's not a bad quality I think, but it is an issue when I'm not honest with them and say what I feel will make them feel better. Sometimes i do think "nah, that doesn't sound like a good idea' But they would probably say "it's a good idea, isn't it?" and not really be looking for me to disagree with them, but to agree.

For the most part, when I have been honest with the people who ask me these things *cough* My family *cough cough* they would get angry. I wouldn't feel bad, but I would think "you ask me, and I told you what I thought"

Because of this retaliation, even from a young age, I feel I've been programmed to just agree, and I don't like that. It's not me if I'm always agreeing. It's like being a robot. And I don't want to be just comfort, I want to be someone who cares for you and who isn't afraid to say "You know what, I think you were wrong in that situation, but I'm sure you can make it better if you sit on it for a while." because that's what I do with myself. I am friends with my inner self. Yes I know the difference between being brutally honest and being considerate and honest, but I don't know how to balance the two to become brutally yet considerately honestly. Which is a mixture of being you fully, but knowing that you should still be considerate of the other person's feelings. Or rather this is the kind of person I want to be.

That's all for now~

Mon