I'm sort of exhausted mentally, but my mind still finds a way to just keep thinking...or just bringing stuff to mind. So I thought of something interesting as I was walking from the bathroom back to my room (TMI I know :P you're welcome).
It was simply this: we are limited only because we aren't aware of the tools at our disposal. I also assume that some topics are things we aren't interested in. For example, there are plenty of ways to learn new skills and languages to expand one's understanding, but some people don't find any kind of interest in this causing them to possibly miss out of opportunities. Let's say that there's a 1 percent chance of them changing due to taking that initiative to learn something new from gaining knowledge from a particular place of particular person that is completely foreign to them, this could open a bunch of doors.
So say someone learns a language, and they meet someone that is a native to that language. They learn something new from this native that is completely mind blowing, and possibly, something that would've have learned regardless (let's say it's based from their culture). Now we could argue that a person can learn this same thing even from their own land, but (and this a huge BUT), the knowledge obtained from a source in which a person is directly capable of understanding it, is different if someone is translating this information.
It's like reading a novel and experiencing all that goes into it (and truly understanding it) as opposed to someone telling you about it. The experience is different.
So, this slim chance of gaining some new fond knowledge opens doors.
This is my theory. So say that learning a new language is the tool to understanding a bit more about life. Now, let's say that we're uninterested in this or have any idea that it exist. We are limited to the world we live in despite the fact that something exist even without us being aware of it. It's a tool to help deepen our understanding of something beyond out daily lives.
The issue is that if someone is unaware of something, how do you come to be aware of it? This is tough. It's like having a shadow looking down, or knowing that you can even look down.
Well, I'd like to think that there are people in the world capable of using these "tools", but the ideas seem so far-fetched or outlandish that we couldn't even believe they let those words slip out their mouth! Blasphemy!
An interesting thing happened during my lunch break today as I read a book titled "Nostradamus for Dummies" in which there was a statement that people during his time thought it was "strange" for some to think the world revolves around the sun and not the other way around.
Well guess what? We acquired the tool to prove otherwise right?
So, what does this say about things going on in our lifetime. We are quite unaware. Honestly this makes me wonder if we will ever truly be aware of everything! Consider this, we are a tiny speckle in a greater cosmos. Firstly, to assume that there is no life beyond us is a bit weird in my opinion. Secondly, reality is a strange thing because it's visually and mentally different for each person and it's factually the same.
Something I read years ago is that life is full of contradictions. For example, it can be daytime and nighttime on Earth, but not in the same place, but it's still something that happens.
Of course, I find it tough to express these things and words and it's easier to comprehend and express when I don't even try. The thought came to me, and I understood it, but the moment I sat down to try and express it I found it tough to find the correct words. Yet, I hope I explained it in a way that can be understood.
Something I would like to understand a bit more about are dimensions. I'm seriously not into science, but I love microscopes, the idea of the universe, and the infinity of numbers, but it's not my cup of tea lol I'm a walking contradiction myself, but those topics are not something I'd readily pursue, especially if I go to school for it and am tested on my "grasping" the concepts the way it's written. This is why I didn't like school. School made me feel dumb and I honestly didn't care much for it haha
I'm thinking I'll do more of these quick theory blogs when I get more thoughts like these. I just found it interesting and I started to wonder if we are limited due to our lack of awareness of what we're truly limited to. I know we can't "fly" in the sense that we aren't equipped with wings, but we can fly by plane. There are plenty of steps forward we can take, but it does take seeing everything to get that.
But I will write more. If I don't write I definitely know I'll be thinking about them. Before I go, I'll update you on what I've been up to. Recently I've been reading (shocking! I know haha) a book about Nostradamus. I only know so little about him, so I'm interested in learning more. :) Also I learned a little about the painting A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte by Saurat George (I hope I didn't butcher that) and how this Island is an actual place! My mind was blown haha but it was blown even more by the fact that Claude Monet created a few art pieces of the Island. The Island was well known for it's artist. :) It's pretty neat.
Also, this helped me to understand that the world is pretty huge! And I know so little about it (I didn't pay much attention in history. Shocker!? lol felt it was quite biased in what they decided to teach us), but I'm making up for it slowly but surely. I do enjoy learning things at my own pace.
Anyways, that's my simple little theory. Basic, but perhaps it will blow someone's mind haha who knows.
Mon
Monday, November 26, 2018
Friday, October 5, 2018
Healing
Hi!!
So first I want to start by saying that I started working. To be honest I have absolutely no knowledge of anything dealing with it lol I'm a vet receptionist. So I have a lot to learn. Interestingly enough the doctor who interviewed me hired me for my personality even despite my lack of knowledge! I was so happy!
Sometimes I feel a bit discouraged due to my lack of knowledge that the other receptionist have, but I realize I have to be patient and understand it will take time. I'll say I feel like I often slow down work process with my constant questions and apologizing often, but I think it's necessary and they say they don't mind. I guess the only way I can truly help is to prove to them that I'm learning from what they've taught me.
Anyways! I came here not to type about that, but because a thought came to my mind. Life seems like a constantly healing journey. Something happens. You deal with it as best as you can. You recall it. You work through it. You move on and think about it. You heal from it...maybe.
Or maybe it's just my life. But I fee that life is constantly a list of lessons and then a test. So if you're always angry, and you say "Hey! I'll try not to be so angry!" A situation might arise that will test your anger and see if you've gotten better. Then again, I don't know if these things are brought into your life, it seems that things conjure up these feelings. But to me, I view them as things that seem to come along.
I also don't think it's something that is learned fairly quickly. To truly get it takes time. It's like learning any skill, you can say you're good at it but to truly master it takes years.
I'm saying all of this because my dad has been contacting me. If you don't know I haven't seen my dad in years! It took me so many years to come to understand my past (in the way I feel that it makes the most sense) and forgive my mom and dad both for a lot of the pain I felt growing up. I use to cry when I wrote about it, but I use to just write and write about how sad it made me. I did this alone, but I've reached out for help dealing with the emotional part of it.
I can say with confidence that I've gotten better, and I've said to myself that what they experienced together was not my fault. How they may have treated me was likely not they're intention, and understand that they have a responsibility in the matter.
As a child, it's always very likely we take on a very heavy burden of guilt and blaming ourselves for how things went growing up, and it takes a lot of time to truly sit down and say "okay! I have to see the situation for what it was! Not what I think it was!"
I did this for myself. And I have to say it's not too easy. But it's necessary because it can stifle your journey.
So anyways, he contacted me and I guess he's fearing for his life a bit. He actually found me through facebook. I knew something was off with the way he was talking, and he says his kidney is functioning at only about 59 percent.
Here's the thing, I have no car and I have no idea where he lives. I can ask, and I'm sure he'll tell me. But my mom is kind of a tough cookie. She's kind of the reason why we (me and my younger sister) had to stop talking to him. She had us lie to him, or else she'd get angry and we'd get in trouble, or she'd tell us not to talk to him or she'll send us off to live with him (far away from our school, and friend and such).
So my mom still talks about him quite negatively and so I'm sure to bring him up and me saying I'd like to see him wouldn't sit well with her. So I'm constantly telling him that if things work out, then I'll see him. But I can't truly say for sure at the moment how it will work out. I'm sure it will happen somehow though.
:) I always pretty much remember great things with my dad! And I cried so hard when I was younger. Then I suppressed those feelings. I also remember sitting alone in the closet playing with toys...by myself lol which sounds pretty sad. But I often felt very alone growing up. What's funny is that I do this now, and my family thinks I'm being a loner lol it's like "you're just realizing it now" xD
It's how I've become more artistically inclined. I would sit and doodle alone. Or play with my dolls, or watch a cartoon. It's also why I'm okay with being alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm an introverted extrovert lol I'm naturally an introvert, but I don't mind talking to people. Most people would probably think I'm outgoing, but at home I'm shut in my room learning something or just relaxing.
Anyways, back to the point! So I felt sad when he was talking about how he's getting old. :/ I don't think an age matters, but people will certainly try and convince me otherwise. The moment you let that number tell you what you are is the day you decide you let it take over you. That's not to say the body doesn't age, it does, but the mind can always be young.
So my life is like up and then down, and then up and then down again. Yet I feel it's how I choose to deal with the ups and down that really matter. It's not always easy and sometimes I get really bummed, but I try and pump myself up and see some good that can come from it. It actually helps to be honest!!
Anyway, I feel like my dad might have some regrets about the way things turned out. Yet I believe it happened to make me a stronger person. To be more dependent upon my own strength. This is something I saw in my birth chart. It even mentioned that he may have been absent in my life, but regardless I do wish my mom didn't allow her personal feelings to conflict with us seeing him. It made me feel so estranged to him. :/
I've told him that I don't blame him for anything. But I guess he just wants to see me and my sister. My younger sister doesn't care and she doesn't remember much from our childhood, but I don't mind seeing him. I think it can be a healing reunion :) Maybe sad and tear-jerking, but a healing reunion. I hope he had a lot of healing in his life and it was good to hear that he thought about us often despite the fact that he's married.
In the end, hearing this and seeing other people and hearing their stories, it seems to be one thing that's similar, that we all have a story and that we all have some form of healing to do. We work with each other, we create situations with each other (some not so good) that will challenge us. I guess I'm starting to see the connection little by little.
Viewing the world in this way helps me to feel a bit more connected to people. I honestly don't feel the need to say "That's weird" or "odd" despite the fact that I verbalize it. Internally I'm always saying "How interesting!"
So that's all I have to say. Happy healing everyone. Just keep trying your best. I feel at the end of this life, we are kind of graded on our progress and how well we did by our guides (whether or not we're aware of them or not...I can't say that I am, but I like to pretend that I am lol)
On that note, please take care of yourself.
Mon
So first I want to start by saying that I started working. To be honest I have absolutely no knowledge of anything dealing with it lol I'm a vet receptionist. So I have a lot to learn. Interestingly enough the doctor who interviewed me hired me for my personality even despite my lack of knowledge! I was so happy!
Sometimes I feel a bit discouraged due to my lack of knowledge that the other receptionist have, but I realize I have to be patient and understand it will take time. I'll say I feel like I often slow down work process with my constant questions and apologizing often, but I think it's necessary and they say they don't mind. I guess the only way I can truly help is to prove to them that I'm learning from what they've taught me.
Anyways! I came here not to type about that, but because a thought came to my mind. Life seems like a constantly healing journey. Something happens. You deal with it as best as you can. You recall it. You work through it. You move on and think about it. You heal from it...maybe.
Or maybe it's just my life. But I fee that life is constantly a list of lessons and then a test. So if you're always angry, and you say "Hey! I'll try not to be so angry!" A situation might arise that will test your anger and see if you've gotten better. Then again, I don't know if these things are brought into your life, it seems that things conjure up these feelings. But to me, I view them as things that seem to come along.
I also don't think it's something that is learned fairly quickly. To truly get it takes time. It's like learning any skill, you can say you're good at it but to truly master it takes years.
I'm saying all of this because my dad has been contacting me. If you don't know I haven't seen my dad in years! It took me so many years to come to understand my past (in the way I feel that it makes the most sense) and forgive my mom and dad both for a lot of the pain I felt growing up. I use to cry when I wrote about it, but I use to just write and write about how sad it made me. I did this alone, but I've reached out for help dealing with the emotional part of it.
I can say with confidence that I've gotten better, and I've said to myself that what they experienced together was not my fault. How they may have treated me was likely not they're intention, and understand that they have a responsibility in the matter.
As a child, it's always very likely we take on a very heavy burden of guilt and blaming ourselves for how things went growing up, and it takes a lot of time to truly sit down and say "okay! I have to see the situation for what it was! Not what I think it was!"
I did this for myself. And I have to say it's not too easy. But it's necessary because it can stifle your journey.
So anyways, he contacted me and I guess he's fearing for his life a bit. He actually found me through facebook. I knew something was off with the way he was talking, and he says his kidney is functioning at only about 59 percent.
Here's the thing, I have no car and I have no idea where he lives. I can ask, and I'm sure he'll tell me. But my mom is kind of a tough cookie. She's kind of the reason why we (me and my younger sister) had to stop talking to him. She had us lie to him, or else she'd get angry and we'd get in trouble, or she'd tell us not to talk to him or she'll send us off to live with him (far away from our school, and friend and such).
So my mom still talks about him quite negatively and so I'm sure to bring him up and me saying I'd like to see him wouldn't sit well with her. So I'm constantly telling him that if things work out, then I'll see him. But I can't truly say for sure at the moment how it will work out. I'm sure it will happen somehow though.
:) I always pretty much remember great things with my dad! And I cried so hard when I was younger. Then I suppressed those feelings. I also remember sitting alone in the closet playing with toys...by myself lol which sounds pretty sad. But I often felt very alone growing up. What's funny is that I do this now, and my family thinks I'm being a loner lol it's like "you're just realizing it now" xD
It's how I've become more artistically inclined. I would sit and doodle alone. Or play with my dolls, or watch a cartoon. It's also why I'm okay with being alone.
Don't get me wrong, I'm an introverted extrovert lol I'm naturally an introvert, but I don't mind talking to people. Most people would probably think I'm outgoing, but at home I'm shut in my room learning something or just relaxing.
Anyways, back to the point! So I felt sad when he was talking about how he's getting old. :/ I don't think an age matters, but people will certainly try and convince me otherwise. The moment you let that number tell you what you are is the day you decide you let it take over you. That's not to say the body doesn't age, it does, but the mind can always be young.
So my life is like up and then down, and then up and then down again. Yet I feel it's how I choose to deal with the ups and down that really matter. It's not always easy and sometimes I get really bummed, but I try and pump myself up and see some good that can come from it. It actually helps to be honest!!
Anyway, I feel like my dad might have some regrets about the way things turned out. Yet I believe it happened to make me a stronger person. To be more dependent upon my own strength. This is something I saw in my birth chart. It even mentioned that he may have been absent in my life, but regardless I do wish my mom didn't allow her personal feelings to conflict with us seeing him. It made me feel so estranged to him. :/
I've told him that I don't blame him for anything. But I guess he just wants to see me and my sister. My younger sister doesn't care and she doesn't remember much from our childhood, but I don't mind seeing him. I think it can be a healing reunion :) Maybe sad and tear-jerking, but a healing reunion. I hope he had a lot of healing in his life and it was good to hear that he thought about us often despite the fact that he's married.
In the end, hearing this and seeing other people and hearing their stories, it seems to be one thing that's similar, that we all have a story and that we all have some form of healing to do. We work with each other, we create situations with each other (some not so good) that will challenge us. I guess I'm starting to see the connection little by little.
Viewing the world in this way helps me to feel a bit more connected to people. I honestly don't feel the need to say "That's weird" or "odd" despite the fact that I verbalize it. Internally I'm always saying "How interesting!"
So that's all I have to say. Happy healing everyone. Just keep trying your best. I feel at the end of this life, we are kind of graded on our progress and how well we did by our guides (whether or not we're aware of them or not...I can't say that I am, but I like to pretend that I am lol)
On that note, please take care of yourself.
Mon
Monday, September 17, 2018
Spirits
Woo!
First I'd like to say that I'm feeling great, if not a little tired, but great overall! Today I had a job interview, and can I just say that I actually kind of like interviews. Getting past the actual interview and actually just talking to the person and the people around me is pretty great. I get super happy. Anyway, the job interview was at an Animal Clinic and there was a golden retriever in the room during the entire interview. He kept trying to get close to me and placed his head on my lap and left fur all on my black outfit lol the interviewer had to hold him. I guess I have the effect on animals *blows nails* lol
I'll be going in tomorrow to see what their hectic day is like. I'll just say this, I'm usually excited for new things. When I speak, it's so odd, but I often say "I don't want to do this and that" because I assume it's boring, but when I get there I have fun. The me in the real world is the total opposite of the comfortable me online! It's why when I type online I'm much more open. My sister has commented, the first time she typed to me online, on how my personality is different.
I wouldn't say I'm...different, just more reserved in person. I'm often just taking things in. Then when I become comfortable I'm open like how I am here. But I'm often feeling to see how things come to me, such as if someone is feeling uncomfortable, or if something happened to this person, I start to wonder what's the best way to deal with them. Things like that. So it's very odd but my family don't get this lol I'm usually in my room and they assume I don't want to be bothered. This is true to some extent, and only when I'm working on something, but there's usually never anything wrong with me.
Anyways! To the point of this blog. Years ago I was very very interested in metaphysics. I would visit my local library often and take out books on the topic and was so fascinated by what I was reading. Yet there were a lot of things I would think "But..." and "Yeah but..." because I was also skeptic of a lot of the things, as fascinated as I was.
Yet a lot of what I read tended to give answers to things in a way that seemed to make sense to me. Back then I also noticed connections from one book to another, or I'd savage the internet for new information and saw that the similar things would could up. You can say "Oh, but they all may be reading from the same book." and I would say that it's the book of the universe that they're reading from lol
I'm watching this video now about this man and how he found out he is a psychic medium (he has the word "was" in the title, and I seriously don't know why he's talking about himself in past tense), and I thought about how adorable his reactions were to the strange occurrence that happened throughout his daily life. I was also happy that he actually noticed the signs and started thinking about how people miss the signs, or they don't pay attention to them. I'm under the impression that we all posses spiritual abilities, but we think that only a select few has these abilities.
I've come to accept that this is false. We just miss the signs or don't understand that we're being given signs. We also have to work on improving our abilities. It's like going to a foreign country and then you stop using your own language. After years and years of doing this, going back to your own country and hearing the language may sound foreign to you.
Also, some people may have a stronger ability in one area or another. I will say that I'm curious to the people who are born and they still have a heighten sense of awareness for the 4th dimension. Even then, some of them may be more terrified of their ability or just want to tuck it away and have nothing to do with it. I get it, mainly because we live in a separate reality, and not everyone is aware of it, or their religious beliefs are against it. This I understand. From what I've learned, it helps to have a balance between living in the human world and not getting too caught up in the spiritual one, or living too much in the human world and neglecting the spiritual aspect of yourself.
I kind of have nothing against either. I literally have no troubles with the way people choose to live their lives as long as they aren't causing harm to another person...or themselves.
I think people with a strong awareness are here to show us that other realms do exist and that there are abilities to gain access in order to view it.
But this man in the video, he responded in a way I would typically assume someone would response: in disbelief, in skepticism or in thinking certain things happen coincidentally.
But it's impossible for things to be this easy?? Don't worry I felt the same way. I don't claim to be astute in the realm of things, but I think I get the general idea. I had so many disbelief about it, but it's when I started to wonder why I thought it was so bizarre that it led me down an even longer rabbit hole. Because it made me question myself, it made me wonder why couldn't these things be true.
The benefit to this is that I started to look for connections to factual information. Using science or things based from the real world as a means to say "Okay, this seems sound" is something that helped me.
It is tough to believe in something you can't see, but there are plenty of things in the world that I can't see, but believe in. Take air for example. I can only see the remnants of my breath after blowing our air in the cold of winter, and when huffing and puffing on a glass, but only then. What if the same conditions held true for seeing a realm outside of our own??
Is it so far-fetched?
I don't mind skeptics, honestly it helps to reanalyze, but because I have an imagination and I work in the art, I think this is a benefit for me. I believe, but I can understand why some people wouldn't. I think this is odd, but because I like to craft up characters for stories, and craft up my reasons why they think and behave a certain way, it helps me to understand people as well lol
So if you're like me, you'd probably wonder what's the point in getting in contact with the spiritual realm? Well, one of the most obvious one would be that people can reconnect with loved ones. It's not like their in some far off world, and they can literally sit and have a chat with you. Or they can send you message and signs. The difference is that they aren't here physically, and because we're physical beings, it seems odd.
Next, it can be for guidance and expanding knowledge. Not only can you learn more on the physical plane with physical people, but with spirits as well. I've once read that it's not uncommon for a spirit to stay with you for a bit to lend some knowledge in certain aspects of your life. I'd like to think that I have artist stopping by (I'm not claiming it's true, but boy I would like to continue to believe this lol). Beyond this, they can help you with your spiritual teachings as well. My impression is that, just like a teacher in the physical, they aren't going to do the work for you. You won't learn otherwise. They'll just probably give you advice on certain aspect of your life that can be altered in order to help you succeed.
And last but not least, past talents! lol I don't know about you, but this is the part I'm most interested in xDD Your soul will never lose any of the talents it's acquired in your past lives. I would say past lives are a benefit, but I feel they're more like a tool of sorts. I once read that a lady had a talent in making butter, due to one of her past lives. The person who helped regress her didn't seem to interested in this tidbit of information, but I think she saw it was impressive enough to share. Do you know how cool it would be to know that you were someone that helped build houses, or had knowledge in a different field? To me, it would be like going to a bookstore or a library! I'm literally a fan of knowledge...on particular topics that is lol And it really depends on what I'm feeling up to.
So why would you want to deny something like this when there's benefits to it? I get it if you want to live in the physical realm, but imagine living in both. One, it will make transitions from life to the other side so much easier, because you know we're you're going and you realize it isn't something you should fear. Two, you'll understand other much more than you would if you continued thinking they're separate from you (they're life lesson is different from yours, it doesn't mean you two are separated. You're both students). Three, you life will not stop. You can still go shopping. You can still travel. You can still hangout with friends, etc.
Four, you won't have to turn to someone else to gain an understanding of what you're learning. You can still get advice and suggestions, but you won't doubt yourself as much.
Mainly it's adding more to your life. It only takes a bit of work. Yet I'll never knock someone for not wanting to do something, but I see the benefits as more rewarding.
I think it takes confidence. But I'm seeing a lot more confidence nowadays. So things are looking up a bit, that isn't to say I don't think we have some ways to go, but I will say that as long as I can see glimmers of light, I'm hopefully. Thanks viewing a video about D.I.D, it led me to this man's video haha
For me personally, I'd love to get in touch with the spiritual realm. Just as much as I'd like to learn more about the physically. For me though, I love the physical world despite some of the hardships and destruction, etc, I like it.
Mainly I think the hardships wouldn't exist if people knew how to behave properly. If some people weren't greedy and if some people were much more understanding, and compassionate. If people possessed these qualities we wouldn't have to be suspicious or on our toes. If people didn't have ill-intentions or wanted to do harm to another, we wouldn't have to feel we have to resort to our survival instincts.
I think it's more an inner struggle than an outer. I won't tell people to just trust anyone, and it's simply due to some people not being trustworthy. But if people were less likely to lie, less likely to want to steal, if people were able to get the help they need, if some people weren't mistreated as young children, if some people weren't bullied or any other horrible things, I think we'd be well on our way. But because these things happen that I have to say we have some ways to go. I do think being a bit more spiritual helps.
As said this time and time again, I'm not against religions of any sorts. At one point I've even gotten to a point where I said "What if all religious Gods just got together and hung out from time to time?" I even liked to believe that there are as many Gods in this world as is needed to make people feel happy. But people like to believe there is only ONE GOD, and no other. People aren't able to believe in any other God, but MY GOD.
Again, I don't mind this. If it gives someone a peace of mind and it helps guide them in life to a more morally and ethical life, I don't mind. To me, when religion is done properly, those people have a peace of mind. I've had friends who were quite religious and they never tried to convert me. If you don't know, I use to claim to be Baptist, I relinquished it because I don't think it's necessary for me.
Religious practices are okay. Praying is okay. I feel a sense of honor when people are faithful to their religion. I'm happy for them.
I'm also not against atheist either. They're more set in solid, and some are pretty realistic in terms of the physical. It seems they usually posses a lot of common sense.
Overall, I don't care what you believe in, as long as you can be respectful. I'm more interested in someone's character. Someone's intentions are much more important to me.
So these are my thoughts. Are they wrong or right? I think they're of love, and to me, this is most important. It's also why I don't mind religions when it gives people a peace of mind. These things give me a peace of mind. So yep! I don't know if they're true or not, but I'd like to say that if I see a consistent connection of similarities, I'd like to assume their some truth to it.
I will add one more thing. Socrates (I literally love this man he was awesome lol) had a way of showing people just how ignorant they truly are, all the while claiming he knew nothing at all. I honestly think he saw faults in the way some people were thinking and called them out on it, and because he never claimed to be knowledgeable or vain, he never looked ignorant. He claimed to wanted to understand things, but I think he understood a lot more than he was willing to admit :) He was a sly guy. My mom honestly can't stand him xDD But I think it's because he would call her out on a few things.
Mon
First I'd like to say that I'm feeling great, if not a little tired, but great overall! Today I had a job interview, and can I just say that I actually kind of like interviews. Getting past the actual interview and actually just talking to the person and the people around me is pretty great. I get super happy. Anyway, the job interview was at an Animal Clinic and there was a golden retriever in the room during the entire interview. He kept trying to get close to me and placed his head on my lap and left fur all on my black outfit lol the interviewer had to hold him. I guess I have the effect on animals *blows nails* lol
I'll be going in tomorrow to see what their hectic day is like. I'll just say this, I'm usually excited for new things. When I speak, it's so odd, but I often say "I don't want to do this and that" because I assume it's boring, but when I get there I have fun. The me in the real world is the total opposite of the comfortable me online! It's why when I type online I'm much more open. My sister has commented, the first time she typed to me online, on how my personality is different.
I wouldn't say I'm...different, just more reserved in person. I'm often just taking things in. Then when I become comfortable I'm open like how I am here. But I'm often feeling to see how things come to me, such as if someone is feeling uncomfortable, or if something happened to this person, I start to wonder what's the best way to deal with them. Things like that. So it's very odd but my family don't get this lol I'm usually in my room and they assume I don't want to be bothered. This is true to some extent, and only when I'm working on something, but there's usually never anything wrong with me.
Anyways! To the point of this blog. Years ago I was very very interested in metaphysics. I would visit my local library often and take out books on the topic and was so fascinated by what I was reading. Yet there were a lot of things I would think "But..." and "Yeah but..." because I was also skeptic of a lot of the things, as fascinated as I was.
Yet a lot of what I read tended to give answers to things in a way that seemed to make sense to me. Back then I also noticed connections from one book to another, or I'd savage the internet for new information and saw that the similar things would could up. You can say "Oh, but they all may be reading from the same book." and I would say that it's the book of the universe that they're reading from lol
I'm watching this video now about this man and how he found out he is a psychic medium (he has the word "was" in the title, and I seriously don't know why he's talking about himself in past tense), and I thought about how adorable his reactions were to the strange occurrence that happened throughout his daily life. I was also happy that he actually noticed the signs and started thinking about how people miss the signs, or they don't pay attention to them. I'm under the impression that we all posses spiritual abilities, but we think that only a select few has these abilities.
I've come to accept that this is false. We just miss the signs or don't understand that we're being given signs. We also have to work on improving our abilities. It's like going to a foreign country and then you stop using your own language. After years and years of doing this, going back to your own country and hearing the language may sound foreign to you.
Also, some people may have a stronger ability in one area or another. I will say that I'm curious to the people who are born and they still have a heighten sense of awareness for the 4th dimension. Even then, some of them may be more terrified of their ability or just want to tuck it away and have nothing to do with it. I get it, mainly because we live in a separate reality, and not everyone is aware of it, or their religious beliefs are against it. This I understand. From what I've learned, it helps to have a balance between living in the human world and not getting too caught up in the spiritual one, or living too much in the human world and neglecting the spiritual aspect of yourself.
I kind of have nothing against either. I literally have no troubles with the way people choose to live their lives as long as they aren't causing harm to another person...or themselves.
I think people with a strong awareness are here to show us that other realms do exist and that there are abilities to gain access in order to view it.
But this man in the video, he responded in a way I would typically assume someone would response: in disbelief, in skepticism or in thinking certain things happen coincidentally.
But it's impossible for things to be this easy?? Don't worry I felt the same way. I don't claim to be astute in the realm of things, but I think I get the general idea. I had so many disbelief about it, but it's when I started to wonder why I thought it was so bizarre that it led me down an even longer rabbit hole. Because it made me question myself, it made me wonder why couldn't these things be true.
The benefit to this is that I started to look for connections to factual information. Using science or things based from the real world as a means to say "Okay, this seems sound" is something that helped me.
It is tough to believe in something you can't see, but there are plenty of things in the world that I can't see, but believe in. Take air for example. I can only see the remnants of my breath after blowing our air in the cold of winter, and when huffing and puffing on a glass, but only then. What if the same conditions held true for seeing a realm outside of our own??
Is it so far-fetched?
I don't mind skeptics, honestly it helps to reanalyze, but because I have an imagination and I work in the art, I think this is a benefit for me. I believe, but I can understand why some people wouldn't. I think this is odd, but because I like to craft up characters for stories, and craft up my reasons why they think and behave a certain way, it helps me to understand people as well lol
So if you're like me, you'd probably wonder what's the point in getting in contact with the spiritual realm? Well, one of the most obvious one would be that people can reconnect with loved ones. It's not like their in some far off world, and they can literally sit and have a chat with you. Or they can send you message and signs. The difference is that they aren't here physically, and because we're physical beings, it seems odd.
Next, it can be for guidance and expanding knowledge. Not only can you learn more on the physical plane with physical people, but with spirits as well. I've once read that it's not uncommon for a spirit to stay with you for a bit to lend some knowledge in certain aspects of your life. I'd like to think that I have artist stopping by (I'm not claiming it's true, but boy I would like to continue to believe this lol). Beyond this, they can help you with your spiritual teachings as well. My impression is that, just like a teacher in the physical, they aren't going to do the work for you. You won't learn otherwise. They'll just probably give you advice on certain aspect of your life that can be altered in order to help you succeed.
And last but not least, past talents! lol I don't know about you, but this is the part I'm most interested in xDD Your soul will never lose any of the talents it's acquired in your past lives. I would say past lives are a benefit, but I feel they're more like a tool of sorts. I once read that a lady had a talent in making butter, due to one of her past lives. The person who helped regress her didn't seem to interested in this tidbit of information, but I think she saw it was impressive enough to share. Do you know how cool it would be to know that you were someone that helped build houses, or had knowledge in a different field? To me, it would be like going to a bookstore or a library! I'm literally a fan of knowledge...on particular topics that is lol And it really depends on what I'm feeling up to.
So why would you want to deny something like this when there's benefits to it? I get it if you want to live in the physical realm, but imagine living in both. One, it will make transitions from life to the other side so much easier, because you know we're you're going and you realize it isn't something you should fear. Two, you'll understand other much more than you would if you continued thinking they're separate from you (they're life lesson is different from yours, it doesn't mean you two are separated. You're both students). Three, you life will not stop. You can still go shopping. You can still travel. You can still hangout with friends, etc.
Four, you won't have to turn to someone else to gain an understanding of what you're learning. You can still get advice and suggestions, but you won't doubt yourself as much.
Mainly it's adding more to your life. It only takes a bit of work. Yet I'll never knock someone for not wanting to do something, but I see the benefits as more rewarding.
I think it takes confidence. But I'm seeing a lot more confidence nowadays. So things are looking up a bit, that isn't to say I don't think we have some ways to go, but I will say that as long as I can see glimmers of light, I'm hopefully. Thanks viewing a video about D.I.D, it led me to this man's video haha
For me personally, I'd love to get in touch with the spiritual realm. Just as much as I'd like to learn more about the physically. For me though, I love the physical world despite some of the hardships and destruction, etc, I like it.
Mainly I think the hardships wouldn't exist if people knew how to behave properly. If some people weren't greedy and if some people were much more understanding, and compassionate. If people possessed these qualities we wouldn't have to be suspicious or on our toes. If people didn't have ill-intentions or wanted to do harm to another, we wouldn't have to feel we have to resort to our survival instincts.
I think it's more an inner struggle than an outer. I won't tell people to just trust anyone, and it's simply due to some people not being trustworthy. But if people were less likely to lie, less likely to want to steal, if people were able to get the help they need, if some people weren't mistreated as young children, if some people weren't bullied or any other horrible things, I think we'd be well on our way. But because these things happen that I have to say we have some ways to go. I do think being a bit more spiritual helps.
As said this time and time again, I'm not against religions of any sorts. At one point I've even gotten to a point where I said "What if all religious Gods just got together and hung out from time to time?" I even liked to believe that there are as many Gods in this world as is needed to make people feel happy. But people like to believe there is only ONE GOD, and no other. People aren't able to believe in any other God, but MY GOD.
Again, I don't mind this. If it gives someone a peace of mind and it helps guide them in life to a more morally and ethical life, I don't mind. To me, when religion is done properly, those people have a peace of mind. I've had friends who were quite religious and they never tried to convert me. If you don't know, I use to claim to be Baptist, I relinquished it because I don't think it's necessary for me.
Religious practices are okay. Praying is okay. I feel a sense of honor when people are faithful to their religion. I'm happy for them.
I'm also not against atheist either. They're more set in solid, and some are pretty realistic in terms of the physical. It seems they usually posses a lot of common sense.
Overall, I don't care what you believe in, as long as you can be respectful. I'm more interested in someone's character. Someone's intentions are much more important to me.
So these are my thoughts. Are they wrong or right? I think they're of love, and to me, this is most important. It's also why I don't mind religions when it gives people a peace of mind. These things give me a peace of mind. So yep! I don't know if they're true or not, but I'd like to say that if I see a consistent connection of similarities, I'd like to assume their some truth to it.
I will add one more thing. Socrates (I literally love this man he was awesome lol) had a way of showing people just how ignorant they truly are, all the while claiming he knew nothing at all. I honestly think he saw faults in the way some people were thinking and called them out on it, and because he never claimed to be knowledgeable or vain, he never looked ignorant. He claimed to wanted to understand things, but I think he understood a lot more than he was willing to admit :) He was a sly guy. My mom honestly can't stand him xDD But I think it's because he would call her out on a few things.
Mon
Saturday, September 8, 2018
No more stories + Hives update
Hello fellow bloggers?? Or like, people of the world! Hi!
How are you?
Me? I'm doing pretty good.
As you can see I'm in a great mood this evening. :) No reason in particular. I've decided for my writing sessions (the 10 minute ones) I'll do them alone and not post them here. Mainly because sometimes I don't feel like opening up my laptop. It'd be much easier to just whip out a good old fashion pen and a good old fashion piece of paper and write (plus it's good for my motor skills! What? *clears throat*
On another note, I've decided to start up on meditating again. I haven't done it in a looonggg time, years perhaps. Mainly because I was wondering if I was reaping any benefits from doing it, but I guess it takes time to gain any kind of results.
So I had my first 5 minute session this evening and let me tell you I kept thinking "Are the 5 minutes up yet?" lol I didn't think that thought would come to mind. I think I'll do five minutes every day for a few months. Mainly because in my mind I'm sure five minutes isn't nothing. Plus, it's more of actually doing it and being consistent than anything.
I do most of my work in the evening because it's usually very quiet and everyone is asleep. I consider myself a night owl because of this, but it's truly the only time everyone in the neighborhood is quiet too. Ever so often I'll hear the neighbors letting their puppies out (training them), but it's nothing too bad. The neighborhood is usually pretty quiet for the most part anyways, but I still prefer the night.
Anyway, my first session went okay. I kept wondering if I set my alarm for five minutes. Then I started to wonder what I'll write about, etc. For my sessions I decided to do what I use to, and that's to focus my attention on a candle's flame. It's easier, plus it gives me something to do other than focusing on my breathing. I find focusing on an object is better for me. Overall, I think all that matters is allowing the thoughts to just fly on by without lingering on them right? I've never truly understood what meditation was all about, but I'd like to think it's a moment to just allow yourself to be without any judgement or thoughts. Just being in the moment.
Today my mom actually got me a purifier T_T for the air in my room. I hope it helps! Because I've been still dealing with hives, and overall I just feel my body is kind of off. It's really bugging me. I like to think that our spiritual body is a reflection of of physical body...or what I mean is that if something is out of whack with our spiritual centers, then it causes issues for our physical bodies.
I looked it up and it seems it might be my third chakra (the navel chakra). I wouldn't be surprised, because I have been very stressed and constantly worrying about finding work, completing work, etc. I honestly don't see how people can do this on the daily. I'd like to relax more often, but I gotta get things moving.
Besides this, I've been stressed about the hives themselves! Sometimes my face will swell up very badly and it will take the entire day to go down. This part is the most annoying because I will never know if it will happen before a job interview. I've been thinking "what if I get a job? And my face swells up or I have welts all over my arms and people see it and think I'm sick or something?" lol
It can really take a toll. So my mom says that perhaps it's the air in my room and finally caved in to get a purifier. On Monday I may go see someone about my health. I'm hoping the purifier will help to some extent. At the start of the year it was only my legs that would break out, then it started to happen on my back. Now it can happen on my legs, arms, back, stomach, neck and face.
When that happens my heart starts racing and my chest will start hurting. .__. it's quite annoying and I'm afraid to sleep because my heart would be pounding. I looked it up and saw that this can happen.I don't know why, but it does. Even taking antihistamines don't help sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't say they don't help, they do, but if I take them after having already broken out, it will take a while to kick in and for the welts to go down.
It happened yesterday evening. I had to be up at 8 a.m. this morning and it happen! I didn't get to sleep until about 2 a.m. after I broke up very badly at about 11 p.m. During that time I had taken a antihistamine I think at about 11 p.m., because it's common for me to break out around this time, and it started happening anyways. I had to stay up in order to wait for the swelling to go down and my chest to stop hurting.
I woke up really sleepy, but I became wide awake when I saw my nephew!! lol I guess the energy of children is infectious. You don't need coffee, just spend some time with kids xD Lol they're naturally a ball of caffeine on legs!
I'm interested to see how this evening goes. So far nothing. I purchased this humidity reader for my room and it turns out the humidity in my room is %70 which is actually pretty high. On the packaging it states that humidity levels past %60 are a breeding ground for mod, pest and other things, so this could be an issue too.
I was under the assumption that the mold that happened in our basement was probably an issue for me. Because it was around this time that everything started happening. (;___;) Sometimes I'm wallowing in my own self-pity and think "what a sensitive body I have" lol For example, once I dropped a penny on my foot and it scratched me and left a mark. I was like "WTF!?"
It bothers me that my sister and mom aren't affected by this. But then again, I wonder if it's the humidity. Because the same thing happened even when I went to stay with my older sister for a week. Then when we went out for a three day trip it still happened. Or rather, it was very minimal. Perhaps it is stress and my body is feeling the effects. But how long do I have to relax in order to not be stressed? Like if there a manual for this?? lol I assume that if I play a video game, or watch a few shows, that should help with my stress, but I guess it goes further than that.
Well, I'm trying. I've been eating more fruit and drinking tea instead of coffee. I think it could be a number of things. The issue that I saw, from reading online, is that some people, when they go get examined, they aren't given a specific reason as to what it is...or rather, they'd be told it's one thing, but it's not. So they start taking medication. I do not want to do this!
I believe we can self medicate for the most part. Not everything needs a drug to be cured. I'm not saying I'm against pharmaceuticals, but seriously do you listen to all those side effects? Lol at the end of the day, yo'd probably just be better off.
For example, when I went in at the start of this year for a diagnosis and found out I have hive, the doctor prescribed me like three or four different prescriptions. Some of them I looked at and was like "What the heck is this?!" and I checked the side effects and just chucked those in the depths of my closet in a bag lol One of them was steroids, and as I recall, steroids have side effects as well. I'm breaking out in welts, I'm not losing a arm or anything. All of that wasn't necessary.
In the end I ended up only taking the antihistamine because I researched this medicine and it was the less severe of all of the prescriptions. The only side effect is that it would make me very very sleepy. Because of this, I would often take it only at night.
So at the moment I am sort of breaking out on my hands. This says to me that perhaps it could be the humidity. Why the heck am I self diagnosing myself lol It's kind of fun, I'd like to get to a solution overall.
That's all for now.
G'night
How are you?
Me? I'm doing pretty good.
As you can see I'm in a great mood this evening. :) No reason in particular. I've decided for my writing sessions (the 10 minute ones) I'll do them alone and not post them here. Mainly because sometimes I don't feel like opening up my laptop. It'd be much easier to just whip out a good old fashion pen and a good old fashion piece of paper and write (plus it's good for my motor skills! What? *clears throat*
On another note, I've decided to start up on meditating again. I haven't done it in a looonggg time, years perhaps. Mainly because I was wondering if I was reaping any benefits from doing it, but I guess it takes time to gain any kind of results.
So I had my first 5 minute session this evening and let me tell you I kept thinking "Are the 5 minutes up yet?" lol I didn't think that thought would come to mind. I think I'll do five minutes every day for a few months. Mainly because in my mind I'm sure five minutes isn't nothing. Plus, it's more of actually doing it and being consistent than anything.
I do most of my work in the evening because it's usually very quiet and everyone is asleep. I consider myself a night owl because of this, but it's truly the only time everyone in the neighborhood is quiet too. Ever so often I'll hear the neighbors letting their puppies out (training them), but it's nothing too bad. The neighborhood is usually pretty quiet for the most part anyways, but I still prefer the night.
Anyway, my first session went okay. I kept wondering if I set my alarm for five minutes. Then I started to wonder what I'll write about, etc. For my sessions I decided to do what I use to, and that's to focus my attention on a candle's flame. It's easier, plus it gives me something to do other than focusing on my breathing. I find focusing on an object is better for me. Overall, I think all that matters is allowing the thoughts to just fly on by without lingering on them right? I've never truly understood what meditation was all about, but I'd like to think it's a moment to just allow yourself to be without any judgement or thoughts. Just being in the moment.
Today my mom actually got me a purifier T_T for the air in my room. I hope it helps! Because I've been still dealing with hives, and overall I just feel my body is kind of off. It's really bugging me. I like to think that our spiritual body is a reflection of of physical body...or what I mean is that if something is out of whack with our spiritual centers, then it causes issues for our physical bodies.
I looked it up and it seems it might be my third chakra (the navel chakra). I wouldn't be surprised, because I have been very stressed and constantly worrying about finding work, completing work, etc. I honestly don't see how people can do this on the daily. I'd like to relax more often, but I gotta get things moving.
Besides this, I've been stressed about the hives themselves! Sometimes my face will swell up very badly and it will take the entire day to go down. This part is the most annoying because I will never know if it will happen before a job interview. I've been thinking "what if I get a job? And my face swells up or I have welts all over my arms and people see it and think I'm sick or something?" lol
It can really take a toll. So my mom says that perhaps it's the air in my room and finally caved in to get a purifier. On Monday I may go see someone about my health. I'm hoping the purifier will help to some extent. At the start of the year it was only my legs that would break out, then it started to happen on my back. Now it can happen on my legs, arms, back, stomach, neck and face.
When that happens my heart starts racing and my chest will start hurting. .__. it's quite annoying and I'm afraid to sleep because my heart would be pounding. I looked it up and saw that this can happen.I don't know why, but it does. Even taking antihistamines don't help sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't say they don't help, they do, but if I take them after having already broken out, it will take a while to kick in and for the welts to go down.
It happened yesterday evening. I had to be up at 8 a.m. this morning and it happen! I didn't get to sleep until about 2 a.m. after I broke up very badly at about 11 p.m. During that time I had taken a antihistamine I think at about 11 p.m., because it's common for me to break out around this time, and it started happening anyways. I had to stay up in order to wait for the swelling to go down and my chest to stop hurting.
I woke up really sleepy, but I became wide awake when I saw my nephew!! lol I guess the energy of children is infectious. You don't need coffee, just spend some time with kids xD Lol they're naturally a ball of caffeine on legs!
I'm interested to see how this evening goes. So far nothing. I purchased this humidity reader for my room and it turns out the humidity in my room is %70 which is actually pretty high. On the packaging it states that humidity levels past %60 are a breeding ground for mod, pest and other things, so this could be an issue too.
I was under the assumption that the mold that happened in our basement was probably an issue for me. Because it was around this time that everything started happening. (;___;) Sometimes I'm wallowing in my own self-pity and think "what a sensitive body I have" lol For example, once I dropped a penny on my foot and it scratched me and left a mark. I was like "WTF!?"
It bothers me that my sister and mom aren't affected by this. But then again, I wonder if it's the humidity. Because the same thing happened even when I went to stay with my older sister for a week. Then when we went out for a three day trip it still happened. Or rather, it was very minimal. Perhaps it is stress and my body is feeling the effects. But how long do I have to relax in order to not be stressed? Like if there a manual for this?? lol I assume that if I play a video game, or watch a few shows, that should help with my stress, but I guess it goes further than that.
Well, I'm trying. I've been eating more fruit and drinking tea instead of coffee. I think it could be a number of things. The issue that I saw, from reading online, is that some people, when they go get examined, they aren't given a specific reason as to what it is...or rather, they'd be told it's one thing, but it's not. So they start taking medication. I do not want to do this!
I believe we can self medicate for the most part. Not everything needs a drug to be cured. I'm not saying I'm against pharmaceuticals, but seriously do you listen to all those side effects? Lol at the end of the day, yo'd probably just be better off.
For example, when I went in at the start of this year for a diagnosis and found out I have hive, the doctor prescribed me like three or four different prescriptions. Some of them I looked at and was like "What the heck is this?!" and I checked the side effects and just chucked those in the depths of my closet in a bag lol One of them was steroids, and as I recall, steroids have side effects as well. I'm breaking out in welts, I'm not losing a arm or anything. All of that wasn't necessary.
In the end I ended up only taking the antihistamine because I researched this medicine and it was the less severe of all of the prescriptions. The only side effect is that it would make me very very sleepy. Because of this, I would often take it only at night.
So at the moment I am sort of breaking out on my hands. This says to me that perhaps it could be the humidity. Why the heck am I self diagnosing myself lol It's kind of fun, I'd like to get to a solution overall.
That's all for now.
G'night
Wednesday, September 5, 2018
Planning for Day 4
Day 4
Think of two very different people you know. Invent a character who combines characteristics of both of them. Then put this character in a stressful family situation...
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This is the next scenario! I'm gonna need some time to construct a decent character using the two people I have in mind. I think the stressful situation is what I need the most time to plan out. Then I'll do my 10 minutes. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to plan things out this way, but the exercise is pretty much just typing for 10 minutes a day, so I guess as long as that gets done it doesn't matter how I go about it. I mean, I'm not even posting a thing everyday haha but it's because I'm working on other things. I'm just doing a lot of planning.
I was thinking, if there are people who also enjoy reading/writing and happens to stumble onto this blog, please feel free to do your own free-writing. You can also post your 10 minute exercise below. :) I'd love to read them.
Above all else, I think these exercises aren't meant to be taken seriously. It's to get the creative juices flowing and to not procrastinate from writing. It's just to get a person up and going. I try to work on a little bit of some of the things I'd like to improve on. Recently I found that I haven't touched a pair of knitting needles nor crochet hook in months! This has to stop lol I learned to much and I'm sure if I picked up a hook or needles I wouldn't even know how to create a simple slipknot. So I want to get back into this.
I also watched an interesting video by a youtuber by the name Thoughty2 on the topic of procrastination. He said back in ancient Greece people believed procrastination was necessary, so they sought to do it often. Watching the video helped me to realize that procrastination isn't a bad thing, but it can create laziness if one doesn't do something at least for a short time everyday. Procrastination is our brains way of relieving stress.
During the past months, I use to have a tough time just relaxing without the constant thought of getting some kind of work done. I think this may have caused me to stress a bit, because if I wasn't busy I'd feel unproductive, but now I'm relaxing a lot more and to be honest I'm like "I haven't done anything in two days.Am I okay?" So now I actively seek to at least devote some time to a project I haven't completed.
I'm not going to rush to finish the projects, but I want to complete at least complete a piece of it to a certain extent. Any effort is a step forward.
He also stated in the video, that we should manage larger task into tiny bite size pieces. It's not something I haven't heard before, but I think when it comes to a huge project, say for example, crocheting a blanket, it may seem like it will take forever (which is why I've stuck to knitting/crocheting scarfs lol), but if we say "I'll just do 10 rows today", and stick with that everyday, eventually the task will get done. It simply takes perseverance, which is something I lack.
I can't help but feel a larger project will take a lot of time and effort, but I think the payout will be great. I just think it will take quite a bit of time. For example, I have this 2D animation I haven't completed. It's been years! lol I remember telling my teacher "I'll show the class when I'm done" xD It's something that can't happen seeing as I graduated. I'll have to manage my time if I want to fit these task in my days. I'd love to finish it, but it's literally every time consuming, but I think once I'm in my zone, I'll put in some good effort. I'll more than likely have to plan on which days I'd like to work on each of my projects.
Anyways, if it's any reassurance to anyone out there wanting to work on a project that is constantly pushed back, just know you aren't alone. :) All that matters is that you just keep picking it up and putting more and more towards it at a time.
Mon
Think of two very different people you know. Invent a character who combines characteristics of both of them. Then put this character in a stressful family situation...
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
This is the next scenario! I'm gonna need some time to construct a decent character using the two people I have in mind. I think the stressful situation is what I need the most time to plan out. Then I'll do my 10 minutes. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to plan things out this way, but the exercise is pretty much just typing for 10 minutes a day, so I guess as long as that gets done it doesn't matter how I go about it. I mean, I'm not even posting a thing everyday haha but it's because I'm working on other things. I'm just doing a lot of planning.
I was thinking, if there are people who also enjoy reading/writing and happens to stumble onto this blog, please feel free to do your own free-writing. You can also post your 10 minute exercise below. :) I'd love to read them.
Above all else, I think these exercises aren't meant to be taken seriously. It's to get the creative juices flowing and to not procrastinate from writing. It's just to get a person up and going. I try to work on a little bit of some of the things I'd like to improve on. Recently I found that I haven't touched a pair of knitting needles nor crochet hook in months! This has to stop lol I learned to much and I'm sure if I picked up a hook or needles I wouldn't even know how to create a simple slipknot. So I want to get back into this.
I also watched an interesting video by a youtuber by the name Thoughty2 on the topic of procrastination. He said back in ancient Greece people believed procrastination was necessary, so they sought to do it often. Watching the video helped me to realize that procrastination isn't a bad thing, but it can create laziness if one doesn't do something at least for a short time everyday. Procrastination is our brains way of relieving stress.
During the past months, I use to have a tough time just relaxing without the constant thought of getting some kind of work done. I think this may have caused me to stress a bit, because if I wasn't busy I'd feel unproductive, but now I'm relaxing a lot more and to be honest I'm like "I haven't done anything in two days.Am I okay?" So now I actively seek to at least devote some time to a project I haven't completed.
I'm not going to rush to finish the projects, but I want to complete at least complete a piece of it to a certain extent. Any effort is a step forward.
He also stated in the video, that we should manage larger task into tiny bite size pieces. It's not something I haven't heard before, but I think when it comes to a huge project, say for example, crocheting a blanket, it may seem like it will take forever (which is why I've stuck to knitting/crocheting scarfs lol), but if we say "I'll just do 10 rows today", and stick with that everyday, eventually the task will get done. It simply takes perseverance, which is something I lack.
I can't help but feel a larger project will take a lot of time and effort, but I think the payout will be great. I just think it will take quite a bit of time. For example, I have this 2D animation I haven't completed. It's been years! lol I remember telling my teacher "I'll show the class when I'm done" xD It's something that can't happen seeing as I graduated. I'll have to manage my time if I want to fit these task in my days. I'd love to finish it, but it's literally every time consuming, but I think once I'm in my zone, I'll put in some good effort. I'll more than likely have to plan on which days I'd like to work on each of my projects.
Anyways, if it's any reassurance to anyone out there wanting to work on a project that is constantly pushed back, just know you aren't alone. :) All that matters is that you just keep picking it up and putting more and more towards it at a time.
Mon
Tuesday, September 4, 2018
30 Days of Inspiration-Day 3
09/04/18
Day 3
Imagine you're looking through a collection of short stories. One of the titles catches your interest. That's the story you want to read first. What might the title be? Invent a title that would make you want to read the story. Now, write a story to go with that title...
*********************************************************************************
Title: Faded Memories
I have very little recollection of my childhood. Whenever I tried to recall something the it would start to bubble up, only to fizzle away. I would find this odd if only my life wasn't as mysterious as looking through a kaleidoscope for the answers to the meaning of life.
I was average.
My life was not.
I grew up in a room where only a few poorly drawn images were hung. The walls were always white and my schedule was pretty routine. I was free to walk about, but was never free to leave. It was something that came to my mind sometimes, but it was never something I could see myself doing.
I became use to the people I called my guardians in this place. There were four of them. Two women, and three men. One of the women worked the front desk to the facility. Her name was Grace and she was always warm and welcoming. When she smiled it was like lighting a candle in a dark cave, knowing that there was still a vast amount of abyss ahead, but not caring because you knew the light would never die.
Then there was Kate. She was a nurse and it seemed everyone liked her. She was a darker complexion than Grace and they were polar opposites of one another. Kate was pretty sassy, but she was also quite honest. Some people thought it wasn't very good thing for her to posses, almost as if she was holding a box full of secrets that could at any moment fall out and shatter onto the floor. Yet, a lot of people liked this about her.
I liked this about her, but what I really liked most about her, were the tiny treats she'd sneak to me late at night when I was younger. When I was sad thinking about the true parents I never knew. She was sneak in, pat me on the shoulder and gently place the chocolate in my hand and say "They're missing out on something great."
After Kate there was Peter. If I was to think of Peter as any kind of family, he would be the quiet playful brother. Peter was one of the cooks. He had a stern face and a beard and mustache, but he was funny when not many people were around. Quiet amongst the staff, but playful with the children. This was Peter. He was like my older brother. He was also a great chef. I'm afraid that he'll be leaving us soon, unfortunately.
Then of course you have to have a mother and father right. Well those two would be the two doctors who bicker quite often. Doctor Hoffman and Doctor Addison. Two completely different men with their own families, sometimes they share similar ideals and other times they'd just bicker and debate until they decide to just research and come to a conclusion on who was closet to the truth.
They don't quite bicker in front of me, but someone once told me they bickered in front of them quite often. It was a silent kind of bickering. Back and forth. They didn't raise their voice. No. It's probably because they feel they're beyond that. As if debating quietly was some kind of reward that doctors were only capable of obtaining.
Then there's Jolie. He's my next door neighbor and he stays in the room next to me. I would say that Jolie is my younger sister and I have to protect him. He's has quiet as a mouse, but I understand him in volumes that only a lot of these people can imagine. I've seen his life. I've seen the isolation. I'm seen the darkness in his mind. And all it took of me was a tap of his hand and poof! There, right in front of me, there it was. the beast that connected the two of us.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Here's day 3. I honestly had no title in mind! I just imagined that I was walking through the library and picked up a book and saw the image on the front. I think if this were a book the cover would be dark and wispy with a figure on the front, almost like someone is standing on the opposite side of a frosted window with bars.
I imagine the main character has having dark brown hair that is shoulder length and dark brown eyes. She's in her early twenties now.
But if I was to read a tiny synopsis of this book I'd probably check it out. Writing without a thought of where the story is going is a bit interesting. I use to write this way back in middle school, but I've become a bit more structured due to school. Now that I've graduated, I'd like to try and incorporate both. It's a little unnerving because I'm not sure where the story might go, if it makes sense, etc.
But I guess that's the point of free writing. Then go back and re-read what is written and organize it.
Something I was surprised about were the staff she calls her family. She's not in a mental institute by the way lol I'm sure it might seem that way. This idea, as I was writing, seemed to have stemmed a bit from a dream I had months ago. It's about people with unique minds. Minds that are capable of harming others, so they are placed under special care.
I think the thing that doesn't make sense to me, now that I think about it, is that she says she doesn't remember much from her childhood, but that she remembers Kate bringing her candies into her room late at night. You'd think this is something she can't recall, but I imagine it's because Kate is still a part of her life.
I think the best person to take this from is my younger sister. She can't recall a lot from our childhood. But it's like if she said she doesn't remember me, or even a small detail about she and I as we were growing up, that would be odd to me because I'm still a part of her life.
Now if we spoke about my aunt who passed away long before I even knew her, and I don't really recall her as a person so much as I recall small things that we use to do at her home, I think this makes more sense. But if she were still here, I'd be able to make more memories with her, despite the fact that I can't recall every little detail.
Well, that's all for now. I think I'll write my thoughts of the writing I produce if I have any. But I'll only place them at the end.
I'm interested to see what the next scenario will be!
Mon
Day 3
Imagine you're looking through a collection of short stories. One of the titles catches your interest. That's the story you want to read first. What might the title be? Invent a title that would make you want to read the story. Now, write a story to go with that title...
*********************************************************************************
Title: Faded Memories
I have very little recollection of my childhood. Whenever I tried to recall something the it would start to bubble up, only to fizzle away. I would find this odd if only my life wasn't as mysterious as looking through a kaleidoscope for the answers to the meaning of life.
I was average.
My life was not.
I grew up in a room where only a few poorly drawn images were hung. The walls were always white and my schedule was pretty routine. I was free to walk about, but was never free to leave. It was something that came to my mind sometimes, but it was never something I could see myself doing.
I became use to the people I called my guardians in this place. There were four of them. Two women, and three men. One of the women worked the front desk to the facility. Her name was Grace and she was always warm and welcoming. When she smiled it was like lighting a candle in a dark cave, knowing that there was still a vast amount of abyss ahead, but not caring because you knew the light would never die.
Then there was Kate. She was a nurse and it seemed everyone liked her. She was a darker complexion than Grace and they were polar opposites of one another. Kate was pretty sassy, but she was also quite honest. Some people thought it wasn't very good thing for her to posses, almost as if she was holding a box full of secrets that could at any moment fall out and shatter onto the floor. Yet, a lot of people liked this about her.
I liked this about her, but what I really liked most about her, were the tiny treats she'd sneak to me late at night when I was younger. When I was sad thinking about the true parents I never knew. She was sneak in, pat me on the shoulder and gently place the chocolate in my hand and say "They're missing out on something great."
After Kate there was Peter. If I was to think of Peter as any kind of family, he would be the quiet playful brother. Peter was one of the cooks. He had a stern face and a beard and mustache, but he was funny when not many people were around. Quiet amongst the staff, but playful with the children. This was Peter. He was like my older brother. He was also a great chef. I'm afraid that he'll be leaving us soon, unfortunately.
Then of course you have to have a mother and father right. Well those two would be the two doctors who bicker quite often. Doctor Hoffman and Doctor Addison. Two completely different men with their own families, sometimes they share similar ideals and other times they'd just bicker and debate until they decide to just research and come to a conclusion on who was closet to the truth.
They don't quite bicker in front of me, but someone once told me they bickered in front of them quite often. It was a silent kind of bickering. Back and forth. They didn't raise their voice. No. It's probably because they feel they're beyond that. As if debating quietly was some kind of reward that doctors were only capable of obtaining.
Then there's Jolie. He's my next door neighbor and he stays in the room next to me. I would say that Jolie is my younger sister and I have to protect him. He's has quiet as a mouse, but I understand him in volumes that only a lot of these people can imagine. I've seen his life. I've seen the isolation. I'm seen the darkness in his mind. And all it took of me was a tap of his hand and poof! There, right in front of me, there it was. the beast that connected the two of us.
******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Here's day 3. I honestly had no title in mind! I just imagined that I was walking through the library and picked up a book and saw the image on the front. I think if this were a book the cover would be dark and wispy with a figure on the front, almost like someone is standing on the opposite side of a frosted window with bars.
I imagine the main character has having dark brown hair that is shoulder length and dark brown eyes. She's in her early twenties now.
But if I was to read a tiny synopsis of this book I'd probably check it out. Writing without a thought of where the story is going is a bit interesting. I use to write this way back in middle school, but I've become a bit more structured due to school. Now that I've graduated, I'd like to try and incorporate both. It's a little unnerving because I'm not sure where the story might go, if it makes sense, etc.
But I guess that's the point of free writing. Then go back and re-read what is written and organize it.
Something I was surprised about were the staff she calls her family. She's not in a mental institute by the way lol I'm sure it might seem that way. This idea, as I was writing, seemed to have stemmed a bit from a dream I had months ago. It's about people with unique minds. Minds that are capable of harming others, so they are placed under special care.
I think the thing that doesn't make sense to me, now that I think about it, is that she says she doesn't remember much from her childhood, but that she remembers Kate bringing her candies into her room late at night. You'd think this is something she can't recall, but I imagine it's because Kate is still a part of her life.
I think the best person to take this from is my younger sister. She can't recall a lot from our childhood. But it's like if she said she doesn't remember me, or even a small detail about she and I as we were growing up, that would be odd to me because I'm still a part of her life.
Now if we spoke about my aunt who passed away long before I even knew her, and I don't really recall her as a person so much as I recall small things that we use to do at her home, I think this makes more sense. But if she were still here, I'd be able to make more memories with her, despite the fact that I can't recall every little detail.
Well, that's all for now. I think I'll write my thoughts of the writing I produce if I have any. But I'll only place them at the end.
I'm interested to see what the next scenario will be!
Mon
Wednesday, August 29, 2018
30 Days of Inspiration-Day 2
So I missed yesterday! I need to set myself a reminder. Well, at least I caught it before being a week behind. There's that, right :)
Today's scenario is:
Day 2
Write a story that includes: a tombstone, a first kiss, and a butterfly collection…
*********************************************************************************
I pushed the door opened into the past and stepped out onto the patches of dirt, grass and sparsely placed rocks. My head wasn't spinning this time, the trips were becoming easier someone. I glanced over my shoulder.
Yeah. I reassured myself. The red door to return back to my time was there.
I placed my focus back on the environment in front of me and I could feel a sense of deja vu in this place.
A cemetery.
Rows upon rows of the past filled the ground, with years dating back way farther than my own life. Some of the headstones cravings were began to get washed away, possibly due to rain.
There's a lot of graves without flowers. Did their love ones forget? Have they moved on? I could feel that same sensation in the back of my head.
No.
My loved ones wouldn't do that to me....
Right?
I shook away those thoughts and I began to take a few steps forward and stopped. I looked up at the clear blue sky with a hint of clouds here and there. Two dragonflies took flight past my field of view.
I could feel it. A sense of nostalgia...but still, no memories. I glanced down at my hands, and despite the fact that I knew that in this place, the weather would be warm, I could feel nothing.
Then I heard it. I heard her voice chime in. I wanted to run away, but after taking as many trips as I did, it became obvious that there's no point. She couldn't see me anyways. I looked in the direction of the sound, and sure enough there we were. Walking hand and hand.
I was wearing a gray shorts and a pair of dark blue jeans and she was wearing light blue jean shirt with a black shirt underneath and a pair of black pants pulled together with a baseball cap with the words "Love is always". In her other hand she was holding a worn brown wooden box.
I know that box. I saw it in another time. It was a collection of butterflies from her father.
They walk past me, and I watch.
They? I can't chuckle about that. I was a part of that "they" a few months ago. Now I'm here, watching myself, as if it's someone else. I could feel a tightening in my chest, but I continue to watch them make their way to a tombstone.
They stop and she bends down and places the box in front of the tombstone. He folds his arms. I fold my arms, mimicking my past.
And she looks up him and smiles "Thanks for finding it for me."
I could tell there was more she wanted to say. I wonder if I noticed it then? Was I oblivious? Could it have been the reason why things ended up the way they did? I could imagine it. Me, the one who thought I was doing enough, came to learn he did very little by the one's he loved. Yet, it felt I was giving them the world.
No. I'm sure I didn't notice. I didn't notice. I couldn't notice.
How incompetent.
She stands and intertwines her fingers with his as she stares into his eyes.
"Thank you Allan" she whispers.
And they kiss. It's short and brief, but in that short moment I saw a hint of a frown spread ever so quickly on her lips, but then it's suddenly replaced by a smile.
And then it happens. That sensation again. I missed it. He missed it. I look at him and he's looking directly at me.
He missed it because he was looking at me. He missed her frown. He was oblivious to her pain. He was always missing something right?
I got what I needed. My heart didn't agree with this, but I knew I got what I was looking for. I turned and started back towards the door.
If I'm going to get through this, I can't let these things get to me. I can't get caught up in the past. I'll never truly remember if I don't keep moving forward.
The next door awaits.
Today's scenario is:
Day 2
Write a story that includes: a tombstone, a first kiss, and a butterfly collection…
*********************************************************************************
I pushed the door opened into the past and stepped out onto the patches of dirt, grass and sparsely placed rocks. My head wasn't spinning this time, the trips were becoming easier someone. I glanced over my shoulder.
Yeah. I reassured myself. The red door to return back to my time was there.
I placed my focus back on the environment in front of me and I could feel a sense of deja vu in this place.
A cemetery.
Rows upon rows of the past filled the ground, with years dating back way farther than my own life. Some of the headstones cravings were began to get washed away, possibly due to rain.
There's a lot of graves without flowers. Did their love ones forget? Have they moved on? I could feel that same sensation in the back of my head.
No.
My loved ones wouldn't do that to me....
Right?
I shook away those thoughts and I began to take a few steps forward and stopped. I looked up at the clear blue sky with a hint of clouds here and there. Two dragonflies took flight past my field of view.
I could feel it. A sense of nostalgia...but still, no memories. I glanced down at my hands, and despite the fact that I knew that in this place, the weather would be warm, I could feel nothing.
Then I heard it. I heard her voice chime in. I wanted to run away, but after taking as many trips as I did, it became obvious that there's no point. She couldn't see me anyways. I looked in the direction of the sound, and sure enough there we were. Walking hand and hand.
I was wearing a gray shorts and a pair of dark blue jeans and she was wearing light blue jean shirt with a black shirt underneath and a pair of black pants pulled together with a baseball cap with the words "Love is always". In her other hand she was holding a worn brown wooden box.
I know that box. I saw it in another time. It was a collection of butterflies from her father.
They walk past me, and I watch.
They? I can't chuckle about that. I was a part of that "they" a few months ago. Now I'm here, watching myself, as if it's someone else. I could feel a tightening in my chest, but I continue to watch them make their way to a tombstone.
They stop and she bends down and places the box in front of the tombstone. He folds his arms. I fold my arms, mimicking my past.
And she looks up him and smiles "Thanks for finding it for me."
I could tell there was more she wanted to say. I wonder if I noticed it then? Was I oblivious? Could it have been the reason why things ended up the way they did? I could imagine it. Me, the one who thought I was doing enough, came to learn he did very little by the one's he loved. Yet, it felt I was giving them the world.
No. I'm sure I didn't notice. I didn't notice. I couldn't notice.
How incompetent.
She stands and intertwines her fingers with his as she stares into his eyes.
"Thank you Allan" she whispers.
And they kiss. It's short and brief, but in that short moment I saw a hint of a frown spread ever so quickly on her lips, but then it's suddenly replaced by a smile.
And then it happens. That sensation again. I missed it. He missed it. I look at him and he's looking directly at me.
He missed it because he was looking at me. He missed her frown. He was oblivious to her pain. He was always missing something right?
I got what I needed. My heart didn't agree with this, but I knew I got what I was looking for. I turned and started back towards the door.
If I'm going to get through this, I can't let these things get to me. I can't get caught up in the past. I'll never truly remember if I don't keep moving forward.
The next door awaits.
Monday, August 27, 2018
30 Days of Inspiration-Day 1
Hi!
Today, and for the next 30 days, I'm gonna do something different. I subscribed to a writing newsletter and there was a pdf included in one of the emails, to write everyday for only 10 minutes a day based on the scenarios listed. I decided to do these here. Will they make sense? Who knows lol let's just wing it!
Day 1
A stranger stops your character in the street, says his/her name, and tells him/her, "Be in the lobby of the Palace Hotel at midnight." Before your character can ask any questions, the stranger has hurried away...
I shifted back and forth on my heels and checked my watch. She was late again, Kathleen. She was always late. I sighed and lowered my wrist and observed my environment once more. It was a fairly decent size shopping district and a bit crowded. In the air was the faint smell of hotdogs and I can hear the vendor having a conversation with a man talking way too loudly.
I decided to just go somewhere else to meet her. I pulled out my cellphone and started to make my way in the direction of a tiny cafe. As I began to text her I was suddenly jolted to reality by the weight of my shoulder hitting someone else.
I looked up.
A man glares down at me from behind a brimmed hat. He was oddly suspicious in his long heavy trench coat, and I could feel a chill run through me.
"Ex..Excuse..." I started, but before I finished he cut in abruptly and grabbed my empty hand and shoved a paper into it in desperation.
"My name is Phil Riot. You've been chosen. Be in the lobby of the Palace Hotel at midnight"and without another word continued on his brisk pace down the sidewalk. My eyes were glued to him as he pushed pass other confused civilians and turned the corner.
I swallowed and looked down at my hand. Unaware that I was grasping the paper with sweaty palms. What was that all about? Who was that man? I'm sure I've never seen him before. Then I felt a hand.
I flinched and looked over my shoulder. Kathleen stood behind me, a hand on my shoulder, her icy blue eyes gazing into into mines.
"Kat...?" was all I could bring myself to say. I wasn't sure what my face was spelling out to her, but her eyebrows furrowed.
*********************************************************************************
Well my ten minutes are up! That was fun and pretty easy xD It's nice being given a pitch and just writing based from that, rather than writing my own.
For now, I won't look at what tomorrow's scenario is. I'll keep it a secret for myself.
Mon
Today, and for the next 30 days, I'm gonna do something different. I subscribed to a writing newsletter and there was a pdf included in one of the emails, to write everyday for only 10 minutes a day based on the scenarios listed. I decided to do these here. Will they make sense? Who knows lol let's just wing it!
Day 1
A stranger stops your character in the street, says his/her name, and tells him/her, "Be in the lobby of the Palace Hotel at midnight." Before your character can ask any questions, the stranger has hurried away...
I shifted back and forth on my heels and checked my watch. She was late again, Kathleen. She was always late. I sighed and lowered my wrist and observed my environment once more. It was a fairly decent size shopping district and a bit crowded. In the air was the faint smell of hotdogs and I can hear the vendor having a conversation with a man talking way too loudly.
I decided to just go somewhere else to meet her. I pulled out my cellphone and started to make my way in the direction of a tiny cafe. As I began to text her I was suddenly jolted to reality by the weight of my shoulder hitting someone else.
I looked up.
A man glares down at me from behind a brimmed hat. He was oddly suspicious in his long heavy trench coat, and I could feel a chill run through me.
"Ex..Excuse..." I started, but before I finished he cut in abruptly and grabbed my empty hand and shoved a paper into it in desperation.
"My name is Phil Riot. You've been chosen. Be in the lobby of the Palace Hotel at midnight"and without another word continued on his brisk pace down the sidewalk. My eyes were glued to him as he pushed pass other confused civilians and turned the corner.
I swallowed and looked down at my hand. Unaware that I was grasping the paper with sweaty palms. What was that all about? Who was that man? I'm sure I've never seen him before. Then I felt a hand.
I flinched and looked over my shoulder. Kathleen stood behind me, a hand on my shoulder, her icy blue eyes gazing into into mines.
"Kat...?" was all I could bring myself to say. I wasn't sure what my face was spelling out to her, but her eyebrows furrowed.
*********************************************************************************
Well my ten minutes are up! That was fun and pretty easy xD It's nice being given a pitch and just writing based from that, rather than writing my own.
For now, I won't look at what tomorrow's scenario is. I'll keep it a secret for myself.
Mon
Friday, August 3, 2018
A moral choice by an addict
This morning I walked with my sister to the bus stop. I had already decided this yesterday because yesterday we took a 20 to 40 (to and from) to a job fair thing. Anyways, the walk did me some good and kept energized and in a great spirit. So today we walked and kind of got into a heated discussion. I'll talk about that first, then I'll tell you about the man I spoke to afterwards.
I noticed one of our cats was quite light and I could feel his spine when I rubbed him (I leave him being fed to my sister), so I gave him some food (a cup) and on the way to the bus stop I told my sister she would need to increase his food intake. She starts to say things like "He eats enough" or "he'll just eat it all anyways" and she was completely missing the point despite the fact that I kept trying to explain to her what she was failing to get.
I ended up just telling her I'm upset and to stop talking to me while we walked the rest of the way. She then says that I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion. And this is the very reason why I find it difficult to talk to her. It never ceases to not make me become upset haha she just DOESN'T get it, no matter how hard someone tries to explain things to her.
So that was that. In the end she says "Well I said I'll feed him more" and by this point I was too fed up with the fact that she wasn't really getting it. She said that it was my own personal opinion that the cat wasn't being fed enough. I told her that it's not an OPINION but fact that he is indeed light and needs to eat more. She even said that he was light when she picked him up yesterday and I'm questioning if she thinks that's normal. It's clearly FACT that he needs to eat more. He's either sick or not getting enough food, but I truly believe it's the latter. I seriously wasn't trying to turn the discussion into an argument, and I simply stated how I came to the obviously conclusion that he was needs to eat more. My sister is under the impression that he eats enough and so she only gives him enough food to cover the bottom of his bowl.
Seriously? Do you see why I became upset? hahaha
Anyways, I went to Burger King when we made it to the bus stop. She left soon after and I stopped at Walgreens. On my way out a man standing near the entrance ask if I can spare anything and I told him I didn't have anything, and started to walk away. But suddenly a thought came to me. I walked back and asked him if he was hungry. It didn't occur to me that he could be homeless. Honestly, homelessness and people begging is so common in Chicago it isn't even funny.
Before I go on I'll give you my thoughts on this situation. In the past, when I first started going to school downtown, whenever I would see homeless people I would feel sad. I would often give them a buck or change if I had it. And it made me happy. But then I realized that there are homeless people and there are addicts. For me, honestly, they started to blend together and it was tough for me to tell the difference. Then I saw a youtube video of a girl who was pretending to be disabled, even though she was perfectly fine, in order to make easy money.
This appalled me, and I began to wonder exactly who am I truly giving my money to. I tried to tell myself that it's up to that person on what they'll do with the money. But I didn't want to fund someone's addictions either. And if the person is truly homeless, and I really helping?
These conflicted me and I stopped giving as much. Regardless, the tough thing is that I DON'T know the person's story at all. It's easy for people to assume, but that person is still someone who lived a life and dealt with things.
So back to the story. I go to the man and ask him if he's hungry, and he says no and tells me that he's honestly just trying to get money to take the "edge" off, and instantly I'm thinking "yeah I wouldn't fund that", but had he not told me, and I DID have a dollar or something, I would've gave it to him. Geez.
Anyway, I say he made a moral choice because he started to tell me what happened to him yesterday. He said he got really drunk and exchanged his real money for counterfeit money but couldn't distinguish it from fake money due to being drunk (fifty dollars to be exact, he even let me check it). He then tells me how he asked a man for money, and the person gave him $3 and he told the person he was going to buy beer and the person told him to give him his money back. Which he did.
That struck me and I said "At least you were honest."
I thought that somehow, this person who wanted to get high and wanted to buy beer, he honestly told someone what he was going to do with it. He even told me what he would do with the money he was planning to get from others, if any.I wished him a good day and left.
Honestly, I was confused and perplexed. Then I started to think if, the thoughts I was thinking, to tell him that he should get off the streets, or that if he got the money, he should do something good with it, am I really helping?
The reason I say this is because of this recently incident with a celebrity. Demi Lovato. She's been going through rehab, and addiction, and she had money and can fund drugs without having to ask anyone. I'm sure countless people have told her to stop. She even knew herself that she should stop. I started to wonder if that man knew it did him no good to do the things hes doing. And if so, what's the point in me telling him something he already knows? To remind him? Reminders are good.
But he also HAD $50 at one point. More than enough for him to do with it what he will. So maybe there's more to his story, because he wasn't completely broke until someone tricked him.
The "normal" thing to do would to just ignore him altogether, right? And honestly, I was planning to, but if I did, I wouldn't have gotten stuck in thought. I don't think helped him, but I also think I did just purely given my circumstances.
I didn't have any money left, and so I didn't help him get beer, or whatever else he was planning to do with it. He seemed to be honest enough, and I want to say it's a shame that he's doing what he's doing, but honestly, who am I to say that he isn't exactly where he's suppose to be....however unusual that sounds.
Here's what I mean...and I hope it makes a little bit of sense. There are people in the world who do questionable things. For example, some people who are strippers, don't mind being strippers. To me I find the act overall to be a bit gaudy, but that's my opinion. And I'm one who believes people should be free to do what they please as long as they're not hurting anyone.
Some people are addicts, they know it's bad, and sometimes they're actually pretty smart people.
I think the part that bothers me about people who are addicts is that they're destroying their bodies. And, I could argue with myself that aren't I destroying by body by eating this Burger King meal? Anything could kill us, it's just that they're choosing what kills them. The same goes for people who smoke. I'm against smoking, I even took a cigarette from a classmate and threw it one the ground when he was about to have a smoke (seriously I don't know what I was thinking because he could've been very angry, but I think we were cool, and so he didn't really mind).
I don't quite know what I'm trying to say other than the fact that I'm torn between morally right and morally wrong, because it seems that there could be right in the wrong and that what seems wrong may only be a little wrong, but only kind of.
I'll tell you that I started to think about Jesus and Mary Magdalene and how she was said to be a prostitute (although looking that up now it seems some people are doubtful to this common belief. Regardless, had Jesus saw this man, what would he say? Would he have judged him and told him that what he was doing what wrong?
Geez, I think the most difficulties I'm having with this are the gray areas of life. Not everyone will walk the road of being a saint, or being holy. They exist, the people who live lives that are considered dark, possibly for us to probably not help, but for us to understand...or something.
I read a book once (by this point in my blogs, this is a common phrase by me) that spoke about people being regressed into past lives. One woman spoke about a life in which she was being abused. She knew it wasn't the best for her, but she stayed and she died that way, but she learned love (due to her having a child). She agreed that the life was tough, but that she learned things as well.
It's a tough call for me to make, on whether or not someone isn't or is suppose to be doing or be in a specific place at a particular time, simply because I can't deem it as being the truth by universal standards.
If I got with the argument that everything in the world is as it should be, then there is no SHOULDN'T. But if I live in the world and say that everything is a contradiction of itself, and that what I CAN fix is also what I CAN'T fix, then it seems like an endless loop of me fixing one wrong, but many other of the same wrongs existing at the same time in different locations.
I literally thought to myself that if I said to that man "you should stop this" where would that lead the dozens of others like him? And then I started to realize I was thinking to much and that I may have missed an opportunity to help that man out. Or maybe I did help him by just listening and not telling him what he SHOULD be doing like so many other people would naturally be inclined to do.
The issue is more, perhaps, that I don't understand addictions. I've never had to deal with it, and so from the outside looking in at someone who is an addict, and hearing people say that what they're doing is bad, it's easy to follow the herd, but it's another thing to listen to them before they truly lose themselves.
Actually, perhaps this can be said about quite a lot of things in life. Being Asian, and not understanding the lifestyle of an American...but they can say it's due to culture, but despite this culture, there are still things that make us human and there are things we can relate to. Such as being angry, or sad or happy. It happens to us all.
The part of me that says that I should've told him to get up and go make something of himself, didn't care to hear how he may have ended up where he is now in the first place. That his addiction is similar to an obese person's addiction with food. Or another person's addiction to pleasure, such as binge watching t.v. or playing video games. These can affect us more than we care to admit, by taking us away from possible lives we could be living, but aren't. So how far off are we from this man I met this morning?
Everything, somehow, is confusing, when I break it down. It seems to come back full circle sometimes. It leaves me wondering if a person can even be a saint. Would anyone even believe this person? I mean look at what happened to Jesus. There could be other people like Jesus living on earth today, but people certainly wouldn't think so. They'd call this person a fake. It's not their idea of what it SHOULD be like.
And perhaps some people don't get this deep in thought as I do, or even care haha I remember, growing up and my mom always saying "everyone else is in the box, but you're the only one outside of it." This only happens sometimes....or maybe it's just so normal for me I think it's sometimes. I'm not overthinking, I don't know if it's a such thing as overthinking. Simply put, I like to understand and the best way to understand something is to approach it from many different angles.
What may seem like a triangle from one angle COULD just be a triangle. And some people would just accept it for what it is and move on with their lives. But when you take that journey around the object, you start to realize that it's not just a triangle, but a pyramid, or even a different shape altogether.
I can understand that some people may not find enjoyment in thinking so far into things, but I do. It would be nice to just have a discussion with people who might do the same, but I'm cool with being alone with my thoughts. Plus it's funny to say things to people sometimes and for them to be confused by what I said.
I will say that don't think thinking this way make me smart or anything, or a deep person or any of that. I just feel like myself and nothing more. I don't know if I'm trying to make statement, but I do know that I'd like to understand myself in relation to things as best as I can. I don't know if I'll ever make a choice that I feel is the BEST choice, and that does worry me considering the idea that I don't know if there is a best choice. My feelings are often conflicted, which caused a lot of indecisiveness in my past, but it's because I see a multitude of possibilities steaming from one choice to the next.
It's like having an opportunity appearing right before your face with multiple branching paths. Some seem better than others, but there are too many to choose from. Someone might say "follow your gut feeling" but honestly, what if I am? Geez, mind and intuition don't match very well hahaha
Well, I'm done. My food is cold now! On that note, I'm going to eat. What do you make of this? You can say I've over-complicated such a simple matter, but let's complicate it for the sake of a discussion. To get a deeper understanding of our own thought process in relation to the outside world that we're a part of.
Mon
I noticed one of our cats was quite light and I could feel his spine when I rubbed him (I leave him being fed to my sister), so I gave him some food (a cup) and on the way to the bus stop I told my sister she would need to increase his food intake. She starts to say things like "He eats enough" or "he'll just eat it all anyways" and she was completely missing the point despite the fact that I kept trying to explain to her what she was failing to get.
I ended up just telling her I'm upset and to stop talking to me while we walked the rest of the way. She then says that I'm blowing the whole thing out of proportion. And this is the very reason why I find it difficult to talk to her. It never ceases to not make me become upset haha she just DOESN'T get it, no matter how hard someone tries to explain things to her.
So that was that. In the end she says "Well I said I'll feed him more" and by this point I was too fed up with the fact that she wasn't really getting it. She said that it was my own personal opinion that the cat wasn't being fed enough. I told her that it's not an OPINION but fact that he is indeed light and needs to eat more. She even said that he was light when she picked him up yesterday and I'm questioning if she thinks that's normal. It's clearly FACT that he needs to eat more. He's either sick or not getting enough food, but I truly believe it's the latter. I seriously wasn't trying to turn the discussion into an argument, and I simply stated how I came to the obviously conclusion that he was needs to eat more. My sister is under the impression that he eats enough and so she only gives him enough food to cover the bottom of his bowl.
Seriously? Do you see why I became upset? hahaha
Anyways, I went to Burger King when we made it to the bus stop. She left soon after and I stopped at Walgreens. On my way out a man standing near the entrance ask if I can spare anything and I told him I didn't have anything, and started to walk away. But suddenly a thought came to me. I walked back and asked him if he was hungry. It didn't occur to me that he could be homeless. Honestly, homelessness and people begging is so common in Chicago it isn't even funny.
Before I go on I'll give you my thoughts on this situation. In the past, when I first started going to school downtown, whenever I would see homeless people I would feel sad. I would often give them a buck or change if I had it. And it made me happy. But then I realized that there are homeless people and there are addicts. For me, honestly, they started to blend together and it was tough for me to tell the difference. Then I saw a youtube video of a girl who was pretending to be disabled, even though she was perfectly fine, in order to make easy money.
This appalled me, and I began to wonder exactly who am I truly giving my money to. I tried to tell myself that it's up to that person on what they'll do with the money. But I didn't want to fund someone's addictions either. And if the person is truly homeless, and I really helping?
These conflicted me and I stopped giving as much. Regardless, the tough thing is that I DON'T know the person's story at all. It's easy for people to assume, but that person is still someone who lived a life and dealt with things.
So back to the story. I go to the man and ask him if he's hungry, and he says no and tells me that he's honestly just trying to get money to take the "edge" off, and instantly I'm thinking "yeah I wouldn't fund that", but had he not told me, and I DID have a dollar or something, I would've gave it to him. Geez.
Anyway, I say he made a moral choice because he started to tell me what happened to him yesterday. He said he got really drunk and exchanged his real money for counterfeit money but couldn't distinguish it from fake money due to being drunk (fifty dollars to be exact, he even let me check it). He then tells me how he asked a man for money, and the person gave him $3 and he told the person he was going to buy beer and the person told him to give him his money back. Which he did.
That struck me and I said "At least you were honest."
I thought that somehow, this person who wanted to get high and wanted to buy beer, he honestly told someone what he was going to do with it. He even told me what he would do with the money he was planning to get from others, if any.I wished him a good day and left.
Honestly, I was confused and perplexed. Then I started to think if, the thoughts I was thinking, to tell him that he should get off the streets, or that if he got the money, he should do something good with it, am I really helping?
The reason I say this is because of this recently incident with a celebrity. Demi Lovato. She's been going through rehab, and addiction, and she had money and can fund drugs without having to ask anyone. I'm sure countless people have told her to stop. She even knew herself that she should stop. I started to wonder if that man knew it did him no good to do the things hes doing. And if so, what's the point in me telling him something he already knows? To remind him? Reminders are good.
But he also HAD $50 at one point. More than enough for him to do with it what he will. So maybe there's more to his story, because he wasn't completely broke until someone tricked him.
The "normal" thing to do would to just ignore him altogether, right? And honestly, I was planning to, but if I did, I wouldn't have gotten stuck in thought. I don't think helped him, but I also think I did just purely given my circumstances.
I didn't have any money left, and so I didn't help him get beer, or whatever else he was planning to do with it. He seemed to be honest enough, and I want to say it's a shame that he's doing what he's doing, but honestly, who am I to say that he isn't exactly where he's suppose to be....however unusual that sounds.
Here's what I mean...and I hope it makes a little bit of sense. There are people in the world who do questionable things. For example, some people who are strippers, don't mind being strippers. To me I find the act overall to be a bit gaudy, but that's my opinion. And I'm one who believes people should be free to do what they please as long as they're not hurting anyone.
Some people are addicts, they know it's bad, and sometimes they're actually pretty smart people.
I think the part that bothers me about people who are addicts is that they're destroying their bodies. And, I could argue with myself that aren't I destroying by body by eating this Burger King meal? Anything could kill us, it's just that they're choosing what kills them. The same goes for people who smoke. I'm against smoking, I even took a cigarette from a classmate and threw it one the ground when he was about to have a smoke (seriously I don't know what I was thinking because he could've been very angry, but I think we were cool, and so he didn't really mind).
I don't quite know what I'm trying to say other than the fact that I'm torn between morally right and morally wrong, because it seems that there could be right in the wrong and that what seems wrong may only be a little wrong, but only kind of.
I'll tell you that I started to think about Jesus and Mary Magdalene and how she was said to be a prostitute (although looking that up now it seems some people are doubtful to this common belief. Regardless, had Jesus saw this man, what would he say? Would he have judged him and told him that what he was doing what wrong?
Geez, I think the most difficulties I'm having with this are the gray areas of life. Not everyone will walk the road of being a saint, or being holy. They exist, the people who live lives that are considered dark, possibly for us to probably not help, but for us to understand...or something.
I read a book once (by this point in my blogs, this is a common phrase by me) that spoke about people being regressed into past lives. One woman spoke about a life in which she was being abused. She knew it wasn't the best for her, but she stayed and she died that way, but she learned love (due to her having a child). She agreed that the life was tough, but that she learned things as well.
It's a tough call for me to make, on whether or not someone isn't or is suppose to be doing or be in a specific place at a particular time, simply because I can't deem it as being the truth by universal standards.
If I got with the argument that everything in the world is as it should be, then there is no SHOULDN'T. But if I live in the world and say that everything is a contradiction of itself, and that what I CAN fix is also what I CAN'T fix, then it seems like an endless loop of me fixing one wrong, but many other of the same wrongs existing at the same time in different locations.
I literally thought to myself that if I said to that man "you should stop this" where would that lead the dozens of others like him? And then I started to realize I was thinking to much and that I may have missed an opportunity to help that man out. Or maybe I did help him by just listening and not telling him what he SHOULD be doing like so many other people would naturally be inclined to do.
The issue is more, perhaps, that I don't understand addictions. I've never had to deal with it, and so from the outside looking in at someone who is an addict, and hearing people say that what they're doing is bad, it's easy to follow the herd, but it's another thing to listen to them before they truly lose themselves.
Actually, perhaps this can be said about quite a lot of things in life. Being Asian, and not understanding the lifestyle of an American...but they can say it's due to culture, but despite this culture, there are still things that make us human and there are things we can relate to. Such as being angry, or sad or happy. It happens to us all.
The part of me that says that I should've told him to get up and go make something of himself, didn't care to hear how he may have ended up where he is now in the first place. That his addiction is similar to an obese person's addiction with food. Or another person's addiction to pleasure, such as binge watching t.v. or playing video games. These can affect us more than we care to admit, by taking us away from possible lives we could be living, but aren't. So how far off are we from this man I met this morning?
Everything, somehow, is confusing, when I break it down. It seems to come back full circle sometimes. It leaves me wondering if a person can even be a saint. Would anyone even believe this person? I mean look at what happened to Jesus. There could be other people like Jesus living on earth today, but people certainly wouldn't think so. They'd call this person a fake. It's not their idea of what it SHOULD be like.
And perhaps some people don't get this deep in thought as I do, or even care haha I remember, growing up and my mom always saying "everyone else is in the box, but you're the only one outside of it." This only happens sometimes....or maybe it's just so normal for me I think it's sometimes. I'm not overthinking, I don't know if it's a such thing as overthinking. Simply put, I like to understand and the best way to understand something is to approach it from many different angles.
What may seem like a triangle from one angle COULD just be a triangle. And some people would just accept it for what it is and move on with their lives. But when you take that journey around the object, you start to realize that it's not just a triangle, but a pyramid, or even a different shape altogether.
I can understand that some people may not find enjoyment in thinking so far into things, but I do. It would be nice to just have a discussion with people who might do the same, but I'm cool with being alone with my thoughts. Plus it's funny to say things to people sometimes and for them to be confused by what I said.
I will say that don't think thinking this way make me smart or anything, or a deep person or any of that. I just feel like myself and nothing more. I don't know if I'm trying to make statement, but I do know that I'd like to understand myself in relation to things as best as I can. I don't know if I'll ever make a choice that I feel is the BEST choice, and that does worry me considering the idea that I don't know if there is a best choice. My feelings are often conflicted, which caused a lot of indecisiveness in my past, but it's because I see a multitude of possibilities steaming from one choice to the next.
It's like having an opportunity appearing right before your face with multiple branching paths. Some seem better than others, but there are too many to choose from. Someone might say "follow your gut feeling" but honestly, what if I am? Geez, mind and intuition don't match very well hahaha
Well, I'm done. My food is cold now! On that note, I'm going to eat. What do you make of this? You can say I've over-complicated such a simple matter, but let's complicate it for the sake of a discussion. To get a deeper understanding of our own thought process in relation to the outside world that we're a part of.
Mon
Friday, June 29, 2018
A bit of clarity
So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not depressed, but I can't give a word to what I've been dealing with on an emotional and mental level. Maybe the word will come to me by the end of this blog.
After typing that last blog I felt better and a few days later I took a trip to the library to get some books. I'll tell you that I read a lot of self-help/self-development books aside from a novel here and there. Anyways, one book I got was about financial development. I would like to think that I'm "broke", but it's the wrong way of looking at it, and these books sure do help.
At the moment I'm not working, which, in itself, seems like an issue, but I'll say that I'm grateful I have a place to stay for the moment. This is even despite everything that is happening. I often have to reflect on this reality and realize that it's something I could NOT have. So there's that.
Anyway, I realized that I've been losing my motivation and it's because I haven't been feeling inspired. Aside from that I'm not surrounded by much support or people that I feel understand my circumstance. This can be stressful and I forgive myself for feeling stressed out. Looking at it from an outside perspective without judgement, if I had a friend who was suffering being somewhere, temporarily surrounded by people who weren't doing much to help lift them up, I would be able to understand them.
Something actually put me in a good mood. I'll explain. Since graduating I set off to improve my skills in 3D. Technically, after graduating, I didn't feel prepared enough to take on an actual job in my career field. So I spent a lot of time watching tutorials, reading pdf, searching the web and working on mini projects. It's been almost a year and I tell myself "You should have more to show for all that you've been doing these past few month!" and then I saw this video by a youtube channel called Alux.
The women in the video said something along the times of "people who are rich, are often improving their skills, or finding ways to improve their skills in the field they are pursuing" and it made me happy! I'm no millionaire, but it dawned on me that I'm working hard with nothing to show NOW, but it won't always be this way.
It's just like a child learning to write. It takes years to perfect your English, and even then some people still aren't very good at it! What's more, is that some people actually become writers and are good at it. What I'm trying to say is that, even after all these months, day in and day out, sitting in front of a computer, reading, all of it will pay off if I keep at it.
At the moment I feel that no one has given me the chance to prove myself simply because I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I'm not confident enough. Perhaps in the traditional 2D way, but in 3D I'm quite meager, and even still there's nothing wrong with that.
What's more is that I'm sure to people who don't know much about 3D and how the process is done, they'd say my work looks fines. And interestingly enough, I've had teachers who have said "as long as it looks good!", but due to me going above and beyond and learning more, there is a bit more to it that can push my work a tad bit more.
Not just pushing my work a tad bit more, but I'm also learning how to create props for games. You see, it takes two years of core classes before a student can graduate from the college I left, and even then the there are teachers who judge your work during the very last quarter to tell you whether or not you will be graduating. Anyways, what I'm saying is that we take two years of gen. ed and some basic art classes, and then another two years of core classes focused solely on our major.
So game students take two years to learn probably most of what I've been learning within a year. With understanding this, I have to forgive myself and stop being so hard on myself for not creating masterpieces.
I will say that yesterday made me happy because I actually created a simple prop, textured it in a software I've been learning and took it into a game engine. I ran up to it in game and got super excited hahaha I'm still learning, and I guess I should just expect that I'll continue to learn even if I get into the industry. I don't think I'll ever stop being a student.
It's a very strange situation. For a very long time I've been the student, but now that I've graduated I'm under the assumption that I have to know everything there is to know about my major. Maybe I know enough. Perhaps I even know much more than I need to know. I'd never know because I've never worked in the industry. But I will say that while I'm bobbing about in life I'll keep learning simply because it's fun.
So no, I'm not depressed. I simply lose sight of things sometimes and sometimes I become frustrated and unmotivated, but it's what I decide to do when that time comes that really matters. Since I'm still moving forward and haven't quit, that means something. :)
Also, I'm sure there will be many more blogs like my previous one hahaha But at least I'd be honest about what I feel rather than bottling them up.
Mon
After typing that last blog I felt better and a few days later I took a trip to the library to get some books. I'll tell you that I read a lot of self-help/self-development books aside from a novel here and there. Anyways, one book I got was about financial development. I would like to think that I'm "broke", but it's the wrong way of looking at it, and these books sure do help.
At the moment I'm not working, which, in itself, seems like an issue, but I'll say that I'm grateful I have a place to stay for the moment. This is even despite everything that is happening. I often have to reflect on this reality and realize that it's something I could NOT have. So there's that.
Anyway, I realized that I've been losing my motivation and it's because I haven't been feeling inspired. Aside from that I'm not surrounded by much support or people that I feel understand my circumstance. This can be stressful and I forgive myself for feeling stressed out. Looking at it from an outside perspective without judgement, if I had a friend who was suffering being somewhere, temporarily surrounded by people who weren't doing much to help lift them up, I would be able to understand them.
Something actually put me in a good mood. I'll explain. Since graduating I set off to improve my skills in 3D. Technically, after graduating, I didn't feel prepared enough to take on an actual job in my career field. So I spent a lot of time watching tutorials, reading pdf, searching the web and working on mini projects. It's been almost a year and I tell myself "You should have more to show for all that you've been doing these past few month!" and then I saw this video by a youtube channel called Alux.
The women in the video said something along the times of "people who are rich, are often improving their skills, or finding ways to improve their skills in the field they are pursuing" and it made me happy! I'm no millionaire, but it dawned on me that I'm working hard with nothing to show NOW, but it won't always be this way.
It's just like a child learning to write. It takes years to perfect your English, and even then some people still aren't very good at it! What's more, is that some people actually become writers and are good at it. What I'm trying to say is that, even after all these months, day in and day out, sitting in front of a computer, reading, all of it will pay off if I keep at it.
At the moment I feel that no one has given me the chance to prove myself simply because I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I'm not confident enough. Perhaps in the traditional 2D way, but in 3D I'm quite meager, and even still there's nothing wrong with that.
What's more is that I'm sure to people who don't know much about 3D and how the process is done, they'd say my work looks fines. And interestingly enough, I've had teachers who have said "as long as it looks good!", but due to me going above and beyond and learning more, there is a bit more to it that can push my work a tad bit more.
Not just pushing my work a tad bit more, but I'm also learning how to create props for games. You see, it takes two years of core classes before a student can graduate from the college I left, and even then the there are teachers who judge your work during the very last quarter to tell you whether or not you will be graduating. Anyways, what I'm saying is that we take two years of gen. ed and some basic art classes, and then another two years of core classes focused solely on our major.
So game students take two years to learn probably most of what I've been learning within a year. With understanding this, I have to forgive myself and stop being so hard on myself for not creating masterpieces.
I will say that yesterday made me happy because I actually created a simple prop, textured it in a software I've been learning and took it into a game engine. I ran up to it in game and got super excited hahaha I'm still learning, and I guess I should just expect that I'll continue to learn even if I get into the industry. I don't think I'll ever stop being a student.
It's a very strange situation. For a very long time I've been the student, but now that I've graduated I'm under the assumption that I have to know everything there is to know about my major. Maybe I know enough. Perhaps I even know much more than I need to know. I'd never know because I've never worked in the industry. But I will say that while I'm bobbing about in life I'll keep learning simply because it's fun.
So no, I'm not depressed. I simply lose sight of things sometimes and sometimes I become frustrated and unmotivated, but it's what I decide to do when that time comes that really matters. Since I'm still moving forward and haven't quit, that means something. :)
Also, I'm sure there will be many more blogs like my previous one hahaha But at least I'd be honest about what I feel rather than bottling them up.
Mon
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Am I depressed??
It's 3 a.m. and although my eyes are tired, my mind is keeping me up again! This is the second night, and I was surprised I was able to sleep the previous night. There's a lot on my mind. I'll try to communicate it as best as I can.
I want to say that this feeling has been going on only for a few months, but I think it's been going on for years on and off, and I think that if I continue to just keep it to myself, it won't do me an ounce of good. I think the most annoying and frustrating part is working very hard and not having all that work be acknowledge and being judge for the lack of something else.
On top of this feeling, I work and work to try to improve my craft with the thought in my mind that I don't have enough time, and this in itself is stressful. I'm doing this everyday while constantly thinking about and trying to find work. Also worrying about whether or not my work is good enough, worrying about whether I'm qualified enough for the job. So I try to learn as much as possible.
Then when I lie my head down at night I start to think of all the other countless things I need to do the next day. The part that bothers me is that insane standards I feel I have to push myself to reach. There's too halves, the half of me that tells myself that these standards are way too high for one person to deal with, and the half that thinks I'm lying to myself and try anyways hahaha
Within the months following my graduation, I don't know how many tutorials I have watched, how many pdf I've read, how many times I've told myself that I won't settle for something mediocre and how many times it bothered me to ponder upon the times my mom has called me lazy and that I don't do anything.
There are so many times I've felt the need to prove myself to other people, and it's mainly to prove to myself that they're wrong.
Then on top of worrying about all of this, I worry that soon I will have to move out and go into the world and I don't know much about the working world and how I want to blame my mom for this,but that overall it's up to me to learn it. So I do what I can, and I pick up a book and I'll read about it, and I tell myself that no matter how many books I read nothing can truly prepare me for the world!
Then I worry that if I start to work, I don't have the skills they need, despite the fact that my sister says "your work is awesome!" and I know that is it to her because she doesn't have the trained eye that some of these employees have.
I'm aware that I sound critical of myself, and that's the problem. I think it's an issue to be able to pinpoint my flaws and not know how to fix them haha or can I even consider this a flaw?
I remember during my final year of high school, this guy I knew, we both wrote letters back and forth. In a way this made me feel that someone was listening. Anyway, he said once in the letter that I'm too critical of myself. No one has ever said that to me up until that point, and honestly it made me wonder if I was. Now this was years ago, and if I'm still the same way that I was then, then it means nothing has changed.
I've learned and learned, but I still stay the same. I can tell myself again and again that I should just do my best and except it, but a part of me says "Well, if you can go a step farther, why not go for it!" haha
I wonder if I'm not depressed and just a perfectionist. I've had countless teachers tell me I overthink things. And for so long I became defensive and said I'm don't, but now I wonder if I really do. I wonder why. I wonder if it's because I try to understand every little thing, and then when I can't I start to lose my mind over it. Something that may be so simple to other people drives me mad internally and then I start to feel like a weirdo. Then I start to tell myself that it's best to keep these thoughts to myself because some people just won't get it.
For example, for a while now I've gotten into tiny little confrontations with my younger sister about very simple things. One was helping out around the house, I've been doing a lot of the cleaning and tidying and it was bothering me and I would ask/tell her can't you do this and that. And she would say "why don't you tell mom this?" and I would explain to her that our mom shouldn't have to worry about doing any of it since she works and because we were both home not working, that it's the least we could do
So whenever I requested her to help out with something, she would use that argument against me. And because my mom doesn't clean very often, and neither does my younger sister I would do. I would tell myself that someone has to. The issue is that if no one does, my mom would get upset and call me lazy like she's done in the past. And this leads me back to what I'm saying, I have to prove to myself that I'm not.
When I was in school, my teacher was going to fail me. I worked really hard, but my hard work went unnoticed and I was frustrated so I took it to the person who overlooked my department, and he kind of got in trouble because he didn't have a true grading guide that he followed by, so he was forced to pass me to the next portion. I didn't want him to get in trouble, but it bother me that I expressed about how hard I worked.
It seems simple, but during that time I COULDN'T fail. Simple because my financial aid wouldn't allow it. If I failed, I would have had to pay for the course I failed out of pocket. My financial aid was running out. So without a job I had no money. I had no job because I focused on school and my work. This is what I tried to explain to him, but he felt I wasn't ready to graduate. This bothered me because I was willing to work as hard as I had to in order to graduate. Which I did. After spending three months learning a new software, coming up with concepts for three new characters, and sculpting them, I had to push that all to the side and come up with someone new and simple.
At that point I decided to focus solely on prop modeling and had to start from scratch, In the next three months, I had to capture reference (I'll make it clear that my family and I was in the process of moving), and model three props, while also putting together a website, and oh, I was learning how to create a website by myself because my teacher didn't know how.
It was stressful! He said to me that I had "tenacity", and I don't think I do, it's just that when I know the odds are stacked against me I realize that I can either quit or not. I refuse to just give up if I worked too hard to get where I am. Is that tenacity? Because honestly sometimes I feel like breaking down and yell that I quit.
Anyway, he told me that a lot of students came in with work they already had from the prior months. The thing is that I had no work from prior months. Previously, my harddrive had crashed and I lost all my work. Not just that, but what I learned from the Tinley campus, was very mediocre by the standards of the campus downtown. So I had to up my game and learn all that I could.
I found that my life is constantly like this and I wonder if I'm just running out of steam. Honestly, when I first started out at the school I said they were leeching me of my creativity. Everything was so fast paced and I didn't like it. Now, I can actually appreciate all that they taught me, but it doesn't mean it wasn't stressful.
I think it's harmful to always be placed under stressed, and perhaps it's getting to me. The part that worries me the most are the times when I think that perhaps not living a life like this is better than having to deal with it, but I don't want to die because I have a lot of things I want to do in life. Sometimes I feel that things would be better if I took a break from the people I feel that just don't understand me. The issue is that it's mainly my family.I feel so different from them, and honestly my mom's mindset is so off-putting and I never truly agreed with her way of wanting to deal with things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and perhaps that's the issue. I love them, and it keeps me from moving forward. That somehow if I leave, they won't be able to go on haha it's ridiculous, but I try to tell myself that I'm sure they'll be fine if I go off and live my life. I will say that I fear that if I leave, I won't turn back or call them. I'll just keep going.
Why do I feel this way? Well, it's because it's what I'm use to. Growing up, we moved a lot and I went to a lot of different schools. When I made friends, I got use to leaving them behind. It became natural. And this worries me. You see I worry about a lot o things! haha and this is why I'm writing. Because I have a lot on my mind.
Anyway, I'm under the impression as well that it won't be this way. That I'll call sometimes. But I think sometimes I get so caught up in life. And sometimes I notice this, and I'll just stop and sit outside and think absolutely nothing. I feel at peace.
So with all this being said, I don't know if I'm depressed or if I just have a mind that is ahead of what my body is capable of. But whatever it is, it is very annoying and very frustrating. Sometimes I just throw my hands in the air and say "screw it! It's just the way I am" haha So screw sleep, who cares if my eyes are tired? I'm going to work on something! haha like now.
I will say that I'm conflicted a lot. Trying to understand my situation and myself. Because there's just a lot going on. To the outside world it may not seem like it, and I will say that probably sometimes it's not, because I will often live in the moment and those feelings will go away, but they always come back.
I'm sure it's something I have to face, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I should write a list?? The thing is that the world is very beautiful to me. When I remove my concern of having to create my portfolio and my mom and sister are away working, I'm at peace. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just go off and live as a monk or something. Or just go far away and not deal with any of this. Just live and not worry about loans, or getting a good job or making money.
I could just work on a garden and draw whenever I want to.
Yet, it's confusing because I think I couldn't live without a bit of stress hahaha and I wonder if it's simply because I'm so use to this. Actually, it's funny, because for a weekend I was staying at my older sister's house to look after my nephew because she had something she needed to do. Anyway, I stayed there for a weekend and almost lost my mind because I couldn't work on something. I wanted to smash my head into the wall because my only options was to stay indoor, read a book or watch t.v. haha
I have to say that one of my greatest worries is any guy who would date me hahaha I feel sorry for that sucker!! hahaha
Whats more is that I'm sure this is a fleeting feeling. I honestly can't stand it. I feel that I'm a true Cancer at heart and the changing of emotions define me so well. I don't like to think that one's sign define them, because we define ourselves, but me coming into this world this way, what the heck was I thinking.
Whelps! I feel better!! It's a lot to get off my chest, and honestly I'd be surprised if anyone made it this far hahaha Am I okay? I'd like to think so. Hm....actually, you know I once read my birth chart and it said that I become restless when I have to deal with mundane situations and I can't stand staying in the same spot forever and that I'm in need of constant change.
Seriously. I'm kind of lazy, but I don't think I want to move around all the time....but then again, today I did just want to go walking just because the whether was nice *sighs* I'm in for a long journey of self discovery, aren't I?
I'm just going to work on something until I feel sleepy. No need in trying to beat myself over the head. If you read this, thanks for reading. I'm going to try my hardest not to draft this like my previous entries. I get too self conscious when it comes to me writing about how I really feel. But who knows, how I truly feel may not be as strange or as wrong as I think it is.
Mon
I want to say that this feeling has been going on only for a few months, but I think it's been going on for years on and off, and I think that if I continue to just keep it to myself, it won't do me an ounce of good. I think the most annoying and frustrating part is working very hard and not having all that work be acknowledge and being judge for the lack of something else.
On top of this feeling, I work and work to try to improve my craft with the thought in my mind that I don't have enough time, and this in itself is stressful. I'm doing this everyday while constantly thinking about and trying to find work. Also worrying about whether or not my work is good enough, worrying about whether I'm qualified enough for the job. So I try to learn as much as possible.
Then when I lie my head down at night I start to think of all the other countless things I need to do the next day. The part that bothers me is that insane standards I feel I have to push myself to reach. There's too halves, the half of me that tells myself that these standards are way too high for one person to deal with, and the half that thinks I'm lying to myself and try anyways hahaha
Within the months following my graduation, I don't know how many tutorials I have watched, how many pdf I've read, how many times I've told myself that I won't settle for something mediocre and how many times it bothered me to ponder upon the times my mom has called me lazy and that I don't do anything.
There are so many times I've felt the need to prove myself to other people, and it's mainly to prove to myself that they're wrong.
Then on top of worrying about all of this, I worry that soon I will have to move out and go into the world and I don't know much about the working world and how I want to blame my mom for this,but that overall it's up to me to learn it. So I do what I can, and I pick up a book and I'll read about it, and I tell myself that no matter how many books I read nothing can truly prepare me for the world!
Then I worry that if I start to work, I don't have the skills they need, despite the fact that my sister says "your work is awesome!" and I know that is it to her because she doesn't have the trained eye that some of these employees have.
I'm aware that I sound critical of myself, and that's the problem. I think it's an issue to be able to pinpoint my flaws and not know how to fix them haha or can I even consider this a flaw?
I remember during my final year of high school, this guy I knew, we both wrote letters back and forth. In a way this made me feel that someone was listening. Anyway, he said once in the letter that I'm too critical of myself. No one has ever said that to me up until that point, and honestly it made me wonder if I was. Now this was years ago, and if I'm still the same way that I was then, then it means nothing has changed.
I've learned and learned, but I still stay the same. I can tell myself again and again that I should just do my best and except it, but a part of me says "Well, if you can go a step farther, why not go for it!" haha
I wonder if I'm not depressed and just a perfectionist. I've had countless teachers tell me I overthink things. And for so long I became defensive and said I'm don't, but now I wonder if I really do. I wonder why. I wonder if it's because I try to understand every little thing, and then when I can't I start to lose my mind over it. Something that may be so simple to other people drives me mad internally and then I start to feel like a weirdo. Then I start to tell myself that it's best to keep these thoughts to myself because some people just won't get it.
For example, for a while now I've gotten into tiny little confrontations with my younger sister about very simple things. One was helping out around the house, I've been doing a lot of the cleaning and tidying and it was bothering me and I would ask/tell her can't you do this and that. And she would say "why don't you tell mom this?" and I would explain to her that our mom shouldn't have to worry about doing any of it since she works and because we were both home not working, that it's the least we could do
So whenever I requested her to help out with something, she would use that argument against me. And because my mom doesn't clean very often, and neither does my younger sister I would do. I would tell myself that someone has to. The issue is that if no one does, my mom would get upset and call me lazy like she's done in the past. And this leads me back to what I'm saying, I have to prove to myself that I'm not.
When I was in school, my teacher was going to fail me. I worked really hard, but my hard work went unnoticed and I was frustrated so I took it to the person who overlooked my department, and he kind of got in trouble because he didn't have a true grading guide that he followed by, so he was forced to pass me to the next portion. I didn't want him to get in trouble, but it bother me that I expressed about how hard I worked.
It seems simple, but during that time I COULDN'T fail. Simple because my financial aid wouldn't allow it. If I failed, I would have had to pay for the course I failed out of pocket. My financial aid was running out. So without a job I had no money. I had no job because I focused on school and my work. This is what I tried to explain to him, but he felt I wasn't ready to graduate. This bothered me because I was willing to work as hard as I had to in order to graduate. Which I did. After spending three months learning a new software, coming up with concepts for three new characters, and sculpting them, I had to push that all to the side and come up with someone new and simple.
At that point I decided to focus solely on prop modeling and had to start from scratch, In the next three months, I had to capture reference (I'll make it clear that my family and I was in the process of moving), and model three props, while also putting together a website, and oh, I was learning how to create a website by myself because my teacher didn't know how.
It was stressful! He said to me that I had "tenacity", and I don't think I do, it's just that when I know the odds are stacked against me I realize that I can either quit or not. I refuse to just give up if I worked too hard to get where I am. Is that tenacity? Because honestly sometimes I feel like breaking down and yell that I quit.
Anyway, he told me that a lot of students came in with work they already had from the prior months. The thing is that I had no work from prior months. Previously, my harddrive had crashed and I lost all my work. Not just that, but what I learned from the Tinley campus, was very mediocre by the standards of the campus downtown. So I had to up my game and learn all that I could.
I found that my life is constantly like this and I wonder if I'm just running out of steam. Honestly, when I first started out at the school I said they were leeching me of my creativity. Everything was so fast paced and I didn't like it. Now, I can actually appreciate all that they taught me, but it doesn't mean it wasn't stressful.
I think it's harmful to always be placed under stressed, and perhaps it's getting to me. The part that worries me the most are the times when I think that perhaps not living a life like this is better than having to deal with it, but I don't want to die because I have a lot of things I want to do in life. Sometimes I feel that things would be better if I took a break from the people I feel that just don't understand me. The issue is that it's mainly my family.I feel so different from them, and honestly my mom's mindset is so off-putting and I never truly agreed with her way of wanting to deal with things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and perhaps that's the issue. I love them, and it keeps me from moving forward. That somehow if I leave, they won't be able to go on haha it's ridiculous, but I try to tell myself that I'm sure they'll be fine if I go off and live my life. I will say that I fear that if I leave, I won't turn back or call them. I'll just keep going.
Why do I feel this way? Well, it's because it's what I'm use to. Growing up, we moved a lot and I went to a lot of different schools. When I made friends, I got use to leaving them behind. It became natural. And this worries me. You see I worry about a lot o things! haha and this is why I'm writing. Because I have a lot on my mind.
Anyway, I'm under the impression as well that it won't be this way. That I'll call sometimes. But I think sometimes I get so caught up in life. And sometimes I notice this, and I'll just stop and sit outside and think absolutely nothing. I feel at peace.
So with all this being said, I don't know if I'm depressed or if I just have a mind that is ahead of what my body is capable of. But whatever it is, it is very annoying and very frustrating. Sometimes I just throw my hands in the air and say "screw it! It's just the way I am" haha So screw sleep, who cares if my eyes are tired? I'm going to work on something! haha like now.
I will say that I'm conflicted a lot. Trying to understand my situation and myself. Because there's just a lot going on. To the outside world it may not seem like it, and I will say that probably sometimes it's not, because I will often live in the moment and those feelings will go away, but they always come back.
I'm sure it's something I have to face, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I should write a list?? The thing is that the world is very beautiful to me. When I remove my concern of having to create my portfolio and my mom and sister are away working, I'm at peace. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just go off and live as a monk or something. Or just go far away and not deal with any of this. Just live and not worry about loans, or getting a good job or making money.
I could just work on a garden and draw whenever I want to.
Yet, it's confusing because I think I couldn't live without a bit of stress hahaha and I wonder if it's simply because I'm so use to this. Actually, it's funny, because for a weekend I was staying at my older sister's house to look after my nephew because she had something she needed to do. Anyway, I stayed there for a weekend and almost lost my mind because I couldn't work on something. I wanted to smash my head into the wall because my only options was to stay indoor, read a book or watch t.v. haha
I have to say that one of my greatest worries is any guy who would date me hahaha I feel sorry for that sucker!! hahaha
Whats more is that I'm sure this is a fleeting feeling. I honestly can't stand it. I feel that I'm a true Cancer at heart and the changing of emotions define me so well. I don't like to think that one's sign define them, because we define ourselves, but me coming into this world this way, what the heck was I thinking.
Whelps! I feel better!! It's a lot to get off my chest, and honestly I'd be surprised if anyone made it this far hahaha Am I okay? I'd like to think so. Hm....actually, you know I once read my birth chart and it said that I become restless when I have to deal with mundane situations and I can't stand staying in the same spot forever and that I'm in need of constant change.
Seriously. I'm kind of lazy, but I don't think I want to move around all the time....but then again, today I did just want to go walking just because the whether was nice *sighs* I'm in for a long journey of self discovery, aren't I?
I'm just going to work on something until I feel sleepy. No need in trying to beat myself over the head. If you read this, thanks for reading. I'm going to try my hardest not to draft this like my previous entries. I get too self conscious when it comes to me writing about how I really feel. But who knows, how I truly feel may not be as strange or as wrong as I think it is.
Mon
Friday, March 16, 2018
Allergies + Updates
Hi!
I haven't typed a blog for a while, so I think now is a good time!
So far this year is off to a rocky start, but I think it could be worse. I'm still having allergic reactions to something which is still causing hives, but I purchased some Wal-Dryl, which is he knock off version of Benadryl lol But it was just the store's version. Honestly I haven't gone to see an allergist yet. I got a diagnosis from a doctor, but it was recommended that if my symptoms persist I should see a physician. A few days ago the hives were not so bad, leading me to believe that I was having seasonal allergies. Mainly it because, I think it was a year or two ago, I had some kind of allergic reaction that I mistook for a cold and it went away, but I didn't have hives. I was so confused because I've lived my life allergies free.
Anyway, I don't like hives, but I do have an appreciation for people who deal with allergies often. At the moment I think it's allergies mainly because I have dry cough and my head is stuffy, my nose seems like it wants to be drippy, but nothing's coming out (sorry TMI) lol But the stuffy head only came while I was sleeping. Before I went to bed I took a Benadryl because I had pretty bad hives on my legs and arms and I think they were going to form on my face (on the face is usually the worst!) Usually I only take medicine if it's all over my body, but if it's just on one area I won't take anything.
So I woke up earlier this morning to see my mom off to work, but decided against it due to my voice not wanting to work properly. That is what made me think I had a cold. I should share that my mom has been having symptoms as well, which made me wonder if she actually had a cold because she claimed her mucus had a hint of green in it, which is usually a sign of infection (sorry, TMI again lol), and because I've been taking a few prescriptions, it is said that it may lower my ability to fight off infections.
However, that is only on the prescription for Prednisone, which I did not take. I only took Banophen and Famotidine, but the latter didn't see to work very well. Plus there are some odd side effects I read online. Benadryl seems to be safer with the main side effect being drowsiness. Besides, those I mainly rely on cough drops, tea, water and at the moment I have my aromatherapy device going and it's emitting a lavender scent. I'm hoping the lavender will help my body relax and the tea will help loosen the muscles in my neck due to coughing.
This is the update on my allergies, and now on to what I've actually been doing. So I have a gig later this month! Yay! It has to do with creating illustrations in VR (virtual reality). Which is cool! I've never done anything in VR. I will be paid for my time :) So that's good as well.
I've also been reading quite a bit about financial stability, investing and budgeting. This is because I have a student loan I have to pay off, but due to the fact that I'm still finding work (perhaps I'm being too picky) I have it on an Income-Driven Repayment plan. I pay what I can using a website called swagbucks, but it's no steady income, yet I use it to at least keep the interest down. It's better than nothing! :)
But I've read time and time again from financial planners that a person should pay off their student loan. Mainly this limits the burden in the long run. I could be strange, or maybe I've played to many video games as a kid, but I see the payment thing as a game. It could also be because I don't actually have any other financial responsibilities as well. Yet, I know this will not always be the case, so I don't take this freedom for granted! I generally appreciate it.
So the event is actually a Global Trade shop, which I have no idea what that means. I was just interested in creating illustrations! I've been thinking up some ideas, but the man who does the hiring said it has to be retail display oriented, which, for some reason, is confusing to me. I could ask him to clarify...actually I will! haha
On another note I would like to get back into knitting or crocheting, but I've been trying to finish up some of the projects from years ago. I'm thinking I'll only choose the one's that really stand out to me, or that I'd really like to complete, rather than trying to finish them all. For me, I've been reading about different ways to view situations so they don't feel like work at all. Just the thought of me knowing some is going to be hard work is off putting lol Actually I've picked up the habit of wanting to clean rather than sitting down to "work something out", weird right! haha
Oh! I've also started some new novels. I read one book called Ikigai about two weeks ago. This is a Japanese term for "finding one's purpose" and how it can lead to a long life. The book covers, not just Japanese diets, but also the diets of other smaller communities in which their are people who exceed the "average" life expectancy. They also visit a place called Ogimi (I think or Ogami) which is in Okinawa. Honestly I'd like to visit Okinawa just to see the beach and visit this village! It seems like a simple life, and I also find it odd to find one's purpose through simplicity. It's possible I only feel this way because I've been told that I have to work in order to succeed in life. Simple does not equal work. Of course we have to work to get things done, but it doesn't always have to be self-sacrificial.
Honestly, I've always disliked the notion of choosing work over one's health. For example, going to work sick or going to school sick, and yet people will say "I can't miss work" possibly because there will be penalties. This is a shame. It's clearly like saying "I don't care how your body feels!" and it disregards the fact that the body is the very thing which is keeping you tied to this place. It's disrespectful given the considering that it's giving a person life, and it's being ignored.
Anyway, I've also started reading this book called The Darkest Mind. It's meh, and I'll usually read it when I'm on the road, or at my sister's house. It's just there to give me something to do sometimes, but I'm not as drawn to it as I had been when I first started reading it. Yet I've made it through other books that weren't so interesting, I'm sure I'll make it through this one lol
Well, that's all for now. I'll write a blog about the event and if I remember I'll take pictures to post as well.
Mon
I haven't typed a blog for a while, so I think now is a good time!
So far this year is off to a rocky start, but I think it could be worse. I'm still having allergic reactions to something which is still causing hives, but I purchased some Wal-Dryl, which is he knock off version of Benadryl lol But it was just the store's version. Honestly I haven't gone to see an allergist yet. I got a diagnosis from a doctor, but it was recommended that if my symptoms persist I should see a physician. A few days ago the hives were not so bad, leading me to believe that I was having seasonal allergies. Mainly it because, I think it was a year or two ago, I had some kind of allergic reaction that I mistook for a cold and it went away, but I didn't have hives. I was so confused because I've lived my life allergies free.
Anyway, I don't like hives, but I do have an appreciation for people who deal with allergies often. At the moment I think it's allergies mainly because I have dry cough and my head is stuffy, my nose seems like it wants to be drippy, but nothing's coming out (sorry TMI) lol But the stuffy head only came while I was sleeping. Before I went to bed I took a Benadryl because I had pretty bad hives on my legs and arms and I think they were going to form on my face (on the face is usually the worst!) Usually I only take medicine if it's all over my body, but if it's just on one area I won't take anything.
So I woke up earlier this morning to see my mom off to work, but decided against it due to my voice not wanting to work properly. That is what made me think I had a cold. I should share that my mom has been having symptoms as well, which made me wonder if she actually had a cold because she claimed her mucus had a hint of green in it, which is usually a sign of infection (sorry, TMI again lol), and because I've been taking a few prescriptions, it is said that it may lower my ability to fight off infections.
However, that is only on the prescription for Prednisone, which I did not take. I only took Banophen and Famotidine, but the latter didn't see to work very well. Plus there are some odd side effects I read online. Benadryl seems to be safer with the main side effect being drowsiness. Besides, those I mainly rely on cough drops, tea, water and at the moment I have my aromatherapy device going and it's emitting a lavender scent. I'm hoping the lavender will help my body relax and the tea will help loosen the muscles in my neck due to coughing.
This is the update on my allergies, and now on to what I've actually been doing. So I have a gig later this month! Yay! It has to do with creating illustrations in VR (virtual reality). Which is cool! I've never done anything in VR. I will be paid for my time :) So that's good as well.
I've also been reading quite a bit about financial stability, investing and budgeting. This is because I have a student loan I have to pay off, but due to the fact that I'm still finding work (perhaps I'm being too picky) I have it on an Income-Driven Repayment plan. I pay what I can using a website called swagbucks, but it's no steady income, yet I use it to at least keep the interest down. It's better than nothing! :)
But I've read time and time again from financial planners that a person should pay off their student loan. Mainly this limits the burden in the long run. I could be strange, or maybe I've played to many video games as a kid, but I see the payment thing as a game. It could also be because I don't actually have any other financial responsibilities as well. Yet, I know this will not always be the case, so I don't take this freedom for granted! I generally appreciate it.
So the event is actually a Global Trade shop, which I have no idea what that means. I was just interested in creating illustrations! I've been thinking up some ideas, but the man who does the hiring said it has to be retail display oriented, which, for some reason, is confusing to me. I could ask him to clarify...actually I will! haha
On another note I would like to get back into knitting or crocheting, but I've been trying to finish up some of the projects from years ago. I'm thinking I'll only choose the one's that really stand out to me, or that I'd really like to complete, rather than trying to finish them all. For me, I've been reading about different ways to view situations so they don't feel like work at all. Just the thought of me knowing some is going to be hard work is off putting lol Actually I've picked up the habit of wanting to clean rather than sitting down to "work something out", weird right! haha
Oh! I've also started some new novels. I read one book called Ikigai about two weeks ago. This is a Japanese term for "finding one's purpose" and how it can lead to a long life. The book covers, not just Japanese diets, but also the diets of other smaller communities in which their are people who exceed the "average" life expectancy. They also visit a place called Ogimi (I think or Ogami) which is in Okinawa. Honestly I'd like to visit Okinawa just to see the beach and visit this village! It seems like a simple life, and I also find it odd to find one's purpose through simplicity. It's possible I only feel this way because I've been told that I have to work in order to succeed in life. Simple does not equal work. Of course we have to work to get things done, but it doesn't always have to be self-sacrificial.
Honestly, I've always disliked the notion of choosing work over one's health. For example, going to work sick or going to school sick, and yet people will say "I can't miss work" possibly because there will be penalties. This is a shame. It's clearly like saying "I don't care how your body feels!" and it disregards the fact that the body is the very thing which is keeping you tied to this place. It's disrespectful given the considering that it's giving a person life, and it's being ignored.
Anyway, I've also started reading this book called The Darkest Mind. It's meh, and I'll usually read it when I'm on the road, or at my sister's house. It's just there to give me something to do sometimes, but I'm not as drawn to it as I had been when I first started reading it. Yet I've made it through other books that weren't so interesting, I'm sure I'll make it through this one lol
Well, that's all for now. I'll write a blog about the event and if I remember I'll take pictures to post as well.
Mon
Saturday, February 3, 2018
Allergies Part II
So my lip is swollen, Mainly the top one. I did absolutely nothing!
I'm sure you can tell that I'm still dealing with some form of allergic reaction. I'm wondering if it's the new coffee. Could my caffeine intake be cause? But I cutback on my intake to only have one cup (or a cup and a half) on the weekends, and/or one other cup throughout the week (sometimes I cheat :P )
But for about two to three weeks I'd only consume coffee on the weekends and sometimes I won't. I'm considering going to see an allergist. But I'm curious as to why now because I've never had an allergic reaction to anything. Can a weak immune system effect if you'll become allergic or not? Is that a dumb question?? lol I should look that up!
I've had one other time where I consider it allergies, and man was it bad! It felt like a cold, but it wasn't, and I was coughing quite a bit. This was about two years ago. I've had times where my wrist would become itchy, but that would normally subside. This is the only time where it is prolonged!
As I explained, I visited an ER a few weeks back and he explained that to him, what I described, sounds like hives. But a swollen lip from no where is not hives! lol I only assume I may be either allergic to the coffee or the caffeine in the coffee as that is the only new thing I consume before my lip swelled up. I only took a few sips though and didn't finish the cup! I also applied a small amount of chapstick on as well before it happened. But I used this chapstick plenty today, but I didn't have coffee at all today until a few minutes ago.
Perhaps it's just the bran of coffee. It's Folgers! I'd like to say that it's not this coffee, as I had some on Christmas and nothing happened. BUT, it could be that my constant intake of it is suddenly causing a reaction.
Regardless, I decided to stop drinking it for a week or two and only consume water. I won't have any tea either. It's quite distracting and a bit frustrating, but things happen. I'd like to get to the bottom of this. If I've suddenly become allergic to something it will be helpful to know what of in order to avoid it in the future.
I will say that I'm grateful it's nothing severe! Some people may get swollen faces or have their air passage blocked. That sucks! I'll take minor swelling and slight itching over that. I think what would suck is to swell up over something you didn't know you were allergic to! How would you know?
Well I'm heading in. My sleep has been pretty restless because my allergic reactions happen when I sleep (I may have to rewash my linen again for the third time!), but I found a slight solution! I wrapped myself up in a sheet like a California sushi roll! It hasn't been washed in the same detergent and it's been folded and put away for a while, so I don't break out as badly. Actually I don't break out as bad unless my leg or something touches the sheet beneath it, which is why I have restless nights lol It's like a game or something.
You're probably wondering how I can make jokes about it, but what else can I do other than complain? It's something I just have to deal with in the meantime. Don't worry, if it makes you feel better I look quite sour in the face when I wake up in the morning, itchy and avoiding my family member's eye contact as I scratch my arms and legs. Happy now? You sick person lol
With that being said, I'll update my progress. I swear if it's something stupid that I'm allergic to, I'm going back to sleep under my rock!
Night~!
I'm sure you can tell that I'm still dealing with some form of allergic reaction. I'm wondering if it's the new coffee. Could my caffeine intake be cause? But I cutback on my intake to only have one cup (or a cup and a half) on the weekends, and/or one other cup throughout the week (sometimes I cheat :P )
But for about two to three weeks I'd only consume coffee on the weekends and sometimes I won't. I'm considering going to see an allergist. But I'm curious as to why now because I've never had an allergic reaction to anything. Can a weak immune system effect if you'll become allergic or not? Is that a dumb question?? lol I should look that up!
I've had one other time where I consider it allergies, and man was it bad! It felt like a cold, but it wasn't, and I was coughing quite a bit. This was about two years ago. I've had times where my wrist would become itchy, but that would normally subside. This is the only time where it is prolonged!
As I explained, I visited an ER a few weeks back and he explained that to him, what I described, sounds like hives. But a swollen lip from no where is not hives! lol I only assume I may be either allergic to the coffee or the caffeine in the coffee as that is the only new thing I consume before my lip swelled up. I only took a few sips though and didn't finish the cup! I also applied a small amount of chapstick on as well before it happened. But I used this chapstick plenty today, but I didn't have coffee at all today until a few minutes ago.
Perhaps it's just the bran of coffee. It's Folgers! I'd like to say that it's not this coffee, as I had some on Christmas and nothing happened. BUT, it could be that my constant intake of it is suddenly causing a reaction.
Regardless, I decided to stop drinking it for a week or two and only consume water. I won't have any tea either. It's quite distracting and a bit frustrating, but things happen. I'd like to get to the bottom of this. If I've suddenly become allergic to something it will be helpful to know what of in order to avoid it in the future.
I will say that I'm grateful it's nothing severe! Some people may get swollen faces or have their air passage blocked. That sucks! I'll take minor swelling and slight itching over that. I think what would suck is to swell up over something you didn't know you were allergic to! How would you know?
Well I'm heading in. My sleep has been pretty restless because my allergic reactions happen when I sleep (I may have to rewash my linen again for the third time!), but I found a slight solution! I wrapped myself up in a sheet like a California sushi roll! It hasn't been washed in the same detergent and it's been folded and put away for a while, so I don't break out as badly. Actually I don't break out as bad unless my leg or something touches the sheet beneath it, which is why I have restless nights lol It's like a game or something.
You're probably wondering how I can make jokes about it, but what else can I do other than complain? It's something I just have to deal with in the meantime. Don't worry, if it makes you feel better I look quite sour in the face when I wake up in the morning, itchy and avoiding my family member's eye contact as I scratch my arms and legs. Happy now? You sick person lol
With that being said, I'll update my progress. I swear if it's something stupid that I'm allergic to, I'm going back to sleep under my rock!
Night~!
Sunday, January 21, 2018
Allergies
I've had allergies before in the past, such as a stuffy nose or itchy eyes, but never have I had my skin react so badly to something!
Hi! Today I spent the better half of today in a medical clinic waiting to be seen, only to be told that I may have had hives (which I guess is similar to a rash or something), and the hives may have been caused by me washing my sheets with this laundry detergent! Who would've thought being clean can cause an allergic reaction! lol
This has been happening for the past four days. I was okay the first time it happened and I was like "Oh, a bug must have bit me in my sleep." because it went away. Then the next day came and it was on my legs. Eventually my mom's comments of "something's eating you up at night" worried me lol and my mom tried to avoid contact with me because she thought it was bed bugs. No bugs! I thoroughly checked my room and room is pretty much clean for the most part. I vacuum often, but I vacuumed my mattress using the hose that comes with it. I took the cover off of my mattress and washed that.
When it finally was told that I could be reacting negatively to something new I used, I boiled it down to the detergent, or the new body wash I got for Christmas. So I'm rewashing my linen with new dye free detergent. It's a shame, because I washed my clothes with the detergent that may have caused the problem. I'm wearing some now! Lol So what I'll do is see if I break out again, if I change my clothes. If so I have to rewash everything! *sighs*
To the wait. I spent four hours waiting just for the doctor to tell me this. But because this ER allows walk-ins, they go by a case-by-case basis, meaning the most severe cases go first. You know, I was surprised to see so many people wearing face mask! But it made me feel a bit happy because they cared about their health, especially considering the outbreak of influenza recently. I'm glad people heeded the warning.
While I waited I continued reading a novel I received from Christmas called The Darkest Minds. It's okay now, but it was better at the start. Anyway, it kept be busy for the most part. The main issue is that I woke up kind of annoyed because I had broke out all on my legs and I had assumed some spiders got a hope to me. So I cleaned my skin, grabbed so fresh linen and moved to another room to resume my sleep. I woke up at 1 in the afternoon, and reheated my coffee from yesterday and grabbed a quick breakfast snack because I wasn't too hungry. Only to find out that Walgreen's clinic would close at four.
I left the house around 3:20-ish, and finally made it back home at 8 p.m. I just ate! I had only one meal today because I only nibbled on my breakfast and took a few sips of my coffee....
This sounds like I'm writing a book hahaha "She then grabs her cup and realized there's no coffee left" doesn't it sound like something like this? lol
So 2018 is off to an interesting year. I guess it's good to experience new things, but I don't know if I should say that in this situation. I guess I'm happy that it isn't anything too serious. I'm not sure exactly what in the ingredients caused the reaction, but I guess we'll see. I still have to boil it down to see if it's actually the detergent that caused it and not my body wash.
They gave me a paper booklet with a lot of information about different kinds of allergies! I was happy for that! It's good to learn new things.
Mon
Friday, January 12, 2018
Ghost Stories/Life Stories
I mentioned in my previous blog that I like the show Paranormal Activity. I understand that there are quite a few paranormal television series, but I like this show because the guy (Ryan) who put the team together claimed to have had experiences with the Paranormal as a child...and also because of Chip Coffey! haha Lorraine Warren is someone he also calls onto the show from time to time. Earlier this morning I was watching one of the earlier episodes (from session one) and he mentioned that Lorraine was a part of the Amittyville Horror case. I've never seen the movie but I thought "Wait...Lorraine? Was she the one on the case for the movie The Conjuring?" and sure enough, after looking up her name, she was that Lorraine. I can't believe I didn't recognize the name haha shame.
Anyway, I've come to view the supernatural a bit differently than I use to when I was younger. Mainly, a friend of mines told me that they're very similar to the living..well some. And after speaking to a load of people throughout my life, I realize that everyone has a story. EVERYONE. Some good, some bad. Some people aren't capable of coping with situations or they have no idea how, so they deal with it the only way they know how. To me, ghost are no exception to this rule, though I prefer to call them spirits. The word "ghost" has been Hollywoodnized to the point where the word just automatically scream EVIL!
Mainly, I'm fascinated by stories even if the pieces are placed together by the living about those who passed. It's interesting to see cases where the pieces start to fall into place on why a spirit is tormenting a household, or a person. Or even why a spirit may be latching onto someone.
I think the Korean movie The Curse of Bushinsaba did it for me. Of course I was terrified watching this movie alone, late at night in my room, but I sat through it, and I came to actually feel a bit sorry for the spirit tormenting the characters in the show. She was really searching for help.
Well, I have to say that I don't think it's fun having spirits follow you and you can see or hear them. That would probably bug me. Some are harmless and usually just like to hang around I imagine, and some just like to pop in and give a bit of inspiration, but for people who can see them from time to time, I wonder if they can just shut it off when they want.
Life stories then. How are those interesting? Most people are under the assumption that their lives just are interesting, but when people tell me the story of their lives I can't help but think that there story is unique to only them. No one's story is ever the same and that amazes me! That alone is enough for me to realize that everyone is so different in their lessons in life, or what they have to learn, but that we're all also similar as well. Some have more to learn than others.
Mostly, the stories of life sound so much like a novel or a movie. It's surprising that some people have dealt with such hardships, and yet they walk around in world as if everything is normal.They're strong people. Some people have dealt with such difficult things, and yet they still go on with life. I appreciate those people. I'm sure it can't be easy.
That's not to say that those people are more important, everyone has their hardships, but some have tougher, more physically, emotionally and mentally draining experiences.
Also, it's interesting to really get to know someone's story. You think you know someone until they talk about an experience from their point of view. Is it bad that even my own family members trip me up with their stories? In a way I think to myself "I don't really know you, the real you, do I?" because people walk with mask to hide those deep dark part of themselves. I'm happy that they share it with me sometimes.
For example, the final teacher I had before graduating, I always thought "he seems strict", but he was actually pretty cool despite a little issue we had (I apologize for making things hard for him). He shared with me pieces of his life and he would spend so much time talking to me lol Of course this wasn't suppose to happen. In this class, we're suppose to show him our work/progress every week. He would check it then give advice, then send us on our way. Me? Well, he would check my work, then start talking about stuff lol of course because I don't really mind, he would talk for so long. After a while I realized he would talk all the way until class was about to end, so I would decide to sit with him last (placing my name at the bottom of the list to be called).
Anyway, the strictness he had was due to his nature of working hard. Of course I've always appreciated his desire to want to see only the best of his students. He really meant well in this regards. He was a kind guy who really cared. Yet I've had many teachers like this. Some were really passionate about what they taught. To me, it's admirable, and it's because of these experiences that I'm happy.
If we go through life, and our spirit guides lead us into situations that are intended for us, I appreciate, acknowledge and hold in high regards the people they bring into my life. I really am happy about the people I've run into, but I guess it also takes time and effort to truly understand someone's nature. I'm not them, but I can get a good feeling for someone. And that's the thing, if you hear what people are saying, a lot of their actions may make a bit more sense, even if they don't see/understand it themselves.
Btw, can you guys believe that all the snow has melted here?! It took only one day and the streets are clear.
That's all for now. This is why I'm not against spirits. I don't think most people believe they exist, and that's fine, I have nothing against them. It's mainly because spirits cannot be seen in the way that human beings can. It would be tough to believe something you can't see. That's a sound reason, and I have nothing against people who feel that way. I don't see them, but I believe they're there. I guess that takes some kind of faith to believe right? Some might ask "how can you trust something you've never seen?"
And that's kind of a tough question to answer. Hm...I guess my response would be that I know that air exist, but I can't see it, but I can breath it. I know that my heart is where it is even though I can't see it, but I can feel it. I have a mind, but I can't see it, but I'm aware that there's something there. It's something that seems intangible, but it exist.
To me, this is similar to the whole "where did humans come from?" concept. Simply because we can gather things up, like fossils, and create a story behind it. It may not be %100 accurate, but base one what our technology is capable of, we'll say "yeah, but it sounds accurate enough." In honesty, it's likely that things were different years ago, or happened a certain way, but because we weren't there (which I think most of us were because I believe in past lives haha) it's hard to make claims that are %100 true.
To me, this is also similar to if I'm writing this blog and someone reads it, but the interpret it their own way. You see the surface of my words, but perhaps the intent that I'm trying to get across isn't completely there. And if something happened to me, or I wasn't around to explain what I really meant, it would just go on as being someone else's interpretation of what they thought I meant.
What I'm trying to say is that as certain as we may think we are, sometimes there is much more, and we aren't always %100 correct. The greatest strength I think we could have that can help in being innovative is seeing that we aren't always right, and that we can always improve.
OKAY! I got here somehow from talking about ghost and life lol well this can be applied to life somehow, I don't know.
Mon
Anyway, I've come to view the supernatural a bit differently than I use to when I was younger. Mainly, a friend of mines told me that they're very similar to the living..well some. And after speaking to a load of people throughout my life, I realize that everyone has a story. EVERYONE. Some good, some bad. Some people aren't capable of coping with situations or they have no idea how, so they deal with it the only way they know how. To me, ghost are no exception to this rule, though I prefer to call them spirits. The word "ghost" has been Hollywoodnized to the point where the word just automatically scream EVIL!
Mainly, I'm fascinated by stories even if the pieces are placed together by the living about those who passed. It's interesting to see cases where the pieces start to fall into place on why a spirit is tormenting a household, or a person. Or even why a spirit may be latching onto someone.
I think the Korean movie The Curse of Bushinsaba did it for me. Of course I was terrified watching this movie alone, late at night in my room, but I sat through it, and I came to actually feel a bit sorry for the spirit tormenting the characters in the show. She was really searching for help.
Well, I have to say that I don't think it's fun having spirits follow you and you can see or hear them. That would probably bug me. Some are harmless and usually just like to hang around I imagine, and some just like to pop in and give a bit of inspiration, but for people who can see them from time to time, I wonder if they can just shut it off when they want.
Life stories then. How are those interesting? Most people are under the assumption that their lives just are interesting, but when people tell me the story of their lives I can't help but think that there story is unique to only them. No one's story is ever the same and that amazes me! That alone is enough for me to realize that everyone is so different in their lessons in life, or what they have to learn, but that we're all also similar as well. Some have more to learn than others.
Mostly, the stories of life sound so much like a novel or a movie. It's surprising that some people have dealt with such hardships, and yet they walk around in world as if everything is normal.They're strong people. Some people have dealt with such difficult things, and yet they still go on with life. I appreciate those people. I'm sure it can't be easy.
That's not to say that those people are more important, everyone has their hardships, but some have tougher, more physically, emotionally and mentally draining experiences.
Also, it's interesting to really get to know someone's story. You think you know someone until they talk about an experience from their point of view. Is it bad that even my own family members trip me up with their stories? In a way I think to myself "I don't really know you, the real you, do I?" because people walk with mask to hide those deep dark part of themselves. I'm happy that they share it with me sometimes.
For example, the final teacher I had before graduating, I always thought "he seems strict", but he was actually pretty cool despite a little issue we had (I apologize for making things hard for him). He shared with me pieces of his life and he would spend so much time talking to me lol Of course this wasn't suppose to happen. In this class, we're suppose to show him our work/progress every week. He would check it then give advice, then send us on our way. Me? Well, he would check my work, then start talking about stuff lol of course because I don't really mind, he would talk for so long. After a while I realized he would talk all the way until class was about to end, so I would decide to sit with him last (placing my name at the bottom of the list to be called).
Anyway, the strictness he had was due to his nature of working hard. Of course I've always appreciated his desire to want to see only the best of his students. He really meant well in this regards. He was a kind guy who really cared. Yet I've had many teachers like this. Some were really passionate about what they taught. To me, it's admirable, and it's because of these experiences that I'm happy.
If we go through life, and our spirit guides lead us into situations that are intended for us, I appreciate, acknowledge and hold in high regards the people they bring into my life. I really am happy about the people I've run into, but I guess it also takes time and effort to truly understand someone's nature. I'm not them, but I can get a good feeling for someone. And that's the thing, if you hear what people are saying, a lot of their actions may make a bit more sense, even if they don't see/understand it themselves.
Btw, can you guys believe that all the snow has melted here?! It took only one day and the streets are clear.
That's all for now. This is why I'm not against spirits. I don't think most people believe they exist, and that's fine, I have nothing against them. It's mainly because spirits cannot be seen in the way that human beings can. It would be tough to believe something you can't see. That's a sound reason, and I have nothing against people who feel that way. I don't see them, but I believe they're there. I guess that takes some kind of faith to believe right? Some might ask "how can you trust something you've never seen?"
And that's kind of a tough question to answer. Hm...I guess my response would be that I know that air exist, but I can't see it, but I can breath it. I know that my heart is where it is even though I can't see it, but I can feel it. I have a mind, but I can't see it, but I'm aware that there's something there. It's something that seems intangible, but it exist.
To me, this is similar to the whole "where did humans come from?" concept. Simply because we can gather things up, like fossils, and create a story behind it. It may not be %100 accurate, but base one what our technology is capable of, we'll say "yeah, but it sounds accurate enough." In honesty, it's likely that things were different years ago, or happened a certain way, but because we weren't there (which I think most of us were because I believe in past lives haha) it's hard to make claims that are %100 true.
To me, this is also similar to if I'm writing this blog and someone reads it, but the interpret it their own way. You see the surface of my words, but perhaps the intent that I'm trying to get across isn't completely there. And if something happened to me, or I wasn't around to explain what I really meant, it would just go on as being someone else's interpretation of what they thought I meant.
What I'm trying to say is that as certain as we may think we are, sometimes there is much more, and we aren't always %100 correct. The greatest strength I think we could have that can help in being innovative is seeing that we aren't always right, and that we can always improve.
OKAY! I got here somehow from talking about ghost and life lol well this can be applied to life somehow, I don't know.
Mon
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