A bit of clarity

So I've come to the  conclusion that I'm not depressed, but I can't give a word to what I've been dealing with on an emotional and mental level. Maybe the word will come to me by the end of this blog.

After typing that last blog I felt better and a few days later I took a trip to the library to get some books. I'll tell you that I read a lot of self-help/self-development books aside from a novel here and there. Anyways, one book I got was about financial development. I would like to think that I'm "broke", but it's the wrong way of looking at it, and these books sure do help.

At the moment I'm not working, which, in itself, seems like an issue, but I'll say that I'm grateful I have a place to stay for the moment. This is even despite everything that is happening. I often have to reflect on this reality and realize that it's something I could NOT have. So there's that.

Anyway, I realized that I've been losing my motivation and it's because I haven't been feeling inspired. Aside from that I'm not surrounded by much support or people that I feel understand my circumstance. This can be stressful and I forgive myself for feeling stressed out. Looking at it from an outside perspective without judgement, if I had a friend who was suffering being somewhere, temporarily surrounded by people who weren't doing much to help lift them up, I would be able to understand them.

Something actually put me in a good mood. I'll explain. Since graduating I set off to improve my skills in 3D. Technically, after graduating, I didn't feel prepared enough to take on an actual job in my career field. So I spent a lot of time watching tutorials, reading pdf, searching the web and working on mini projects. It's been almost a year and I tell myself "You should have more to show for all that you've been doing these past few month!" and then I saw this video by a youtube channel called Alux.

The women in the video said something along the times of "people who are rich, are often improving their skills, or finding ways to improve their skills in the field they are pursuing" and it made me happy! I'm no millionaire, but it dawned on me that I'm working hard with nothing to show NOW, but it won't always be this way.

It's just like a child learning to write. It takes years to perfect your English, and even then some people still aren't very good at it! What's more, is that some people actually become writers and are good at it. What I'm trying to say is that, even after all these months, day in and day out, sitting in front of a computer, reading, all of it will pay off if I keep at it.

At the moment I feel that no one has given me the chance to prove myself simply because I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I'm not confident enough. Perhaps in the traditional 2D way, but in 3D I'm quite meager, and even still there's nothing wrong with that.

What's more is that I'm sure to people who don't know much about 3D and how the process is done, they'd say my work looks fines. And interestingly enough, I've had teachers who have said "as long as it looks good!", but due to me going above and beyond and learning more, there is a bit more to it that can push my work a tad bit more.

Not just pushing my work a tad bit more, but I'm also learning how to create props for games. You see, it takes two years of core classes before a student can graduate from the college I left, and even then the there are teachers who judge your work during the very last quarter to tell you whether or not you will be graduating. Anyways, what I'm saying is that we take two years of gen. ed and some basic art classes, and then another two years of core classes focused solely on our major.

So game students take two years to learn probably most of what I've been learning within a year. With understanding this, I have to forgive myself and stop being so hard on myself for not creating masterpieces.

I will say that yesterday made me happy because I actually created a simple prop, textured it in a software I've been learning and took it into a game engine. I ran up to it in game and got super excited hahaha I'm still learning, and I guess I should just expect that I'll continue to learn even if I get into the industry. I don't think I'll ever stop being a student.

It's a very strange situation. For a very long time I've been the student, but now that I've graduated I'm under the assumption that I have to know everything there is to know about my major. Maybe I know enough. Perhaps I even know much more than I need to know. I'd never know because I've never worked in the industry. But I will say that while I'm bobbing about in life I'll keep learning simply because it's fun.

So no, I'm not depressed. I simply lose sight of things sometimes and sometimes I become frustrated and unmotivated, but it's what I decide to do when that time comes that really matters. Since I'm still moving forward and haven't quit, that means something. :)

Also, I'm sure there will be many more blogs like my previous one hahaha But at least I'd be honest about what I feel rather than bottling them up.

Mon