The feelings of HURT D:

I'm pretty sad right now.

A while ago during class, I wasn't. But I guess the problem won't resolve if I don't do something.In a lot of situations I always feel like the bigger person who has to deal with it although it should be a team effort. I guess the benefit would be that I find peace within a situation. I guess this is one of those situations.

So I already know that my deep felt feelings aren't just rooted to this situation, but rooted to past situations (mainly my childhood). I'm gonna be completely honest because somewhere out there, I know that somehow someone else can relate.

In my family, I'm the middle child. My older sister would get the heat and my younger sister was either babied (until she became a teen), and I was the odd one out. It's nothing new for a middle child (I've known people in similar positions). Anyways, being in that situation is no good for me, but I cope with it the best I can. In that position it's not getting enough attention, not getting that gratification. I've been called a liar, and all kinds of bad name as a kid by my own mom. And everytime she says something hurtful, those feelings come up again. I often wonder if I've even gotten over them. Expressing them to her isn't an option. Honestly, I feel that the best time to tell her would be on her deathbed. It sounds harsh,  but it's the truth. In the past when I've tried she didn't believe me. And even that was hurtful.

I remember wondering if I've been abandoned altogether by my parents. It even got to the point where I thought I don't have parents! And it still feels that way to be honest. I'm just tired of it. Seeking gratification from someone is just pointless if they don't seem to care.

Now, I won't say I hate my mom or dad. No, it's the same with people in general. It's just I know my limits. And I've reached it.

What's interesting is that my birth chart mentioned something like this. It said that if my childhood lacked the support and love I need, then I'd spend my life searching for that. I definitely don't want to do that! But I don't want to be cold towards people either. I want to deal with the situation. But I wonder if I should deal with it (somehow) myself. Turning to other people to help with some inner emotion isn't very helpful because they can only do so much. I'm sure my efforts are acknowledged. In my birth chart it mentioned how I should turn to my own resources because I have them. And this is why I should trust myself more.

I'm thinking it's about time that I start doing this. I'm starting to feel that if I stay on this path it will only bring me down. I know that I have a lot to offer to others, I have love to offer to others, and constantly being pulled and picked at will not help. I'm sure I'll be happier. My birth chart mentioned how I shouldn't rely on others to lead me.

I definitely would still seek advice and suggestions, but I'm starting to understand this a bit more.

All of this I'm typing as a lot to do with my feeling like I'm holding others back. Which is something I do not like feeling! My mom and older sister do not like having to drive me and pick me up from school. They say that it stops them from relaxing. Everytime I thank them, but it doesn't seem to mean anything. I'm always grateful to go to school lol it's something so small, and yet I'm grateful for it.

I feel that if I start doing for myself, I'll definitely end up leaving them behind. Maybe I'm sad because it's like moving away from them. I just don't freaking know! And I'm sitting here crying over it lol I'm a big softy about everything .__. why do I have to cry about unnecessary things.

When I start making my own choices, and relying on myself, I won't feel the need to ask them for anything. This might sound good. Hm....I wonder if I'm like a mother bird who's letting her babies go lol It's like I'm not sure what they'll do without me here. And whats more is I'm acting like I'm going to go far far away!

Tears aside (I'm feeling a bit better), I mourn for the sucker who decides to be my boyfriend or husband. I don't want to constantly cry tears for every little problem. I'm quite honest so telling what's on my heart isn't a problem. It's whether he'll be able to hear me over the constant sobbing lol honestly having someone who's sensitive like me could probably be a pain!

But my point is that I'll grant them what they want. I'll start working hard for myself! I'm asking for help from everyone around me on this one. I'll definitely need the strength! I'm sure I'll get over this obstacle. My teacher told me that I'll have freedom once I get a car. This book I started reading said that any feeling or experience we have, we should pay attention to why we're having it. I think that I've lied to myself enough and I need to move on now.

My poor little sister is tired too. I'd definitely help her out lol it's not her fault she's in this situation. We're too reliant on people who are tired of helping. I'm not saying my older sister and mom are wrong for being tired, I'm just saying I'm tired and sad for making them tired lol I'm considerate like that :P

So my plan is to start working hard now! I need to use my willpower to keep going. I'm sure that once I started I'll gain momentum.

And with all of this said :) I'm smiling again and I'm not crying anymore lol I'm happy again.

Before I end this blog, I always think emotions tell us something. It's not the other person's fault. It's like the other person is a piece to help you recognize something about yourself. Such as hurtful feelings may tell you that those kinds of people or a certain behavior isn't needed in your life. I'm not sure if that's true, but for my situation I think I need some time away from them, and they, with me.

Mon