Contemplation + Philosophy

I think I do a bit of contemplating.Today I sat for 5 minutes to become of aware of everything around me. I can't say I understand the word "meditation", but I seriously don't think I do. But I'm aware that there's awareness of things, so I wonder if it's the same thing.

Anyways, I guess I often contemplate on a lot of things. It helps me to build up what I would do in a lot of situations. 

Sometimes I'd just focus on a situation for a while, going over the possibilities. Sometimes I'm not even searching for an answer. I'd just sit and wonder if it's possible to come to an end. Most situations are endless right. I mean, out of the billions of opinions out there, they may be billions and billions of answers. And billions and billions of thoughts. And dozens of actions and intentions. But a lot of them seem similar, but they have their unique touch of life, based on the person's personality I guess. 

I often contemplate on life. Which direction I can help lead it to. I think about things getting better and how I can contribute myself to the greater whole. It's about myself as well. yes, i have to understand where I'm coming from first. I have to know what I'm good at, what I can do, what are my limits. I have to understand and know that I should do it for myself. Because it won't mean much either wise.

I can sit for hours can think "well, tomorrow I'll have a different answer" or it's because I'll read or see something that make me think "well, this is difference for what I thought of"

And it makes me think that that answer may be good for that moment, and not the next. Is it possible to over-think. I do think it's possible to stifle life with thinking. But who's to say what "living" actually is. I know for sure it's not letting my brain rot in front of a t.v.

I think a lot of our breakthroughs came from the past. I respect that. Back in the time when people went outside and just thought about everything. Before we had the Internet, before t.v.'s, people traveled, possibly by foot, to see the world and wonder. They experimented and saw the stars.

It may have been more physically demanding, but it got the gears working. Nowadays, a lot of new things are just copies of the old things in a new version. Like, I don't get the point of constantly upgrading phones.

My mom finally got my old phone from me. I was perfectly fine with my old phone. The same with my old clothes, holes and all lol

When they upgrade technology, I'm never in a rush to buy it because they'll just make something new and charge more. It's all about money. The productions aren't even unique anymore. They're starting to look like mirror images.

A lot of things are becoming so easy, isn't it? lol Of course it'd be a lie to say I don't take advantage of this, but I also like to stick to my old roots.

I'm not gonna doubt that it wasn't possible I lived a life where doing things this way wasn't the norm. I like to be able to discover. Although I'm not quite to the point of saying "well, that is this" and have it be said that it's something new. To me, what is IS, and that's it. There is no "what is IS, and what isn't ISN'T" because I can't see the ISN'T so how would I know it's ISN'T if this ISN'T actually is indeed IS, or rather, that it exist.

I mean, it has to exist in some form for me to say "well, that doesn't exist" because something that doesn't exist in some form, wouldn't be.

Urgh, it takes time to explain these things. And regardless, I wonder if people think I talk like I'm right. I'm not right! I'm just simply asking questions. I'm always happy for people who answer the question. Sometimes I"m asking a question, for an answer from someone to see their answers, to wonder upon that answer with my question, to gain a new answer, that may possibly become a new question.

So don't expect to much from me in those situations lol An answer is no less of an answer than it was when I was given it. But now, it's in my hands, and I'm just going to play around with it a little. Those people are not less helpful. They are very helpful. And to be truthfully honest, I would feel a bit guilty about doing that to them.

I'd just ask them question over question. This one guy said I was interrogating him lol I told him I wasn't, and that I simply wanted to get to the bottom of his thoughts. And it's quite possible that there isn't much of a bottom simply because it's endless. The possibles are always endless. It's just as vast as the universe.

And goodness, I don't want to think about the universe. I haven't even came up with a solid answer for earth things, let alone thinking of the universe. I mean, it's possible that what's out there is more real than what's here. And then we'd have to become accustom to that lol And everything we thought that WAS, actually turned out out to be well....not much at all. Like scraping the surface.

It's possible we're like little fish in a tank. Sure it seem that that fishtank is all there is and all that ever will be. It reminds me of this time when I was younger. One of the fishes in my mom's fishtank was all the way across the floor from the fishtank. She thought I took the fish out. No, I didn't. Anyways, this fish was halfway across the room (I'm not lying) and I couldn't figure out how that was possible. For one the fishtank wasn't on the floor, it was on a stand.

And now I have a decent answer, it was thinking outside of the tank. Literally! It may have stopped and looked at the surface and said "y'know what I'm gonna do something none of these other fish have ever done"

He may have tried heading for the window though lol It was dreaming big but just couldn't quite make it. Maybe it incarnated into a human now!

Anyways, I think we're like this. I mean the universe is so vast, and we're living on this one planet in the middle of it all. I mean, seriously, think of an endless void. Our knowledge here is possibly just the surface. And some of us think ourselves to be so smart. Maybe by earth's standard.

Well, I'm not mad at them. I actually think those kinds of people are funny. So funny in fact, I created a character like this for my webcomic.

He's considered a smart aleck at school. He ends up befriending this girl who considered herself to be invisible. Anyways, he spends a lot of the time correcting people, and he knows (or so he thinks) he's smart and is always ready to prove he's right.

I love his character!

I think the people who choose the character of "smart" are pretty funny. They're like *adjust glasses* "In quantum physics, blah blaah blah" whatever it is they say hahahaha see obviously I'm not one of them.

Okay, I steered off topic again.

Well, I'm gonna take a nap. I feel better.

I think next time I'll talk about my webcomic, and my creation process. I wonder if process is the best term here.

Well, until next time!
Mon

Last night's dream

So last night I had a dream that me and my younger sister were at this house alone, and it's really late at night. Then this person knocks on the door. On the door are blinds, and curtains are on the window. My sister goes and pushes open the blinds and they start to move back and forth. I know that it's noticeable now that this person knows someone is home. So I run to the back to grab the telephone. And when I come back he burst through the door with a gun. Holds it to my sister and shoots her, aims at me and tries to shot me but I duck and battle him for the gun.

Anyways, I end up beating this guy up and for some strange reason I didn't tie him up lol that would've made more sense. So I call the police.

I can't remember in complete details how it led up to this point, but more people come by and they all start trying to find this thing that's in the house. The cop was actually crooked and in the house for the same reason. In the end O__o I was actually the bad person who planned everything lol I dunno. But I remember being shocked at the end of the dream because the plan was to have someone else kill another person, I shot the last person standing (while wearing gloves) and put the gun in their hands.

Then I woke up hahaha

Worthiness

"You are worthy. As is everyone else. Unworthiness is the worth indictment ever visited upon the human race. You have based your sense of worthiness on the past, while I base your sense of worthiness on the future. That is where your life is, not in the past. What you have done is unimportant compared to what you are about to do."
      A conversation With God

Is connecting so simple?

So last night I continued to read this book titled Conversation with God, by Neale Donald Walsch.

I'll share a short experience, then explain why I'm writing this in the first place.

So, I've read his two other books, and I have to say that I do doubt. It's amazing how sometimes I'll hear myself say something like "I read this.." and then it seems as if what I'm saying is "right" or "true"! It's more like, this information makes sense, I understand it, so it's okay. Because my mind possibly grows, a lot of things will likely change. Things are always changing, right?

It would be a bit (what's the word), I'll say strange, to say that our bodies don't grow, right? Well, I believe the same holds true for a lot in life. In the same sense that some may say "my body is growing" so too do I say "my mind if growing" because I've expanded from the time I was born until now. I can honestly say I understand a bit more.

Now that I've explained that (which I really don't have to explain it, but I wanted to lol), when I read this book for the first time, I had my doubts. I thought "how do I know he's having a conversation with God?" and it took me a bit of time to tell myself not to take it personally. That it's just words unless you make it more than just words. It's up to us to choose what we'll believe? Does it make you a more sane person? Does it help you?

So I thought that it wouldn't hurt. A lot of what he writes isn't to cause harm, or it doesn't bash. It's loving. So I figured, wherever he's getting the information, it's out of love.

So to the point. I was reading this book last night, and in the book God (I'll be honest, the word "God" does not much for me. There's too many "stories" as to what "God" is, so I'll probably use Creator, or whatever in the future) said upon dying, our thoughts, they work quicker.

That time is just an Earthly thing we created. That in reality we are actually living in past, present, and future. But, that our thoughts take longer to manifest. But as a soul, it does not. It's instant. I was told it was due to our density here. That there's some kind of Net which makes it so our thought experiences have a time lapse.

HA! And my boss at my old job thought I was weird for saying "me and time don't get along" lol Yes I said that to him xD He was confused. But I don't care.

Back to the point though lol This Being said that nothing much changes when we pass on. The only thing that changes is we become lighter, and we can actually "feel" that we are experiencing everything all at once and we can be at multiple places at once, and that we can regroup ourselves when we want.

Now, to people who don't even care for this kind of information, I think it's pretty cool. I mean, we get to float around and create using only our minds. Now here's the thing, the same thing is possibly on Earth as human beings. The only difference is we're dealing with physical matter.

For example, imagine a tree. See? There you go lol you just created something using your mind.

Now if I were talking to someone they might say "um....but what's the point? What could this do for me?"

Well, it's simple, think of a writer who thinks up a story. They may decide "hm, I'll put these ideas in a book." and so they create it physically. Sometimes we do have to work to get things done here. We're not just dealing with mental imagery, we're dealing with physical resources. So I do believe it's possible, everything is possible because of this.

Of course, things like changing a community will take more time to do then to go back and change some a story that's written in notepad or Microsoft word. We're talking about obstructing that has been created and manifested for years. It's like writing a book that more than 30,000 pages long and wanting to go back and make some major changes. That's going to take a while. Because you may have to make other changes in order to smooth things out.To make it "flow" properly.

Sometimes, certain parts just don't work like they use to.

Now, I'll ask a huge question. With the fact that this is very possible, let's say it's something that is "true", then why is it that people are waiting? What are you waiting for?

We die, we incarnate, we wait some more. We say "it's impossible", but in reality it's saying "I don't feel like it" we see destruction and complain. But you know, I can understand. It's years of work that we're seeing here.

Take the two different Muslims groups for example. They have been at odds for years. I'm not sure how true this is, but they feel that Americans are in the way. There is one group who believes that, I guess their concept of Jesus, will come to earth and make things better. But that this Being is afraid to come down because of all the chaos. Do I find this ridiculous? Absolutely not. I don't think they're crazy either. I think they're like all people who have a belief. To them it's "real" just like to others our their religions are "real", but I raise my hand in the air when it comes to harming others. This is just something I can't condone.

To understand this, I imagine myself creating something like, some words that people feel is good for them and they follow it, of course I understand they'll take it the way they want. Then I pass on, I'm doing my thing in the universe, and suddenly I find that they're killing others who don't follow by what I said. It's like "nowhere did I say you have to kill anyone?" that's not worship, that's like manslaughter. Besides, I wouldn't want anyone worshiping me in the first place. I said those words to help. If they help you, it's good, if it doesn't, that's fine to.

I draw the line when it gets to that point. Now am I saying I'm someone great? I won't say that I'm not, because that's belittling and I feel we're all great. But I am saying that because I could place myself in that position, I can say "Oh, well I wouldn't want people doing that to me" and I can tell myself "well, then don't do it."

What does this have to do with the whole fighting situation? Well, if everyone would just take a second and stop, I mean literally just stop! Stop and look around and see what is going on. That there's no "real" destruction, but the one we created. Erase humans from the face of the Earth and all you have in the Earth doing it's thing. Providing for animals, the water etc. Yeah, there's hurricanes, and volcano eruptions, but it's a part of life. And it's natural. It's nature. Besides, an increase in those things could have been a part of our contribution. We give unnatural gases to power our whatever. In turn, we receiving the consequences of increased rain, or acid rain. We know this. There's people who mention it. But some don't care.

Anyways, the point of this whole thing is how our thoughts and our intentions manifest. In the book it states that it could take weeks, months, or even years. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm gonna take this to my advantage. If it really is this simple, then why not use this gift.

Oh! One thing that caught my attention are newly departed souls who have to understand that their thought can cause harm to others. Now I was new to this concept, but a friend of mines often talks about being spiritually attacked. I thank her greatly for all that she's done to help me. Now, I'm not sure how this works, but I guess it may have something to do with this. I'm not saying the one's doing the harm are newly departed souls, but that some being out there could wish upon a living something not so good, possibly knowing or not knowing it could cause harm to them. It's the same thing as fighting, what the heck if the point?

If you dislike someone, maybe you should sit down and think about yourself for once. Does that person have something you want? Why envy them for it? Why not work at improving yourself. Understand that it took time for that person to get to where they are now, so the same may apply to you. It's like learning a new lesson, it's mind grappling, but it's not impossible. Stop with the nonsense!

In this book, it says that some newly departed souls may be looking down at their body, but they are still them. I have experienced this firsthand, so I understand it a little. You can still see, you are consciousness and not the body you're in. Does that mean we should treat our bodies like crap? No! For the love of all that's sane, no no no!

I use to like junk food. But I've cut down after I read about how complex the body is. It's a gift. A lot of what's in our body happens unconsciously. That means, that our conscious self has to work to help these unconscious processes. Do you seriously think we are given a body to screw it up? It's to help us learn. It's a gift. It's a frickin' gift lol

We should be lucky we don't have to worry about controlling our heartbeat, making sure we are breathing, controlling our digestive system, controlling our blood flow. All we have to do is live and learn from our mistakes. Keep our body in top condition to use it for the purpose we were given it in the first place. To experience.

Now, one interesting concept in the book, and not just in the book but by a philosopher as well, is that nothing in the world is %100 bad. That everything has a purpose. Which means smokers experience smoking for the purpose of knowing what it's like to smoke. It's said that this is not "bad", not in the sense that it's "wrong", but that it's an experience. Now, health wise, we know it's not good. I'm not saying "Go smoke to experience it!" it's something created by humans y'know. If this Creator didn't want it to exist, it wouldn't. It is experiencing everything and all through everything that is exist. Even you. Why this Creator would want to experience smoking lol I have no idea, but I won't question it.

What I'm saying is this, everything is connected, but that doesn't mean we should create unnecessary pain or chaos, just for the heck of it. Somethings are just unnecessary and if we just stop for a second lol I seriously mean this, we'll see that things are not as complicated as it seems. In argument and it's getting heated? Stop. Just stop. Even if the person stares at you confused, you two should just stop. Just stop and stand and experience. Think to yourself "why am I taking this personally? Is this necessary? How will doing this help me?"

Trust me I understand that arguments happen. They happen, yes. It's normal, or we've made it normal. But this same friend I mentioned above, posted this very great picture on fb that said something like we yell because we feel our hearts are so far apart. I can't find the picture :/ But it said something similar to this. O would really like to quote it because it was very nice.

When we stop, and just sit and talk, and one listen, and I mean truly listen, we get to the bottom of the problem. If you're in pain, maybe that person can help you. Or maybe they even know someone who can help you.

This has seriously helped me a lot. I still have times when I get annoyed. It hasn't dissipated lol but when one of my family members who say something, I'd feel a tinge of annoyance and I'd want to say something, but I'll stop myself. Because, either, they didn't understand what I was meaning to say, and it's not my fault (I'd be more at fault to continue with the argument) or they don't really mean it because they're unsure themselves. Either way, it's a misunderstanding in the form of an arguments.

I applaud people who can tolerate people who just want to argue and fight. I applaud people who deal with people who want unnecessary drama. Possibly because they know it will lead to something that isn't in the greater good of either. So they're helping even the person doing the arguing.

I'm understanding this. In my mind I have this picture of myself where I'd like to be the person who understand that it's possible to fall in love with someone new, that my partner can come to me and say "I've fallen in love with someone new" and I can understand it with a clean heart and allow him to go. As I feel that that is love in it's true form. It's love without condition, limits or restriction.

I will be this person. I feel it's more healthy. And then when it's come time for me to pass on I can say "I've experienced love and I understand it in it's true form"

To know that if I'm at odds with someone, that it's okay. Because sometimes we don't always agree, but if we can say "well, that's fine. Let's just go our separate ways" then I'd be happy. They may not have the strength to say it, but I'd be happy if I can utter this.

I won't say "I wish I could be this person" because I know it's possible because I know such a thing can exist because it exist in my mind as who I will be.

Will I be fit to teach people? Who knows. Will people listen or understand my word? I have no idea. Do I understand what I mean? Yes, and I believe this matters. Because when I believe in myself, I'm living. I don't feel I have to harm anyone. As I love the bodies we are given. That it's like a radio we are given, to help pick up transmissions, to help communicate information to others, and that over time, it'll need a tune up. That it becomes worn, and the batteries inside, the thing which truly matters, the energy inside the batteries which kept it running, will give way, and that energy will go into a new form, back into the completeness it came from.

And we can either hasten the damage of our new radio and treat it like it's no one's business, or we can be respectful of this present and treat it with respect and love and be thankful we were given this gift in the first place.

I'll be honest, I'm in a happy state of mind, regardless. I'd like to share this with others. And now I understand this is the reason why I speak or communicate in the first place. Should I become an inspirational speaker? I've never considered this lol Well, we'll see where I end up in the future. But all of my blogs here are, not just for others to read, but for me to understand  myself in all my confusion, mistakes, etc. I guess in a way, I'd like for others to understand that there is no harm in being yourself %100. Honestly, when I type these words, I would think "am I even helping anyone?" and now I think something like that, it doesn't matter.

My true reason, yes, is to share with others, but it's also a release for me. And if it happens to help someone I'd be happy. It goes to show that there are people in the world who care about what you say. That there are people in the world who will say "that person is interesting", even if you are a bit eccentric.

My favorite singer Gackt, a lot of people say he's weird, but a lot of people love him as well! So if he thinks "maybe I shouldn't have said that", people love what we said. It makes him who he is. And that's what people love about him.

Another classic example are Kanye West and Kim K. I don't really care that they're together, it doesn't bother me. But I read a lot a negative comments and I can only imagine the negativity these two might be feeling. I saw an article yesterday about Kanye explaining why he loves her. And I thought "that's so sweet of him!" But people were bashing them. Why? Why would you do that?

Some people are always quick to say "I wonder how long this relationship will last", but why? Why does that concern you?? Would you want someone treating you that way? When you say "I started dating again!" and they scoff and say "Well, it won't last long" and start listing all of your negative traits and the reason why your negative traits will cause it not to last long?

If you feel it won't last long, you don't have to announce it to the world. You can, but seriously, why? Will it heal your inner hate because you said it? Won't you just end up wanting to hear more about them?To those people, wouldn't they be the one who'll click on the next article about them and comment "I don't know why I clicked on this" and I'll think "yeah, not only that, but you even commented too"

In my opinion, let's be fair and say it's possible that that person as a deep yearning for what that person has, and because they don't have it, they have a hate for the people who do have it. Everyone wants to be happy. I truly believe everyone does. In some form or another. Everyone wants to be loved right. To know they belong somewhere. To know that someone understand them. But, and I say BUT, you cannot expect this. Because some people aren't at the stage yet. Yes, it's said we should give without expecting, but some people do.

Stop expecting all the time and be happy there's something you can give in the first place. I understand that it's nice to be given, it is. But what about that little bit of happiness you feel when you truly give.

It seems harsh, but if you give, don't expect the person you gave to will give you anything. It will literally help you not to get angry or be disappointed. It'll save you the heartache.

I'm sure some people may have mentally of "well, if they aren't gonna give me anything, then why should I give anything?"

Yeah. I can see how some people would have this mentality. If you aren't happy giving, then so be it. Don't give. I won't tell you to. Do you feel happy that I said that? lol

I'm not sure if the universe does this to help us learn, but if we expect, we don't receive, but why? I say not to expect, because from experience it SEEMS as if if I gave something, I haven't RECEIVED a thing. But no no hee hee, I have. But they come in forms that seem like simple things.

For example, I could have given something I thought was big, and in return I get a ride to a place I needed to get to for an appointment. Or I late for my bus, but my bus was late, and so in reality I was on time.

Those seem like simple things, but they aren't! Those are coincidence!

To the people who want to give, and want to receive, stop expecting and give. Then pay attention. You'll see what I'm talking about. Even if it's a month later, you'll have a good day and you'll be surprised, you'll probably think "today is going so well" and likely forgot about the thing you gave.

This ties in with the whole time delay thing here on Earth.

I don't speak out of my neck here, I speak from experience. Look, I think like a lot of you, I'm just opened to the possibilities.  And honestly, the possibilities are endless. :3

This was longer than expected!

Well, the sky's the limit.

Smile. You deserve to be happy. No matter what okay~

Mon

Also, to my friend lol I read your comment. You're silly :)

Tarot cards + celebrities + Limelight=success + all around randomness!

Hi!

So I have some time (a week) before my classes begin. I checked out four books recently and I'm determined to read as much as possible.

Anyways, since I started taking my break from my manga, which I finally finished Chapter 3 last Tuesday, I decided to dedicate some time to relax. The problem is I don't actually know what that means lol when it comes to relaxing, I guess I think of doing things I enjoy. I wanted to take a break from thinking for my manga, drawing, etc. and recharge, but I guess that goes against relaxing because I'm still using my mind.

The reason I'm writing this is because I started thinking "what's the best way to use my time?" or "What should I focus on?" since my focus is often moved from one thing to another. It was hinted in more than one of my birth chart analysis, from two separate websites, that I should learn to channel my energy towards activities that matter. And I'm sitting here wondering "Well, what exactly is that"

I'm very certain that my dreams have been hinting to me this message. I've been having dozens of dreams where I would either be trying to walk home, or go to a certain location that I'm sure I know where it is, but I end up getting lost and end up somewhere else. And this is the dream, me constantly trying to find that "place"!

I don't think it comes from my family telling me what I should do.On the inside I can definitely feel there's something, but I'm not sure if I'm reaching it. As I'm reading I think "am I getting anywhere?" when I certainly feel like I'm not just sitting in one spot.

Maybe this has something to do with programming. The fact that sitting still and not doing much is seen as lazy or unproductive. When in reality, there have been people who have received visions by just sitting in one spot. They are seers, visionaries, prophets.

Anyways, to the point, tarot cards! I got some tarot cards maybe 2 years ago. I never asked for any, but I'm sure they could be of use. My mom got them for me. Secretly, I think my mom can read things about me lol No joke. She's really something sometime, but I think she has a kind of insight that she's not quite aware of.

She got me two different kind of tarot cards, regular tarot cards and angel tarot cards.

In the past I've picked up the book to read both, and I thought "This is going to take some time!" because it's a practice, and it takes learning. At the time I was learning 3 languages, so I didn't feel like I could fit in tarot cards, my head would probably explode.

This has made me realize that I'm trying to squeeze everything in within a short amount of time. I had school. reading all kind of books on metaphysics, learning a language, trying to deal with life. When I look at it  I think that it doesn't sound like much, by I was over working my mind. And there were things going on in my head so I needed a break.

But back to the tarot cards. :3 I like the angel tarot cards, they're so pretty.I will definitely learn how to properly use tarot cards. The answers provided are mainly from our high self. Using tarots is like having faith in yourself, letting loose, believing, and allowing yourself to connect to your heart and inner being.

I think I haven't quite gotten to that point. Mainly I'm surface browsing and learning. Somehow, I feel that I may be trying to understand the surface, when the true answers are on the inside. It's not like I'm running out into the world to fix things, not yet anyways, but I'm putting together pieces, finding a common ground, on the surface. Making myself comfortable first.

I guess it would seem I'm looking for something on the surface, and deep down I know all the answers are within. Bleh. I'll figure it out eventually lol I'm not sure how close I am. Or if I'm already there. Maybe I'm expecting it to be some way, that I'll suddenly be able to see auras, or angels, or whatever. But I think I'm getting the wrong impression. Or maybe I'm getting so many impressions and I sorting them out.

Oh oh! Also, I've had two dreams so far where I'm helping people find something. One dream was about a friend of mines and my younger sister. Her cat ran away and I helped her find it. Then, about two days ago, I had a dream my friend's little sister's baby was kidnapped or missing O__o I dunno, and I was helping her find her baby.

I haven't looked into these dreams. Usually my dreams seem to have symbols over symbols. I also stopped writing my dreams down too lol they're so complicated sometimes. Also, sometimes my dreams are just junk dreams. Where my mind is just getting rid of stuff, just imagining and running wild.

Well, I think what led to me thinking so much is that I realized I'm getting to the age where people start to wonder about their careers. But I don't. And I would think "well, that's a problem isn't it?" but I don't think so. I've had this idea that we can plan what we want, but things don't always go this way.

I think I'm just taking whatever comes. But I also understand that some planning should be done though, you know. Like, we aren't just limited to a set plan, that we still have some free time, some time where we're free to pursue things we enjoy.

Such as with animation. "Do I really enjoy this?" is what I've been thinking. I'm not bored with drawing, but I've come to see that they expect an artist to draw so much! I draw so often lately because of all the things I've been reading and skills I've been honing (this is the reason I'm taking a break you see). There's so many things to do on earth! To think I use to say "I'm bored"as a child lol now I just utter "I can't fit everything in one day", with the relaxing, the watching a t.v. series, the reading about the t.v. series, learning how to improve my writing skill, learning to improve my baking skills, wanting to learn about herbs, wanting to travel, needing to fit in times to chat with friends, needing to learn how to animate. See! It's crazy lol

So animation is a part of it. So is cooking, and so is learning to garden. This is why I'm in my rut wondering "which one is more important? Which one should I focus on most?"

My birth chart says I shouln't give up art no matter what. A teacher's assistant at the school I attended downtown said that maybe I shouldn't consider animation as a career, but as a hobby. Of course I was frustrated with him lol But I guess I should. But then I wonder what I should do. I may have things I understand, but how to use that to work, or to provide for myself.

Thinking about all of this, I think to myself  that the people who are my age, really shouldn't worry so much about things like careers. Especially if they aren't completely sure. I mean, I think there's this pressure that people have created that certain things should be done at a certain age. It's unnecessary pressure. There's this thing that people who are over 30 shouldn't live with their mothers, or parents, that by that age, they should have their own. That it's looked down upon. And although we aren't living in the past, such things were common. It gave their young adults time to focus on what they wanted to make of themselves, rather than forcing them to go out into a world where they're uncertain of themselves, let alone how they'll properly take care of themselves, when they aren't even sure who they are!

I think being in high school isn't even enough time to find out what we want to be, what we want to do etc. Some people are lucky to already know "this is what I've come to do!" but the lot of us are still uncertain.

In high school we're doing homework, trying to figure out where we fit in. For the most part, they leave high school just as confused, or feeling "it was full of people just copying each other" and by our senior years, we're expected to know what we want to go to college for. It's amazing how many people I hear are going for the same thing only because it pays well. And I think "is that all that matter? Is that why people choose a certain job?" and soon, they go out into the world, work in this field, and isn't happy. But they've started a life with children, and a husband, believing they've found their place, only to find that they aren't happy. So they job flop. From one job to the next, they keep doing this.

In high school I had an art teacher who said she did this. She is married and has children and she said she never thought she would be an art teacher, but that she loves her job!

So I think we should allow ourselves a lot of time to figure out who we are. Don't be afraid to sit still and just think "what do I wanna do?" and try it out. Get your feet wet. Don't just jump into the lake!

To me, 30 isn't old. Neither is 40. And even 50 isn't old. 60 is okay. And 70 is about the marker of a person who has seen a lot of life. 80 is great! And 90 could possible be the person who can say "I've found it finally. I understand who I am. What my purpose is."

And by then, some young people may go "isn't it too late? That person is old, they'll die soon right?"

That's not the purpose! It's never too late. I'd be happy to be on my deathbed and say "I finally see it now. I finally understand where I belong in all of this" then to pass on not knowing, or not finding out anything.

I wonder if to some people they wonder why this is important to me. Honestly, I can't say. I've been sitting here thinking "being in the limelight=success right?" I mean, you got people who will listen to you, they see you, you have money. But I thought that it doesn't take away the fact that you are still you when you return home. The only difference is you are you with people watching you. It doesn't equal answers. It's like shouting "hey look at me! I'm important because people know my name"

When in reality, the same thing can be held true for someone not very well known. They could be teachers, or police officers. They don't need the limelight to be important. For us to say that they matter. The attention is good, but it's not all that matters. Maybe it's the message they want to share.

You know, I don't dislike celebrities, I dislike the terms given to them. Such as the word "celebrity" it's like a term that separates them from us "common folk" when in reality, they aren't separate lol They are out neighbors on earth. They breath the same air. They travel like any other well paid person, or a person who saves up money to travel. Who cares if they drive nice cars? Or sport nice clothes? Those things don't make them. And if they think so, they have a lot to learn lol clothes are like camouflage. It covers the surface, but it never fools us that they are still who they are without it. A chameleon is still a chameleon regardless of the color it chooses.

It may make them feel goo to have those things. That they are well supported. But I've spoken to people who call the streets their home and I've learned more from them in 5 minutes than I have hearing a so called "celebrity" talk for 30 minutes in an interview. It may seem like I'm bashing them, no, I'm bashing the ones who place so much importance around them. They glorify these people, almost to the point of worshiping. I wonder if they've forgotten how fabulous they are as well.

When I think of famous people, I think of people getting attention paid to themselves, over things they enjoy doing. To them it may be "okay" or "fine" because it's like, why not? They're still doing what they enjoy. This is why I have nothing against some of them lol Some of them.

Just like some of them, there are those who seek it and expect things to get better. Or who misuse it. Then young people idolize them, and try to mimic them. They're trying out what someone else is, in order to see if it works for them. I have nothing against that. They'll break out of it eventually. But it's the terminology used for people in the limelight that just screams "I'm separate from you!"  and it bugs me a little lol

This is all I thought when I thought "success= being in the limelight" and soon I came to the conclusion that I can still make a difference without the spotlight. It's not needed. I've read books by authors who some people may have never heard of, but their messages are good. The same goes for people in the limelight, I've heard some good messages from some of them, and I thought that it was nice to hear.

Well, enough of that. It took a completely 360 lol

In the end, tarot cards, limelight, all of that goodness. This will be titled "random post" lol I came in with a purpose and ended up talking about something I didn't intend on. Let it be known that if anyone were to have a conversation with me, it will likely be all over the place. I seriously need to learn to focus on one thing at a time lol I can see how this can be overwhelming.

That's all for now!

Have a great day and smile

Mon

Goodnight

I'm heading to bed early tonight. I have a headache >_< It's tolerable though, but I won't linger online.

I'm planning to finish up the final pages for Chapter 3 of my webcomic. I have about 3 more pages to do! So yay!

Then I'll be taking off for the fall and up until winter to work on my class assignments. I had originally planned to have Chapter 3 done at the start of this month >_< But I just haven't been working on it consistently! I tried though lol

The main reason I give myself a deadline so I won't get out of the feel of having a deadline. It's common to have deadlines at my college, so I thought it would be nice to give myself a deadline. I guess I'll have off all of this week and then all of next week and on the 30th I start my classes!

I'm really looking forward to them. I'll try my best.

Now I should get some rest.

Night~

Mon

I have a telescope!

So I got a telescope from Dave & Busters! I got this a few months back. I haven't really "used" it since than, but I did put it together to see what it's like. The reason I haven't used it is because I have to be in an open space to actually capture anything. There aren't many opened spaces in my neighborhood :/ So I have to wait.

So I feel like a super excited nerd lol But I'm not! But I was really excited. I recently had this feeling of wanting a telescope. I'd like to just stare up at the stars. I already enjoy looking up at them when I can now. I'd also like to look at the moon a bit closer as well.

I think I spoke about this already, but my older sister use to have this biology set (I think it was a biology set). It came with insects in those little cube things, a microscope and the glass slides. She never wanted me or my little sister to touch it, but I did use to play with the insect cubes. I really remember the one with the fly in it hahaha

I'd like a microscope. I'd love to examine hair pieces or...well, just about anything. Microscopes are amazing invention. It allows us to see living orgasms that we can't see. I'd like to examine dirt or a leaf.

Now here's the thing, I don't want to take a biology class! lol With classes come test, with test comes studying. And I'm an all around person. My focus goes from one thing to another. There's too much to learn to sit in a classroom focusing on one thing for 30 minutes. I did take a biology class in high school, and I just couldn't wait to use the microscopes. But we couldn't even use them that often :/ I was highly upset.

At least alone I can take my time.

Anyways, maybe I should've explained what Dave & Busters actually is. It's a game arcade. I really like it! I like the games where it's easy to get a lot of tickets lol The tickets are weighed and points are given and are placed on a card. The card also carries the coin amount and points. These points are used for prizes. I used my points to get a video game and a telescope. *__* I never thought it could be so easy.

But I thought that they could profit off of this as well. For a game that would probably cost $50 at most, I would probably spend about $100 at this game arcade just to win the game with my point balance lol But I guess it's the thought that I could play multiple games for just $100 rather than being able to buy one game for $50. So maybe thinking of it that way I profited as well.

Oh! So today I'm at the library! Yay~

I'm hungry though because I haven't eaten anything yet and it's already past noon. It's not so bad though, but I'm a bit focused on the grumbling in my tummy. I like this library. It's in our old neighborhood. :3 It's a nice neighborhood~

Oh no! My sister is done with her test. Oh! Maybe I should've mentioned the reason why I'm here. Well, my sister had to take a test at a testing center. So I decided to join :3 I get to look at all the books I can. I only got the chance to look through 3. The last one was about philosophy.

I'm gonna be random here, but I'm having a tough time trying to figure out what I'm gonna be in the future. What job I'll have. etc.

Gotta go now. They're standing in front of me lol

Mon

09/14/13

So I haven't typed much here. It not because I have nothing to type about, but because I've been a bit "still" and just relaxing. I have two weeks left before my classes began and I've been working on my webcomic.

I did type a journal the day before yesterday, but I forgot what it was about. I guess I'll copy and paste that here.

Before I paste this, I'd like to add that my thoughts when typing usually skip or I go from thought to thought to catch each and everyone. It's easier to just sit and think without writing because my thoughts are usually faster than I can write. Also a lot of thoughts seem to be random, but I type them anyways. Also, I don't usually re-read my post lol it feels a bit strange. So if there are errors it's because I don't go back to re-check my work. I'd probably get nervous and try to change things.

So here we go! The time when I wrote this was about 3 something a.m. I didn't finish until 4:12 a.m.

"I think life is all about finding one's self. Being completely comfortable with balance and moderaity (that's not a word is it?). It's having the strength to live as who you are without having to consult someone else about who you are, what we are, and who we are. When we know who we are, there's no need to judge others, as we understand they are on the same path of discovery.

On good or bad choices, I feel that they are all parts of understanding who we are as a whole. Of course responsiblity for actions rest on the individual. And even though it's possible to destroy one's own home and others home as well, we are not, in the individual sense, held accountable for the actions of others.

I feel that choices are just that. Choices. We have pinned terms on everything and also categorized them. But if words had no meaning, then those things would be meaningless. They would only exist in their own right. Just as humans in their own right. And just has each and every person in their own right. And everyone's personality. And so on.

Consciousness. Maybe it's just me, but I experienced something the day of on incident with the car "accident". I don't believe it was an accident at all, believe it or not. To this day I still think about my easiness towards the situation. Of course I'm still a bit afraid of cars (not as stifled as I was after the accident) or should I say I'm cautious. Anyways, I remember being a little sore. I found the situation a bit funny because my sisters were worried about me. It was a school day, I believe they both stayed home. I remember just being happy and when my mom asked if I wanted to take the old lady who hit me to court, I answered, without hesitation, "no" it wasn't necessary.

At the time I didn't understand the situation. But now I feel like I do. Of course on the ride home I had horrible thoughts. Such as "She's old. She'll probably pass on soon, I should've just took her to court." I pushed those thoughts away and I'm happy with my choice.

Although it seemed like an accident, and it was a bit out of the norm from what I'm use to experiencing, I felt like if it hadn't happened, I wouldn't be where I am now.

Anyways, back to the point. That day I had an experience where I was out of my body. It was a very split and quick second. Possible 5 seconds. I felt myself seperate from the body I know. Of course I still felt feelings. But it happened so quickly that I couldn't process much. It was seriously no more than 5 seconds.

Of course to someone who may not have experienced this, it would seem crazy. Of course because they haven't experienced it. I take this situation and I apply to a situation where someone explains to me why they stay in a bad relationship. From the outside looking in, it's easy to say (and almost natural and common) "well that's just dumb" or "that doesn't sound right" because we aren't experiencing it the way they are with their "uniqueness."

Explaining how we see the situation is fine I believe. But in the end they are the one to experience it. Live it.

Anyways, applying me viewing a situation I've never been in before, and looking at my own experience, I can understand what some people may think or feel or believe about what I may say. There's doubt. And mainly, I think it may have something to do with them not knowing what to believe in.

And it brings me back to knowing yourself to such a complete and definite depth, that, regardless of what someone else says, it doesn't effect you personally. It becomes only words that they share.

I know I still have some says to go. I mean, seriously today my sister was sharing something with me and I thought "why is she telling me this? How is this relevant to me?" it was in a way of "okay, why should I care?" She was still talking, and I had to stop myself and say "She's sharing it because it's meaningful to her" and so I started listening. And after she finished I thought to myself "it must be really bothering her." even though I didn't say anything.

At this moment it makes me think about how things bother me, and I would like someone to listen. To truly listen and to understand. And now I understand a bit more about what true listening is. I think, it's not that the person wants someone to answer their questions for them, but lead them to the answer they already know.

It's like the situation where someone goes to someone, talk, and then answer their own question. Even if the person answers, the talkee may start to ramble and come to their conclusion lol I guess in a way it's a comfort thing, knowing that someone is beside you, just sitting with you during a time where you're trying to solve an issue. I think it has more to do with comfort.

I truly believe we are comfort beings! Learning new things take time. It deals with wrapping your mind and heart around a situation. To truly GET IT. It's more than just being able to solve the problem "2 + 2 = 4"

I don't think it's about programming either. I believe it's about connecting. Hm...the closest thing I could think of are relationships. They take work. And they continue to take work throughout our whole lives. There's always still so many obstacles.


And it brings me back to the main point of this all. Life is like a relationship with ourselves. Finding that connection. That understanding. It takes time.

My question is "why?", why does it take time? And why come to earth?

Well, this is only based from what I read and heard, but it's because we learn things quicker on earth. I'm not sure how true it is to have an old soul which has lived thousands of years and experienced many lives (I guess it doesn't matter much to me anymore), mainly I say I'm not sure because it would seem that they should be done right?

Well, I guess this next part may make sense. There are souls which return to help other soulds on their journey. I guess it's like guides, only in human form. They can still work on a few things, kind of like brushing up skills, or picking up a new language while helping others.

I'm not so much a fan of the whole teacher/student term. I prefer friend/friend, as it seems more heart to heart. Possibly my meaning of teacher may not be a positive one due to my outlook on teachers growing up.

I've had a lot of issues with dealing with "authoritative figures" there was always this "I'm the teacher, you're the student!" and that may be fine for some people, and I'm not saying it's wrong, but it felt like I was "little" compared to them. It made me feel like I could never reach high enough.

It's a bit overthought it would seem, but I seriously felt this way. I've had teachers seriously make me cry due to their "cruel" treatment. Of course I got to a point where I thought "not everyone is attacking you."

I felt like my mom wasn't "listening" to me. She would say "you always think someone is out to get you" and I won't lie, I seriously did. Lol I'm not sure if this is a teen phase, but yes, I went through it too.

I think it's a phase of discovery. I think there is a huge chuck of discovery that is taken place during the ages between 13-18. 19-30 is pretty much the finding one's place in life. 13-18 is like discovering who YOU are. And trying to fit with different mixes to find out which one sits right.

While doing this, it could seem that things are overwhelming. You got homework, teachers, friends, enemies, crushes, chores, bratty siblings. It's a lot. I think the ages 13-18 is all about juggling and learning balance. From birth to about 10 to 12 we were nurtured, taken care of. Then suddenly we are tossed into unknown territory.

I seriously remember my first day of high school (this is very true!), I was so shocked and sad when my older sister told me that there is no recess! lol Up until high school there has always been break time. In middle school it was more like they tossed us outside and let us hang out with friends. "Being stuck in school all day with no air? How would I survive!??"

Maybe I couldn't do it in high school, but in college I step out every once in a while for a breather..

I was happy that in high school I actually had teachers who seemed to "understand" and allowed me to breath for a while. I'm different, in the sense that I feel a bit...well, a bit on the sensitive side. I'm not sure if I feel energy. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel and that's all need to know.

And sometimes things become to overwhelming. I remember once it got bad to where my chest became tight and I couldn't breath. My body got really hot and I started to hyperventilate. This was during a very tough time in my second year of high school. I couldn't find anyone to talk to. I just couldn't breath there. My teacher wouldn't let me leave, so I left out and had to walk alone to the nurse's office, well alone halfway. These two guys who were walking ahead of me saw me and helped me. So I was happy for that.

I realized how much I'm affected if I don't get the chance to breath. That experience was enough for me to understand now that I'm not built like everyone else in the sense of ME. But on the outside I am. As I soul I am. As energy I am. But my make-up is different. It's not wrong different.  But it's where I can say "I'm ME. And you are YOU" because I can feel it.

Although I'm not completely good with feeling energy...well, I'm not aware of it anyways. I'm more aware of presence. Like, if my sister were to sneak into my room, I would just know there's something there and not know who's presence it is.

I should work on that.

Well, that's all for now. This is a lot of stuff lol "

The end! :3

Mon