06.29.13

I woke up from a dream just now.
I received a call from my older sister during class. In class we were taking notes on some vocabulary words (I was at about number 74 I believe) for an upcoming final. My sister told me my mom was upset with us. That my mom and younger sister had got in a car accident. She didn't tell me about the condition of my younger sister. Anyways, rather than drive her car (my older sister) to meet up with my mom, she preferred to walk to meet them. I guess at the time we were both at the school. And my sister was complaining about the fog.

Anyways, later I came to find out that my mom and younger sister were fine, but in the accident they killed the other passengers involved. Which was a man, his wife and two children. They were wearing clothes that looked like they were going to take pictures for Easter.

I woke up feeling a little ill though :/ I forgot I didn't eat before I went to bed because I had a headache. I often feel sick when I have a headache.

Anyways, during the dream I felt really bad because the other people had passed and I had made the decision to attend the funeral.

Before this happened in my dream, somehow O__o I was talking to one of the wrestlers from the WWE. They had told us to text a number to their show and we received a text on how to help donate maybe like 10 cents to a young boy who had cancer.

I ended up sitting down and speaking to one of the wrestlers about how it might be a good idea too to send a giant balloon with all the wrestlers names on it and possibly some flowers.

It was a bit random, but this happened first. Then the part where I was in class, then the part with the accident.

I remember during class this guy kept picking on the students, asking them a ridiculous question to make them feel dumb. And I told him if he bothers the guy again I'm gonna kick his butt. Everyone heard it and he looked dumb lol I turned to the other guy and told him everything would be okay.

We were watching some historical film I believe and it had just ended and we started taking notes on the vocabulary words. And that's when I got the call.

I seriously have to eat something.

Bye
Mon

Dreaming about my plant

So maybe for the past two days (it's possible that yesterday I had a different dream, and dreamt the other dream the day before yesterday) I've been dreaming about my plant, or rather, a plant.

I'm not sure if this is a sign that I should  replant my plant now lol but I've been having dreams where I'm taking care of the plant and it has grown very well. Everytime I look at it I think "I should start replanting it" but I'm not sure if it's ready and I'm afraid I'll mess it up. It's said that plant food is needed for it, and I think we only have plant soil. I knew I should've just brought the plant food when we went to the store :/ It was a small bag, but something told me to grab it.

Well, I guess I could just check the bag we have and see if it will work good enough and buy the plant food when I get the chance to. It's just I don't want the plant to die. In the past me and my mom tried to grow our own vegetables, but she gave up halfway through and it left me to do it alone. In the end the all of the plants died. Even the lone survivor :/

Well so far two of them are growing very well. They are quite tall now. I haven't measured them.

Off the point of plants lol I have been working on the script for my comic. I have also been thinking of working on my animation. Yes, thinking. I did work on it a bit, bit the  thought of all that inking and coloring was kind of overwhelming. I decided to just do small pieces when I feel the need to. I do want to finish it soon, but I don't want to feel overwhelmed or I won't want to do it at all. :/ Bad habit

Anyways, I'm gonna work on some stuff now.

Mon

06.15.13

The weather was really nice today!

I wish I could hold on to today's weather. But I knew it would go away. Well, tomorrow is my last day of class.

Yay~

Night

Mon

Spinach taste like wet grass

No I don't know what wet grass taste like. But if I had taste it, I'm sure it would taste like this spinach.

Hi!

I'm doing well. I'm eating pretty late at night. I'm kind of tired of going to bed hungry lol I often try not to eat past 11 p.m. But I guess because I go to bed kind of late it's to be expected. Our stomach digest food about every hour if I'm not mistaken.

Anyways, I ran downstairs to grad something to eat, and "hey! Spinach" is what I thought. I won't lie, I got kind of excited because I haven't had the chance to eat a lot of fruits and vegetables. So I pile some of my plate and head back to my room. But before that I take a bite CHOMP! And as I'm walking up the stairs I feel like I'm frozen. "What the heck!?" I couldn't pinpoint it until I ate some more and I thought "This spinach taste like wet grass"

You know how when you smell something and you can kind of taste it....yeah.

I'm reading about the benefits of eating spinach.. Obviously it must be good for our bodies. So that at least give me motivation to finish the rest lol

Well I'm heading to bed soon.

Today was my last day of class for my Tuesday and Thursday class. I was seriously a little sad, but everyone had fun, including myself! But I'm also excited that this is the last week. This summer I'll spend some time job hunting. I can't quite say what kind of job I'd like, but I'm just gonna keep my eyes peeled and if something seems interesting I'll look into it. I just hope I'll get lucky and be able to snag one to start paying off my loan. I'd like to do that, get my own car and get my own apartment.

I still have my Saturday class and my online class assignments to look forward to. My last day is officially on Saturday (or is it Sunday?) and I'll be done.

I do have a lot of side projects I'd like to work on. But I'll try to keep things light and simple for a while.

Well, I'm gonna finish eating and call it a night. I'm reading Sensual Phrase by Mayu Shinjo. I'm really wondering how this story will end. It's kind of predictable, so I feel like the two main characters will end up together lol :P

Night
Mon

Beliefs, morals and doing the right thing

Good morning!

This morning I am finally watching the last episode of Trigun. It's a Japanese anime but it's dubbed in English.

In the story the main character, Vash, always tries to stick to his moral that no one deserves to die no matter what. And although he has the power to end life (he's kind of powerful) and he wields a gun and usually has the option of doing it, he never does and he even has scars on his body due to the damage inflicted on himself. He mainly learned all he knows from a woman named Rem, a woman who watched over him and his twin brother (Knives) when they were younger. Knives began to have a different view on life. He actually wants to end the whole human race after he found out that the humans experimented on a plant (what Vash and his brother are) and she died. 

Throughout the series the character is always placed in situations where he tries to do the right thing. Which is never kill anyone. He even hates to see someone kill another.

Anyways, in the episode before the final one is actually had to kill someone in order to save two people he cares about. 

It's a very tough thing when a situation calls for a quick decision that may be against one's morals or beliefs. And sometimes we contradict ourselves when we say one thing but behave in another. 

In the episode, the man he killed was a man named Legato. Legato has the ability to control people and get inside of their head. He had a bunch of townspeople holding weapons to the two girls Vash saved because if he didn't the townspeople would kill them. 

This is one reason why I like this show. I saw it once before and I"m watching it again after all these years. 

It reminds me of this show called The Colony. The show is mainly about a group of people (I think about 6) who are from different working backgrounds, such as a teacher, an engineer etc. and they all live in a post apocalyptic city and try to live off what they can find or salvage. 

At first I think it didn't seem real to them, but they stayed in this situation for about 6 months I believe. During the experiment there would be people trying to rob them of their resources to the point where they would have to do what they can in order to survive.

.

Once they didn't have much food so  the men of the group started hunting for rats. One man who helped swore he wouldn't eat meat. But he ate the rat due to the lack of protein. They were living only off of canned food and they were lacking a lot of the nutrients we are often blessed with. Oh! Also they stayed in a warehouse. That was their safehouse. 

I think beliefs are suppose to change. Kind of like with our bodies. They change and yet we don't think it's wrong. I'm not saying it's bad to have beliefs, but something we hold on to them so strongly, even to the point of breaking. 

For example, if a person believes that love is not blind, it's okay for them to start to believe love can indeed make them blind. 

Is it a contradicting statement. In my opinion it's not. Because the person has admitted that their previous belief wasn't exactly right for them. Then it begs the question, what is right and wrong? Many situations in life call for different things. And the outcome is based on our choices.

I'm actually writing a story about this concept. I'll write about it in my next blog.

Anyways, I think this is something to keep in mind.

Personally, when a situation calls for a quick choice, I feel it's best to try to make the choice that gives the best outcome. Which means limited amount of harm to others, limited damage. And if possible only wound the person to the point where they can't commit the crime. It sounds harsh, but a man who shots a gun, either remove the gun or remove his trigger fingers. Things such as this. It's less extreme than death.

I feel that sometimes police officers are placed in situation where they have to make quick decision. Even in situations where their is an incident (accident) that calls for a quick decision.

Recently the video games I have played have these kinds of situations in them lol I just thought about it. In the game the player would have to choose between what they think is right or wrong and it effects the other characters in the story.So as the player you could lose friends, or have to fight multiple enemies for not killing a certain target. 

I feel we are embedded with the correct answer. Do we act on our natural human instinct? We are given this for a reason right. But what sets us apart from just acting on impulse if our ability to rationalize or asset the situation. And yet sometimes things happen so quickly to the point where we don't have time think. 

Being calm can possibly help. Wow! So many things to question in this.

But I have to go now.

Mon

Weather and plant update

Hi!

Today I went for a walk. The weather is very nice today. Often on days where it's nice and I'm feeling happy I wonder what's happening on the other side of the world. Some people may not be happy. It doesn't make me feel less happy, but I do think about them.

Today I went for an hour walk (or just about) with my sister and the dogs. It was nice. The dogs started getting tried.

Strange enough, I really enjoy walking outside, the trees and everything seem so bright! It makes me feel invigorated and excited! I often feel sad when I see negative things, like garbage or lots of land missing trees.

Anyways, my plant is growing nicely. I found that the reason it was dying before is because it got to hot! I feel that plants are like animals (well, they are living, aren't they?) they have a special language. We can't communicate the same way, so I have to try to understand it by it's patterns. I could read about it online, but I think it would all lead me to understanding when the plant need to be watered, when it's too hot, etc.

The sunlight was burning the poor plant. I called my grandma and she gave me some advice on watering the plant. I was watering it wrong lol I was watering the whole plant and not the soil. Well, I want to learn to garden. I'm really tempted to know what fresh fruits an vegetables taste like. And what's best is the fact that I know where the plant s coming from, and what's been applied on it!

I show my plant love. Love grows it!! lol

Also, this week is my last week of class. I'm excited. I should be worried about my assignments. But I think because I work hard, I'm not worried. Even if I don't finish them all, at least I did my best on the ones I did and worked hard on them. I could push myself farther, but what good would that do. It would likely make me miserable. I want to enjoy the work.

Once this week if over, summer break officially begins for me. I'm gonna start looking for a job! :D I would like to get a car and my own apartment. I have plans for traveling and hanging out with friends. Oh! If I could make enough I'd like to do some volunteer stuff too. I've always wanted to visit a charity or knit and crochet stuff for a charity, or even donate to make a homeless shelter better. I don't see it as a good deed, just improving something! :3 It's like recreational work. It's recreating something and improving on it. It's strange that money could do that and not the people :/ Or rather, Money is what operates the people to want to improve.

If things did need a permit, I'd be doing a lot. I do want to do a lot. I know it's strange to say this, but I always have this image in my head of me just running away from this home and going to do everything I want! Of course I wouldn't care about what the people say who I'm leaving behind. That wouldn't matter. But then reality sets in and I realize I don't have much of a plan lol and although I believe in destiny and things are destined to happen, I believe we could help prepare ourselves for those parts of life by mental preparation.

Having a simple plan like saving money to buy this and that, is how I'm moving. I'm not quite elaborate with my plans. I just think "it would be nice to have that" or "it would be nice to do this." I've seen it happen where some people may plan so big and things don't go the way they plan lol I guess we could always try to rebuild what we lost. Kind of like with ants lol I've never heard an ant complain.

Well, that's all for now.

Mon

Kind of blue

So today was okay!

My title doesn't make it seem that way, does it?

Well I'll get to that in a bit.

Today I worked for 7 hours on my animation assignment. I'm happy with the progress I made but it's not nearly enough. I'm hoping to be able to finish it. I'm planning to spend my time working on it in my Saturday, which is about 6 hours long. Then my older sister said she'll have to drop me off early on Tuesday, which is the day the project is due. So I'm gonna keep trying.

Honestly, my head hurts from sitting in front of that computer for so long.

So on to what's making me feel blue. It's just a small thing, but I think it's worth writing about.

So maybe the day before yesterday or yesterday my mom was complaining about how her job isn't paying hr enough to take care of the bills and whatnot. I took note of this. Of course at the moment I don't have a job. :/ So I can't do much.

Anyways, my mom only needs $120 for the bills. *shrugs* I don't have that much in my account lol I already told my sisters that my wallet smacks me everytime I look inside of it for money :P

But I do have enough for half.

But that's not what made me feel blue. It's my older sister. :/ Of course I don't think my older sister is wrong, I just feel that if the situation called for her asking for money, she'd expect to be given it. And that's exactly what bugs me.

So on the car ride home from the movies, she did say don't judge her and brought of the incident where my mom asked her for the money. My sister said she didn't tell her what the money would be used for. But she said it better not be for my mom's hair, so my sister concluded that it must be for a bill. So my older sister said she ignored my mom's text message and started complaining about how she needed work done on her car. Now that part I understand, but the part that bugged me was when she started saying that my mom won't pay for it to get done. Now that's what bugged me.

I already expressed to my younger sister how I feel that my older sister seems to expect things and if she does't receive anything, then why should she give? Now for me, she isn't that selfish. For the most part she isn't always this selfish. She gives from time to time, don't get me wrong, but she usually doesn't give during moments where it's really called for it lol

For example, I had to miss maybe two classes because my mom had to do some errands that, to me, seemed quite important. So I was okay with this. My older sister, however, was not. She complained that my mom only thinks about herself and that she would never let me miss school. To me it's kind of like my sister is trying to prove that she can do something that my mom wouldn't, and need praise for it. I expressed to her that it didn't bother me that I had to miss school. I understand that sometimes they can't take me to class.I know I'll be penalized for it, and yes I'm sure I'll be very sad. But that's why I'm grateful that my teachers are understanding. If it weren't for them being understanding things would be a lot harder for me. So I'm really grateful.

Anyways, this is what made me feel a little sad. I understand my older sister, I really do. But it's the reason behind her behavior that bugs me. I say more power to her for getting her car fixed. I hold nothing against her in that regards.

I'll just cash in my coins and with $50 from my younger sister I'll give my mom what I have left. It does make me a little sad but hey *shrugs* I'm not losing much. Since next week is the last week I'll start job hunting again. :D I wanna work at Pier 1 Imports. But I seriously think I haven't been allowed to find a job due to the fact that I've been dealing with other stuff.   I needed a serious break, and although I said "I want a job" I knew I didn't really want one, I just wanted to relax. I just feel kind of lazy when I'm not doing much.

Anyways, I don't feel blue anymore. I just hope my mom and sister won't turn out like my mom and her mom. If so, I don't want a part of it. If I do start my own family, I seriously don't want my mom and sisters ridiculing my family or my ways of raising my children or whatever. I already know my ways of viewing things are more non-violent and non-threatening than my older sister and mom. My  younger sister, in my opinion, is usually just the follower. I'm not painting myself in higher regards, it's just I don't express myself freely with them.

So I feel they don't quite know me. Because when I do express myself, well, I get ridiculed, or they start shoving their beliefs down my throat. So I just gave up *shrugs* besides, I read in my birth chart that I can even be a bit dogmatic and should learn even a little bit of tactfulness. :) Which I'm keeping in mind.

Of course I do believe people are entitled to their own thoughts. But I just don't like the ones that hold restrictions on someone else. Of course I've come to understand that the person being restricted just doesn't know what right they have to not be restricted. And I wonder, should they continue to be treated that way? I mean, think of  a person in a abusive relationship. If I see that I'd say "it's wrong", but looking at it farther, is it really?

Physical abuse  isn't right, I think, on a child, than on an adult. Because a child is a minor, and can't go anywhere. They would likely think they are restricted. Besides it's their parents. But with adults, it's like another story. But with an adult and an adult, I feel that they SHOULD know better. But that's not always the case. If they can allow that kind of behavior, should they be justified. They can get away, can't they?

It's like a push/pull kind of thing with me. It's really frustrating somethings. It's like I have no solid beliefs, but I do. I know if I encounter an action my feelings wouldn't lie. It would either be a feeling of like or dislike. Examining it on the surface I can say "I like___" or "I dislike___" but if I take a closer look at it and question it, I'll get that both side pull.

So this is what I feel towards the situation with my sister. Anyways, the situation calls for something else then. No use dwelling on it, as it won't benefits anything dwelling and not doing. :)

Well, I still have a headache and I'm kind of sore from yesterday's workout. So I'm going to head in.

Mon

Tried!

So today I worked on my character design work. I was able to flip-flop about and do piece for each different assignment. Honestly I feel pretty confident that I'll be able to finish all of the assignments. I'm working on the more detailed assignments now and saving the easier one's for last.

Next week I'm gonna go full gear with working on my animation assignment. I'm thinking I'll probably stay at the school a bit longer and next Saturday I'll dedicate more time to work on it and while I'm at home I'll work on my character design assignments.

Also, I was able to find the letter that guy gave me back in high school! Yay~~! I thought I threw it away. Which is strange because I tend to keep all the letter people give me. I even keep simple drawings people give me.

I stumbled upon it while I was searching for my bank booklet. I thought it was one of my written journal pages, but when I opened it I was like "Oh! This is that letter!"

I just put it in my wallet so I wouldn't lose it again. I haven't actually read it again because I haven't had time.

It's strange after going through a series of events in high school. Looking at myself now I feel that I have more confidence in myself and I'm learning more and more that I don't need everyone's approval when I'm working on something that I enjoy. Now when I feel the urge to look to see if someone commented on my work I question myself internally "Why am I searching for comments? This is for my self-enjoyment isn't it?" and if it's me just doing it to gain comments or approval, I feel that my reason for doing it isn't valid. I want to be the kind of person who, when I create something or do something, I do it because I enjoy it, not because I hope people will like it. Because not eveyone will like what i like, and I'd like to keep my mind clear of this reality.

I feel if I were to search for gratification all the time I could become dependent on it. That's not good because what if when I search for it, I can't find it, or it's not exactly the gratification I'm looking for? It becomes a search of what you want to hear, and not what another is sincere about, or what the other person means. I want  a person to like or dislike it because that's who they are, what they are interested in etc.

I would like to feel free to create without restrictions from myself. I would like to be this way even with relationships. Not searching for friendship, but for them to happen. For example, if I'm happy I won't be sad because someone else feels I should be. When I'm sad I'll be sad, and not be happy because I feel it's what others want me to do.

Because in the end, I would be pleasing the other person....but what about me? Is my worth not good enough to feel what I feel and honestly have someone accept that it's the way I feel? I can't say a person would, and that's why it matters to me to be honest with myself because i owe it to myself to know that I can say "I'm happy" and mean it. People can't read our minds or understand us the way we want them to. So I feel that if I can accept myself to the fullest, I wouldn't expect someone to feel the way I want them to.

:3 I feel like I'm reaching this point. Yeah I get annoyed, but I know I can look at my family now and say "that's them, and if I say something they may or may not listen" and most often it's the latter.And as long as a person tried, that's what matters and you shouldn't feel guilty for something that you tried to prevent.

The reason I'm typing about this is because I have been sitting sometimes and I would sometimes see myself trying very hard to relate to someone so they can feel that someone understands them. It's not a bad quality I think, but it is an issue when I'm not honest with them and say what I feel will make them feel better. Sometimes i do think "nah, that doesn't sound like a good idea' But they would probably say "it's a good idea, isn't it?" and not really be looking for me to disagree with them, but to agree.

For the most part, when I have been honest with the people who ask me these things *cough* My family *cough cough* they would get angry. I wouldn't feel bad, but I would think "you ask me, and I told you what I thought"

Because of this retaliation, even from a young age, I feel I've been programmed to just agree, and I don't like that. It's not me if I'm always agreeing. It's like being a robot. And I don't want to be just comfort, I want to be someone who cares for you and who isn't afraid to say "You know what, I think you were wrong in that situation, but I'm sure you can make it better if you sit on it for a while." because that's what I do with myself. I am friends with my inner self. Yes I know the difference between being brutally honest and being considerate and honest, but I don't know how to balance the two to become brutally yet considerately honestly. Which is a mixture of being you fully, but knowing that you should still be considerate of the other person's feelings. Or rather this is the kind of person I want to be.

That's all for now~

Mon