Some reflecting

Hi!

I would say it's been a while, but it actually hasn't been a long time for me! I've posted here, but I just turned everything into a draft. I was forcing myself to write for the sake of writing and was like "Meh! I don't like that post!" so I scrapped them!

So I've been doing some reflecting on my art. I actually haven't produced any complete pieces in so long and I haven't really been motivated to draw or anything. As much as I didn't like being in this rut, I just told myself that it was okay to not work on anything and forgave myself and wasn't trying to be too tough. And I think this actually worked!!Honestly I started drawing yesterday and something interesting came out. Mostly it was to just get an idea out of my head.

The problem I realized was that I've been trying to hard! And then when I'm not doing as much and take a break, I feel horrible about it. It's almost as if I HAVE to. This got me wondering why and it even became the case for my art as well. Which is what I think caused the rut. For days, and probably even months, I just had no ideas come to mind and I felt creatively depraved and felt like something was wrong with me.

My mom kept proclaiming "you're depressed!" when in reality I was doing  lot of reflecting! Of course I don't expect people outside of myself to understand this. No one is me and they can't read my thoughts or feel my feelings (unless they are hyper-sensitive that is). So it really didn't help that I've been feeling like I have to prove something to the people around me or else they'd called me depressed! lol

So I kept on. And I relaxed and I tried not to talk down on myself for going through this. Then I had a moment about a day or two ago. And it was the realization that I have been trying to hard. I started to think back to why I decided to go to school for animation and art in the first place. It was never to go to work for some fancy company. Honestly I never had a company in mind! I literally thought "I want to learn to do animation!" and I was also interested in crafting my own characters and my own stories. I even remember telling my friends in middle school that I'll create my own animations and they can voice-act for the characters!

Then, upon graduating, I started to feel as if I had to produce such substantial work in order to impress potential employees! I had this back-and-forth struggle for months. One moment telling myself that I have to create something that's completely me BUT that people will also enjoy. I guess a part of me understood that "enjoyment" or rather, what people find enjoyable, is completely subjective. In a way I wanted some sort of validation and even though people viewed myself, I didn't feel the support.

I became aware that I had to motivate myself as this will be the only way to craft anything.

And the issue that was stacking on all of this, was that I saw the amount of work that I still had to complete!

I've, of course, have been holding it together despite typing all of this. And it's not that I didn't do anything at all, I would still type or write down small ideas that came to mind, but I found that I wasn't as creatively active as I use to be. I think people are my driving force! Even in high school, people being interested in what I can create motivated me. But because I'm not often posting things online, I have to rely on myself.

It makes me understand what it means to be self-motivated :) I think this is something I have to work at. And I truly believe it begins with me understanding why I started all of this in the first place.

Drawing has helped me in so many ways! I first started drawing in the 5th grade (rambling coming through!). A girl in my class use to draw these giant headed female characters with curly ponytails and I was like "Oh! That's pretty cool!" because up until that point, I was only interested in music and I use to actually enjoy playing on the piano and would spend time with the music teacher. Of course, even though I started drawing, I carried on learning to play the piano solo up until I broke my keyboard and my mom refused to get it fixed...the keys kept falling off lol

So I started drawing. Then I started copying images that interested me. Me and my sisters use to have these Loony Toon baby stickers on our walls and I was trace over them with a sheet of paper over them. Then I'd try to draw them on my own. I think it was about this time that my mom and dad broke up and I don't think I let it bother me much because I was so fixated on drawing.

Then middle school and high school were the highs and lows! Boy those days were tough, but also enjoyable, but I definitely wouldn't go back lol I was the one kid who wanted to get older, not because I just wanted to be older, but because I had things I wanted to say, but people just wouldn't listen because I was a kid. I hated being told to "grow up!" or tell someone something only for them to say "you're just a kid!" This bothered me a lot. Made me feel that my thoughts were not worth anything. I, of course, knew this wasn't the case as now that I'm older it seems that people listen and go "Oh, that's a good point" lol But had I been smaller, they probably wouldn't think so.

So back to art. So writing and drawing helped me escape as well. But it was more from boring classed, I even got detention once (it was from talking back to the teacher...I think. I was kind of a rebel when I needed to be)  lol I survived by writing and drawing.

And then college came along and told me "You need to draw like this!" and "you need to learn to do this, because if you work for a company, they want you to learn to replicate their art style!" And as I'm writing this, I just realized that I said I use to mimic other artist artwork. If I remember, I'll post an image (I can't find any at the moment. You honestly don't want to know how many books/papers I have lol I'll post them in a different blog if I come across them)

During the first two quarters at the school I remember going "They're leeches sucking away my creativity!" I certainly did not like being told what I should draw. Of course, now I'm happy and I understand, but I think what happened was although I accepted that things had to be the way it had to be at the time, I lost what I came into the school with as well.

I think reflecting can be tough! Because you have to find the point where things got messy and it requires a lot of sorting through and mostly, being honest with yourself. I do feel motivated to work. BUT now it's not for the sake of working for someone. I wouldn't mind working for something, but it's not the most important thing for me!

I don't want to have to wait around for someone to hire me to create their work, but I want to be free in my thinking and create what I want with them being secondary lol I realized that me trying to find a job in art was getting me nowhere and although I was like "I'll work on thing and in the meantime I'll just fill out some applications" I wasn't actually getting anything done at all. Deep down inside, I think the true me just was not digging this at all!

The true me is like 'well, create your stuff! Find a job and create your own stuff on the side! That way we won't have to stress about deadlines and we'll also have income!" I don't do well with deadlines....I'm sure I shouldn't say that, but I'm not. I'm kind of slow, and it's because my mood usually influences my creativity and my motivation. Most people will push through this, and I try as well, but I'm not someone else. I know I'm not lazy and so I know this isn't the case. Someday the energy around me just will not allow it. I do think that a sudden change in atmosphere does help, so taking a walk to a place I like, will usually make me feel like working. But sometimes my mind and body are just not in-sync and I have to work things out.

Hm...I know I can't say this to any employer lol But I'd be lying if I said that this isn't just who I am. Should I change this aspect of myself, or try to improve it? I just got the sudden thought "Why try to improve who you truly are" lol it was so swift...I think it was something like this.

Another thing that happens is that sometimes I just have an idea overload. This normally happens late at night. I feel like there's just a bunch of creatives in spirit hanging around throwing out ideas xD But this is very minimal. Most of the time it's me going over what I want to work on. I have to tell myself that "yeah, that's fine and all, but it takes TIME!" things don't get produced so quickly. I have to work at it. This is definitely the case if I want to create something decent.

So, pardon me! I have some work to do. I just felt I should type this very human-of-me blog lol to express my feelings. Hopefully if anyone has ever felt this way, or felt they are adequate enough, realize that you aren't alone and it's really not worth feelings because I'm pretty sure there are plenty out there that feel this way. And because there are plenty out there that may feel this way from time to time, that it just really needs to disappear. It's like everyone being the same shade of blue and everyone feeling that they aren't the correct shade of blue. This is what this situation sounds like to me lol

Even if I say this, I wonder if the feeling will disappear. I think it's more of a lack of not allowing yourself to be at this current moment, and realizing that you truly are adequate. Find the root of where this inadequate talk came from, and find a way to resolve it within yourself. The thing about this is that to truly grasp this for yourself, it requires you to come to the truth of it all, even if you get advice it may not truly resonate and you probably won't go "Oh! So that's what it is!" and feel a sense of peace. Or rather, this is how I felt. It may be different for you. I find I work things out better alone sometimes. It does help to talk to others, but it's more to hear what I'm saying I guess lol because I can have this long discussion with someone and feel like nothing was said xD haha

That being said, ramble complete!

So let's get out there and find ourselves!  Reflect often and don't ever feel guilty. Treat yourself as you would a child, with care and understanding. :)

Mon