So I've come to the conclusion that I'm not depressed, but I can't give a word to what I've been dealing with on an emotional and mental level. Maybe the word will come to me by the end of this blog.
After typing that last blog I felt better and a few days later I took a trip to the library to get some books. I'll tell you that I read a lot of self-help/self-development books aside from a novel here and there. Anyways, one book I got was about financial development. I would like to think that I'm "broke", but it's the wrong way of looking at it, and these books sure do help.
At the moment I'm not working, which, in itself, seems like an issue, but I'll say that I'm grateful I have a place to stay for the moment. This is even despite everything that is happening. I often have to reflect on this reality and realize that it's something I could NOT have. So there's that.
Anyway, I realized that I've been losing my motivation and it's because I haven't been feeling inspired. Aside from that I'm not surrounded by much support or people that I feel understand my circumstance. This can be stressful and I forgive myself for feeling stressed out. Looking at it from an outside perspective without judgement, if I had a friend who was suffering being somewhere, temporarily surrounded by people who weren't doing much to help lift them up, I would be able to understand them.
Something actually put me in a good mood. I'll explain. Since graduating I set off to improve my skills in 3D. Technically, after graduating, I didn't feel prepared enough to take on an actual job in my career field. So I spent a lot of time watching tutorials, reading pdf, searching the web and working on mini projects. It's been almost a year and I tell myself "You should have more to show for all that you've been doing these past few month!" and then I saw this video by a youtube channel called Alux.
The women in the video said something along the times of "people who are rich, are often improving their skills, or finding ways to improve their skills in the field they are pursuing" and it made me happy! I'm no millionaire, but it dawned on me that I'm working hard with nothing to show NOW, but it won't always be this way.
It's just like a child learning to write. It takes years to perfect your English, and even then some people still aren't very good at it! What's more, is that some people actually become writers and are good at it. What I'm trying to say is that, even after all these months, day in and day out, sitting in front of a computer, reading, all of it will pay off if I keep at it.
At the moment I feel that no one has given me the chance to prove myself simply because I'm not ready. Plain and simple. I'm not confident enough. Perhaps in the traditional 2D way, but in 3D I'm quite meager, and even still there's nothing wrong with that.
What's more is that I'm sure to people who don't know much about 3D and how the process is done, they'd say my work looks fines. And interestingly enough, I've had teachers who have said "as long as it looks good!", but due to me going above and beyond and learning more, there is a bit more to it that can push my work a tad bit more.
Not just pushing my work a tad bit more, but I'm also learning how to create props for games. You see, it takes two years of core classes before a student can graduate from the college I left, and even then the there are teachers who judge your work during the very last quarter to tell you whether or not you will be graduating. Anyways, what I'm saying is that we take two years of gen. ed and some basic art classes, and then another two years of core classes focused solely on our major.
So game students take two years to learn probably most of what I've been learning within a year. With understanding this, I have to forgive myself and stop being so hard on myself for not creating masterpieces.
I will say that yesterday made me happy because I actually created a simple prop, textured it in a software I've been learning and took it into a game engine. I ran up to it in game and got super excited hahaha I'm still learning, and I guess I should just expect that I'll continue to learn even if I get into the industry. I don't think I'll ever stop being a student.
It's a very strange situation. For a very long time I've been the student, but now that I've graduated I'm under the assumption that I have to know everything there is to know about my major. Maybe I know enough. Perhaps I even know much more than I need to know. I'd never know because I've never worked in the industry. But I will say that while I'm bobbing about in life I'll keep learning simply because it's fun.
So no, I'm not depressed. I simply lose sight of things sometimes and sometimes I become frustrated and unmotivated, but it's what I decide to do when that time comes that really matters. Since I'm still moving forward and haven't quit, that means something. :)
Also, I'm sure there will be many more blogs like my previous one hahaha But at least I'd be honest about what I feel rather than bottling them up.
Mon
Friday, June 29, 2018
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Am I depressed??
It's 3 a.m. and although my eyes are tired, my mind is keeping me up again! This is the second night, and I was surprised I was able to sleep the previous night. There's a lot on my mind. I'll try to communicate it as best as I can.
I want to say that this feeling has been going on only for a few months, but I think it's been going on for years on and off, and I think that if I continue to just keep it to myself, it won't do me an ounce of good. I think the most annoying and frustrating part is working very hard and not having all that work be acknowledge and being judge for the lack of something else.
On top of this feeling, I work and work to try to improve my craft with the thought in my mind that I don't have enough time, and this in itself is stressful. I'm doing this everyday while constantly thinking about and trying to find work. Also worrying about whether or not my work is good enough, worrying about whether I'm qualified enough for the job. So I try to learn as much as possible.
Then when I lie my head down at night I start to think of all the other countless things I need to do the next day. The part that bothers me is that insane standards I feel I have to push myself to reach. There's too halves, the half of me that tells myself that these standards are way too high for one person to deal with, and the half that thinks I'm lying to myself and try anyways hahaha
Within the months following my graduation, I don't know how many tutorials I have watched, how many pdf I've read, how many times I've told myself that I won't settle for something mediocre and how many times it bothered me to ponder upon the times my mom has called me lazy and that I don't do anything.
There are so many times I've felt the need to prove myself to other people, and it's mainly to prove to myself that they're wrong.
Then on top of worrying about all of this, I worry that soon I will have to move out and go into the world and I don't know much about the working world and how I want to blame my mom for this,but that overall it's up to me to learn it. So I do what I can, and I pick up a book and I'll read about it, and I tell myself that no matter how many books I read nothing can truly prepare me for the world!
Then I worry that if I start to work, I don't have the skills they need, despite the fact that my sister says "your work is awesome!" and I know that is it to her because she doesn't have the trained eye that some of these employees have.
I'm aware that I sound critical of myself, and that's the problem. I think it's an issue to be able to pinpoint my flaws and not know how to fix them haha or can I even consider this a flaw?
I remember during my final year of high school, this guy I knew, we both wrote letters back and forth. In a way this made me feel that someone was listening. Anyway, he said once in the letter that I'm too critical of myself. No one has ever said that to me up until that point, and honestly it made me wonder if I was. Now this was years ago, and if I'm still the same way that I was then, then it means nothing has changed.
I've learned and learned, but I still stay the same. I can tell myself again and again that I should just do my best and except it, but a part of me says "Well, if you can go a step farther, why not go for it!" haha
I wonder if I'm not depressed and just a perfectionist. I've had countless teachers tell me I overthink things. And for so long I became defensive and said I'm don't, but now I wonder if I really do. I wonder why. I wonder if it's because I try to understand every little thing, and then when I can't I start to lose my mind over it. Something that may be so simple to other people drives me mad internally and then I start to feel like a weirdo. Then I start to tell myself that it's best to keep these thoughts to myself because some people just won't get it.
For example, for a while now I've gotten into tiny little confrontations with my younger sister about very simple things. One was helping out around the house, I've been doing a lot of the cleaning and tidying and it was bothering me and I would ask/tell her can't you do this and that. And she would say "why don't you tell mom this?" and I would explain to her that our mom shouldn't have to worry about doing any of it since she works and because we were both home not working, that it's the least we could do
So whenever I requested her to help out with something, she would use that argument against me. And because my mom doesn't clean very often, and neither does my younger sister I would do. I would tell myself that someone has to. The issue is that if no one does, my mom would get upset and call me lazy like she's done in the past. And this leads me back to what I'm saying, I have to prove to myself that I'm not.
When I was in school, my teacher was going to fail me. I worked really hard, but my hard work went unnoticed and I was frustrated so I took it to the person who overlooked my department, and he kind of got in trouble because he didn't have a true grading guide that he followed by, so he was forced to pass me to the next portion. I didn't want him to get in trouble, but it bother me that I expressed about how hard I worked.
It seems simple, but during that time I COULDN'T fail. Simple because my financial aid wouldn't allow it. If I failed, I would have had to pay for the course I failed out of pocket. My financial aid was running out. So without a job I had no money. I had no job because I focused on school and my work. This is what I tried to explain to him, but he felt I wasn't ready to graduate. This bothered me because I was willing to work as hard as I had to in order to graduate. Which I did. After spending three months learning a new software, coming up with concepts for three new characters, and sculpting them, I had to push that all to the side and come up with someone new and simple.
At that point I decided to focus solely on prop modeling and had to start from scratch, In the next three months, I had to capture reference (I'll make it clear that my family and I was in the process of moving), and model three props, while also putting together a website, and oh, I was learning how to create a website by myself because my teacher didn't know how.
It was stressful! He said to me that I had "tenacity", and I don't think I do, it's just that when I know the odds are stacked against me I realize that I can either quit or not. I refuse to just give up if I worked too hard to get where I am. Is that tenacity? Because honestly sometimes I feel like breaking down and yell that I quit.
Anyway, he told me that a lot of students came in with work they already had from the prior months. The thing is that I had no work from prior months. Previously, my harddrive had crashed and I lost all my work. Not just that, but what I learned from the Tinley campus, was very mediocre by the standards of the campus downtown. So I had to up my game and learn all that I could.
I found that my life is constantly like this and I wonder if I'm just running out of steam. Honestly, when I first started out at the school I said they were leeching me of my creativity. Everything was so fast paced and I didn't like it. Now, I can actually appreciate all that they taught me, but it doesn't mean it wasn't stressful.
I think it's harmful to always be placed under stressed, and perhaps it's getting to me. The part that worries me the most are the times when I think that perhaps not living a life like this is better than having to deal with it, but I don't want to die because I have a lot of things I want to do in life. Sometimes I feel that things would be better if I took a break from the people I feel that just don't understand me. The issue is that it's mainly my family.I feel so different from them, and honestly my mom's mindset is so off-putting and I never truly agreed with her way of wanting to deal with things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and perhaps that's the issue. I love them, and it keeps me from moving forward. That somehow if I leave, they won't be able to go on haha it's ridiculous, but I try to tell myself that I'm sure they'll be fine if I go off and live my life. I will say that I fear that if I leave, I won't turn back or call them. I'll just keep going.
Why do I feel this way? Well, it's because it's what I'm use to. Growing up, we moved a lot and I went to a lot of different schools. When I made friends, I got use to leaving them behind. It became natural. And this worries me. You see I worry about a lot o things! haha and this is why I'm writing. Because I have a lot on my mind.
Anyway, I'm under the impression as well that it won't be this way. That I'll call sometimes. But I think sometimes I get so caught up in life. And sometimes I notice this, and I'll just stop and sit outside and think absolutely nothing. I feel at peace.
So with all this being said, I don't know if I'm depressed or if I just have a mind that is ahead of what my body is capable of. But whatever it is, it is very annoying and very frustrating. Sometimes I just throw my hands in the air and say "screw it! It's just the way I am" haha So screw sleep, who cares if my eyes are tired? I'm going to work on something! haha like now.
I will say that I'm conflicted a lot. Trying to understand my situation and myself. Because there's just a lot going on. To the outside world it may not seem like it, and I will say that probably sometimes it's not, because I will often live in the moment and those feelings will go away, but they always come back.
I'm sure it's something I have to face, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I should write a list?? The thing is that the world is very beautiful to me. When I remove my concern of having to create my portfolio and my mom and sister are away working, I'm at peace. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just go off and live as a monk or something. Or just go far away and not deal with any of this. Just live and not worry about loans, or getting a good job or making money.
I could just work on a garden and draw whenever I want to.
Yet, it's confusing because I think I couldn't live without a bit of stress hahaha and I wonder if it's simply because I'm so use to this. Actually, it's funny, because for a weekend I was staying at my older sister's house to look after my nephew because she had something she needed to do. Anyway, I stayed there for a weekend and almost lost my mind because I couldn't work on something. I wanted to smash my head into the wall because my only options was to stay indoor, read a book or watch t.v. haha
I have to say that one of my greatest worries is any guy who would date me hahaha I feel sorry for that sucker!! hahaha
Whats more is that I'm sure this is a fleeting feeling. I honestly can't stand it. I feel that I'm a true Cancer at heart and the changing of emotions define me so well. I don't like to think that one's sign define them, because we define ourselves, but me coming into this world this way, what the heck was I thinking.
Whelps! I feel better!! It's a lot to get off my chest, and honestly I'd be surprised if anyone made it this far hahaha Am I okay? I'd like to think so. Hm....actually, you know I once read my birth chart and it said that I become restless when I have to deal with mundane situations and I can't stand staying in the same spot forever and that I'm in need of constant change.
Seriously. I'm kind of lazy, but I don't think I want to move around all the time....but then again, today I did just want to go walking just because the whether was nice *sighs* I'm in for a long journey of self discovery, aren't I?
I'm just going to work on something until I feel sleepy. No need in trying to beat myself over the head. If you read this, thanks for reading. I'm going to try my hardest not to draft this like my previous entries. I get too self conscious when it comes to me writing about how I really feel. But who knows, how I truly feel may not be as strange or as wrong as I think it is.
Mon
I want to say that this feeling has been going on only for a few months, but I think it's been going on for years on and off, and I think that if I continue to just keep it to myself, it won't do me an ounce of good. I think the most annoying and frustrating part is working very hard and not having all that work be acknowledge and being judge for the lack of something else.
On top of this feeling, I work and work to try to improve my craft with the thought in my mind that I don't have enough time, and this in itself is stressful. I'm doing this everyday while constantly thinking about and trying to find work. Also worrying about whether or not my work is good enough, worrying about whether I'm qualified enough for the job. So I try to learn as much as possible.
Then when I lie my head down at night I start to think of all the other countless things I need to do the next day. The part that bothers me is that insane standards I feel I have to push myself to reach. There's too halves, the half of me that tells myself that these standards are way too high for one person to deal with, and the half that thinks I'm lying to myself and try anyways hahaha
Within the months following my graduation, I don't know how many tutorials I have watched, how many pdf I've read, how many times I've told myself that I won't settle for something mediocre and how many times it bothered me to ponder upon the times my mom has called me lazy and that I don't do anything.
There are so many times I've felt the need to prove myself to other people, and it's mainly to prove to myself that they're wrong.
Then on top of worrying about all of this, I worry that soon I will have to move out and go into the world and I don't know much about the working world and how I want to blame my mom for this,but that overall it's up to me to learn it. So I do what I can, and I pick up a book and I'll read about it, and I tell myself that no matter how many books I read nothing can truly prepare me for the world!
Then I worry that if I start to work, I don't have the skills they need, despite the fact that my sister says "your work is awesome!" and I know that is it to her because she doesn't have the trained eye that some of these employees have.
I'm aware that I sound critical of myself, and that's the problem. I think it's an issue to be able to pinpoint my flaws and not know how to fix them haha or can I even consider this a flaw?
I remember during my final year of high school, this guy I knew, we both wrote letters back and forth. In a way this made me feel that someone was listening. Anyway, he said once in the letter that I'm too critical of myself. No one has ever said that to me up until that point, and honestly it made me wonder if I was. Now this was years ago, and if I'm still the same way that I was then, then it means nothing has changed.
I've learned and learned, but I still stay the same. I can tell myself again and again that I should just do my best and except it, but a part of me says "Well, if you can go a step farther, why not go for it!" haha
I wonder if I'm not depressed and just a perfectionist. I've had countless teachers tell me I overthink things. And for so long I became defensive and said I'm don't, but now I wonder if I really do. I wonder why. I wonder if it's because I try to understand every little thing, and then when I can't I start to lose my mind over it. Something that may be so simple to other people drives me mad internally and then I start to feel like a weirdo. Then I start to tell myself that it's best to keep these thoughts to myself because some people just won't get it.
For example, for a while now I've gotten into tiny little confrontations with my younger sister about very simple things. One was helping out around the house, I've been doing a lot of the cleaning and tidying and it was bothering me and I would ask/tell her can't you do this and that. And she would say "why don't you tell mom this?" and I would explain to her that our mom shouldn't have to worry about doing any of it since she works and because we were both home not working, that it's the least we could do
So whenever I requested her to help out with something, she would use that argument against me. And because my mom doesn't clean very often, and neither does my younger sister I would do. I would tell myself that someone has to. The issue is that if no one does, my mom would get upset and call me lazy like she's done in the past. And this leads me back to what I'm saying, I have to prove to myself that I'm not.
When I was in school, my teacher was going to fail me. I worked really hard, but my hard work went unnoticed and I was frustrated so I took it to the person who overlooked my department, and he kind of got in trouble because he didn't have a true grading guide that he followed by, so he was forced to pass me to the next portion. I didn't want him to get in trouble, but it bother me that I expressed about how hard I worked.
It seems simple, but during that time I COULDN'T fail. Simple because my financial aid wouldn't allow it. If I failed, I would have had to pay for the course I failed out of pocket. My financial aid was running out. So without a job I had no money. I had no job because I focused on school and my work. This is what I tried to explain to him, but he felt I wasn't ready to graduate. This bothered me because I was willing to work as hard as I had to in order to graduate. Which I did. After spending three months learning a new software, coming up with concepts for three new characters, and sculpting them, I had to push that all to the side and come up with someone new and simple.
At that point I decided to focus solely on prop modeling and had to start from scratch, In the next three months, I had to capture reference (I'll make it clear that my family and I was in the process of moving), and model three props, while also putting together a website, and oh, I was learning how to create a website by myself because my teacher didn't know how.
It was stressful! He said to me that I had "tenacity", and I don't think I do, it's just that when I know the odds are stacked against me I realize that I can either quit or not. I refuse to just give up if I worked too hard to get where I am. Is that tenacity? Because honestly sometimes I feel like breaking down and yell that I quit.
Anyway, he told me that a lot of students came in with work they already had from the prior months. The thing is that I had no work from prior months. Previously, my harddrive had crashed and I lost all my work. Not just that, but what I learned from the Tinley campus, was very mediocre by the standards of the campus downtown. So I had to up my game and learn all that I could.
I found that my life is constantly like this and I wonder if I'm just running out of steam. Honestly, when I first started out at the school I said they were leeching me of my creativity. Everything was so fast paced and I didn't like it. Now, I can actually appreciate all that they taught me, but it doesn't mean it wasn't stressful.
I think it's harmful to always be placed under stressed, and perhaps it's getting to me. The part that worries me the most are the times when I think that perhaps not living a life like this is better than having to deal with it, but I don't want to die because I have a lot of things I want to do in life. Sometimes I feel that things would be better if I took a break from the people I feel that just don't understand me. The issue is that it's mainly my family.I feel so different from them, and honestly my mom's mindset is so off-putting and I never truly agreed with her way of wanting to deal with things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my family, and perhaps that's the issue. I love them, and it keeps me from moving forward. That somehow if I leave, they won't be able to go on haha it's ridiculous, but I try to tell myself that I'm sure they'll be fine if I go off and live my life. I will say that I fear that if I leave, I won't turn back or call them. I'll just keep going.
Why do I feel this way? Well, it's because it's what I'm use to. Growing up, we moved a lot and I went to a lot of different schools. When I made friends, I got use to leaving them behind. It became natural. And this worries me. You see I worry about a lot o things! haha and this is why I'm writing. Because I have a lot on my mind.
Anyway, I'm under the impression as well that it won't be this way. That I'll call sometimes. But I think sometimes I get so caught up in life. And sometimes I notice this, and I'll just stop and sit outside and think absolutely nothing. I feel at peace.
So with all this being said, I don't know if I'm depressed or if I just have a mind that is ahead of what my body is capable of. But whatever it is, it is very annoying and very frustrating. Sometimes I just throw my hands in the air and say "screw it! It's just the way I am" haha So screw sleep, who cares if my eyes are tired? I'm going to work on something! haha like now.
I will say that I'm conflicted a lot. Trying to understand my situation and myself. Because there's just a lot going on. To the outside world it may not seem like it, and I will say that probably sometimes it's not, because I will often live in the moment and those feelings will go away, but they always come back.
I'm sure it's something I have to face, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I should write a list?? The thing is that the world is very beautiful to me. When I remove my concern of having to create my portfolio and my mom and sister are away working, I'm at peace. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just go off and live as a monk or something. Or just go far away and not deal with any of this. Just live and not worry about loans, or getting a good job or making money.
I could just work on a garden and draw whenever I want to.
Yet, it's confusing because I think I couldn't live without a bit of stress hahaha and I wonder if it's simply because I'm so use to this. Actually, it's funny, because for a weekend I was staying at my older sister's house to look after my nephew because she had something she needed to do. Anyway, I stayed there for a weekend and almost lost my mind because I couldn't work on something. I wanted to smash my head into the wall because my only options was to stay indoor, read a book or watch t.v. haha
I have to say that one of my greatest worries is any guy who would date me hahaha I feel sorry for that sucker!! hahaha
Whats more is that I'm sure this is a fleeting feeling. I honestly can't stand it. I feel that I'm a true Cancer at heart and the changing of emotions define me so well. I don't like to think that one's sign define them, because we define ourselves, but me coming into this world this way, what the heck was I thinking.
Whelps! I feel better!! It's a lot to get off my chest, and honestly I'd be surprised if anyone made it this far hahaha Am I okay? I'd like to think so. Hm....actually, you know I once read my birth chart and it said that I become restless when I have to deal with mundane situations and I can't stand staying in the same spot forever and that I'm in need of constant change.
Seriously. I'm kind of lazy, but I don't think I want to move around all the time....but then again, today I did just want to go walking just because the whether was nice *sighs* I'm in for a long journey of self discovery, aren't I?
I'm just going to work on something until I feel sleepy. No need in trying to beat myself over the head. If you read this, thanks for reading. I'm going to try my hardest not to draft this like my previous entries. I get too self conscious when it comes to me writing about how I really feel. But who knows, how I truly feel may not be as strange or as wrong as I think it is.
Mon
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