Can't sleep

It's not that I can't sleep, my mind just started coming up with ideas and thoughts about things I want to work on. The same thing happens the very first day of class when I return after break. Which is strange because I'm not much a fan of school, but I do love learning. It's a weird contradiction, I know.

I decided to just stop trying to fight my thoughts. Usually they're just things I"m kind of excited about finishing. Earlier today I didn't work on much. I started over on a game I never finished. It's been six years since I've played. Isn't that a shame? I always tell myself that if I purchase something or am giving something I won't let it go to waste.

So perhaps I should write about what I'm thinking at the moment. Well, I've been working on a few things as always. That and dealing with getting things situated with my school. I actually yelled at my financial adviser, which is certainly not good. But I didn't lose my mind. I actually knew what I was saying. The issue is that I wish she would've just stopped saying the same thing she's been saying for the past 5 weeks and hear what I'm saying. I think as my financial adviser I deserve that much. Of course, she didn't quite lose her cool. Regardless, we're still dealing with the problem. I just seriously threw my hands in the air with this one lol But I'm sure everything will be okay. I'm sorry adviser.

Anyway, I'm about to work on a female 3D model. It's a character I'll visit in my mind sometimes. I can't quite get her story down. Usually I turn to my dreams for some kind of guidance, as they don't hold anything back when it comes to making things up, but recently I guess I've been a bit stressed out and can't recall my dreams.


But regardless, I've been working on her head for a while. I have an idea of what she's wearing, that she has a son she really cares about, that she was married, but the story is still a little hazy. Pretty much I have more of an idea of how she feels, rather than what her entire story is.

So I'm about to work on her clothes. I've been unwrapping the Uvs of a scarecrow named Nameless (my mom named him lol). Unwrapping Uvs is pretty much when you take a 3D object and fit it to a 2D surface to texture it. If you look up Modeling Uvs you can find some examples.

I've also been thinking about school and graduating and what I want to do in life.

Here's the thing, I don't know exactly what I want to do. It makes me think back to when I chose this college, it was simply because I wanted to learn to see my characters move. And as the classes progressed it wasn't me thinking "Hey! I can see myself doing this for years!" it was more like "What can I learn next!"

I don't think about what I can do with my skills, I just think about the projects I want to create. Every time I find myself thinking that that's not a good way to live, I realize that it's disrespectful to myself to say so. Just because everyone lives their life a certain way, doesn't mean I have to. I'm sure my life isn't mapped out the same as another.

*sighs* So unfortunately, it seems that for these last two classes I'll be taking, we have to choose what we want our focus to be on. My younger sister actually said "if you don't do animation, at least you can turn to becoming a writer" I never considered it because I'm not much of a grammar fanatic. I barely use punctuation marks, and honestly I use to get bad grades in English! lol Believe it or not. But I write. I always write out ideas, or I'm jotting something down from a video or from something I've read.

I won't say I can't become a writer, but I wouldn't even know where to start. I don't know if I'd be worried about whether or not someone will read my book, but it's the deadline thing that will bother me. I couldn't imagine someone hammering down my neck for me to come up with a scene within a certain amount of time. At the same time, it forces me to actually work.

I dawdle in thought a lot sometimes, but I also know I have to put pen to paper as well.

Anyway, I love creating characters. I like seeing what kind of person they'll be or the kind of person they are. Sometimes they seem like a blur. I also like thinking up environments. I've been complimented on my character illustration. Most are characters for webcomics, but the main one's have an anime like style. I don't want to always turn to that style, so I've been focusing on creating new things.

I think this is tough! I've gotten so use to seeing the world in a certain way, but I know it's not impossible. It's all about looking at things differently. I certainly won't disable myself nor my mind to create. Creation can be a lot of things!

For example, the night before I was working on some creepy characters. I was wondering if I could create something scary lol I succeeded a bit I guess because I showed my sister and she handed it back to me lol xD

I wanted my portfolio to have some creepy character's in it, and not just humans, but somehow it's turning out to have these cute little scarecrows. However, I love horror stuff...okay, some horror stuff. I like supernatural things. But it's weird, because if you look around my room, nothing in it would this. My room is quite plain to be honest.

Yet during my teen years, when we stayed in this house and I had a big room, I taped as many of my drawings to my wall as I possibly could. Where some people would post pictures of their favorite singers/actors, I was hanging up my own work. It sounds coincided doesn't it lol But it was because when people come in, they could see something different. We all knew who Brad Pitt was, or the most common singers were back then right, but not any people see a person's artwork on display.

In the end, I guess I'll just look my teacher in the face and say I can't choose. That perhaps he can choose for me. I don't like tearing myself apart and choosing just one piece. It's like a puzzle, if I do that the picture is incomplete. My mom has said "why not try to work at Pixar?"

It's such a common place! A teacher of mines said that at major companies like Pixar or Dreamworks, they hire people to work in one particular place. So if you're a modeler, you model and that's all.

I'm not just a modeler, or an illustrator. I need variety! If I don't get that I'll become restless. It's why I work on multiple things at once. It keeps me sane lol But it's also why I don't like deadlines because my focus isn't so good. I can focus though, I CAN work on a project for a few hours, but then I need to mix it up.

I'd hate for someone to try and force me to be something I'm not. It's one of my worries. I'd like for them to understand the kind of artist I am. I have to say I admire Michelangelo for dedicating four years to painting the Sistine Chapel. And seeing that Leonardo had unfinished pieces put my mind at ease.

But maybe, just maybe, being this way can work in my benefit. It means there may be lots of opportunities for me in the future. Maybe I shouldn't worry. After all, it doesn't help, right? It's kind of a pointless amount of stress for a future I'm not even living.

Which is why I dedicated this summer break to working on what I want to work on. I figured that if I'm passionate about what I work on, I'll be happier to show what I have. I'll just show what I have, and that'll be the end of it.

It bothers me to hear some teachers say that some students aren't serious about going into this field. They say that some of the students just enjoy seeing animation or playing video games, and they just say "Hey! I'd like to do that!" But aren't passionate about it. Because I felt that way before coming to the school hahaha

Had it not been for those I admire, I wouldn't have started this journey. I've been writing and drawing for years now. To have someone say that it's not passion, whether you like watching something and want to replicate it or not, is not for someone to just judge and call you a fake. In a way, it seems that's what they're saying.

If it's a simple hobby, a person deserves to test the water. We flip flop. We try things. Being judged on the things we like does not help us find our niche in life. It may actually discourage some people. It's like giving us a box of costumes and allowing us to play dress up.

I'm one of the lucky few who just kept going. Who's always going with the things I like. I won't stop. Hopefully this will help others who have something they're interested in.

I'm going to stay up a bit longer.

So until next time

Mon