12/22/15 Updates

I'm kind of getting tired, so I'll try to keep this brief.

So recently I started my Japanese studies again. It's not that I truly stopped, it's just that I don't move forward with as much zest as I use to. I've learned so much about Japan, and they're having a tough time there as well. I guess in a way the thought of visiting during tough times aren't so appealing. Also it could've been my "false" outlook on what I thought Japan is like, versus what it's really like. I mean false impression. But regardless every country will have it's faults and flaws, it doesn't mean I won't go though. If I do I already have some places in mind :3

I also have a friend in China who wants me to visit her! Recently she is moving forward in life and is now dating. Congrats to her~~~~ :) I often told her that I'd like to have some kind of stability before traveling. My need for stability likely stems from my childhood. Honestly, constantly moving, my mom being in and out of jobs, just all kind of unexpected things really got me looking at my future like "should I just go with the flow?" lol I am a go with the flow kind of person. By that I mean if I want to do something I'll do it, if not, I won't. But I feel it helps to have some idea/goals in life. Not just letting yourself be swept away by the tides of life. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything. I guess this can be applied to what I feel.

Actually, when I think about adulthood, I don't think it's TOO hard. Here's my  feelings on it. Mainly, when I look at the adults nowadays it seem as if they aren't too happy with where they are. Or rather, I've seen quite a few. Older people working in jobs where they aren't happy. I have a few friends who work in retail and they complain all the time. We think that we should accept whatever we can because "It pays the bills", and that kind of thing is super sad. Rather than doing what we enjoy, we spend so many years working in a place where we aren't happy. What good is that??

So I've been thinking about that. I've been wondering what I'd be happy doing. I have a lot of interest, but nothing concrete. I feel that if I were to start a job, it'd have to keep me interested in it. It can't be a routine kind of thing. I mean, I use to work at the community college I use to attend. My first job, and I loved it! But the only reason I did was because I got to chat with people who came in and out. So maybe I'd need a job like that, where I can help people in some way. I thought that by doing animation I could, in some way, help people through an animated medium. :) It's so simple.

During middle school I would write stories in a notebook and pass it around to my classmates. It was awesome that they enjoyed the stories and joked about them. Then in high school it was all about art. But the thing is that, although I love those things, I can't do them EVERYDAY. It irritates me when my teachers say "you have to be willing to do this everyday!" I'm not a dog!!

As a human being, a break and a vacation is needed. I refuse to be worked and stressed out and overwhelmed because someone tells me that that's the way it has to be. Who made that rule??

I saw a short documentary that a digital effects teacher showed the class about 3 quarters ago. It was about how special effect artist don't get much recognition for the amount of work they do. They're the reason why movies look so good!! But the actors/director get all the recognition. In the documentary they stated how they were underpaid too. Here's the thing, as artist, most likely we'll accept any kind of payment as long as we can do what we love. But we have to be wise as well. You won't get recognized for your work if someone else keep presenting as their own! I think some artist can be taken advantage of because of this.

It's kind of like the people who know someone has a passion for something thinks "Oh! If they enjoy it, it doesn't matter how hard I work them. They enjoy it!" And that's wrong.

Perhaps that's my deal. I'm learning more and more about certain workplaces. That's not to say that ALL are that way, but I'm sure there's enough around because I'll see that people are complaining about it. That's not to say we shouldn't do anything to earn money. No! I mean if we did nothing, it comes to easy and we get lazy. Put forth some kind of effort. It's kind of like if I wanted to create something, but hire others to do the work for me, yet I take the money from their labor. There's no growth on my end, but I do think there are people out there. I refuse to allow myself to be subjected to something like that. It's like a form of brainwash that if we don't, we won't have a job, and if we don't have a job, we have no money, but if we have no money, we won't have a decent house or other necessities, and without those things, our status is ruined and people may not want to talk to us, and without people, we are alone. In other words POWER OVER OUR MINDS!

I could be just flying off the handle here, but I consider thing. I'm not saying I believe this wholeheartedly about every place, because I don't. But I can tell you that I've run into some pretty interesting people. At my college, the campus I'm at now, years ago a lady who worked in the financial aid department started to talk to me about how didn't like the job of telling students bad news about their financial dilemma, but that she enjoyed culinary, and that her true dream was to open her own bakery!

I was stunned! Of course she doesn't work at this campus anymore. As it go, they let a lot of people go. So a lot of people I knew before I transferred out, are not at that campus anymore. I just hope that lady started to work on the thing she loves the most.

I guess that's all that matters right. If you're happy, make something of it.

I didn't update much of anything did I? Lol I steered off topic. Let's get back to it!

So besides Japanese I've been working on my gaming channel and been practicing some singing stuff. I seriously miss being in choir! On the weekends I decided to do some practice some animation stuff, and on the weekdays work on 3D modeling.

For my gaming channel I created a Christmas themed banner using my sims from The Sims 3 :)

 I've honestly never done a "THEME" kind of thing for anything. Not even for my webcomic. But I'm figured I'd just give it a shot. I had a lot of fun doing it too~~

Besides wondering if I'm going to move or not, I've been trying to do things that can help me better my craft somehow. I've been reading lots of articles about improving story writing skills with tips, suggestions and advice :) So I've been working on fleshing out some characters.

My sister is often saying how she'll believe that I'll do any of what I say I do, once I do it. But I've explained to her that things have to start from the basis first. Being quick to get straight to the product doesn't help. I was that way before! And I've honestly never finished much of anything. So nowadays I'm pacing myself and not trying to rush despite the fact that I want to.

I'm not saying that working slow will produce a masterpiece, but there the benefit of increasing one's self-discipline. That and self preservation or things I want to improve upon! It's tough for me, but I'm working slow in order to learn those things. To put forth my best effort. I will say that it can be annoying when I'm watching tutorials and I scroll down to see that I have 20 something more videos to watch. I'd tilt my head back and think to myself "can I be good at this now?!" xDD

But in order to get better, we gotta put forth the effort. Once it becomes second nature, only then can I move forward to more challenging things.

I haven't done any 2D artwork, I've been mainly focusing on 3D. That and trying to relax. O__o I never knew the challenge of actively trying to balance things. In the past I DID just take things the way they are. Not knowing I had a thought and choice in the matter. For some things I feel I don't have a choice for, I remind myself that if I'm staying in that situation, I'm making THAT choice. Simple. If I do't like, simply move on. Anyway, in the present I'm always being my awareness to what I'm doing. Trying to balance somehow. I have no idea if I'm doing any of this correctly, but I guess I'm doing something if I don't feel like I'm being bumped around. I do get overwhelmed easily though. But at least I don't get too stressed. Usually when I feel myself getting overwhelmed I talk it over with my friend. Sometimes I let the thing slip my mind to see if it comes up again.

Recently I've been doing that with things I want to buy. I'm fortunate that my bank and prepaid card don't sync up immediately. I mean that I have to wait 3-5 days for money to transfer from my bank account to my prepaid card. So because of that, when the day comes when it transfers over, if my feeling about that thing I wanted suddenly changed to "meh" then I won't get it lol It's how I've been saving myself some money.

Also to have even a tiny amount of income coming in, I do this thing called swagbucks. I also do app trailer, viggle, bing, and gifthulk, but mainly swagbucks.

I was just talking to someone I knew a few days ago. She was telling me how she was working two part-time jobs and going to school full time, and that she has exams coming up. She told me she quit one of her jobs in order to focus on school. .__. ugh, that kind of lifestyle, that working like a dog until stressed is just not for me. I don't ever want to get to that point! I don't like seeing people struggle >__>  It's sad, and I always feel that we're wasting time! It's sad and it sucks!

Do I sound spoiled? Some people would look at me and say "Well, that's life", and it's because they accepted that for themselves. I guess it's similar to how I feel that my vote doesn't matter, so I don't vote lol It's simply accepting something, that we just decided to come to terms with. Like a relationship that just ain't working for us. O__o you can't tell me that isn't sad?? It's really sad xDDD

I feel that this blog is more depressing than anything, isn't it? lol I didn't intend for it to be that way.I'll talk about something a bit more festive.

Well, I finished my Christmas shopping! But then I realized that I didn't get my younger sister enough gifts! I got more for my mom and older sister, but not my younger sister. Well, I'll buy her something else even if Christmas passes. She's easily pleased with simple things I think lol She likes food. Maybe I'll but her something tasty.

I haven't wrapped all the gifts just yet because I need some boxes to wrap them properly. I would like to send out Christmas/New Years cards....I shouldn't say "I would like to", actually I will lol You know what, I'm tired of saying 'I'll try" or "I'd like to" what's with that attitude! That's some indecisive thoughts. I'll send off some Christmas cards :3 But they may arrive late. I don't like being late sending things off, but I'll do it anyways. The thought that counts, right?

Oh!! I also finished crocheting a pillow for my dog! I was in the process of crocheting a scarf for a friend, but ran out of yarn. For some reason they didn't have the correct red I needed when I visited the store. Well the only thing to do is try another store. I was planning to mail her the scarf and a card. I think it's a nice gift. :)

That's about it! Just doing simple things. The day before yesterday my older sister dragged me and my younger sister around for Christmas shopping (that's when I did my shopping), and my legs are still sore from that. It's not surprising. I have't been exercising much lately. I did yoga the week before last and hurt my back...or rather, it was a back workout, and my back was sore for most of last week! I couldn't twist my spine, or hunch over lol So I was afraid to workout and hurt myself trying. So I just sat it out. But I'm glad I did all that walking through those stores. My back usually aches when I stand for too long or sit for too long, but I still enjoyed it.

Well, I said this would be brief, yet it's far from it. I need to sleep. It's 4 a.m. Somehow, this continues to happen. What's strange is that I woke up at 11 a.m. yesterday and didn't even take a nap O__o which is surprising that I'm not sleepy. Just tired. Oh well!

Time to sleep.
Night~~



................


Morning~~~

Mon

You take yourself way too seriously!

I'll start with this:

The Internet is full of people who take themselves too seriously. Just look around. You don’t have to wander far to find people arguing on someone’s Facebook wall or arguing in the comments section of a blog and so on. And that leads us to the #1 problem for a person who takes himself or herself too seriously:

You’re not open to advice, differing perspectives, or opposing opinions.

This is from an article I decided to start reading, Mainly it started with me wanting to go to bed at around 10 p.m. It's now 2 a.m. I'm sure you can tell my plan didn't work. So I started thinking "Darn! Will I be able to get my regular sleep pattern back?" so I decided to blog lol

I figured that since I'm already this far, I minus well milk it xD First I'll start by saying that I often take myself serious. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood to be goofy. Usually that happens when I'm working on something or doing something, thinking or tried. But for the most part, I'm usually doing some really weird stuff or making weird noises while I walk around the house!

There. I said it first. Your turn. I always feel that the best way to clear the air is by stating my flaws first. Then it makes it less weird for the person I'm talking too. Honestly, I'd like to believe we're all a little weird or we have weird thoughts. I don't think we're all as serious as we look on the outside. I mean, who can keep that up for long? 

Anyway, this post from the blog made me laugh because it's so true lol Ever so often you'll find a comment section of people just acting goofy, and I love that! It's fun to read. 

I think I don't take myself as seriously as I use to when I was growing up. I mean during that time I was still on the journey of self-discovery. I mean I still am, but I understand a bit more about myself and I don't feel as if I have to follow others. I feel that I'm free to be plain if I want to. By plain I mean in the sense of fashion. 

But that's cool :) I think it would be nice to be a bit more looser though, but I don't think being a bit conservative sucks. Mainly because I feel that I should have a balance. I say should because if I relax too much, or goof off too much, I'll enjoy it too much, and won't feel the need to get anything done. 

I like having fun! I enjoy taking naps and relaxing. But I know I can procrastinate too. You see, because I'm not in school at the moment, and I have all these ideas of things I'd like to see be completed, someone has to do it. I have to make sure I focus when I need to, but not take it so serious...which is something of a challenge for me. 

Example. If I'm working on something I'm all like:

Me: *focus focus focus* 

Family member: *Comes into my room* Hey do you...(inserting something)??"

Me: *irritated, trying to be nice about it* No. 

Family member: *not taking the hint* Do you think you can help me?

Me: *Thought to self* Crap. *irritated, speaking* Now?

Family member: Yeah

Me: *to self* crap....ugh...

It may not seem like much, but I'd like to be able to put down what I'm doing without being annoyed. I had a friend who, when we were both working on a class assignment, just for the life of me WOULD.NOT.STOP.TALKING. On the inside I'm thinking of how much I'd love to just tell her to shut up or push her out of the room, and I think that part started to show because I could feel the steam coming off my body lol Of course I wouldn't tell her to shut up, but I did tell her I wanted to focus on my work. C'mon I'm not THAT heartless lol 

Completely random but it reminds me of a character from my webcomic. He's suppose to be a smart aleck and a know-it-all, but the reality is that he doesn't know as much about normal life stuff as he thinks he does. :) He ends up meeting a rival and a friend. Told you it would be random lol 

Well, since I'm in this deep now (this not sleeping thing) I'll just work on some other things. 

Night!
MON

What if...

What if one morning we all woke up that life is simply about living it??

Wouldn't that be something? You just sit up and go "Hm. None  of whatever I was worried about yesterday, doesn't mean anything. Only today!"

I think it would be a strange thing because it may take everything we thought we were fighting for, and toss it on it's head. Most of us believe in something. In a way I think it gives us some kind of purpose, some kind of goal or direction, and that, without, it would seem as if life is way too simple.

Perhaps people love challenges. I once read somewhere that some people actually seem to enjoy pain. Not physical pain, but painful situations. Kind of like those people who constantly place themselves in situations they say they actually don't like. I've been seeing this quite a bit from people around me...mainly on fb lol or just hearing stories. The answer to dealing with the situation is so clear to us, the people on the outside looking in, but not for the person who's been trapped inside.

Today I'm feeling that way a bit. Not the conflicted part..okay a bit conflicted. I feel indifferent lol Recently I've had the time to work on projects, and I've even completed a few, but sometimes I'll just sit and do absolutely nothing but sit lol and it drives me nuts xDD According to my birth chart I become restless when it comes to routine and that I get bored easily with mundane task. My days are often the same, so perhaps I'm just like "meh", but I don't know how I'd feel with having a lot of things to do. It's a very confusing thing,

At the moment it's more of a feeling than a thought....what I typed above. This thought came based on a feeling I have. To suddenly wake up with no worries, or rather, if you have worries you realize that it's pointless to worry because all that is happening is what happened, not what can continue to be. It's ever changing. Because I believe that once we pass we go on living, and that is something that is eternal.

This just becomes more and more real to me when I think about what I learned in chemistry. Everything is made up of energy, and energy can not be destroyed, For example, if you boil water it evaporates, but it becomes a gas instead....or rather I think that's how it worked lol I don't remember.

It has been scientifically proven that we have an energy field around us, So it's only natural to conclude that we are energy and that that energy cannot be destroyed. I think it's all a matter of what happens to our consciousness. You know that thing that makes us aware of the fact that we are who we are. That I can't say. But my theory is that if when we dream and we have some kind of consciousness, then in any other state we will have some kind of consciousness, just in an altered state.

One thing I think we have to understand is that we are not just a body, but energy as well. How this energy is effected is something that is written about in metaphysics quite a bit.

Also, I think when it comes to me placing what I've read and what I believe onto this concept, it seems real simply because I say "Oh! Well that makes sense" and so it does, and it seems that it is that way. It's because I shifted my perception of a certain thing, where it took on the shape of something I came to see it as being, perhaps, not as it truly is.

So this what if statement. To wake up to just living. I say it's strange because it's almost as if walking into a museum and taking in the art with no thought about it. Just appreciating it as it IS, and nothing else. I think it's strange because I'm often placing thoughts/impressions to things without just taking it in.

Now that's not to say that using our brain is NOT useful. Quite the contrary. It's actually quite useful. I think we, as humans, are quite complex. There's some kind of system here. But I am saying we may make things out to be a lot harder than they actually need to be. THAT part of our brain, the logical one, can work in accords with our feelings of things, and vice versa. If it weren't meant to be, then some people would only have a half a brain on the right and others a half on the left. I think we take it for granted, or, we just refuse to even consider this.

What's interesting is that I think finding a balance may be quite challenging. Simply because of the way we are now. We live a certain way now, and it's considered normal. Which is why I said these things would be strange to us.

Personally, I can't say which side of my brain I use more. Actually, if I had to say I would say that I use to use the right portion of my brain much more often than I do now. But I also use my feelings quite a bit. Sometimes it seems a waste to use it, but I have it for a reason. I guess questioning it is actual waste!

If you have a skill/ability why hide it. Don't exploit it, but use it in good intent. If it's something you've worked on improving, embrace it. What I find interesting is that most people are interested in sporting it to the rest of the world. I have a tiny issue with this, but it's just my own opinion. I think it's actually kind of pointless. But it's similar to how I felt when I first started typing blogs. I would think "What's the point in sharing my thoughts?" not because I was ashamed of them, but I thought that because everyone live their own lives, what I say doesn't apply to them. So neither do my thoughts and feelings! So it's what made me think it's a waste, but not my thoughts, just the fact of sharing them and putting in time to type them.

But the thing is then I got to wondering if we learn for ourselves, or to share with the world. If it's to share with the world, than self-expression is not a crime, and should be nothing to be offended by if someone to express themselves openly. Some people say that some things are proper and others are not. But that is just an opinion based on that person's like or dislike.

For example, in art the nude figure is not seen as a crime. There are books at my library with nude figures, but it's for examining purposed. It's not taboo or sexualized. BUT, if someone were to post a picture of themselves nude and post it online, people would say it's distasteful! It's always back and forth with people.

And again, this is why I said that what if statement would be strange lol

I'll say that I wasn't expecting to type this much. I didn't expect to type any of this,but it's given me something to think about. I'm not sure where I'm going with any of the thoughts I get, or if they even mean much of anything. But I will say that someday I'll just feel completely indifferent and it's a strange and unsettling feeling to be content and worry about nothing. It's like, then what should I do now?? I guess that's why meditation drives me nuts xD

I guess I decided to dig into the concept a little. Why not give it a shot and see what results you get? Do you feel a sense of peace? Or do you feel restless like me?

I will say that I don't intend to accept my restlessness, and blame it in the future, but I'm very aware it's there. It simply takes discipline to overcome that trait :) It can be done with time. Always remember that you can always improve, and that if you made a mistake, you don't have to live in that mistake for the rest of your life. Your life is what you choose to do with it, and the moment you realize that you're responsible for the way you live it, the thoughts you decide to have (as the thoughts are what give way to what you feel), and the actions you choose, you'll start to feel that you are quite powerful. Look at the people who stopped caring what other people think and say about them! They may seem egotistical (and they may be vain lol who knows), but at least they know that they own their lives and that no one can change that for them.

MON