I'm pretty sad right now.
A while ago during class, I wasn't. But I guess the problem won't resolve if I don't do something.In a lot of situations I always feel like the bigger person who has to deal with it although it should be a team effort. I guess the benefit would be that I find peace within a situation. I guess this is one of those situations.
So I already know that my deep felt feelings aren't just rooted to this situation, but rooted to past situations (mainly my childhood). I'm gonna be completely honest because somewhere out there, I know that somehow someone else can relate.
In my family, I'm the middle child. My older sister would get the heat and my younger sister was either babied (until she became a teen), and I was the odd one out. It's nothing new for a middle child (I've known people in similar positions). Anyways, being in that situation is no good for me, but I cope with it the best I can. In that position it's not getting enough attention, not getting that gratification. I've been called a liar, and all kinds of bad name as a kid by my own mom. And everytime she says something hurtful, those feelings come up again. I often wonder if I've even gotten over them. Expressing them to her isn't an option. Honestly, I feel that the best time to tell her would be on her deathbed. It sounds harsh, but it's the truth. In the past when I've tried she didn't believe me. And even that was hurtful.
I remember wondering if I've been abandoned altogether by my parents. It even got to the point where I thought I don't have parents! And it still feels that way to be honest. I'm just tired of it. Seeking gratification from someone is just pointless if they don't seem to care.
Now, I won't say I hate my mom or dad. No, it's the same with people in general. It's just I know my limits. And I've reached it.
What's interesting is that my birth chart mentioned something like this. It said that if my childhood lacked the support and love I need, then I'd spend my life searching for that. I definitely don't want to do that! But I don't want to be cold towards people either. I want to deal with the situation. But I wonder if I should deal with it (somehow) myself. Turning to other people to help with some inner emotion isn't very helpful because they can only do so much. I'm sure my efforts are acknowledged. In my birth chart it mentioned how I should turn to my own resources because I have them. And this is why I should trust myself more.
I'm thinking it's about time that I start doing this. I'm starting to feel that if I stay on this path it will only bring me down. I know that I have a lot to offer to others, I have love to offer to others, and constantly being pulled and picked at will not help. I'm sure I'll be happier. My birth chart mentioned how I shouldn't rely on others to lead me.
I definitely would still seek advice and suggestions, but I'm starting to understand this a bit more.
All of this I'm typing as a lot to do with my feeling like I'm holding others back. Which is something I do not like feeling! My mom and older sister do not like having to drive me and pick me up from school. They say that it stops them from relaxing. Everytime I thank them, but it doesn't seem to mean anything. I'm always grateful to go to school lol it's something so small, and yet I'm grateful for it.
I feel that if I start doing for myself, I'll definitely end up leaving them behind. Maybe I'm sad because it's like moving away from them. I just don't freaking know! And I'm sitting here crying over it lol I'm a big softy about everything .__. why do I have to cry about unnecessary things.
When I start making my own choices, and relying on myself, I won't feel the need to ask them for anything. This might sound good. Hm....I wonder if I'm like a mother bird who's letting her babies go lol It's like I'm not sure what they'll do without me here. And whats more is I'm acting like I'm going to go far far away!
Tears aside (I'm feeling a bit better), I mourn for the sucker who decides to be my boyfriend or husband. I don't want to constantly cry tears for every little problem. I'm quite honest so telling what's on my heart isn't a problem. It's whether he'll be able to hear me over the constant sobbing lol honestly having someone who's sensitive like me could probably be a pain!
But my point is that I'll grant them what they want. I'll start working hard for myself! I'm asking for help from everyone around me on this one. I'll definitely need the strength! I'm sure I'll get over this obstacle. My teacher told me that I'll have freedom once I get a car. This book I started reading said that any feeling or experience we have, we should pay attention to why we're having it. I think that I've lied to myself enough and I need to move on now.
My poor little sister is tired too. I'd definitely help her out lol it's not her fault she's in this situation. We're too reliant on people who are tired of helping. I'm not saying my older sister and mom are wrong for being tired, I'm just saying I'm tired and sad for making them tired lol I'm considerate like that :P
So my plan is to start working hard now! I need to use my willpower to keep going. I'm sure that once I started I'll gain momentum.
And with all of this said :) I'm smiling again and I'm not crying anymore lol I'm happy again.
Before I end this blog, I always think emotions tell us something. It's not the other person's fault. It's like the other person is a piece to help you recognize something about yourself. Such as hurtful feelings may tell you that those kinds of people or a certain behavior isn't needed in your life. I'm not sure if that's true, but for my situation I think I need some time away from them, and they, with me.
Mon
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
What Lilo and Stitch taught me~
Yes I'm talking about the cartoon!
But more so the cartoon series than the movie.
I walked away from that cartoon feeling super happy with each episode. No, not as a kid, but as a teen lol
Mainly each episode is about Lilo and Stitch coming across new experiments with destructive "abilities" that are a part of who they are. At the end of each episode the duo finds a place where each experiment can belong while still being able to use those abilities for good. :)
In a way it's very similar to the movie. Lilo continuous kept stressing how Stitch is family no matter what! The cartoon is enjoyable, but the message is very beautiful.
I think this could definitely apply to all people in life, that we're all each other's Ohana. And family should never get left behind. But unlike in any movie, things are usually darker in life (sometimes). But I definitely feel this way. I try to push it away as it's something that could be taken advantage of.
In my mind I have this image of wanting to stop two people from fighting, and ask them why they're fighting. I have in my mind that I have everything I need. Most people are quite simple and require the basic essentials: Food, shelter, and air. It's just some people want MORE. This is where I feel needs to be dug up and brought to the light.
I often feel that a lot of these things stem from past lives. That's not to say that people should live in those lives, but if a lot of people aren't aware, than they'll probably continue to act on it. I wouldn't consider myself someone who's like "I can see spirits! I know I can feel them!" etc, but I know people who claim to this. I have a tiny inkling, but I feel that if they say it's so, than I'll accept it to be that way. I'm not them, so I can't just say BLASPHEMY!
I guess I base a lot of what I write from what I read, hear, observe, feel and experience. In this situation, I can't provide facts. I can't show you the physical emotion anger, or happiness. It's a state of mind. In this way, I can't show you much of things like that. But I can provide examples.
Anyways, I feel that I would definitely like to work with people in some way. It's more so to find the root of things. To solve a problem. I never can "hate" anyone. I can dislike what they've chosen to pursue in life, but I'm learning more and more that it's because I feel that there's definitely a better way. It may not be the way they're use to. But this is what I meant by Lilo and Stitch helping me.
I call it Lilo and Stitching :P This means to provide a solution to a situation that seems problematic.
Strange enough, I do feel that we need chaos. If we didn't have it, we wouldn't evolve. Out of chaos is born a solution. It's kind of like, in order to advance, we need a problem to advance from. However, some problems are prolonged. In a way, I don't want to ignorantly make a claim that hasn't been pondered upon. I often do, I won't lie. It's based on what I think. I think a lot, and most of the time, I just make a claim on something that seems to make sense. I can't say I give facts without research.
But the problem there is that, there are some things which can not be researched and shown (just as I mentioned). These things are quite obvious.
Anyway, cartoons are great! I especially like the older cartoons. They often had a deeper meaning, such as "trust yourself" or "believe in love" or something like that. I guess as adult it would seem naive to do such things, but I don't think this is true. It's the bases of what could make us more loving and giving.
I think some of us (adults/people) harbor a lot of resentment and suspicion towards others. I think I mentioned this people, but I read an article where a man mentioned how, when he traveled, the people of other countries considered him paranoid. Maybe it's just in a America, and that's kind of a shame that we walk with eyes on our backs and sleep with out eyelids taped opened.
For example, a Japanese lady on youtube mentioned how Japan is safe. I won't claim it's a safe haven, I'm sure things happen, but I'll take her word for it. If a person were to drop their cellphone on the ground, it's very likely it would be returned to a police station, or returned to them by a person who spots it. In this particular video this lady spoke about how her boss had gotten drunk and went to sleep outside on the sidewalk, his briefcase and jacket in hand. Yet, no one would think about robbing this man. And she explained why. She said it's because Japanese people look down upon people who get crazy (<--she didn't say that word lol) drunk and pass out in that way. So they don't care for them and just walk past them without helping them. Lol I can't say the leaving them behind is any good, but it's better than stealing from them.
I have watched a few videos were foreigners talk about losing something and finding it. But even I know not to base a few people's situation for a whole majority of foreigners. Things happen to certain people which doesn't happen to others.
Some people say the younger generation is stupid and reckless <---I've actually never heard this lol But I do think some people may think this, especially where I"m from. But I think it's a lack of places where they feel they can belong. For instance, why would people fight over territory that not even theirs in reality? In a way they're claiming land that isn't theirs. If anything it's the Earth. If a tornado ran through the place, then what? Would they still fight for it?? If it disappeared off the map, would they care for it anymore? They'd probably find some new land to fight over.
And this is the question: Why? Do they feel so out of place that the only place they feel they can make a difference is from fighting for something so small and primitive as a front porch, or a block that they live on? They do realize that it's the cities property fight? Maybe they don't have anything better to think of. Or perhaps they don't have the means to move from point to point.
I don't know, but I definitely believe we could use more Lilo and Stitch's in the world.
Mon
But more so the cartoon series than the movie.
I walked away from that cartoon feeling super happy with each episode. No, not as a kid, but as a teen lol
Mainly each episode is about Lilo and Stitch coming across new experiments with destructive "abilities" that are a part of who they are. At the end of each episode the duo finds a place where each experiment can belong while still being able to use those abilities for good. :)
In a way it's very similar to the movie. Lilo continuous kept stressing how Stitch is family no matter what! The cartoon is enjoyable, but the message is very beautiful.
I think this could definitely apply to all people in life, that we're all each other's Ohana. And family should never get left behind. But unlike in any movie, things are usually darker in life (sometimes). But I definitely feel this way. I try to push it away as it's something that could be taken advantage of.
In my mind I have this image of wanting to stop two people from fighting, and ask them why they're fighting. I have in my mind that I have everything I need. Most people are quite simple and require the basic essentials: Food, shelter, and air. It's just some people want MORE. This is where I feel needs to be dug up and brought to the light.
I often feel that a lot of these things stem from past lives. That's not to say that people should live in those lives, but if a lot of people aren't aware, than they'll probably continue to act on it. I wouldn't consider myself someone who's like "I can see spirits! I know I can feel them!" etc, but I know people who claim to this. I have a tiny inkling, but I feel that if they say it's so, than I'll accept it to be that way. I'm not them, so I can't just say BLASPHEMY!
I guess I base a lot of what I write from what I read, hear, observe, feel and experience. In this situation, I can't provide facts. I can't show you the physical emotion anger, or happiness. It's a state of mind. In this way, I can't show you much of things like that. But I can provide examples.
Anyways, I feel that I would definitely like to work with people in some way. It's more so to find the root of things. To solve a problem. I never can "hate" anyone. I can dislike what they've chosen to pursue in life, but I'm learning more and more that it's because I feel that there's definitely a better way. It may not be the way they're use to. But this is what I meant by Lilo and Stitch helping me.
I call it Lilo and Stitching :P This means to provide a solution to a situation that seems problematic.
Strange enough, I do feel that we need chaos. If we didn't have it, we wouldn't evolve. Out of chaos is born a solution. It's kind of like, in order to advance, we need a problem to advance from. However, some problems are prolonged. In a way, I don't want to ignorantly make a claim that hasn't been pondered upon. I often do, I won't lie. It's based on what I think. I think a lot, and most of the time, I just make a claim on something that seems to make sense. I can't say I give facts without research.
But the problem there is that, there are some things which can not be researched and shown (just as I mentioned). These things are quite obvious.
Anyway, cartoons are great! I especially like the older cartoons. They often had a deeper meaning, such as "trust yourself" or "believe in love" or something like that. I guess as adult it would seem naive to do such things, but I don't think this is true. It's the bases of what could make us more loving and giving.
I think some of us (adults/people) harbor a lot of resentment and suspicion towards others. I think I mentioned this people, but I read an article where a man mentioned how, when he traveled, the people of other countries considered him paranoid. Maybe it's just in a America, and that's kind of a shame that we walk with eyes on our backs and sleep with out eyelids taped opened.
For example, a Japanese lady on youtube mentioned how Japan is safe. I won't claim it's a safe haven, I'm sure things happen, but I'll take her word for it. If a person were to drop their cellphone on the ground, it's very likely it would be returned to a police station, or returned to them by a person who spots it. In this particular video this lady spoke about how her boss had gotten drunk and went to sleep outside on the sidewalk, his briefcase and jacket in hand. Yet, no one would think about robbing this man. And she explained why. She said it's because Japanese people look down upon people who get crazy (<--she didn't say that word lol) drunk and pass out in that way. So they don't care for them and just walk past them without helping them. Lol I can't say the leaving them behind is any good, but it's better than stealing from them.
I have watched a few videos were foreigners talk about losing something and finding it. But even I know not to base a few people's situation for a whole majority of foreigners. Things happen to certain people which doesn't happen to others.
Some people say the younger generation is stupid and reckless <---I've actually never heard this lol But I do think some people may think this, especially where I"m from. But I think it's a lack of places where they feel they can belong. For instance, why would people fight over territory that not even theirs in reality? In a way they're claiming land that isn't theirs. If anything it's the Earth. If a tornado ran through the place, then what? Would they still fight for it?? If it disappeared off the map, would they care for it anymore? They'd probably find some new land to fight over.
And this is the question: Why? Do they feel so out of place that the only place they feel they can make a difference is from fighting for something so small and primitive as a front porch, or a block that they live on? They do realize that it's the cities property fight? Maybe they don't have anything better to think of. Or perhaps they don't have the means to move from point to point.
I don't know, but I definitely believe we could use more Lilo and Stitch's in the world.
Mon
Friday, May 2, 2014
I'm sick?
Hi!
When it comes to getting sick I'm super cautious. I wash my hands often and I try to clean equipment before touching it. This is something I feel I need to do because I've encountered a few people who just don't care about passing their germs lol Besides, who likes having a runny nose and fever? I certainly don't.
So that being said I don't often say "I'm sick, it's usually that I simply have a headache (which I haven't had for a while now, until today). I rarely get sick. However today I my throat is quite scratchy. It was a bit sore yesterday, but later during the night I found that the air in my room was making it worse. It's not completely cold in my room, but I don't have a heater in my room like everyone else (I have a heating blanket! Which is amazing).
I can list a few causes of how they may have come about. Earlier (either) this week or last week I slept with the window, beside my bed, open. This window does not produce much wind. I'm not sure why, but I rarely feel any wind coming through. I had opened my window to allow fresh air into the room.
Then there is also the change in the weather. I started to wear a lighter jacket because I thought things were getting warmer. The temperature went from about 78 degrees back down to between 48-59 degrees (F). During this transition I wasn't wearing a scarf or hat .__. I felt that it wasn't to cold.
Well, with regards to what the cause may be, I'm doing what I can to get better. Sometimes I enjoy being sick, I can find a solution. Sometimes I think we automatically know how to take care of our bodies. I think it's pretty cool.
Anyways, I'm putting together some tea for my sister and I, I'm going to relax a bit and do some homework. Besides that, I'm in a pretty decent mood. :) I've been doing some reading, and I have this project for class I have to complete. School has been keeping me busy and finding new things to read is keeping me busy as well.
Until next time, take care~!
Mon
When it comes to getting sick I'm super cautious. I wash my hands often and I try to clean equipment before touching it. This is something I feel I need to do because I've encountered a few people who just don't care about passing their germs lol Besides, who likes having a runny nose and fever? I certainly don't.
So that being said I don't often say "I'm sick, it's usually that I simply have a headache (which I haven't had for a while now, until today). I rarely get sick. However today I my throat is quite scratchy. It was a bit sore yesterday, but later during the night I found that the air in my room was making it worse. It's not completely cold in my room, but I don't have a heater in my room like everyone else (I have a heating blanket! Which is amazing).
I can list a few causes of how they may have come about. Earlier (either) this week or last week I slept with the window, beside my bed, open. This window does not produce much wind. I'm not sure why, but I rarely feel any wind coming through. I had opened my window to allow fresh air into the room.
Then there is also the change in the weather. I started to wear a lighter jacket because I thought things were getting warmer. The temperature went from about 78 degrees back down to between 48-59 degrees (F). During this transition I wasn't wearing a scarf or hat .__. I felt that it wasn't to cold.
Well, with regards to what the cause may be, I'm doing what I can to get better. Sometimes I enjoy being sick, I can find a solution. Sometimes I think we automatically know how to take care of our bodies. I think it's pretty cool.
Anyways, I'm putting together some tea for my sister and I, I'm going to relax a bit and do some homework. Besides that, I'm in a pretty decent mood. :) I've been doing some reading, and I have this project for class I have to complete. School has been keeping me busy and finding new things to read is keeping me busy as well.
Until next time, take care~!
Mon
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