Healing

Hi!!

So first I want to start by saying that I started working. To be honest I have absolutely no knowledge of anything dealing with it lol I'm a vet receptionist. So I have a lot to learn. Interestingly enough the doctor who interviewed me hired me for my personality even despite my lack of knowledge! I was so happy!

Sometimes I feel a bit discouraged due to my lack of knowledge that the other receptionist have, but I realize I have to be patient and understand it will take time. I'll say I feel like I often slow down work process with my constant questions and apologizing often, but I think it's necessary and they say they don't mind.  I guess the only way I can truly help is to prove to them that I'm learning from what they've taught me.

Anyways! I came here not to type about that, but because a thought came to my mind. Life seems like a constantly healing journey. Something happens. You deal with it as best as you can. You recall it. You work through it. You move on and think about it. You heal from it...maybe.

Or maybe it's just my life. But I fee that life is constantly a list of lessons and then a test. So if you're always angry, and you say "Hey! I'll try not to be so angry!" A situation might arise that will test your anger and see if you've gotten better. Then again, I don't know if these things are brought into your life, it seems that things conjure up these feelings. But to me, I view them as things that seem to come along.

I also don't think it's something that is learned fairly quickly. To truly get it takes time. It's like learning any skill, you can say you're good at it but to truly master it takes years.

I'm saying all of this because my dad has been contacting me. If you don't know I haven't seen my dad in years! It took me so many years to come to understand my past (in the way I feel that it makes the most sense) and forgive my mom and dad both for a lot of the pain I felt growing up. I use to cry when I wrote about it, but I use to just write and write about how sad it made me. I did this alone, but I've reached out for help dealing with the emotional part of it.

I can say with confidence that I've gotten better, and I've said to myself that what they experienced together was not my fault. How they may have treated me was likely not they're intention, and understand that they have a responsibility in the matter.

As a child, it's always very likely we take on a very heavy burden of guilt and blaming ourselves for how things went growing up, and it takes a lot of time to truly sit down and say "okay! I have to see the situation for what it was! Not what I think it was!"

I did this for myself. And I have to say it's not too easy. But it's necessary because it can stifle your journey.

So anyways, he contacted me and I guess he's fearing for his life a bit. He actually found me through facebook. I knew something was off with the way he was talking, and he says his kidney is functioning at only about 59 percent.

Here's the thing, I have no car and I have no idea where he lives. I can ask, and I'm sure he'll tell me. But my mom is kind of a tough cookie. She's kind of the reason why we (me and my younger sister) had to stop talking to him. She had us lie to him, or else she'd get angry and we'd get in trouble, or she'd tell us not to talk to him or she'll send us off to live with him (far away from our school, and friend and such).

So my mom still talks about him quite negatively and so I'm sure to bring him up and me saying I'd like to see him wouldn't sit well with her. So I'm constantly telling him that if things work out, then I'll see him. But I can't truly say for sure at the moment how it will work out. I'm sure it will happen somehow though.

:) I always pretty much remember great things with my dad! And I cried so hard when I was younger. Then I suppressed those feelings. I also remember sitting alone in the closet playing with toys...by myself lol which sounds pretty sad. But I often felt very alone growing up. What's funny is that I do this now, and my family thinks I'm being a loner lol it's like "you're just realizing it now" xD

It's how I've become more artistically inclined. I would sit and doodle alone. Or play with my dolls, or watch a cartoon. It's also why I'm okay with being alone.

Don't get me wrong, I'm an introverted extrovert lol I'm naturally an introvert, but I don't mind talking to people. Most people would probably think I'm outgoing, but at home I'm shut in my room learning something or just relaxing.

Anyways, back to the point! So I felt sad when he was talking about how he's getting old. :/ I don't think an age matters, but people will certainly try and convince me otherwise. The moment you let that number tell you what you are is the day you decide you let it take over you. That's not to say the body doesn't age, it does, but the mind can always be young.

So my life is like up and then down, and then up and then down again. Yet I feel it's how I choose to deal with the ups and down that really matter. It's not always easy and sometimes I get really bummed, but I try and pump myself up and see some good that can come from it. It actually helps to be honest!!

Anyway, I feel like my dad might have some regrets about the way things turned out. Yet I believe it happened to make me a stronger person. To be more dependent upon my own strength. This is something I saw in my birth chart. It even mentioned that he may have been absent in my life, but regardless I do wish my mom didn't allow her personal feelings to conflict with us seeing him. It made me feel so estranged to him. :/

I've told him that I don't blame him for anything. But I guess he just wants to see me and my sister. My younger sister doesn't care and she doesn't remember much from our childhood, but I don't mind seeing him. I think it can be a healing reunion :) Maybe sad and tear-jerking, but a healing reunion. I hope he had a lot of healing in his life and it was good to hear that he thought about us often despite the fact that he's married.

In the end, hearing this and seeing other people and hearing their stories, it seems to be one thing that's similar, that we all have a story and that we all have some form of healing to do. We work with each other, we create situations with each other (some not so good) that will challenge us. I guess I'm starting to see the connection little by little.

Viewing the world in this way helps me to feel a bit more connected to people. I honestly don't feel the need to say "That's weird" or "odd" despite the fact that I verbalize it. Internally I'm always saying "How interesting!"

So that's all I have to say. Happy healing everyone. Just keep trying your best. I feel at the end of this life, we are kind of graded on our progress and how well we did by our guides (whether or not we're aware of them or not...I can't say that I am, but I like to pretend that I am lol)

On that note, please take care of yourself.

Mon